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Nurse Betty

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Sponge. Clip.
Vitals stable and holding.
Close her up, will you?
There's been a train crash outside Santa Barbara.
They're flying an aortal trauma here now.
How can I ask you this, David?
I can do it, Blake.
Is he crazy, Jasmine? He's been on his feet for 14 hours.
Chloe, it's been this way since Leslie died.
Losing himself in his work, poor thing.
This is getting a little reckless, don't you think?
- I don't think he has a choice. - Hang on a second, Jasmine!
It's not like he has to do it.
Well, who else at Loma Vista can do it? Who else can do what David can do?
Try Lonnie Walsh. And he wouldn't expect to be knighted for it.
Blake, I can handle that transplant.
We need somebody with the right kind of experience, Lonnie.
Even if he's falling asleep on his feet?
It's a complicated procedure, Lonnie. Why don't you observe?
- Hey, I'm not fresh out of medical school! - Excuse me, miss?
No, you're not, Lonnie. You're a good doctor. But you're not David Ravell.
- Miss? Miss? - You will march into Mr Daniels' office...
...and tell him that he will be held personally responsible...
...should anything go wrong during this operation.
- Mother... - Moreover, you are going to tell him...
...that in your observation... - Did you see that?
...Dr David Ravell is not up to his usual Olympian heights of surgical skill.
He complained of dizziness, that sort of thing. Do you understand?
Do you want to hear what I have in mind for the famous Dr David Ravell?
A Reason To Love will continue after these messages.
Skim, right?
And half a pack.
You know, that's really fatty. Our cook uses junk.
You sure you wouldn't rather try a, um, a turkey burger?
You sure you want a tip when I'm done?
You're right.It's your body
That's right. Get off it.
- That's all right. - I've told him the same thing, ma'am.
Thanks for the suggestion.
No problem.
Hi, guys. Here you go.
- Hello, Betty. - Hi, Roy.
- You're looking good. - You're sweet.
Hey, y'know, I really enjoyed your editorial this morning.
Well, thank you. I appreciate it. I was really trying to get the whole history...
...of the Episcopalian Church... - Oh, it was great
Really, it just put the whole idea of the church bake sale into perspective.
Some people like to read more than just the classifieds.
So, Sheriff, how is everything?
Y'know, the usual. Keepin' the world safe.
- I meant your food.

She's coming.
- Surprise! - Oh...
Happy birthday!
- Ta-dah! - Oh!
Where did you get it? That's so embarrassing.
- On the goddamn Internet, where else? - Come on, pose with him, Betty.
- Oh...
A little something for those nursing classes you've been wantin' to take.
But keep puttin' off, thanks to a certain husband we won't mention.
- Oh, you guys, I can't. - Take it.
- No, I can't. - Betty.
- Aw. - Thanks, you guys.
Sizemore Motors, the best selection of used cars in Big Springs-Fair Oaks.
- We're out making a sale... leave us a message.
Better yet, come on down and steal one of these beauties right out from under us!
- Coffee's always up!
Betty Hi, Del, it's me. I guess you're busy, but...
...I wanted to know if I could take one of the new Buicks tonight.

Um, so, call me, um...
- Whoa! Hang on a second, there, baby. - Oh! Hi! You're there.
What do you need one of them Buicks for?
- What... You sound out of breath. - I ran back in to get the phone.
- Oh. Well, um... - No, no. Wait. Joyce.
...Sue Ann is taking me out, and, uh, I just thought it might be nice... go in a new car.
What was that?
- Nothin'. God, y'know, it's busy here! - Um... Well...
You don't need a LeSabre to go out with Sue Ann.
- I don't need one, but... - Take the blue Corsica.
Well, once he dumps her, we will. Right.
Oh, hold on a sec.
Yeah, he's out pricing banners, but I don't expect him back.
Oh. Banners?
You know, flags and shit. For a... For a livelier look, he said.
Oh! It's a shame about the LeSabre. They're a real sweet ride.
How are things at the Tip Top?
Oh, they're fine.
Yeah, fine.
You, uh, ever miss it?
You must be kidding.
Oh, yeah. OK.
Hi. Yeah.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
It was his wife.
Uh, that's what I said. That's what I was talking... Yeah, I was talking about.
Anyway, so I was thinkin' Easter, cos I just fuckin' love pastels.
- Hi. - Hi.
- Did you watch it yet? - Oh! I sure did.
I tell you what, if that man got any better-looking... would be a crime of some sort. - I know.
OK, are you ready?
I've got a surprise for tonight. We're going to the Starlight in style.
- Oh, Betty. - OK, I'll give you a hint.
You squint your eyes, and it looks just like a Jaguar.
I am so sorry, I was gonna call you.
Larry's got a lodge meeting. There's no way I can get a sitter this fast.
- I feel awful. - Oh, that's OK.
- Maybe next week we can go bowling or... - Yeah, that'd be great.
Yeah. That'd be great.
Well, thanks!
OK, well, have a happy birthday. OK? Have a good time.
I'd better go start dinner.
OK, here we go.
Mm-hm. You sure you don't want any salad?
- No, I don't want any goddamn salad. - OK.
- OK... OK, here we go. - What was all that shit about the Buicks?
I told you. Sue Ann was going to take me out, but, um...
What, she's not comfortable in a Corsica? It's got air, it's got leather.
Actually, I'm glad you're going out tonight.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah, I got something goin' on.
- Mm. - Some serious clients. With real potential.
So, um... who are these clients?
Just a coupla guys in from out of town. They want to see the new LeSabres.
The LeSabres?
- Jesus Christ. - Oh...
Look at these guys. Who are they fuckin'?
You know these actors are mainly models. Which are mainly faggots.
And the rest are assholes.

Y'know what bugs me most about those soaps? It's people with no lives...
- Watching other people's fake lives. ...watching other people's fake lives.
Yeah, well... nothing like watching the tenpins fall, huh?
Hey, that's a skill!
They're tryin' to get that in the Olympic Games.
All right, I'm gonna go out. Clean this shit up.
I told him my car's in the shop.
He said he'd be happy to give me a ride home tomorrow.
- You're beautiful. - Tell me something I don't know.
Well, I've got some special plans for you and I.
Things coming up in the near future I think you'll like.
Mmm. Uh-huh?

All I'm sayin' is their offence sucks.

You could have the best damn running backs in the world...
...somebody's still gotta block for 'em. - You're a hundred per cent right, there.
I told my wife to clean this shit up before she went out.
Let's have some music.
- Swinging sax - You guys like music?
...have to see how fast this beauty'll go.
I guess somehow that speed helps me forget the past.
Listen, David.
I know I've said it before, but I want to tell you again how sorry I am about your wife.
- Well, we should probably... - Let's not go.
Not yet.
You got a fine one right here!
Your wife is very attractive, Del. Have I seen her before?
If you ate at the Tip Top, you did.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. The coffee.
Yeah, Betty pours a mean cup.
Sit in here.
Chloe When Skipper died, it hurt so bad.
I just wanted the world to go away.
To a successful transaction.
We are where we're supposed to be. And if you feel...
...something... for someone... should... - No...
passionate kisses
- Oh! - Please!

It's not that I don't find you attractive.
I'm just not ready.
No, he's not ready.
Nice place you got here, Del. Real comfortable.
Sweet little town, Fair Oaks. You like it?
What, are you kiddin' me? It's a small town, man.
What do you mean, Del?
- Just a bunch of dumb fucks. - Really?
You better believe it.
Could you give us an example?
Of what?
I'm asking for an example of one of these dumb fucks being a dumb fuck.
I don't follow.
- You're not a dumb fuck, are you, Del? - No.
So, give me an example of a stupid person doing a stupid thing.
Not being stupid yourself, you're equipped to know. Right?
Are we gonna get down to business here or not?
Just give me one example.
Burger King opens up.
These assholes get excited and line up like they've never seen one before.
Like it's some kind of five-star restaurant.
- Five stars. - Yeah.
How about it, Wesley? That sound stupid to you?
No, that's ignorant. They just don't know any better.
So, Del, maybe you could give us another example.
This is bullshit! Can we get down to business, please?
Jesus Christ!
- He's waiting. - OK, OK, OK!
- I don't know, Injuns are stupid. - Injuns?
Del, did you just say "Injuns"?
Indians. Injuns, whatever.
I mean, they're always getting drunk and doin' stupid shit.
- Like what? - Pukin' on the sidewalk. Stupid shit.
Well, let's see.
Round here, that would be Kiowa, Kickapoo and Osage.
Am I right about that?
- I... I don't know. - You don't know.
Del... idea of stupid's different from yours.
So here's how this is gonna work.
- Take your socks off.
- Sobs - Oh, hey, come on.
I'm sorry. It's my fault.
- I thought that you felt something for me. - Chloe, you're wonderful.
You are.
I just know that there's something really special out there for me.
I don't know what it is, or who it is.
I just know that since Leslie died, I've had this feeling...
Del, wanna know what stupid is?
Stupid is taking what doesn't belong to you. Isn't that right, Wesley?
That's right.
Stupid is trying to sell it to people who are, by their very nature, untrustworthy.
- That is so right. - Stupid is calling people in Kansas City...
...who are affiliated to the rightful owners of the thing you stole...
...and trying to sell it to them.
Now, that's really stupid.
You know, Del...
...150 years ago, your remark about Native Americans would've gotten you scalped.
Right here where your house is, you'd have been scalped.
- Hell of a way to die. - Now, Wesley, it wasn't always fatal.
We could scalp old Del right now. He'd be plenty alive to tell us what it feels like.

All you have to do is take a knife...
Del, come on, now, we're just talking.
- Come on.
You just take a knife, and you make a mark across the front of the forehead.
Grab 'em a handful of hair, and cut as you pull.
It's amazing how easily the scalp comes off.
- A mark, huh?

- It's OK, David. - Shh!
I mean, what do I know?
A woman gets in your car, you take her for a ride in the woods...
- Wait a minute. This was your idea. - Who's driving the car, David?
- What? - Does it really matter who said what?
Of course it matters!
Now, I want to know the particulars of your wrongdoing.
I want to know how you got what you stole...
...and, of course, where it is now.

It's in the Buick. But I swear to God I didn't touch it.
I swear to God!
- All right, then. - Don't kill me! I don't want you to kill me...
- Don't kill me... - Consider yourself lucky, Del.
Luckier than those "Injuns" you've got such contempt for.
If anybody got a raw deal, it was the American Indian.

America has a black mark on its soul for what happened to them.
I'm glad they've got those casinos.
David... I wish I had good news for you.
- I'll come right to the point.
Chloe Jensen has filed charges of sexual assault against you.

- Fucking Christ, Wesley!
- Are you out of your fucking mind?
- What the fuck is wrong with you?

- What the fuck is your problem? - You told me to do it!
That was to get him to talk, you...
Get rid of that fuckin' thing! Get rid of it!
Then I can forget.
Ever feel like something really special is about to happen to you, Jasmine?
Fucking great, Wesley! Now we don't know where the stuff is!
- Well, he said it's in the Buick! - Which fuckin' Buick?
Then, why'd you shoot him?
I had to shoot him, Wesley! It was the only decent thing to do, after you scalped him!
Echoing I just know that there's something really special out there for me.
Very unprofessional, Wesley!
Echoing I don't know what it is or... who it is.
I just know that since Leslie died, I've had this... feeling.
I just know that there's something really special out there for me.
I don't know what it is, I just know that since Leslie died, I've had this...

- Can we use this? - Yeah, hand me that bag.

- Hey, Betty. - Hi!
- Are you OK? - I'm great.
I was wondering if I might be able to ask some questions about what happened.
Well, I saw the whole thing. It was disgusting.
- Really? Did you see who did it? - Mm-hm.
You did? Who was it?
It was Chloe.
You guys wanna try not stepping directly in the evidence, please?
Roy Ostrey!
You and your goddamn police scanner! I leave here for ten minutes...
Betty, I'm sorry about this.
Oh, it's no problem.
Well, bye, everybody.
Nice to see you, Sheriff.
Thanks for stopping by!
Where the hell's she goin'?
I still don't understand how you knew Del wasn't lying.
I saw his soul, Wesley.
The man was face to face with his God. Nobody lies in that situation.
Your little Geronimo act rattled me, and I abandoned my instincts.
Never abandon your instincts.
- I didn't! You gave me a look! - What fuckin' look?
You only got one. You give me this look, I thought you were done, so I offed him.
I wasn't done, I was just tired of hearing him whine.
And you didn't off anybody, you scalped him.
Jesus, I almost puked, did I tell you that?
- So why tell me the fuckin' Indian story? - What the hell does that mean, Wesley?
If I'd told a Ty Cobb story, would you have beaten him to death with a baseball bat?
You... Goddamn!
Nothin' there. Let's go.
- You wanna just leave the cars like this? - Why not? It'll confuse 'em.
Gotta do something now you've fucked it up.
I didn't fuck nothin' up! I was just trying to make a statement.
Trying to make a statement(!) Let me tell you something... this business, you don't put food on the table unless the phone rings.
The people who get the calls are good. Not flashy, good.
They get in, they get out, nobody knows a goddamn thing. You understand?
Boom, boom, boom. Three in the head, you know they're dead.
- That's a good motto. - Well, I'll get you a bumper sticker.
You better start believing it. It's the only statement you need to make.
Is this bothering you?
- Let's get this thing down. - Thank you.
- I questioned Joyce about all this. - Yeah?
Seems she was pretty familiar with old Del on a regular basis, if you get my drift.
And half the other guys in this town, including yourself, I believe.
Junior year.
- Anyway, so what? - Suppose Betty found out about them?
So you're saying that Betty Sizemore, our Betty Sizemore...
...who you went to swing choir with...
...hired somebody to scalp her husband in her kitchen while she watched?
- It's just a theory. - Oh, you're amazing !
Just because I'm thinkin' it doesn't mean I like it.

So? How is she?
She's in a kind of shock.
I see signs of a post-traumatic reaction, with possible dissociative symptoms.
- Could I have that in American? - It's a kind of altered state.
It allows a traumatised person to continue functioning.
- So she did witness it? - Without question.
But her memory of it has gone.
Any idea who Chloe or Lonnie are?
Sue Ann, I gotta tell you something.
A bad thing happened to Del and me.
Yeah, hon.
Why don't you get some sleep? Everything's gonna be fine.
Oh, I know.
And I'm real sorry about all this.
But I just know there's something special out there for me.
Dear Del...
...this is the hardest thing I've ever done, but I need to be honest.
Admit it, Del. We've grown apart and you don't seem happy any more.
As for me, I don't think I've ever given myself a chance.
But I want to take that chance now.
Best of luck to you...
This is bad, Wesley. This is very, very bad.
- This is extremely bad. - Mm-hm? Want some bacon?
I don't think you appreciate the gravity of the situation here.
It's bad enough that we don't have what we came for.
We don't even know where the hell it is.
Now this.
This is s'posed to be my last job. I mean, I even put down a deposit on my boat.
How the hell can you eat at a time like this? I get nauseous just watching you.
Well, I can eat cos I know we didn't kidnap no woman.
And I can eat cos I know ain't nobody lookin' for us.
And I can eat cos I'm fuckin' hungry.
Relax. She'll end up on a milk carton or somethin'. That's about it.
She got out of town awful quick.
And wasn't she quiet in that house?
I think most women would have screamed, don't you?
I know they would have. Yeah.
We could be dealing with a cunning, ruthless woman here.
- Uh, Mrs Rogers? - Yes.
How you doin'? Dwight Campbell, Mutual Life Insurance.
- I'm looking for a Betty Sizemore. - I wish I could help you, but I can't.

Go to your room. Now.

Precious, ain't they?
Y'know, she has a substantial death benefit coming to her...
...from the tragic loss of her husband.
- Does she have any relatives in the area? - No.
Well, she does have some grandparents down in Oklahoma, but that's it.
- So are you in touch with Mrs Sizemore? - No. But I am taping her show for her.
- Her show? - Yeah, A Reason To Love.
Did Chloe testify?
- And she's been working here how long? - Oh, five years, give or take.
- You two in high school together?
Aren't you a sweetheart?
No. Not quite.
- She's been with us quite a while. - But she wanted more out of life, huh?
No, she just wanted something out of life. Anything.
Who's this gentleman?
It's just a cutout. A gag for her birthday.
- Do you mind if I keep these? - If it'll help bring her back, be my guest.
I hope you didn't get the wrong idea on the phone, Lonnie.
Oh, I don't think so, Chloe.
Lonnie When they call you to the stand, just say what you're supposed to say.
You mean I'm going to have to swear? On a Bible?
Relax, it's a hearing. But they are going to ask you some questions.
- Oh, no! - So, you're into Reason, too?
- Is... David going to be there? - I'm Ellen. What can I get you?
Um, a lite beer, please.
Come on, Chloe.
You're a beautiful, intelligent, sexy woman...
Thank you.
...with a torn blouse! You can't lose.

A Reason To Love will continue after these messages.
- Ellen, do you have a phone? - Here you go.
If it's long-distance, you can leave me a buck when you're done.
3.99 for kids! You know you want...

- Sue Ann? - Betty!
Hi, just calling to tell you that I'm fine.
- OK, where are you? - I'm in the...
...Canyon Ranch Bar. In, um...
- Williams. - In Williams, Arizona.
- So I guess I'm halfway there. - Halfway to where?
You've gotta come home! We've been really worried about you, y'know.
Sue Ann, I thought you'd back me on this. You know how it is with Del.
- How did he take my note? - Listen to me.
A nice man came by from Mutual Life Insurance.
He says you've got a lot of money coming to you from Del's policy.
What are you talking about?
Del's life insurance policy. Are you with me?
Oh, I've gotta go.
- No, Betty, listen to me. Del is dead! - What did I ever do to her?
It's what you didn't do, bud.
Orchestra swells
- So where you headed, Betty? - Los Angeles, California.
And you called your friend and she's telling you not to go?
When I went to Europe, my friends told me I was crazy.
Europe? The Europe? God, this is my first time out of Kansas!
I should call you Dorothy.

When I first left here, I went straight to Italy.
Everyone told me not to go, but, oh, I wanted to go to Rome!
Ever since I saw Audrey Hepburn in Roman Holiday.
Goddammit, I went!
- Did you love it? - Rome, it was the best thing I ever did.
Because I did it!
And I swear to you, it changed me.
I've been to Rome, Italy.
I sat every morning in the Caffe Sistina, and I drank my cappuccino and I...
...I watched the pilgrims walk to Mass.
No-one can ever take that away from me.

I left my husband three days ago.
- Really? - Yeah.
I'm getting back with my ex-fiancé.
He proposed to me right around here, so I guess this is a sentimental stop.
Pink Martini. "Whatever Will Be, Will Be ue Ser, Ser"
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother "What will I be?"
"Will I be pretty?"
"Will I be rich?"
Here's what she said to me.
Que sera, sera
Whatever will be...
- Isn't this your first time out of Kansas? - Well, I mean, except for then.
I'm trading in a car dealer for a heart surgeon, so that's not too bad, huh?
- That's smooth!
- Cedars-Sinai? - No, no, no. Loma Vista.

I suppose his name is David Ravell?
How did you know that?
What's his real name?
It's Doctor David Ravell. But how did you know?
Do you mean George McCord, the actor?
No. No, no, no. David Ravell.
He's a heart specialist.
I know, we just watched him...
You're serious?
How are you gonna find him, Betty?
Well, I'll... I'll go to the hospital.
What if when you get there, nothing's like you thought it was gonna be?
Well, this is the biggest thing that I've ever done.
And I have to do it.

You take care of yourself, Betty.
To tell you the truth, I can't believe I've made it this far.
Betty is a big fan of the soap opera A Reason To Love.
Look, that's important.
Why do I need to look at it? He told you to do this?
No! I saw, on television, Chloe and Lonnie. They're television characters!
And Betty is in love with Dr David Ravell, from the show.
What if she's in Los Angeles looking for him? The actor, I mean.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.
Dumb? Then why did Betty call Sue Ann from Arizona yesterday?
- Yeah, she called me yesterday! - Said she was in Arizona, did she?
- Yes! - This is even stupider than I thought.
This woman is on the run...
- Come on, Elden! think she'd phone in her location?
- Why not call the Los Angeles police? - You have got to do that!
Hey! I'm the law.
I ain't gotta do nothin'.
That's Betty when she was 12.
Very graceful.
- Perfect form. - Yeah.
Such poise, too. Very impressive.
Thank you, ma'am.
Did she ever give you any indication that she might leave her husband?
She put up with things that I wouldn't have.
And yet, she, of all people, defended him.
That's why what that sheriff said made me angry.
What do you mean?
If anyone paid to have that husband of hers killed, it would have been me.
Well, Mr and Mrs Blaine...
...I can assure you without a doubt that your granddaughter's alive.
And she had absolutely nothing to do with the killing of Del Sizemore.
You've got to be missing a piece of your soul to kill someone.
That's not our Betty.
Why you say you gotta be missin' a piece of your soul to kill somebody?
Well, because it's not natural, young man.
It's very, very natural to kill. All species kill.
See, God kills.
You sayin' that God's missin' a piece of his soul?
My partner's young, Mr Blaine. He loves his job. Loves his job.
Matter of fact, he'd like to kill all the criminals himself.
Let me just ask you this.
If Betty was running from someone, where do you think she'd go?
A Reason To Love theme
chief nurse Of course, I don't know every doctor that works here.
But Dr Ravell is the finest surgeon on the staff.
You must know him.
He's really handsome, and he's gentle, and considerate.
- He's being sued for sexual assault. - What?
Well, he didn't do it. He was set up.
Well, I certainly would have heard about that.
Of course, he's only here twice a week. He's also on staff over at Loma Vista.
I don't think I know that hospital.
Oh, it's the one in the really pretty area...
...with the palm trees out front and the mountains in the back.
You've just described all of Southern California.
I'm sorry, but I can't even consider you without references and a résumé.
And frankly, I don't know how you could have forgotten them.
- Central, reply to 3359, please.
- Reply to 3359. - Oh...

Who... who are you?
Nurse Betty.
Right this way, gentlemen!

Hold it!
- Salgamos afuera!
- Wait, Richie, wait! - Hacia atrás!

- Somebody, please! Somebody! - Párate!
What the hell are you doing? Get out of there!
You've got to help me! I have my brother, he's dying!
Hacia atrás! A dónde vas? Dónde vas?

- Freeze! Drop your gun! - Sí! Viva la raza! Qué piensas, eh?
- I said, drop your weapon! - Hi.
- Let's see. Are you choking?
OK. Let me look.
Oh, I think he has the... He has the thingy!
- What does he have? - The... the air in the wound!
He has too much air around the heart and the lungs... I have to open... I have to...
I have to relieve the pressure so he can breathe.
OK, here we go.
- What are you doing? You'll hurt him! - No, I have to do this, or he'll die!
It's OK, I've seen it done once. Here we go. Ready?

See? Wasn't so bad.

- Is he gonna be all right? - We'll do everything we can for him.
You should thank that nurse for what she did.
Iris, who was that remarkable nurse?
What you did yesterday was reckless at best.
You are not an employee of this hospital.
If that boy dies, I don't even want to think about the lawsuit that will follow.
- Are we communicating here? - Yes, ma'am.
Good. Because I'm prepared to offer you a job.
You can help out in the pharmacy...
...until your California certification and references arrive...
. but you are not to touch anyone. Is that totally clear?
Well, he's doing fine!
Ay, gracias a Dios.
You don't sound like you're from here.
No, I'm from Kansas. I just drove in.
Oh. Why did you come to LA?
I came for love. My ex-fiancé lives here, so...
Ay, qué bien!
So, are you staying with him?
Oh, no. I don't actually know where he is just yet... I'm at a motel around the corner.
Rosa, ella debe quedarse contigo.
Sí! No tiene donde vivir.
- This neighbourhood. You get used to it.
- Oh! Pretty. - Yeah, I got this apartment with a guy.
Oh, the guy you were telling me about?
Oh, no. This one was worse.
I had to have the place sprayed when he left. Twice.
He was... two before the last one, not counting a little office thing in there...
...which I'm trusting you with because if it gets out...
...I'm on the street, know what I'm sayin'?
Oh! Oh, wow!
This is nice!
Oh, I love the aquarium.
Yeah, well, at least fish don't pee on the seat.
Just once, I wish I'd run into a guy who would notice them before my tits!
- Come on, I will show you to your room. - OK.
No, no, no! We'll... we'll find her.
- Yes.
I understand.
- So what did they say? - They said find it.
Find her. Finish the job we were paid to do.
- Half. - What?
Well, they only paid us half, so they still owe us the other half.
Oh, goddamn, Wesley. There you go again!
The same lousy-assed attitude that got us here in the first place!
That "make a statement... an end-zone dance, shake your ass and sue everybody in sight" attitude...
...that's draggin' this whole fuckin' country down the drain!
You get paid when a job is done!
- And we haven't done the goddamn job! - I know that.
Turn off that goddamn music!
- Do I deserve this?
In the twilight of my career, do I deserve this?
I don't think so. I never took out anybody that didn't have it coming.
I'm a fuckin' professional!
And where am I? Purgatory!
Worse. You're in Texas.
I am very tired.
I've worked hard, and my work should be over. But it's not.
This fuckin' job is just beginning.
Betty, Betty, Betty.
What's goin' through that pretty little head of yours?
Everyone says if you wanna get married...
...this is the spot to find someone.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Luckily for me, I'm off men, so I have the luxury of not giving a shit.
Y'know, the more I think about it, David probably wouldn't come here.
I mean, he's still getting over Leslie and everything.
- Who is Leslie? - His wife.
- He has a wife? - Had. She died in a car wreck last year.
- Decapitated. - God, that's awful.
I know. They're not even sure it was an accident cos they never found her head.
- Her head? - Mm-hm.
- You are making this up. - Oh, no, no.
She was having an affair with the Russian diplomat...
...and they think he was mixed up in the Mafia or something.
Ay, Dios! And I thought my love life was crazy.
So we'll start at the library first and we'll fan out from there.
They've got all the LA phone books, plus medical directories, things like that.
We're not gonna let him hide from you any longer, right?
All right!

I am going to make this my personal mission.
I can't believe you're doing all this for me, Rosa.
I just wanna make sure that you get your... fairy-tale ending, or whatever.
At least one of us should.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
- Hola! - Hola.
Qué crees que dirá mi papá... le dijera que no quiero ser más abogada?
Nada. Te mataría.
Mm! Cómo te va con tu nueva compañera...? Cómo se llama?
- Betty. Esta bien, pero estoy cansada. - Por qué?
Pasamos este fin de semana buscando a su doctorcito.
Cómo es que un gran especialista del corazón no deja rastro?
No sé.
Deberíamos demandarlo por negligencia.
Dónde trabaja?
No sé. Dijo que estaba en, erm... Loma Vista.
Loma Vista... Cómo se llama?
David Ravell.

Loma Vista? David Ravell?
Estas hablando del tipo on A Reason To Love!

Guess who I saw today.
- Who? - Dr David Ravell.
You're kidding! Where?
On television.
- Really? - Cut the shit, will you?
Either you're making a fool out of me because you get off on it...
...or you got some serious problems. So which one is it, Betty?
What are you talking about, Rosa?
I'm talking about...
...Dr David Ravell!
I know, I heard you, but I...
You have a thing for an actor on some stupid white soap opera...
...and we searched all over town for his character!
Not the actor, whose real name is George, by the way, but his character, Betty!
Are you having a nervous breakdown?

- Oh, Rosa. - I trusted you. I thought he was real.
- He is real. - You need serious help.
Bet she's nice and comfortable in that air-conditioned car right now.

You don't look all that comfortable here, though, baby.
You don't like being the centre of attention, do you?
Nah. You're like me.
- You been smokin'? - Huh?
What's wrong wit' you?
What the fuck? Wesley!
That was a shitty thing to do!
I'm sick of seein' her fucking face!
I will shoot that bitch like she'd scratched my car!
Do not talk like that.
My last one.
My final target.
Hey. Don't you realise that you're special?
Huh? Don't you know you represent somethin'?
- What? - What?
What does she represent?
What's some skinny white bitch from Kansas...
...who's draggin' our ass up and down the Louisiana Purchase...
...what does she represent? Please tell me. Please.
I don't know.
They found her in Vegas! Perfect description!
Says she's with the buyer that Del lined up.
How'd they describe her?
You know, blonde, thin, whatever.
Well, now. Blonde, thin, yeah.
Did they say anything about style? Did they mention grace?
Huh? Huh?
Ay! Díme, tu compañera todavía esta buscando al actor de las telenovelas?
Ay, sí. Me gustaría encontrarlo para que le reviente su globo.
Aquí está tu aguja.
Es de suponer se presentará esta noche.
This is crazy. I come home, you go to your room... go to the kitchen, I go to my room.
It's stupid.
So what do you say? Can... can we be friends?
All right.
What are those?

Hey, look! Look!
We don't have time to look at some hole in the ground.
I'm talkin' about one of the seven natural wonders of the world here.
It'd get dark before you got there.
You wanna see the Grand Canyon at night?
That shit ain't grand, it's bland!
- What the hell does it matter? - We could be in Vegas in four hours.
- Shit! She wasn't in Kansas City. - I know.
She wasn't in Dallas or Houston, either!
What makes you think she'll be in Vegas?
Think she's gonna be waitin' there with tassels on her titties?
- No. - Listen.
"When I grow up, I am going to become a nurse or a veterinarian."
"I always wanted to help people and value all life... it animal, plant or mineral." Does that sound like a showgirl to you?
Keep turnin' the pages. I'm sure she blows a few strangers before it's done.
- Do you hear yourself? - What?
You sound like a fuckin' madman!
- Are you an American, Wesley? - Yes, I'm an American.
And no, I'm not going to the fuckin' Bland Canyon!
Country and western

You don't know what you're missing!

- Whassup? - Mr Campbell?
Huh? What?
Is this Mutual Life Insurance?
- Hello? Hello? - Yeah, yeah. This is Dwight Campbell.
My name's Sue Ann Rogers. I'm Betty Sizemore's friend. I've heard from her.
- Yeah? - She was at a bar in Arizona.
"Don't You Know"
Don't you know
I was yours from the very day
That you happened to come my way?
Can't you see
I'm under your spell
By the look in my eyes?
Can't you tell?
Can't you tell?
Now, don't you know
- Every beat of my heart - Uh-huh. Thank you.
Keeps crying out?
What the fuck?
I want you so

- Don't you know? - C'mere!

Did you have a good time?
Did you make a wish, get in touch with your blackness?
Found your Betty.
Well, at least where she's been hangin' out.
Where? Where is she?
I'm not tellin' you.
- What? - I'm not tellin' you till you straighten up.
Dancin' round like fuckin' Bojangles out there, you...
What the fuck? This shit's gotta stop, and I mean it!

Do you think we should go and sit?
Uh, no, I was thinking we could just stay out here for a little while...
...mingle a little bit. - OK.

Well, I'm glad to be here. Oh, sure, absolutely.
Look who's here.
Over there.
What are you waiting for?
Talk to him, huh? You came 1,500 miles for this.

- You're serious about it? - Yeah, I'm serious.
He's got his own company. He's the guy you want on your team.
- On your team ? - I want you to meet him.
Because everybody's gonna say "I can't..."
- Do I know you? - Of course. Don't you remember?
I take it I should.
Silly! It's me!
We were engaged.
You were engaged?
I - I beg your pardon?
Letting you go - that was the biggest mistake of my life.
And it's a mistake I've had to live with for six years, but I've put it behind me now.
And I just hope that you can put it behind you, too.
I've missed you.
I've missed you, David.
That's... very nice.
- That was very good. - Greatly appreciate that.
Wow. That was... Wow!
The day I left you, I just drove and drove.
I drove all day and all that night, I just kept driving.
I stopped at this old country church...
...and the pastor let me in. And I sat...
In the very first pew, where we would have sat on our wedding day.
I can't believe I remembered that! Although I mean I should, I wrote it.
But that was seven years ago, and you're quoting it verbatim. I'm...
...flattered, I think.
Or frightened. One or the other.
- What's your name? - Betty Sizemore. What do you write?
I'm Lyla Branch. I'm the producer.
- I have to admit you had me going there.
You're better than most of them, anyway. Do you have a head shot?
Wait a second. So what happens next, Betty?
Are you sure you... Well, why not?
What... what does happen next, Betty?
Well, David came out to, uh, do his residency, and then he met Leslie...
No, no, no. We know all that. We want to know what happened to you, Betty.
Oh. Oh. Well...
...I married a car salesman.
You were dumped for a car salesman, George. A car salesman.
- Why'd you call him George? - Why did I call him...?
Yeah, David. Tell us about the car salesman !
Oh, right. Right. Well, you are, um, you're talking about, uh...
...Fred, there.
- Del. - Del. Del. Yeah.
Uh, Del, he was amazing.
He was... I mean, this guy, talk about salesmen...
...he could sell anything to anybody at any time. Amazing.
You know Del?
I don't know how to tell you this, but Del and I go way back.
We went to school together.
As a matter of fact...
...he saved my life.
Oh, my gosh.
Like, two more minutes in that freezing cold water...
...and I swear to God I would have drowned but...
Del jumped in, and he grabbed me, and he just... he pulled me out.
He was amazing. Hold on. I'm having a moment here.
I lost touch with him after that, but... I still owe him.
He never said anything. That is unbelievable!
- Funny. That's just what I was thinking. - I know!
I can't tell you how much it hurt me to hear that you married him.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
I tried to tell myself at first it was for the best.
That there was some sort of reason for it, but Del?
I was young. And... and stupid, and scared.
You never even gave us a chance.
I know.
I can't tell you how many times I tell myself that same thing.

Are you really crying right now? I'm just... I was just kinda playing along.
What are you...? What are you doing, George?
Why does he keep calling you George?
I don't know.
Betty? I'm sure you'll understand...
...David is a very busy man, so we really have to go.
It was a pleasure meeting you.
We've got to get to this, uh, previous engagement.
- Oh. - But... it was good. It was so great.
All right.
I would be honoured if you'd join us.
What... idea.
I'm sure you two have a lot of catching up to do.
- Yeah? - All right.
- Thank you. - Hold on a minute! Thank you.
- Hey, thanks, man. I love your work. - Oh, thank you. Thanks a lot.
Hey, look who's here!
What's Lonnie doing here?
- What happened to you? - Late, as usual.
I know. Why are you guys leaving?
We did our 20 minutes.
Who's the skirt?
Apparently somebody who doesn't like to be referred to as a skirt.
Relax, she didn't even get you that hard.
- Do I know you? - No. But I know just who you are.
This doesn't look like the kind of place Betty would come to.
Maybe she had to go to the bathroom ? She does pee, doesn't she ?
Or is she too poised to pee?
Hey. Be careful with that.

...that hastened at my call
But when I met that little girl
I knew that I would fall
Poor little fool, oh yeah
I was a fool, uh-huh...
What can I get you?
We're federal marshals, ma'am.
We're looking for this young lady.
I haven't seen her.
You sure have.
- Shut up, Merle. - Betty!
Her name is Betty.
I've never seen that woman before. Neither has Merle. He drinks too much.
And don't try to tell me you're cops.
I was married to a cop for nine years. You're not cops.
- What are you doin'? - Shut up!
You haven't been forthcoming with us.
So Lyla's very nice!
Really tall.
Yes, she is.
Y'know, she said she thought that I was charming and relentless.
She said that I would go far in this town.
Oh, and that unlike most charming and relentless people she knew...
...she liked me.
Well, she's a good person to know.
...where did you study again?
- Carlton. - Carlton.
Carlton School of Nursing.
But I only went for two semesters, though.
- Because Del... - Ah, right. OK, OK. OK.
I think you set the official record for staying in character...
...about three hours ago now.
You just said that to me two hours ago.
- Is it here? - Uh-huh.
Oh, great. Now.
Gosh, I haven't been this happy since I was 12.
OK, I'll bite. What happened when you were 12?
I took my mom to Kansas City for Mother's Day...
...and I used the allowance I was saving.
We went to lunch at Skies...
...this restaurant at the top of a building...
...and you can see the whole world from up there.
It was our last special day.
Cos she died that year.
It was a great day.
You just gave me goosebumps from that, you know that?
That is just great improv.
I just want everything to be perfect between us.
I know, I know. Listen, let's... let's... Time, here.
Let's... Can we talk seriously for...
...just a minute?
- Uh-huh. - I know how much you want this, Betty...
...and you are gifted and extremely determined.
But I gotta tell you, it is not entirely up to me.
I know. It's up to us.
I love you, David.
And I want to see you tomorrow, and the next day...
...and the next day, and the next.
So were you with him this whole time?
Oh, you scared me.
Still in love?
This isn't fair, you know? Do you always get what you want?
Almost never.
I mean, you're in love with someone who doesn't exist.
You come out here, you meet this guy who should laugh in your face...
...and instead you leave with him.
You're like... one of a kind.
It was a totally rejuvenating, spiritual experience.
I know. I was there.
I'm not denying that she's good. Thank you, Lupita.
You know she got a job as a nurse?
Method actress?
David Ravell... is getting boring.
We know that.
Well, couldn't I have, like, a sister...
who's a... a twin, who's evil...?
No! We did that with Lonnie. Remember the blind one last year?
- And he got the Emmy thing for that? - Yeah.
I think we just bring Betty down, throw her into the set and see what happens.
- I don't know. - I'd tell the cast. They'd all be prepped.
- I'll think about it. - It'd be like live television.
I mean, let's live on the edge a little bit here!
Come on, Lyla! We could break the mould.
I said I'll think about it.
Now, let me tell you why I know she's lying.
First place, Betty would never fall for a soap star.
It's beneath her.
I don't know, that bartender sounded very serious.
No, Betty's here on business.
It's the biggest market for what she's selling.
Wait, wait. Hold up, hold up. That don't make no sense!
What doesn't make any sense?
Well, you obviously believed the lady! Shit, we're all the way here in LA!
So you believed her enough to come the fuck out here!
If you believed her that much, why is the rest of her story suddenly bullshit?
- I just don't buy it. - Don't buy it !
Call it instinct. Call it 35 years of professional know-how.
I call it nutty as my shit after I eat an Almond Roca.
You need to remember who you're talking to.
I need to get my fuckin' head examined!
You can't rule something out just cos you got a whim...
...or you thought the bitch was fine!
I been followin' your whims all across America!
- And y'know what? I am fuckin' tired! - Wesley...
It's beneath her?
The bitch is a fuckin' housewife! Ain't nothin' beneath her!
So check this out. What kind of car does Jasmine drive?
Uh, Mercedes, I think. Black.
So is she as fine in real life as she is on the show?
- Better. - Mm! Goddamn.
Why don't you help a brother sneak on the lot?
- Good lookin' out, baby. Good lookin' out. - Hey, man.
Black Mercedes. Lookin' for a black Mercedes.
She's got ten kilos.
Blonde, great figure.
Sort of a wholesome Doris Day thing going on.
Yeah, that's what I said, Doris Day.
Yeah, you could see her working at the UN or someplace like that.
United Nations, man. Where it's... Never mind.

Hi. Betty there?
You don't look like you do on TV.
And you must be Rosa. I'm George McCord.
Well, I've heard so many great things about you.
Not as much as I've heard about you.
These are for you.
Oh, that's nice!
- Well, I see you've met David. - Yeah, I sure did.
Funny thing, Betty, he introduced himself to me as George.
Oh, yeah. He does that.
Half the people who know him call him George.
I don't think your friend Rosa likes me very much.
- Oh, she's probably just jealous. - Oh.
She gets a little confused about men.
Um, so where are we going?
Well, first I was thinking about Patina, and then I thought about The lvy...
...and then I thought about someplace a little more romantic. Like my place.
Oh, great! We're going to the beach house.
No, I don't live at the beach.
No, I moved to the hills. I moved.
God, I haven't felt like this since I was with Stella Adler in New York.
You're just... you're... you're so real.
I don't think you've ever mentioned a Stella to me before.
- Oh, haven't I ? - Uh-uh.
See, I would remember the name Stella.
The only Stella I ever knew was a parrot.
So was that before Leslie?
Before us?
I've never met anyone like you, Betty.
Well, that's why we're meant to be together.
Your dedication scares me.
Well, it's easy to be dedicated when you care about something.
When I met you, it was like a warm breeze had suddenly blown into my life.
You remember that line? I said that to Leslie during her funeral.
I love that line.
Well... said it to her...
...but you meant it for me, didn't you?
Maybe I did.
So I'm walkin' down Hollywood Boulevard...
...checkin' out the stars on the ground, y'know, Clint Eastwood, Rock Hudson... people of race, not one fucking... I could not find people of race anywhere!
So I'm lookin' at this Chinese guy, right, and he's reading his paper...
...and who do I see? That's Lonnie, the main prick from the show.
And who is that next to him? Betty! I told you this ain't no coincidence!
What the fuck? You been holdin' out on me?
This just does not fit her profile.
Fuck the profile! That's the same guy!
No, no, no. No, no, no.
Betty would not be here because of a soap opera. Not a soap-opera man!
- That would make her... - That would make her crazy!
No shit, Shaft! And you ain't too far behind yourself!
No, no. Betty's smarter than that!
How the fuck did you stay on this job so fuckin' long?
There you are, draggin' our ass up and down the country!
Meanwhile, our answer to our prayers are right in your back fucking pocket!
You let this cunt fuck up my...
Don't you talk to Betty that way!
I don't care what she turns out to be, don't you use that term again! You hear me?
- You need therapy. - Do you understand?
Yes, I understand! Now let go of my vest, you're stretchin' it!
You made your point.
Get yourself ready.
Get ready? Shit, I been ready since Oklahoma!
Get ready !
Ready for what?
- How much longer ? - Not much. Here we go.
There's nothing in front of you. Relax. Hold on, you've got a little step there.
You're fine. You're fine. All right, all set?
- Uh-huh. - Here we go. And...
Loma Vista. Da-dah!
You didn't tell me I was going to meet your friends.
Guess what? You got the job. And I'm directing.
- Oh, but I'm at LA County. - Oh, are you ?
Come on. Uh, it's only four lines... I thought I'd just kinda spring it on you. I hope that's OK.
All right, we're not going to do any blocking or anything like that.
I'm just going to put you here near the nurses' station.
OK, I'll be right there, OK? Thanks.
And I just want to do, like, a quick run-through, all right?
Relax, you look great. And here we go in a sec. Hold on.
Traffic was a nightmare comin' over the Hill.
That's fine. We've only got 70 pages to shoot today. Take your time ?
We'll get you into hair and make-up after this. Just put this on.
What are you doing?
Hi! Welcome! I hear you are really good.
- Good luck. - What are you doing here?
- Your lines are on cue cards over here... - What is she doing here?
- Oh. But feel free to ad-lib, OK? - Ad-lib? I...
In fact, I want you to ad-lib. I mean, I know I hate these...
...but that's the magic that I'm after, y'know, just to let it go, have fun with it.
We're gonna give a whole new feel to the show. Eric !
So just do one of those...
...just let it out and just have fun with it. You remember Betty?
- Yes. - Let's go.
Settle, please! Stand by, rehearsal.
Betty ?
Just do what you've been doing, OK ?
Watch the scene, take your cue from here.
Hank! Lines are over here.
Here we go. In!
Four. Three. Two.
Is this some kind of a game?
No, it's more like a nightmare I can't wake up from.
There are other people in this nightmare, and they're going to get hurt.
- Uh, I feel so... Arm! Please. - Oh.
I feel so alone right now.
Here we go. Showtime, showtime.
- Are you all right? - I think you stepped on my first line.
I was talking to her. Do you need anything?
Listen, I'm sorry, I thought this would be the best way. Throw you into it, y'know ?
What the hell's going on?
If you need a minute to get your instrument straight...
Can I talk to you? Can I talk to you? Just a second.
- David... - Stop calling me David.
For Christ's sake, we're on the set. You don't have to call me David here, OK?
- What's going on? - What is going on, what?
You're acting crazy here! Isn't this exactly what you wanted?
- I don't know. - Is there a problem, George?
No, no, no! No problem. There's...
What is the problem? Just... do that thing that you do.
I mean, come on! You drove me nuts with this for three days.
Now just relax and... and let's do it.
Here we go! Here we go. You're fine. You'll be fine. Here we go!
Sorry about that. All right? Here we go.
And... five. Four. Three.
Is this some kind of game that you're playing?
No, it's more like a nightmare I can't wake up from.
There are other people in that nightmare, and they're going to get hurt.
- Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no.
- Betty? - Oh, no.
- Who's driving the car, David?
- How can I ask you this?
This is bullshit!
I cannot work like this!
- All right, everybody, take five. - No, no, no. Hold on.
- Let me talk to her. She's just... - It was a gamble, it didn't work.
We have to move on.
- Goddamnit, she's been doing it all week! - No! George, I said forget it!
OK. All right. Well... What are you looking at, Eric?
I hope you're happy. I just put my ass on the line for you, and my reputation...
...and you just made a total idiot out of me. Are you happy?
I'm sorry, what did I do?
Who put you up to this? Did my ex-wife do this?
- You know, David... - Stop calling me that! My name is George!
George! Say it! This is a TV show! A television show...
...and if you don't know the difference, you're more fucked up than I thought!
Leave her alone, George!
Shut the fuck up! You're a grip. Go... grip something!
And you are not an actress, are you?
What are you? You're like a soap-opera... groupie, right?
I mean, is that it, right? You've nothing better to do but this!
Well, why don't you get a fucking life and stop ruining mine!
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy. - She gave me this one shot... shot in my life to do this, and you have destroyed it!
Thank you very much! Thanks, Betty, that was great !
Are you hearing this? Hey!
She's fuckin' crazy! Don't look at me like that!
You! tell them who I... Hey!
Hey! Tell 'em who I am. Tell 'em.
George McCord?
No, no. No, no, no. No, not now. I am David. I am Dr David Ravell!
I'm the great Dr David Ravell, right?
Loma Vista's greatest... I'm the doctor! I don't think that! She thinks that!
- What... Who did you call me? - She called you George... George.
George McCord, my favourite actor?
- Oh... oh... oh, God. - What are you doing here?
- Why am I here? - Oh... you're sick.
- I, um... - What do you do now?
What... Are you going to kill me? No! Don't get near me!
Don't touch anything! Crazy person!
What do you do now? What?

I'm gonna go.
OK, moving on! Further on?
How do you do, Mr McCord? We're trying to locate a deranged fan of yours.
- A Mrs Betty... - Deranged. Yeah, that'd be the, uh...
...that'd be the right word for it. That's not necessary.
Uh, she's staying with a friend of hers, Rosa Herreras... or Hernandez.
Has a... has a H sound to it. They're in Silver Lake.
That's all I know.
- Silver Lake. - Yeah.
- You must get this a lot. - Mm-hm.
More than you know.
Anything else?
- No. - OK, great.
Uh, actually, there is.
You know, I'm a big fan of the show, and I figure you being Dr Ravell and all...
...I thought you might be able to go out there and tell Jasmine to come outside.
- Well, you thought wrong. - Hey, man, it's just an autograph.
- It's not for me. - No, it never is.
Motherfucker! You need to have some fuckin' manners, man!
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
Hey! I saw your TV movie! It sucked! Hasselhoff blew you off the screen!
Hey, did the pizza guy show up yet?
Can I have these chips?
Are you all right?
Did something happen?

Oh, shit! Motherfuck!
Call a doctor, bitch!
- What the hell is that? - Don't ask.
It's all there. Hasn't been touched.
You were right about Del. He wasn't lying.
Yeah, well... you were right about what the lady bartender said.
Yeah, but you were right first. You gotta follow your instincts.
So what are your instincts telling you now, kid?
Take this shit back to Detroit and get our fuckin' money.
Ah, we could do that. I could be on my way to Florida... could go on down to Thailand or someplace and fuck your brains out.
- But that's not what we're gonna do, is it? - No.
She's my last one.
And my instincts are telling me I've got to see this through with her.
And If there's anything I've tried to teach you here...
It's to follow my instincts.
No. It's to follow my instincts.
So we go up there and we conclude our business. Case closed.
I have to leave.
- Leave? - Mm-hm.
- Where you going? - Kansas.
- Tonight? - Uh-huh.
C'mon, you're going to drive halfway across the country this minute?
Uh-huh. I have to go fix what happened to my husband.
So, uh, now you have a husband?
Had. He was killed in the dining room.
- Huh? - Y'know, I think I saw the whole thing.
I remember blood everywhere and everything.
What are you saying, Betty, huh?
I really don't know.
- Yeah, just a minute!
This is crazy, Betty, OK? Just don't go.
Just stay here, and I'll be right back.
- How much? - Uh, Detective Jefferson.
Oh. Did Betty call you?
She's got problems, but... she's no killer.
You guys can just straighten this out.
Go easy on her, OK? Cos she's had a really rough day.
- Hey, Rosa? - These guys are here to help you, Betty.
I don't think so.
C'mon! C'mere! C'mere! C'mon! Get the fuck over there!
C'mere! C'mon! Sit down! Shut up!
We meet again.
I've spent many long hours in the car with your face staring back at me.
I've seen it painted on the horizon.
- What's wrong with you? - Huh?
- That's our pizza.
- Wesley. - C'mere. C'mere!
- Get rid of 'em, you understand? - OK.
- Hi. - Betty! Boy, am I glad to see you.
- Roy, what are you doing here? - You... You are in serious danger.
Oh? Well, Roy, it's really not a good time right now.
Betty, I would have been here sooner, but Elden put me in jail.
- Oh. - He still thinks that you had Del scalped.
- Hey! I never said that, OK? - Hi, Sheriff.
- I don't think... - Come on, Betty. Look. Open up.
- I gotta ask you some questions... - Look, I really think it's important... find out if you looked inside the... - This is really, really not a great time.
Hey! Don't give me that!
I've come 2,000 miles for this!
You probably flew!
Come on!
I crossed the River Styx to find her, pal!
I travelled the fucking country to get here!
- Who are these idiots? - Um, that's Roy Ostrey, he's a reporter.
And that's Sheriff Ballard. He, um...
Well, we went to Fair Oaks High.
Oh, great. This is... This is great.
Fuck! Get your ass down! C'mon.
Whassup? Whassup? Whassup? C'mere. C'mere. C'mere, motherfucker!
Fuck, man! C'mere. C'mere. C'mere. Sit there!
- I got two kids and a dog. - Yeah, who don't?
What? What? What? You gonna shoot me? Have some more.
What you doing?
Act professional!
That's not professional!
Don't worry about me, find out what they know.
Oh. Oh, OK.
OK... OK... OK...
OK... Um...
Um, um... OK, um...

I suppose you want me, to, um...
To take off my, um...
Oh, no! No.
- Do you know who I am? - Oh, I've got a pretty good idea.
Listen, you didn't have anything to do with what Del was into, did you, Betty?
I've no idea what Del was mixed up in.
So you had nothing to do with the drugs?
Oh, my God! Drugs?
God, no!
I am totally against drugs.
Life is very strange. I really had you pegged... a cold-blooded bitch.
I mean, not that I didn't still admire you for it.
If you didn't come here to kill me, then...
...why are you here?
To see you.
- How'd you two dumb fucks find Betty? - I just put it all together.
I knew that David, Lonnie and Chloe were from that show.

Betty thinks they're real people. Sounded strange, but it was worth a shot.
- What do you want? - Ignore him.
And don't take that tape off. You're gonna regret it.
You are such a liar, Elden Ballard!
- Oh, shut up! - I'm the one that figured it out, not him!
- Shut up, man! - You are really smart ?
- Fuck you, Roy Ostrey! - Look, shut up!
- I'm the one that watched the... - Shut the fuck up!
Shut the fuck up, both of you, before I kill both of you!
- You watched the show? - Yeah! I'm the one that watched the show!
- He's the one that didn't, cos he's a liar! - Calm down!
Stop acting like a little bitch. Now, did Chloe crack?
Chloe fell completely apart!
- You didn't know Chloe cracked, did you? - Agh!
- What about Jasmine? - Jasmine's a lesbian.
Lying motherfucker! You lie! Jasmine is not a lesbian!
I know what I'm talking about!
- Mm! Mm! - What you want?
You scream, you die.
I'm gonna take this shit off. You scream, you fucking die!
I have a tape of today's show.
Jasmine You got a lot of men in motion over what you did.
- What I did? - Don't give me that, Chloe!
- What about what he did? - I wasn't born yesterday.
You get in a man's car, there's a reason. We both know that.
- Do you think that maybe...? - Oh, no, they're fine.
I don't meet people like you.
I'm a garbage man of the human condition.
I deal with trash. People who would trade in part of themselves...
...for a few more minutes of their rotten lives.
But you're different.
I am?
Yeah. You could probably have anything you want.
Someone as beautiful and stylish as you are. And you don't even realise it.
I just don't think I'm who you think I am.
Let me just... Let me just get this out.
I like walks in the rain, and sunsets, and symphonies..., animals.
I read passionately. I like to discuss things.
I... I guess, basically, I'm conservative...
...but flexible.
I've followed you all the way across the country...
...y'know, and I've come to feel that...
...we are a lot more alike than you think.
But I thought you said that you were the garbage man of humanity.
I just...
...hoped I could leave that behind me.
I thought no meant no.
- Scoffs - What?
Say something.
First of all...
...don't insult my intelligence by telling me that David Ravell attacked you in that car.
So, um, that Jasmine...
...she certainly is intriguing, isn't she?
Jasmine ain't no dyke. She's just tryin' to find herself.
- You're my only friend. - Look at the titties on Jasmine.
You're my only friend.
Goddamn! Ah, sooky-sooky, now! Rub her titties. Rub her titties!
You can do that shit on TV? Oh, shit! Look at that shit!
Put Jasmine in and I walk out!
You would never cook up a scheme like this, would you?
What the...! Oh, shit!

Wesley! Get over there.

What the... Wesley?
Oh, my God! My fish are out there!
- I know. They're inashiki koi. - How'd you know that?
Hey! We're in a shoot-out here! You wanna shut up about the damn fish?
No, Elden, you shut up!
I'll get your fish.
- Oh, Christ. - What?
They shot my boy.
My son is dead.
You're the reason I'm here.
That's right, I'm here because of you.
I need my other gun. Check his jacket. I'll cover you.
- No, let's wait for the real police. - I am the real police!
So why can't we just sneak outside, huh?
Lady, you don't just run away from crime. And Betty's in there!
So all of this really is because of a soap opera?
My son is dead because... wanted to be with this doctor.
This fake doctor.

Well, too late, anyway.
You could at least give me my gun.
Maybe I could shoot my way out. Take a couple of 'em with me.
I think I'd rather not.
Betty, please. Please.
I don't want to shrivel up alone in some stinking prison. No way.
I've got my professional pride.
...I don't want somebody else to get credit for taking me out.
I want you to listen to me.
Betty... never needed that actor.
You don't need that doctor.
You don't need any man.
It's not the Forties, you know?
Honey, you don't need anybody.
You know why?
Because you've got yourself.

In a story that police say is bizarre even for Hollywood...
...a father-son team of killers tracked a Kansas soap-opera fan...
...halfway across the country...
...only to find themselves the victims in a final, bloody confrontation.
- We go now to BB Burke at the scene... - That's our Betty.
This story is beyond belief! Which is perfect for us.
It's free advertising, it's gonna run for months.
I don't think she can do it.
I really don't. Are you serious? Did you see what happened?
Well, who wouldn't freeze under those circumstances?
And I don't care what her problems are.
She wouldn't be the first person in the cast with problems.
That's why we have nothing to lose by sending you to talk to her.
Me? OK. Let's talk about me.
What about my feelings about all this?
I don't really care about your feelings.
I did like your icy-water idea the other day, though.
I'm toying with the idea of killing David Ravell off in a boating accident.
One of those castaway deals with Chloe and...
No? How do I come back?
No, no, no. No. Don't...
Don't try the blackmail bullshit with me, Lyla, cos it's kinda... it's beneath you.
So don't even think about it. It's an emphatic no, missy.
Poom! End of story, right there.
I'm sorry for what I did.
I'm sorry for the things that I... said...
...and for not respecting you...
...and just all the stupid little things that I was...
- When you have a minute. - I really don't like the idea of autographs...
...and I'm kinda in a moment right here, so...
- It's the check. - Sorry about that.
Uh...No, I got this.
My treat. It's not the Forties, y'know.
Do you know that my best friend once said...
...that if you were any handsomer, it would be a crime.
Thank you.
It's just too bad that you're such an asshole.
That's OK. You know what? That's OK.
That's all right. I'm... I'm OK with that. That's fair enough.
Now we've, uh, settled the whole asshole thing, uh... there any chance that you would think about joining the show?
At all?
There's always a chance, David.
But what about tomorrow, and the next day...
...and the next day, and the next?
If you were any handsomer, Doctor...'d be a crime.
I take it that means you're free tomorrow?
I was going to ask you that, too!
It's as if I've been in some sort of dream state.
Like... Like you didn't know who you were, or what you were doing?
- Yes. - Daniel, ven! Aquí está la novela!
I have that effect on people.
Well, you certainly had that effect on me.
siempre hay una possibilità, David.
Ma tu ci sarai domani, e domani, e domani ancora?
...più bello di così, si muore.
Credo di capire che sei libera stasera?
- Io, ti amo, David. - Ti amo, Geri.
Excuse me, sir?
Fixed By Pacman
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