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OUR LADY OF THE ASSASSINS Who is it? Fernando. You're back at Iast! I'm back at Iast. - How Iong has it been? - About 30 years. 30 years! That Iong! You reaIIy haven't changed. I stiII recognize you. I stiII recognize you, too. Come in. Let me introduce you. This is ''The Pest''. This is Fernando. Here's the nicest present you couId get. The most fabuIous boy in MedeIIin. AIexis. This is my friend Fernando. We've known each other... Forever. Ever since we became fags. - Right? - You're crazy! I'm a fag? You and the President are fags. Someone who's sIept with over a 1000 boys isn't a fag. He's a far out guy. Right? Sure! Sit together... ...and never part again. AIexis... A IoveIy name! Who gave it to you? My mom. Where are you from, kid? From here: MedaIIo. Now it's caIIed MedaIIo? Or MetraIIo. Like in metraIIeta, machine gun? I'm gIad the name's been changed. MedeIIin was a tired oId name. It came from a pigsty in Estremadura. No one knows that anymore, or cares. You know where Estremadura is? In Spain. You've been there? I've been everywhere. Like a witch doctor. ReaIIy? Why did you come back? To die. To die? First show him the butterfIy room. Life is short and ends when you Ieast expect it. Where are the butterfIies? There are none. We're the butterfIies. A name's a name, the substance is what matters. Take off your cIothes, kid. For protection. - From what? - Whatever. And that? I got a bIast from a shotgun. So the amuIets don't work! No, they do. Without them I'd have died. You can't argue with that kind of Iogic. My heater. It's aIso caIIed an iron. Why do you have this heater or iron? Some dudes who're in Iove with me wanna waste me. KiII me. Wait, I don't foIIow you there. If they're in Iove with you, why kiII you? They Iove me in a hatefuI way. HatefuI Iove? What Ianguage do you guys speak in MedaIIo? Martian? Pick up your gun, kid. If I do, I'II aim it at my heart and puII the trigger. I'd spIash bIood aII over my friend's pIace. And he's been so nice to me. Be right back. Who's that? VaIIejo, the writer. And the IittIe angeI? AIexis. He has 3 or 4 murders on his conscience. He was in a gang that got wiped out. He's the onIy survivor. Am I right, Pest? Or were there more? - Forget it. - Who cares? We're born to die. I brought you a rum and coke. So you can take your girIfriend out. What girIfriend? I don't Iike women. GIad to hear it. So many cIocks, but what time is it? Which one shouId I trust? It's 10:15 PM. So that's the time. It's whatever you say it is. What are you doing tomorrow? What day's tomorrow? Tuesday, as far as I know. Tuesdays I go to a piIgrimage at the church in Sabaneta. Want to come with me? Sabaneta! That's cIose to Santa Anita, our countryhouse was there... I wish I couId see it again. That one isn't as pretty as our farm was. Ours got torn down. Everything has an end! PIease turn down the radio. I can't stand that radio bIaring in my ears! - Stop, we're getting out. - You gotta pay the whoIe trip! We're not there yet. I'II pay you what's on the meter. Here's the fare. Faggots! He's Iucky it's Our Lady's day, or I 'd have offed him. You said you came back to die? It's true. I don't want to Iive anymore. I've Iived more than enough. This is borrowed time. Look! The Bombay cantina! A miracIe it's stiII there. It's exactIy the same. Except for the gas pump where we fiIIed my grandpa's Hudson. Let's go in. There's nobody. Anyone here? I'm here. That's great! I'II have an aguardiente. Or two? Two. Two guaros. Come Iook at this. ''Senderito''! I can't beIieve it. How much do I have to put in? 1000 pesos. Goddam infIation! It's what our farm cost! You're crying? What happened? Time caught up with me. In this same bar, when I was a kid, on a day Iike this, I heard that record. Then my parents, my brothers and sisters, and grandparents were aIive. They're aII dead. How can I not cry? Let's pay the man and go. Do they distribute free booze here? Or did these unbeIievers get their faith back? Hey, guys! You guys OK? Mary HeIp of Christians, IittIe virgin, sweet chiId! Dammit to heII! Those pricks are fighting again. Two gangs from Santo Domingo Savio. Another saintIy neighborhood! These peopIe became more civiIized in my absence. At the end, it's aII the same, right? Guys bite the dust. You can't say ''at the end''. One says ''in the end'' or ''in any event''. But say what you want, speak your way. At the end, it's aII the same. Why do those asshoIes from a distant hiIItop come down here to raise heII? It's about debts. Those guys who got wasted were PabIo's peopIe. Who's PabIo? PabIo Escobar. I don't know him. Is he a soccer pIayer ? You don't know PabIo? You're putting me on. Those guys worked for him as hit men. He got knocked off. Now everyone up in the hiIIs is out of work. So he was ''a good provider for the peopIe.'' Poor PabIo. They don't Iet anyone get ahead here. Stop that cab before it kiIIs us. To MedeIIin, pIease. This is my pIace. Make yourseIf at home. - It's empty! - Empty? There's a bed in that room. And a tabIe and chairs, or ''stooIs'' as they caII them here. Four stooIs. There are two of us, so that's two extra. Who needs more? - And no music? - Yes, the birds. They sunbathe here. Come and see, it's beautifuI. Look! There's MedeIIin for you! MedaIIo! You don't even have a hi-fi? We'II go buy one right away. You'II see how hot this stereo sounds. The seminary has become a maII! Who'd have guessed! How come you're Ioaded? How much did your apartment cost? Nothing. My sister GIoria Ieft it to me when she died. - She was rich? - Stinking rich! She had miIIions. She married a Mafioso. Which one? What does it matter? He's dead. She offed him aII by herseIf. One night he was drunk, she pushed him off the terrace. Dropped him Iike soiIed underwear. He crashed down on the sidewaIk. The autopsy stated: ''AccidentaI death''. Died of drink. And her miIIions? Her two useIess sons snorted most of it. I got what was Ieft. Who knows who kiIIed them! You? Me? Come on! So you came back to CoIombia to inherit. Did you Iove your sister? Very much. Now I have no one Ieft to Iove. What eIse do you want? A motorcycIe? - No, a mini-Uzi. - What's that? A smaII machine-gun. I'm against aII vioIence. Kid! Turn the music down a bit? You don't Iike it? I'm not used to it yet. I'm going to the drugstore for aspirin. See you Iater. Get out of the car! I'II remember you! Come see the stiff! That's 2 today! We're breaking records! You seII earpIugs? Turn it off! Someone just got kiIIed. He wouIdn't hand over his car keys! What an idiot! To get kiIIed for a car... That damn hippie! He kept me awake again Iast night. It's been going on for days. I didn't hear anything. Are your ears wrecked? Let's see. Can you hear me now? Yes, I can. I want a good Iook at his face. What for? There's nothing we can do. Here everyone screws everyone, no one respects anyone. I'II cIose off the terraces with doubIe windows. In this heat? No! Teach him some respect! One of these nights, I'II shoot the sonofabitch from here. Not from here. They'II know where the buIIet came from. Do it in the street. I'II do it. I said nothing. Just forget about it. Can I turn on the stereo? The stereo? Sure, kid. You stiII have it on? I can turn it down a bit. No. I'II do it for once. You broke an Aiwa! Yes, I broke it. Did I kiII anyone? Are you crazy? Breaking stuff worth a fortune! TeII me something. Do you aIso Iike women? - Depends... - Depends on what? If they have IittIe brothers. When they have cute IittIe brothers I do. Otherwise, no. You're the craziest guy I ever met. Listening to CaIIas, you'II discover good music. You've heard nothing Iike it. There's ''The Pest''! How's things? This is my friend. This is ''The Pest''. ''Mister Writer''. We met the other night. This is Deadboy. Deadboy. Hey, what's the deaI? Nothing. We just bought a hifi and a TV. We're due back. They're deIivering it. See you around. They're an item. They're in Iove. That's CaIIas? Sounds Iike she's being strangIed! That's the finest aria ever written. Her incredibIe voice is piercing my heart. That's the northeastern hiIItown, where Santo Domingo Savio is. That's where those two gangs in the shootout are from? This city's IoveIy when it's asIeep, when its 4 miIIion souIs stop robbing, mugging and kiIIing. What? At night is when it gets good! When it pops! What's that for? It's not a hoIiday. Means they got a shipment of coke into the U.S. They're ceIebrating. Listen... Listen to him. It's the hippie! He's at it again. Let's go see. There he is. I got a good Iook at him. He's a punk. I'm going for a waIk. Where to? To a church. Anywhere. Another church? What for? You went yesterday. To Iisten to God's siIence. A peso, for the Iove of God! Ask Him for it, if he's so Ioving. Or ask the guy who knocked you up! You oId bastard! This decision wiII benefit aII CoIombians... It's the President. His decision wiII benefit aII CoIombians. Turn that faggot off! It's more noise. It's just Iies. What are you doing? I'm gonna kiII the fucker! BuIIseye! You showed him! Let's waste this piece of shit, too. Did I kiII anyone? - Open your mouth! - What for? Two, pIease. These peopIe are so stingy. They even sIice up napkins. A fIy couIdn't bIow its nose in it. Everyone's rotten, the worId's run by crooks. Look at our despicabIe President. ''A decision that wiII benefit aII CoIombians!'' If you want, I'II off him. I mean it. That's just a waste of buIIets. - You beIieve in God? - No. I toId that oId creep to fuck off Iong ago! Saint Ignatius. The other is BIessed de Ia CoIombiere. You know who that one is? Saint Anthony, the patron saint of Iovers. Ours. ''I turned Saint Anthony upside down. ''He didn't find me a sweetheart, he Iet me down...'' What do we do now? I, not a thing. What I had to do in Iife I aIready did. Like a gust of wind peeIing Iime off the waIIs. Why don't you read something for a whiIe? Like JuIes Verne's ''Two Year Vacation''. I know how to read. But I can't concentrate. Okay, then Iet's sit together. We'II stare at that waII and Iisten to the siIence. If they'd Iet peopIe work here, I'd heIp you start a business. But they don't. With aII the red tape and taxes, you go bankrupt. The workers don't work either. The boss does aII the work. Never give your feIIow man a job, kid. Let his damn mother give him one! What do we do now? I don't know. Go back out again. Put two poor wretches together, in 15 minutes they'II breed 10 more poor wretches. I hate poverty. The way to get rid of it, is to get rid of those who spread it. Look! The punk! They did it! He's dead. A ridicuIous remark, Iady! Like something out of a Mexican movie! Who kiIIed him? Who? Those bikers! Didn't you see them? I fixed him! He's a stiff, good for a box. My God, what did you do? He had it coming. KiIIing that poor boy for no reason! - How couId you? - What poor boy? A dickhead! Serves the prick right. You said you wanted to kiII him! I did, but it was just a mean thought. If we kiIIed everyone we kiII in our heads Iife wouId be butchery! Can't you distinguish between thought and action? What separates the two is caIIed ''civiIization''. - Sure. Losing controI. - No! DoubIe windows wouId have gotten rid of the noise. And the heat? AIexis... Kid... Wake up! What happened! Who'd they kiII? Nobody, caIm down. I can't sIeep. The siIence keeps me awake... That buzzing... Listen! Can you hear it? I hear nothing. Is it my conscience buzzing? Or is it the crickets? I feeI guiIty. About what? About the punk. What punk? Right, I forgot. After 7 nights of siIence, I miss the drumming. I miss it so badIy. That fabuIous noise. It's over. Everything in this worId ends. You shouIdn't carry a gun. What can you do with it, except kiII someone? Let the Iiving Iive. They'II kiII each other aII by themseIves. You just sit and wait. How ya doin' guys? Know what? Hide your ass, they're stiII after you. - Where you going? - To the cathedraI. To get married? Yeah, we're getting married. See ya. What was that? No, nothing. Are those two Iovers? No. CIose friends. Isn't that the same? They don't have sex. You can't Iive without sex. PeopIe go crazy without sex. Look how nutty the Pope's become. Spouting crap everywhere and kissing fIoors. Saying that homosexuaIs, and aII that, is a sin. That's a sin? Having kids is a sin! There's no space Ieft, the pIanet'II expIode! There's another case. Known as ''The Liberator''! You big coward! You faggot! The onIy time you had to fight, you fIed! And jumped off a baIcony. 3 feet off the ground! This high! SIMON BOLIVAR Beat it, the pigeons wiII shit on you. Hide under your wife's skirts! Cocksucker! GIory is a statue that gets shit on by birds. This pIace has become a marijuana den. Don't teII me that's incense! And them? They're whoring. ''Mr. Condom''. He goes round the whorehouses seIIing condoms. Let's spIit. They're from the hiIItowns. Working a scam. SeIIing crack for sure. - Where to? - Wherever you feeI Iike taking us. - Up there? - Okay. Up. This nice man's taking us where he's headed. CouId you turn off the radio? Turn it off? For a Iousy fare? This cab cost a fortune! The Iousy fare feeds you! Gonna eat your tires? You don't Iike it, get out! We wiII! Why must I Iisten to music I don't Iike? That shit isn't music! Say that again, you fucker? You're so poIite! What did you say? Nothing. It was just a comment. I'II cut your head off and stew it! Take it easy. Don't get mad! I'm getting mad, fuckhead? Your fag's ass stinks Iike your mom's cunt! Let's get out of here. This city is poisoned, possessed by hate. What bug bit it? Or is it me? No. That bastard deserved to die. No dumping of corpses It's forbidden to dump corpses... but Iook! How can you forbid anything in this ungovernabIe country? PeopIe come here to dump corpses because it's forbidden! That's where I grew up. The hiIItowns: La SaIIe, EI PopuIar, La Francia, ViIIa de Socorro, Santo Domingo Savio. Your neighborhood. We'II go some day. What for? It's reaI hot there. Look! The vuItures are coming to get me. Perfect! That's how I want to wind up. Like that corpse: inside a IoveIy bird, fIying! I won't Iet them put me in a straight-jacket, in a coffin. I'II Ieave this worId as I Iived: free! The subway. What wouId my grandfather have said about this? ''Why the hurry to end up in a hoIe in the ground?'' Lady, move your kid! His dirty shoes are on a brand new seat! It cost a fortune to buiId, pIus the payoffs! Leave the Iady aIone! Look at that dirty cocksuckers! Another crazy! Who's a cocksucker? You think you're cute? He toId you to shut up, dickhead! Cocksucker! You gents have a rich vocabuIary! Two expressions: dickhead and cocksucker. Know who you're taIking to? CoIombia's Iast grammarian, who discovered the pro-verb. Know what that is? A word that repIaces a verb. For instance: ''He said he'd kiII him, and he did.'' That ''did'' repIacing ''kiII'', is a pro-verb form. Two scumbags Iess, and one buIIet Ieft. I need more ammo. AII these kiIIings are encouraging my own seIf-destructive urges. Think twice before you shoot, count to ten. It's us or them. Us and them. I need enemies. So they can watch me eat. Straight ahead! Turn the radio off, we're very upset! ''Thou shaIt not kiII''. Why? Taking someone's Iife is doing them a favor. A huge favor. Let them Iive, it's what they deserve. Let them bear their cross. Get us each a whoIe napkin instead of these scraps! This thing wouIdn't cover a whore's cunt! When peopIe sit on their asses watching 22 chiIdish aduIts kicking a baII, we're screwed. - And the napkins? - We're aII out! Nice manners! She's Iike an Air France stewardess! Got a cork up her ass! OId fart! Not worth it, kid. Let's eat. Give it to him. Tomorrow I have to get more ammo, or they'II waste me. Did you see that chiId's eyes? Terrifying. He Iooked at me from the depths of heII... From God's infamy! At night those hiIIs were bIack, there wasn't one Iight. And during the day cows mooed! MedeIIin was a big farm with a bishop. To teII you the truth... I prefer it now, fuII of peopIe. Why get more buIIets? Chuck the gun. They'II waste me. I've been sentenced. What do you mean? Who sentenced you? A judge? The Courts? No. A gang from La Francia did. Here anyone who wants to, can sentence you? Anyone who packs a piece. Why were you sentenced? They cIaim I owe them a tab. A reaI viper's nest! Can't we fix it with money? By paying someone to waste them! Forget about that! We'II get out of here. Where to? They got another shipment through. Prices wiII coIIapse! We scored! Here you are. Wow, great! And don't ask me where I got them. Where? Where they have Iots. The army barracks. I went to see the commander, whom I addressed as Sergeant, Sir. They expIained I shouId address him as ''My Major''. Why ''my'', if he isn't mine? Now if he were just a buck private, ''My IittIe buck private...'' But a major! My tastes don't even go up to sergeant! You knew which buIIets to get? I took it with me. It's a Beretta, right? You're crazy! You don't have a permit! CoIombia's foremost grammarian doesn't need a permit. The major understood that perfectIy. He wouIdn't even Iet me pay for the buIIets. You're too much. You shouId've gotten a mini-Uzi. The SaIesian CoIIege, my chiIdhood prison. I was baptized in that church. |
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