Parent Trap The CD2
I mean, when you get older. That is, when you get to be my age, it won't seem old to you.
And then you'll probably--
- Hey, where'd you learn how to play the piano? - ?? [ Stops ]
Oh. [ Chuckles ] They taught us at camp.
- Gee, that's awfully good. Five weeks-- - ?? [ ''Chopsticks'' ]
- Could you stop now for just a minute, please? - ?? [ Stops ]
- Yeah, sure. - Pay attention.
See, I've been wanting to have this little talk with you about--
What would you think about our making Vicky... a part of our family?
- A part of the family? - Uh-huh.
- Um-- Oh, I think that's a wonderful idea. - You do?
Well, I most certainly do. I've always wanted to have a sister.
No, no, honey. You see. [ Laughs ] You're missing the whole point.
- And how sweet of you to want to adopt Vicky. - No, baby.
I don't want to adopt her. I wanna marry her.
- Marry her? - Mm-hmm.
You've just got to be kidding!
[ Sighs ] You can't marry her. She's just a child!
She's not a child, She's a woman, Will you please stop referring to her as a child?
It's all relative, Dad. Don't you see? Compared to her, you're an old man.
- I am not an old man! - You are too! It's absolutely revolting!
- Revolting? - It's the most revolting thing I ever heard of!. A man of--
- I'm not even gonna discuss it with you if you don't stop shouting. - But, Dad--
Just stop it!
All right. I'm not screaming.
- And we'll talk about this perfectly calmly and rationally. - Fine.
You ''ca-un't'' get married! You'll ruin everything. All the plans we made!
- What are you talking about? - The scheming and the diagrams!
And my hair! Look at my hair! I cut it just for you!
And my fingernails, I bit them all off just because of you!
Of all the thick-headed fathers!
- Oh, for days and weeks and weeks! - Come here.
Nothing but work...
and boys and names and hair and-- [ Groans ]
I don't know what's the matter with her? I try to talk to her and she gets hysterical.
- [M Sharon Yelling ] - Not even making any sense now.
Let me speak to her for a minute. Women understand these things better.
Make yourself scarce.
- Hello, darling. - He's making an absolute ninny of himself.
Oh, it came as quite a shock to you the way he told you, didn't it?
Men put things so badly.
Can't you and I discuss this calmly and rationally together like grown-up women?
Oh, I'm sure we can. You're not afraid to come over here and talk to me, are you?
I'm not afraid to talk to anybody.
You're a big girl now, Susan. You're old enough to understand...
that wonderful, delicate mystery that happens sometimes between a man and a woman.
I know what wonderful, delicate mystery Daddy sees in you.
And I can't say I blame him there, either. You're very nicely put together.
Your father underestimates you, I think.
I'm sure you won't, will you, Vicky?
[ Chuckles ]
Susan, dear, you've had him to yourself all this time...
and I can understand that suddenly to have another woman around,
well, it's a tremendous intrusion.
But all my life it seemed I've hoped and waited for someone like him.
Someone gentle and mature, rough-edged but quick to laugh,
someone understanding and wise,
All the things that I've come to love and cherish in him.
- Well, that's very refreshing. - Why, dear?
Most girls just run after Daddy because he's so wealthy.
Are you inferring that I'd marry your father for his money?
If the shoe fits, wear it.
Look, pet, I've tried to be friendly,
but I'm gonna marry your father, so you get used to the idea.
You wanna bet?
Oh, honey, don't you play with the big girls.
You'll be in way over your head.
[M Walking Up The Stairs ]
- Operator. - Gimme Western Union, please.
For Sharon? A child of her age getting a telegram?
Well, don't stand there, daughter. Let her read it. It belongs to her.
- But who would possibly be sending her a telegram? - [ Groans ]
[ Chuckles Nervously ]
[ Clears Throat ]
- [ Chuckles ] - [M Margaret ] Sharon?
''Alexander Graham 3 a,m, ''
Who could she possibly know in California?
Uh... Bertha Watterbury. This girl I met at camp. Sensational girl.
It's a rather cryptic message. What does it mean?
Well, she's crazy about this boy AleXander.
And he took her on a very important date till three a.m.
- I've never heard of such a thing. A child of that age. - Oh, Louise.
- [M Grandfather ] We're living in a modern age, - [M Louise Ranting ]
[ Sighs ]
- [M Phone Ringing ] - [M Susan ] Hello?
- Miss Susan Evers? - Speaking.
- Go ahead please. - It's me again.
I know. Boy, did I have a time eXplaining your telegram, coo-coo-pig.
Grandmother went into a five-minute lecture on raising children? What's wrong now?
I told you what to do,
You've got to believe me, it's an emergency. I'm in this horrible trouble.
- Now, don't dramatize it. - I'm not, stupid. This time it's serious.
- It's the worst thing that could happen. - You mean it's gone that far?
- At a time like this, I think Mother ought to be here. - Okay.
- Tomorrow morning I'll break the bomb. See ya soon? - How's Mother?
- Fine. - Kiss her for me and Grandpa.
Oh! Hi, Grandpa.
- Susan? - Yeah-- [ Stammering ]
Sit down. Sit down.
I think you and I ought to have a little chat.
[ Chuckles Nervously ]
Oh, and we've got the Picasso eXhibition at 4:00, Margaret. We don't wanna miss that.
- Oh, no. - Are you coming, Charles?
- No, thank you. - Then we should get out in time for Mrs. Saunders' tea.
- Oh, Caroline's daughter's coming. - Oh, really?
Now, Sharon, you've got your dancing lesson at 1 0:30.
Then you can go straight on to the musical appreciation at the Leonardo Hall,
- Oh, Staimes can drive her in your car, Charles? - Yes, yes. [ Stammering ]
- Now at 3::00-- - I don't think I'll be able to do any of those today.
What did you say?
Sharon, you interrupted your grandmother.
Well, I have something important to tell you.
Mother-- Mother, I think what you and Daddy did to us children is lousy!
- In fact, I think it stinks! - Sharon!
And let's get this straight. I'm not Sharon, I'm Susan!
- Sharon, your Sharon, is out at California with Daddy. - But it's impossible!
- You can't be Susan. - But I am Susan!
Sharon and I met at camp, so we decided to switch places.
She bit off her fingernails and I cut her hair.
And now she's out at California with Dad swimming and riding my horse and having a keen time,
and I'm stuck here with these lousy music lessons and I hate them!
Oh, I'm sorry, Mother.
But I wanted to see you, and I miss not having a mother.
I love you very much, and I wondered...
if you could love me as me and not as Sharon, please?
Oh, my darling.
Why didn't you let me know? Why didn't you tell me?
I couldn't help it.
I mean, I wanted to be near you and to know what it was like to have a mother and everything.
Oh, dear, let me look at-- She's eXactly--
- I know. I can't believe it. - Oh, baby. Louise?
- What is it? - It's wonderful. Oh, darling.
-[M Susan ] We talked about it at camp and decided it would be the best thing, - Louise?
- What is it? - It's most important.
- Well, what is it? - I just thought they ought to be alone for a minute, that's all.
She's Margaret's child. She hasn't seen her since she was one year old.
- Well, I'm her grandmother! I have a right to-- - L-L-Louise.
For once I'm putting my foot down. Let them alone.
I've tried, Mother. Honestly, I have, but I don't understand.
Darling, it doesn't mean that your father and I didn't love each other.
But sometimes even when people think a lot about each other,
they sometimes just don't get on together.
So you're gonna have to switch us back again, huh?
Well, legally, you belong to your father and Sharon belongs to me.
His and hers. Makes me feel like a bathroom towel.
[ Sighs ] It's lousy, isn't it?
But don't worry. We'll find a way.
- A siX-month split. That's how it's gonna end up. - A what?
Oh, a lot of kids in camp have that problem too.
SiX months with one parent. SiX months with the other.
[ Chuckles ] Like a yo-yo.
Oh, I don't like it anymore than you do, darling.
But don't worry. I'm not gonna lose you now.
- Oh, Bettina, would you put this in your case? - May I come in?
- Of course, Dad. - Well, I have you and Susan on the noon plane.
- That doesn't give us very much time. - Best I can do on short notice.
- Well, thank you. - Traffic's pretty heavy these days.
Are you, uh-- Are you wearing that dress on the trip, are you?
- What's wrong with it? - Oh, it's very nice. Very nice.
Give my best to Mitch when you see him. I wonder what kind of a wife he has now.
- Oh, who said he's married? - Well, a vital romantic fellow like Mitch,
it's a cinch he'd find himself a nice young wife.
Well, I certainly hope that she likes to sleep in the great outdoors and scale fish.
Yeah, now, no sour grapes now.
- Oh, Bettina, would you see if you can find my blue skirt? - Yes, ma'am.
You know, Margaret, I've got to hand it to you for one thing. I've got to give you credit.
It certainly shows strength of character not to go with the new fashion trends in clothes.
All right, Dad, now what are you trying to get at?
Oh, no, I was just saying, you know-- I'm just saying that. And take your hairstyle.
- What's wrong with my hair? - That's what I mean.
Women nowadays are wearing their hair a little differently. A little fuller, maybe.
All right, Dad, are you looking for a fight?
With my favorite daughter? Not on your life. Now, now, don't get me wrong.
My goodness. Well, you know, you are what you are.
Now, God love you, I wouldn't want to change you for the world.
- Who said anything about changing? - That's what I say.
- Stay the way you are. - Well, I certainly intend to.
A nice, reliable, settled, comfortable woman...
who accepts the coming of age with grace and dignity.
Why, that's the most horrible thing that anybody could possibly say!
There you are, you're flying off the handle.
And all I came in here for was to kiss you good-bye and wish you good luck.
[ Chuckles ] Good-bye, daughter, huh.
- Good-bye! - Give my regards to Mitch, huh?
You know, come to think of it, that dress seems just perfect for you.
- Hi, Mother. I'm all packed. What time do we go? - On the noon plane.
We haven't got very much time. Have you got everything we wanted for Sharon?
Um, how'd you like to stop over in New York for a few days?
Well, I thought that we might do some shopping before we head West.
Hey, we got a nice little calf there, Mitch.
[M Cows Mooing ]
What's eatin' you?
Ya ever get that funny feeling like something's gonna happen?
Like a storm brewin'?
No. Come on.
Verbena! Verbena, we're here! Sharon!
Verbena, we're here!
Come on, Mother. Shall I help you with--
- Oh, darling. - Verbena. How are you?
Mrs. Evers. You just look wonderful. Here, let me take your things.
- Let me take 'em inside. Hello, darling. - Hello, Verbena. How are you?
- Oh, I'm fine. But we've missed you. - How's Andromeda and Schotzli?
- That's $3.25. - Thank you very much. Keep the change.
Come on, Mother.
Can't wait to get you inside and show you how lovely everything is.
- Oh, it was just wonderful. - Oh, fine.
- Mother! Oh, I'm so glad you came. - Sharon! Oh, darling.
Oh! You look wonderful! What'd you do to yourself?
- Do you like it? - Oh, I love it.
Oh, darling. Oh.
Finally, both of you together at last.
- What do you think of each other? - Fine.
- We love each other. - Hi, Sue.
- Hi, - [ Laughing ]
Oh, and just look at you. That short hair.
- I cut it, Mother. - You know, I like it.
Oh, and I love yours, Mother.
- Where's your father? - Oh, he's out somewhere on a horse.
Are we in time?
- Time? - Didn't you tell her?
Tell me what?
- Well-- - Dad's getting married.
Well-- When is all this taking place?
She just sort of infiltrated, Mother.
And before you knew it, Dad was hooked.
If you ask me, Mr. Evers is slipping into his second childhood.
Oh, your father is old enough to know what he's doing. Shall we go upstairs and get unpacked?
- I'm just dying to get into a hot shower after that long plane trip. - [ Chattering ]
- Want a beer? - Yeah, I'll be in in a minute.
You know, I don't say a word, not a single word.
But the things that Vicky woman has been up to, well, really-- Oh, well, I--
- ?? [ Whistling ] - Hi, Dad!
Oh, well. Hi. Look who's talking to me?
- Why shouldn't I talk to you? - Oh, come on, do--
- I can get married anytime I want to, you got that? - Yeah.
Don't stand there and pretend you don't know what I'm talking about...
after you've been walking around like a mummy for two days.
Yes, you, me, two days, nothing.
- Remember? - Oh.
Oh, yeah, you and-- [ Sighs ]
I guess I have been acting sort of sulky lately.
Sulky? Ha! Well, that's the understatement of the year.
Sulky? You haven't been sulky.
You've been plain impossible! You've been monstrous!
Now, pouting is childish. You're much too old for that.
And not speaking to someone because you're mad at them is just plain-- it's, uh--
- Feminine. - Yes, feminine. And she's absolutely right.
- And that's the worst part of being feminine too. - [M Doorbell Rings ]
The doorbell's ringing.
Yeah, well. Oh, listen, now.
That's the minister and Miss Robinson and you're to be polite to them, understand?
Here. Come here.
- Hello. - Hello, darling.
Oh, Mitch. Mitchell, I want you to meet Dr. Mosby.
- Dr, Mosby, Mitchell Evers, the groom, -[M Dr, Mosby ] How do you do?
Oh, how beautiful!
Isn't this lovely? So masculine.
Mitch, it needs a woman's touch.
[ Gasps ] There's that angelic creature again.
- [M Vicky ] Hello, Susan? How are you today? - Fine. Thank you.
This is the Reverend Mosby, dear. He's going to conduct the marriage ceremony.
- How do you do? - How do you do, my dear?
- I gotta go up and change. EXcuse me for just a minute, please. - Certainly.
Say, how'd you like to be hostess for a few minutes?
[ Whispering ] And be polite.
?? [ Whistling ]
- Hi, Dad. - Hi, honey.
- There's some people downstairs. Did you know? - Yeah, I know.
?? [ Whistling ]
?? [ Stops ]
Your grandfather sends his love. And your grandmother does too and she's fine.
- She's downstairs. Do you wanna see her? - Who, Vicky?
- Mm-hmm. - No, thanks. I've seen her.
Well, I haven't.
-Hey, Susie, uh-- -Did you want something, Daddy?
No, honey, never mind.
Mother, this is my wedding. You've had four.
- Why didn't you make some drinks, Vicky? - We were waiting for you.
- Let's have something, huh, Edna? - Anything you have.
- The usual, darling. - Reverend, I don't suppose you indulge?
Oh. Well, uh, perhaps a little something by way of a nuptial toast.
Bourbon, double, on the rocks.
- Yes, sir. - [M Edna ] Vicky, I know this is your wedding,
but think how an outdoor ceremony will look in the newspapers,
I'm inclined to agree with you, Mrs. Robinson.
You know, the Marco-Dennisons had their wedding...
- under a striped awning tent, - Ohh.
last month it was, and the atmosphere was ideally apropos,
there in God's natural setting, under the trees.
[ Chuckles ]
- Oh, Mitchy-- - Upsa-daisy, darling.
[ All Chattering At Once ]
Edna, I think your idea about having the wedding outside is wonderful.
- I forgot about the beautiful trees we have out there. - [ Chattering ]
The procession starts from the house. Vicky comes down the walk.
Now, Dr, Mosby and I could be right here and we could put lights out over the lake,
Nothing could be more perfect.
Look at all those trees just waiting for--
- Hurry. - Get hold of him. Grab him.
- All right, I've got him. - Mitchell, don't drown! We're gonna be married!
- Pull him up! - Gimme your hand, quick!
- Mitch, darling. [ Shouting ] - Yes, I'm all right.
- You're all wet, for Pete's sake. - Yes, I'm all right!
- I'll be back in just a minute. - [M Vicky ] No need to shout,
- We were only worried, - That way I can get out of the-- Well,just, wait--
- Mitch. - Maggie.
- How are you? - Oh, fine, thanks. How are you?
Oh, I'm fine. Gee, you look-- You look--
- I got a flock of people out there! - Don't start yelling!
- Will you tell me what you're doing here? - Let me explain!
[M Mitch ] What in the world if she sees you?
Will you just keep quiet a minute, I'll tell you!
Well, what are you doin' here?
If you'll just stop screaming at her, she'll eXplain, Dad.
[ Together] Surprise.
That's what I was trying to tell you.
Well-- Both of'em?
The two of them together? I can't-- Maggie, how'd it happen?
We met at camp, and then the whole thing just sort of came out.
- They switched places on us. - [M Mitch ] They what?
Sue came to Boston to be with me.
- You mean this is Sharon? - [M Margaret ] Uh-huh,
- I had Sharon all this time? - Yeah,
- Well-- - You're Sharon?
I wanted to know what you were like and Susan wanted to meet Mother.
You are Sharon. [ Laughing ]
- You were only a tiny little baby when I-- - You're not mad, are you, Daddy?
No, no, sweetheart. I just can't believe it's you. That's all.
- Oh, my gosh, the trouble I had burping you. - Oh, Daddy, really!
No, I mean it. I spent most of my nights walking the floor up and down with you.
- Two o'clock feedings, - And where was I?
Well, it was half and half.
Oh, you used up more diapers than any ten kids.
- Daddy, diapers! - Yes, diapers!
Look at you now. Look at her.
Quite grown up.
- And quite without a father. - Ah, honey--
- And I'm quite without a mother. - Shh.
Now, girls, we'll discuss this later on.
I want to talk to your father now.
Come on, Sharon. They wanna be alone.
Daddy-- Daddy, please don't marry that woman.
All right, Sharon, run along now.
Will you look at that?
I can't believe it. You know, the last time I saw them together they were that big,
and you had 'em in that thing and you were pushing them through the park.
Oh, what a time for you to show up,just when I'm gonna get married.
I didn't know, Mitch, honest. Sharon told me when I got here.
That girl is my fiancee and--
I know. I saw her.
All right... let's have it.
I think she's adorable.
Well, sure you do. EXcept for what?
I think she's a perfect dream.
Of course, her eyes are a little too close together, if you don't mind that.
Maggie, don't try those old, worn-out tricks on me. They don't work anymore.
Now, will you just go on upstairs and put on something decent?
- I'm perfectly decent. - Oh, sure, running around in my bathrobe!
That looks great. She's liable to come in and see you in that. It looks like we just--
- Like we what? - You just go upstairs and put on some clothes, that's all!
Don't you use that tone of voice with me. We're not married anymore, remember?
But this is my house! You're not gonna go running around in it dressed in that thing!
I'll do anything that I please and don't start ordering me around!
Maggie, I'm warning you for the last time, now go upstairs and put on some clothes--
Don't try force on me. I lammed you once and I can do it--
- Now, stand back. - Now, Maggie. Maggie.
Don't start that, will you? Come on.
- Mitch, take your hands off me. Now let me alone. - [ Groaning ]
- I'm warning you! - [ Moans ]
- [ Gasps ] Oh. - Ow! Why did you have to do that?
Oh, Mitch, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.
Why do you have to get so physical?
Can't even talk to you about anything. You're always trying to belt me with something.
- That's the most vicious thing. - Oh, Mitch, now it can't be that bad.
- It's typical of you. It is too that bad. It hurts. - Let me see it.
- Leave it alone. You've done enough. - Help me here. Open up.
- Let me see. - Don't-- Don't hand open it.
- Ow! Oh, now you did it. - Oh, Mitch.
Stop acting like a big baby. Now, I didn't get a good look at it.
- I want a doctor to look at it. - Don't be ridiculous. You're worse than the twins.
Mr. Evers? Mr. Evers? The ladies were wondering--
Oh, eXcuse me.
- Oh! - Reverend.
Now, wait just a minute, sir. There's nothing wrong here.
Nothing wrong at all. It's not anything like you were thinking.
It's very easy to eXplain. You see, sir, this is my wife.
- How do you, madam? - Rev. Mosby, my wife.
How do you do?
- Then what about-- - Oh, no. EX-wife.
She came out here all of a sudden, very uneXpectedly...
to discuss some little miX-up that we had about the children.
While we were discussing it, I merely suggested she go and put on something decent because--
What am I telling you all this for? It's none of your darn business.
Well, don't snap at him so. He didn't ask for an eXplanation.
You're the one who's babbling on as if there were... something to hide.
- Dr. Mosby isn't at all shocked seeing me like this, are you? - Of course he's shocked.
He walks in here and you're running around in that get-up, climbing over me on the couch.
On the contrary, I'm not at all shocked. I see nothing wrong with your wife's attire.
- EX-wife. - She's very beautiful, in fact.
You see, I knew I liked you.
Also, Mr. Evers, you'll find that I'm not without a sense of humor.
- I find this situation fraught with humor. - [ Chuckles ]
- Quite out of the everyday, as we say, eh? - [ Laughing ]
Could you eXcuse us for just a moment, Dr. Mosby?
Listen, Maggie, for once in your life try to be a little understanding, please?
I've got to go outside and eXplain why you're here.
Now that-- that's not gonna be easy.
- And I suppose they'll want to meet me. - I suppose that's natural.
Besides, I wanna keep this thing honest and above board.
Very well, then. I'll just run upstairs and slip into something more comfortable.
Ha-ha. Very funny.
- Oh, Dr. Mosby, don't you run away now. - I'll be here.
- I'll be back in just a few minutes. - I'll look forward to that.
A delightful woman, Mr. Evers. However did you let her slip away from you?
- She's simply delightful. - [ Chuckles ]
[M Groans ]
- Why couldn't she have checked in into a hotel? - I told you, I didn't invite her.
- I knew something would go wrong. - Nothing has gone wrong.
- Nothing's gone wrong? - She was home when I got here. She had already unpacked.
- [M Edna ] She's going to spend the night? - [M Vicky ] I won't have that!
Wait a minute. You're reading implications--
Wouldn't you like to go out and look at the garden?
- No, no, indeed. I'm enjoying this immensely. - You are?
Very interesting situation. Quite out of the everyday, you know.
- [ Chuckles ] - Yes, it sure is.
Edna, listen, I guarantee you, by tomorrow morning--
Mitch, I will not have her spending the night in this house. You get rid of her.
Vicky, will you try to be a little understanding. Now, she is not that kind of a woman.
She's a woman. That's enough.
Edna, she's not what you think at all. In the first place, she's from Boston.
- [ Chuckles ] - She's older. She's more mature.
- Oh, yes, of course. - She's already had two children. She's really the motherly type.
- Vicky, I swear to you on a stack of bibles, you've got nothing-- - [M Footsteps On Stairs ]
Hello, everybody. Sorry to keep you waiting. I'm Margaret McKendrick.
- Hello, hello, hello. - Oh, hello, again,
And this must be Vicky.
Oh, you are adorable. I'd know you anywhere from Mitch's description.
I'm Mrs. Robinson.
Oops! Sorry, Mitch.
It could happen to anybody. [ Chuckling ]
Oh, you are divine. Oh, Mitch, she's simply breathtaking.
I was just thinking the same thing about you, dear.
At my age?
Oh, you are a sweet child.
- Mitch described you somewhat differently. - He certainly did.
[M Laughing ] Uh-- Excuse me,
Of course you know what husbands think about ex-wives,:
like an old, comfortable, worn-out shoe cast in the closet,
Well, off with the old...
and on with the new, eh?
I must say, you are young.
- Isn't that lucky for Mitch? - Yes,
I was so thrilled when I heard you were going to take the plunge with old Mitch,
- Maggie. - We really must celebrate this occasion.
Mitch, darling, be a good boy and run along and open up some champagne.
Now, tell me all about yourself. We really must get to be very good friends.
No! I don't want you to get to be very good friends! Now, that's not the idea!
- [ Mumbling ] - We have to be running anyway.
- Well, perhaps you'd better. - All good things have to come to an end, you know.
Oh, dear, what a pity. Just as we were getting to know each other.
So nice to have met you.
I know you won't be coming to the wedding, but you'll see it in the society columns.
- Never read them. - Oh, really. What a shame. You miss so much.
Actually, I never go to funerals or weddings.
I prefer elopements. They're much more romantic.
What a shame you can't stay and have dinner with Mitch and me and the children.
Yes, Vicky and I have a million things to do.
You know, fittings and odds and ends to buy.
Just charge it to good old Mitch. [ Whispering ] He's loaded.
- Oh? I didn't... really know. - Oh, didn't you?
Well, good-bye, It was so nice to have met you,
Good-bye, Vicky, darling. You're just as cute as you can be.
[ Laughs ]
Delightful, charming woman.
It's amazing how he ever let her slip away from him.
You want me to lose my job? Your pa'll fire me for sure.
- Oh, go on, Hecky, please? - We're leaving tomorrow and I've only got tonight.
- Please? - No. I won't be any part of a conspiracy like this.
He'll do it, or else he'll cook his own meals for the neXt month.
A gypsy? [ Moans ]
[ Groans ]
Hey, uh, what happened to dinner?
Oh, dinner's being served on the patio tonight.
- Oh, whose idea is that? - It's none of my never mind. I don't say a word.
- I know, you never say a word. - People who talk too much talk too much.
So I don't say anything, I mind my own business, I've been doing that for years,
Hey, Verbena, what the heck's all this? What--
- Don't ask questions. Go sit. You wanna ruin everything? - Ruin what?
- You gonna tell fortunes-- - Go sit down. Dinner's all ready to serve.
[M Crickets Chirping ]
- [ Chuckles ] - [M Footsteps ]
Well, what's all this?
I don't know, Don't ask me, I just got here, This is just my house,
- Nobody ever tells me anything about what's going on. - And dinner on the patio.
Was this your idea, Mitch?
No, it was not my idea. What are you looking at?
Oh, Mitch, that eye, it just looks dreadful. Now, really, you must put something on it.
- Don't you concern yourself. - What did you do, step on a rake?
No. Actually, a very well-bred ladylike Bostonian matron pinned it on me...
if you want the Associated Press release on it.
Anybody I know? Oh, Verbena.
- Sort of special for tonight. I think you'll like it. - [ Sniffs ]
- Smells delicious. - Now what do you call that?
- Veal parmigiana. - Veal--
- I hate that kind of stuff. She knows that. - ????[M Violin ]
What do you think you're doing?
Mitch, please, I may go out and kill myself, I don't know.
[M Susan ] Hecky, come on! It's time!
- [ Laughing ] - EXcuse me, Mitch. All right.
[M Laughter Continues ]
Mitch, please don't laugh at this.
- What's the matter with you? - Well, don't you see?
Ladies and gentlemen, the management has gotten together some entertainment for you,
Well, without... further ado, ladies and gentlemen,
I'd like to introduce direct from Boston...
playing Beethoven's ''Fifth Symphony'' on the piano,
Miss Sharon McKendrick.
[M Applause Stops ]
Hey, what's all this noise?
Would you kindly get off the stage? I'm in the middle of a concert.
A concert! Honey, you're going to put the paying customers to sleep with all this jazz.
You gotta get the new sounds.
?? [ Strumming ]
Come on, now, let's compromise.
You give a little. I'll give a little. Come on, let's get together.
? Let's get together Yeah, yeah, yeah ?
? Why don't you and I combine ?
? Let's get together What do ya say?
? We could have a swingin' time ?
[ Together] ? We'd be a crazy team ?
? Why don't we beg to see ?
? Together Oh, oh, oh, oh ?
? Let's get together Yeah, yeah, yeah ?
?? Think of all that we could share??
? Let's get together every day?
? Every way and everywhere ?
? And though we haven't got a lot ?
? We could be sharing all we've got ?
? Oh, I really think you're swell ?
? Uh-huh, we really ring the bell ?
? Ooo-we, and if you stick with me ?
? Nothin' could be greater Say, hey, alligator?
- ??Let's get together Yeah,yeah,yeah?? - [ Laughing ]
? Two is twice as nice as one ?
? Let's get together right away?
? We'll be having twice the fun ?
? And you can always count on me ?
? A gruesome twosome we will be ?
? Let's get together Yeah, yeah, yeah ??
[ Laughs ] Oh, that was wonderful, girls!
[M Mitch Laughs ]
- Great! Great! - Wonderful, girls, Marvelous!
- Come on down and have dinner. - Yeah, come on, we got spaghetti, all kinds of glop.
Oh, no, it's all right, thank you. We've already had dinner in the kitchen.
Yes. You go ahead and enjoy yourselves. We're going to bed.
Good night, Mom. Good night, Dad.
Mm-hmm. Good night, Mom. Have fun.
- Good night, girls. - Good night, kids.
How about those two monkeys, huh? Imagine them putting together a thing like that.
- Oh, they've put much more than that together, Mitch. - What do you mean?
Well, don't you understand? The drippy candles,
the violin music, the veal parmigiana,
- ????[M''For Now, For Always''] - Martinelli's. Don't you remember?
- Oh. - Our first date. They tried to recreate it.
Crazy, sweet kids.
[ Sighs ] Well, what are we going to do about them?
Now that they've met, we certainly can't keep them apart.
No, we sure can't do that, can we?
Well, I guess the only logical thing we can do is...
try to share them.
You could take them both for siX months and then I could have them for the rest of the year.
That way at least they'd be together.
I think that's the best way, don't you?
Yes, I guess it is.
- ''SiX-month split.'' That's what Susan calls it. - Yeah.
That's about all we can do.
You know, Mitch, all of a sudden, I'm-- I'm very depressed.
Ah, Maggie, it would have been worse if we'd stayed together, you know that.
All that fighting and squabbling. You with that Irish temper.
- You were just as difficult and hard to get along with. - Oh, sure, I know. I admit it.
- It was a mistake in the beginning. - Was it, Mitch?
Well, it's pretty obvious, isn't it?
You know, you haven't changed much. The years have been good to you, Mitch.
aren't you going to return the compliment?
Oh, yeah. You know, as a matter of fact, Maggie, you look... pretty good.
Well, don't stumble over the words. You know, you don't have to say them.
No, really, I mean it. Uh-- What did you do to yourself anyway?
Do to myself?
SiXteen plastic surgeons, a major reconstruction job on my face so I could be presentable.
- Aw, Maggie-- - Well, who do you think I am?
Some troll who crawled out of the woods to come calling on you?
Oh, I admit, I'm not as young as that simpering, baby-faced,
- platinum doll who's got her hooks in you! - Now, don't get started on Vicky,
Oh, that's right, don't say anything about that dear, sweet, precious Vicky.
That plotz-faced child bride and her electric hips!
Oh, I-I'm sorry, Mitch.
It always happens, doesn't it?
Well, it won't happen anymore.
I'm leaving in the morning with Sharon.
I really do mean this, Mitch,
I wish you the best of everything with Vicky.
Holy smokes! What a lousy mess they made of that.
All our plans, and Mother and I will be leaving tomorrow.
[ Sighs ] Well, don't give up. We've got all night to think of something.
- Like what? - Well, I don't know.
- Sharon, taXi's waiting. - I'm coming,
- Susan, aren't you coming down to say good-bye to me? - Be right there, Mother,
I'll-- I'll send Susan back for Christmas.
I'll see that... Sharon comes out here for Easter.
Well, I suppose that's the best way.
I suppose so.
What are you doing in those clothes?
Sharon, what is this?
Well, I'll tell you. We've thought it over and we've come to a decision.
- Yep. We decided we were getting gypped. - Yeah, gypped.
- Oh-- - Now what do you mean, gypped?
Well, we decided that we wanted to spend our-- our camp out together.
- So, whichever one of us is Sharon-- - And we won't tell.
- Whichever one of us is Sharon, we're not going to Boston. - [M Mitch ] Ha!
Now, don't get smart with me, girls.
Sharon, go right upstairs and put your suit on. Now, go on.
Are you sure she's Sharon?
Of course she is!
- Aren't you? - [M Susan Laughs ]
- Tough to tell, ain't it? - Ain't it?
Isn't it? Now, stop all of this foolishness. We're going to miss the plane.
- That's the whole idea. - [ Gasps ]
- Mitch, do something! - Susan, go--
- Yes, Daddy? - Yes, Daddy?
- That's not funny! - That's not funny.
- That's not funny. - Oh, this one is Susan. The smart aleck here.
- Are you sure? - Of course I'm sure. I know my own daughter, don't I?
You're not really sure, are you, Daddy?
- You know, I'm not. - I think they're ready to listen.
Right, here's the deal.
We leave for the camp out immediately, all of us.
And when you bring us back on Friday, then we'll tell you who's Sharon and who's Susan.
That's the deal. Take it or leave it.
What am I to do for three days while you're off on some crazy trip into the woods?
- Stay home and knit? - It's not my fault. I can't tell them apart.
- What do you want me to do? - Give them a good spanking and make them tell.
Oh, you don't spank 1 3 year olds, especially for something like this.
- Is she coming along? - That's part of the deal.
- Mitch, I will not have it. - Good morning, Vicky.
I will not sit while you're off prowling through the woods with her.
- You're absolutely right. - Will you keep out of this?
Oh, Mitch, you just can't go off and leave your fiancee alone for three whole days.
- What on earth would people say? - Sure, all right, group activity leader, what do you suggest?
- I think that you ought to come along with us. - Fine.
- Maybe I just will. - It's the only decent thing to do.
- Sure. - Of course, we're going to have to get you another outfit,
but I know where Mitch keeps his old shirts.
We can find you some boots, and very quickly we will have you all fiXed up.
Are they all comin' with us?
- Hecky, here's some more stuff. - All right, keep your shirt on.
- Hi, Dad. - Hi.
- Here. - Everything's almost packed.
- When do we get going? - Have you got enough?
-Just fasten the belt a little bit tighter. - [M Vicky ] Yes,
- Where does she think she's going? - She's gonna come along, honey.
- Are you kidding? - Nope,
Besides, it's waterproof. Oh, here we are, Mitch. All ready to go.
- But she can't come along! - [M Margaret ] Now, girls, don't be rude,
We decided that your father couldn't possibly leave Vicky alone for three whole days.
Well, let's get the show on the road, huh?
- You first. You'll want to sit beside Mitch, won't you? - If you don't mind?
My pleasure. The way things have worked out, I think you and Vicky ought to be there alone.
What are you saying?
Maggie, in or out. Come on, will ya?
- If you're not going, I-- - Now, Vicky, don't worry your pretty little head about me.
I'll just lie around the lake and soak up plenty of sun.
Besides, it'll give you a chance to get to know the girls.
You're going to have them for siX months out of the year.
- Bye, Vicky. Watch out for snakes. - Thanks a lot!
Bye, girls. Have a good time. Bye.
?? [ Whistling ]
- Oo-oh. - You all right?
Oh, I'm just dandy. Some fun.
- What's the matter? - Vicky's not used to this, honey. We'll rest a minute.
[ Sighs, Groans ]
Lake's not far now. Just about another hour's all.
Look, I'll put it on it. Yes?
- Gee, is it hot? - What of it?
Well, I just thought maybe you'd like some of my water.
Thanks a lot.
No, there's a thing on there! [M Screaming ]
- What is it? - It's only a little old tree lizard.
Look, Dad, it wouldn't hurt anybody. Look.
- Get that thing away from me! I hate it! - [ Laughing ]
Cut that out. [ Chuckles ] Honey, come on.
Oh, get that away from me. I hate them. They're just miserable.
[ Both Laughing ]
-Now, you two stay here and help Vicky, you understand? -Yeah, sure we'll help her, Dad.
Oh... sure you'll help me. Right over a cliff you'll help me.
What did we do?
Never you mind those angelic faces. I know viXen when I see 'em.
Just remember this, You start anything,
and I will make your lives just miserable for you later on.
You get me, pets?
See that? Cougar tracks.
- It's a form of mountain lion. - No kidding?
- Lions? - Oh, sure,
There are hundreds of'em up here, Ooh, they'll really mess you up,
They'll grab at your eyes. They'll eat ya, you know.
But there's a trick an old Indian guide showed me.
See? You hit two sticks like this and the noise frightens 'em and they won't eat you,
- [M Banging Sticks ] - Like that?
Yeah, that'll keep 'em away.
[M Banging Continues ]
- [ Both Laughing ] - Quick.
- Hey! - [ Gasps ]
- Enjoying yourself? - Perfectly wonderful time.
- [M Girls Shouting, Laughing ] - My feet are killing me.
Oh, why don't you go down and soak 'em in the lake. That'll cool 'em off.
- You think? - Why, sure. Go on.
I'll try anything.
Come on in! It's not deep.
- You sure? - Sure I'm sure. Look, I'm standing.
- [ Screams ] - Mitch, come on!
[ Both Laughing ]
[ Panting ]
Ah! Hecky, you really did yourself proud.
Thanks, Mitch. You sure you, uh, won't change your mind, miss?
I detest trout! How many times do I have to tell you?
I'll wait and eat in the morning. What are we having for breakfast?
We don't catch fish just to throw 'em away, We always eat off the trail up here,
- That's part of the fun. - Only part of the fun? Swell.
What do you do on Saturday nights? Go down and throw rocks in the lake?
You insisted on coming. The least you can do is make the best of it.
I was tricked into coming. She tricked me.
[ Chuckling ] She sure did, didn't she?
If you wanna go back, Hecky can always take you down.
Oh, why, sure, miss. I'd be happy to walk you down to the truck.
I'll stick it out, thanks.
Oh! What do they think I'm running, a free blood bank?
- I think they like this stuff. - What do you got?
Oh, mosquito repellant.
It doesn't even smell like anything.
[ Laughs ] For Pete's sake, that's nothing but sugar and water.
- What? - That'll bring every mosquito for 50 miles around.
Now, where'd you get that?
An old Indian scout gave it to me. Said it would keep the mosquitoes away.
Hecky, I think I'll have some more of that wonderful trout.
I'm turning in.
- Good night. - Good night.
- Good night, Vicky. - Good night, Vicky.
Honey, what are you doing with the sticks?
Well, what do you think I'm doing? I'm keeping the mountain lions away.
- Mountain lions? - Well, yeah, the noise--
- The noise doesn't frighten mountain lions away? - Not a bit.
?? [ Humming ''Let's Get Together'' ]
- Now,just why did you do that to Vicky? - Daddy, I swear that--
Never mind! It's a terrible thing to do,
Now, I don't want anymore of that from either of you, you understand?
- Both of you? - Yes, Daddy.
[ Loud Snoring ]
[ Snoring, Grumbles ]
[M Birds Twittering ]
[ Screams ] Oh, get me out of here! There are animals in here!
Let me out! [M Screaming ] Let me out of here!
Get them away from me! Get those wild animals out! Get 'em away! I hate 'em!
I hate them! Let me out! Get them away from me! [M Crying ]
I hate this place! I hate this filthy, stinking, dirty place!
What you yellin' about? They's just little bitty old bear cubs. They wouldn't hurt a fly.
You shut up and get me my boots!
Oh, I hate this place! This may be somebody's idea of fun, but it's not mine!
I hate the fish! I hate the lake! I hate the trees! I hate the filthy bugs!
What the heck are you doing to the food?
- I wanna go back to Central Park East! - What's happening?
You big overgrown jerk! It's not worth it.
Do you want your clothes, Vicky?
Thanks a heap. You, you're twins. Do you share everything?
- Everything. - Everything.
Well, you give your sister her half of this.
Hey, wait a minute. There's no cause for that. They didn't do anything to you.
You'll never know what they did to me, you big goon!
Get me outta this stinkin' fresh air!
- [M Sharon ] Mother, where are you? - Hi!
Oh. You're back early. Now, which one are you?
- Sharon. - Did you have a good time?
Oh, sensational! But... well, at least we did, but I don't think Vicky did.
- Well, what happened? - Hi, Mom.
- Well, hi. - How are you?
- Wonderful. Hello, there. - Good evening.
- Have you had your dinner? - Oh, we're not hungry.
Then you better go upstairs and have your baths. You both look filthy to me.
- Then we'll tell you about Vicky, but not while he's there, okay? - Shh. Okay.
So, you had a wonderful time. What happened?
Oh, now, don't you give me that with the big eyes, ''What happened?''
- You knew darn well what was gonna happen. - What happened?
All right, you name it and it happened. The whole thing was a shambles. Now you happy?
- Tsk-tsk-tsk. - It's the last time I'm gonna take a woman to the mountains.
Oh, uh, where's, um, uh, what's-her-name?
- Vicky? - Yeah,yeah, Vicky,
Yeah, yeah. Well, she took off like a pelican...
and she's probably at Park Avenue and 57 th Street by now, and good luck to her.
We've been talking...
and we feel that we owe you an apology.
Well, I mean, we feel sort of guilty about what we did to Vicky.
What did you do to her?
I guess you could say we submarined her.
Well, it's none of our business who you wanna marry, and we ruined it for you.
that's done with now, so we won't talk about it anymore,
We're really sorry, Dad. Will you forgive us?
Aw, go on to bed, you monsters.
What are you gonna do, huh?
-Do you want something to eat? -Well, uh, sure you got enough?
Oh, sure, I cooked enough for you and Susan for dinner tomorrow night,
Remember, Sharon and I are leaving in the morning.
- Oh, yeah, leaving. - Wash your hands.
Oh, yeah, I better.
?? [ Humming ]
?? [ Humming Stops ]
[ Clears Throat ] Where's Verbena, anyway?
I wasn't eXpecting you back, and it didn't make sense for her to stay around here just for me,
so I gave her the night off.
Say, you know, I-- I think I'll just go upstairs and wash up.
I'll be right back. I'll just be a minute.
I don't know what he saw in her. She had a horrid taste in clothes...
- and absolutely no personality at all. - [ Wolf Whistle ]
- Wow! - Where ya goin', to a party?
[ Chuckling ] That is none of your business.
Good night, ladies. Sleep tight.
????[M Waltz ]
- Hi. - Well! I thought you were just going to ''wash your hands''?
- Oh, well, I got started, I thought I might as well do a good job of it. - Shh.
- What? - Do you hear music?
Are those children looking at television when I told them to take a bath?
Oh, that's the hi-fi. I just snapped it on when I was coming downstairs.
I thought a little music would be nice with dinner.
Also, I thought a little red wine might be good with the stew, huh?
- Oh. [ Laughs ] - [ Laughs ]
To the mother of my children...
and the most beautiful mother any two kids ever had.
- Oh, Mitch, you can be the most eXasperating man. - What's the matter?
Waiting until we're here in the kitchen eating stew and-and me in my bare feet.
I like you in bare feet.
Well, it puts a woman at a disadvantage.
Good. Here's to your disadvantage.
Ha! [ Chuckles ]
????[M Continues ]
Here. Sit down and eat your stew.
- Yeah. - Don't spill it now.
- Oh, darn! - What's the matter?
Well, I've got a wet dishcloth on and I put some knots in it.
Open it for me.
Maggie, as long as everybody's, uh, apologizing,
I think maybe I better do mine too.
I mean, about the other night.
I didn't mean for it to sound like that.
I guess I'm not very good with the compliments, what, with growin' up out here with cows--
Oh, now, don't gimme that old ''growing up with the cows'' routine.
- You handed me that years ago. - I did not!
You certainly did!
[ Sniffles ] Well, it worked, didn't it?
- You liked it. - [ Chuckles ]
[ Sighs ]
- Ah, Maggie, you're so beautiful. - Oh.
No, I mean it. I know I don't say things like... you wanna hear 'em,
but I've been thinking a lot about you...
and us and the way things used to be,
- This might sound funny, but you know what I miss most of all? - Mitch.
You've got stew all over you.
- I don't care. - Go and wash it off.
What do you miss?
I don't care if it does sound silly,
I miss those wet stockings you used to have hanging around the bathroom.
And I miss my razor being dull because you used it to shave your legs with.
[ Low Gasp ]
And I miss the hairpins miXed up with the fishhooks in my tackle boX.
It's no fun having a clothes closet all to myself.
And it's no fun swearing because you're not around to...
make-believe you're shocked by it.
Well, nothing's any good without you, Maggie. I miss a lot of things.
I guess I just miss you.
Why did you take so long to tell me?
I don't know.
because I guess I was hoping that you'd come back sometime.
Oh, Maggie. I've been the prize chump of the world. We both have.
We're gonna grow up into a couple of old, lonely people...
if we don't do something about it.
- I know. - You don't want that, do you?
Oh, Mitch. It's been so long.
So very long. [ Crying ]
Are you crying? Listen.
You can slug me in the eye anytime you want?
Okay. [ Laughs ]
[ Gasping ]
- What's the matter? - Oh, my gosh!
I just had the craziest dream. Oh, my goodness!
- What is it? - You and I were marching along real slow,
sort of funny-like, in organdy dresses.
And there was music coming from someplace.
- ????[M''Wedding March''] - And there were flowers and people,
????[M''For Now, For Always'']
??For my love was meant for??
?? Was heaven sent??
P S 2004
P T U
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