Pauly Shore is Dead
[ Man ] I don't know what the fuck|happened. Things just got fucked up.
No one will fuckin' call me,|and I'm a big joke. And-And the critics--
Pauly, you don't know|what you're talking about.
You're great. People love you.|You have a following.
- Bio-Dome was a great movie.|- Did you see Jury Duty?
- No.|- Neither did anyone else.
Did you see Hot Shots.!?
[ sighs ]|God, I love that movie.
- Yeah, it was pretty good, wasn't it?|- Yeah.
My-My point is, Pauly, is that|we've all had our flops.
- Mm, some more than others.|- [ sighs ]
But...|it'll turn around.
Well, how'd you do it?
I didn't come up with|some weird animal noise. [ Chittering ]
- That's not the point, okay? It's--|- [ knocking ]
- [ sighs ]|- Uh--
Look, I gotta|get back to the set. Uh--
Is there a part|in there for me?
Charlie, is there a part|in your movie for me?
Look, I'll--|I'll talk to the director.
I'll see what I can do.|I'll-I'll tell him you're available.
I'll tell him you're available.
Not for long.
- [ Vacuum Cleaner Humming ]
- [ Murmuring, Indistinct ]
- [ Vacuum Cleaner Continues ]|- [ Continues Murmuring ]
[ Exhales ]|Okay.
- [ Vacuum Cleaner shuts Off]|- Pablo.
[ screaming ]
Topping the news this evening,|actor-comedian Pauly shore was found dead...
in a loft in his mother's|West Hollywood hills home.
- Pauly, best known as the Weasel,|started his career on MTV.|- [ Crying ]
- [ Man Sobbing ]|- He went on to star in such movies|as Encino Man...
- [ sobbing Loudly ]|-Jury Duty and son in Law.
Autopsy reports will be ready|in just a few days.
Many say he was a genius|who died before his time.
- ''Genius''? Genius of what?|- [ Laughs ]
We go to the streets now|to get the public's reaction.
You know, he tried|to sleep with me once... and tape it.
- Me too.|- Did you do it?
[ TV..People Wailing, Crying ]
Pauly shore,|dead at the age of 29.
The kid wasn't fuckin'|wired right.
Any fuckin'jackass|could've seen that.
[ Woman Reporter]|All of the community is mourning the death...
- My son! My son!|- of comedic genius Pauly shore.
- An erect penis--|- [ People Wailing, Chattering ]
that's what it would appear|to be underneath the sheet.
A strange turn of events--
[ Pauly Narrating ] I guess it's true|what they say when you die.
You're a lot more loved.|That's probably why I did it.
I was so sick of people|coming up to me every day...
and ask me|what my next movie was.
How was I supposed to explain to my fans|that my shit was tired...
and I had pigeon-holed myself|as the Weasel?
They don't understand|how Hollywood works.
Lenny Bruce,John Belushi|and Sam kinison all went down...
as comedic geniuses|who died before their time.
And now, me, Pauly Shore.
But before the media|blows it out of proportion--
before Access Hollywood|and Jerry springer get ahold of it--
let me tell you the truth|about how I got here.
[ Pauly Narrating ] I was born and raised|in Hollywood, California.
My dad's a comedian,|and my mom owns a comedy club.
And my mom didn't own|just any comedy club.
She owned the world-famous|Comedy Store...
on the Sunset Strip.
The Comedy Store's like|the Emerald City for comedians.
Everyone started out there.|Everyone.
I remember, one time, my mom|even had Sam kinison babysit for me.
[ screeching ]|Ohhhhh!
Yeah, thanks, Mom. I guess Charles Manson|was out of your price range.
The best part|about my mom, though--
she's been partying|her whole life.
Which was great for me, 'cause I was|the first baby born with the munchies.
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
- Dude, you forgot to flush.|- Dude, I'm flushin' now, man.
[ Pauly Narrating ]|Nah, my name's not the Weasel.
My name's|Paul Montgomery Shore-- P.M.S.
I was just like most kids.
I was in Little League.|I had braces. I even modeled.
I went to Beverly Hills High School.
And I wasn't on the football team.|I was in the dance company.
And after I graduated,|I took my acting very seriously.
And then it finally happened.|One night in the spring of'89...
-my manager got me an audition|for MTVat Mom's club.|-[ Audience Cheering ]
- And finally, I became the Weasel. Oh.!|- [ Cheering ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
Cool, buddy. Aw-ooh!
My MTVshow led to movies,|HBO specials, strippers and porno stars.
- [ Audience Cheering ]|- Hello!
Yeah, I was livin'|the American Dream.
And then, one day, my so-called|glamorous life came to a screeching halt.
[ screams ]
I got the most devastating|news ever.
No, not genital warts.|Worse.
I got a sitcom... on Fox.
After that, everything else|got kind ofblurry.
- [ TV..Man Grunts ]|- [ TV..Man #2 ] Pauly,|where'd you get all that cash?
- I found some loose change in the sofa.|- [ Canned Laughter ]
That is one of the perks about being your|best friend-- all that trickle-down cachet.
We have to hurry home, 'cause my dad's|got a big surprise waitin' for me.
All right, all right.
Wow. Check out those girls.|They're scopin' us out.
- [ Both Laugh ]|- [ Engine Revving ]
- [ Woman ] You must be Pauly.|- And you must be...
- my dad's big surprise.|- [ Canned Laughter]
- What?|- It's a good thing we're below sea level.
Oh! Honey, you gotta get in here.|You gotta see this shit.
This is the worst fuckin' show|I've ever seen.
- [ Boy ] Now, Dawn is Carol.|- Wait, wait, wait. I wanna beJan...
so I can sleep in the same room|with Marsha.
Marsha, Marsha, Marsha.|Why does she get everything?
[ Ululating ]
Oh, my God.|I hate this fucking country.
[ Woman ] I have bras|that work harder than you.
Yeah, well, your bras|may be workin'...
but it looks like your panties|took the day off.
- [ All Laughing ]|- Hey, yo!
This nigga Pauly|is fuckin' crazy, man!
You'd better watch it.|Your father listens to me. I have his ear.
That's not the only thing|you have of his.
You ever seen Pauly?|And then you see Pauly... on weed?
- [ All Laughing ]|- On weed? A lotta weed?
Oh, my God!
- [ Pauly ] Wow. That's a pretty nice rock.|- [ Woman ] Thanks.
It's a four-carat, emerald-cut,|blue-eyed diamond.
- [ Canned Laughter ]|- [ Laughing ]
[ Singsong ]|Yeah. My mom's was bigger.
- Oh! Oh! Oh!|- [ Camera shutter Clicking ]
- [ Laughing ]|- Well, that's it, you guys.
- [ sighing ] Oh.|- Well.
- speech! speech!|- speech?
- Yeah. Yeah.|- speech? Okay.
Oh, man.|Well, first of all--
[ Exhales ]|I wanna thank you guys for being here.
That means a lot to me.
I gotta thank my manager, Mitch,|and my agent, David...
for packaging this show.
I wanna thank|my girlfriend, Zoey...
for her patience and understanding|during my hectic work schedule.
- [ Kiss ]|- I love ya, princess.
- Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.|- Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.
I'd also like to thank|my best friend, kirk...
who was always there for me|when I was doubting the show's premise.
Playing a spoiled rich kid|from Brentwood.
I mean, how perfect|is that for me.
[ Pauly ]|To our new sitcom.!
- [ Pauly ] Whoo.!|- The last time I saw a steaming|piece of shit that big...
I was standin' outside the elephant|compound at the fuckin' zoo.
- Yeah.!|- [ sighs ]
I can't believe the network didn't pull it|after the first commercial break.
[ Gags ] I swear-- I swear I'm gonna puke.|You got some Tums or something?
I only have a few minutes left.|I'll meet you guys at the club.
We'll tell the doorman|you're coming.
- Don't be late.|- I won't.
I thought Pauly's show|was funny.
Oh, yeah. It was, um--|It was hysterical.
- Yeah.|- so, what's your name?
- Ashley. What's yours?|- Tom.
You're that creepy guy|from all those movies, huh?
- No. That's Michael Madsen.|- Oh.
so, uh,|how you gettin' home?
- My mom's picking me up.|- Your mom.
- Hmm. How about I take you home?|- Mm.
I don't know.
Come on.|I'll huff...
and I'll puff...
- and I'll-- [ Kissing ]|- Okay.
- God, that's lame.|- Yeah, of course I want my usual table.
What the hell is wrong with you peop--|Just hold it a sec.
Pauly, I gotta tell ya, that is the funniest|sitcom I have ever produced.
No, it'll run a decade.|Ten years easy.
I'll call you in the morning|when I find out what the ratings are.
Mitch. Mitch, wait.
I just wanna say|thanks for everything.
Listen, Pauly, everything we've worked|so hard at in the last eight years...
- is comin' together just as planned, buddy.|- Yeah. [ Chuckles ]
stinky, bud-dy. I know.
stinky piece of shit, bud-dy.
Goin' down the toilet, bud-dy.|The fuck that guy does.
I'll tell you what he does.
He exists.|He lives.
He could be incinerated by the heat|from a thousand suns--
it would be too good.
The second somebody put a fuckin'|microphone in his hand, and they said...
''Hey, it's okay to talk,'' that's|when the fuckin' trouble began.
If my mommy owned a comedy club,|I'd be on fuckin' top, too, motherfucker.
- [ Pauly ] Trevorina,you're the|architect to the stars, right?|- [ Woman ] Absolutely.
How long do these sitcoms|keep you workin' for?
What is it--|five, 1 0, 1 5 years?
- [ Phone Ringing ]|- How many episodes did the network order?
- six.|- [ Phone Continues Ringing ]
Wait. What are you doing?|Give me back my pen.
- six episodes?|-Just to start with. They're|gonna order more episodes.
- It's your manager.|- Hey. Hey, Mitch.
Pauly, you are not|gonna believe this.
- Are you sittin' down?|- Yeah.
- It was the lowest-rated show in Fox history.|- What?
Yeah. It didn't even|break the top 1 00.
What about people|in the middle of the country?
I don't know. They're pinheads.|I guess they're watchin' Springer reruns.
That's okay, that's okay.|'Cause it's the pilot episode.
It took seinfeld|a year to catch on.
Pauly, uh, brace yourself.|Are you braced?
- Yeah, I'm braced.|- They canceled your sitcom.
-Just like that?|- Hey, come on. Did you read the reviews?
- You told me not to.|- Entertainment Monthly gave it an ''F.''
They said, and I quote,|''sucks worse than gravity.''
So they're not even|gonna air episode two?
You've been preempted|by When Animals Attack.
- I could be attacked by animals.|- Hold it, Pauly.
I got another call.|I gotta take it.
- Maybe it's the network. I'll hold.|- As a matter of fact, it is.
- I got another show in the works with them.|- starring who?
I don't know.|It's my production deal.
How'd you get|your own production deal?
Well, you know, by, uh,|producing your show.
Look, Pauly,|I'll tell you what.
This afternoon,|I got some time, I'll call MTV.
I'll see if I can|get you back on.
Look, that's the last thing I'm gonna do|is go crawlin' back to MTV, okay?
- Gotta go.|- Don't you hang up on me!
-[ Dial Tone ]|-[ Pauly, Screaming ] Fuuuuck.!
[ David ] Listen, why don't we take|a drive to Santa Barbara...
grab some lunch,|clear the mind.
You might be a little shook up|by the news of the sitcom.
David, it has nothing|to do with the show, okay?
I just-- I just need to surround myself|with a new team. That's all.
I'm just a little choked-up.
- Pauly, are you sure you don't wanna rethink this?|- I already have.
Okay, then.|Good luck.
- Bye.|- [ Phone Beeps ]
Pauly fired us.
He finally fired us!
- [ All Cheering ]|- Pauly fired us!
Oh, yeah! Yeah!
Whoo!|[ Laughing ]
[ screaming ]
Fuck!|[ Groaning ]
Watch my head.
Yeah, well, fuck MTV!
You guys are the only reason why things|are fucked up for me now anyways.
[ Groans ]|I gotta go to VH1 .
[ Moans ]
[ Pauly Narrating ] So, with|the failed sitcom and no representation...
I wound up where all the other|out-of-work actors wind up in L.A.--
the Coffee Bean.
Or I like to call it--|the Unemployment Bean.
Or in my case,|the ''Has-Bean. '"
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
[ Zoey Chattering ]
[ Man ] Yes, sir.|That's good too.
- I like this one. It shows your--|- Zoey?
Forget what happened to me.|What the hell's goin' on here?
A couple of days ago,|I met sal Goldstein at the car wash...
and he's helping me pick out|the right head shot.
I'm also testing for Playboy.|Sal knows Hef.
I don't really know him.|I have a friend who knows someone...
who's been up to the mansion|a couple of times, and he met him once.
- Mm-hmm.|- What's your friend's name?
sal. Nice to meet you.|What's up, bud-dy?
[ Forced Chuckle ] Look, sweetie,|let's just get outta here.
Not now.|I'm in a business meeting.
- But I need you.|- We'll see each other later.
Hey. Pau--|Pauly Shore.
- Pauly.|- Fuck. What? What?
Um, I know-- This must|bother you people.
I don't mean to bother|you or anything, but--
I'm from Florida.|I'm in a band called Limp Bizkit.
Yeah? Yeah, what?
I was just thinkin',|I got a demo, and maybe--
What happened|to your face, man?
so, what do you want me to do|with your fuckin' demo? What?
If you like it, maybe listen to it|and pass it on to the people at MTV.
Is that what you thought? What do I have,|a fuckin' sign on my neck that says ''Loser.
I got nothin' goin' on.|My time is yours.'' Huh?
- Well, I--|- In fact-- What's your name?
- Fred.|- Fred, that's a really good name for a rock star.
What is it,|fuckin' Fred Flintsone?
- Nah. Uh-- Limp Bizkit.|- Limp Bizkit. Yeah, you guys|are really gonna go far.
What does that mean--|shriveled-up dick?
You know, man,|you're a dick.
We're gonna blow up|one of these days, bro...
and I ain't never|puttin' you in a video!
Who the fuck--|Fuck you!
- [ Crickets Chirping ]|- [ Dog Howling ]
[ Man On TV]|I believe he's upset.
Pauly is supposed to follow|Married... with Children.
- It says so right here.|- I know that, Bucky.
Then what's|this submoronic crap?
[ Man On TV]|I don't think he's happy.
Them goddamn|Hollywood know-it-alls.
Them numb-nuts wouldn't know|comic genius if it bit 'em in the ass.
When Animals Attack.|Hell, who wants to watch that shit?
If I wanted to watch that,|I'd throw a pork chop in the yard...
and watch the dogs go at it.
- Hell!|- [ TVShuts Off]
This is my darkest hour|of television viewing.
This is worse than|when they replaced Bo and Luke.
I need to laugh!|I need the Weasel!
[ Crying ] I need the Weasel,|and I need him now.
We could watch Son in Law...|again.
I want my Weasel,|and I want him now!
- Hey!|- [ Tires screeching ]
- [ sighs ]
Jesus Christ, Pauly!|How many times do I have to tell you?
slow down around|that fucking corner!
I'm sorry, man.|I forgot you're my neighbor.
Hey, Vern, let me|ask you a question.
Who takes a bigger shit, huh?|You or your dog?
Depends on who's seen|Bio-Dome last.
- [ Both Laughing ]|- I got ya! I got ya!
[ Mock Groan, Grunting ]
- so, hey, how you been?|- Good. Things couldn't be better.
Hey, you got the big opening comin'.|Austin Powers.
shagadelic, baby!|Oh, behave! Oh, behave!
Like I've never|heard that before.
- Hey, so is Mike pretty cool? Mike Myers.|- Yeah. He's an awesome guy.
- Yeah? He does a lot of movies?|- shitload.
You think there's|any parts in there for me?
Vern. Do you think there's|any parts in his movies for me?
I'll talk to him.|I'll see what I can do.
- [ Engine starts ]|- Come on. Hook up a boy. I'm your neighbor, bro.
- I'll see what I can do.|- Okay. sorry about the corner thing.
Don't worry about it.Just slow down|around those corners, speed Racer.
- Later.|- Come on, Butch.
so, how are you doing, Pauly?
Um, after reviewing|your money accounts...
and realizing that you're not making|as much as you used to...
I think it would be best|if you immediately sold your house.
[ Hyperventilating ] Oh, God!|I knew you were gonna say that.
I just knew it driving over here.|I knew you were gonna say that.
Jesus, Pauly, why didn't you|save your money?
- Why didn't you tell me to save my money?|- Listen.
My job at this firm|is to advise you in investments.
At the end of the day, it's your money|and you spend it how you want.
And you have spent it|like I have never seen before.
$5,000 a month|on ''young, shaved boys.''
- What? Huh?|- Oh, I'm sorry.
I've got Elton John's stuff|mixed in with yours.
But-- Yeah, here we go.
$3,000 a month|on swedish escorts.
At least I didn't spend|as much money as Elton.
You don't need|an accountant, Pauly.
What you need is help--|real help.
Now, I know of a sex rehab|in Arizona...
that you oughta|check yourself into.
I just got a six-month chip.
[ Woman Moaning In Sex ]|Oh.! Oh, shit.!
- [ Continues Moaning ]|- [ Phone Line Ringing ]
- [ Woman ] Hello?|- Hey.
- What are you doin'?|- What are you doin'?
- Watching you.|- [ Moaning ]
- Tell me what I like.|- [ sighs ] Not right now, Pauly.
- I'm doing my taxes.|- But I need you.
- All right.|- [ Video Continues ]
First, I'm gonna kiss|all over your stomach.
- Then we'll do reverse cowgirl.|Then I'm gonna suck your--|- [ Call Waiting Beeps ]
- W-Wait. Hello.|- [ Elderly Woman ] What are you doin', Pauly?
Hey, Mom.|I'm doin' my taxes.
You don't do your taxes.|Come on over.
Just hold on.
- [ Video Continues ]|- [ Gasps ] Quick. Quick, tell me what I like.
[ Mom ] Wimpy's hamburgers.|Matzo and eggs.
- Apple pie and raisins.|- Mom.
- Mom, please wait.|- Pineapple and bananas.
[ Gasping ]
[ sighing ]
[ Mom ]|Pauly. What's goin' on?
- Are you okay?|- Mom, I'm fine.
I'm fine, okay?
I need you to come over.|My head hurts.
- Fuck. I'll be over there in a sec.|- 'Cause I got a headache.
- I'm coming!|- Hurry up.
It's just kind of|a momentum thing.
Whatever the momentum is, it's not going|towards me. I don't have any momentum.
- Oranges! Oranges! Oranges!|- Chiclets! Chiclets!
- It'll swing the other way.|- Well, when's it gonna swing?
You just never know.
- You just gotta be ready for when it does swing.|- Right.
- Chiclets!|- Oranges.!
- Chiclets.!|- Rico suave oranges!
- Maybe we can hook up after dinner at the store.|- Oh, my God.
Orange-- Hey, b-b-baby.|Come here.
- Rico?|- Pauly! What's up, Weasel?
Hey, this is my son.|This is Junior, man.
- Chiclets!|-Just like his daddy, bro! What's up, man?
Nothin', man. How you been?|What have you been doin'?
- selling oranges. Buy some, man.|- Chiclets! Chiclets!
I was at the supermarket.|I just got a whole bunch of oranges.
- Hey, it was good seeing you.|- Hey, wait, wait, wait.! Where you goin; bro?
Pauly, come on, man. Not in front of my son.|Buy some oranges, bro.
- Chiclets! Chiclets!|- I don't have any fuckin' money, bro.
- Chiclets! Chiclets!|- I gotta get outta here.
- I gotta take care of my mom.|- Where do you think you're goin; fool?
You know what, Pauly?|Fuck you, Pauly!
Don't you fuckin'leave.! kiss my ass, man.|You ain't goin'nowhere.
- I got shit to do.|- [ Rico Shouting, Indistinct ]
- [ screams ]|-Jesus!
[ Pauly ]|Asshole!
Who is Rico suave, fool?|Who is Rico suave, homes? Me!
Motherfucker! Fuck him!|say, ''Fuck you, Pauly!''
I used to fuckin' hook him up all the time.|He can suck my ass.
Fuck him, man. Come on.|Let's sell some oranges.
- [ Beeps ]|- Hi, Pauly. It's your mom.
I really appreciate you|rubbing my head.
I really feel much better.
- I love you, honey. Bye.|- [ Beep ]
The only reason I ever|laughed at your jokes was to get pussy.
''But I need you.|But I need you.''
- Knock, knock.|- Who's there?
- Pauly.|- Pauly who?
- Exactly.|- [ Both Laughing ]
Your 1 5 minutes are up, Pauly.|It's over.
- Pauly, you're so pathetic.|- I want you dead.
- Freak.|- [ Zoey ] Tweet, tweet, tweet, tweet.
[ Overlapping Voices Echoing ]|Not now, Pauly.
- I'm in a business meeting.|- [ kirk ] I might kill you myself.
- Pauly, I'm in a business meeting.|- [ Moaning ]
[ screaming, Gasping ]
[ Panting ]
[ Clears Throat ]|I think-- I think I got everything.
Want another squeeze|before I go?
Oh. Yeah, yeah.
- Want a crack too?|- Mm-hmm.
- Here. Breathe in.|- [ Inhales ]
- Breathe out.|- [ Exhales ]
- [ sighs ]|- [ spine Cracks ]
You're all loaded up, brother.
- What the fuck is he still doin' here? Move.|- [ stammering ]
-Jesus Christ!|- Look--
- What the fuck happened to this place.!|- We called.
- He was supposed to be out of here a week ago.|- Well, he's not.
- What are you still doing here?|- I was just gettin' ready to leave.
Well, not till you clean|this shit up.
Hey, sweetie.|How are you?
- Trevorina?|- Oh, hi, Pauly.
When do we add|the two new floors to the house?
- You're adding two new floors?|- Yeah. Two whole new floors.
I've got a lot of trunks.|Listen, sorry about the sitcom.
I just got myself one.|Twenty-two on the air.
- Congratulations.|- Yeah, 22.
Actually, Mitch is the one|to congratulate.
He's my new manager, and he's the one|that got me the part.
Why don't you run along|to mommy's club, okay?
All right, guys, let's go.|In fact, fuck Mitch!
He's the one that said this place was nice.|It still fuckin' smells like Pauly.
Will you guys|please give me space.
- I can't believe Carrot Top livin' in my house.|- [ scoffing Laugh ]
I can't believe I'm movin' back home|with my mom.
- We had some good times at your mom's.|- Kirk, we were 1 2.
so, have you seen him?
- Kirk, have you seen him?|- Nah.
- Well, why?|- 'Cause I haven't seen him.
Well, when you gonna|see him next?
Kirk, when are you|gonna see him next?
Tomorrow. Tomorrow,|we're gonna have a drink...
and that's when|I'm gonna see him next.
When you see him, what|are you gonna say to him?
Pauly shore's a good friend. Can he come in|and read for a part in your movie?
- It'd be cool. Thanks.|-Just like that?
You gotta come from the heart, bro.|We're friends.
I will mention your name|first thing tomorrow when I see him.
I mean, it'll be fine.
It was on la-last night, and I was--|I was just flippin' channels, you know?
And I-- And I remember|seein' the ads for the newspaper...
when it was out in the theaters|and all that stuff, but I still couldn't--
Then the title was over it--|I didn't see the end credits.
It was like... Viral Boom.|You-You know, Baldwin's brother.
- Which Baldwin?|- Well, there's, like, six or something of them...
but the one who's kind of--
- He has these eyes, they're kind of-- He's like--|- Yeah, that--
- He's the other guy in it.|- That's the young one.
It's the other guy,|with the brown--
He's got kind of brown, curly hair.|He used to be on MTV.
He had the girls around|him all the time, and, eh--
Eeehh! He went all--|He always made noises.
He made noises?
I can't remember his name.|I have--
- I-I think Fisher Steven's available--|- There's a lot of guys available.
- He made me laugh.|- I make you laugh.
Pauly Shore.! Step right up,|meet Pauly Shore, former celebrity.
- [ Laughing ]|- You remember him from MTV.
Encino Man,|The Son in Law...
and all his many|television appearances.
Pauly Shore.|Now he works...
- parking cars in his mom's club.|- Parking cars in his mom's club!
Pauly shore!|Touch Pauly!
- Have a photo taken with Pauly.|- Oh! I want a picture!
-Just one dollar. Pauly sho--|- I want a photo.!
- Here you are.|- Look at this.
- Can I put my arm around you?|- Yeah.
- [ Shutter Clicks ]|- [ screams ]
- [ Laughing ]|- [ Laughing ]
- Loved you in that goofy movie!|- Yeah, it was great!
Come on, man.|You always used to love that bit.
Yeah.|But now it's true, man.
- It's no big deal.|- Give me my fuckin' dollar back.
What's wrong with him?
[ Pauly ] So this is my loft.|This is where I live. It's pretty cool.
- Wow.|- Check this place out.
Is this phat or what?|It's like my little love capsule in here.
It's where I make love.
Did anybody ever tell you...
you look just like|Richard simmons?
How about you give me|your, uh, Deal-A-Meal.
Uh, okay. Yeah.
[ Moaning, Kissing ]
- Uh-uh-uh-uh.|- What?
- Not till I get my money.|- Okay.
[ Chortling ]
- Eighty-three dollars?|- Oh, wait.
Got an extra dollar tonight.|Oh, yeah.
What do you expect me|to do for $84?
- Come here, and I'll show ya.|- No.
- Where's your phone?|- What-What's the problem?
The problem?|The problem is, I get paid 500.
- Didn't Heidi tell you that?|- Look, what's the big deal, man?
At least I'm not some old guy.|Wait, wait, wait.! Look.!
soft. I'm soft.|Come here, feel.
Come here. Feel.|Look, feel my butt.
It's soft, right?|see?
- Ooh, it is soft.|- I told you. I'm like the Coppertone baby.
Ooh. [ Laughs ]|Ooh, it is soft.
- Mmm! [ Yelps ]|- [ Both Laughing ]
Now do the grim reaper reach-around.|[ Moans ]
- The what?|- The grim reaper reach-around.
- It's when you reach around.|- Oh.
[ Moans ]|Ah.!
Ow! What the hell?
You wanted to know|what I do for $84.
I just did it.
- All I wanted to do was cuddle.|- You are pathetic!
[ Line Rings, Clicks ] Hi. You've reached|Jewel Denyle's residence.
I am out dancing this weekend.|If you'd like to see me feature,|I'll be at Tropical ''Lai. '"
And, um, Pauly,|if it's you calling...
- get a life.|- [ Beep ]
- [ sighs ]
- [ sighs ]
Who's there?|I said, ''Who's there?''
Uh! It's not|Howdy-fuckin'-Doody.
- Kinison?|- You got that right, you little bastard.
[ Laughing ]|Ohhhhh!
What the hell|are you doin' here?
I've been watching you,|checking you out.
And as your guardian angel, I've come to|the conclusion that you'd be better off...
if you had put a bullet|through your fuckin' head!
What are you saying,|I should just kill myself?
Let me say this|in a way you'll understand.
Take your life, bud-dy.|You understand that, you fuck?
Why should I do that?
You'll go down as a genius|who died before his time--like me or Belushi.
Which would you rather be,|a dead genius or a living idiot?
You idiot!|[ Laughing ]
- Dead genius.|- Exactly. Plus, the party's great up here.
''Up here''? What do you mean,|you're in heaven?
It's about who you know,|brother.
- [ Wheezing Laugh ]|- [ Pager Beeps ]
It's fuckin' Hendrix.|He wants his Pokemon cards back.
Hey, I gotta go, Weasel.|I'll talk to you later.
- see ya in hell-- heaven. Ohhhhh!|- [ Laughing ]
[ Laughing ]
[ Pauly Narrating ] Sam was right--|get out while I was still ahead...
end it all|while the iron was still hot.
The Wiez is dead...|and has been for a long time.
Now I must destroy him.
Unfortunately, there'll be|one person in my life...
who'll be devastated|with my loss.
[ Thinking ] ''Dear Mom, sorry it had|to end this way...
''but I couldn't handle|the pressures of Hollywood anymore.
''You did a great job raising me,|and it's not your fault.
''I just want to go|to a better place.
Please don't be sad.|Love, Pauly.''
- [ Gunshot ]|- [ Mom ] Pauly, keep it down.
I'm tryin'to get|some fucking sleep.
Hi. I'm Kurt Loder|with MTVNews.
Comic and actor Pauly shore,|known to fans as the Weasel...
died in Los Angeles today|of a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.
The news hit the entertainment world|like a big, tragic hurricane.
He was amazing,|you know?
He was amazing--|unlike any other comic.
Pauly was deep. He had, like,|layer, layer, layer, layer.
And that's something|I always look for, as an artist.
I look for another artist|that's got layers to them.
And Pauly was, you know--|He was bundled in layers.
Pauly was the first person|to bring me to the beach.
I never would've got Baywatch|if it wasn't for Pauly.
You know, he taught me|how to mouth-to-mouth resuscitate people...
and, um, use defibrillators,|things like that.
He did have good weed though.|I gotta tell you that.
Pauly shore|had fucking good weed.
I blazed with him|a couple of times.
I smoked his whole sack up, and then|I bounced with his girls and shit, but--
[ Laughing ]
At least he was good|for somethin'.
Matt Pinfield has been sampling reactions|to Pauly shore's suicide...
out in the American heartland--|not surprisingly, Pauly's biggest fan base.
Thanks, Kurt. I'm in Paducah, Kentucky,|at the trailer park home of--
- What is your name, sir?|- I'm Bucky McChristian.
- [ Dogs Barking Outside ]|- [ Voice Quavering ] I'm Pauly's number-one f-an.
How did the death of Pauly shore|affect you and your family today?
[ sniffling ] It's hard|to put into words, Matt.
Laughter is the music of the heart.
And once that joy's been taken away,|you're nothin' but an empty shell.
That's how I feel.
If you could pick one Pauly shore movie|to be your favorite...
- what would that one be?|- Man, that's hard.
[ All ]|Son in Law.!
[ Blabbering ]|Son in--Son in Law.!
That's the news for now.|stay tuned for more at 1 0 to the hour...
every hour, here on MTV.
- [ Man ] Cut.!|-Jesus! What a big deal they're makin' outta this.
- Do you believe it?|- The man was an icon.
Yeah, well, maybe we should|all shoot ourselves.
I can't believe|he's not here anymore.
Yeah, I understand,|Mrs. shore.
Nobody understands the pain a parent|goes through when they lose a child.
I tell you what we're gonna do.|We will put you in touch with Dr. kirby...
who is our after-care program|specialist--
- [ Continues, Indistinct ]|- Don't play it with me, honey. Don't cry it for me.
You raised the kid around|a bunch of drunk comics...
and now you're shocked|he took his fuckin' life?
save it, lady. save it for the fuckin' room upstairs,|not on the fuckin' big stage.
You know what I mean, lady?
[ Child Bawling ]
It's Pauly, isn't it?
Excuse me. You guys gonna be|putting long, or what?
- I mean--|- Come on.|Can't you see the kid is obviously crying?
Don't be so insensitive.
Hi, honey.|What's wrong?
My son's not taking|Pauly shore's death too well.
Your son's crying about that loser?|[ scoffs ]
Man, me and my friends|had a party the night that guy died.
What a fake bullshit that was.|All that-- ''Hey, buddy.'' [ Chittering ]
- That Weasel shit. That shit sucks, man.|- [ Bawling ]
When they see Jury Duty--|You saw it. That was a fuckin' piece of shit.
I mean,Jesus Christ,|give me a break.
- Take it back, pal.|- Take what back?
- Take it back, pal.!|- Take what back, old man?
Why don't you take you and|your little cryin'-ass kid to the next hole...
so me and my girl can play some golf up|in this motherfucker, right?
Come on, man. Let's play.|Let's play some golf.
- 'Cause I'm the Weasel!|- [ Crowd Cheering, Hooting ]
- [ Chattering ]|- [ Emcee ] Not bad, not bad.
Way to go, suzie.
I got her a little bit|of the moisture.
All right now. Contestant number two|is a roofer from Corona.
That's right, brother.
- stu. stu Blowser.|- [ Chattering ]
stu wants everyone to know|that he brought his lover here.
- No. My brother, dude. My brother.|- I mean, his brother here.
- Is that him?|- Do it for the family, bro!|Come on! Eye of the tiger!
All right, stu, get goin'|and do your thing.
This is a riot.|Oh, God.
Hey, what's up? Check out those cu--|Hey! Oh, wha--
Oh, fuck! Fuckers!|[ Groans ]
[ Disguising Voice ]|It was nice meetin' you. Okay.
This is where I'm gonna stay|if you need me.
Never seen me before.|[ Idiotic Laugh ]
What? Listen,|this is your fifth call.
The towels will be there.|Quit calling!
- What can I do for you?|- Hey, aren't you that--
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- What happened to your hair?|- I lost it.
- What can I do for you?|- I-I'm just lookin' for a room.
Obviously, dipshit.|[ scoffing ]
[ Growls ]|I'm sorry.
I've just been travelin' all day.
[ sighs ] Oh, man, I'm just|a little parched.
- All right, how long you stayin' with us?|- About a week.
Uh-huh.|Thirty-nine dollars a day.
- By the looks of you, I want you to pay me now.|- [ Yammering ]
All right, here you go.|[ Yammering ]
- [ Flipping Bills ]|- [ scoffing ]
Oh, 80-- $83.
- I've got an extra dollar. Here, here.|- Eighty-- Eighty-four dollars?
- What do you expect me to do for $84?|- [ Muttering ] Rub my ass.
- Excuse me?|- Uh, sassafras.
[ sniffing ]|sassafras. Mmm!
It's a nice fragrance|you have here, Kato.
[ singsong ] Here we go now.|I'm goin' to my room now.
Kato is bald.|[ Giggling ]
so you were all|Pauly's girlfriends?
I was. I don't know|about these bimbos.
- [ Audience Gasps ]|- shut up, you stupid bitch!
- [ Crowd Hoots ]|- Oh, God.
You know what, when he|was bangin' you whores...
he was thinkin' of me|the whole time, bitches.
- [ shouting, Indistinct ]|- Are you fuckin' hearing this shit?
I don't think so!|see these boobies?
- Pauly bought 'em for me.|- [ Hooting ]
- You know what? Pauly bought me mine also.|- Oh, I don't think so!
[ TV.. Jerry springer show ]
- Pauly got me pregnant.|- [ Audience Cheering ]
[ Laughing ]
- [ Women Yelling ]|- [ Chanting ] Pauly! Pauly! Pauly!
- [ Woman screaming ]|- [ Woman ] stupid bitch!
- [ sobbing ]
He was a genius|who died before his time.
Pauly was a comic genius.
News hit the entertainment world|like a big, tragic hurricane.
- He was amazing.
[ sobbing ]
- I've always been a Weasel believer.
[ Yammering ]
I did it! Hoo-hoo!|I did it!
[ Laughing ]
They'll freak out.
Paulywood!|What's up, bitch?
- Goddamn.|- [ People Laughing ]|- [ Chattering ]
[ Yelling, shouting, Indistinct ]
What's the holdup? Come on.|We don't have all day.
[ Camera Shutter Clicking ]
Look who it is.!|Tom Sizemore.!
No, you idiot.|It's Michael Madsen.
- What's the difference?|- six inches.
[ Chattering ]
Hey, wait.! Where you goin'?|You got the wrong girl.
- What's the difference?|- ?? [ Ends ]
[ Pauly Narrating ]|Can you believe I pulled this shit off?.
Things turned out|way better than I expected.
News anchors|calling me a comic genius?
Hot bitches fighting over me|on springer.
Dr. Dre tellin'everyone|he partied with me, bro. [ Laughing ]
Everyone's gonna want me back...
especially|my dumb-ass girlfriend, Zoey.
She was fuckin'the Spanish dude|from saved by the Bell.
And Carrot Top|movin'into my house?
I can't wait to beat your ass|at celebrity boxin;
- [ Monkey-Howling ]|- See ya in the ring, clown boy.
But the main thing is|is that my plan worked.
My plan really worked.|[ Laughing ]
Pauly Shore--|best actor of Tinseltown.
[ Laughing ]|See ya at the Academy, Rock.
'Cause you're a loser.!|[ Yammering ]
[ snickering ]
[ Chuckling ]
[ Murmuring ]|Oh, holy shit.
- so, why'd you do it?|- Huh?
- I know it's you.|- Wh-What?
I know it's you, Pauly.
- You do?|- Yeah, I do. so, why'd you do it?
Look, you wouldn't understand, okay?|You're just a kid.
- Really? Try me.|- You don't know what it's like|out there in the real world.
You're probably right, but what|gives you the right to mess|with people the way you did?
And what does that have to do|with me understanding?
Look, I just wanted to be|appreciated a little. That's all, okay?
And you think people are gonna|appreciate you now?
Well, yeah, look.|I'd say so, huh?
I'm on the cover of all these magazines.|I'd say I'm pretty much appreciated.
Not when they find out|that you're still alive.
- And how are they gonna do that?|- I'm gonna tell them.
- No, you're not.|- Watch me. Hey!
Hey, get the fuck off me, bitch!
You think people hated you before?|They're really gonna hate you now.!
- [ Yammering ] shit!|- Pauly's still alive!
- Get back!|- That fuckin'jerk is alive!
You son of a bitch!|Pauly shore! He's here!
Yeah, this is--|Get me, uh--
- Give me the fuckin'phone.!|- Pauly shore, he's--
- He's at the Charles Motel on|White Oak and Ventura Boulevard.|- Oh, shit!
Get the fuck back!
- Get off my counter!|- Damn it! [ Moans ]
[ Both Yelling, Grunting ]
Oh! You--|Come here! shit!
Come back here!|Come back, you little bitch!
You're over with, man!|shitty actor!
Whoo-hoo!|I'm gettin' paid!
Look at you. Quick.|Get in. Get in.
Will you please tell me|what the fuck is goin' on!
I'll tell you after you take me|to my mom's house.
- Pack my shit up.|- No. You tell me now.
Kirk! Get me to my mom's house|and get me there now!
Okay? I'll explain everything later.|I promise, okay?
Fuck.! The cops are here.!|The fuckin'cops are here.!
- What the fuck you laughin' at?|- What are you thinkin'?
I don't know what I'm thinkin'!|I'm all fucked up! Things are all fucked up now!
- That's Room 1 9. Go check it out.|- All right.
[ Both Whispering, Indistinct ]
- Hey, how ya doin'? Was that a little loud?|- Hi.
I know this is gonna sound|really weird and strange...
but, um, is Pauly shore here?
- Pauly who?|- shore.
The guy from Bio-Dome?|The funny-- The Weasel guy? He's dead.
No. I'm--|I'm all by myself here.
- I'm just, uh--|- Okay.
Actually, I'm here for a-a funeral.
- Oh.|- My mom, she-- she died the other day.
kinda got in a bus accident.
-sorry to hear that. If anything|comes up, give us a call.|-Oh, definitely. Yeah.
- [ Mouthing Words ]|- Yeah. Okay.
- sorry for the inconvenience, sir. Thanks.|- Nice meeting you.
- Have a good night.|- Good-bye. see ya.
- [ Packing ]|- Did you see that, Pauly? I was there for you.
- Yeah. It was a close call.|- Maybe you can put down the gun...
seein' that I'm for the team.
That was good.|You did a goodjob.
Just keep on packin'.|[ sighs ]
six-Adam-7 1 .|I need a backup here now!
Hey, Kirk, did you|get me that audition?
[ Exhales ] No. He-He cast it.|He thought you were dead.
Really? Who'd he get?
Hey, Kirk!|Who did he get?
Carrot Top.|He went with Carrot Top.
You know what? That's fine.
'Cause I never wanted to be|in a fuckin' sean Penn movie anyways!
- ?? [ Program Theme ]|- We have late-breaking news.
Actor-comedian Pauly shore|is not dead.
I repeat. Actor-comedian Pauly shore|is not dead.
We now go live to a motel deep in the Valley|where Tricia Miata is standing by...
with the manager of the motel--|Kato Kaelin.
- I knew it was him.|- so you're saying Pauly shore is|in one of your rooms right now.
- Yeah, that's what I'm saying.|- Who's Pauly shore?
- He's alive!|- Yes, he is! [ Grunting ]
- No, dipshit. Pauly.|- [ Whimpering ]
- Yeah, he's alive! The fuck,|he faked the whole thing.
He's sicker than before!|More fucked up than me!
What? Aw, fuck, no! He'll be bigger|than Downey. Bigger than Downey!
- Who's Pauly shore?|- [ Reporter On TV, Indistinct ]
Oh, yeah. He was on MTV|before I was born. Right.
- [ Police shouting, Indistinct ]
[ All Continue shouting ]
- [ Continue shouting ]
[ screaming ]
[ Flashbulbs Popping ]
- [ Yammering ]|- All right. so, you're beating me 4-to-1 .
- I-I'm gonna make it this time.|- [ Laughs ] Oh, Bucky.
[ Deejay ]|Hold the phone, folks.
[ shouting, Indistinct ]
strange news out of Hollywood.|Now they're tellin' us that Pauly shore is alive.
- shh! shh!|- They're sayin'he faked his death.
Some kind of sick joke.|I don't know what the heck he was thinkin;
- Pauly's not dead.|- Our ''Wiezing theJuice'"memorial|service has been canceled.
- Is this a joke?|- Do me a favor. If you see him,|kick his ass for me.
- Weasel done messed with|the wrong inbreeders now, man.|- Now back to more music.
- You mean, in-breeder!|- shut up and go to your room!
- [ Laughing ]|- Daddy. I'm in my room.
[ Woman, Children Laughing ]
shut up! What's everybody,|a fuckin' comedian?
- Get me a beer.|- Fine.
Hi. I'm Kurt Loder|with MTVNews.
MTV executives want|to apologize to viewers...
for airing|48 hours of Pauly shore.
To make it up to you, we're gonna have Metallica|go out and play in all of your backyards.
We go now to other entertainers to hear|their reactions to this unconscionable scam.
I did a movie with him.|I wish I hadn't done--
That was my last movie I did.|Okay? That almost killed me.
Why? 'Cause he|almost killed me on the set.
Every fucking day.
Before a take-- Right before a take,|you know what he would do?
Right-- ''Action!''|He would reach over...
reach his hand down my pants|and pop two fingers up my asshole.
What kind of sick shit|is that!
But I didn't really|''know him'' know him.
But he always had the nerve|to ask me for shit all over the place.
It just-- I felt like smackin' him around|a couple of times, but he's a little guy.
Pauly stole everybody's act.
He-He would steal the girls.|He'd steal the guys.
You should've seen what|he did to my goat, man.
For me, Pauly was, like,|a funny guy and whatever.
And he had his fans|and-and, you know--
And then it wasn't enough.|It wasn't enough for him.
He wanted more fans.|He wanted bigger and-- And that's sad.
And now the whole country's|supposed to fuckin' take it back?
No, Pauly. Fuck you!|stay dead!
That's the news for now. stay tuned|for more at 1 0 to the hour here on MTV.
[ Man ]|Cut.!
You know, that was actually|a genius move.
- I think that was kind of rude.|- Whatever.
I'm lookin' at his numbers|right now.
Pauly's appearance on Court TV|rated 20 times higher than his sitcom.
He was right. People do|wanna see him as a victim.
That's what he always told me.|I should've listened to him.
Oh, well. Oops.|Next.
[ Gunshots ]
[ Metal Door Slams ]
Pauly! No way!|No way, dude!
- Tommy?|- How are you, man?
- Hey, what's up?|- It's good to see you. Welcome.|You're one of us now.
I knew you'd be here eventually, man.
Don't worry. Everything's|gonna be cool, bro.
It's gonna be the best thing|that ever happened to you.
- Dude, I found Jesus in here.|- You did?
- Yeah.|- Well, where is he?
- [ Lilting ] I'm right here, Pauly.|- Aw!
Dude, look, we made a tape.
Tommy and Jesus.|Check it out later.
Great. I'll look at it.|Well, it's good seein' ya.
- Bye, bro. Take it easy, man.|- Okay, later.
Heidi! Heidi, this is the guy!
- The guy-- The guy that looks like|Richard Simmons.|- No.
- The guy that paid me $83, you fuck!|- Eighty-four.
- Hey, Heidi.|- Long time no see, Pauly.
That's why your career|got all fucked up.
- You're always cutting corners, you cheap-ass Jew.|- I was gonna pay you back.
Pauly, $500! I'm already|low-balling you, you fucker!
- Get me to my cell.|- [ Demonic Growl ]
- Get me to my cell!|- [ shouting, Indistinct ]
Jesus.! Who's gonna be next,|Todd Bridges?
Oh, great.|I get the white comedian devil.
Step on in.|Take the top bunk.
I don't want the devil|underneath me.
- Yeah, you bastard. Fuck you.|- [ Metal Door Slams ]
You shouldn't have|betrayed me, Weasel.
Listen, son, one of these days,|you'll understand.
When somebody|takes your manhood...
you go take it back.
Bucky, wait a minute now.|No, don't do this.
And you shut your mouth.
You know better|than to mess with a man's business.
All right then.|Well, you do what you have to.
You go out there and--|[ Coughs ]
- You shoot that Weasel right between the eyes!|- [ Laughs ]
[ Men Chattering ]
Oh, look, it's Pauly.|Can he sit with us?
- Can he? Can he? Can he sit with us, please?|- Of course he can.
Pauly. Pauly, come andjoin us.|[ Whimpers ]
- Hi.|- Hi. My name is Lawrence.
And this is my friend, Pepe.
And, of course, we know who you are,|you little Weasel.
[ Yammering, smacks Lips ]|Mmm!
- I loved Encino Man.|- It was so cute.
Any movie that buries an animal in a hole|and then digs it out...
makes me so happy.
Pepe's my ''Encino man.''
What's Brendan Fraser like?
- I loved him in Tarzan.|- That was George of theJungle.
- He was swinging from a vine.|- [ Laughter ]
Oh, please.|He'll be back. Mm-hmm.
[ Prison-yard Chatter ]
[ sighs ] Pauly, tell them something|they've seen you in.
I was in a Kid 'N Play movie.
House Party 1 or 2?
- It was called Class Act.|- Class Act.
I seen that.|Which one were you?
I was the guy in the third act.|Remember, at the antidrug rally?
I was pop-lockin'|on the main stage.
I was tearin' it up.|I was doin' this shit. [ Yammering ]
- No, shit? That was you?|- Oh, yeah!
- That was you? That was you, my nigga?|- Yeah.
- Hell, man.|- All right. Am I down now?
Yeah, you down with us.|You can roll with us, my nigga.
All right, okay.|I'm your nigger.
- What the fuck you call me, man?|- Nigger.
- What the fuck you say to me?|- I just said what you said to me.
You better take that ''er''|off the end of that shit!
That sound like that slave shit!|It's ''nigga,'' nigga!
- ''Nigga''?|- Nigga!
[ All shouting ]|Nigga! Nigga!
- All right.|- That shit's a-ight! That fo-sho! What's whackin'?
- Nigga!|- Yeah.! Yeah.!
- Yeah! Yeah!|- [ All shouting, Indistinct ]
- All right.|- Come on, nigga. Come up here and fuck with us.
All right. see, I'm down now.|My shit's tight. That's fo-sho!
so tell me about some of them fine-ass, white|Hollywood ho's you be doin' the movies with.
You were one of the best|movies of all time, loco.
Happy Gilmore was la bomba, bro!|[ Laughing ]
I wasn't in Happy Gilmore.|That was Adam sandler.
Oh. Which movies was you in?
I was in Jury Duty.
- That's the one with the little Chihuahua?|- Mm-hmm.
[ scoffing ]|That movie sucked, bro.
Adam sandler,|he's the bomb. Ha!
?? [ Comedic ]
- ?? [ Humming ]|- All right, all right.
- shit. shut up already.|- You remember that song?
I remember the fuckin' song.|You don't have to fuckin' sing it.
- I thought you were Adam sandler, man.|- I'm not fuckin' Adam sandler.
?? [ Comedic ]
[ Audience Cheering ]
Welcome back to T.R.L. It's Carson.|We're gonna move to the countdown in a second.
But first, on the phone,|the newly incarcerated Pauly shore. Pauly?
Yo,yo,yo, Carson.!|What's up? What's up,yo?
- You're lame. Everybody here's booing you.|- Are you serious?
- I went to your funeral.|- Okay, well, I'm alive, bro.|Aren't you happy about that?
Hold on, Pauly. Everybody was bawling.|It was serious.
- That's not cool at all, dude.|- I didn't think it was gonna be such a big deal.
What do you mean it's not a big deal?|You faked your death.
- so?|- I don't have time for this.
We have a new band|I'm gonna play you right now.
- They're called Limp Bizkit. We just got--|- Wow. Limp Bizkit.
That's my boy Fred|from Limp Bizkit.
- You know Fred from Limp Bizkit?|- Uh, yeah.
Yeah, right. We have Fred Durst,|the lead singer of Limp Bizkit, on the phone.
- No. Don't put him on.|- [ Fred On Phone ] I'm here.
- What's up, dude?|- Hey, what's happenin'?
- Welcome to the show, Fred.|- Pauly, shut up. We're talkin' to Pauly shore.
You're talkin'to Pauly Shore?|Pauly, can you hear me?
- Yo, what's up?|- Dude, you're a fuckin' punk!
You are a piece of crap, man.!
I gave you a C.D. to give to Carson.|You fuckin' smashed it!
When I see you, I'm gonna smash|your fuckin' head!
- [ Pauly, Fred Shouting, Indistinct ]|- I don't have time for this.
- You're a punk, bitch!|- Fuck you, man!
- Your band sucks, dude, and you suck.|- Fuck you, man! Fuck you!
- Fred, he's not--|- I'm gonna smack you right in your fuckin' head!
- 'Cause you're a loser.|- He's not worth our time.
I wanna talk about your band.|Congratulations on all the new-found success.
- Thanks, man.|- [ Raspberry ]
shut up, Pauly. Here's brand-new Limp Bizkit.|Check it out, by request.
- Fuckin' punk.|- [ Audience Cheering ]
[ Grunts ]
[ Aerosol Can Spraying ]
- Okay, Pauly. Geez, man.|- I don't want it to fucking smell up.
- Yeah, why don't you kill me with that too?|- All right.
- stinky bastard.|- What are you reading there?
- I'm reading the koran, man.|- [ scoffs ]
You gotta make that change, man.
Pauly, nobody wants to|see that old Weasel stuff. [ Chittering ]
It's all old, man,|and played out.
Robin Williams used to be on Mork and Mindy|going na-na-na, and he got an Oscar.
Tom Hanks used to be on|Bosom Buddies...
wearing a dress with lipstick,|and he got two back-to-back Oscars.
I can't believe I'm sitting in jail|taking career advice from Todd Bridges.
- Oh, and your career's better?|- Yeah.
- Really?|- Uh-huh.
When I get out of here,|I got two TV shows lined up.
- You do?|- Yep.
Is there any parts|in there for me?
Hey, Todd, is there any parts|in your TV shows for me?
No, Pauly. There are|no parts for you, man. sorry.
[ Toilet Flushes ]
You know,just because you're in here,|don't be taking it out on me.
I'm sorry, man. I just can't believe|I'm in jail, that's all.
- Well,you better start believing.|- What do you do in here?
You think about why you got in here|in the first place.
I mean, how did you|fake your death?
Oh. It was easy.
[ Pauly Narrating ]|Yeah. It was all pretty easy.
I told the L.A. coroner's office that I was|researching for a role in a movie...
on how to play a dead guy.
I then snuck into his office|and stole the keys to the building.
I searched in the obituary section|for my perfect match.
There it was.|David Levenson.
5'1 0'; brown hair, brown eyes.
I bought a gun,|sex mags and booze.
Then I scored some pills|from Corey Feldman.
So that night|I stole the body...
- dragged him up the stairs to my loft...|- [ Grunts ]
and dressed him|to look exactly like me.
- And, kaboom--|- [ Gunshot ]
the party was over.
Oh,yeah. Then I changed my identity.|Meet my alias, Ben.
Hi. How are ya?|Hi. My name is Ben.
[ Maniacal Laughter]
- [ Chuckles ]|- Why would you shoot the guy in the face, man?
- The guy was already dead.|- You are sick.
And you're my nigga, nigga,|nigga, nigga!
[ Howls ]|sha-gu, sha-gu, sha-gu.
Sha-gu.|What's up, bitch?
- What's wrong, Willis?|- You just don't get it, do you?
That's not it, Pauly.|You got two choices here.
Either you're going to learn|from your time in jail or not.
I mean,|it's your decision, man.
so what's it gonna be, Pauly?|You gonna change your past or not?
''Nigga, nigga, nigga.''
Jump him.Jump him.|Move it right there.
sam Rubin here with|the expose that has stunned...
- all of Tinseltown.|- You're on TV, man.
The fact that a performer who is as lowbrow|and sophomoric as Pauly shore...
tried to fake the public sympathies|by, well...
faking his own death,|is, frankly, disgusting.
This, friends, is a new low in the annals|of Hollywood Babylon...
and believe you me,|that is pretty low.
As I've stated time and time again,|Pauly Shore is a lowbrow buffoon.
- [ Inmate ] Look at that shit, man.|- This is Quinn Connor...
from Dickinson, North Dakota,|and I wanna send this out to Pauly.
I hope some dumb-ass convict|makes you his bitch, Pauly! Whoo!
- [ Switching Channels ]|- So Pauly gave each one of you...
- a sexually transmitted disease?|- [ TVAudience Moans ]
- Yes.|- Not only did he give me a yeast infection...
but I also have allergies...
which I did not have|before I slept with Pauly.
Thanks a lot,jerk!
[ Springer ]|What a bastard.
Pauly, if you're watching me|right now...
enjoy jail, bud-dy.
[ Yelling ]
- Jesus.|- I just don't want to see anybody get hurt.
Let me call you back, baby.
- Ah. Cold.|- Hey, man.
- You gotta pay for that.|- I'm sorry.
- How's this?|- Oh! Come on, dude! Man!
-Jesus, man. Come on!|-Just call the cops.
- What do you mean call the cops, man?|- Calm down.
If I call the cops, they're|gonna come get you. Take the money.
- I don't care, man.|- Be cool. Be cool, all right?
- You-You've never been robbed before, have you?|-Just put that gun down.
Call ''el copes.''|''El telephone.''
91 1 .
The cops--|[ stammering ]
I'll be outside.
- [ Clerk ] Lock that hick up.!|- Anything you say...
can and will be used against you|in a court of law.
- I know, Barney. I know, Andy. Let's roll.|- Get in.
[ Flashbulbs Popping ]
Whoa! Hey, hey, hey!|Deputy! suicide!
- Deputy, suicide!|- Number 4. Open 4.
You trippin', Pauly. What's wrong with you,|man? Get this dude out of here.
He's goin' crazy.|Tryin' to kill himself in my cell.
Why you put him in my cell?|Get him out ofhere, man.
[ Pauly Screaming ]|No.! No, please, no.!
Help.! No, I can't go.!|[ Screams ]
I don't wanna go!|[ Continues screaming ]
No! Ow! Assholes!
Pauly, it's Adam Sandler. You know,|the guy that keeps you up all night.
The guy that makes 20 mil a movie|when you can't get one made.
- Woo-hoo.!|- You know what? Fuck you, sandler.
- Fuck you! How 'bout that?|- [ Mocking ] ''Fuck you, Sandler.
Fuck you. '"|Aw, horseshit.!
You know, I don't get it. What's the difference|between me and you, bro?
Exactly. What is the difference?|There is no difference,you dumb ass.!
When I get out of here,|I'm gonna beat the shit out of you!
Well, I'll be waiting, Pauly.
Butjust remember, it's Billy Madison,|not Buddy Madison.
It'sThe Wedding singer,|not The Weasel singer.
You'll always be the Weasel.|You'll always be the Weasel.
- [ Fake Crying ]|- [ Crying ]
[ Chuckles ]|Jesus Christ.
What the fuck|happened to you?
You tell me what happened to me, okay?|This is your fault.
You're the one|who told me to kill myself.
Yeah, you know what?|You're right. I said kill yourself.
Not fake your death,|you fucking moron.
God, look at you. I was just kidding.|[ Laughs ]
- I didn't think you'd do it.|- so now what am I supposed to do?
You tell me. Do you wanna live,|or do you wanna die?
- I don't know.|- Come on. I don't have all fucking day.
Let's go, you little bastard!|Oh-Ohh!
- [ Crying ] I wanna live.|- I can't hear you.
I said I wanna live, sam, okay?|I wanna fuckin' live, all right?
- As Pauly or as the Weasel?|- As the Weasel.
No,you dumbshit.|As Pauly.
But everybody knows me|as the Weasel.
Who gives a fuck what everybody knows|you as? That's their problem.
You gotta start showing people the guy|that your friends and your family know.
The guy that used to cook me burgers at|the Comedy store in Westwood. That guy.
The Weasel's just a defense mechanism|to keep the whole world at arm's length.
- Like your scream?|- Yeah. Like my scream.
But enough about me.|Listen, this is what you gotta do.
starting tomorrow,|you're going to learn how to act.
[ Chuckles ]|You're joking?
You're gonna be one of the best actors|that Hollywood's ever seen.
[ sniffling ]|What?
Look, you've seen the dark side.|You've felt the pain.
Welcome to the real world.|I already talked to all your friends.
They're gonna help you.|Todd, Lawrence, Pepe-- all of'em.
-[ Beeping ]|- Oop. Wait a second.
Aw, shit, it's Marilyn.|she wants her dildo back.
[ Laughing ] I'll always be|watching out for you, Pauly.
I'll always be looking out for you.|Take care.
- [ Door Bangs Shut ]|- [ Crying ]
[ Indistinct ]
shakespeare. shakespeare.|[ Indistinct ]
[ No Audible Dialogue ]
This way, Pauly.|?? [ Vocalizing ]
Come on. You can do it.|You can do it.
Come on, man!
[ Reading, Indistinct ]
No, no, no. ''O Hamlet,|our dear brother's death''!
[ Reading, Indistinct ]
- Make it stop!|- [ Continues ]
- Oh, God. Not that. Up here.|- Okay. Okay. Okay.
?? [ Vocalizing ]
[ Reading, Indistinct ]
I mean, it's getting better, right?|Yeah, okay.
''We should know the way.''
Oh, I can't believe it!|Bravo!
There you go.|Now you're getting it, man.
There you go now.
[ Inmate ]|There you go.
[ In spanish ]
[ Clears Throat ]
Thank you.|Thank you, guys.
[ Cheering ]
[ Thinking ] I can't believe I did it.|I'm back on top once again.
Only this time,|it's within.
You know it's weird how|sometimes a bad thing in life...
can actually turn out|to be a good thing.
All the world's a stage|and men and women are merely players.
And one man in his time|plays many parts.
At first, the infant.|Then the whining schoolboy.
- Then the lover.|- I'm gonna kill you, Weasel!
[ screams ]|shit! Fuck!
I drove all the way|from Kentucky for this moment.
- What's your name?|- Bucky.
- Bucky?|- I'm your number one fan, man! Or I-- Or I was.
What do you want?|An autograph? A head shot? What?
Oh, yeah. Yeah.|An autograph would be real nice.
- I'll have it written in your blood.|- [ Whimpering ]
I have watched Son in Law|27 0 times.
Watched all your MTV specials.
Hell, I even sat through|Phantom of the Mall.
- You did?|- And I liked it.
[ Whimpers ] Well, if you like me so much,|why are you trying to kill me?
'Cause you humiliated me, man.
- You fucked with me.|- [ Quietly ] I'm sorry.
When I heard that you|was dead...
it's like my whole world|had been torn away from me.
But then I find out it's all|a joke. All a big, funny, fuckin' ha-ha.
Well, I didn't find it too funny. What's all|this shakespeare shit you was doing?
You ain't an actor.|You're the Weasel.
They weren't going to do|Encino Man 2.
No studio was going to|finance son in Law: The sequel.
What are you saying to me?
You-You tellin' me|the Weasel wasn't real?
It's all just a big money-makin' scheme|to some corporation.
It's just like Ronald McDonald.
You mean Ronald McDonald|ain't really a clown?
- No.|- Well, I'm gonna have to kill|that motherfucker too.
[ screams ]
The Wiez couldn't keep the ratings up|on the Fox show.
That's because you weren't|the Wiez!
You was some spoiled rich kid from Brentwood,|and that shit ain't funny!
- Hell, I even know that.|- Please, don't kill me! Please!
[ Crying ]|Please, don't kill me.
I'm just--|I'm just Pauly.!
[ Panting ]
It's okay. It's okay.
- I could never hurt you, man.|- [ Breathing Heavily ]
Ronald McDonald's|another fucking story.
I'll just have to|watch Son in Law... again.
thanks for caring.
And thanks for being|my number one fan.
Make the noise.|Just one more time, please.
I wanna act. Okay?
Oh, one more thing.
No wiezin' the ju-uice.
- What movie's that from?|- Encino Man.
- say hi toJudge Ito.|- [ Chuckles ] Jury Duty.
- Ca-razy, boys.|- In the Army Now.
- stub and Doyle! stub and Doyle!|- Bio-Dome.! Bio-Dome.!
- Inbreeders.|- [ Whoops ] Son in Law.!
- Son in Law.|- [ Whoops ]
- [ Chittering ]|- [ Chittering ]
You did that just for me.
[ softly ]|Thank you.
I feel like the last person|that ever heard Elvis sing.
[ Distant Gunshots ]
- Well, I think I got everything.|- Yep.
Richard Gere can have Tibet.|Alanis can have India.
But guys like you, me,|Tommy and Downey...
we found ourselves|right here in L.A. County, man.
- Right. I think Downey should try|one of those foreign places.|- Yeah.
I just wanna tell you, Todd,|that I realized a lot of things here in jail.
Number one, the Weasel|will always be part of me...
just like Willis will always be|a part of you.
And number two, all the girls|that I had sex with...
they didn't want to have sex|with Paul Montgomery shore...
the littleJewish boy|from Beverly Hills.
They wanted to fuck|the Weasel.
Anyways,|thanks for everything, man.
Yeah, but remember, that was your choice.|Hey, next time you see sam...
you tell him to tell Redd Fox|to come see me again, okay?
- Why?|- Well, that's my guardian angel.
- Well, here. Then take him.|- Hey. Thanks, Pauly.
- All right, bro.|- All right. Take care, man.
- Take care.|- Bye.
Always lockin' a brother up.
[ Pauly Narrating ] I also realized|that Hollywood isn't such a bad place.
In fact, it's probably one of the most|beautiful places in the whole world.
People come out here from all over the world|to try and get into show business.
Notjust because they love|to sing, dance, act or direct.
Everyone wants to be accepted.
In other words,|we all just wanna be loved.
Ashley, come on.|Goddamn it.
- What?|- Pauly's getting out of prison. We're his ride.
- We gotta go. Let's go.|- Oh, yeah.
Let's go.|she's fuckin' retarded.
But she's pretty.
Pauly Shore is a free man.|Hi, everybody, I'm Nancy O'Dell.
Hi, Nancy. Hi, folks. I'm Pat O'Brien,|and let's get right to work...
with the story gripping Hollywood.
Actor-comedian Pauly shore|is out of jail.
Oh, shit. Is that my nigga?|Did he get out?
Yeah, that's him. That's him. Look at Pauly!|That's Pauly shore!
- They let that nigga out of jail.|- That's what I'm talking about.
Every network, every studio head|wants a piece of Pauly.
But guess what?|Access Hollywood's got him.
- That's my nigga right there.|Fresh out without a doubt.|- Look at him.
- Walking like a king.|- You can't keep a real nigga down.
- You know what I'm saying?|- Fuck Downey and his motherfuckin'ass.
- You son of a bitch.|- That's what I'm talking about.
But was this a case|of art imitating life...
or Pauly shore|imitating some pretty bad art?
You see, shore was|more popular dead than alive.
since his simulated suicide,|it seems everybody wanted a piece of Pauly.
The question remains: Is shore|a shrewd shyster or a genuine genius?
see, the thing about|Pauly shore is he's a genius.
The guy was always one step ahead of Hollywood.|I mean, look at Meet the Parents.
It's a blatant rip off of|Son in Law.
The guy just never got his due,|'cause, uh, he was too good.
You know what I mean?|Now everybody sees that.
Quit calling. What?
speech! speech!|Come on. Go.
see what I did for you?
[ Indistinct ]
It was because|you weren't the Wiez!
It's a--|I'd say it's a can't miss.
- Okay. You got it?|- Yeah, man. I just wanna say thanks.
- Don't touch me.|- No, that was great. I just wanna say thanks.
Don't touch me.|Give me the pictures.
- The negatives in here?|- They're in there.
Good. 'Cause if I see these things showing up|anywhere, your ass is fuckin' grass.
- Okay. I just wanna say--|- Get off of me.
Oh, man. What's he get so mad about?|That's the way the business is.
Last one there, and now...
I can start working on the sequel.|[ Snickers ]
Hey. We're about to order,|uh, fuck. Trevorina.
And, uh-- And--|Trevorina.
- And action, nigger.|- [ Laughing ]
- I was trying to get you.|- I remember something|the late Robin Williams said.
- Pauly who?|- Pauly shore needed to die.
I know a lot of people|said that.
Thanksgiving, he didn't eat|any of the turkey.
He had about 1 5 ''E'' tablets|up his asshole.
''Happy Thanksgiving, everybody!''
is what he said as he popped|the last one in.
It's like-- It's like|the snoop Dogg song.
It's like this and like that|and like this, and, uh, you know.
I mean, that's what|I think of when I think of Pauly.
I've been selling oranges, homes.|[ Laughing ]
Dude, fuck rehab, bro.|The only way to hit the-- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.|- Dude, fuck rehab!
- The only way to the top is-- Oh!|- [ screams ]
Cool man. Before we go, here's|a demo of our band, staind.
- I stuttered. We'll do it again.|- I thought this was a fuckin' Eminem interview.
Laurie, what you|got me doing here?
[ Woman ] Drop the soap! We'll meet|in the showers. I'll slit your throat, fucker.
stop. There's a lot|of talking going on.
This is the ad-lib,|or not the ad-lib--
This is when he says,|uh, at the end of the killing-me scene...
says, uh, um--|What does he say?
- It's a wild track for the prison scene.|- Right.
Hey, Pauly.|Tom Sizemore.
Thanks for the-the|sweet message.
I had an incredibly good time|that day. You're a natural-born director.
You really are, and thanks|for involving me. Okay?
And when it comes time to do press,|if you need me to say some kind things...
don't hesitate to ask me to do anything|to help your movie, okay?
- I mean that.|- [ Beeps ]
[ Sam kinison ] We love you, Hollywood.|Thank you for coming out tonight.!
[ Crowd Cheering, Applauding ]
[ Together] Whoo-hoo!|Yeah. Congratulations on the movie, Vern.
- Thanks.|- Whoo-hoo! Cheers.
- Don't you think we should go get Pauly?|- Fuck him.
There's not enough of|you girls to go around.
- Yeah, we got you, Vern.|- Yeah, baby.
Knock it off|with the pinky shit.
Where's Duke? Duke.|Come here, Duke.
[ Woman ]|Whoo-hoo.!
P S 2004
P T U
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