Peep Show 1x2
(Mark) 'I wonder what kind of socks Sophie wears.
'Do women wear socks? Well, yes, sometimes is the answer to that.
'Socks before or after trousers, but never socks before pants - that's the rule.
'Makes a man look scary, like a chicken.'
- (Jez whistling) - 'He just does not give one solitary shit.'
(Jez) 'Yeah, take that, big Suze.
'Your toilet-seat regime is over.
'Ah, freedom! '
(Mark) 'Brown for first course, white for pudding.
'Brown is savoury, white's the treat. (Chuckling)'
'I'm the one who's laughing because I love brown toast.'
(Jez groaning) 'There he is.'
- Dr J! - Good morning, Mark.
Sorry I didn't hook up with you and Super Hans...
- (Jez) 'Wedge of ballast, then bed again.' - Barbara pops up. "Is the file ready?"
'It's a bit like the crusher in Star Wars but red hot.
'What if Mum and Dad were trapped in one
'and I had a hook to rescue one of them - who would I pick? '
I didn't get a chance to tell you the good news.
We need a clerical assistant and I've swung you an interview.
- Uh-huh. - 'Clerical assistant?
'I can't be a clerical assistant. I'm a musician.
'You wouldn't ask the Chemical Brothers to do your laundry.'
So is tomorrow at 11 all right?
Tomorrow at 11. Yeah, sure. I'll set the video.
- 'Don't joke.' - 'I'm not.'
It's a damn good company and it'll be the two of us together -
Jez and Mez, the El Dude Brothers.
It's just the music. It's really starting to hot up.
You know how much I respect your music. It's just...
Super Hans got a bass loop for our track that is so good
that when he tried turning it off, he physically couldn't do it.
I'm on your side. Every artist needs his patron
but, you know, there's a limit.
Oh. The rent.
I'm not some kind of land baron trying to milk his cash cow.
- It's just... - Don't worry, you'll get your milk.
- This track's a banker. - (? TV: Somethin' Stupid)
- Everybody needs a Somethin' Stupid. - Sorry?
The guy who wrote that,
he's probably up to his neck in penny loafers and blue pool tables.
- Right. - Blimey, what's God up to?
- 'So let's do just a... ' - Just in case the song doesn't work out,
maybe you'd better fill this out and fax it over by three.
Think about it. And have a great day. Yeah?
- See you tonight. - Yeah, cool. Have a good one.
- You, too, mate. - Bye, mate.
(Mark) 'Work-shy freeloader.'
(Jez) 'Tight-fisted cock-muncher.'
'Next time I have breakfast, he'll make me sit a fucking exam.'
(Mark) 'I wonder what Sophie's flirty cartoon will be today? '
- 'I really should ask her out for lunch.' - Can you hold that?
Thanks(!) Third floor?
'I mean, what's the worst that could happen? She could say no.'
'Actually, that would be terrible. It would destroy me if she said no.'
There is a notice about only riding the lift to the first floor.
You're wasting mine and other people's time, not to mention...
Oh. Er, OK.
'People like him should wear stickers. Their cars have them.
'Oh, yeah. Great idea, Adolf.'
- Morning, Mark. - Hey, Sophie.
- 'Go on, ask her! ' - Sophie, are you...?
I mean, would...?
How's your day going thus far? Have a nice shower or bath?
- Why? Do I smell? - God, no, you don't.
I mean, you smell nice - not that I've smelt you.
Oh... See ya.
'Oh, potater. What have I become? '
(Jez) 'Super Hans said he'll be here in 20 minutes. Means I've got an hour.
'I bet Mark's got some porn here somewhere.'
(Mark) 'OK, where's today's cartoon? '
'Mm, not bad.
'No discernible romantic overtones.
'OK, pen, let's flirt with Sophie... '
(Jez) 'Mark's got no conception. He thinks I'm so...
'But I'm busting my creative balls here, day in, day out.
'No, but it's all, "Where's the money? Where's my rent?
"'The rent, Mr Jim Morrison? Mr Keats?"
"'No, you don't like the attack dog, do you, Mr Keats?"
'Hold on... I think I've struck the motherload! '
(Mark) 'What the hell is that?
'That is very gay. That's what that is.
'Come on, go crazy! You're hungry like the wolf.'
(Jez) "'Fantasy Figure Modeller."
'Jesus. Maybe this is his porn.'
(Mark) 'I'm giving her a love heart.
'Yes, that's... good.
'No, no, it's not good. It's terrible.
'Think "crazy horse", think "in your face". What would Jeremy do?
(Chuckling) 'Yeah, that's it.
'Loves the Nazis. Yeah, crazy love.
'Nazi love. I'm a nutter! '
(Jez) 'I'm a dirty hobbit and she's a sexy elf
'so she might be...
"'Ohh! You dirty hobbit. Take off my bodkin and my jerkin."
'But that sword. What if she was a hobbit slayer?
'I'd just use my enchanted amulet.
'Yeah. Yield to me, hobbit-slayer.
'You will touch my magic cock.'
(Mark) '? And then I go and seal the deal
'? By doing something wicked like this cartoon?
'It's bloody mental.'
(? Dirty jungle riff)
(? Riff screaming?)
- So what do you think? - I dunno.
- Yeah, it's zzzhhhh! In your face. - It's just...
- (Music off) - I don't like it.
No, well, I do.
- I just don't. - Oh, right. This is it, is it?
- The end of the Hair Blair Bunch. - We are not the Hair Blair Bunch.
- Whatever. Spunk Bubble. - Momma's Kumquat.
No, it's not. I never agreed to it being Momma's Kumquat.
Look, if this is John and Paul, 1970, then I need money for the equipment.
This is like your whole Balearic bullshit, innit?
One minute, it's all, "I love ya, man," the next, it's, "Where's that 50 quid?"
- I'm just saying I need money... - Listen, mate.
Shit is as shit does, my friend.
Look, this is bullshit. We can't just let the Hair Blair Bunch go.
We are not the Hair Blair Bunch!
(Mark) 'A bloody swastika. That is the single worst single bloody idea ever.
'I mean, a swastika!
'It's gone. It's happened.
'Oh, yeah, do what Jeremy would do. Thanks, Jeremy. You tit.'
(Jez) 'Yeah, perfect plan. "I want to fax this off. Oh, Toni, I feel tired."
"'Let's just both lie down on your bed."
'Hope she gets out the bong, not the cafetiere.'
I was wondering. You're an urban, switched-on lady.
You've probably got a fax machine, right?
A fax machine? Right, like I'd have a fax machine.
Have you just come from the 1980s?
It's like The Spaceman And King Arthur, but in reverse.
Yeah. I've just got this crappy job application.
Tell me something, Jeremy.
Have you ever tried washing up without using washing-up liquid?
What? Has Mark been talking to you?
Could you clean a pot or a pan without using a scrubbing brush,
a sponge or a scouring pad?
- I don't think so. - So what you're saying is
these products are essential - products no one could do without?
Well, you're kind of making me say that but...
The first thing to say is that this is definitely not pyramid selling, OK?
What's pyramid selling?
(Mark) 'Enter the pit of Sarlak, little crisps.
'She's ignoring me.
'Of course, she's ignoring me. I sent her a swastika.
'Jesus! This is the worst thing to happen to anyone ever and...
'Relax, Mark. You're not Hitler in his bunker.
'He was really under the cosh.
'Mind you, at least he had a girlfriend. OK, enough mooning.
'Let's strap on the nosebag and eat some serious work.'
I mean, does that look like a pyramid to you?
Clearly, it's not a pyramid. It's a pie.
And... it's like a big, lovely club with free money for everyone?
- It sounds great, but... - Free money for everyone.
Ha! Look out the window. That'll never happen in this old world.
No, see, the early birds
are going to find their bird table covered in money pie.
- Right... - But the Johnny and Sally Come-Latelys,
they get a slice of the pie but then they look closer
and - oh, dear - it's only pastry.
Boo-hoo, Johnny and Sally.
Are you with me?
(Mark) 'BIown it with Sophie. Who's next?
'Never met her. Not necessarily a disadvantage.
'Why don't I ever get this fucking thing fixed?!
'Every night... Ah, it always comes out eventually. Fuck it.'
- Hey, Mark. Liked the cartoon. - Oh, I'm so... You did?
Yeah, it's meant to be me and Barbara from Personnel, right?
And... she's handing me this heart of holiday pay
but in the heart, it's just...
- Race hate? - Exactly.
That's so Barbara. She's such a racist.
Huh, huh. Right. Exactly.
Listen, Sophie, I was wondering if I could get your home number.
I mean, for work, in case I need to swap a shift or... That is, if you don't...
No, I don't, if that's what you want.
'She's actually writing it.'
There you go. See you later.
Oh, hang on. This isn't enough numbers.
Oh, no, it is enough numbers.
'Oh, God, I hope she doesn't mind about my balls.'
'One step out of line. The slightest hint of maverick behaviour and you're out.'
Exactly. If it's such a bad thing to do things by the book, there'd be no book.
(Mark) 'Must keep an eye on him if he gets it. JLB doesn't need a maverick.'
- So anyway, things went rather well - - I bet he did it.
Oh, what? Just because he's black?
No, I mean, not because...
- He was at the garage at the beginning. - I know what you meant.
Anyway, in the end, I got Sophie's number.
We know he's the only one with the key to the lock-up.
So do you think I should give her a call? I probably should.
- I don't know if I should. - Maybe you should.
OK, listen, if God's doing mountains or sky or water, I'll call.
- If he's doing trees or critters, I won't. - All right, let God decide. Ready?
Right, here goes.
(God) 'And with a large brush, I'm gonna... '
(Police show) 'The following names were presented to us by temping agencies.'
- Answerphone. - Ah, you see!
He did do it, but for a nice reason.
Who's the racist now, Mark?
Er, Sophie. If you heard that, please ignore it. I'm not a racist.
Far from it.
It's good to hear your voice. I know it's only a recording
but you have got a bloody nice voice
and... (Laughs lamely)
God, I just called up to say hi and then...
? Then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like...
? I like you?
I mean, not that.
I noticed that the paper in the photocopier is running a bit low so...
I know it's not really your job but...
You know, so... See you tomorrow.
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Oh, fuck! - Oh, my God.
- Jesus! - I've really fucked it. Have I fucked it?
Maybe it was charming.
- It was the behaviour of an oddball. - No, not an oddball. A maverick.
You may not play by the rules, but...
by Christ, you get results.
Come on, let's go and have a drink. Forget about it.
Have you forgotten about the phone call yet?
- No. - Right.
How much washing-up do you think you could do without washing-up liquid?
- I'm sorry? - Exactly. And friends and colleagues?
Everyone needs cleaning products
and that's never gonna change, right?
- Why are you talking like this? - Very interesting question.
The first thing to say is that this is not pyramid selling.
- You're doing pyramid selling? - Not pyramid selling.
- I can't believe you're pyramid selling. - Listen, it's not, it's network marketing
and it's a guaranteed money-making...
- I've seen the charts. - Oh, the charts.
- You didn't tell me about the charts! - Are you trying to piss on my bonfire?
I'm trying to protect you from...
pissing all over yourself.
I'm not about to piss all over myself. I'm...
I'm pissing... into the big time.
- You're still coming to the interview. - Well, I thought...
Listen, Jeremy. You don't understand. Nothing you want will ever happen.
That's the real world. Your hair isn't red. People don't walk on stilts.
Maybe somewhere, you can earn a living drinking margaritas through a straw
but in this world, you've got to turn up, log on and grind out.
But if you get in early...
Come Friday, you will owe me three months' rent.
You're coming to the interview.
(Jez) 'I'll come to the interview, all right, but I won't be getting the job.'
- (Grunt of laughter) - What?
Er, nothing, just...
(Mark) 'Maybe she did find it charming. Yeah, maybe.
'Just work out her... I could say Jeremy had a gun and made me sing it
'because he's a crackhead and he does that all the time.
'Yeah, that sounds great - me in my crack house. You can be a crack bitch
'and sit on my... Shit!
'Shit, piss, poo, pants, bollocks. Yes, blitzkrieg! I'm in the Ardennes!
'You can't touch me in the Ardennes, concealed in the cupboard.
'Everything's OK in the cupboard. I'm safe in the cupboard.'
- You're in the stationery cupboard. - That's right, Jeff.
- I hope you're having a good time. - Yeah, well...
I'm just in the cupboard right now.
- About the message, we'll talk later, OK? - Er, yeah, fine.
(Jez) 'Here we go. Operation Come Over Like An Unemployable Freak.'
Hi, I'm Barbara. Do you want to walk this way?
Right you are.
I might wobble because I'm a bit pissed from last night
and I don't want to get your hopes up cos I must say...
- I'm only really here because... - Obviously you know Mark Corrigan.
- (Jez) 'Oh, shit.' - Mark would be one of your managers.
(Jez) 'Must be careful. Don't want the job or to piss off the land baron.'
(Mark) 'He looks like crap.'
We have to make sure we've ticked all the boxes, so to speak
and kept everything above board.
So if I can outline the basic requirements of the role you'll be undertaking.
You'll be responsible for updating and maintaining the filing system.
That may not sound important but the truth is...
(Jez) 'Shit, what's she talking about? Nod. Look serious.
'I'm Di, she's Bashir.'
...whole company communicates...
(Mark) 'He'll be able to pay off the Blockbusters fine,
'plus I'll be able to order him around.
'Not horrible, just... "Jeremy, could you file this for me?
"'Jeremy, could you take that for me?
"'Jeremy, could you suck this for me..." Jesus! Where did that come from? '
It's a valuable asset. Do you have any experience in this field?
Er, I've done quite a lot, actually.
I mean, not formal filing but alphabeti-pi-cising the videos,
doing the spices...
I'd want to build on that experience in a professional zone.
Sphere. I meant sphere.
(Jez) 'God, that sounded amazing! Don't accidentally get the bugger.'
We're doing great.
So, I see you used to be a nurse.
Wouldn't filing be a bit of a step down?
Yeah, I suppose it would, actually,
although I'm looking for something more relaxing.
Challenging. He means, challenging.
- I expect Jeremy knows what he means. - Yes, right.
No, challenging is right
but a bit more of a relaxing challenge.
More like doing a crossword than a tracheotomy.
- Right. - (Jez) 'Oh, shit.
'My natural bloody charm's only swinging it. Got to do something.'
- Are you OK? - What?
- It's just a thing I have. - What thing?
Facial spa... You do not have...
- I do... sometimes. - Well, er...
I guess that's everything. Jeremy, is there anything you'd like to ask?
Yes, Barbara. Yes, there is.
How much washing-up do you think you could do without any washing-up liquid?
- No, Jeremy. - Where's this...?
- It's a unique business opportunity. - It's pyramid selling.
- It's not pyramid selling, Mark. - It is.
- You're making a fool of yourself. - You're pissing on my bonfire!
- There is no bonfire! - Because you keep pissing on it!
Sheesh. This is low. This is really low.
Yeah, well, at least I don't fancy elves and pixies.
What does that mean? I literally have no idea what that is supposed to mean!
Well, thanks for coming in. We'll be in touch.
(Mark) 'Well, that was a fucking disaster. I want reparations - brutal reparations!
'I want the Rhineland. It's going to be 1919 all over again.
'Fuck the inevitable backlash!
'OK. It's OK, Mark. Later.
'Calm, honest and mature.'
Hey, Mark. I just bumped into your flatmate.
- Oh... yeah? - He kept talking about washing up.
- Very funny. Like Jim Carrey. - Huh. Yeah, I know what you mean.
'Get your tanks off my lawn, Jeremy.'
But listen, Sophie...
About the message last night. I want to kind of come clean really.
It's a bit embarrassing but...
the thing is...
Jeremy, sometimes, for a laugh, makes me say things with a bread knife.
- He's obviously not a crackhead but... - Uh-huh. OK.
Look, you don't have to... About the phone message,
- you don't have to be embarrassed. - I don't?
- No, it's just one of those things. - Is it? It is?
Oh, right. Fantastic.
And... you haven't told anyone about it?
Of course not.
- Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. - 'Calm down. She's not Pontius Pilate.'
Yeah, well, you know...
The truth is...
The truth is I suppose...
I like you.
That's why I said the song. I like you.
Is that such a crime?
Should I be hounded to the ends of the earth just for liking you?
I like you and if you can't handle it, you can just...
No, no, I think I can handle you liking me.
Right, excellent. OK.
Hi, Mark. Thanks for bringing in Jeremy.
He was quite the find.
Right, I'm really sorry. I mean, I thought it would be a good...
that he might... but...
Hey! Hey, there!
(Shouts) Feeling better now, are we? Fully recovered?
Hey, I see you!
I see you!
He used to have a limp!
I mean, he pretended to have a limp.
He's a faking little pegleg!
(Lift bell tings)
'Well, fuck you if you're not doing small talk. I'm not helping.
'Let's die together.'
? And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like
? I like you?
(Peters and Lee) ? And then I go and spoil it all
? By saying something stupid like I love you
? I can see it in your eyes that you despise the same old lies
? You heard the night before
? And though it's just a line to you For me, it's true
? And never seems so...?
(Record scratches off)
P S 2004
P T U
Pact of Silence The
Padre padrone (Paolo Taviani & Vittorio Taviani 1977 CD1
Padre padrone (Paolo Taviani & Vittorio Taviani 1977 CD2
Paid In Full
Paint Your Wagon 1969 CD1
Paint Your Wagon 1969 CD2
Pale Rider CD1
Pale Rider CD2
Pan Wolodyjowski CD1
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Panda Kopanda (Panda! Go Panda!)
Pandoras Box 1929 CD1
Pandoras Box 1929 CD2
Panic Room 2002
Paper The 1994
Paradine Case The (1947)
Paradise Hawaiian Style - Elvis Presley (Michael D Moore 1966)
Paradise Villa 2000
Paragraph 175 (Rob Epstein Jeffrey Friedman 1999)
Parallax View The 1974
Paran Deamun (1998)
Parapluies de Cherbourg Les
Parent Trap The CD1
Parent Trap The CD2
Paris - When It Sizzles (1964)
Paris Texas CD1
Paris Texas CD2
Parole officer The
Pasolini Volume 2
Passage to India CD1
Passage to India CD2
Passion 1982 30fps
Passion Of The Christ The
Patch of Blue
Pather Panchali (Satyajit Ray 1955)
Patlabor - The Movie - 1990
Patlabor The Movie 3 CD1
Patlabor The Movie 3 CD2
Patton CD1of3 1970
Patton CD2of3 1970
Patton CD3of3 1970
Paul McCartney Back In The US CD1
Paul McCartney Back In The US CD2
Pauline At The Beach
Pauline and Paulette
Pauly Shore is Dead
Peace Hotel The (1995)
Pearls and Pigs
Peculiarities of National Hunting
Pee-wees Big Adventure (1985)
Peep Show 1x1
Peep Show 1x2
Peep Show 1x3
Peep Show 1x4
Peep Show 1x5
Peep Show 1x6
Peeping Tom (1960)
Peking Opera Blues (1986)
Pelican Brief The
Pennies from Heaven (1981)
Pepe le Moko
Peppermint Frapp 1967
Perfect Murder A
Perfect Score The 2004
Perfect World A
Petek13th part 7 A new blood
Peter Pan (2003)
Petes Dragon (1977)
Petrified Forest The 1936
Peyton Place CD1
Peyton Place CD2
Phantom of the Paradise
Philadelphia Story The 1940
Phone - Byeong-ki Ahn 2002
Phouska I (The Bubble 2001)
Piano Lesson The
Pickup On South Street 1953
Piece of the Action A 1977 CD1
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Pieces Of April
Pink Panther The - A Shot In The Dark (1964)
Pitfall The (Otoshiana 1962)
Planet Of The Apes (1969)
Planet of the Apes 1968
Planet of the Apes 2001
Planets The 1 - Different Worlds
Planets The 2 - Terra Firma
Planets The 3 - Giants
Planets The 4 - Moon
Planets The 5 - Star
Planets The 6 - Atmosphere
Planets The 7 - Life
Planets The 8 - Destiny
Plastic Tree CD1
Plastic Tree CD2
Platonic Sex CD1
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Platoon (Special Edition)
Play It Again Sam
Playing By Heart
Please Teach Me English (2003) CD1
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Plumas de Caballo
Plunkett and Macleane
Pocketful of Miracles CD1
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Pod Njenim Oknom (Beneath Her Window)
Poika ja ilves
Point Break - CD1 1991
Point Break - CD2 1991
Pokemon - Movie 1 - Mewtwo Strikes Back
Poker (2001) CD1
Poker (2001) CD2
Pokrovsky Gates The 25fps 1982
Pola X 1999 CD1
Pola X 1999 CD2
Police Academy (1984)
Police Academy 2 Their First Assignment 1985
Police Academy 3 Back in Training 1986
Police Academy 4 - Citizens on Patrol 1987
Police Story (2004) CD1
Police Story (2004) CD2
Police Story 2
Poltergeist 2 The Other Side 1986
Poltergeist 3 (1988)
Pork Chop Hill
Porky - Awful Orphan (1949)
Porky - Dough for the Do Do (1949)
Porky - Porky Chops (1949)
Porky - The Wearing of the Grin (1951)
Pornostar (Poruno Suta)
Port of Call (1948)
Portrait of a Lady The
Poseidon Adventure The
Poslusne hlasim (1957)
Possible Loves - Eng - 2000
Post Coitum 2004
Postman Blues (1997)
Power Play (2002)
Presidents Analyst The (1967)
Prick Up Your Ears
Pride and Prejudice
Pride and Prejudice CD1
Pride and Prejudice CD2
Pride and Prejudice CD3
Pride and Prejudice CD4
Pride and Prejudice CD5
Pride and Prejudice CD6
Pride and Prejudice The Making of
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Prime of Miss Jean Brodie The CD1
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Prince and the Showgirl The
Princess Blade The
Princess Bride The
Princess Diaries The CD1
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Princess Of Thieves
Princess and the Warrior The
Prisoner of Second Avenue The
Private Life of Sherlock Holmes The (1970)
Project A CD1
Project A CD2
Psycho - Collectors Edition
Public Enemy (2002 Korean) CD1
Public Enemy (2002 Korean) CD2
Public Enemy The
Pulp Fiction (1984)
Pump Up The Volume
Pumping Iron (1977)
Punisher The (2004)
Punisher The 1989
Pupendo (2003) CD1
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Purple Rose Of Cairo The
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