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Peters Friends

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There are some friends you'll have for the rest of your life.
You're welded together by love,
trust, respect,
or loss.
Or in our case, simple embarrassment.
Stand clear of the doors.
Mind the gap.
Let's all go down to Oxford Circus, past Trafalgar Square...
And then from Charing Cross right up to Euston.
Then change to the Victoria,
then the Piccadilly takes us round to Gloucester Road,
Kensington and Notting Hill Gate.
Holland Park, and Shepherds Bush.
- Ladbroke Grove, Westbourne Park. - Royal Oak and Paddington.
Edgware Road and Baker Street.
Great Portland Street and Euston Square.
Barbican and Aldgate East and change for Tower Hill.
Fulham Broadway, heading down for Wimbledon.
Wimbledon Park. Now we've crossed the Thames.
Back to Earl's Court right up to Victoria.
Change for Green Park.
Home in time for tea.
To check the map to find the route to start again.
So, after tea we're off again.
We go through Swiss Cottage heading northward on the Jubilee.
We change to the Metropolitan at Finchley Road,
which takes us round to change at Rayner's Lane.
- Sudbury Hill and Sudbury Town. - Alperton and Acton Town.
- Chiswick Park and Turnham Green. - Stamford Brook and Ravenscourt Park.
- Hammersmith and Barons Court. - West Kensington and Bayswater.
And again, Paddington...
Then change for Maida Vale.
Willesden Junction.
Didn't notice Kensal Green.
Watford High Street. Christ, we've gone too far.
Stop at Watford. Back again to Baker Street.
King's Cross, Moorgate, Northern line to Bank.
And the escalator link to Monument.
We jump the Circle and we're going round and round
and round and round.
All change!
Perhaps we shouldn't have closed with the Underground Song.
Just keep thinking of the fee, my cherubs. 500 pounds.
- It could have been worse. - Yes, it could have been worse.
They could have attached electrodes to our genitals!
I think they enjoyed it, in their own way.
Yes, they're just one of those audiences that enjoy it... later.
They get home and think: Yes, I rather enjoyed that.
Should we give them our individual telephone numbers then?
I shall expect dozens of phone calls saying:
"I know I looked bored shitless throughout the evening,
but on reflection, Roger was right. I had a fantastic time".
You two are so cynical.
We should hire a lawyer and sue that audience.
- Paul enjoyed it. - You are such a little cutie.
Maggie, are you doing a magic trick over there?
Oh, Maggie!
I have to say, Peter.
Why did your father book us if his friends weren't going to laugh.
And you have to say that?
Will you take a picture of us?
Not a photograph! Not a photo!
It's the last performance we'll do together,
and it's New Year's Eve and I want a photograph.
We're not students anymore.
Thank God.
Hurry up! I haven't got all night!
Smile.
All right. Bah after three.
Bah!
Welcome to your life.
There's no turning back.
Even while we sleep,
we will find you acting on your best behaviour.
Turn your back on Mother Nature.
Everybody wants to rule the world.
It's my own design.
It's my own remarks.
Help me to decide.
Help me make the most of freedom and of pleasure.
Nothing ever lasts forever.
Everybody wants to rule the world.
There's a room where the light won't find you.
Holding hands while the walls come tumbling down.
When they do, I'll be right behind you.
So glad we've almost made it.
So sad they had to fade it.
Everybody wants to rule the world.
Peter, if you're going to stay in the house,
I shall have to file certain papers with the court.
The local rating system alone is very complicated.
I shall need to go through that with you.
But to be honest with you, Mr. Gooch,
I'm not sure what I'm going to do with this house.
Your father provided generously for Vera and Paul in his will,
and the part time staff have also been taken care of.
I know.
Perhaps you could rent the property out.
I could arrange that for you.
- Not sure. - Or I could get a valuation done.
I'm sorry to be so vague, Mr. Gooch.
But you'll be delighted to know I've made one decision.
What's that?
I'm going to have a party.
Andrew and Carol in there, I think.
And Maggie in there.
Vera, if you'd be happier leaving before the holidays...
I'd understand completely.
And Sarah and... her friend in there.
I've said I'll stay till the first of the year.
Roger and Mary in there.
Which of course is lovely and much appreciated, Vera,
but I wish you'd please try, as a special favour to me,
not to be quite so gothic to my friends.
When my bags come in...
Excuse me, but are you who I think you are?
I think I might be.
- What's your name again? - Carol Benson.
Who?
Carol Benson.
- "Who's in the Kitchen?" - What?
It's a situation comedy. My wife is the star.
It's made us millions of dollars. You must come visit us.
I knew I knew you!
My children watch you on television!
I've never seen the show myself.
It's on at 4 in the afternoon. I usually have things to do.
But they love it. It was nice to meet you.
- Susan, was it? - Carol.
Well, I'll just call you "The Kitchen Lady".
Andrew, you know what I hate most about being a public figure?
The public. That's one of mine.
What the fuck have you got in here, weights?
Yes.
Ben, please play with the tractor that cost Daddy 40 pounds,
not the box it came in.
This is very important.
Every time Ben goes to sleep, it must be switched on, all right?
Wherever you are in the house, you must carry this intercom.
If he stops breathing, an alarm will go,
and you get to him immediately and start resuscitation.
- Sure you know mouth-to-mouth? - I'm a qualified nurse.
Please don't worry Mrs. Anderson.
You and your husband go and enjoy a couple of days break.
Everything will be fine.
Maybe we should take Ben with us.
- Could you hold him, please? - Certainly.
Look, we haven't been out of this house at night for 8 months.
- Please! - I'll worry the whole time.
But we're expected. It'll be great to see everyone again.
All right, let me say goodbye to him once more.
Bye, sweetheart, we'll see you in 3 days.
All right? Mummy and Daddy will see you in 3 days.
I've never left him overnight before.
I've left pictures of myself everywhere.
Look, Michael.
Maggie.
That's supposed to help.
I'll come in twice a day and freshen his food and water.
Please, don't let him follow me into the hall,
'cause he might try and... run after me.
Where is he?
He ran into the bedroom.
He's putting on a brave face.
You have my telephone number.
Just in case you need to get in touch.
Please don't hesitate to call.
Bye, Michael. Bye.
Bye-bye, Michael.
Bye. I'm going, bye.
Don't let him follow me, all right?
Bye.
No, no, no!
Yes!
Sarah! Sarah!
Sarah! It's Maggie!
Maggie, you look wonderful!
You must be Clive. I've heard so much about you.
- Actually, this is Brian. - I meant Brian.
I completely meant Brian. I'm very bad with names.
It's completely my fault. She's talked about Brian for months.
We only met a couple of weeks ago.
Congratulations!
You look very happy together. I wonder who's picking us up.
Hello.
- Are you Paul? - Yes.
Oh, my God! Little Paul!
What about that train!
How is Peter? Is he all right?
I guess.
- So hard losing a parent. - I guess.
I think this is going to have a positive effect on Peter.
He even sounded different on the phone.
More mature.
More sturdy.
Ready to settle down, don't you think?
- I guess. - Me too.
Peter?
Peter's hopeless, Mags. He's the loveliest boy in the world
but he's never been able to hold down a job or relationship.
You know that. He's hopeless.
People change.
Paul's certainly changed.
I heard this extraordinary story about Greta Garbo the other day.
Apparently she and Georgia O'Keefe
used to keep this Alsatian that used to lick them.
Did he? So how many of the...?
Oh, right.
Yes, well you make sure that...
Yeah, okay then.
Yes, you are right.
Look, I'll phone as soon as we get there.
To see if everything's all right Thanks a lot. Bye.
Fucking hell!
Look at you!
Look at you!
Mr. California!
Hello, my darling!
- Did you bring a surfboard? - No, that's just Carol.
Ignore him. He's a monster.
Carol, it's joyful gorgeousity.
- What's all this, then? - It's called a pot belly, Andrew.
We have those in England, along with culture.
- Be careful with everything. - Yes, ma'am.
You look great!
Miss Benson... sorry...
I heard you were going to be here. I'm a really big fan.
Thank you, just grab something from the trunk and follow them.
- Mags, old girl! - Peter!
Peter, Peter, Peter, Peter!
We've just got the 3 days, Maggie.
It would be nice to make it into the house at some stage.
Roger and Mary!
Andrew!
I'm going inside to grab the best room.
Of course you are, my darling.
Excuse me. Are those heavy enough for you?
Hello. Could I...?
Hello, Andrew.
How are you?
Could I be a terrible bore and use your phone?
Yes, of course.
- Well, come on then. - Yes.
Thank you all very much. I'm very grateful.
- Thank you. - Thank you madam.
- Thank you. - Ta.
- Thank you. - No, actually, I'm a guest.
- A guest? - Yeah.
- Then why did you carry my bags? - I don't know.
Can you tell me which room my girlfriend's in?
- Does she have a name? - Sorry. Sarah.
She's in that room.
- Everything all right, Vera? - Not enough towels.
Andrew, you should see our room. It is to die for!
My wife.
Sarah.
Sarah?
Sarah?
Look at this armoire! Is it real?
No, it's imaginary.
Whose are these?
I'm afraid there's been a bit of misunderstanding.
Those are my suits. This is my room.
I'm so sorry. Please forgive me.
No, no that's quite all right. Yours is next door.
Is it as nice as this one?
Well...
I am kidding.
If this were my house, I'd want the best room.
Andrew... bags.
She's fun when she's asleep.
- I heard that. - Thank you, darling.
Tidings of comfort and joy,
comfort and joy.
Oh, tidings of comfort and joy.
Brenda says everything is fine.
Good.
He had a bottle and a whole jar of apple sauce.
Good, probably no need to call tomorrow then.
Are you saying I'm ringing too often?
I can't help it if I'm concerned about my baby.
Are you saying I'm not concerned?
Because I don't ring every 2 seconds doesn't mean I'm not concerned.
Hello you two. Got everything you need?
Yeah, fine thanks.
Towels, spoons?
Heaps of spoons.
- Mary? - Fine, thanks.
It's good to get away, actually.
I'm sorry I haven't seen either of you since...
No, don't be silly.
This is the first time we've been out since it happened.
- Ben's all right though? - Yes, Ben is very bonny.
So, all you've got to worry about are murderers and perverts.
Quite.
I'll see you both downstairs at 7, if that's all right.
Peter,
we were very sorry to hear about your father.
Thank you.
- Thanks for inviting us down. - Tish tosh, nonsense!
Wouldn't work if you two lovelies weren't here.
Well, I'll see you both downstairs.
I could feel the cellulite building up on the plane.
I wonder if any airlines have planes with gyms?
I was going to suggest we flew Gym Air,
but I thought you'd prefer a plane with a seat.
A gym on a plane is a good idea.
And that's what makes you, you, darling.
You promised you'd be nicer to me on this trip.
Because I thought we were getting away from it all.
I didn't realise you'd bring it all with you.
You'd love me less if I were fat.
I think I'll take a walk.
Hiya, sexy.
Hello. Just came to see you're doing this properly.
Oh, no! You're doing it all wrong.
Now I'll have to help you.
So, do you have wood in Los Angeles?
- We have Hollywood. - Now, now. Stop it.
- I don't want to tell you again. - Sorry.
I got your letter.
Thank you. It meant a great deal to me.
My father was very fond of you.
I was fond of him.
Well, you understood him better. I wasted him.
- No. - Yes, I did.
It's funny.
With both my parents gone, I suddenly...
have this overwhelming urge to act maturely.
I don't think anyone really matures.
Adults are just children who owe money.
Come on.
One more?
Okay.
Strange about Father.
We fought each other for years and now, I miss him.
Well of course you do, Peter.
So all this is yours now, Eh, your lordshipful?
Kneel when you say that kindly.
Doesn't Sarah look good still?
- Very fruity. - Yes.
Maggie's still Maggie, of course.
Roger and Mary seem to be holding up okay.
I suppose so.
- Horrid thing to have to go through. - Absolutely.
I think if there is a God, he takes a lot of long lunches.
- Are you all right? - Yes, it is...
- Oh, uh yourself. - How is everything out there?
You know, Carol and I have an obscene amount of money.
- How long have you been married? - Almost three years.
That's quite long time for Hollywood, isn't it?
You get some kind of plaque?
If we stay together for 5 years I get free hair transplants,
and she gets a new set of breasts.
- What? So she'll have 4? - Yes, but her agent gets one.
No, no stop it!
You fell for that. I didn't think you would.
Is that cream you're putting in that?
- Are you making any without cream? - No.
I can't have cream.
- Then you'd better not eat any. - What's that I smell?
That's what we're having for dinner.
Cream of mushroom soup, roast beef and Yorkshire pudding,
buttered carrots, sprouts, parsnips, mashed potatoes and trifle.
Should I send for the ambulance?
Lord Malton drew up the menu. You'll have to talk to him.
Why don't you make me a baked potato, steam a few carrots
and broil me a piece of chicken without the skin?
Why don't you go down to the shop, buy whatever it is that you want
and cook your self?
Did you never see "Upstairs, Downstairs"?
So, how's the world of publishing?
Fine, very busy.
Any news on the boyfriend front?
I was kind of seeing someone.
An author.
And what happened?
He committed suicide.
- Oh, I'm so sorry. - It's all right,
honestly, really.
I didn't really like him very much.
I liked him even less after he committed suicide.
How did he do it?
Threw himself off a building.
He couldn't even do that properly.
It was only a 3 storey building.
He would have survived,
only a car ran him over.
- It's not funny. - It is slightly funny, Maggie.
I suppose so. Yes it is slightly funny.
What sort of books did he write?
- Self-help. - Of course.
Oh, sorry.
Actually,
we've just published a new self-help book,
called "You Already Know your Mate"
That sound reasonable.
It's about how sometimes you know someone
and who you should be married to...
but you don't think of him as marriage potential.
Because, you know, he's your friend.
But, Mags, I'm sorry to break your heart, but I am taken.
Not you, Andrew?
Peter.
Peter? Oh, Mags...
Peter's never been very interested in women.
- He's definitely gay then, is he? - I don't know.
Well you're his best friend.
But I haven't seen him for 4 years. We haven't discussed it.
I don't think he's very interested in men either.
And that's the point, I don't think he's a very interested, full stop.
I think it's just because he hasn't met the right woman.
Or rather...
he hasn't realised that he has met the right woman.
But he hasn't realised it.
Got a wife and kids in Baltimore, Jack.
I went out for a ride and I never went back.
Like a river that don't know where it's flowing.
I took a wrong turn and I just can't go home.
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
Lay down your money and you play your part.
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
I met her in a Kingstown bar.
We fell in love, I knew it had to end.
We took what we had and we ripped it apart.
Now here I am down in Kingstown again.
Everybody's got a hungry heart.
You look sensational.
You look very nice too, Sarah.
Do you want us to sit anywhere in particular?
Wherever you like. Just make sure you face the table.
- Good evenings darlings. - Hello.
Carol will be down in a minute. She's just gluing her hair on.
All right if I sit here?
- Maggie. - Hello.
Can I talk to you for just a minute?
Oh, certainly.
I don't know what this about,
but if something's hanging out my nose and no-one's told me, it's trouble.
I need to sit next to Peter.
Look...
Why don't we go boy, girl, boy... Maggie, yeah?
Yes.
You look lovely.
... Greta Garbo and Georgia O'Keefe.
And they used to keep this Alsatian that used to lick them.
What's wrong with him?
Why?
- Evening all. - Hello.
Does this bother anyone? I'll put it out.
Oh, my Goodness!
Oh, this? This is a just something very expensive.
Peter, this house is gorgeous.
I wanted to buy an English mansion in Bel Air,
but Andrew said it was vulgar.
It was just like this, only brand new.
Excuse me. Could you put that out, please?
Carol, I think you've met everyone.
Peter of course you know. Maggie.
Sarah, Roger and...
- I want to say Ebenezer... - Brian.
Brian, I'm so sorry. Brian's such a close second behind Ebenezer.
Hello, everybody.
I've met Brian. I'm surprised you're here.
I thought you'd be carrying bags somewhere.
- What does she mean? - It's all right, a private joke.
- Hi, I'm Carol. - Carol who took our Andrew away.
Would you like him back? It can be arranged.
Everything's fine at home.
I know.
Paul, would you be a blessed poppet and wine everybody up?
Well, I'd just like to say...
before the festivities begin.
Just a little.
I haven't had alcohol since I was pregnant with the twins.
I'd just like to...
None for me and none for him. We are A.A.
- Yes, well, I'd say, and intend to... - Sorry.
Red, thanks.
- Yes well, you... - White for me, please.
I'm sorry.
No, really...
All I wanted to say...
was what I can think of no finer, fluffier,
shiner people
to see the New Year in with your good selves.
And I'd like you all to raise your glasses...
to old friends who should see each other more often.
- To old friends - And their wives.
And their wives.
I warn you girls, it is swimming in cream.
Don't get me wrong.
If I'm looking kind of dazzled.
I see neon lights.
Whenever you walk by.
Don't get me wrong.
If I split life like a fruitcake.
I'm only after one thing.
Across the moonlit night.
Once in a while...
two people meet,
pass on the street.
Suddenly thunder...
showers everywhere.
Who can explain the thunder and rain,
but there's something in the air.
Delicious.
So, Carol, tell me all about Hollywood.
There's nothing to tell, really.
It's a factory town, like Detroit.
Hollywood is a community that churns out entertainment.
Can I just say that I love "Who's in The Kitchen?"
Thank you very much.
I'm embarrassed to say I haven't seen it, sorry.
I haven't had a chance to watch it yet either.
- When's it on? - It's on at four.
I'm glad none of you have seen it. Because it's shit.
It's not shit.
It's shit with a capital "sh".
It's number 3 in the ratings.
I was interested to hear you describe Hollywood
as a community, Carol.
I mean all those high fences, and security patrols and...
nobody ever talking to each other.
I was reminded of that remark by Chesterton.
"A truly adventurous person
wouldn't cross the globe or climb mountains.
He'd just jump over the his neighbour's fence".
The real test of an individual's character
is to be dropped down a random chimney...
and to be able to get on with the set of people he finds there.
If you think about it, that's what happens to us when we're born.
We have to get on with the strangers we find there.
Isn't typical of Chesterton thought to describe a...
chimney as a kind of uterus.
Typical, it's really typical.
Sarah...
Would you like a special room set aside or something?
I'm sorry.
We haven't been together long. Sometimes we get carried away.
That's very romantic.
The first time we fucked each other was in a phone box.
Brian is in the production of "Cherry Orchard" I'm costuming.
And it is not a patch on "Who's in The Kitchen".
Actually, I based it on the "The Cherry Orchard".
Extraordinary coincidence.
- Can I just make a phone call? - Of course.
Sorry.
- How is everything, Rog? - Well, it's...
So Rog, what do you do?
I'm a jingle writer.
Those funny little tunes at the end of commercials?
Actually, Roger and Mary are
the number one jingle writers in England, Brian.
- Really? - Yes.
- No, not number one. - Isn't that brilliant?
What are you working on now?
Is it, you know, top secret?
It's a new coffee campaign.
Can you sing it for us?
- Sing it for us now. - No, no.
Please, go on. All right then.
I'll do one.
So name me a product.
Oh right, I'll tell you what, I'll do an airline.
Fine, right, here we go.
Fly high.
Fly with us.
Come on, that's all right.
Have to work on it a bit to get it to rhyme, but it's okay.
So how much would you make for doing one of those?
I make a living.
Did you always want to be a jingle writer?
- No, but... - I always wanted to be an actor.
Did you?
It's terribly funny.
You are not at all the way I thought you'd be.
'Cause you seem really nice.
And from everything I've read about you in the newspapers,
I thought you'd be...
other.
Other?
Everything's fine.
Just hearing about your jingle writing.
How do you do that, a career and twins?
In fact I was going to ask you...
whether you use your twins in your commercials?
I know very often in the movies they do use twins.
Like when one twin starts to go off...
- they just bring in the other one. - Brian!
Excuse me.
Sorry, what?
One of our twins died.
I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.
It's not like me to put my foot in it.
I've got it,
Listen...
Fly high.
Fly with me and happy you'll be.
How much would I get paid for that?
Somewhere in the region of 12 millions pounds.
Oh, Vera, that looks delicious. What are they?
"Petit Fours". My very own recipe.
None for me thank you. Four's my unlucky number.
Do you have "Petit Fives"?
It's a joke.
- Do you have any fresh fruit? - Yes, it's in the kitchen.
That could be really good, Carol.
If you went in the kitchen and you dropped something...
you made a noise, then we could say...
"Who's in the kitchen?"
I thought now would be a good time,
to get out the presents.
Sarah and Brian...
I'm sorry, Maggie. I didn't get you anything.
I didn't get anyone else anything either.
Mags, Christmas was last week.
Well you know, call them New Year presents.
Well New Year's Eve's tomorrow, Maggie.
Is this an English tradition I don't know about?
We always celebrate December 30th.
They're only little. Don't make such a fuss.
We didn't get you anything.
Look just take the fucking presents.
- Shall I get that? - No.
It'll be for Peter. Leave it.
I can't.
Look, it's a naughty book. "Erotic Eastern Art".
Yeah.
Yeah?
Maggie's fine?
Bit embarrassed.
Don't mention it.
Who was that on the phone?
Mary got it. She thought it might be the babysitter.
Brian, it's for you.
It's your wife.
Christ!
Oh, Maggie!
- Thanks. - Maggie, this is lovely.
So, Catch of the Day is married, is he?
Who? Brian, married?
Not really. He wants to divorce her.
He left her one before he met me,
for a whole weekend.
They don't sleep together.
They don't.
He was going to tell her, but didn't want to spoil Christmas for the kid.
- They've got a kid? - A little boy.
That's why he didn't leave her years ago. For Nicholas' shake.
Sarah!
I don't know how she found out he was here.
She thinks he's rehearsing in Reading.
Don't you think we look great together?
You never change, do you?
What do you mean?
Don't get me wrong. I'm not condemning you.
I hope it works out.
I just don't know where you find the energy.
I can barely get round the supermarket.
- It'll work out. - Well, I hope so.
This one's different. He really loves me.
I don't know you very well, Sarah.
You're very pretty and I'm sure you do marvellous things to his dick,
but believe me, they will never leave their wife and kids.
Brian will.
This time it's different.
You always think that and it's always the same.
Remember how in love you were with Andrew
until he left that girl Carrie and got engaged to you?
Then you couldn't get rid of him fast enough.
Could she, Andrew?
I can't remember. It was a long time ago.
It was, you know...
a different lifetime. Thanks.
I've left my wife.
Darling!
I've told her about us. I've told her everything.
Which of you friends of little faith would like to apologise first?
Good luck to both of you. I'm going to bed.
Thank you for dinner, Peter. I enjoyed watching it.
Now you have two to choose from, Sarah.
Thanks, Mary. Thanks a lot.
Thank God. Now I can have a fag.
I'm not angry. I'm just embarrassed.
Is there anyone else down there you used to sleep with?
It was 10 years ago! You were married to someone else.
That is not the point. I did not try to keep it a secret.
I didn't try to keep it a secret.
I just didn't think it was worth mentioning.
You were engaged to that fuck-monster
and didn't think it was worth mentioning?
No, I didn't.
- So she was a fuck-monster. - I did not say that.
You did not deny it.
- Do you still have feelings for her? - Look, she's my friend.
She is my very screwed up friend who I am very fond of.
She has a problem getting involved with anyone available.
- That's all. - And what are you?
I'm unavailable.
And what is Brian, now that he has left his wife?
- He's available. - So, where does that leave me?
Sitting at the edge of the bed.
You're being totally irrational.
What the fuck is this?
Are you angry because I didn't mention I was engaged to Sarah,
or are you angry because you're married to me?
I don't know!
Carol, let's try not to make a big deal out of this.
I guess if we were sleeping together, I wouldn't.
I thought we using this vacation to try and work things out.
How are we going to do that here?
I'm stuck here in a freezing drawing room
with the cast of Masterpiece Theatre.
Exactly how far do you think we are going to get?
They are my best friends. I live in California.
I see them once every century.
Well, if that's what's important to you,
then go down and visit them.
I'm going to bed.
Remember that cabaret we did in Bradford?
That horrible thing.
We went on after The Fabulous Poodles.
Now there was a band. What happened to them?
Don't know. But we went on after them.
Peter was in the middle. It was his opening monologue,
and someone threw a glass.
And Peter said:
"If that happens again, we're going straight home".
Hundreds of glasses.
- Hello, loves. - Andrew...
I hope I didn't drop you in the poo.
Don't worry, darling. I live in the poo.
Couldn't matter less.
But I am going to have a drink.
Andrew...
A soft drink.
Now, are you telling revue stories?
Guilty, I'm afraid.
- Remember Bradford? - We've just done Bradford.
Do one of those songs you used to do.
Look, if you won't tell me your top secret coffee jingle,
then at least you can do that.
Go on, Rog.
Roger, I did have the piano tuned in your honour.
- Go on! - All right then.
Only if Mary will sing.
No, no. I can't, I can't.
All right.
- So, what's it to be? - Something slow and squidgy.
- A bit of the...? - Yes, yes.
How does it start?
Good evening everybody.
And welcome...
Some day...
when I'm awfully low.
... cold.
I will feel aglow
just thinking of you.
And the way you look tonight.
Oh, but you're lovely!
With your smile so warm.
And your cheeks so soft.
There is nothing for me but to love you.
Just the way you look tonight.
With each word your tenderness grows.
Tearing my fear apart.
And each laugh
that wrinkles your nose.
Touches my foolish heart.
Lovely.
Never, never change.
Keep thy breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it.
For I love you.
Just the way you look tonight.
Never, never change.
Keep thy breathless charm.
Won't you please arrange it.
For I love you.
Just the way you look...
tonight.
Now do the coffee jingle.
Oh, God!
Everybody's in show business over there.
Look we need a plumber the other day.
I knew we were in trouble when his van arrives
"Plumber to the Stars" on the top.
Git walks in wearing the silliest wig you've ever seen,
and hands me a script he's written
for "Who's In The Kitchen?"
- "Plumber". - You are joking!
Excuse me, Peter.
I can't find the television in my room. Where would it be?
I'm terribly sorry, I'm afraid there isn't one.
Then can I borrow someone else's?
I can't go to sleep unless I'm watching television.
No, I'm afraid there isn't one in the house.
My father wasn't a big fan.
- I'm sure there's a radio somewhere. - That's all right. I'll read.
Does anyone have a book?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that.
Oh, my Lord!
I'm leaving now, Peter.
Vera! What I can say? Magnificent dinner.
Paul and I'll be up after breakfast tomorrow.
- Why don't you stay for a drink? - Perhaps tomorrow night.
- Thank you, Vera. - I'll be off home now.
Goodnight all. Goodnight.
I think Roger and I ought to be off to bed.
But it's only 10 o'clock.
It was a long ride up.
Better pace ourselves. We're not 22 any more.
- Sarah was 24. - Shut up.
Right, well I'll go.
Brian, How many wives do you have?
I'm not going to panic. Isn't for me.
Okay. Night, night.
Sleep well.
Mary, it's for you. It's your babysitter.
What did she say? How did she sound?
Absolutely fine.
She just asked if she could speak to Mary.
Christ!
I don't know when this constant panic is going to end.
It's been 9 months now.
There's a book I'll send you when I get back to London.
You just have to be patient.
It's the worst thing that can happen to a woman to lose a baby.
Why is it the worst thing can happen to a woman? What about man?
Why does everyone think that nothing happens to the man?
Just 'cause I didn't birth to him doesn't mean I don't...
that I didn't love him.
But this constant sense of fucking doom in the air.
Ben is normal healthy child,
and if he even sniffles it's the end of the fucking world.
I'm sorry.
It's not your problem.
Don't be silly.
I'm sorry Rog, I didn't mean to imply...
No, no, it's me, it's Mary. Sorry.
Ben has a slight temperature.
Brenda called the doctor and he came over and examined him immediately,
and said it was nothing. Probably a little cold.
Oh, good!
That means we can all relax and enjoy the weekend.
So, I think we should go home.
You just said everything was fine.
Do you think I can relax and enjoy the weekend when he has a temperature?
Why don't you wait till tomorrow morning and then ring again?
Well, it's obvious you don't have children.
- Mary! - Well, that was unnecessary.
None of us
can possibly imagine what you've been through.
And your over-reaction
is understandable.
But it is an over-reaction.
We haven't seen you so long,
and we'd just like to spend a bit of time with you.
Now Sarah is right.
Wait till the morning and ring again.
All right. I'll try.
I can't promise, but I'll try.
I just get so worried...
I'm sorry, sorry.
It's all right.
Sarah, I'm sorry.
Let's talk about it upstairs.
Night, night.
Poor Roger and Mary.
Well done, Mags.
They'll work it out.
Anyone want to come upstairs and sleep with Carol and I?
- Pardon? - I'm not going up there.
She'll kill me.
I am so glad
to have been instrumental in tarnishing absolutely
everybody's relationships!
Maggie, you and I seem to be the only two people
who even vaguely get on with each other.
- Will you marry me? - Yes.
I now pronounce us man and wife.
I'll tell you why I am hysterical.
What if Ben dies? I won't be able to take it.
So you're going to be there every second, the rest of his life?
Yes, if I can, yes.
You are not going to go to sleep. We're going to talk about this.
We have talked about it.
I can't!
This is ruining our marriage.
I don't think so.
We have a problem and if we don't solve the problem,
I don't know what we're going to do.
Why don't you leave then?
I've thought about it.
- Moving out the house? - Moving out of the marriage.
You'd leave me?
I don't want to. Mary I love you.
But since Simon died I feel like you hate me,
and I can't live with someone who hates me.
- I don't hate you. - It's like you blame me for this.
- I loved Simon as much as you did. - I know.
I feel you think there was something I could've done to keep him alive.
If I had taken them to my mother's...
- none of this would have happened. - I know.
We didn't go to your mother's because I didn't want to.
If we'd been in the same room we'd have noticed him not breathing.
I wish something different had happened that night.
I put the babies to bed.
And I went into the next room and I watched television.
I did the same thing that we'd done every night.
It just happened.
It's not my fault.
I know.
I know.
I'm being unreasonable.
And I know...
I want to punish someone.
I just want to blame someone 'cause it's so fucking unfair.
Mary...
we have Ben.
We have each other.
Simon will always be part of our lives.
I'll never forget him.
We're still very lucky people,
and we've got a lot to be thankful for.
Don't leave me.
I won't leave you.
I won't leave you.
Sarah, when are you coming out?
Are you sawing something in there?
Right.
Get that beautiful little arse over here.
Brian, I'm very tired.
I know just the thing...
Brian... Don't!
What's wrong?
It's a very big step, leaving your wife.
You could have consulted me first.
You were the one who asked me to leave her in the first place.
Not yet.
We've only known each other two weeks.
You said you knew right away.
Brian...
you've got a kid.
He could live with us.
I've not even met him.
So that's your problem.
You're worried that Nicholas won't like you?
Well, don't worry.
He will love you just as much as I do.
Brian!
I'm very tired.
Peter!
Who is it?
Peter, it's me. Maggie.
Maggie?
What...?
Maggie, is everything all right?
Fill me with your little babies.
Oh, my God!
I think you'd better come inside.
No, no, no, by all things godly, no!
What are you doing?
You have to give our relationship a chance.
- What? - I've only just realised.
I love you.
Mags, I love you too, but we're friends.
Exactly! We're perfect for each other.
Most marriages are sparked off by a physical attraction
that wears off within the first year.
We've known each other for 10 years. We know we get along.
We can learn to love each other sexually.
It's perfect.
No, please. Keep that on.
Mags, I don't know what to say.
Don't say anything. Just please give it a chance.
Maggie, your offer is very tempting.
I do not want to put our friendship in jeopardy.
You just don't fancy me?
No, no, no.
Maggie, you're very attractive,
and intelligent and sexy.
How can I put this delicately?
It's just that I'm not really in the vagina business.
You slept with Sarah. I know you did.
My dear, the Archbishop of Canterbury has slept with Sarah.
And it was years ago.
Are you telling me you're gay?
Well, I never disguised the fact I'm a bit of a whoopsie,
but to be honest with you,
I think I'm what is commonly termed "bisexual".
Which is by the by,
because actually I no longer sleep with men or women.
But if I did,
I promise you'd be up there on my wish list,
together with Michelle Pfeiffer and River Phoenix.
I'm so embarrassed.
Look Maggie,
why don't you go back to your room,
and we'll pretend this never happened?
Don't tell anyone.
Not a soul.
You must understand through the touch of your hand
makes my pulse react.
That it's only the thrill,
boy meeting girl,
opposites attract.
It's physical.
You must try to ignore that it means more than that.
What's love got to do with it?
What's love but a second hand emotion?
What's love got to do with it?
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?
What's love got to do with it?
What's love but a sweet, old-fashioned notion?
What's love got to do with it?
Who needs a heart when a heart can be broken?
Hello.
Hello.
- What you doing? - Donkey kicks.
I've eaten everything in the place,
and I'm trying to work it off before morning.
I used to be bulimic.
A year ago I'd be in the bathroom throwing it all up.
I'm much healthier now.
What are you doing down here?
Just came down here to drink myself into a coma.
Get turned down by Peter?
It was all so embarrassing.
I wanted to kill myself.
Calm down and tell me what happened.
I can help you if you tell me.
I've had every man problem under the sun.
I don't think you'd understand.
Honey, therapists call me for advice.
This is different.
Different, schmifferent.
Talk to me.
He's a bisexual.
I was married to a bisexual.
Really?
What happened?
What happened? He left me.
For another woman. The ultimate put-down.
I'll run tomorrow.
So, tell me what happened.
I read this book...
which said that if...
you know someone already,
that was the ideal person with which to have
a long-lasting relationship.
Good theory.
So Peter is someone I love and trust.
And what happened?
The book said to be direct.
That subtle signals can be misconstrued.
So I went to his room and took my clothes off.
That's direct. What happened then?
He said he wasn't in the vagina business.
That's direct too.
Has Peter ever been in the vagina business?
Yes, he slept with Sarah.
There's a surprise. Was she engaged to Peter too?
No, they just had a brief affair.
Is Peter gay now?
I don't think so.
That's why I think there's still hope.
He isn't sleeping with anybody.
Neither am I.
Neither am I, but that's another story.
And I'm almost out of ice-cream. Okay.
Here's what I think you should do:
Let me make you over.
Make me over?
Maggie, you are a very pretty girl.
- No, I'm not. - Yes, you are.
- No, I'm not. - Yes!
But you make Mother Theresa look like a hooker.
Come on, loosen up. Have some fun.
Dear Lord,
give me strength
to carry on.
Maggie, it's me. Carol!
Quick!
Dear Lord,
give me strength
to carry on.
That all may be...
out on the highway.
All I've done and much more.
Please,
give me strength
to carry on.
Dear Lord,
give me strength
to carry on.
- Morning. - Hello, my darling.
I've written something that I want to show you.
It's called: 'Plumber'.
No, actually it's this.
I found this when I was moving some stuff up there.
It's that play we wrote. Well, the first half of it anyway.
- What's it like? - It's awful...
- with glimpses. - Oh, God!
I felt like a slimy bastard, running of to the States like that.
Did you mind?
Did I mind?
We'd invested 6 months in writing that, and you dropped it,
after one phone call from America.
- Why should I mind? - I'm so sorry, Peter.
Water under the bridge, my petal.
The first of many unfinished projects of which I litter the decade.
That's still a good joke.
Ruth says: "I've never fallen in love.
But I've stepped in it a few times".
The scene between the three of them, end of the first act...
It was good. It was yours.
Well, I've read worse.
Oh, my God! You look great!
Miss Perkins... you're beautiful.
You've been...
Christmas Caroled.
She has bones I would die for.
Well, breakfast anyone?
I'm starving, but I don't want to mess up my lipstick.
Or your bones.
I'm sure we could feed you eggs through a straw.
I'll just have some coffee. Do you have any 'Equal'?
I'm sorry, I'm famous for having no equal.
I've got some in my purse.
What the hell is that?
Is someone building a barn?
I think it must be Sarah and Brian.
I can't believe Sarah.
She seems to exist on a diet of fresh air and bonking.
You would know.
Morning, guys.
That's what I call an extremely long dick.
Well, if it isn't Sarah and Brian, is it us?
- Mags... - Yes?
- A new look. - It was Carol.
Then it can only be Roger and Mary.
I assume they resolved their differences last night.
This is the acid test.
Darlings!
Excuse me. I'd better go.
Where's Oscar Wilde this morning?
Lover Boy.
The Prince of Panache. Long Dong Silver.
He's taking a shower. A cold one, I hope.
Do I detect a hint of trouble in The Garden of Shag?
- Intermission. - Carol, it's for you.
From Los Angeles. Somebody called Bernie.
You told me you weren't giving anyone our number.
- Just Bernie. - Especially Bernie.
He said he would only call if it was an emergency.
Leftovers for breakfast everyone?
Where's all the food?
Vera wrapped it up and put it in there last night.
I saw her.
Food disappearing in the middle of the night.
I smell a Carol.
Not wishing to pry, but are you and she entirely happy together?
We're fine.
Just getting on each other's nerves a little.
I can relate.
Brian's getting on my nerves.
I hardly think my 3 year old marriage
compares to your 2 weeks old fuck fest.
I just commit very early.
The self knowledge of Zsa Zsa Gabor.
What do you mean by that?
That you are stuck in a recurring pattern.
You know those mice that go around on those little wheels?
Lmagine one wearing a tight leather skirt.
We can't all have our lives figured out as well as you do.
I didn't say that, I said I had your life figured out, love.
I'm sick of everyone judging everything I do.
I'm going for a walk.
That's a nice way to start the morning.
I'm sorry. I didn't mean it...
I'm sure you didn't mean to but I rather think you did.
What did Bernie have to say then?
Can I get you some eggs, toast?
- Must be bad. - I think I'll...
Okay.
Give it to me straight. I can take it.
It's a film, Andrew.
Shelley Long has dropped out. It's shooting in Montana.
And they said they need a fast replacement.
- When does it start shooting? - Monday.
Oh, Jesus, Carol you'd have to leave like...
There's a flight tonight.
- Lf you really want... - It's a film, Andrew.
It's a film. Well this is a marriage.
If I thought for one second that you intended to try...
Fine.
Then tell Bernie you'll take it.
Okay.
You already have, haven't you?
Great.
Morning.
- An airline pilot? - Fighter pilot.
What on earth would make you want to do that?
- Top Gun. - I'm sorry?
Top Gun. You seen it?
I've seen it 63 times. Bloody brilliant.
- Is that the one with Tom Cruise? - And Kelly McGillis.
She's what really made me want to became a fighter pilot, not him.
- Why? - I want to go to that school she runs.
For fighter pilots. That'd be bloody brilliant.
Hi.
Blimey!
Hello, Maggie.
What am I doing?
Let me say, since
we've been together,
loving you forever.
Naughty.
You frightened me.
I'm sorry, Sarah.
Sorry about this morning in the kitchen.
I didn't mean to be judgmental.
I'm certainly no-one to talk.
I was just sitting here trying to work exactly
how I ruined my life.
You think you're in trouble?
I just tried to fuck a six year old.
It's like kindergarten, school, university...
- black hole. - It's not that bad.
Yes it is. In fact, it's slightly worse than that.
Do you and Carol love each other?
I owe her a lot.
She hired me when a lot other people wouldn't touch me.
- Did you really used to drink a lot? - Like a pissed fish, darling.
She understood. She had a parking- space next to me in the aquarium.
Weird thought: That the pair of us stopping drinking
would make things simpler.
It's just made them more complicated.
I'm disappointed in you. You used to be so romantic.
Well, but now I'm rheumatic.
Actually, that's it, isn't it?
People think you're addicted to sex.
You're addicted to romance. And the moment it gets real...
like this poor bastard Brian leaving his wife,
you run for cover.
Where's the Andrew who used to scale the college wall
to play with me all night long?
Everything's different now, Sarah.
Everything's different.
I wonder what would've happened if we'd stayed together.
Is that a come-on or an honest enquiry?
It's an honest... come-on.
I was going to tell Bernie I wasn't available, but...
I guess I am.
Wonderful.
Just listen. Daddy loves you very much.
I promise. I'll see you next week.
No, Nicholas, I will see you next week.
I promise. I'll take to the zoo.
No, I love mummy, too.
I love mummy, too.
Nicholas, I love you.
I promise I'll see you next week.
What are you thinking?
I was just wondering who that phone call was for.
Well you know, Roger,
I think if it had been for us,
someone would have told us.
I mean, absolutely no question about it at all.
You cheeky bitch.
No!
Not the buttons.
- Can I help? - No need.
There must be something I can do.
All right.
If you get on with that there. Thin slices.
Mushrooms. I see.
Thanks so much for coming up this weekend.
I wouldn't have been able to have my friends here if it weren't for you.
I'll miss this house.
Do you have any plans?
Paul wants to learn to fly.
Saw a film called "Top Gun".
I'm going to retire.
I'm going to watch videos.
Best thing that ever happened.
If I did decide to keep the house,
is there any chance you'd stay on?
To me, this will always be your father's house.
I don't want to see it change.
And you don't want me around with all of my opinions.
Those are too thick. Do them again, please.
Opinions?
How you live your life is none of my business.
My life, you mean my sex life?
Please, I don't want to talk about it. It's none of my business.
Is that better?
Much better. Put it in the pot, please.
- How's your family? - Don't you have a fucking go at me.
I saw you down there with that fucking wood-chopping guy.
What?
I have laid my life on the line for you, Sarah.
And the moment I make some kind of commitment to you
you're off with some fucking wood-chopping guy.
I dunno, maybe we have made some terrible mistake here.
The thought had crossed my mind.
It's a bit fucking late for that.
Isn't it?
What have I done? What have I fucking done?
Don't be such a drama queen.
Don't you...!
Brian.
I owe you an apology.
It's not you.
Go home to your wife.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it to end up like that.
Mags?
Are you okay?
Maggie, are you ill?
Shit, sorry.
Look, are you sure you want to go?
It's not that I want to go, it's that you don't want me to stay.
When did I say that?
You've spent the last 6 months treating me like shit.
You know, there's nothing between Sarah and me.
I know that Sarah isn't the problem.
You're unhappy with you. I can't fix that.
You're right.
It's just need some time.
I just need some time to sort some things out.
So do I.
Why don't you spend some time
doing whatever it is that you think you should be doing?
- You've got my number in Montana. - Yeah, okay.
- Give me a call. - Yeah.
Take care, sugar.
I'm hearing the light from the window.
I'm seeing the sound of the sea.
My feet have gone loose from their moorings.
I'm feeling quite wonderfully free.
And I think I will travel to Rio.
Using the music for flight.
Bye.
There's nothing I know of in Rio.
But it's something to do with the night.
It's only a whimsical notion,
to fly down to Rio tonight.
And I probably won't fly down to Rio.
But, then again, I just might.
There's wings to the fault behind fancy.
There's wings to the fault behind play.
I'm dancing to rhythms of laughter.
- Hello. - Get in.
I think I will travel to Rio.
Using the music for flight.
There's nothing I know of in Rio.
But it's something to do with the night.
This is a tune I'm thinking of for the new coffee commercial.
So, I opened the door and there are in bed together.
- With Maggie on top? - Like she's in a rodeo.
Little Maggie? Who'd have thought it?
She's a sexpot.
- Hello. - Hello.
Sorry we haven't seen you all today. We decided to have a bit of a lie-in.
I think they all know what we had a little bit of actually.
There was an element of squeaking.
All right, I admit it.
We've been shagging all day.
- Well, what have you all been doing? - Maggie?
Shut up.
How's Ben?
My name is Mary.
I am an over-protective mother.
But I've only phoned twice today. And he's fine.
I'm still a little worried but I'm okay.
Well, just to keep you all up to date.
We're down now to 6. Carol's gone.
And Andrew's a bit upset about it.
So I wouldn't mention it if I were you.
And Brian has also gone.
I'm not upset. And you can mention it all you like.
Dinner time.
- Do we have salt anywhere? - Yes.
Well, congratulate me.
I seemed to have turned Andrew into an alcoholic,
Maggie into an eroto-maniac, and Sarah into a nun.
Roger and Mary seem all right,
but frankly I think they'd be happier at home.
It's not going exactly as I planned.
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
Five minutes to go.
Brian will be home by now.
I kind of miss him.
- Who was that who picked him up? - His wife.
New Year's fucking Eve.
Pope has a drink on New Year's Eve.
The Pope doesn't get unpleasant
Am I unpleasant, anyone?
There, you see.
I never really had a drinking problem.
I just went through the A.A. Crap
to keep Carol company.
Children, children, let's not fight.
- Ben's fine. - Good.
Can't you let one fucking hour go by...
without ringing the fucking baby sitter?
Andrew!
She's concerned about our child, Andrew.
No need to be aggressive.
Was that Roger the jingle writer? Did she speak?
I'd rather be Roger, the jingle writer
than Andrew, the miserable bastard.
I've never understood you.
I'd like to think it was Hollywood but you were like this 10 years ago.
- Like what? - Self-loathing.
I think you ought to apologise to Roger and Mary, Andrew.
Do you indeed? Well, I'm sorry.
Is anyone just going to comment
on that piece of human excrement that Sarah dragged in for us?
Who was that appallingly dreadful tosspot?
What the fuck was his fucking Greta Garbo story about?
At least he had the courage to leave his wife.
Yeah, for 24 hours.
That's not a divorce, that's a day trip.
You'll probably be stuck with
that Joan Collins impersonator all your life.
You're talking about the woman I almost love.
I've never seen anyone wear more make-up.
How does she take it off? With a chisel?
She's made Maggie here look ridiculous.
Sarah!
I think Maggie looks great.
Of course you do. You think Carol looks great.
Mary!
I will not have my ex wife,
future ex wife talked about like that.
I don't look ridiculous.
That's a horrible thing to say. You're just jealous.
- Please! - Look, look.
It's two minutes to midnight. Can we please not...?
Just try and be nice to each other.
There he goes: 'Try and be nice to each other.
'Cause it's New Year's fucking Eve, isn't it?
New Year's fucking Eve
at Peter's fucking New Year's fucking mansion.
Where Peter gets to be lord of the manor
and I get to regret ever leaving England.
Andrew, I know this isn't you speaking.
This is 'drunk-you'.
I'm trying to draw a veil over your behaviour,
but would you please shut the fuck up?
Yea, we could go and write our crappy play together.
And then everything would be okay, Peter, wouldn't it?
You are being so boring!
Well, why the fuck did you invite me?
Why the fuck any of us?
And why this year
and not any other bloody year?
Because all our lives are in such an optimum fucking mess,
that it needs Peter the saviour
to send us out in the world...
on New Year's Day
resurrected and directed.
And because I'm here to tell you if that's your aim, my old fruit,
from bitter personal experience, it hasn't worked.
Do you really want to know why I invited you here?
Yes, I do, your Lordship.
Well, I didn't think it was...
I wasn't sure whether I was going to tell you or not.
Given the way this evening has panned out...
I think it might be appropriate.
I invited you all here
because...
you all mean a lot to me...
as you know,
and...
I'm sorry, this is...
not very easy.
Because...
recently...
I had a blood test,
and it turns out I'm HIV positive.
I'm sorry, Andrew.
I didn't mean to sober you up that fast.
Well...
Happy New Year.
Come on!
Chaps...
Don't let me down.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year, Peter.
Happy New Year, Vera.
- Happy New Year, Peter. - Happy New Year, Peter.
I am an absolute...
dribbling arsehole.
I'm sorry, everybody.
I'm sorry, Peter.
I'm sorry, Peter.
Peter, how long have you known?
About six months.
I'm all right. You don't have to treat me any differently.
I haven't got AIDS, I've got the AIDS virus.
There's a big difference.
Statistically, there's every chance
that it'll be years before it becomes...
full blown.
You should have told us.
It isn't a very easy thing to tell.
Look, look.
Why don't we sit over there?
Just a few minutes.
Are you really feeling...
okay... now?
I'm fine.
Really,
I do get tired now and again, but...
as much as anything, it's this drug they've got me on now.
I intend to live a long time, thanks very much.
I'm going to out-live you all.
- Lf there's anything we can do. - Anything.
I'm so sorry, Peter!
He knows you're sorry, dear.
I love you.
I know, Andrew.
Vera, coffee?
Do you know who you got it from?
I haven't a clue, and I don't think it makes much difference if I did.
- Do you? - I guess not.
I mean, it's not as if it's anybody else's fault.
There's always a chance they'll discover a cure, isn't there?
They find new things...
Absolutely.
Look, I'm going to go down and get some bubbles.
Roger, why don't you get your guitar?
It's a party, for God's sake!
I wish you'd told me.
I thought you'd consider my plight
a deserved punishment.
How could you say that to me?
I've known you since you were a little boy.
I used to watch you drawing at that table.
I'm sorry.
I know you always disapproved
of the way I lived my life.
I didn't.
You had all that promise.
I hated seeing what you didn't do with your life.
And more, how unhappy it made you.
But I've always loved you.
How could you say that to me, Peter?
Vera, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to upset you.
I suppose it's too late for Auld Lang Syne.
Yeah.
Coffee?
Black, no sugar.
Come on, Andrew. Thanks, Vera.
Happy New Year.
Peter, if you wanted to stay with us, any of us...
- any time... - That's sweet of you, but...
I'm going to be fine. This is my home.
We can't let you stay here on your own.
I'll be fine.
- Are you sure? - No, but I'll give it my best shot.
I've got something very funny to show you.
Stay exactly where you are.
I can't believe he's coping so well.
I think he's fantastic.
- It makes you feel so helpless. - Exactly.
Mags, I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said.
I think you look fan... I think you look great.
I was trying to get back at Mr. Appropriate here.
I am sorrier than it is humanly possible to be.
Roger, I wouldn't blame you if you never spoke to me again.
Oh, shut up!
Look what I found.
The cabaret I persuaded you to do with my father's friends.
- Vera took the photo in the kitchen. - We didn't go down that well.
We went down as well as a dry souffle.
- Joined the land of the living? - I am so sorry.
Remember Paul dancing on the table, Vera?
He must have been about 7 then.
- Feel embarrassed, Maggie? - Have I missed something?
- No, no. - No, never mind.
- What song did we do? - Well, The Underground Song.
The fucking Underground Song! What a piece of shit!
- Who wrote that? - Guilty.
- I've always loved that song. - All right then, recite it.
I've got to go to "gotty, plotty"...
Let's all go down to Oxford Circus
past Trafalgar Square... Charing Cross.
Let's do it! Let's do it!
Not The Underground Song!
It's your punishment for being such a miserable bastard.
Here's your bowler and there's your umbrella. All right...
Under the arm.
Let's all go down to Oxford Circus
Let's all go down to Oxford Circus past Trafalgar Square.
And then from Charing Cross right up to Euston.
Then change to the Victoria, and then the Piccadilly...