Pocketful of Miracles CD1
God bless everybody.
Apples! Help an old lady. Buy an apple.
Bless you, mister.
A nickel. Thank you, Mr Rockefeller!
You lousy cheapskate.
Tallulah, good luck tonight!
Apples! Apples, madam?
Buy an apple? An apple, madam?
- Where'd you pick him up? - He's the new fella.
- Working the subway, huh? - He didn't pay you yet, did he?
I gave you five bucks last month.
Five bucks every month if you work Broadway, buster.
Hey, that's seven. Two of that's mine.
A nice long letter.
- Did it come today? - Yeah. I'll pass it around.
Now get going over to the Casino. There's a matinee.
- Hi, Smiley. - Hi, Annie. Been looking for you.
Dave the Dude wants to see you at Rudy Martin's.
-? Happy days... - Annie...
- I ain't paid this month. I'm a little short. - Sure you are.
Comes Christmas time, what you beg you put in the Santa Claus box.
- I know. I'm a sucker. - You are.
- Any mail? - Yeah. Over at the Casino.
Don't forget the Dude.
- Thanks, Annie. - Aw, shut up.
? P-racticality D-oesn't interest me
? Love the life that I lead
? I've got a pocketful of miracles
? And with my pocketful of miracles
? One little miracle a day is all I need
? T-roubles more or less B-other me, I guess
? When the sun doesn't shine
? But there's that pocketful of miracles
? And with my pocketful of miracles
? The world's a bright and shiny apple
? That's mine, all mine
Dude sent word he wants me.
On top of everything else, this one shows up.
All right. You got 14 fifths of Scotch... Just sit down, Annie. Five of the bourbon...
You know, Joy Boy, this morning was the first time I ever been to a funeral.
- Do you believe there's a life after? - Five of the gin and...
Why are you sittin' there like a dummy? Why don't you write it down?
If I could write I'd be in the navy.
Where's the Dude?
What is it with you? You can't wait 12 seconds?
You got an appointment at the beauty parlour with that mop?
Here, give me that. I'll write, you count.
If I could count I'd be in the army.
Why don't you laugh? It's funny.
If I could laugh I wouldn't have heartburn.
Wanna know why Rudy Martin was found in the river? There it is.
50 G's worth of I.O.Thems to the gambling boys. Hello, Annie.
There's a note. "Thanks for everything. Take care of my baby Queenie."
- What's "baby Queenie"? - Maybe he left you a horse.
- There's a Queenie running at Hialeah. - That's right. Hey, Powder!
- Thanks a lot. You did a good job in there. - For you, Dude, any time, boy.
Annie, is that the biggest apple you got? I need a triple shot of luck today.
This apple'll make the birds sing for you again.
I tell you, kid, you get another sucker like my boss, you can retire altogether.
This could only happen to a smart guy like you.
There's a man who owns a joint, gets knocked off owing you $20,000.
And on top of that, you get stuck for the funeral bill. Go figure that.
Fine thing you did, giving a poor soul a Christian burial.
Here's luck for you.
Something good's gonna happen to you now. Something real good.
Yeah. You could break a leg.
You give up panhandling, I'll give up bootlegging,
and you and me will run this speak together. Could be a gold mine, Annie.
No, I'm not kidding, Annie. Come on, let's see your gams.
- Oh, boy. Whoopee! - How about that, huh?
- Hello, suckers! - You old chiselling moocher.
- Here. Here's a fiver for your apple. - God bless you, Dude.
Annie, will you tell me, why do I always believe that your apples bring me luck?
Can you tell me?
Because the little people like you.
- What little people? - Oh, you can't see 'em.
They live in dreams.
Little people like me, huh? Why?
Because they like children, beggars and poets.
And that makes me a poet?
You want to believe in something.
Right now it's my apple.
So, the little people jump in it, see?
That's why this apple will bring you luck.
Why, you old con dame. Here's the only thing you believe in.
- There you go, Annie. - God bless you, Dude. God bless you.
- And bring you luck straightaway. - All right.
Hey, Annie! You stay away from those gin bottles. You hear me?
- I never touch it. - Yeah, sure.
- Are you Mr Dave the Dude? - I am. Don't drip on my suit.
What is this? Grand Central? Junior, close that door. There's liquor in here.
You lookin' for a job in the chorus, kid? The joint's closed, so try someplace else.
- And lock it! - I read this in a Maryland paper.
"Rudy Martin, gangland victim, was buried today."
"Dave the Dude arranged his funeral."
- Maryland? Old Rudy really got around. - I beg your pardon?
If you got money comin' to you, the Dude is not pickin' up the tab for Rudy's bills.
- Now be a nice girl. Take a walk. Bye. - Rudy Martin was my father.
You're Rudy's kid?
- You're Queenie? - Yeah. Well, that's what Papa called me.
Hey! She ain't a horse!
- Why didn't you show at the funeral? - I just read about it.
- You ain't pulling a fast one on me? - Mr Dude, I'm here because of you.
Papa came to see me last month and he was very worried.
He said "Queenie, if anything happens to me, here's the lease to my club."
"Give it to Dave the Dude. He's a right guy and I've got to pay him back."
So here it is. It's all signed and everything.
That's very nice, but the joint's in hock up to here.
The inventory won't pay for the flowers, so the lease is worth about a quarter.
Miss Martin, "Papa" owes me $20,000,
and a lot more to some guys who don't laugh so easy.
- That much? - That much.
Well, I've got a few dollars in the bank.
What I make at the cafeteria, I could manage five dollars a week.
- A cafeteria? - I'm cashier there.
The next one Howard... uh, Mr Porter opens, I'm gonna be manager.
Then I could give you a little more.
- It's five whole dollars. - The lucky apple is working already.
- Very big. - It's the best I can do.
Goodbye, Mr Dude. Thank you for being Papa's friend.
Yeah. I mean...
That's the first broad I ever seen who wanted to do something for you.
You know, maybe...
- Miss? - Hey, Dude! No! Come here!
You know, at $5 a week it'll take you 200 years to pay off your father's debt.
- I don't care if it takes a thousand years. - Take it easy. I got an idea.
For my boss it was the lucky apple that brought Queenie into his life.
Go figure - he's got a thing about Annie's apples.
So the Dude shoots the bankroll and promotes Queenie into a nightclub star.
Much to my surprise she ain't too bad.
And you know what? The club begins to make money.
And Queenie begins to pay off her papa's debts. Go figure that one.
By the second year, the club is a sensation.
We're in the big dough.
Step back. The elevator's coming up.
We're gettin' so big, the opposition begins playin' games with us.
The Dude kisses the old apple, but I know better: I kiss the iron doors.
But it was too good to last.
Suddenly the law pulls the rug out from under us bootleggers.
- Another dollar? - Stop squawkin', stop squawkin'.
I only raised you one buck. Tonight you can afford it.
Liquor's legal. The whole town's on a binge.
-? Baby, baby, baby -? Baby, baby, baby
-? Baby, baby, baby -? Baby, baby, baby
-? I love you -? I love you
? Hope you love me too
All right, you wonderful bunch of ex-lawbreakers.
This is the last night, the last song, and the last bottle's on the house!
Does that mean we'll be playin', Dude?
- You are a genius. You are a genius! - I know. Now tell me what happened.
- The big man is here. - I told you so, huh?
- And he's waitin' for you. - Let him wait.
- What man? - I told you to find Apple Annie.
I spread the word with the BBC - Beggars' Broadcast...
- Move it! - Yes, sir.
What are you gonna do? Wait around for some apple? What's the matter with you?
Listen, Dave. The big man don't wait easy. He could get very nasty.
- He could put on them dark cheaters. - I'm not leaving here until I get my apple.
All right. OK.
I'll go look in a few gutters myself.
- Did you get it? - Don't I always?
- Classiest stationery in the house. - God bless you, Herbie.
A blind man could read that. "Hotel Marberry."
- Give it to me. - When are you expecting another letter?
The mail boat comes in tomorrow.
You know, I could get fired for stealing your letters.
Herbie, you mustn't get fired. Please don't get fired.
Who keeps writing you from Spain, anyway?
None of your business.
A heavy lover, eh, Annie?
Yeah. King Alfonso.
But keep it quiet. The queen gets very jealous.
It's been two years I've been waiting for one like that. Come here, you.
- Dude... - Mmm? What?
The doorknob's killing me.
The doorknob, huh?
You gorgeous stack of cupcakes. Come here.
- Now, Dude... - Come on now, Queenie. You started this.
I was trying to thank you for everything.
That's the way to kill a man, not thank him. Come here.
- What's this? A party? - It's the Fourth of July.
- In December? - It's freedom day for both of us.
- You're through selling liquor. - Now it's legal, it's no fun.
- I sold the club today. - You did?
Did you bring 'em? Papa's IOUs?
I brought 'em.
There you are.
The last of Papa's debts.
Now we put them in the Easter fire and we burn the past.
- Now you can make it Christmas, Dude. - Happy New Year. How?
By saying you meant it when you asked me to marry you.
Honey, I'll marry you. I'll fight Dempsey, kiss a cop, anything.
Let's get started. Two years is a long wait.
Saturday, darling. 10am Saturday we get married. It's all set.
You're kidding. Really married? Us?
The real us. No more Dude and no more Queenie. To David and Elizabeth.
Mr and Mrs Conway of Silver Springs, Maryland, and their flock of children.
- Maryland? - Yeah.
You know the house I was born in? I bought it for us a year ago.
- You keep a secret real good. - Honey, I want to be married there,
in Mama's wedding dress by the preacher who married them.
Maybe I should go out and get my violin.
It's sappy, I know. But let me be sappy. I'm sick of being Queenie Martin.
Reverend Morgan's still down there.
He's 81 years old and he's still conducting Sunday services.
Dude, when I located him on the phone, he cried. Can you imagine?
I cried too. It was the wettest long-distance call...
Are you crying? I've never seen you cry.
When I'm happy - when I'm really happy - I'm a Niagara.
OK, Elizabeth. To us.
To the wedding in your mother's wedding dress... by the 81-year-old preacher.
- Oh, Dude, Niagara's coming! - Watch it. This stuff burns holes, baby.
- I'm sorry. - That's all right.
Dude, Annie's here. Let's go.
- Annie? - I'll be right out!
What do you need an apple for? What more luck do we need?
You just gave me a wedding present - the place in Maryland.
I'm gonna give you one. An all-year house on a silver platter.
- The whole city of New York. - I don't want New York.
I want a little town in Maryland where I can play the wife-and-mother bit.
You can shake this. You didn't want it in the first place.
- But I'm a man who needs a little action. - Action?
Hey, Dude, the man is waitin'.
- All right, all right. - What man? Who are you seeing tonight?
I'm making a meet with our future, sweetheart. Mr Big himself.
- Not Darcey? - You're right. Darcey.
Dude, no. You're not going to Chicago?
No. The mountain is coming to the Dude. I'm not going to Chicago.
Darcey in New York? The police said they'd never let him in.
They didn't let him in. I did.
Please, not Darcey. He's an animal. He's a murderer. He's Public Enemy No.1.
- It's all headlines. - Dude, will you move it? Let's go.
Your car's outside. We can be in Maryland by morning. We can make it legal.
If you love me, don't depend on some witch's apples.
- Let's get away. We'll be real people. - Simmer down, sweetheart. Come on.
We go out into the sticks, what kind of work am I gonna do?
You're young. You can make a name, money...
What's money? I started at the bottom in this town and I'm going right up to the top.
I can outsmart those monkeys. I've been doing it all my life.
Ever since I escaped from that orphanage.
And why? Because I'm good and because I'm lucky.
I'm gonna be somebody, and you're gonna be somebody with me.
Dude, if you shack up with Darcey you can forget the wedding.
Isn't she gorgeous?
- Heads. - Oh...!
- What's grabbin' her? - It's nothing. She just wants a lot of kids.
Kids? Boy, they're mean when they get on that kick.
Annie, where you been? Playing Chase Me Charlie?
And where were you Saturday? I couldn't beat a race.
God bless you, Dude. I wasn't feelin' so hot Saturday.
- Ginned up again? - No, Dude. Honest, I'm off the stuff.
About time. Dr Michel says your kidneys are shot.
Aw, pooh. My kidneys are as good as new - better.
You think we could postpone this discussion of Annie's kidneys?
Lots of luck, Dude.
Save a lot of trouble if you bought the whole basket at once.
I gotta buy these apples one at a time just before I need 'em.
We were both bums until we found that out.
Let's go. Pick-up point, the warehouse.
God bless Dave the Dude.
God bless all my friends.
That's the boss.
- Dude's here. Set? - Set.
- He's got his dark cheaters on, boss. - Uh-oh.
Late for what?
Late for what? For 48 hours I've been knocking around in this cage
all the way from Chicago.
Don't any of you guys ever inhale?
Like being in solitary, only it moves.
Fine thing, some two-bit operator sends for me in his upholstered boxcar
and first thing you know, I'm being hauled all over the country like a side of beef.
- This your layout? - Yeah. I built it.
See these walls? Bulletproof.
In town it's neutral territory, even when there's a war on. I call it Little Switzerland.
What do the cops call it? They find me in this town, you can stop the presses.
There's ten vans just like this hauling real furniture around. Here you're safe.
That picture's ten years old.
Relax, Darcey. Take it easy. Be my guest.
Your guest? Ever occur to you that I could also be your prisoner? Ever think of that?
Yeah, I gave it a quick think.
Maybe you'd better give a long think to a guy by the name of Stiff Arm Sam.
He once thought he could hold me too.
Stiff Arm? The guy that walks around like this?
Yeah, with the blowtorch in the armpits.
That's right. That's my idea, the blowtorch.
It must've hurt.
It's against the law to carry firearms in New York, Darcey. Right, Joy Boy?
That's right. Here in New York you gotta have a permit.
- Nothin', boss. - Yeah. It's beginnin' to figure.
They tell me you've been operatin' ten years in this town without a pinch.
Yeah. Luck, Mr Darcey. Pure luck.
I heard about the luck bit. The thing with the lucky apples.
The wise guys figure that's two strikes against you.
- Oh? - Yeah.
They say you gotta buy them lucky apples off of some little old lady, right?
And if something happens to her...
Could be like Samson gettin' his first haircut.
Look, Darcey. I got news for you. You see these apples?
I buy 'em by the crate at the nearest grocery store.
The wise guys want to believe these apples bring me luck,
it's two strikes against them.
You know about psychology, huh?
Yeah, I know about... whatever you call it.
It's like your dark glasses. You put those on, the boys sweat from here to Omaha.
Me? I use apples.
All right. Shall we quit clowning?
I like the way this kid operates, yeah.
Smart boy. Smart dresser, too.
- You like that? - Oh, yeah. It's rich.
- He likes it. - Mind if I try that on?
No. Why not? Give him a hand, Junior.
Hold it, Junior.
They say you're a smart operator.
Gotta give you credit. You won the first round. This is round two comin' up now.
- How does it look? - Great.
Nice colour, huh?
I got maybe eight, ten top candidates for this job.
All smart, tough, hard-headed guys, and I can take my pick of any one of 'em.
Now suppose you tell me, in ten words or less, like a telegram,
why should Steve Darcey give the New York territory to Dave the Dude?
Go ahead, talk.
- That's a good question. Right, Joy Boy? - Beautiful.
- Got an answer? - No.
- Got a question? - Yeah.
Ask it - in ten words, like a telegram.
Why should Dave the Dude give New York territory to Darcey?
That's eleven, but...
- Are you his mouthpiece? - Call me his doormat.
Why don't you lay down and act like one?
Darcey, Joy Boy happens to be my friend,
and all my friends are nine feet tall and make very bad doormats.
You bootleggers, you were nine feet tall.
All big fish in a little pond, but all of a sudden all the little ponds are dryin' up.
That's where the king comes in. I'm makin' me a national syndicate.
I'm gonna push some of you gaspin' sharks back in the water.
But it's gonna be my water. It'll cover the whole country.
- Deep water. - Deep, huh?
How deep? Dames? Dope? That's a little over my head.
Come on. That's bush league.
We're gonna operate from presidential suites.
We're gonna elect judges, contribute to charities, finance operas.
We're gonna be in the big, profitable business
of catering for all human weaknesses.
- What would be my cut? - Your cut? The New York territory?
Right down the middle. If you're the right guy.
He's the only guy.
There's one more little detail. We request the franchise holders to put up $50,000.
In small bills.
As a token of their good faith.
- Who's driving? - Herman.
- Herman? - Yeah.
Take Mr Darcey anywhere he wants to go while he's in town. He's my guest.
- Drop me off at the nearest goods stop. - OK, boss.
Wait a minute. You're not interested?
No, not right now.
Because, you see, this is one fish that isn't jumping into anybody's pond
unless I'm paid $100,000 in cash as a token of your good faith.
You want the syndicate to pay you?
I'm the lucky one, remember?
All right, boys, let's go. We got some ponds that need watering real bad.
Oh, if you get an itch for any of those human weaknesses yourself, just holler.
This is my town, Darcey.
Wait a minute. Like I said, I like your style.
But you know the rules as good as I do, kid.
The king makes an offer, the king gets turned down, the king loses face.
On a king that coat looks good.
That guy is gonna play on my side or he ain't gonna play at all.
If it was me, I'd warm up the blowtorch.
- Any mail? - Tomorrow.
Ooh! He uses a blowtorch on people? What does he do - weld 'em?
King. I don't like that guy.
Be fun to take him apart, huh, Joy Boy?
Be a load of laughs. All the way up to our funeral.
Lying all over my poor baby's picture.
As if it were the only place to sleep.
I just love Annie's music.
for... Lord... Ferncliffe.
Here's to Lord Ferncliffe.
"You will notice I have increased your allowance this year."
"It breaks my heart that I have not been able to see you all these years,
but Dr Michel still insists an ocean voyage could be fatal."
The old crab.
"Your stepfather thought he might be able to make the trip this year."
You didn't know you had a stepfather, did you?
Neither did I.
"The young man you wrote about sounds perfectly divine."
"I hope he loves you as much as you love him."
And as much as I love you,
Herbie, the boat's in. Did you...
Where's your uniform?
You gin-guzzling witch. On account of you I got the sack.
- Herbie, you can't get fired. - Can't, eh?
They caught me putting your lousy letter in my pocket.
- Where is it? - What am I gonna tell my old lady?
- Where's my letter? - I don't know. They took it away from me.
Annie! You can't go in there! Annie!
You must be in the wrong place, ma'am. Pedlars aren't allowed.
I beg your pardon.
Oh, my gracious stars.
I have some mail here. A letter?
From Barcelona, Spain?
- A letter? - It came for me this morning.
Are you stopping here, my good woman?
No, I'm not.
But I do have a letter here. Please.
- What is your name? - Mrs E Worthington Manville.
Mrs E Worthington Manville?
Mrs E Worthington Manville.
Good afternoon, Mrs Manville. Is there anything I can do for you?
There's a letter here for me. I'd like to get it.
A letter? Addressed to the Hotel Marberry?
Yes. I told that fella all about it.
Are you sure you're not mistaken, my dear lady?
No, I'm not mistaken. I've been getting my letters here for years.
Madam, you're not a guest of the Marberry, are you?
- Of course not. Any fool could see that. - Please, there's no necessity for shouting.
Then why don't you give me my letter? Why keep asking stupid questions?
Madam, I'm compelled to ask you to leave these premises.
- No. Not till I get my letter. - Shall I call the police, Mr Cole?
Send for the police. I'm no criminal. I haven't done anything.
Please, mister. I don't want to make any trouble.
I just want my letter, that's all.
It's from my daughter, see.
It came all the way from Spain. She...
She thinks I'm somebody.
Yes, Mr Cole?
Do you recall a letter addressed to a Mrs Manville?
- Mrs E Worthington Manville. - E Worthington...
Why, yes. It came this morning.
- You see? I told you. - Let her have it.
God bless you. God bless you!
- What are you waiting for? Get the letter. - But I sent it back.
- You sent it back? - I returned it marked "Party not known".
You can't send it back. She'll find out that I don't live here. Don't you see?
- Has the mail gone out yet? - Yes. The boy picked it up a twinkle ago.
Look. There he is now.
Boy! Yoo-hoo! Stop!
She can't do that in here. Stop her.
Don't put any more letters in that box!
Where do you think you are? Madam!
There it is. I'd know it anywhere.
- Thank you, sir. - Leave this hotel at once.
Bless you, sir.
My letter. Where's my letter?
- Grab my hand. - Grab her hand. Here we go. Up.
- I'm all right. Let me go. - There you are.
Just as I said: with Prohibition repealed,
you'll see our streets full of nasty old drunks like that.
Listen, Flyaway. Are you the smartest agent in town, or you're just a lot of talk?
Your butter I don't need.
You want four bodyguards? They get 100 a week, I get 100.
- With guns. - Then I get 200.
- Why you? They got the guns. - What's guns? I got the permits.
All right. They gotta be from out of town, dress nice and only shoot in self-defence.
You want four Tom Mixs.
- You don't owe me a favour? - Do I owe you a movie star?
You were in deep trouble. I sneaked you out of town in Little Switz.
- What do you want? My wife? - Which one?
Who do you want protected?
But he can't know nothin' about it.
The Dude? I wouldn't do that for one million dollars!
- Hey, what are you talkin' about? - The Dude is hot.
I never was here. Get yourself the marines.
What? Hey, you creep, where are you goin'?
It was all over town in two minutes. He insulted a king.
King? What king?
Who remembers faces? I don't remember...
- Queenie. - It was open.
- Where's the king of New York? - Where you been?
The Dude's lookin' for you. He read Winchell.
Just returning a few items I won't need any longer.
Two kings of New York, and one needs a bodyguard? He ain't my client.
Flyaway, stay here. I gotta talk to you.
Hey, Flyaway, there's a 10G bonus.
Junior, what do you want?
I am here with two representatives of our out-of-town friend, Mr Bigelow.
- Bigelow? What Bigelow? - The Chicago Big...elow.
He wants to see the boss right away to negotiate a deal.
Holy cow. The deal is still on and the Dude ain't here.
Look, Junior, you gotta stall 'em, because I gotta think in my head.
Tell him to hurry up. Mr B has a touch of mal de mer.
Mal de what?
Oh, you mean seasickness.
Just get the car and come right over. Wait a minute. He's gonna need an apple.
Stop off at Schubert Alley, get the bag and her apples. Don't stop to play stickball.
- You. There you are. - Hey, Dude. The man's on the phone.
The man wants to negotiate a deal!
- Is this true, what I read in Winchell's? - I suppose you can read.
Why, you two-timing dame. Are you leaving me for that cafeteria clown?
Yeah. The wedding's Saturday.
You two-timing dame. You ain't even been one-timed!
You ain't walking out on me after what I did for you.
I took you from nothing and made you into something.
So I could become a gangster's flashy moll? Not me, mister!
You ain't walking out on me. You hear me, Queenie? I'm Dave the Dude.
I'm not walking. I'm running!
Now you listen to me, Queenie. Watch it!
- You...! - Watch it, Queenie.
- What are they doing? - Playing house. What, are you still here?
- The bodyguards. I just thought of four... - Look, I'm a busy man.
What's the matter with you? Take a walk! Out!
No, you're not going out that door.
You owe me one thing, Queenie, and I'm gonna collect.
You ain't leaving here with that halo still on your head.
This place is like the inside of a goat's stomach. Hey, Dave? Dave?
Hey, Dave. Look, I don't wanna butt in. Excuse me for interruptin', Dave, but...
- Dave... - Man, you have the worst sense of timing.
I hate to interrupt,
- but I just got a message from Junior. - From Darcey? What did he say?
- Get me a pair of pants. - Change your own diaper!
I said pants me! And fix yourself up. Make yourself decent. What'd he say?
In front of her? She's marrying JP Cafeteria.
I don't care if she marries J Edgar Hoover. Now what did he say?
Dave, I could hardly believe it, but Darcey wants to meet with you again, right away.
- Didn't I tell you he'd come around? - Yeah, that he'd come around.
Look, this is worth millions. Let's not blow the whole cake to win a little crumb.
Will you stop worrying?
- Others pay him. Why should he pay you? - I'm Dave the Dude, not one of the others.
- Now go get Annie. - Yeah, go get Annie.
That's all taken care of. Junior's bringing her over right now.
Why don't you look where you're going?
- We're on our way. - You're keepin' Darcey waitin'.
- So let him wait. - You can't. The man is king.
The king loses face, our heads go on display in the marketplace.
You've been reading books again. Where the hell is Annie?
Big shots. Big dopes!
Your life depends on a beggar's apples, and this superstitious heel...
- Are you still here? - You'll wind up in the federal pen.
Or swimming with your feet in cement, like Papa.
- That's why I'm marrying Howard Porter. - Don't keep the groom waiting.
- Not another minute! - Get back in there.
- If I could only cry! - Queenie!
Dude, I can't find Apple Annie anywhere. She ain't nowhere, I'm telling you.
I hope she croaks!
What do you mean, you can't find her anywhere?
All you gotta do is ask any panhandler on Broadway.
- There ain't no panhandlers on Broadway. - What?
There ain't a beggar on the street.
It's scary. It's like Broadway was naked. I'm ashamed to look at it.
Hi, Mr Dude, fellas.
Well, the Easter Parade's a little early this year.
- No panhandlers on Broadway, huh? - I didn't see 'em before, boss.
- I should drop dead... - Maybe you should.
It's only an expression.
- Any of you crumbs seen Apple Annie? - Yeah, I saw her.
One at a time. You.
- It's about Annie. - What about Annie?
- She's in a pickle. - Pickled. I can believe that.
Mallethead saw her on the waterfront, in the water looking.
She was stumblin' along, talkin' to herself.
She was sobbing. It's good I ran into her.
- So she got a package on. - It's worse than bein' swacked.
She was swiping stationery from the Marberry Hotel.
- And writin' letters to her daughter. - Daughter? That old bag?
She's a woman, ain't she?
- What's this about a daughter? - Annie's got a daughter in Spain.
Raised in a convent since she was a baby.
- She's comin' to visit, bringing a count. - She's gonna marry a count or somethin'.
- What is this, a rib? - Annie sends her money every month.
And we've been lettin' her shake us down cos we knew.
We all are godfathers. We all got a piece of the kid.
We figure you're a godfather too. You got the biggest piece.
- Me? - You give Annie big tips for her apples.
- It's why her apples were lucky for you. - We got a business appointment to keep.
- You keep it. Just stall 'em. - How am I gonna stall 'em?
I'll be along as soon as I get my apple. Now move it. Move it.
- Where is Annie? - At her flop. I'll show you.
- Come on, Queenie. She may be sick. - Not me. I got a date with Howard Porter.
Never mind Howard Porter. I need you.
Maybe Annie needs you too, the way your old lady did.
- Now, just a minute. - Move it.
No panhandlers on Broadway! Keep your mind off that dizzy blonde of yours.
I don't think about her during the daytime, boss.
Well, if it isn't my dear friend Dave the Dude and his charming broad.
She's just bagged again. Annie, you had me worried. Where's the bottle?
So nice of you to come. The butler will take your things.
Lovely estate you have here, Lady Chatterley.
It's nothing, really. Just something I keep for the hunting season.
Everybody's coming down for the hunting season, don't you know.
The flea hunt, isn't it?
What are you trying to do? Knock yourself off?
Doc Michel told you this paint'll poison you.
Dude, look. The old lady's had her moments.
This on the emmis? You really got yourself a kid?
Don't sit there slobbering. Answer me. Is this your kid?
- No. - Those crumbs, taking me for a sucker.
- My baby! - All right, Annie. Stand up. It's all right.
Dude knows all about it. He's a godfather too.
I don't want you casing the waterfront again.
I was born in a place like this and I don't wanna come back. That's why I need you.
What's all this malarkey about a kid?
She's coming over with a count. She's going to marry his son.
They're coming over to meet me.
Wait till they get a load of Apple Annie. That'll be a laugh. Eh, Dude?
Wait till they meet her crummy old lady. Eh, Queenie?
And see this dump.
Annie, you can't do this. Come on now, you old souse. Get up out of there.
Take it easy. She's an old souse maybe, but she's full of dreams.
- She's full of gin. Where are the apples? - Here are your lousy apples.
Old fool, getting herself in a jam like this.
Now come on, let's go.
You're acting like Darcey already. You can't leave her.
You want me to tuck her in bed? Sing her a lullaby? Come on.
And her daughter? By the time she gets here, she'll be in a psycho ward.
She'll sleep it off. She'll be all right in the morning. I'll send Dr Michel. Come on.
What am I going to do, Queenie? What am I going to do?
Poor creep. Some Dude must've gotten in your blood once too.
Come on, Queenie! I'm way past post time.
I got troubles, Annie, but boy, you... you need a miracle.
What am I going to do?
What are you gonna do, Mr Dude?
- About what? - About Miss Annie.
- What do you expect me to do? - You could get her into the Marberry.
Apple Annie in the Marberry? You're crazy.
- Just for a week. - Now listen, Mr Dude.
We already took up a collection, we did.
We all chipped in 65 bucks to get her in.
You did? Well, 65 bucks is a tip at the Marberry. You're all bats.
- What about your playboy friend? - Rodney Kent.
- He's got a penthouse at the Marberry. - You keep out of this. Move it, Junior.
Annie at the Marberry... I said move it!
His luck is gonna turn awful bad.
Apple, be lucky today.
All you little people in there, you start workin' real hard.
All right. When you get home, call Doc Michel to see Annie.
She'll be all right. She's on a bender, that's all.
Hmm? Ain't it a fact? You've seen her swacked before.
What the hell do I care? I got what I want: the city of New York.
This great big town and those heels that pushed me around, it's all mine now,
stretched right out on a silver platter.
Cos Darcey's come around to my way.
What do I need that old apple souse for anyhow?
You know, they say luck is superstition.
Nah, it ain't superstition at all. You know what it is?
Luck is an art. An art I got.
So I lose the old lady and her apples. So what?
Apple Annie at the Marberry Hotel?
What do you expect me to do, for cryin' out loud?
Look, will you say something?
Look, will you say something?
OK, Mr Big Shot. Now keep your date with Darcey.
And no more gin, huh?
Hey, boss. These rich guys use chequers with horses on 'em.
Put that down!
I oughta have my head shrunk, doing this.
You at the Marberry! Why didn't you swipe stationery from the White House?
You could've said you were Eleanor Roosevelt.
- Whom did you wish to see, sir? - Is this here Rodney Kent's igloo?
This is Mr Kent's penthouse, yes, but unfortunately Mr Kent is in Havana.
He is? Well, where'd you get the idea that I give a hang where he is?
- I just assumed... - Come over here.
I'm gonna tell you something that'll make you wet all over.
I don't care anything about Rodney Kent.
I'm lookin' for Dave the Dude.
- Who is that? - He's here, ain't he?
Well, what are you standin' there for, growin' in the carpet? Take me to him.
Wait here, will you, please?
There is no carpet.
Sir? A gentleman. Rather primitive.
You tryin' to make me crazy? What's goin' on?
Come here, come here.
- Where you been? - Where have I been?
- I've had to do everything myself. - I've been through a meat grinder.
For 24 hours I've been locked up in Little Switz
listening to that seasick gorilla. I'm alibiing like crazy.
- What are you alibiing for? - For you, for not showing up.
So I didn't show up. How'd you leave the big man, hm?
- Headfirst and landed in the gutter. - Good.
Says he won't talk to messenger boys. Says he barbecues them.
- Used the blowtorch, eh? - Says next time I'll be inside the shirt.
Bluffing, Joy Boy. That's his psychology. Pay no attention to him.
- What's this? - Meet the new queen of society.
This is Annie, the Duchess of Apples.
What's your daughter doing in Spain?
Who's her father?
Aw, boss, that ain't a polite question to ask a dame like Annie.
Wait a minute. You tellin' me Rodney Kent gave you his apartment for this owl?
Yeah. He's a bigger sucker than I am. He even threw in the butler.
Not against my will, sir. I love Cinderella stories. Don't you, sir?
Take a walk, huh?
- Junior, what happened to Queenie? - I don't know.
Dave, you gotta forget all this. You gotta meet with Darcey.
That's the deal of a lifetime. That's our living. What is all this?
I don't know. And I don't want you to tell me.
But what are you? A boy scout? Are you a tambourine shaker?
A million do-gooders are standin' in line to help the hardly-ables like Apple Annie.
Stay in there and pitch, sister.
You see, you're Dave the Dude, not Little Boy Blue.
What are you talking about? Little Boy Blue? Come here.
- Ain't she always been lucky for me, huh? - Yeah, yeah.
If I don't help her out of this jam, how long d'you think my luck would last?
You wanna help her? Help her. But you can't palm that crocodile off as society.
She couldn't fool a pedigree cocker spaniel.
- We'd have to clean her up some. - Some? Look at her.
A ragpicker wouldn't stick his hook into her.
Well, here they are. The miracle workers.
Here's my maid, manicurist, hairdresser, chiropodist, masseuse,
and the pièce de résistance, Pierre of the Saxon Plaza. Pierre the divine.
- Take a bow, toots. - Madame.
All right, gang. Here's your challenge.
Come on, Annie. Stand up and meet your makers.
This has got to be a complete overhaul, kids, from top to bottom.
- Don't forget a new set of kidneys. - Let's go, Annie.
Come on, wizards. Let's wiz.
My old lady always said you can't make a pig's ear out of an old sow.
Monsieur, your old lady was not Pierre.
- Wait a minute. He can't go in there. - Oh, that's all right.
Believe me, fellas, it's all right.
- Hey, boss, you payin' for all of this? - Fun, eh?
Let's see if we can get it back from the bookies. What's running at Hialeah?
- Here's the morning lineup. - Thanks. Read 'em off to me.
People! Go figure them.
- Scratch 5, 7 and 12. - Right.
It's important that these apples are kept here all the time.
- What's your handle? - Pardon?
- Your name. - It's Hutchings, sir. Hutchings. With a g.
OK, Hutch. This oughta take care of the help for a while. Split it up amongst them.
- They know to keep their mouths shut? - And their ears.
- Told 'em what'd happen if they didn't? - Yes, sir.
Don't do that, please.
Oh, my feet. I never wanna see shoes again.
Gentlemen, may I present Mrs E Worthington Manville.
She's like a cockroach what turned into a butterfly!
I'll never forget this.
God bless you.
Well... You... You could've fooled anybody.
Well, you're gonna need a little walking-around money, so...
here you go.
I guess everything's all set now, huh?
Good luck, Annie.
Joy Boy, Junior, come on.
- How do we contact Little Switz? - They call your apartment every hour.
- We make the next call. - Hey!
- Where do you think you're going? - I did what you wanted, didn't I?
I postponed my wedding a week because you asked me to make a lady out of her.
Don't think you can run off and leave me holding the bag. No offence, Annie.
Look, woman, the Dude has gotta make some bread.
If I can stall my wedding, he can stall his short cut to Sing Sing.
For Pete's sakes, Queenie, what else do you want?
I don't want anything. But what about the husband she's supposed to have?
- Husband? - That's a man who marries a woman.
- Whose husband? - Annie's!
The Honourable E Worthington Shmerthington! Who's gonna dig him up?
does expect a stepfather.
Well... go get her one.
- Can't you do anything yourself? - Who's she gonna get?
- Shimkey, the blind man? Or Smiley? - You find her one.
You're the one who needs her, Mr Big, not me.
I got cafeterias. I don't need apples.
The Dude's whole future depends upon this deal. Can you get off his back?
His whole future depends on Annie, and don't you forget it, frog-face.
- You're a troublemaker. - You're a selfish schtoonk!
All right, all right, all right! I'll find her a... a husband.
This is beautiful. All right, Joy Boy, go tell Darcey that the Dude ain't available
cos he's diggin' up a husband for some old souse cos he's nuts about her apples.
Where am I gonna find a husband?
Where am I gonna find a husband? In Macy's basement?
They don't sell 'em there, boss.
I think he'd be just precious!
Oh, that would be a great idea.
There's only one problem.
I got a wife that's very fussy.
She don't like for me to go around marryin' people!
Now, I know that might sound very selfish to you,
but she's very funny that way.
I know his wife. He's right. She's a selfish buffalo.
- Dude? - What?
I got an idea.
I know one real gentleman I'm sure we can trust.
We? Oh, now we're all partners!
You know Judge Blake?
Judge Henry G Blake. That's our man.
When did you ever trust a judge?
For a proposition like this we need a guy with class, with dignity,
a gentleman of the old school, and...
Judge Blake, the guy that told you you could shoot pool was yankin' your ankle.
Sucker's ready to bite.
Up in Providence, where I'm out of, an amateur like you would lose his pants.
An excellent argument for never visiting Providence.
I hate to do this to you, Judge, but I got a reputation to keep up.
- And that does it. - Astonishing!
Willie Hoppe couldn't do better.
You pool-hall poltroons.
Once again you lured me into a game with a master, solely for your own amusement.
- You're just warmin' up. Another game? - I came here to slay a sombre afternoon,
not to be made sport of by Pecksniffian oafs.
Aw, go on, Judge. It's only a nickel a ball.
What do you say we double the bet one time?
Ten cents a ball? Why, that's a veritable fortune.
- Afraid, huh, Judge? - Afraid?
- I'll make it 50 cents a ball. - OK. You got yourself a deal.
Attendant, rack 'em up.
If you will excuse me, while you break, I'll have a word with an associate justice.
Greetings, my intellectual giant. What brings you down to Kew in lilac-time?
The Dude wants to see you.
Your master's timing is most regrettable, my dear Junior.
- I have a plump pigeon in my sights. - Huh?
Within the hour Providence is going to provide next month's room rent.
- Come on, Your Honour. It's your shot. - By your leave, sir. My pigeon is cooing.
A little shaky, huh, Judge?
My boy, the impatient blade is about to descend...
on your red hick's neck.
That was the bedroom.
Over here, that's the billiard room.
Down here's the guest rooms.
- Pretty classy layout, huh, Judge? - Lovely, lovely.
The beauty of the Taj Mahal, the serenity of Melrose Abbey.
Sir, "If thou wouldst view fair Melrose aright..."
"Go visit it by the pale moonlight."
"For the gay beams of lightsome day Gild, but to flout, the ruins grey."
- Oh, my! - To Scott.
- He'll do. - Yeah.
Judge, think you could force yourself to shack up here for a week?
- Is he for real? - He comes with the coop.
If this is a deal, you get yourself a new set of rags and 100 clams.
What do you expect from me for all this opulence? I'm a poor hand at violence.
You're a lock for this gag. All you gotta do is be a husband.
A husband? lmpossible. I'm twice a widower now,
thanks to my fleetness of foot and the grace of distance.
No, you don't have to marry the dame. Just be a husband for one week.
Queenie! Come here a minute, will you?
Judge, you've heard of Queenie Martin, haven't you?
My cup runneth over.
Queenie, meet the judge.
I told you I'd find you a good husband.
Madam, this is a great honour,
a rare experience,
and a pulsating pleasure.
Oh, Your Honour.
Yeah. With a new set of clothes he'll just make it fine.
Thank you. I'll do my best. But at my age the libido is most unpredictable.
Don't worry about that.
- What'd you say? - Your humble servant, madam.
And your eager spouse.
- That's the best offer I've had all day. - No wonder he's drooling.
Listen, you fricasseed Casanova. Not her. You're gonna marry Apple Annie.
- Apple Annie? - Apple Annie.
Even as a jest, Dude, that's an insult.
Apple Annie. Preposterous!
A creature of the pavements, a... a... a frowsy hag, with the breath of a dragon.
Sir, despite my larcenous impulses, I am a gentleman.
Good afternoon, Annie.
Annie, the judge was just saying how pleased he'll be to be your husband.
Thank you, Judge.
I'm deeply grateful.
The pleasure, I assure you,
dear kind and charming lady,
is entirely mine.
You're all set now, Annie. You got yourself a husband. Now you'll go to the boat.
Yeah. God bless you, Dude. God bless you.
Joy Boy, let's go.
Sure you don't wanna kill a couple of hours, take some family pictures?
Sir, pardon me.
I will see that everything is done, sir, notwithstanding my cardiac.
- What? - Oh, you can trust me, sir.
I've had commando training. The Boer War, you know.
I shall need at least a score of your henchmen, very rugged ones.
- A hollow square will hold them. - What are you talking about?
The ship's reporters. They interview the arriving celebrities.
They will want to know from the count why he came to America.
Holy Toledo. I forgot about the reporters.
- Why didn't you think of that? - Why didn't I think of it?
Come on, Junior. We gotta round up the boys. What time does the ship get in?
I hope it sinks.
Take a walk.
Has she seen the kid yet?
- She's still looking. - She's still looking.
- How do I look? - Beautiful. Like a star.
I can hardly believe it. In a few minutes I'll have my baby in my arms.
P S 2004
P T U
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