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- Do you see her yet? - No, not yet. Dude, stay close to me. I'm so frightened. At least the boat's on time. - What about reporters? - I took care of 'em. The Dude has woven a chain of missing links around us. Hey, look. There's Dave the Dude. Yeah, with his whole mob. Let's stick around. I've been waiting ten years to pin something on that Dude. There she is! There she is! Louise! Louise! Louise, darling! Louise! Louise! Louise! Louise! Louise! Louise! She saw me. She recognised me. Louise! Mama! Mama! Mama! My baby. My baby. My Louise. I can't believe it, after all these years. Why, you're a grown woman. - And so beautiful. - Oh, Mama, you are too. I would've known you anywhere. What are they doin' now, Sal? Huggin' and kissin'. Is she happy? - She's crying. - She's crying. I want you to meet Count Alfonso Romero and his son Carlos Romero. This is my mother. - How do you do? - Madam. How do you do? Darling, this is your stepfather, Judge Manville. Mother's written me so much about you, Father. I want you to meet Count Romero and his son Carlos. - How do you do? - Welcome to America, my dear Count. We've looked forward to your visit with considerable relish. This is a glorious moment for everyone. Oh, how stupid of me. - Louise, this is your, um... - Aunt. Aunt Betty. - Aunt Betty. - And Uncle David. - I never knew I had an aunt and uncle. - Yes, dear. David is your father's brother. I'm so pleased. Mother never wrote a word about you. That's because he's always been the black sheep of the family. May I present Count Romero, and Carlos Romero. This is my Aunt Betty and my Uncle David. - How do you do? - Nice to meet you. Will you excuse me? Excuse me. I'm the ship news reporter. You lookin' for somebody, kid? What is it? - You talking to me? - No, your Aunt Tillie. - They made me the ship news reporter. - No kiddin'? - I gotta check the passengers. - There's no passengers on that boat. - What do you call those people? - Spanish sailors. They all dress like that. - Hey, what kind of a gag is this? - This is no gag. You gotta go to pier four. - The Jersey ferry just hit an iceberg. - Then it got shot up by a submarine. - One of ours. - A catastrophe. - Terrible thing. - Worse than the Lusitania. Take this man to pier four in the Bronx. - Pier four ain't in the Bronx. - It's in the Bronx. It moved. - How many is that? - That's five, and we're runnin' out of cars. You wait here while I get Count Romero. You will come with me. Take a walk. I want you to take some very good pictures of the count. - Can I help you, mister? - I doubt it, sir. - I am the Spanish consul and... - I was just looking for you. - You were? - Yes. Immigration. We're holding Count Romero because of some rare Spanish disease. Rare disease? But there is no such thing as a Spanish disease. - Lieutenant. - Yes, Sergeant? It's worse than expected. They say they'll take the count away in a straitjacket. I'm sure the consul here can straighten things out. - Take the consul to the count's cabin. - Aye aye, sir. - This way. - Don't get too close to the count. This is fantastic! I am going to take this to the secretary of state himself. You should, sir. Looks like the Dude's got a new swindle going. The Dude's too smart to pull anything in the open. Let's go. Wait a minute. Let's have a little chat with him anyway. OK. Gangway. Gangway. Gangway. Mr Dude, sir, a couple of coppers are comin' to put the arm on you. Holy cow. Junior, start a brannigan. Sock the Weasel. - Sock the Weasel? He's my brother! - Don't argue. Sock the Weasel. - Hey, Weasel. How's Ma? - Ma's OK. She's all right. Good. Ma told you not to hit me no more! Fight! - Amscray. A couple of ullbays. - Folks, I think we'd best be on our way. Hi, fellas. Boy, have I seen New York in the past four days! Boss, Queenie says for you to eat these sandwiches. - How's tricks with the social mob? - It's going so great, I'm scared. First thing, breakfast on gold plates. Then Queenie herds us into the car and we go sightseeing all over. Did you know New York was an island? - What do you want, boss? - Got a pastrami? Yeah. Ma thought I was nuts. Hey, Joy Boy. We passed by a zoo, and what do you think I saw? A cow! Here's your yoghurt. - Guess who's buried in Grant's Tomb. - Will you leave me alone with the tomb? You're sure the count ain't talked to nobody? Count Romero? He don't get a chance to talk to himself. When the judge runs out of gas about cowboys and Indians, Queenie sings. - Enough already! Please! - You ain't heard nothin' yet. You should see the way Annie looks at her daughter - like she was a banana split. Hey, boss, those two kids better get married, or else they're gonna bust. See? I told you guys. Helping that old doll... it kinda gets me, right here. You know what I mean? You know, boss, it gets me too. Only higher. I hate to tell you where it gets me. And I'm gonna tell you. You're playin' with your darts, and you're happy with the banana, but me, I'm scared. Three days and nights we're waitin' by the phone. Darcey ain't called. You know what that means? I can feel the bullets. Darcey's gotta knock us off now, or we're done. All right. I don't complain. No. You say no bullets. All right. You say no guns. All right. No bodyguards. All right. You say don't lock the doors. All right. It's crazy, but I've been with you for ten years. I'll go along for the ride. But not this. I'm not gonna sit here, sweat, feel hot lead, and at the same time listen to that sugar-coated malarkey about the beggar woman and her daughter. That's all! Finished! Done! Goodbye! That's Darcey. I wish I could worry like him, but I don't know how. Talk. Aw, for cryin' out loud. It's Annie's butler. That's the bum from the Boer War. Now what? Yeah? I'm sorry to trouble you, Mr Dude, but the count just asked me to telephone the Spanish consul. - What does he want to talk to him for? - I don't know why. But I did hear him say that he was tired of sightseeing and he wanted to meet some people. - Joy Boy, how's your Spanish? - As good as my French. They both stink. Junior, did you learn anything from Spanish Lena? Spanish Lena was a Hungarian. Don't nobody know nothin'? And where's Queenie? Put the sucker on. I'll fade him myself. It's open. Hey, you're Darcey's boys. Mr Darcey don't never send "boys". - Mr Darcey wants to see you. - We were waiting for his call. Why don't you make yourself at home? And you were worried! Hello? Hello? Soy el conde de Romero. ¿ Por qué no fue a recibirme? Very sorry. Nobody home. They all go far away. They all go... California. Lots of sunshine in California. So this Japanese houseboy. So sorry. Ooh, very sorry. No, I'm very sorry, they're not home. Ooh, very sorry. No, I'm very sorry. They're not home. Nobody home. Just me. OK. Bye-bye. That's very good, Mr Moto. Now let's go do some business. I'll be with you in a minute. Where is Little Switz? - We'll take you personal. - Yeah. But first I have a little personal business. I wanna stop off and buy my apple. You ain't stoppin' nowhere. Mr Darcey's through playin'. Up! You, fancy-pants, over there. You, Mr Apples, over here. Turn around. - Turn around! Up! Up! - All right, all right. - Hey, your hand's bleeding. - Oh! Argh! - This way, gentlemen. - We'll tie 'em, lock 'em in the bathroom. When he gets his apple, we'll be back to pick you up. Now get in there! Move! Wait. Lock 'em in the closet, Joy Boy. They may just wax the bathroom floor. - Yes, sir? - I am Señor Cortez, the Spanish consul. - The Spanish consul? - Yes. - Is Count Romero to be found here? - Well... I don't believe he's in just now. - So if you'd care to leave your card... - Señor Cortez? Señor conde. Count Romero will receive you. It has been very difficult for me to locate you, Count Romero. This is most confusing. I just had your office on the phone, and your Japanese houseboy assured me you were out of town. - Japanese? - Sí. What would I be doing with a Japanese houseboy? - That is what we were wondering. - Very strange. - May I? - Sí, sí. It is my impression that there's something peculiar about Mrs Manville. - Mrs Manville? Peculiar? - Yes. I've telephoned several society editors and they know nothing about her. - I would be very cautious if I were you. - Of what? - Father, I resent these insinuations. - You did not even meet me at the pier. Believe me, I was there. But an official told me you were having difficulty with your shots. Shots? What shots? A gentleman from the immigration service said you could not land because you had contracted a peculiar disease. And later, the ship's captain told me you were a guest of this Mrs Manville. Señor, I had no trouble landing. I am in perfect health. You are a most confused man. When I try to reach you on the phone I find your confusion has spread to your staff, where a Japanese listens to Spanish and answers in pidgin English. Caramba! Señor, give the gentleman his hat. Very well, Count Romero. But in taking my leave, let me add only this. That a bellboy in this very hotel assured me that this penthouse is permanently leased by an American novelist named Rodney Kent. Is this the way our diplomats conduct our affairs? Questioning bellboys? Good day, sir. This episode will raise some eyebrows in Madrid. - Rodney Kent! - It's ridiculous. For years Louise has corresponded with her mother at this very hotel. - If I may, sir? - Sí, sí. Thank you. - Rodney Kent does live here. - What? In these books, sir. See? Pulitzer Prize winner. The judge - Judge Manville - writes under that name. Ah. Ah! - After the fashion of Mr Mark Twain. - And O Henry, Father. O Henry. Sí, señor. Yes. - I trust this confidence will be respected. - Of course. Thank you. Tea is served, sir, on the terrace. Now, what are we gonna do after tea? - What does the count like to do most? - Well, he rides a bicycle a great deal. Six-day bicycle races. Great. I'll call for tickets. Oh, dear Count, I have such a surprise for you. We just decided to go to the six-day bicycle races at Madison Square Garden. - But we'll not be here for six more days. - Hi, everybody. Just came to say hello. And... buy one of your delicious apples. Oh, here we are. You see, Count, it's sort of a family joke. I always feel that these apples bring me luck. What a charming idea. I have the same feeling about onions. - What is it, Hutchings? - A journalist to see you, sir. Second call. That guy out there is a reporter. What provoked the curiosity in this wretched scribe? - He requests a biography of Mrs Manville. - Absurd. Brother David, perhaps you can handle this inquisitor? Don't worry about a thing, Judge. Everything's taken care of. - What's the pitch, Brisbane? - From the society desk at the Star. I wanna do a feature on Mrs E Worthington Manville. - She's not in the Social Register. - Not in the Social Register? Or the phone book, not even the Yellow Pages. Did you look under M's? Look, I'm tired. The Spanish consul called my editor... - Say, aren't you Dave the Dude? - What is he talking about? Sure. I seen you around Queenie Martin's club. You know, you're wasting your time with society news. You could be a great big reporter, and we could give you a great big story. Yeah, but we better go someplace where we won't be disturbed. - Isn't that right, Uncle David? - That's right. - Do you want to step this way? - Right this way. No more sightseeing. No more buildings. Mrs Manville, I have come to know your daughter that well that I love her like a father. Thanks... Thank you. And so I wish to announce I will be greatly honoured if your daughter will accept the proposal of my son in marriage. Congratulations, Carlos! This is a great moment, a historic moment. The union of our two families. The Montagues and the Capulets. My dear Count, this calls for a real celebration. That is exactly what I was coming to. It will give me the greatest pleasure to announce the engagement officially at a reception for a few of your intimate friends. Reception? - With people? - Sí. - Father... - No, no. Relax and enjoy yourself, newsboy. You're living at the Marberry. It was nice meetin' you. Watch your diction, watch your diction. Reporter's taken care of, Judge. Uncle David, congratulate us. Carlos and I are engaged. You're a lucky man, Carlos. Congratulations. Brother David, I just told the count we'd make the announcement at the reception. Fine. Well, I'll see you folks around. Reception? What reception? The count wants to meet some of our friends. A modest affair. Nothing elaborate. Just the intimate friends of the parents of the bride. About... 100 people, did you say, Judge? 100... friends? You're the only one who can handle it, David. - We must tell Aunt Betty at once. - Aunt Betty will be the first to know. Brother Henry, would you come with me? I think we have to make up a list. Mrs Manville, I hope there is enough time for the preparations. Why, you two-bit pool hustler. Sit down there. Sit down! - I told you not to get used to high living. - It was the count's idea! - I oughta belt him. - Now, now, godfather. Do you know what this windbag's got us into? A reception for 100 people. - Where do you think you're going? - I'm fleeing from Armageddon, sir. With my cardiac condition I just cannot take unhappy endings. - So I'm off to join Mr Kent in Havana. - With two broken legs? My legs, sir? Oh, they're quite... Oh. Oh! Very cleverly put, sir. Thank you, sir. Yes. Not at all. You! - You'll break the poor lady's heart. - Why didn't you stop it before it started? - Oh, there you are. - So we gotta throw a party. So we just herd up a bunch of freeloaders. Society freeloaders. The count expects 100 of the Four Hundred. Annie only knows people from sewers. Which reminds me. You got a couple of sewer rats trussed up in the closet. Darcey's mugs. I forgot all about them. The Weasel's in Annie's place, so I'm here. Somebody tell me how I got into this pot. I didn't wanna be dealt in in the first place. You, Queenie. You were the one who suckered me into this. As long as I was minding my own business in my own racket, it was fine. But then I had to start to help somebody, had to be the big man. And will you look at me now? I got oost into this old dame's life, I got a couple of hoods, a couple of hatchet men, stashed in that closet, - a reporter guzzled up in the penthouse... - You got three reporters in the penthouse. - Three? - Two more showed up so we bagged 'em. That's kidnapping. Do you know what the newspapers'll do to us? Does it still kinda get you a little bit, right here? - The butler says there's enough food. - That's it. I've had it. You, Junior, bring those Darcey orang-utans to me right now. I like that butler. Calls me "sir", bows to me. Makes me feel like a broad. You take care of those reporters till I square the beef with 'em. And you go tell your friend Annie to take her business around the corner, because I am through, I am finished! Oh, boy. And just when you were starting to act like a human. Queenie, you got 30 seconds before I pick you up and throw you out. You know, some people toss charity balls for homeless cats. They even build zoos so wild animals live good. - You get arrested if you whip a horse. - 10. Good people help, Dude. What are we? Did we ever build a bridge or plant a seed? - 20. - We're nothin'. We're all a bunch of grabbers, looking for the best of it. - Just once, couldn't we help somebody? - That's it. You're through, sister. Yes, we're gonna help somebody. We are going to help me. I'm gonna make any kind of a deal Darcey wants. Unless we've blown it already. Hallelujah! I'm gonna drink to you. It's my first in five years. Do I infer you're stranding Annie on the rocky beach of despair? I've had just about enough of your hot air too, Judge. You - out! And you - out. Both of you - out. That's it. School's out. Everybody out. I hope we're not interrupting anything. Louise! Darling! Uncle David just told me the good news. - My heartiest congratulations, Carlos. - Thank you. - I hope we're not intruding. - Not at all. You're a breath of spring. We were just taking a walk and Carlos had the most wonderful, sweetest idea. - What is it, Carlos? - No, no. This is not the time. Or the place. Of course it is, Carlos. He thinks the world of you, Uncle David. - Louise. - What is it, Carlos? Well, sir, I... that is, Louise and I... Yes. ..we would be most pleased if, when the time comes, you will consent to be godfather to our first child. He'd be delighted. Uncle David's already an experienced godfather. Oh, Uncle David! I love you so much. Thank you, señor. I am very honoured, and my family is very honoured. - And if it's a boy we'll name him after you. - No. Louise, we cannot take up any more of their time. No. I'm sure you have so much to do, arranging the reception on short notice. Goodbye. - About 100 people, you said, Judge? - Not just people. But citizens of style and grace. And this above all: daisies who won't tell. Dude's gang! Now, there's a bunch of daisies that wouldn't dare squeal. With the right clothes they'd pass off as kings. - They would? - Well, look at Annie. The count fell for her. And you and me. And Carlos thinks the Dude is a young Abe Lincoln. And the count even swallowed Joy Boy, and I can do better than that in a pet shop. If you weren't a broad I'd kick you right in the stomach. And my old chorus girls. Why, they'd make the most glamorous society queens this town's ever seen! Indeed. Why not? The world goes round in make-believe. Louie the Lug - with a carnation in his buttonhole, he'll look like Grover Whalen. The Weasel'd make a great secretary of war. The Weasel as secretary of war? No, he don't rate no more than an alderman. Dude! Why, the Weasel'd make as good a secretary of war as anyone you can name. No, I think he'd rate an alderman. Dude, you're gettin' hooked again. You know what? You almost had me walking out on poor old Apple Annie. Queenie, call your broads. Judge, call Boyle's pool room. You know the number. - I'll call... - Dude... Dude! Round everybody up. They was knotted real tight. Good thing I was a boy scout. Mr Darcey ain't gonna like this. You tell Mr Darcey he's got a deal, but on my terms. He delivers me $100,000 cash. And no more of you popgun monkeys showing up or else I ain't gonna like it. Would you kindly connect me with Harry the Horse? Honey, forget the house party. I need you now. Cheesecake, roust out the boys and take 'em to a Turkish bath, will you? What do you think, what for? A bath, you jerk! Hey, Joy Boy, get ahold of whatshisname. Rosy, the suit man. That's a good idea. I'll have him measure you all for straitjackets. ? I gave my love a cherry without no stone ? I gave my love a chicken without no bone ? I gave my love a ring that had no end ? I gave my love a baby ? With no crying ? I threw Carlos a flower ? And blushed a smile ? My love threw me the autumn moon ? And laughed a mile ? I gave my love a heart of love ? Wrapped up in pink and blue ? I'll give my love a baby ? Who'll look like you - Keep singing. Please. - No, Carlos. It's your turn. - I'm busy. - The wedding poem. You promised. - Keep still. - You'll have to at the wedding feast. Your father told me that every Romero for 1,000 years has had to do it. - All because some silly ancestor wrote it. - I love it. Please? You interrupt people at the oddest moments. Please? I hope nobody is listening. For her, for whom I would walk through fire, the great cathedral's heavenly choir sings God's angelic music. Be still, my racing heart - she is floating toward me as a winged melody. I burst with a Spanish pride. A thousand eyes, all moist and dewy, share the lovely vision. Behold: my bride. - Mother! - Mrs Manville. - I was lonely for you. - It is my fault. Please. I have a lifetime with Louise, and you only two days. I will see you later, Mother. You do not mind my calling you "Mother"? I'd like that... Son. Thank you... Mother. You do love him, don't you? So much it must show, Mama. Today, when we were walking along Broadway, a little old flower pedlar - a deaf and dumb lady - gave me this. She insisted I take it, and she refused to accept a penny for it. - Oh, Mama, life is wonderful, isn't it? - Yes, baby. Yes. - Mama? - Yes? You don't think anything can... can happen, do you? - Happen? - I'm foolish, I suppose. Maybe it's because I'm wishing so hard. Mama, have you ever wished for something so hard... Nothing's going to happen. Nothing. Yeah? - Captain Moore to see you, Inspector. - Send him right in. - Anything on the missing reporters? - Nothing, Inspector. Not a thing. The newspapers are crucifying us. You hear Winchell last night? - Yeah? - The commissioner's on the phone. There he is again. Fourth time today. Hello, Commissioner. No, but I've got Captain Moore in my office right now. - No, not a thing yet. - What do you mean? I'm not gonna be made the goat for the whole department. - What is it? - The mayor's on the phone. - Didn't you tell him I was out? - He didn't believe it. Hold on a minute. Hello. Yeah, Chief. I was just talking to Inspector McCrary. Not a thing yet. I have had a supersufficiency of "not a thing". I want some action, and I want it quickly. Every editor in town is in my office now. And you'll get a front-page editorial in my paper every day till something's done. It is a very embarrassing situation when a reporter is not safe on our streets. If the city can't do anything, perhaps the state can. We'll take it up with the governor tomorrow. I want you to find those three reporters, Commissioner, or I will be forced to demand your resignation. McCrary, you dig up those three reporters or I'll have to get myself another boy. Captain, you have 24 hours to find those reporters. If you can't, you'll find yourself on the other end of a broom at the horse barn! - What is it? - I think we got an angle on the reporters. - Speak up, son. - A funny thing happened. Last Saturday I met one of the boats, to check the passenger list. - Two characters shoved me into a car. - Why didn't you report it sooner? They didn't hurt me, just drove me around the Bronx, then gave me taxi money. - Any idea who grabbed him? - Not exactly. Two of our men saw Dave the Dude at the pier Saturday night meeting some people. - And with his whole mob. - Dave the Dude, hm? It's not much, but we're beginning to look like a police department. Captain, you better put a tail on the Dude. There could be a connection. These are great, Judge. Just a few more speeches. As Jimmy Durante says, "I've got a million of 'em." "My dear Count, it is indeed a pleasure..." I'm charmed to meet you, Count. I'm charmed to meet you... - All right, hold it, everybody! - Quiet! Quiet! Listen. Queenie, take your broads to the other side of the room. - You guys, I want to talk to you. - Guys over here! Broads over there! Come on, move it! We ain't got all night. You guys, you gotta remember something. You're not a bunch of bums. You're a bunch of gents. Dude, you gotta make 'em stop with the pistols. They making holes in the lining. I thought I told you to tell 'em to leave the rods home. - Weasel, I told you - no rods! - No rods. Come on, you guys. If we don't act like gents, we'll bollix the whole schmear up tomorrow night. Now, you all got the speeches the judge wrote for you. You know who you are, huh? I don't have to tell you? - Who are you, Slops? - Governor of the State of Utta. - State of what? No, no. State of Utah. - Utah, metah... Look, will you read the speech the way the judge gave it to you, please? Don't yak too much. Smile all the time. That'll get you by anybody, even kings. Kings, yeah. But these mugs? You smile at 'em, you get a hand on the knee. You've had so many hands on your knees, deary, you wear gloves for stockings. OK, settle down. Dude! If any of your he's make passes at my she's... - No passes, no passes, no passes! - You hear that? No passes. - No passes? Gee, what a party pooper. - I don't wanna hear no more from you. Dude, this ain't a good speech the judge gave me. - You handicapping speeches now? - This count's from out of town. - So what? - I tell him he's lucky to meet Apple Annie. You wanna tell him you'll fix him up with a couple of dames? Just read the speech! Cheesecake! Tell 'em to be quiet. Quiet down, guys. Will you please be quiet! Why aren't you practising? - I've been practising. Only... - Only what? I'm as good as Louie the Lug is, and if he's ambassador, I oughta be a king. Secretary of the interior is bigger than an ambassador. I ain't as dumb as you think. A secretary's a secretary. All right, all right, brain. I'll make you the postmaster. All right? That's more like it. I save stamps. - Yeah. Judge, you got a new postmaster. - Check. Come here, Mex. Give the speech to him now. - You're the count. - I thought I was the governor of Florida. Will you just please pretend you're the count for a minute? Go ahead. Shoot. Count, Your Honour... it's a rare... privy... - privy... - What are you talking about? "It's a rare privilege", jackass! Does it say that? I didn't think I was supposed to call the count no jackass. - You're giving me a headache, you guys. - Me too! What a bunch of ignoramice. Ignoramice - that's more than one ignoramouse. Yeah? You too, huh? Here. - I'm losing my voice. - Start practisin'! - I am charmed to meet you, Count. - You stink. Jerk. No, you don't. All we need now is a crying drunk. Give me one good reason to stay sober. You thought all this up. You straighten out this menagerie. - Hey, guys, listen to Miss Martin here! - Quiet down, everybody. - Quiet! - Quiet. - Quiet! - Quiet! Let's do one thing at a time. Forget the speeches for now and we'll concentrate on the bowing. - Judge, show 'em how to bow again. - It's quite simple. The movement is at the waist, with a graceful gesture of the hand - thus. What's so difficult about that? Head waiters do it. Foreigners do it - can't even speak English. All right, listen. Have a he and a she, pair off and practise the bowing. - All you broads over here! - Come on, girls. Pick out a guy and start bowing. Don't forget the gesture with the hand. Bow. Everybody bow. Bow! If I'm sober, why do I see things like this? Does the board of health know about this epidemic? - What's the matter? - Him. He tried to pick my pocket where there ain't no pocket. All right, hold it! You guys ain't taking this thing serious. And you gals ain't either. But this is serious, all right. It's murder. You're probably saying "What's in it for us?" I'll tell you: nothin'. I mean, nothin' that you can put in your pocket. After all, did any of us ever plant a bridge? Uh... build a bridge or plant a seed? For once, could we just do somethin' nice for somebody? This is for old Apple Annie. If something goes wrong tomorrow night, there's no telling what'll happen to Annie. Maybe she'll put her head in the oven - the perfect solution. So come on now. We're gonna practise. We're gonna get in there... Tell you what. Make believe it's for your own mother. I oughta do somethin' for my mother. They won't let me see her in solitary. Now start practising, everybody. I say it again and again and again. This will never work, this will never work, this will never work. Happy days. The music must be soft and mellow. Nothing harsh, nothing raucous. Just the gentle drip of rain upon an autumn leaf. - Yes, sir. I'll lay on the silk. - Splendid. Keep it schmaltzy. - The new men? - Yes, sir. - Trustworthy? - Completely. - I'm just loving this, sir. Aren't you? - Hutch, in here it's Christmas. Quite. ? Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way... Yes. As Pascal said: the heart hath reasons that reason itself knows nothing about. A handkerchief. - A handkerchief. - It's in your hand, ma'am. Yes, of course. Lola, do I look all right? The head waiter at the Ritz would give you the best table. God bless you. See for yourself, Mrs E Worthington Manville. You'd make Cinderella look barefoot. I don't know who that is in there. I hope the whole thing isn't a dream. Give me my basket. Apples? Apples? Your beautiful dream's coming true, Annie. God love you. Everybody's so wonderful... and I'm so scared. Come in. Shades of Aphrodite, goddess of beauty! Oh, that man just fills a room. Never in all my questionable career have I feasted my eyes upon such divine loveliness. Cut it out, Judge. When's the Dude coming? 8 o'clock, my fluttering dove, and bringing the best-trained social lions you ever saw. - But can they fool the count? - Fret nyet, my pet. You'll behold a miracle. Orchids bloom where weeds once grew. - What if they make mistakes? - The Dude'll kill 'em. - The poor dears. - Pull yourself together, dearest. You're the proud mother of a daughter whose engagement is being announced. And don't think of mistakes. If any mug pulls a boner, I'll flood the room with a torrent of oratory. - You're wonderful, Judge. - I know. Here's the receiving line plan. You stand next to me, then Louise, then the count... - Yeah. And where am I? - Right here. Dude and his mob are at Queenie Martin's. - What are they doing there? - I don't know. It sure looks big. They got a line of cars out here a block long. - Stay on his tail. Don't let him get away. - Right. Let's close off the block. Confidentially, at times I'm a bit ashamed of my fellow Americans. The way they fawn over celebrities, particularly you titled nobility. - I think that is charming. - They're like children. Tonight in your presence they'll probably stammer and appear to be tongue-tied and awkward. - I beg you to make allowances for them. - But of course. Different countries, different customs. Which reminds me, Judge. There is a custom in my country which is not a custom in your country. I have been hoping that you would speak about it. - Indeed, sir? What's on your mind? - The dowry, my dear Judge. As yet, nothing has been said about the dowry. - The dowry, huh? - Sí. I am aware, of course, that in America it is not important. But in my country it is the first arrangement. In your country, yes. In my country... The dowry, huh? I don't know what to say, Count. - You crept up on me on that one. - I beg your pardon? I mean, this is so totally unexpected. Don't you think it's... a bit vulgar to speak of money? Well, let us be vulgar, then, for a moment. I am willing to make a settlement equal to 50,000 of your dollars. - You are? Of my dollars? - Sí. I have been hoping that you would be willing to make a similar settlement. Willing? Yes, yes, of course. Willing. Ah. Old Napoleon. Join me in a nippy with Nappy? Delighted, Judge. I see you keep your billiard table in excellent condition. - Do you play? - Do I play? Señor, in Barcelona I am the champion. Well, now, isn't that just... - You don't say? - Sí. Perhaps... a little game before the guests arrive? I can think of nothing that would give me greater pleasure. - Oh, about that dowry, Count. - Yes, Judge? It just occurred to me, as the young folks are going back to Spain to live with you, - I should give the whole amount. - Oh, no, no. I could not let you bear the entire burden. But it's no burden, my dear Alfonso. So, the matter's settled. Please, my dear host. You are so gracious. You make me feel ashamed. - I shall take care of the full amount. - It's silly. We could debate this for hours. In America we have methods to settle such differences. We toss coins or pull straws... - What's so amusing, Alfonso? - I could take advantage of you, Judge. Indeed, sir? You wouldn't suggest a billiards contest? That's enough. You'll start sweatin'. No sweatin'! Nobody sweats! - Dude, it's gonna work, so help me. - Get your coat, baby. Dave! Come here. We're in, kid, we're in. It's Darcey. Says you can write your own ticket. Yes or no? On my terms, Darcey? All right. I'll tell you what you do. You bring Little Switz to pier 84 at midnight. And bring the cash. - What do you think of my apple now? - I love it, I love it, I love it. Ready, Dude. Folks, Queenie and I are leaving now. The rest of you follow in groups of four. - And, Junior, you take over here. - Good night. Good luck, Dude. Queenie, the Darcey deal's all set. On my terms. I'm gonna need you now more than ever. So don't leave me. OK, Dave. Anything you say. That's him. Mr Dude, there's cops all around the place. Thank you, mister. Like the boss said, you walk out... - Boss, what's the matter? - There's cops out there. Millions of 'em. - Cops? - What do we do now? We can't go over to Annie's. They'll follow us. Queenie, get the judge on the phone. We gotta stall 'em. - What are they doing out there? - I don't know. I don't figure it. - I didn't do nothin'. - Let me think. - What amazing luck. - I've been very fortunate, haven't I? 24-24. You realise, you make this shot, you win? Really? This shot seems practically impossible. I have seen it made. It's a seven-cushion shot with high, delicate right-hand English. - That would take an expert. - I beg pardon, sir. Mrs Manville's brother-in-law on the telephone. He says it's very urgent. I shall be there directly. - You made it! - Most fortunate. Most fortunate. - The judge... expert. - Oh, sir, I beat him regularly. Thank you, sir. Hello, brother David. Congratulate me. I just saved you $50,000. Knock off the lousy jokes. We're in a jam. The place is surrounded by bluecoats. Cops? I don't care for that at all, my dear Dude. Would you suggest that I fold my tent and silently scram into the night? You better stay right where you are. - Just stall 'em. I'll figure something out. - Figure fast, Dude. I'm notoriously poor at bag-holding. - What is it, Henry? - Nothing, my dear. I heard you. You said something about cops. - They're not coming here, are they? - Of course not. - Don't lie to me. Tell me the truth. - Don't get yourself all worked up. If something's going to happen, I have got to know. I'd rather tell them the truth myself. Mama! Look what the count gave me to wear tonight. It's an heirloom that used to belong to Queen Isabella. - It's beautiful, dear. - It's going to be mine after the wedding. Carlos hasn't seen it on me. She's a lovely girl, isn't she, Judge? - Don't you think she's lovely? - Angelic, my dear. What am I going to do? Suppose the count calls off the wedding. She'd hate me. Don't be silly, Annie. She'll want to know who her father is. What am I going to tell you? You see, I was never married. You won't have to tell her anything. Now get a grip on yourself. Dude'll come up with something. He always does. Before this evening is over, I expect a complete apology from you. - That is why I asked you here. - My dear Count. Nothing would give me greater satisfaction than to be proven an imbecile. What time do the guests arrive? Well, no one arrives first, sir. They all come in last. - Hey, Boss... - Will you knock it off? Those bulls out there ain't got nothin' on me, or they'd break that door down. But how am I gonna get all these people to Annie's without them cops tailin' us? - You've got one ace in the hole. - What's that? - Give 'em what they want: the truth. - The truth, to the cops? Are you out of your skull? Wait a minute. I got what they want. Yeah. I'm gonna go down and see the commissioner and make a deal. - The commissioner? - Right. Take over, Junior. - Joy Boy, come on. - I don't like it. I don't like the whole thing. Everybody, up on your feet. I didn't like the way you bowed. We're gonna do the bow. Let's go. Look, all I ask you, Commissioner, is you just lay off me for tonight. That's all? Don't you want me to give you the keys to the city too? - What's your mob doing at Queenie's? - Nothin' that would interest you. You see, I just can't tell anybody about it. But if you'll just give me a base on balls for tonight, I'll save your badge. - What do you mean, save my badge? - You wanna find those reporters. - You got those reporters? - I got friends. All I gotta do is just spread the word around those friends and those newsboys will show up tomorrow just as good as new. All I ask you is, please, just lay off me for tonight. I don't make deals with bums. You'll have a police escort until they show up. Wait a minute. OK, Mac, I'm gonna tell you something. I got those reporters, and they ain't showing up until I'm good and ready. - Now are we gonna do business? - Sure, Dude. We can do business. - Frisk these guys and book 'em. - What? You can always do business with the police. - This ain't gonna get you noplace. - Get me the mayor. He's throwing that big party for the governor. - When he finds out what this is about... - Why drag the mayor in? I bet he'll make a deal with you too. He'll probably settle for about 50 years. There's nothing crooked going on here. When you hear the story, you'll laugh. I'm laughing already, Dude. I been waitin' ten years to laugh at you. - Hello, Chief. - Hold it. Just before you talk to him... Joy Boy, I told Queenie I'd tell the truth. I'm gonna give you the truth. You'll think I'm nuts, but it's the truth. It's like... - Well, it's... - Like a Mother Goose story. That's right. It's like one of those stories you tell the kids when you put 'em to bed. Hold on, Chief. Dave the Dude - bootlegger, racketeer and gambler - wants to tell me a beddy-bye story. OK, forget it. I'm gonna hang before I let any fink of a cop give me the horselaugh. As for you, Mr Mayor... You tell Mr Mayor he'll never see those reporters again. - Dave the Dude is in my office. - I've gotta use the phone. He admits he's got those reporters. Good work, Commissioner! Dave the Dude admits having the reporters. - Dave the what? - Fancy-pants ex-bootlegger. - Excellent. Have they arrested him? - Of course, Governor. But what do you suppose will happen now? A bail bond and he's out laughing. - That's ridiculous. - That's the way things go down here. Of all the nerve. Who does he think he is? He can't make any deals with the police. There's an example, Governor. You see? He makes deals. The Dude says if we don't let him alone tonight we won't see the reporters again. - Why, this is outrageous. - Don't get excited, Governor. It's quite the customary procedure. Bring the Dude up here. That's exactly what I said. Bring him without delay. Don't worry about my guests. This is more important. You criticise my administration. Let's see what you can do with him. - I'd send a criminal like that away for life. - Here's your chance, Governor. All right, Slops, up on your blisters. You ain't bowing right. Lay off, Junior. I've bowed so much, I've got a callus on my bellybutton. - Come on. Bow. - Sit down, Junior. Save your strength. Hello. Dude? You're where? With the police? You're gonna go over and pick up the reporters? Poor Annie. All right. I'll go right over. I feel sorry for the whole stinkin' world. - What's it gonna be? - It's all off. Send the suits back. I'm sorry. You can go home. Thanks for everything. That's a shame. You learned how to bow, didn't you? I wish I could cry. Come on, Junior. There's nobody at Queenie Martin's. No, no, Annie. Don't do anything foolish. Mama? Isn't anybody coming? Mama, what's wrong? Louise, baby. If you should... If anything should happen... Mama? - You wouldn't hate your mother? - Don't say things like that. Is the count in the living room? What is it, Mama? La commedia è finita. Send the waiters and the musicians home and call a doctor. Where's poor Annie? Annie, I'm so sorry. Count Romero, I'd like to talk to you for a minute, please. I'm sure you must know there's nothing in the world I want more than for my daughter to marry your son. She loves him. Loves him very much. And I know he loves her too. Ever since Louise was born, I've lived for one thing: her future. And when she wrote me that she'd found someone she loved... I was the happiest mother in the world. Count Romero, I know you came to America to find out all about us, about Louise's family. - No, no, señora... - No, I don't blame you. You have the right. And it would be terrible after they were married to find out that... that Louise's mother was... someone you would be ashamed of, that even Louise would be ashamed of. - That's silly, Mama. - Mrs Manville... Let me go on. I wanted this talk so you would find out all about me. First of all, Count Romero, I must tell you that... I am... His Honour, the Mayor of the city of New York. Go ahead, Mayor. It's your idea. Start beaming. My dear Mrs Manville. So good to see you again. The last time I had the pleasure was at your party at Briar Cliff. I will never forget it. It was a brilliant affair. This, of course, is Louise, the image of her late father. - You're giving us the good news tonight? - So nice to see you, dear. You look just lovely. Have you seen Lord Ferncliffe lately? - Welcome to our city, sir. - You look younger than in the newsreels. Indeed? Thank you very much. This is my son Carlos. His Honour, the Mayor. And you are the lucky young man. Congratulations. His Excellency, the Governor of New York State. My dear Mrs Manville, what a pleasure to see you again so soon, and so radiant. And this is the fabulous Louise. I've always admired you, so her beauty doesn't surprise me. You know my wife? We're so happy to be here. We wouldn't have missed this for the world. Count, allow me to welcome you to New York. I'm crying. Dude, I'm crying! - Joy Boy, look, I'm crying! - All right. I got my own troubles. A police escort. That is more than we get in Barcelona. It's nothing, my dear Carlos. I've had many a police escort. How about that? The mayor, the governor, the cops. I thought they were all crooks. Why did they do it? They gotta have an angle. Delightful experience. Made me feel ten years younger. Are you still gonna investigate the mayor's administration, Governor? I don't think so. I think we'll postpone it. I must call the commissioner tomorrow. I made his life miserable the last few days. ..the engagement of their daughter Louise to Carlos Romero of Barcelona, Spain, at a gala reception last night, and so on. Take it from there and include a complete list of the guests. - And that's your story, all of it. - But what about our being snatched? You weren't snatched. You were out on a drunk. - Drunk? - Drunk. ? We're going to the boat to see her off ? Singing Polly Wolly Doodle all the day Happy days must really be back if you bums are taking cabs now. - Pipe down. We're with the governor. - Dry up. We're godfathers. ? Fare thee well, fare thee well Fare thee well, my dear Louise ? For we're going to the boat to see her off ? Singing Polly Wolly Doodle all the day Little Switz? It's parked right behind you. He's waiting. He's got 100 G's in small bills. Boss, you got business. Can I have the night off? I gotta go see Ma. Wait a minute. Listen, Dave. My wife, I ain't seen her in a week. And she's this way again, so... - What do you say we split a cab? - Come on. - Elizabeth. - Yeah. Huh? What was the name of that town in Maryland? Now, come on. Quit bawling. My baby. My darling. God bless you. Adiós. Courage, my pet. Don't faint now. Courage. Goodbye, Louise! Goodbye, Louise! - Goodbye, Louise! - Hey, hey, hey! Why are you standing there with your mouths open? The crowd on this dock is loaded. Start hustling. Cos I'm gonna raise you one buck a month to work on Broadway. Goodbye, Louise! |
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