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Producers Czech State Fud for the Support and Development of Czech Film Pupendo General Partner Starring A film by Jan Hrebejk and Petr Jarchovský Is it okay. Your mother's here. My mom? Your mom, eh? Say hello... Did you bring the wine? No... Let's go. Written by Loosely based on the work of Executive producer Art Director Costume Designer Sound Edited by Production Manager Director of Photography Music Coproduced by Produced by Directed by "In the eighties" Morning time... A wet rag to make you feel fine... God, I'm blind! A sandwich for the little one... Yes, I'll cut it. No way! Go change. Everyone will know we're broke. -Bedrich, take that inside. -Where do you think it's going? What an example you are. Know what that's called? The morning swig stage. You're ripe for treatment! See that? Your mom wanted to stab me! You tell me to lighten up but you're flashing that... -Sorry. -...that knife at my liver -and then "Sorry." -I said sorry -Sorry what? Sorry how? Sorry, gentlemen of the jury, that I left a knife in his gut. For Christ's sake! Eat... Him too. First they crucify him, right. Rail spikes everywhere... Then he rises from the dead... So they reevaluate things and... It's, "Sorry." If they'd drowned him you'd have an aquarium around your neck. If you really want to get rid of me, just leave a knife on the nightstand and I'll slit my throat in my sleep. Please, cut the crap; cut the loafing and the smoking... Get off your ass and get a job! I'm not asking anyone for anything. I don't need anyone's help. Nothing could help you anyway... Except a miracle, eh? Oh, Alena... You're my miracle. Drink... Don't look at daddy. These're the last pigs we're taking, Mr. Mára. -What do you mean last? -Pigs just ain't in anymore. We'll let you know when there's something else. -Sounds great, Mr. Svárovský. -The boys call me Buck... -What about your ceramics class? -I like helping you. Hey, what if I asked my mom for something better for Bedrich? I don't want to offend you, I just think he's too good to be putting his name on this. He's got his pride. They shafted him and now he wants no favors. I'm afraid he's begun liking his resignation. I think you're mistaken. You think a person loses touch after twenty years of marriage? They're building shipyards; bulldozers were everywhere... All my tiles... They just popped off the walls. -Have a look here... -Imported, aren't they? Well, they had to get them someplace, right? Yeah, they're fancy imported tiles. How many do you think? -20 square yards of damage. -Fifty... -Come on! Okay, 20 square yards and complete reconstruction. -What are you doing? -Completely ruined... What'll it come to? -Two to three years hard labor. -For us! Hello. Hi, kiddo... -This is daddy. Can you hear me? -Daddy! -That's right, Bobes. -Is mommy there? -Mommy! -Get mommy... Do you hear? Damn! -Bobes? This is daddy. -Daddy... Please, don't hang up. Daddy has to pay for this. Daddy's calling mommy... A pack of cigs, too. Put the receiver next to the phone... -and go get mommy, okay? -Yeah. Go and get mommy. Thank you... That's not a toy. Bobes, go get mommy now or you get a spanky! Okay... Shit! Hang the phone up again and I'll tan your hide! What? What did you say to our little boy? I've been trying to call and he's playing with the phone. -Where have you been? -Where do you think? I'm stuck at home painting pig faces. Where're you? Me? I'm calling to say I'm coming home. -So why are you calling? -What? Why call if you're coming home? Well, because... I'm coming soon... Dammit, he hung up on me ten times... You mean you called ten times to say you're coming? Bedrich, you think only about yourself and you spit on the rest of your fellow mortals! -Who do I spit on? -Your fellow mortals! Every year you promise Matej we'll go to the sea, and what? Hello? She said fellow mortals! Who's winning, gentlemen? -What'd he say? -That we're going to the sea. I've brought a fellow mortal home for dinner. After you... This is Alena... Children are sleeping. -Really? -Enchant,... Come on in, friend, make yourself at home. An aperitif before dinner? -Thank you. -Alena! Tell us, friend, when you were last at the seaside. Me? At the seaside? Wouldn't you like to wash up before dinner? -Oh, no... -I asked our guest. -Of course. -The bathroom... Hot... Cold... Soap... Towel... Thank you. I'm terribly proud of you. Who else would bring a suspicious character home? -Who is he? -I don't really know. A fellow mortal... We're all equal before God. You should know... Your Catholic's a mom... -That was a wedding present. -From a friend... Cheers! -Here it comes... -It's still warm... It's Bedrich's favorite. Enjoy it. -Thank you. -My pleasure. Bon appetit. Thank you. Hell, aren't we gonna eat? I already ate and you gave yours to the needy. I never would have thought it possible. See how little you know me, darling? You bring a bum home to your wife and kids, don't ask if he's got typhoid or robs homes, or how many little girls he's molested in the park. You're a good soul and I love you for it. Is there any left in the pan? Maybe I could scrape out the stuck bits. We shouldn't keep our brother waiting... -Well, did you like it? -Delicious! -How do you make your living? -I'm a collector. -People throw everything away. -Not mom here... She doesn't throw away a thing. You're right. Sure, they're a bit big, but if he rolls up the sleeves... Roll up the sleeves and they'll fit. -What're you doing? -This one... Leave that there. Like it? He can't dig in trashcans wearing Harvard! -Then he can sell it? -He can't. -Sure he can. -No, he can't. -Just leave it there... -Got a wife? A special friend? Or an ordinary one even... Take her a gift... What are you doing?! I'm alone. My wife left and took everything. -Yeah, that can happen... -Oh, a coat! It's old, -but it hangs well and... -Goddammit, what the hell? What's gotten into you? Some charity bug, or what? He already ate; now give him an old shirt so he'll beat it. Oh, no, I've got to finish this for both of us. You can't just play with people like this. You know, getting rid of things makes me feel somehow happier, -somehow better... -But I don't have a shirt left! Swim trunks! -Trunks with nice pockets. -What do you mean trunks? For swimming, what do you think? We're not going anywhere anyway. Shorts you can change into... I can see you like clothes... -Mom... -Take it before I drop it. My mom... Sorry, you remind me of my mom... She had eyes like yours, my mom... -Your wife is pure gold. -That she is. Here's something extra from me. You don't like it. They sell like hotcakes. Such an artist makes his living selling kitsch. Sorry, but I had to say it. -Who are you anyway? -I'm Alois Fá bera... The art historian... Working freelance at present. Pardon my frankness, Mr. Mára... Pardon me, professor, I didn't recognize you. Delighted... Well, goodbye. -Wait, you have to take this. -I couldn't possibly. She'd think I didn't let you have it. These days people buy such pigs and pitch this. Take it for your wife. Thank you, professor. Thank you as well. Good night. Good night, professor. Magda! Magda! Bedrich's here... He won't... You know he won't. Aha, they're still up. Recess is over, kids. -Just a minute. -Don't flush, okay? Is electricity free? Who was in our room? -How was it? -Exhausting. A confederacy of dunces. -Who was there? -Everyone! -Everyone... Almost... Má ra looked terrible. -Bedrich was there? -Of course not. Think where he'd be today with his talent... -Close the door! -Don't flush, dad! He looked like a ghost. He went by in that boat like Charon and didn't even come in. He seemed ashamed. -Seems like he's pretty bad off. -You're right. -You eat so late you'll be sick. -Just keeping up my strength. The garlic will make you reek. -Have some too, then. -You know I never eat dinner. Honza, who do you expect to turn the light off? Dad... -And your hands? -What about yours? Pee kills germs. 'Night. Come, my little stinkers. Your alarm's going to ring soon. My alarm clock is swell; It's my very best pal... The early bird catches the worm! Come out little pig, or I'll huff and I'll puff... Is dad still trying for the Dorkiest Parent Award? The birds have been up long singing their happy song. And you're still abed? Get up, sleepyhead! -Magda, where'd you put my keys? -There just where you left them. -They're not anywhere. -Your pockets... So, youngsters, here's our Wishes and Complaints Box. Let's have a look what's come up this week... Quiet everyone! Pavla writes love letters late at night and I don't sleep enough to be in peak condition at school. Honza, when you're in the army, think what a letter from a friend will mean to you. And, Pavla, don't leave the light on too late. And the last one... Instruct your son in the rules and risks of masturbation... This is going to be good. Let's not make a big deal about it. Everyone has masturbated. And those who say they don't still do. -What about you, dad? -Gladly, but I've got your mom. I think the time has come... Start with the preface; read it slowly, point by point. What happened? Damn, I lost an earring. -That's great. -Don't move... -Where is it? -Somewhere... -It's in your hand. -That's the other one. -Where is it? -My God, it's here someplace. Why not put them on at home? What do you do in the bathroom? -Just help me! -What am I supposed to do? Drop on all fours and crawl around? -Can you just help me? -I can pretend to look for it, but what I don't get is how... My God! How? Like this! Here it is! Where's the other one? Well, well, well! My directive was clear enough: don't leave slippers over night! Lose your footwear and you stay after school. -Those are mine, dad. -You should set an example. And I'll be expecting an explanation at home! I'm not deluded about your interest in learning, but today you'll learn something anyway. Gravitational acceleration equation: s = g/2t2, where g is gravitational acceleration, t is time, and s, or even h, is trajectory or height. To the window! A body of mass m will be dropped from height h, and will fall in time t... Honza, cut the nonsense! Kindly pay attention... Here we go! -How long, man? -I dunno, man, go down and look. Garage! The garage is sleeping... Who's got today's current event? Mára! Matej! Engineers in the Soviet Union have invented a concrete ship. That's interesting, Matej. Hold on. A concrete ship? I never heard anything stupider in my life. Since when does concrete float, man? Just settle down! What's your source, Matej? The Truth. Well, then it must be true. And Sandy, Utah is capital of the Sahara, man. If you said brick instead of man the principal would have a home. That's 'comrade' principal! Hey, dad, is it normal for us to be at the same school? I have to be fair, so it isn't easy having my son in class. And do you think it's easy for me? What should I do? Fail you? You want to be in that old Communist Svobodová's class? You're a Communist too. But different. You should know that. Then why are you whispering? The fish don't bite but the ducks sure do... Hey, the fish are biting! -We caught one. -Yes, we did... That's right, friend, we caught a fish. What are you going to do with it? You set it free... -Where? -Má ra? Past the pub, then on the left. May I come in? Hello there! I didn't recognize you. You look great. Because I found a way back to women. -Congratulations. -Her name's Vlasticka. She saved me. I haven't forgotten that you helped me. Nice... I made some inquiries and I've got a suggestion for you, my dear master craftsman. Emigration? Hey, who's the best head man in this country? Má ra. Who has a family he can't feed through lone creativity? Má ra. Who has a teenage son? Má ra. Who's got a wife and little one dying for a tropical vacation? Mára. You kill the fatted calf once and you can work freely for a year or two without worrying about a salary. Who's it got to be? Gottwald? Djerzhinski? Some bigger swine even? Lenin? Say Lenin and I'll crack this head over your gourd. You think I'm some monster who's trying to compromise you? We'd start at the local school. Indifferent spring motifs. A mosaic... Spring motifs? Of course, spring motifs... Budding... Nature... Nothing political... Sports... Burgeoning... Burgeoning breasts... An allegory of spring... -I got it, daddy. -Super! Bobes found it! You forgot the opener; I mean corkscrew. He'll grab the bottle opener... Now you're talking about a bust but before you said a mosaic... A mosaic of spring motifs would help the school principal. His wife works for the Fine Arts Union... -You know Magda Brecková? -Sure I do. -You taught her... Yeah, so? -Marshal Rybalko. -Yeah, it's finally here... Thanks, son... Here's a sausage to roast. -Don't count on it, professor. -What's the problem? A soldier... A hero... A liberator from 1945. Where have you been? We're occupied; Ruskies everywhere. I'm supposed to shine Rybalko's noggin after starving for years? How would it look? -You're the best at heads... -It's burning. -What's burning? -The sausage. -Okay, lets roast it together. What did you say? You're rotting, Bedrich. You can't let that happen. You've got to work. It's the only way to start, the only way to the West. -Me in the West? -Maybe not you, but your work. You've got to be kidding... Bedrich, the Communists like one thing even more than Lenin... -Their mommy? -That, too, little one... And even more than mommy they like hard currency. We must cultivate a sense of wonder. Look at this here. I'm in awe of the simple ingeniousness of a spoon. How long did it take humans to aspire to such perfection? That's nonsense. What's ingenious about a spoon? You can't eat soup with a stick. When you turn it... It's reminiscent of the bulb of a spring crocus. -Or the seed of a shovel... -What? The seed of a shovel. Do the spring mosaic, Bedrich... and you won't fear shovels. I'm not afraid of shovels. I'm afraid of hammers and sickles. Mr. Mára... Master... Bedrich, let's cut the formality crap! We've got some cognac... Come on, we're here. -I'm not staying. -Don't do it for me. Do it for Vlasticka; she's looking forward to meeting you. I'm waiting. Now you've got to say the word like I said. Otherwise Vlasticka won't open up. Say it! -It's silly. -It's just a game. -I'm still waiting! -Say rhodo... rhododendron. -Rhododendron! You have to say it three times. You trying to shit me? This is Master Má ra... Think I don't know your drunken voice. Break out that cognac... What do you think you had for breakfast? That's not a toy. Bedtime. Bedtime, Bobes? Yes, it is... This is how we go to bed... And here's how we tuck you in... Where did your head go? Here's your head... When will we... Go to the sea? Next year... In three years? Well, I should know. Look... A seahorse... This is... a male, right... And a female... Beautiful... So here's the male... and the female... And there'll be little horses. Mother... Aren't you sleeping? Come over here... Did you see the seahorses? Show him... -Let them sleep, please. -Know how to say seahorse? You have to draw it out, right? What's sea? Okay, time for bed. Goodnight, gentlemen. I'm off to the front... Few people know that a seahorse is a fish. A very strange fish. In the entire animal kingdom it is the only species where the male has the babies. The female lays the eggs inside him, and with that her parental duties end. All the trouble of giving birth and caring for the spawn are accepted by the male. But a male Mexican swordtail, the species Xyphophorus, rules a school of females with the sword of his tailfin, just like a sultan reigning over his harem. If he dies his place is taken by a dominant female, who grows a sword and becomes a male. Maybe you don't know it, Bobes, but a cow barks meow. -A cow barks moo. -That's right! Error, Bobes, you're living in error. Everyone knows a sparrow whinnies meow. Daddy's being silly, huh? Who whinnies? Who does that, Bobes? A pig. -A pig? Or a goat? -A pig... I hope he keeps me on his back till we find his elephant shack. Oh, please, you're always so nervous. The parquet floor went through, the tiles went through... So what are you afraid of? Why so nervous? It's not honest and you know it. You're playing with fire. You're counting on a quick signature, then off to the pub. We're not so poor that we have to cheat like this. -I made a hole. -You made a hole, eh? -Where's the tusk gone? -Here. Don't take it or daddy will cry. -What's for lunch? -Bread. -Bread? Alena, it's Saturday... -So spread something on it. Bread! -Should I baste the goose? -Yeah, both of them. Prepare the truffles, I'll open the Bordeaux. vintage 1972... Isn't it wasted on the kids? No... I'd rather eat dry bread than have you messed up in this. -You just leave it to Bond. -Bond who? James Bond, of course. Suddenly, this gale force wind rips off the roof tiles, my studio gets soaked... Six months' work and materials down the drain. Listen up... A cute young tapeworm sticks her head out an asshole, she looks around, crawls back in, and asks her mom: Mommy, what's blue and ripples so beautifully? And her mother answers, That's the sea, my child. Right? -And the little girl asks... -Girl tapeworm... Okay, the girl tapeworm asks: What's round and yellow and so warm? And mom responds, That's the sun, darling. So why do we live in here then? Because this is our home... up someone's ass. Yeah, I know that one well... If you think about it, I'm my father's fastest sperm; I wonder the one's who finished after me. -Millions of brothers. -We're all winning sperm. We had good tail action. Many people never beat that performance their whole lives. Even Matej led the pack. Know how to swim? No, I don't. -So what'll you do at the beach? -A winning sperm who can't swim. Don't worry... We'll teach him. It's best just to throw him in, like my brother did to me. -Watch it, he can read lips. -Don't worry, we got it wired. We'll secure the rubber band, give him the other end, -he jumps, and off he goes. -Man, he's gonna die... If he doesn't drown he'll slam into the other end. -Don't worry, I got it wired. -It's on your conscience... Not at all. Luck has smiled on him. Pull! What's going on here? Have you lost your minds? This is breaking and entering! How did you get in here? You'll be expelled, all three of you... Let go! Come on! Man, you killed my dad... -He should've let go halfway. -He needs mouth-to-mouth. Can't we just splash water on him? You dork, he's drowning! Well, boys, since you tried to save your principal you only get a reprimand. And for wearing the bathing cap yours is reduced to a warning. Quit speaking for me... I've got so much work I'm drowning in it. -Why are you saying this? -Because I'm busy. There's no better choice than Bedrich. I know how good he is. I was under his care; I studied under him. I'll talk to my husband. -Oh, please... -You can't fool me. I can imagine how you're doing. Say the word and it's yours. -I'll push it through the Union. -The school can't wait forever. Children are studying at a job site. Get it together! Speak for yourself. Go to the Union or the Academy. -They're full of experts... -Yeah, but out of our league. So that's how it is... The comrades have gone up in price. -Just take it and quit yapping. -My words exactly, Magda. Who's the best head man in this republic? -Not only heads... -Low relief, too, right? I was only ever the best at one thing: pupendo. I was always great at pupendo. Pupendo? What's pupendo? You don't know about pupendo? She doesn't know about pupendo. Do you know what pupendo is, professor? Pupendo is an old initiation ritual. African Bushmen have to be able to track and bring down a lion. And Prague's Young Pioneers must stand the test of pupendo. I'm the pupendo champ of the republic. Come on. You're such a kidder. You don't believe me? Show me. I want to know what it is! Magda, I'm warning you... Do you really want... to experience the magic of pupendo 'in the flesh'? I want to be initiated and finally come of age. -Go get me five crowns. -Back in a flash. Don't screw this up; we've got a whopper of a job lined up. I'm not imposing myself on anybody... Mr. Solidarity. Remove your belt. Pupendo Grande... -Tummy, tummy, tummy... -Oh, Lord... Your eyes... Close them? For the last time, woman, I ask you... Do you want to experience pupendo? Yes... I want pupendo... Pupendo Grande! You infantile idiot! You juvenile delinquent! -So will you do it? -You've got to now. Thank you, Magda. Shake on it? Don't bother. It's dry. Thank you. -Alena, why are you here? -To have a drink with you. You came to check up on me... I'm here to see you stoop to those insurance crooks' level. Don't be condescending. They're normal, educated people. Don't humiliate yourself. I'll stop taking you seriously. They're here... Next you'll be a moneychanger. Just cut the crap! Bedrich Má ra? Academic sculptor Comrade Bedrich Mára? Insurance representative Zdena Gabalová. May I come in? Alena... Please, come in. Hey, Alena... -Would you like some coffee? -I don't drink coffee. A drop of wine? I never drink, let alone in the morning. Let's just get to it. Firstly, Mr. Motycka and Mr. Krauze, whom you negotiated with, don't work for us any longer. -That's too bad. -Indeed. Their work revealed gross intolerable inefficiencies. Next, these are meteorological reports for the date you stated on the form. Here and, indeed, practically all over Europe, May 15th was sunny, without any precipitation. Can you explain why, in a period of below average rainfall, your studio was the only thing far and wide damaged by, and I quote, "A great downpour"? What am I to conclude? A local storm? I spoke with your neighbors. Not one can remember any rain for the past three weeks. Their vegetables are drying up. A local cloud? Insurance isn't a joke. Nor is this the first suspicious claim. -Just a moment. -No, not a moment. -No moment? Look here, ma'am - or is it miss? Are you trying to suggest that my husband is lying? I'm not suggesting anything; it's here in black and white. On that day it rained in Oslo, Riga, and Minsk, nowhere in Central and Western Europe. Don't leave... So our working for a whole day, our whole family cleaning up the soggy results of an entire year's work, work our existence depends on, |
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