Get Paid for using YouTube!


Subtitles for Red Dwarf - 05x01 - Holoship.

English Subtitles for DivX Movies.


Select one of the letters to view a proper section of titles list:

# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z



Red Dwarf - 05x01 - Holoship

Click here to download subtitles file for the movie "Red Dwarf - 05x01 - Holoship"

Get Paid for using YouTube!


Ads:

Oh, Marnie. Oh, my darling, don't.
This isn't a time for sadness, it's a time for joy, laughter. Don't you see?
Whatever this crazy old world throws at us now it doesn't matter.
But we can never be together again.
Oh, darling, you're wrong. We'll always be together.
It's just... we'll be apart.
Wasn't that just beautiful? Oh, well recommended, sir.
Do you think they get back together?
- I don't know. - Pardon?
I don't know!
Wasn't it wonderful, the way he sacrificed everything for the woman he loved?
I thought it was the worst pile of blubbery mush I've ever been compelled to endure.
It's an insult to my backside that it was forced to sit here growing carbuncles
through such putrid adolescent slush.
- You didn't find it uplifting? - Not at all. It was totally unbelievable.
Why give everything up if he'll never see her again?
Because she loved him, and he could have that forever. Right, sir?
Personally, I thought it started well. That stuff with the ducks was great.
When it went black and white, I fell asleep.
Sir, that was the cartoon before the main programme.
Hang on, chaps. We've got a blip. Quadrant 4, sector 492.
- I'm onto it, Holly. - Those kind of films really irritate me.
Just not realistic. There isn't a man in the universe who wouldn't have taken the job.
- Total baloney. - You said that about "King of Kings".
Well, it's true. A carpenter's son who learns tricks like that
and doesn't go into show business?
Do any of us believe that for a second?
- He was the Son of God. - And when he was carrying that cross,
any normal bloke would mule-kick the guys on the left and right
and be over that green hill and far away before you could say Pontius Pilate.
Why do I feel that you've missed the point?
Whether you believe it or not, it's about a dude who sacrifices his life for love.
Not realistic. As if!
You've got no soul, man. No soul.
- Sirs, you should take a look at this. - Another vessel?
Too small. It may be a missile.
- Impact in 37 seconds. - Plotting random evasion course.
What?! Am I the only sane one? Drop the defensive shields!
A superlative suggestion, sir, with just two minor flaws.
One, we don't have any defensive shields, and two, we don't have any defensive shields.
Now, technically speaking, that's only one flaw,
but it was such a big one, it was worth mentioning twice.
Good point. Well made.
Rimmer, what are you doing?
It's incredible! It's beautiful!
It's not registering on any scale. Mass, velocity, molecular structure -
all the readings are zero.
Sir, I'm picking up some kind of energy emission.
They've taken Mr Rimmer!
Quick! Let's get out of here before they bring him back!
I hope we didn't startle you. Nirvanah Crane.
You touched me. I can touch.
- How is this possible? - This entire ship, its crew
and everything on it is computer-generated.
- You're all holograms? Even the ship? - Salut.
Salut.
- How big's the crew? - Just under 2,000. All top-flight personnel.
- Hmm. What a ship. - Floor 3125.
Sports and sexual recreation.
- Sports and what? - Sex.
- Don't you have a sex deck on your ship? - No.
- What do you do when you want to have sex? - Well, we go for runs.
Watch gardening programmes on the ship's vid.
That's very bad for you. Don't you feel tense or frustrated?
Well, it's got worse these last ten years, I can't deny it.
Extraordinary. It's quite different here.
It's a regulation to have sex at least twice a day. It's a health rule.
That's more than some people manage in a lifetime!
I mean sad, lonely people. But what happens if you don't have a partner?
If you don't have a partner?
Well, some people - sad, lonely people -
find that that people just aren't attracted to them that way.
I don't understand. It's bad manners to refuse an offer of sexual coupling.
Well...
People have always complimented me on my good manners.
What a ship!
We discarded the concept of "family" in the 25th century,
when scientists proved that all hang-ups and neuroses are caused by parents.
- I knew it. - Families are disastrous for mental health.
So are relationships. These are outmoded concepts for us.
But surely people still fall in love?
We have developed beyond love.
That is a short-term hormonal distraction
which interferes with the pure pursuit of personal advancement.
We are holograms. There is no risk of disease or pregnancy.
That is why in our society, we only believe in sex...
constant, guilt-free sex.
Poor Mr Rimmer. I fear he is in great danger.
I'm trying to get them to handshake, but they're not responding.
Let's break out the laser cannons and give 'em both barrels.
An adroit suggestion, sir, with just two minor drawbacks...
OK! Forget it!
There's nothing to shoot at. Look - zero mass.
- Of course! A holoship. - A holoship?
The project was in its initial phase when I left the solar system.
Ships of no mass or volume, able to travel as super-light particles -
tachyons - through wormholes and stargates,
crewed by holograms of great genius and bravery.
And they've taken Rimmer? He should fit in just perfectly.
Now I understand why they didn't handshake.
Holocrews are legendarily arrogant.
They despise stupidity wherever they see it, and they see it everywhere.
Hang on, I'm getting another energy emission.
Binks to Enlightenment. Have arrived on the derelict. Confirm initial speculation.
There is absolutely nothing of any value or interest here.
It's an old Class 2 ship-to-surface vessel,
the very model, in fact, that was withdrawn due to major design flaws.
Crew, three. One Series 4000 mechanoid - almost burnt out.
Give it maybe three years. Nothing of salvageable value.
Ah, Felis sapiens, bred from the domestic house cat and about half as smart.
No value in future study of this species.
What have we here? A human being, or a very close approximation.
Chronological age, mid-20s. Physical age, 47.
Grossly overweight, unnecessarily ugly, otherwise would recommend it for the museum.
Apart from that of no value or interest.
Lister to Red Dwarf. We have in our midst a complete smeg-pot.
Brains in the anal region. Chin absent, presumed missing.
Genitalia small and inoffensive, of no value or interest.
Binks to Enlightenment. Evidence of primitive humour.
The human has knowledge of irony, satire and imitation.
With patient tuition could maybe master simple tasks.
Lister to Red Dwarf. Displays evidence of spoiling for a rumble.
Seems unable to grasp simple threats.
With careful pummelling, could possibly be sucking tomorrow's lunch through a straw.
Binks to Enlightenment. The human is under the delusion
that he is somehow able to bestow physical violence to a hologram.
Lister to Red Dwarf. The intruder seems to be blissfully unaware
that we have a rather sturdy holowhip in the munitions cabinet,
and unless he wants his derriere minced like burger meat,
he'd better be history in two seconds.
Binks to Enlightenment. Recon mission complete, transmit.
With speed, Enlightenment. Quickly, please!
Captain, Mr Rimmer from the mining ship Red Dwarf.
Mr Rimmer. Oh, my word. An old Class 1 hologram.
I didn't realise you guys were still around. Captain Hercule Platini,
IQ 212. Number One.
Commander Natalina Pushkin, IQ 201.
Commander Randy Navarro, IQ 194.
Second Technician Arnold Rimmer, IQ unknown.
- Captain, this is a magnificent ship. - So it should be, Mr Rimmer.
After all, it was designed to carry the hologrammatic cream of the Space Corps.
Every crew member is top in his or her field.
This is a ship, Mr Rimmer, of superhumans.
Which is why I feel I could really belong here.
Are you serious?
Everything I want in my life is on this ship. I want to join you.
Mr Rimmer, you are not an officer.
Captain, I've been in effective command of Red Dwarf for four years.
I've guided that ragtail crew of whacked-out crazies and peaceniks through hell and back.
If I gave the order, those guys would crawl over broken glass with their flies unzipped.
So don't tell me I'm not an officer,
just because in deep space, there's no academy to award me my pips.
- You've got to take me. - Unfortunately, it's not that simple.
The Enlightenment has a full ship's complement.
The only way in is "Dead Man's Boots".
You'll have to challenge a crew member.
There are tests which tax the entire vista of your intellect.
Oh.
Tests that probe every aspect of your mental capability.
Ah.
Should you win, your opponent's run time would be terminated
and their life-force would be used to generate you.
Who will be my opponent?
Well, our computer will find the most stimulating match-up.
It has stochastic capabilities.
It predicts the future with only a 5% error margin,
simply by extrapolating the most likely outcome of all known variables.
I am asking it for your best chance of success.
And here it is. Your best shot is crew member 4172.
You have a 96% probability of failure.
Mr Rimmer, you have 24 hours to prepare.
Well, thank you, Commander, for a most fascinating afternoon.
It's been most... fascinating.
If you're not in a rush, we could retire to my quarters and have sex for a few hours.
That was just unbelievable.
It's never been like that before.
Was it OK?
It was... different.
- Different? - You make love like a Japanese meal -
small portions, but so many courses.
- Look, Nirvanah... - We must dress and go now.
- Look, Nirvanah, what I'm trying to say... - Please, don't say anything.
I hope you didn't get me wrong. That meant nothing to me. Less than nothing, really.
Good.
- Like playing tennis. - As it should be.
I, er... don't suppose you fancy a tie-break?
I'm sorry. I've got things I should do.
Niet problemski.
You know... we usually talk.
- What do you talk about? - Oh, research,
new theories, mission profiles.
I'm sorry. I must have seemed ignorant.
I hardly said anything apart from "Geronimo".
Thank you for the workout.
Dress.
Transmit.
Privacy off.
Commander, some amusing news. Stocky has chosen you to meet our guest's challenge.
What you're suggesting is immoral and illegal. Mind-patching is outlawed.
- But it IS possible? - Possible but highly dangerous.
The side effects can be devastating. You could be reduced to a gibbering simpleton.
Reduced?
- I'll take the chance. - Even if it costs your mind?
It's a small price to pay.
Look, on that ship I can touch, feel, taste.
I'm not a half man. I'm whole again.
Rimmer, they're a bunch of arrogant, pompous, emotionally weird, stuck-up megalomaniacs.
Do you really think you'll fit in?
What am I saying? Bon voyage.
He's right, sir. Why throw in with people like that?
To be somebody, to have a position of authority on a scout ship exploring space,
work alongside educated men and women, officers, people who count.
This is my one chance to seize my dream, to be with the winners.
- Look at me. What do you see? - Tell me.
You see a sad and lonely guy who left home at 16 to become an officer and a gentleman
and ended up as a chicken soup machine operative.
Is it any wonder my father had four strokes and used to sit by the window and dribble?
I did that to him. Me.
There's nothing wrong with what you did. It was just a job.
- You ARE your job. - Not so, sir.
Was Albert Camus a goalkeeper or a philosopher?
Was Albert Einstein an office clerk or the greatest physicist who ever lived?
And, of course, there's the simple carpenter's son
who went on to own the largest chain of pizza stores in history, Harry Beedlebaum.
Einstein didn't spend the best years of his life picking poultry from a nozzle cleaner.
That doesn't make you a failure.
It does in my parents' eyes. It does in my brothers' eyes.
It does in the eyes of everyone with eyes. That's exactly what it makes me.
Sir, please reconsider. If not for your sanity,
you haven't considered the moral implications of your decision.
You will be joining a society where you must have sex
with beautiful, brilliant women twice daily on demand.
Now, am I really the only one here who finds that just a little bit tacky?
Well, quite clearly I am.
Sir, I've uploaded the two candidates to be inserted into your mind -
Science Officer Buchan, excellent scientific background, 169 IQ,
and Flight Coordinator McQueen, superlative mathematician, 172 IQ.
Now, even taking into account the enormous drag factor of your own mind,
I still think we'll get something special.
- But I'll still have control? - You'll have access to their knowledge,
but your personality will have the power of veto.
Sir, I implore you to reconsider. Think of the poor officer whose life you will take.
Wasn't it St Francis of Assisi who said, "Never give a sucker an even break"?
Well, if he did, sir, it was strictly off the record.
- Come on, Kryten. Get on with it. - Commencing integration.
Glory or insanity awaits.
- He's read every medical book? - In under three hours.
The change is quite astonishing. But I should warn you -
this is not the pile of human wreckage we know as Arnold Rimmer.
Prepare yourself.
Sir, we've received the co-ordinates. Perhaps we should be... making tracks?
Kry-ten.
I was thinking. Assuming we're not dealing with a basic Euclidean geometric universe
and given that all geomathematics is based on the notion that one plus one is two
and not that one and two are in fact the same thing observed from different precepts...
.. the theoretical shape must therefore be a polydridocdecahooeyhedron
ahexasexahedroadicon and a dibidollyhedecadodron.
- Everything else is poppycock. - Rimmer?
I wrote a palindromic haiku this morning.
- We don't speak Japanese, sir. - I could translate it into Mandarin.
Rimmer, we don't speak Japanese, we don't speak Mandarin, and we don't speak satsuma.
He is really getting on my pecks.
Remember, sir, he's operating on a different level now.
To him, we are the intellectual equivalent of domestic science teachers.
Subject ready for transfer.
Farewell, gentlemen. Glory awaits.
Test candidates, for this purely intellectual challenge, you remain in separate suites.
Questions will come in a variety of languages to confuse and disorient you.
There will be 200,000 questions in this initial session.
After you have completed the tasks at workstation A, proceed to workstation B.
I shall undertake both tasks simultaneously.
- Mr Rimmer, that is impossible. - Nevertheless, I shall attempt it.
It begins.
You're exactly what we're looking for. Are there any questions?
I just want to get one thing clear. This is an opportunity
to be revived as a hologram and become part of the crew - you three.
Basically, you spend your time salvaging spaceships, playing poker and eating curries.
- We don't do that much salvaging. - But you do eat a lot of curries.
We don't eat curry every night.
In fact, I remember quite clearly last June, Mr Lister had a pizza. Remember?
- Yeah. - You didn't like it.
But I poured curry sauce over it, and he yummed it up.
And the all-night poker sessions, is it always strip poker?
- It depends on how drunk we are. - Or how much curry he's had.
So - and this is probably a stupid question -
you don't have much interest in horse riding or ballet?
Fine by us. As long as we can have a curry afterwards, we're cool.
Of course, there's other candidates to see,
but, in theory, if we offered you the post, would you accept?
- No. - No.
- No, I think I'm better off where I am. - But you're dead!
And meeting you guys has really made me appreciate it a whole lot more.
Well, thank you, Ms Harrison.
- Thank you. Thank you very much. - Next.
Next candidate, Deck Sergeant Sam Murray.
Ah, Sam. Now, as Holly told you...
- My own mind's come back! - What happened exactly?
Was it a slow deterioration or did it happen in seconds?
Seconds. I need another mind-patch pronto.
I'm sorry, sir. It's classic rejection syndrome. There's nothing we can do.
- What are you talking about? - Your brain just can't accept an implant.
- No! - I'm sorry, sir.
- There must be something! - I'm afraid not.
But I'm winning, I'm so close... Who's this?
I'm not even gone and you're replacing me!
- We thought you weren't coming back. - You should know better.
You actually expect something to go right for me? Arnold "Schmucko" Rimmer?
Tosspot by Royal Appointment?
Well, where are you going, sir?
I'm going to withdraw.
I hear you're doing well in the assessment.
Well, if you make it, maybe you'd like to have sex next week?
- I'm free Wednesday morning. - I'm busy Wednesday. I'm killing myself.
Floor 6120- botanical gardens.
Arnie, where've you been?
To hell and back.
- I've withdrawn. - But you're winning.
- I was using a mind-patch. - Are you insane?!
I would do anything to get on this ship. Every time I look in the mirror, I see this.
Only to me, it doesn't mean hologram, it means "halfwit",
"hopeless", "hideous failure".
This was a chance to be somebody. Somebody I liked.
I've never met anyone like you before.
- Everyone says that. - Listen to me, mister.
Underneath that neurotic mess is someone nice,
someone who deserves a chance to grow.
So you won't give up, OK?
- OK? - I cheated.
You're going to win, Arnie. You will get your dream. I promise you.
You really think?
I really think.
- I won. - What?!
My opponent withdrew. I won. I'm an officer. I leave tonight.
Look, I'm no good at speeches,
and I know I haven't always been easy to get on with.
And, given the choice, I probably wouldn't have chosen you as friends.
But I just want to say that over the years,
I have come to regard you as... people... I met.
- I'd just better go, OK? - See you, smeghead.
- Transfer. - Transfer.
Here are your quarters, Mr Rimmer.
These are Commander Crane's quarters.
Oh, didn't you know? She was your opponent.
Navigation Officer Rimmer reporting, sir.
Arnold, welcome aboard. I trust everything's to your sa...
Permission to speak, sir.
I wish to resign my commission, sir.
Resign. May I ask your reasoning, please?
Flight Commander Crane has fallen in love with me, sir.
Love? Commander Crane is too intellectually advanced to submit to a hormonal imbalance.
That's why she withdrew from the challenge, sir.
You are suggesting that she cared more for your happiness than for her own life.
Am I? Yes, sir. I suppose I am, sir.
Now you are resigning so that she can be reinstated,
even though you could have everything -
a position of command, an effective physical presence, everything.
Perhaps you'd pass this note on to her, sir.
I understand your gesture, but your resignation solves nothing.
After all, you will still be... apart.
- Permission to return to Red Dwarf, sir. - Granted.
Oh, and, sir, you're wrong.
We won't be apart, we just... won't be together.
I cannot believe I just said that.
# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
RPM
RRRrrrr!!!
RU Ready
Raaz
Rabbit Proof Fence
Rabid Dogs - Cani Arrabbiati 1974
Raccoon War Pom Poko The CD1
Raccoon War Pom Poko The CD2
Radio
Radio Days
Raging Bull 1980
Raid 2003 CD1
Raid 2003 CD2
Raid On Rommel 1971
Rain Children The 2003
Rain Man CD1
Rain Man CD2
Rainmaker The
Rainy Dog - Takashi Miike
Raise Your Voice
Raisin in the Sun A
Raising Victor Vargas (2002) Deity
Raja Hindustani
Ranch The 2004 Unrated Uncut Edition
Random Harvest 1942
Random Hearts (1999)
Rasen (The Spiral)
Rashomon 1950
Ratcatcher (1999)
Ravenous
Ray CD1
Ray CD2
Rayon Vert Le (Rohmer 1986)
Real Cancun The
Real Fiction (Shilje sanghwang)
Real Women Have Curves (2002)
Rear Window
Rebel Music - The Bob Marley Story
Rebel Without a Cause 1955
Recess Schools out
Recipe For Disaster 2003
Reconstruction
Red Dessert (Deserto Rosso) CD1
Red Dessert (Deserto Rosso) CD2
Red Dragon (Jet Lee)
Red Dragon 2002 CD1
Red Dragon 2002 CD2
Red Dwarf - 05x01 - Holoship
Red Dwarf - 05x02 - Quarantine
Red Dwarf - 05x02 - The Inquisitor
Red Dwarf - 05x03 - Terrorform
Red Dwarf - 05x05 - Demons and Angels
Red Dwarf - 05x06 - Back To Reality
Red Dwarf 02x01 - Kryten
Red Dwarf 02x02 - Better Than Life
Red Dwarf 02x03 - Thanks For The Memory
Red Dwarf 02x04 - Stasis Leak
Red Dwarf 02x05 - Queeg
Red Dwarf 02x06 - Parallel Universe
Red Dwarf 03x01 - Backwards
Red Dwarf 03x02 - Marooned
Red Dwarf 03x03 - Polymorph
Red Dwarf 03x04 - Bodyswap
Red Dwarf 03x05 - Timeslides
Red Dwarf 03x06 - The Last Day
Red Dwarf 04x01 - Camille
Red Dwarf 04x02 - DNA
Red Dwarf 04x03 - Justice
Red Dwarf 04x04 - White Hole
Red Dwarf 04x05 - Dimension Jump
Red Dwarf 04x06 - Meltdown
Red Heat
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Off the Map
Red River 1948
Red Shadow
Red Sonja
Red Sorghum 1987
Red Water
Red beard 1965 akahige CD1
Red beard 1965 akahige CD2
Ref The
Regarding Henry 1991
Regle Du Jeux La
Reign of Fire
Reindeer Games
Relentless 1989
Remains of the Day The CD1
Remains of the Day The CD2
Rembrandt
Remember Me CD1
Remember Me CD2
Remember the Titans
Remember the Titans (Standard Edition)
Remo
Rendez-vous 1985
Replacement Killers The
Replacement Killers Who Am I
Replicant The
Requiem for a Dream
Requiem from the Darkness Episode One
Requiem from the Darkness Episode Two
Rescuers Down Under The
Rescuers The
Resident Evil Apocalypse
Respiro grazias island 2002
Resurrection of the little match girl CD1
Resurrection of the little match girl CD2
Return The
Return To Me
Return To Paradise (1998)
Return of The King The
Return of the Dragon
Return to Sender
Return to the Blue Lagoon
Returner (Takashi Yamazaki 2002) CD1
Returner (Takashi Yamazaki 2002) CD2
Reversal Of Fortune (2003) Korean
Revolution OS 2001
Rhapsody In August 1991
Richard III - CD1
Richard III - CD2
Ricordati Di Me CD1
Ricordati Di Me CD2
Ride The
Ridicule 1996
Riding in Cars with Boys
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x01
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x02
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x03
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x04
Rikyu 1989
Ring 0 - Birthday 2000
Ring The CD1
Ring The CD2
Ring Virus
Ring of Bright Water
Rio Bravo 1959 CD1
Rio Bravo 1959 CD2
Rio Lobo (1970) CD1
Rio Lobo (1970) CD2
Rio das Mortes (1971)
Ripleys Game
Ripoux 3
Risky Business
Riso Amaro (1949)
Riten (1969)
Ritual 2000
River Wild The
River of no Return The 1954
Riverworld 2003
Road Movie CD1
Road Movie CD2
Road To Perdition 2
Road Trip (Unrated Edition)
Road to Perdition
Roadhouse
Roaring Twenties The 1939
Rob Roy 1995
Robe The CD1
Robe The CD2
Robe The CD3
Robin Hood (Disney)
Robin Hood - Prince Of Thieves 1991 CD1
Robin Hood - Prince Of Thieves 1991 CD2
Robin Hood Men in tights
Robocop
Robocop Directors Cut 1987
Rock The CD1
Rock The CD2
Rock The CD3
Rocket Brothers (2003)
Rocky Horror Picture Show The
Rocky III
Rodger Dodger
Roger Dodger
Roger and Me 1989
Rogue Trader
RollerBall
Roman Holiday
Roman de Renard Le 1930
Romance
Romancing The Stone 1984
Romantic Comedy
Romeo Is Bleeding 1993
Romeo Must Die
Romeo and Juliet CD1
Romeo and Juliet CD2
Romper Stomper
Ronin CD1
Ronin CD2
Rookie (2002) CD1
Rookie (2002) CD2
Room with a View A CD1
Room with a View A CD2
Rope (1948)
Rose Red (Stephen King) CD1
Rose Red (Stephen King) CD2
Rose Red (Stephen King) CD3
Rosemarys Baby
Rote Sonne
Rouge
Roughnecks - The Starship Troopers Chronicles (1999)
Roxanne
Royal Engagement CD1
Royal Engagement CD2
Royal Tenenbaums The
Royal Tramp (Stephen Chow)
Royal Tramp 2 (Stephen Chow)
Rudy (1993)
Rue Des Plaisirs (2002)
Rugrats Go Wild
Rules of Attraction The
Ruling Class The 1972
Rumble Fish 1983
Rumble in the Bronx CD1
Rumble in the Bronx CD2
Run
Run 2 U
Run Silent Run Deep
Runaway Bride
Runaway Jury
Runaway Train
Rundown The
Running Out Of Time
Running Out Of Time 2
Running Scared 1983
Rurouni Kenshin TV 1-9 2000
Rusalka CD1
Rusalka CD2
Rusalka CD3
Rush Hour - New Line Platinum Series
Rush Hour 2 (2001) CD1
Rush Hour 2 (2001) CD2
Rushmore (1999)
Rusians Are Coming The Rusians Are Coming The CD1
Rusians Are Coming The Rusians Are Coming The CD2
Russian Ark (Aleksandr Sokurov 2002)
Ruthless People