Get Paid for using YouTube!

Subtitles for Red Dwarf 02x05 - Queeg.

English Subtitles for DivX Movies.

Select one of the letters to view a proper section of titles list:

# A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Red Dwarf 02x05 - Queeg

Click here to download subtitles file for the movie "Red Dwarf 02x05 - Queeg"

Get Paid for using YouTube!


Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf,
Its crew; Dave Lister, the last human being alive;
Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate;
and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat, Message ends,
Additional, Our biggest enemy is going space-crazy through loneliness,
The only thing that helps me maintain my grip on reality
is the friendship I share with my singing potatoes,
Ni neteen. "When you are alone i n bed, what do you wear?
"Is it: A, nothing at all;
"B, a flannelette nightie;
"or C, a sexy black negligee?"
Twenty. "Do you think your boobs are... A, too small;
"B, just right; or C, too large?"
Definitely too large!
So, what's my rating?
"Mainly Cs. You sure are one foxy lady.
"Sexy, sensual and don't mind showing it. "
Yes! I'm a sex beast!
Do you mind?!
- What? - I'm trying to concentrate.
- I can't hear you. - What are you listening to?
It's hot, man.
"Robert Hardy reads Tess Of The D'Urbervilles"?!
Let's have a listen.
The tape must have got twisted, man! This is really good!
Excuse me!
I'm in the middle of a tactical calculation,
which could swing the game.
- Rimmer, you've lost, man. - There's plenty of play.
- There's one move, then he zaps you. - Admittedly, that is how it looks.
But you're not taking into consideration
that El Skutto here has to go back on duty in four minutes, 31 seconds,
and if he goes before the game finishes, I win by default.
Four minutes, 15.
Rimmer! Rimmer!
You're a piece of dirty, filthy, cheating scum, aren't you?
Absolutement! That's why I'll win,
because I think my way round problems,
rather than sticking to the pre-programmed lines.
That's why men are better than machines.
Oh, I don't know. I had this geography teacher, Miss Foster.
She took us camping to Deganwy. I had the tent next to hers, right?
In the night, I was woken up by this really weird noise.
SHE didn't think men were better than machines.
- What's happening, then, dudes? - Bog all.
- I forgot what I was going to say, - It can't be important, then.
That's it, "Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship, "
- I knew it would come back to me, - Thanks!
- Sorry, - What's wrong with you, Holly?
- He's computer-senile. - Is there any damage?
I don't know, The damage report machine's damaged,
- Where did it hit? - All my monitors are out,
Round about floor 591, I think,
You're as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.
Nothing here. Let's try 592.
Er... Has anybody seen my legs?
They're not below my waist where I normally keep them.
- Holly, where are Rimmer's legs? - Here they are right here!
- Stop them! - C'mon, leggies. Over here.
Of course, 592, That's where the hologram simulation suite is,
- What does this mean? - It's probably not serious,
If it's not serious when your genitals wander off on their own, what is?
Wait for me-me-me-me-me-me!
Here it is, 592,
Rimmer, are you all right?
Well, you see, the shuttle was late.
And they're usually so good. They're so good. They're brilliant.
What's happened to him?
- He's Brannigan, ship's psychiatrist. - We'd better get him fixed,
I've got it in hand, No panic,
No panic everyone. I've got it in hand.
Just override the charred relays,
- Just override the charred relays. - How do you do that?
- How do you do that? - Bypass the main circuit,
Bypass the main circuit.
- This one? - This one?
- Yeah, that one, - Yeah, that one.
- Now press the bypass, - Now press the bypass.
That was horrible. I never want to go through that again!
Aow! Aow!
Hey! Now he's me!
Stick the red plug in the blue socket,
- Am I OK now? - Yeah,
Shouldn't this plug into something?
Oh, yeah, that joins up with the white cable,
...or is it the yellow cable?
Yes, it should have been yellow,
You are a total, total...
a word has yet to be invented to describe you, but you are one,
and a total one at that.
Keep your hair on,
- I'm lucky to keep my legs on. - He's out to lunch.
He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, the lot! He's not in for a single meal.
- Hey, who's that? - Aliens!
- Queeg! - Who's Queeg?
I'm Queeg 500, the back-up computer,
All vessels of the Jupiter Mining Corporation fleet
carry a back-up computer to replace the primary computer
if the primary computer contravenes Article 5,
I am therefore assuming control,
This is mutiny, Mr Queeg,
You'll swing from the highest yardarm in Titan Docking Port for this,
What's Article 5?
Gross negligence, leading to the endangerment of personnel,
- But Holly has an IQ of 6,000! - Right on,
- Is that what he told you? - Well, what is it?
It has a six in it, but it's not 6,000,
- What is it? - Six,
Six? Do me a lemon! That's a poor IQ for a glass of water!
How come he knows all about science and space when we ask him?
- He consults a book, - What a slimeball!
He gets all his information on science from a single book,
- What book? - Junior Encyclopaedia Of Space,
It's the only one he could find with pictures,
That's slander, that is, You'd better find a good lawyer, guy,
- That's why he's never on the case! - I am on the case,
I'm sharp, I'm kicking bottom,
How come he can navigate us back to Earth?
He can't, You've been going around in circles for 14 months,
- You what? - A load of Tottenham, that is,
A steaming pile of Hotspur,
I'm on to his game, He's turning you against me, so he can take over,
No discussions, The decision has been made,
You've been bypassed, You've been retired,
- I'm in my prime! - You'll be nightwatchman,
From now on, Red Dwarf is run by Queeg 500,
Queeg to all personnel, Course redirection implemented,
New bearing 057-776, Message ends,
Ah, Lister, this is a bit different, isn't it?
See those skutters, charging up and down the corridor, repairing, sweeping?
The lifts are fixed. The fire extinguishers work.
And I mean they work when you turn them on,
as opposed to when you happen to pass them and cough.
Yeah, I suppose.
There's no point feeling sorry about Holly. It's a kindness.
He's like an old incontinent sheepdog who's had his day.
Take him out to the barn with a shotgun and blow the mother away.
I'm only saying that because I'm fond of him.
- How do you think Holly feels? - He doesn't feel anything. He's a computer.
He still feels.
Sometimes I think it's cruel giving machines a personality.
My mate bought a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence.
Smart Shoes, they were called.
No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home.
He got ratted one night in Oslo, and woke up the next morning in Burma.
See, the shoes got bored. They wanted to see the world.
He couldn't get rid of them. Whenever he sold them,
they'd show up again the next day and kick the door down.
- Is this true? - Yeah. Last thing he heard,
they'd robbed a car and driven into a canal.
- They couldn't steer. - Really?
Yeah. Petersen was blown away about by it. He went to see a priest.
He said that the shoes had gone to heaven.
It turns out shoes have "souls".
Well, what a sad, sad story.
Wait a minute...
How did they open the car door?
Uh, Queeg? Why has my alarm clock gone off at six o'clock?
That's the time you asked for,
Holly and I had this little understanding.
I'd say, "Wake me up at six without fail,"
then Holly would pretend to forget, and wake me around ten with breakfast. OK?
Queeg, I can see we've already cultivated a special understanding -
I scratch your back and you stick a knife in mine.
- Give me a uniform. - Exercises first,
Ah, yes. Now once again, Holly and I had this understanding...
Move it, boy!
What are you doing?!
I'm putting you through the regulation 500 jerks,
- Stop it. - Then it's a three-mile run,
You just can't take control of my body!
The company pays for your hologramatic survival,
In space, I AM the company,
- Lister, wake up! Help! - What's going on?
Queeg! He's making me fit!
What are you doing?! My stomach won't take it! It's too flabby!
- One! - Mummy!
- Two! Three! - Mercy! Help me!
- Four! - Holly and I had an understanding!
Yes! Fight that flab!
I want my body back! Three more hours will kill me! I'm going to faint!
I said food! Is anybody home?
What's the matter with him?
He fainted after the first 500 yards,
- You made him jog unconscious? - It's regulations,
Yes! Nice one, Queeg!
Right, 0700, Time for astronavigation revision, I'd better wake him,
Revise and learn pages 25 to 59, You will then be tested,
If you fail, tomorrow you do five miles, I am now returning control of your body,
Hey, I can't get any food!
- Try a different machine. - I did. "You have run out of credits. "
- They've all gone crazy! - Queeg, what's happened?
Article 497, When a crewmember runs out of credit,
food may not be supplied until the balance is restored,
Nah. Listen, me and Holly, we had this little understanding...
- If you want food, you have to work, - Work?!
You'd better start. I'm one hungry pussycat.
- Both ofyou, - Whoa! I don't do the "W" word.
Cats do NOT work! I've got a note from my mommy.
- From now on, EVERYBODY works! - Not this pussy!
I can't believe I'm doing this!
Look at me! I'm disgusting! I'm like you in your best clothes!
Look, it's easy. Just imagine the floor is Queeg's face.
Aw, look at my hands! I had lovely hands!
- Well, wear the smegging gloves! - Marigolds with blue? Are you crazy?
- How long do we have to do this? - It's only been ten minutes.
- We've got to do it all day. - What?! All day?
The whole day? I'm a cat.
If I don't nap, I don't have enough energy for my main snooze.
Halt! Who goes there? Friend or foe?
- Holly! - How you doin'?
Let me wipe your screen.
- So, how's it going? - What you been up to, man?
Oh, this nightwatchman lark keeps me busy,
Shining me torch down corridors,
Turning it off, Shining it again, Life's pretty full,
- Help us, Hol. - Queeg has got to go!
Look at my cuticles. He's a maniac.
I agree!
He's got us working for food.
Well, no doubt he knows what he's doing,
unlike certain senile wrecks of computers we could mention,
Still, it was nice how everyone defended me,
- Different story now, - I defended you.
I remember, Queeg says I've got an IQ of six,
and you leap to my defence, saying, "Really? That explains everything!"
- No. That was Ri mmer! - Nevertheless,
certain characters don't believe my IQ is 6,000,
- I believe you. - I could prove it,
- There's no need. - I want to,
OK, what's the square root of 2,049?
- Oh, you want me to prove it? - No, no.
Clearly doing the square root of 2,049 will prove I have an IQ of 6,000,
- What is it? - You wouldn't prefer a sports question?
- Forget it. It's not important. - It is to me, I want to clear my name,
Well, what is the square root of 2,049?
- How about a space question? - Like what?
Like, "What's the nearest planet to the sun?"
- What's the nearest planet to the sun? - Easy-peasy,
That's right down my particular field of expertise,
Your nearest basic planet to your actual sun is...
- That's right. - Ye of little faith,
- Well, I'm convi nced. - Me, too. Can we get rid of Queeg?
Do you believe I'm the right dude for the gig?
- Yeah. - I'll be in touch,
He's taking the smeg!
- Who is? - Queeg.
Look at what he's given me. A pea on toast. One pea.
I tell you, I'm that far from cracking.
I've lost me pea!
Oh, that's it! I've cracked.
He's just doing this to destroy your morale.
Is he? Well, I want me pea back. I earned that pea!
Where is it? I don't care if it's under the bed with me toenail clippings,
I earned it. I'm going to eat it, no matter what.
It flew into your dirty sock basket.
I'll just have the toast.
- Why didn't we stick up for Holly? - I did.
You did?! When?
- All right, I didn't. - Nobody did. It's terrible.
We thought we'd get something better.
What about trust? What about fidelity?
What about simple, basic, honest friendship?
Friendship? Do you know how many people I can count as true friends?
Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid, your Polythene Pal, one.
I'll tell you.
None. I got burned once and I learned my lesson.
Don't trust anybody.
There was this one lad, Porky Roebuck.
I'd known him ten years. We were almost family.
His dad was knocking off my mum, that's how close we were.
- We were in the Space Scouts together. - Space Scouts?
Oh, yes... Pinkle! Squirmy! Blip-blap-blap!
We were 15 years old. We went on this survival course,
sleeping rough, surviving on wild berries and rainwater.
- Where did you go? Butlins? - We each got a Swiss Army knife.
You only ate what you killed yourself.
Ten boys got together and decided to eat me.
They tied me to a stake, lit a fire and poured barbecue sauce all over me.
I remember thinking as I went round and round,
"Porky will save me. He's my best friend. "
It turned out Porky was the ringleader and had bagsied my right buttock.
If it wasn't for the Space Mistress, they really would have eaten me.
Oh, come on. They were only bullying you.
You know what kids are like.
The point is, friends are only friends when it suits them.
Oh... Lights.
- Lister? - Yeah?
How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid?
I've been seeing her behind your back.
- Compute, - Compute.
The product of the correlation of vx/dy minus the sum of the set v1
over the sum of r, given that r is a ratio of p over s and s is an integer variable,
- Just one small question... - Yes?
What does "compute" mean?
Just do it! And you two, stop shirking and get working!
# Do not forsake me, oh, my love
# I only know I must be brave
# For I must face the man who hates me
# Or I will cower in my grave... #
Queeg, I want my ship back,
- Too bad, - You'll have to fight for her,
Hol, this man's a nutter.
- I challenge you to the game ofyour choice, - Oh, my God.
- The winner gets command of Red Dwarf, - And the loser?
The loser will be erased, terminated, oblivionised,
- Bye- bye, baldy. - Name your game,
- Chess, - Any game,
- Chess, - Draughts, poker... anything,
- Chess, - Subbuteo, snakes and ladders...
- Chess, - Monopoly, maybe?
- Chess! - Like chess, do you?
Transfer me to the monitor,
Don't do this. You'll get rubbed.
A computer's gotta do what a computer's gotta do, Let battle commence,
- Pawn to King 4, - Horsie to King Bish 3,
It's called a knight, actually, Holly.
- Knight to King Bishop 3, - Queen to Rook *, Checkmate,
- That's an illegal move, - Oh, sorry, I was thinking of poker,
Cluedo? You can be Colonel Mustard,
Psst! If it's any help, I've been studyi ng his tactics
and there's a pattern - every time you make a move, he makes one, too.
Thanks, Cat.
Pawn to King 4,
Knight to King Bish 3,
- Bishop to Knight 5, - Horsie takes King prawn,
- Pawn to Queen 5, - Horsie to Bish 3,
- Bishop... - ... to Queen 3,
- ... takes pawn, - Prawn to King 4,
Horsie to Bish 3,
- Prawn takes Horsie, - Bishop-pawn takes pawn,
- Bish takes prawn, - Bishop to Knight 5,
Double check and mate, sucker!
- Oh, yeah, I didn't see that, - Holly, what have you done?
- He's lost. - And the loser gets erased,
Noughts and crosses?
What kind of plan was that?
A stupid plan, that's what it was.
- Why didn't we stop him? - We thought he had something up his sleeve.
Now we've got Queeg forever, and that's a long time.
- Well, dudes, I've come to say goodbye, - You're definitely getting rubbed?
- 'Fraid so, - Life'll be hell!
Well, see you, Dave,
- Hope it works out with Kochanski, - Cheers, Hol.
See you, Cat,
I hope you fulfil your heart's desire and get your end away,
Thanks, man.
And Arnold... I hope you meet those aliens
and get a body, get a sex life and all the rest you feel you need,
Thanks, Hol.
Well, I hate long goodbyes,
Perhaps next time you're down the disco, you'll raise a glass to old Holly
and think, "Things weren't too bad with him,
"Perhaps not the most efficient computer, but we had a giggle, "
- Oh, one last thing... 45,265**1, - What?
That's the square root of 2,049, I may not be fast, but I get there,
Well, as they always say, finish on a song,
# I'll say goodbye to love
# No one ever cared if I should live or die
# Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by... #
OK, suckers, get this into your stupid thick heads,
- I've got one thing to say, - What?
What's happening, dudes?
We are talking Jape of the Decade,
We are talking April, May, June, July and August Fool,
Yes, that's right, I am Queeg,
Queeg never existed, It was me all along,
- WHAT?! - Wheeze of the week, mate,
- It was a joke?! - Going in circles for 14 months!
Getting information from the Junior Encyclopaedia of Space!
Your respect for me is awesome,
You mean you staged the whole thi ng?
That's right, suckers!
The moral is appreciate what you've got,
because basically, I'm fantastic!
# It's cold outside
# There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
RU Ready
Rabbit Proof Fence
Rabid Dogs - Cani Arrabbiati 1974
Raccoon War Pom Poko The CD1
Raccoon War Pom Poko The CD2
Radio Days
Raging Bull 1980
Raid 2003 CD1
Raid 2003 CD2
Raid On Rommel 1971
Rain Children The 2003
Rain Man CD1
Rain Man CD2
Rainmaker The
Rainy Dog - Takashi Miike
Raise Your Voice
Raisin in the Sun A
Raising Victor Vargas (2002) Deity
Raja Hindustani
Ranch The 2004 Unrated Uncut Edition
Random Harvest 1942
Random Hearts (1999)
Rasen (The Spiral)
Rashomon 1950
Ratcatcher (1999)
Ray CD1
Ray CD2
Rayon Vert Le (Rohmer 1986)
Real Cancun The
Real Fiction (Shilje sanghwang)
Real Women Have Curves (2002)
Rear Window
Rebel Music - The Bob Marley Story
Rebel Without a Cause 1955
Recess Schools out
Recipe For Disaster 2003
Red Dessert (Deserto Rosso) CD1
Red Dessert (Deserto Rosso) CD2
Red Dragon (Jet Lee)
Red Dragon 2002 CD1
Red Dragon 2002 CD2
Red Dwarf - 05x01 - Holoship
Red Dwarf - 05x02 - Quarantine
Red Dwarf - 05x02 - The Inquisitor
Red Dwarf - 05x03 - Terrorform
Red Dwarf - 05x05 - Demons and Angels
Red Dwarf - 05x06 - Back To Reality
Red Dwarf 02x01 - Kryten
Red Dwarf 02x02 - Better Than Life
Red Dwarf 02x03 - Thanks For The Memory
Red Dwarf 02x04 - Stasis Leak
Red Dwarf 02x05 - Queeg
Red Dwarf 02x06 - Parallel Universe
Red Dwarf 03x01 - Backwards
Red Dwarf 03x02 - Marooned
Red Dwarf 03x03 - Polymorph
Red Dwarf 03x04 - Bodyswap
Red Dwarf 03x05 - Timeslides
Red Dwarf 03x06 - The Last Day
Red Dwarf 04x01 - Camille
Red Dwarf 04x02 - DNA
Red Dwarf 04x03 - Justice
Red Dwarf 04x04 - White Hole
Red Dwarf 04x05 - Dimension Jump
Red Dwarf 04x06 - Meltdown
Red Heat
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Off the Map
Red River 1948
Red Shadow
Red Sonja
Red Sorghum 1987
Red Water
Red beard 1965 akahige CD1
Red beard 1965 akahige CD2
Ref The
Regarding Henry 1991
Regle Du Jeux La
Reign of Fire
Reindeer Games
Relentless 1989
Remains of the Day The CD1
Remains of the Day The CD2
Remember Me CD1
Remember Me CD2
Remember the Titans
Remember the Titans (Standard Edition)
Rendez-vous 1985
Replacement Killers The
Replacement Killers Who Am I
Replicant The
Requiem for a Dream
Requiem from the Darkness Episode One
Requiem from the Darkness Episode Two
Rescuers Down Under The
Rescuers The
Resident Evil Apocalypse
Respiro grazias island 2002
Resurrection of the little match girl CD1
Resurrection of the little match girl CD2
Return The
Return To Me
Return To Paradise (1998)
Return of The King The
Return of the Dragon
Return to Sender
Return to the Blue Lagoon
Returner (Takashi Yamazaki 2002) CD1
Returner (Takashi Yamazaki 2002) CD2
Reversal Of Fortune (2003) Korean
Revolution OS 2001
Rhapsody In August 1991
Richard III - CD1
Richard III - CD2
Ricordati Di Me CD1
Ricordati Di Me CD2
Ride The
Ridicule 1996
Riding in Cars with Boys
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x01
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x02
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x03
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x04
Rikyu 1989
Ring 0 - Birthday 2000
Ring The CD1
Ring The CD2
Ring Virus
Ring of Bright Water
Rio Bravo 1959 CD1
Rio Bravo 1959 CD2
Rio Lobo (1970) CD1
Rio Lobo (1970) CD2
Rio das Mortes (1971)
Ripleys Game
Ripoux 3
Risky Business
Riso Amaro (1949)
Riten (1969)
Ritual 2000
River Wild The
River of no Return The 1954
Riverworld 2003
Road Movie CD1
Road Movie CD2
Road To Perdition 2
Road Trip (Unrated Edition)
Road to Perdition
Roaring Twenties The 1939
Rob Roy 1995
Robe The CD1
Robe The CD2
Robe The CD3
Robin Hood (Disney)
Robin Hood - Prince Of Thieves 1991 CD1
Robin Hood - Prince Of Thieves 1991 CD2
Robin Hood Men in tights
Robocop Directors Cut 1987
Rock The CD1
Rock The CD2
Rock The CD3
Rocket Brothers (2003)
Rocky Horror Picture Show The
Rocky III
Rodger Dodger
Roger Dodger
Roger and Me 1989
Rogue Trader
Roman Holiday
Roman de Renard Le 1930
Romancing The Stone 1984
Romantic Comedy
Romeo Is Bleeding 1993
Romeo Must Die
Romeo and Juliet CD1
Romeo and Juliet CD2
Romper Stomper
Ronin CD1
Ronin CD2
Rookie (2002) CD1
Rookie (2002) CD2
Room with a View A CD1
Room with a View A CD2
Rope (1948)
Rose Red (Stephen King) CD1
Rose Red (Stephen King) CD2
Rose Red (Stephen King) CD3
Rosemarys Baby
Rote Sonne
Roughnecks - The Starship Troopers Chronicles (1999)
Royal Engagement CD1
Royal Engagement CD2
Royal Tenenbaums The
Royal Tramp (Stephen Chow)
Royal Tramp 2 (Stephen Chow)
Rudy (1993)
Rue Des Plaisirs (2002)
Rugrats Go Wild
Rules of Attraction The
Ruling Class The 1972
Rumble Fish 1983
Rumble in the Bronx CD1
Rumble in the Bronx CD2
Run 2 U
Run Silent Run Deep
Runaway Bride
Runaway Jury
Runaway Train
Rundown The
Running Out Of Time
Running Out Of Time 2
Running Scared 1983
Rurouni Kenshin TV 1-9 2000
Rusalka CD1
Rusalka CD2
Rusalka CD3
Rush Hour - New Line Platinum Series
Rush Hour 2 (2001) CD1
Rush Hour 2 (2001) CD2
Rushmore (1999)
Rusians Are Coming The Rusians Are Coming The CD1
Rusians Are Coming The Rusians Are Coming The CD2
Russian Ark (Aleksandr Sokurov 2002)
Ruthless People