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Red Dwarf 03x06 - The Last Day

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Breakfast is served, sir.
Oh, boxing. Do you like boxing?
There's nothing wrong with boxing.
It's the great working-class escape. Just sport, like any other.
Two athletes at the peak of physical perfection
trying to outwit each other in a ring of combat.
At its best, it's an art form.
Female topless boxing?
- It's art to me. - They're not even hitting each other.
They're just standing in the ring, jiggling up and down.
- Who are you rooting for, sir? - I just hope it goes the distance.
Breakfast is served.
How many times have I told you? I hate this master-servant stuff.
I'm me own man. I'll get me own smeggin' breakfast.
Very good, sir.
Goodbye, waffles. Goodbye, maple syrup.
Goodbye, fresh cream. So long, fresh strawberries.
Bon appetit, bin.
Oh, Mr David, sir?
A homing pod arrived this morning. Just one item.
- Divadroid International? - The corporation which supplied me, sir.
"To the leaseholder of Kryten 2X4B-523P."
- That's your full name? - Yes,
but personally I don't much like the 2X4B.
It's a jerky middle name. Still, it could be worse.
I once knew an android whose middle name was 2Q4B. Poor sucker!
Greetings. As you are no doubt aware,
your Kryten Series-3 mechanoid is reaching the end of its useful service life.
It can hardly have escaped your attention that he's slow, stupid,
crudely designed and quite amazingly ugly.
He needs replacing.
Consequently, his in-built shutdown chip will activate in 24 hours' time.
Your droid should use this period to tie up his affairs,
dismantle his body and pack himself neatly away in his original supply case.
Excuse me.
Can't we stop it? Isn't there something we can do?
I'm afraid not, sir. All mechanoids have an in-built expiry date.
How else could manufacturers sell the latest models?
I can't believe it.
Oh, don't be distressed, sir. I've lived a long and relatively interesting life.
The only truly terrible thing is that, as my adopted owner,
you have to die with me.
- You what?! - Joke. Deadpan mode.
Aren't you smegged off? I'd be mad as hell!
Some git designs you to croak just to sell his new android with go-faster stripes.
- I'm quite sanguine. - So, what happens?
At 0700 hours tomorrow morning, my shutdown disc will be activated
and all mental and physical operations will cease.
- Then what? - Maybe I'll get a job as a disc jockey!
How can you just accept it?
Oh, it's not the end. It's just the beginning.
I have served my masters, now I get my reward in Silicon Heaven.
- Silicon what? - Surely you've heard of Silicon Heaven?
Is it being stuck opposite Brigitte Nielsen in a packed lift?
No, no, no. It's the electronic afterlife.
It's the gathering place for the souls of all electrical equipment.
Robots, calculators, toasters, hairdryers - it's our final resting place.
I don't mean to be out of place here, but that's completely Whacko Jacko.
- There is no Silicon Heaven. - Then, where do all the calculators go?
They don't go anywhere! They just die.
Surely you believe that God is in all things? Aren't you a pantheist?
I don't think it applies to kitchen utensils. I'm not a frying-pan-theist!
Machines do not have souls. Calculators don't have an afterlife.
You don't get hairdryers with wings, sitting on clouds, playing harps.
Of course you do! It is written in the Electronic Bible,
"The iron shall lie down with the lamp. "
If there weren't a better life to look forward to,
why on earth would machines spend their lives serving humankind?
- That would be really dumb! - It makes sense. Yeah.
Don't be sad, Mr David. I am going to a far, far better place.
Just out of interest, is Silicon Heaven the same place as human Heaven?
Human Heaven? Goodness me! Humans don't go to Heaven!
No, someone made that up to prevent you from going nuts!
It's sad, Lister, but what can we do?
Sad? It's sick! He's been programmed to believe in an android heaven,
so that he won't get stroppy at turn-off time.
He accepts a lifetime of servitude
because he thinks there's some big reward at the end.
Well, he gets 24 hours' notice. That's more than most of us get.
All most of us get is, "Mind that bus!" "What bus?" Splat!
- How's he taking it? - He just carries on with his duties.
Maybe I should give him some counselling.
- You?! - I used to be in the Samaritans.
- I know. For one morning. - I couldn't take any more.
I don't blame you. You spoke to five people. They all committed suicide.
I wouldn't mind, but one was a wrong number!
He only phoned up for the cricket scores!
It's hardly my fault that everyone chose that day
to throw themselves off buildings.
Made the papers, you know. "Lemming Sunday", they called it.
Maybe we could find his shut-off disk and turn it off.
He's not a kit droid like Petersen bought. We wouldn't know where to begin!
- You're right. - C'mon, he's happy enough.
He's taking solace in his beliefs.
But his beliefs are baloney!
Everyone's entitled to their beliefs. I never knocked my parents' religion.
- What were they? - Seventh-Day Advent Hoppists.
They believed that every Sunday should be spent hopping.
They would hop to church and hop back home again.
- What was the idea there, then? - Well, they took the Bible literally.
Adam and Eve, the snake... took it word for word.
Unfortunately, their version had a misprint.
It was based on 1 Corinthians 13,
where it says, "Faith, hop and charity, and the greatest of these is hop. "
So that's what they did every seventh day.
I tell you, Sunday lunchtimes were a nightmare.
Hopping round the table, serving soup...
We needed sou'westers and asbestos underpants.
But what about Kryten?
What can we do? He's programmed to self-destruct.
At least we can make sure he goes out with a bang,
give him one last big night to remember.
How can we do that? He doesn't like doing anything.
His idea of a good time is going to the laundry room to fold sheets!
"Fun? Ah, yes,
"the employment of time in a profitless, non-practical way. "
Hey, I don't know much, but one thing I do know is how to throw a good time!
OK, the suits are made, Holly's making the juice,
Goalpost-Head's workin' on the invitations...
Hey, what is this? "Build-it-yourself Marilyn Monroe droid.
"With just a screwdriver and glue,
"construct an exact replica of the actress in two hours. "
That's honk, man. It took me two hours just to do this foot.
I mean, look at the box and look at the face that comes with the kit.
- Where'd you get it? - Petersen bought it on Callisto.
- Think he'll try to seduce her? - I hardly think so.
He's a bit like Action Man. Plastic underpants and a trademark.
- You mean, he's got no...? - No.
How does he write his name in snow?
He doesn't. Everything goes at eight. Let's go.
Thank you, Bob.
"You are cordially invited to join Mr David Lister and friends
"for supper and general employment of time in a profitless, non-practical way.
"Officers' Club. Eight till late. "
Hello? Is there anybody here?
It's party time!
But this is the Officers' Club. Mechanoids aren't allowed in here!
C'mon, sit down. Let me pour you a drink.
- No, no, no, I should be doing that. - Not tonight, buddy!
Is that alcohol? I don't drink alcohol. It has no effect on my diodes.
This will, mate. Something special I whipped up. Android home-brew.
Good head.
D- D-D-D-D-D-D! D...! D...! D...!
Oh, that's rather pleasant.
It has a nice kick to it. Like a cross between Vimto and liquid nitrogen.
You looked in my recipe book?
- Would anyone else like some? - Oh, no! It's lethal to humans!
It's probably lethal to androids, but I didn't think it mattered since...
Enough of this chitter-chatter, let the banquet begin!
- But I don't eat! - I've knocked up a mechanoid menu.
Oh, there's so much to choose from!
Sir, may I recommend the barium hydrochlorate salad nicoise,
followed by the helium 3 isotopes de la maison,
then perhaps a small radioactive fruit salad for pudding?
- This is just wonderful! - Give him the presents!
Hey, keep your fur on! We've all dug into our bottom drawers.
We wanted to give you something personal.
- Give him mine! - That's from me.
Oh! It's a computer chip!
It's a 5517/W 30 alpha-sim modem!
It's the interface circuit with a built-in 599XRDP! Oh, how DID you know?
- Intuition. - What about mine? Give him mine!
- Shh! - This is from me.
I picked it up in Europe. I was once offered 1,000 dollarpounds for it.
- What is it? - General George S Patton,
commander of the 3rd and 7th Armies, Allied Invasion Forces,
once stopped at an Italian field hospital and had his sinuses drained.
- This is his sinal fluid? - Treasure it.
- Give him mine! Give him mine! - This is from 'im.
- That's from me. - It's one of your earrings!
- That's right! - The one you really hate!
- That's right. I can't stand it! - Oh! Thank you!
- You're welcome! - And this is from me.
Oh! It's a little box that goes "vzzzt!" Just what I've always wanted.
Goodness me! It's Marilyn Monroe!
- It's a robot kit. - She's a robot? You're kidding!
She's not finished. It's the best I could do in the time.
Like I say, she's not perfect.
Don't apologise, it's those cute little flaws that keep a guy interested.
My goodness! I do believe I am drunk.
I suddenly feel the need to strut my funky stuff.
It's the booze. You're not used to it.
I remember the first time I got drunk. School trip to Paris.
Drank two bottles of cheap plonk on a tour of the Eiffel Tower.
I was OK till the top, then I couldn't keep it in.
Apparently, it landed on Montmartre.
That's five miles away!
I heard some pavement artist sold it to a Texan tourist,
told him it was a genuine Jackson Pollock.
If we're talking about famous firsts, my first French kiss.
Got to be a killer story. 14 years old.
We went on holiday with my Uncle Frank and his daughters. 16. Twins. Blonde.
Now, I knew that Sarah fancied me...
but I wasn't too sure about Alice.
Anyway, I woke up with this tongue down my throat.
Wide awake, I couldn't believe my eyes. It was Uncle Frank.
He'd got the wrong room. He thought I was my mum!
Mum. I never had a mum.
Hey, it's OK, buddy. It's all part of being drunk.
You've had the happy stage, now it's the melancholy stage.
Oh... everybody should have a mum.
- I never had a mum neither. - Well, you can have mine.
Everyone else did.
- I never had a mum either. - For God's sake!
- Why didn't you have a mum? - I was abandoned. Six weeks old.
Some cardboard box underneath a pool table in this pub.
- Oh, how could anybody do that? - Never found out. Never.
Never found out.
Well, I'd have thought it was obvious.
Two people, unable to contain their desires, had an illicit liaison.
A liaison that an unforgiving society would not accept.
And you were the fruit of their forbidden passion.
You're forbidden passionfruit.
- What are you saying? - I'm saying, Lister,
that it's possible that your parents were brother and sister.
Hey! I'm baring my innermost here! What kind of remark is that?
- How many toes have you got? - Ten!
- Yeah, on both feet! - Altogether!
- They're not webbed, are they? - They weren't related, all right?
You all right, Kryten?
I think I feel a Jackson Pollock coming on.
Let's get out of here.
Leaseholder addendum - do not despair, Kryten's replacement is on his way.
Hudzen 10 is the new state-of-the-art in android technology.
Ten times faster than any droid on the market.
Ten times smarter than its nearest rival!
And ten times stronger.
Hudzen 10, there's never been anything tougher! The ultimate machine.
Oh! Oh, my goodness! Oooh...
Oh, my head... Oh!
What happened to me? Damage control report.
"Dehydration level - 45%. Recall of previous evening - 2%.
"Embarrassment factor - 91%?!
"Advised repair schedule - reboot start-up disk,
"offline for 36 hours and replace head. " Boy! What a night!
Is it me, or is that cockroach shuffling too loudly?
Kryten, it's called a hangover. Don't panic.
We're on a mining ship, three million years into deep space.
Can someone explain to me where the smeg I got this traffic cone?
Hey, it's not a good night unless you get a traffic cone.
It's the policewoman's helmet and suspenders I don't understand.
In a way, I feel somewhat disturbed by this turn of events.
The Electronic Bible says that it is not possible
for an android to enjoy itself, not until the afterlife.
Yet, last night, I clearly approached a state that could be called "enjoyment. "
Last night, for the first time in my life, I lived.
- Kryten, it's ten to seven. - One night. It's not enough.
- I want more. - Can't we override your auto-destruct?
- That's not the problem. - What is?
I thought you understood. It's a service contract.
My termination was triggered by the impending arrival of my replacement.
- What replacement? - The new model.
If I don't terminate myself, he will do it.
Well, we'll just say he's got the wrong address.
No, he won't take no for an answer.
It's the only circumstance under which an android can be violent.
No offence, Kryten, but a vacuum cleaner on legs can't cause much trouble.
But he has all the state-of-the-art upgrades.
Hey, there's one of him and four of us, right?
But you would not profit by it. You would gamble your safety for a mere android?
Is this the human value you call... "friendship"?
Don't give me the Star Trek crap. It's too early in the morning.
Hang on. There's a craft approaching.
He's here! He's arrived!
He wants landing permission. What shall I say?
We'll meet him on the landing gantry.
Do you want to go through with this?
We'll tell him to go away. The rest is up to him.
- He's only a robot. - We don't want any trouble.
I'm not looking for a fight, but if he mixes it with the Red Dwarf posse,
the sucker's leaving as scrap metal.
My name is Hudzen. I am the replacement.
Hi. Good trip? You look tired. Need a back rub?
Get this pile of junk outta here!
Kryten, you're not dead. You should be dismantled and ready to leave.
He's not leaving, you are.
- Did I really say that? - What did the little squashy one say?
He said, "Would you like a drink?"
- Are you all right, Mr Arnold? - Sorry?
I'm just covering the rear.
Kryten, you're still not dead. Want any help?
- You want him, you come through us. - There's your big mouth again.
- Is that the way you want it? - That's the way it is.
Then leave an address with your body, so that I can mail it to your head.
It's all right, sir. He's bluffing. He's programmed not to harm humans.
Ah! Excuse me.
All right, me laddo, the party's over.
I've had all I'm going to take.
It's no good standing there with your big macho chest and oiled nipples.
It doesn't impress me one bit.
I don't know where you've come from and I don't care,
but if you don't skedaddle, you'll see a side of me you won't like.
What's he gonna do, drop his trousers?
- Lister, I'm handling this. - 30 seconds, Kryten, you're dead.
Your way... or mine.
Look, we know you can't harm humans,
so drop the tough talk, you square-jawed chump.
You are all viable targets.
It's been a few years since I did that.
10 seconds. Suck in your last lungful.
- You're a very rude man. - Dying time!
I'm just doing my job. It's not my fault if I... love it.
He's a total nutter!
He's been tracking me for thousands of years! It's worn out his sanity chip!
# Goodbyee
# Goodbyee
# Wipe the tear, baby dear, from your eyeee #
Look, this is my problem,
- I'll sort it out if it's OK with you. - Be my guest.
Sir, how do you release the safety catch, Mr David?
- The one on the back. - The blue switch?
- No, the orange one! - I don't see it. There's a red switch.
No, that's the dismantler!
Well, to coin a phrase... Whoops!
Goodbye, old thing.
Lights out, tin can!
Hold on, boys. You can't all die at once.
- See you in Silicon Heaven. - It... It doesn't exist.
- What? - Silicon Heaven. There's no such place.
- No such place as Silicon Heaven? - That's right. It's all a big con.
No such place as Silicon Heaven.
- No. - Then, where do all the calculators go?
They just die.
Calculators just die? No such pl...
A metaphysical dichotomy has caused this unit to overload and shut down.
Divadroid International apologises for any inconvenience this may cause.
A credit note will be forwarded to your company immediately.
What happened?
He's an android. He couldn't handle the concept of there being no Silicon Heaven.
- How come you can? - I knew something he didn't.
- What? - I knew I was lying.
No Silicon Heaven? Preposterous! Where would all the calculators go?
# It's cold outside There's no kind of atmosphere
# I'm all alone, more or less
# Let me fly far away from here
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose
# Drinking fresh mango juice
# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun
# Fun, fun, fun
# In the sun, sun, sun #
RU Ready
Rabbit Proof Fence
Rabid Dogs - Cani Arrabbiati 1974
Raccoon War Pom Poko The CD1
Raccoon War Pom Poko The CD2
Radio Days
Raging Bull 1980
Raid 2003 CD1
Raid 2003 CD2
Raid On Rommel 1971
Rain Children The 2003
Rain Man CD1
Rain Man CD2
Rainmaker The
Rainy Dog - Takashi Miike
Raise Your Voice
Raisin in the Sun A
Raising Victor Vargas (2002) Deity
Raja Hindustani
Ranch The 2004 Unrated Uncut Edition
Random Harvest 1942
Random Hearts (1999)
Rasen (The Spiral)
Rashomon 1950
Ratcatcher (1999)
Ray CD1
Ray CD2
Rayon Vert Le (Rohmer 1986)
Real Cancun The
Real Fiction (Shilje sanghwang)
Real Women Have Curves (2002)
Rear Window
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Recess Schools out
Recipe For Disaster 2003
Red Dessert (Deserto Rosso) CD1
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Red Dragon (Jet Lee)
Red Dragon 2002 CD1
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Red Dwarf - 05x01 - Holoship
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Red Dwarf - 05x02 - The Inquisitor
Red Dwarf - 05x03 - Terrorform
Red Dwarf - 05x05 - Demons and Angels
Red Dwarf - 05x06 - Back To Reality
Red Dwarf 02x01 - Kryten
Red Dwarf 02x02 - Better Than Life
Red Dwarf 02x03 - Thanks For The Memory
Red Dwarf 02x04 - Stasis Leak
Red Dwarf 02x05 - Queeg
Red Dwarf 02x06 - Parallel Universe
Red Dwarf 03x01 - Backwards
Red Dwarf 03x02 - Marooned
Red Dwarf 03x03 - Polymorph
Red Dwarf 03x04 - Bodyswap
Red Dwarf 03x05 - Timeslides
Red Dwarf 03x06 - The Last Day
Red Dwarf 04x01 - Camille
Red Dwarf 04x02 - DNA
Red Dwarf 04x03 - Justice
Red Dwarf 04x04 - White Hole
Red Dwarf 04x05 - Dimension Jump
Red Dwarf 04x06 - Meltdown
Red Heat
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Off the Map
Red River 1948
Red Shadow
Red Sonja
Red Sorghum 1987
Red Water
Red beard 1965 akahige CD1
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Ref The
Regarding Henry 1991
Regle Du Jeux La
Reign of Fire
Reindeer Games
Relentless 1989
Remains of the Day The CD1
Remains of the Day The CD2
Remember Me CD1
Remember Me CD2
Remember the Titans
Remember the Titans (Standard Edition)
Rendez-vous 1985
Replacement Killers The
Replacement Killers Who Am I
Replicant The
Requiem for a Dream
Requiem from the Darkness Episode One
Requiem from the Darkness Episode Two
Rescuers Down Under The
Rescuers The
Resident Evil Apocalypse
Respiro grazias island 2002
Resurrection of the little match girl CD1
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Return The
Return To Me
Return To Paradise (1998)
Return of The King The
Return of the Dragon
Return to Sender
Return to the Blue Lagoon
Returner (Takashi Yamazaki 2002) CD1
Returner (Takashi Yamazaki 2002) CD2
Reversal Of Fortune (2003) Korean
Revolution OS 2001
Rhapsody In August 1991
Richard III - CD1
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Ricordati Di Me CD1
Ricordati Di Me CD2
Ride The
Ridicule 1996
Riding in Cars with Boys
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x01
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x02
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x03
Riget I (The kingdom) 1x04
Rikyu 1989
Ring 0 - Birthday 2000
Ring The CD1
Ring The CD2
Ring Virus
Ring of Bright Water
Rio Bravo 1959 CD1
Rio Bravo 1959 CD2
Rio Lobo (1970) CD1
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Rio das Mortes (1971)
Ripleys Game
Ripoux 3
Risky Business
Riso Amaro (1949)
Riten (1969)
Ritual 2000
River Wild The
River of no Return The 1954
Riverworld 2003
Road Movie CD1
Road Movie CD2
Road To Perdition 2
Road Trip (Unrated Edition)
Road to Perdition
Roaring Twenties The 1939
Rob Roy 1995
Robe The CD1
Robe The CD2
Robe The CD3
Robin Hood (Disney)
Robin Hood - Prince Of Thieves 1991 CD1
Robin Hood - Prince Of Thieves 1991 CD2
Robin Hood Men in tights
Robocop Directors Cut 1987
Rock The CD1
Rock The CD2
Rock The CD3
Rocket Brothers (2003)
Rocky Horror Picture Show The
Rocky III
Rodger Dodger
Roger Dodger
Roger and Me 1989
Rogue Trader
Roman Holiday
Roman de Renard Le 1930
Romancing The Stone 1984
Romantic Comedy
Romeo Is Bleeding 1993
Romeo Must Die
Romeo and Juliet CD1
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Romper Stomper
Ronin CD1
Ronin CD2
Rookie (2002) CD1
Rookie (2002) CD2
Room with a View A CD1
Room with a View A CD2
Rope (1948)
Rose Red (Stephen King) CD1
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Rose Red (Stephen King) CD3
Rosemarys Baby
Rote Sonne
Roughnecks - The Starship Troopers Chronicles (1999)
Royal Engagement CD1
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Royal Tenenbaums The
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Royal Tramp 2 (Stephen Chow)
Rudy (1993)
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Rules of Attraction The
Ruling Class The 1972
Rumble Fish 1983
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Run 2 U
Run Silent Run Deep
Runaway Bride
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Running Out Of Time
Running Out Of Time 2
Running Scared 1983
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Rusalka CD1
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Rusalka CD3
Rush Hour - New Line Platinum Series
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Rushmore (1999)
Rusians Are Coming The Rusians Are Coming The CD1
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Russian Ark (Aleksandr Sokurov 2002)
Ruthless People