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LA - land of perpetual sun and sun bathing, which also makes it land of the perpetual bikini wax. After a week, I made an appointment with the city's premier waxer to the stars - Alicia. She was known for her artful work, her lightning-quick hands... ...and her indecipherable accent. Excuse me? All done. Beautiful. You look. She took everything I've got. It's called "The Brazilian Wax." Why didn't you tell her to stop. I feel like one of those hairless dogs. It's an aesthetic thing. They all do it here. LA men are too lazy to search for anything. You can't hide your light under a bush. Didn't she leave a triangle, a landing strip? No, I am totally bald and freezing. - I would have killed her. - I'm so aware of down there now. I feel like I'm nothing but walking sex. The Brazilian makes you do crazy things. Be careful who you invite to Brazil. - I'm officially RSVP'ing: no. - Where are you going? - I'm meeting Lew. - Letterman Lew? He doesn't work for him any more. He's writing that New York sitcom. The one about the kids who live in a loft. - Yeah, one's a feisty waitress. - What are you and Lew gonna do? We'll have drinks and bitch about LA. I can't believe he lives here now. - You should tell him to move to Brazil. - You're on your own tonight. - We'll go to that movie premier. - What's the movie? No one sees it. We'll use my press pass, and get into the after party. - I love LA. - You two should get out of the sun. Lew asked Miranda to meet him at The Flowing Tree. Surrounded by all these tanned, fit, happy people, she knew she would recognise pale, chubby, unhappy Lew immediately. Miranda. Oh, my God! - Do I look that different? - It's a good thing you still wear that hat. - If you ever see me in a Lakers hat... - ...shoot you. - Exactly. Do you want to sit? - You look amazing. - Thanks. Wanna grab a drink? - Please. Yes, let's go. The sight of all these bleached teeth is blinding. No, here. This place is known for its green tea infusions. Please - infusions? Could LA be any worse? Take off that hat, I'm gonna shoot you right now. I really like it here. What happened to the guy I used to share beers with and make fun of happy people? I know. The thing is, I think I'm one of those happy people now. - Good for you! - I know it sounds crazy. I was supremely unhappy in New York. I came here, and I let a lot of that old toxic anger go. I take things slowly, get outside... LA agrees with me. Miranda realised, she was the one standing out. She was the only angry New Yorker for miles. Let's go for a hike. Later that night, two very happy New Yorkers prepared to hike up their first LA red carpet. - Carrie Bradshaw of the New York Star. - Are you on the list? - I'm a columnist. That's me. - Press room is to the left. Crinkle-cut cheese and fat reporters, I don't think so. - Let me see your passes from the movie. - No one goes to the movie. Everyone goes to the movie. Could you step off the red carpet? - Do you know who she is? - She's not on the list. OK, OK. Let's just go. This wouldn't happen in New York. People know you in New York. - No one goes to the movie. - We're out of here. I'm getting the car. There I was, a Hollywood nobody, cast off the red carpet and standing in my proper place on a parking lot. I'm talking in circles here. That's right. I understand. I heard you. OK, sure. Tell her that when she's ready to deal, she can call me herself. - Please tell me you have another one. - I thought I had a problem. Got a light for me? Thanks. Whole tars, very nice. I thought they'd banned these here. I taped them to my body on the plane. - New Yorker? - Yeah. - Keith Travers, representing Matt Damon. - Carrie Bradshaw, representing myself. - Actress? - No, no. Writer. Too pretty to be a writer. That's too cheesy for you to be a writer. - It will take an hour to get the car. - Samantha Jones, meet Keith Travers. He's representing Matt Damon. - You aren't going anywhere. - If you say so. We go inside, just enjoy our evening. Once we got inside, our magic carpet ride really began. I can't believe they wouldn't let you in. That's a disconnect. - A disconnect? - Yeah. It's like a fuck-up. A disconnect! Yeah. You writers are word Nazis. You're gonna ride me with that. Someone's ass is ringing, and it ain't mine. Yours would if it could. It would ring. Excuse me, I'll just be one second. Enjoy yourself. That is one tall drink of water. Samantha had worshipped Hugh Hefner since she was old enough to steal her father's Playboys. To her, this wasn't a celebrity sighting. This was the celebrity sighting. I'll be back. Hugh, hi. I'm Samantha Jones. - Hello. - I'm a huge fan. - In that case, join us for a drink. - A drink? - That would be great. - Thank you. Seriously? Drinking with three blondes - I guess that's a regular day for you. A slow one, yes. I'm pretty crazed this week, but I have a lunch opening on Wednesday. Can I take you out? Linc, great table. I had been trying to get into Linc for a week. He seemed smart and sexy, and this outsider liked the view from the inside. - Yeah, OK. Sure. - Great. Hey, Keith. There's a VIP room. - Do you want to go there? - Yeah, I want to go to the VIP room. - Let's go. - All right. Back home, Charlotte had never felt more inside. She had just attended her first black tie doctors' benefit. - Damn, we make a fine looking couple. - Yes, we do. So, how did I do? Mrs MacDougal, you did quite well. Thank you, Dr MacDougal. You know, doctor, I have an itch. I was hoping you could help me out with it. Trey? Maybe it's time we thought about some options, like Viagra. Are you aware that Viagra is a killer for men with heart problems? My father died of a heart attack. It runs in my family. Trey wasn't the only one with heart problems. I'm just trying to help. Now I'm tense. I'm going for a run. It was the fifth time Trey had gone running at bedtime in the last two weeks. The next day, Samantha decided to get some exercise as well. Her pocketbook was getting most of the workout. Fendi, 150. She decided to give her old pocketbook a rest. As Charlotte picked up my mail, she realised, she missed a lot more than her sex life. She missed her single life. If Trey could run away from their problems, so could she. - I can't deal with Trey. - Calling me might be more economical. And I really missed you guys. We missed you too. - Trey is... - It's not working. He refuses to even talk about it. - I take it from the bag you'll be staying? - I need a vacation. You came to the right place. I gotta meet this Keith guy. Miranda and Samantha are down by the pool. Charlotte glanced at the glistening pool, and just like that, her marriage and Trey seemed far away. Before lunch, I agreed to go with Keith to see a house he was interested in. This is not a house. This is an airport. It's Lorenzo Lamas'. He's asking 3.4, but it'll go for 3.2. There's a bargain! In New York, a first date is dinner and a movie. In LA, it's lunch and seeing a 3.4 million dollar house. What do you think? - I should work in syndicated television. - It's good, right? It's really good. But does a single guy like you need this much space? Probably not. But come on, it looks good. So did he. And in the South American's living room, my Brazilian made me kiss him. Wait till you see the hot tub. - We should check out the hot tub. - Okey-dokey. I'll have the omelette with no cheese, but tomatoes and mushrooms. Instead of the fries a side of fruit with no grapes, and a half decaf skim. You should get the mushrooms steamed. It lightens the calories but retains the flavour. Great, thanks. - I really like LA. - Who wouldn't? Keith wants a $3.4 m house, and I can't afford new curtains. That's where the guys here have New York men beat - real estate. - Lew may be the perfect guy. - Letterman Lew? Yeah. He's an ideal combination of the two coasts. He's still a New Yorker at heart, but he's lost all his neuroses and 30 pounds. We're New Yorkers. Aren't we supposed to like neurotic guys? The Woody Allen thing is so over. He's a changed man. He's spiritual and happy. - He met the Dalai Lama. - I met Hugh Hefner. One woman's pornographer is another woman's spiritual leader. Maybe he's on to something. Maybe it's time I stopped being so angry. - What would you do with your free time? - I'll tell you what you could do. - Shop. - Jesus! - No, you didn't! - That's like $3,000. Or 150. Fake. - No. - It looks so real. - I know. - Give me that. You'd never know it wasn't real unless you looked at the lining. I don't have that luxury. All my insides are on the outside now. - I don't like fakes. - All that matters is what it looks like. It's good. We could get more. I've got the guy's card. He lives in the "Valley". - Could you have more condoms? - I did. I am so happy to be out of that condom stage of life. I thought it was called "my thirties". It's nice to go to bed with the same man every night. Please tell me you didn't come to LA to tell us how much sex you're having now. Charlotte didn't tell them her conjugal bliss was a conjugal miss. What should I do first in LA? The first thing you'll need is a good bikini wax. You should try Alicia. That night, after hours of stress-free pool time, I realised something startling. I was actually starting to like LA. New Yorkers are trained to hate Los Angeles, where, supposedly, intellect is ridiculed and who you date and what you look like is revered. Yet, we were having the time of our lives. The men were happy, the homes were huge, the bags looked great. Maybe that was enough. The weather moves from west to east. Was it a just matter of time before the truth blew across Manhattan? When it comes to bags, men and cities, is it really what's outside that counts? The next day, Samantha and I went to the Valley for Fendi bags. This is it, 45386. - Is that an address or a zip code? - I don't know. I miss Lorenzo Lamas' neighbourhood. - My God. - Oh, there he is. We had found it. Fake Fendi paradise. He should work on his display area. Seven for 1,000. You like? I should have liked them. But staring into that trunk, they no longer looked elegant, they looked cheap. Even if everyone else thought it was real, I'd always know, my bag came from a trunk deep in the Valley. You know what? I don't think so. - You don't want a bag now? - I'm sorry. They're very nice. It's just... Please, don't smoke near the bags. We drove for two hours in the Valley... That's it. I'm going back to the hotel. They looked so sad staring up at me from that trunk. They were waiting to be adopted. I was almost eaten by dogs. The least you could've done was buy a bag. It's better to wait for the real thing. Then at least you know it's special. - My marriage is a fake Fendi. - Excuse me? Trey and I look like the perfect couple from the outside, but on the inside it's all fake. It's not special. - He can't get it up. - What? - We've never had sex. - You've never had sex? - You've been married for... - ...over a month. - You've never had sex? - It's not physical, it's emotional. - You know about this? - She told me at the wedding. I was afraid you'd say you'd told me so and I shouldn't have married so quickly. Who am I to judge you? We all have our own paths in life. Three days with Lew had changed Miranda from deeply sarcastic to Deepak Chopra. - What am I gonna do? - You've never had sex? - She's never had sex. - It's only been a month. - He hasn't seen Brazil. - A second honeymoon to South America. - That might do the trick. - I know how to cheer you up. A trip to the Playboy mansion. Hef invited us for one of those Playmate pool parties. Did you say, "Hef"? Why would that cheer her up? Does she look like a frat boy? No, but it wouldn't hurt to meet some. - Sorry, not going. - Come on, it would be fun. We're in LA. All right, fine, but I better be on the guest list. Later that night, I was a guest at Keith's amazing house. He made sizzling scallops, and after dinner things got even hotter. I like hot tubs. New York should have more hot tubs like on roofs and stuff. Well, if you like that... While I was going native with Keith, Miranda and Lew went back to New York. At least to the New York strip steak. - This looks great. - God, do I miss this smell! So, you were saying? Read "Zen And The Art Of Modern Living". I'm still trying to get used to bath beans. - You are so New York. - Come on, don't you miss it? - Just a little? - No, I write about it every day. That's not New York, it's a sound stage. 20-somethings with tiny salaries don't live in huge SoHo lofts. It's totally fake. 40 million viewers would disagree with you on that one. - Is something wrong with your steak? - No, it's great. - What are you doing? - I'm tasting my food. - Why aren't you swallowing your food? - Do you think I look this good by eating? Lew hadn't found inner peace, he'd found an eating disorder. - Are you serious? - Don't put your toxic shit on me. This is LA. You have no idea what pressure I'm under. Who cares what you look like. You're a writer. For a hit show. No one wants to hire a fat story editor. Miranda wanted to rip that Knicks hat off his head. No self-respecting New Yorker would spit out that good a steak. Jesus fucking Christ. Now I've lost my appetite. Waking up in Keith's sun filled bedroom, I felt like 3.4 million myself. I like what you have going on down there. - That would be a whole lot of nothing. - Yeah. - Don't you work? - I don't have anything till eleven. - Nice life. - Yeah. What the fuck do you think you're doing? I told you, no prostitutes when you're house-sitting. - You're a house-sitter? - Personal assistant. - I thought you were an agent. - I wish my agent would water my plants. The life I was coveting wasn't Keith's, it was Carrie Fisher's. - You're so fired. Wait till I tell Penny. - Am I going to have to return her car? And Penny Marshall's. I'm going to... - You might need these. - Thank you. Are you going to bring prostitutes to Ben's new three million dollar home? And Ben Affleck's. I'm not a prostitute. I'm Carrie Bradshaw. I'm a writer too. I have a column in New York. I'm Carrie, you're Carrie. I write, you write. I have a child. I really can't do this. Have you been smoking in here? This was always on. The dry cleaning and the cat food, that's all done. It was the perfect ending to my week of make-believe - a visit to the Playboy mansion and the Playmate pool party. - Could our lives get any weirder? - Nothing surprises me any more. In LA, house-sitters are somebodies and writers are prostitutes. - You're at least a high class escort. - Thank you. - Carrie Fisher! - Now we're angry again? - Yeah. - I blame the wax. That's it. Blame it on Rio. After the sun went down, the party really started heating up. Where are the girls in the satin outfits and the Bunny ears? Yeah, I want to see some Bunny ears. Somewhere between the ltalian grotto and the petting zoo, Charlotte found something real. His name was lan. - That's when I started collecting Hockney. - I love Hockney. The colours in his pool series are so LA. The blues and those deep greens. God, it is such a pleasure talking to an intelligent woman for once. I love talking to you too. It's so nice to be with a man who talks. I love LA. I guess that third welcome drink has finally kicked in? This is bad of me. Is this bad of me? I'm drunk. I'm lying here with a man I hardly know. It's the Playboy mansion. Things could be worse. - You're nice, lan. You're really nice. - You're nice too. - Let me buy you some boobs. - Pardon me? - It's a gift. - I don't need any breasts. Charlotte had forgotten how awful single life could be. Suddenly, marriage with all its problems wasn't looking so bad. - Someone stole my fake Fendi. - Are you sure? I put it beside me. When I got up, it was gone. Oh my God, that Bunny's got my bag. Give me my bag. - You stole my bag. - This is my bag. - Are we having a problem? - Yes. This Bunny stole my bag. - It's my bag. - She says it's her bag. Look on the inside. There's a label that says "made in China" and there's a bunch of condoms in there. Fendi. Samantha was mortified. She assumed everything on the Bunny was fake. OK then. Innocent mistake. Apparently, one nod from Hef, and the pool party was over. - I'm not leaving without my friends. - I'm so sorry. The fake Fendi ended up costing 150 for the bag, 2,000 in stolen credit card charges, and unspecified costs to Samantha's ego. Across the compound, Miranda and I took a wrong turn on the way to the buffet. Look at that - tit soup. It's time to go home. There you are. - We have to leave. - We are. Right now. Relax. We're going, we're going. - What did she do? - I don't know. What happened? OK. All right. The next day, four New Yorkers left LA a little lighter. Some of us had lost our hair, and all of us had lost a little dignity. Samantha couldn't wait to get back to the crime free streets of Manhattan. Miranda couldn't wait to get back to men who swallowed. Charlotte couldn't wait to get back to Trey. And as for me, I couldn't wait. - You can't smoke in here. - Relax, we're going. Six hours later, I was home. It looked even better on the inside than I remembered it, because inside it was all real. I was starting to feel like myself again. The rest of me would grow back eventually. |
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Planet Solaris 2002 Inside Soldaat Van Oranje 1977 CD1 Soldaat Van Oranje 1977 CD2 Soldier CD1 Soldier CD2 Soldiers Story A (Norman Jewison 1984) Solomon and Sheba CD1 Solomon and Sheba CD2 Sombre 25fps 1998 Some Kind of Monster CD1 Some Kind of Monster CD2 Someone Special Something The Lord Made CD1 Something The Lord Made CD2 Somethings Gotta Give CD1 Somethings Gotta Give CD2 Son In Law Son The Sonatine Song of the South Sophies Choice Sorority boys Sorum Sose me Soul Guardians The (1998) CD1 Soul Guardians The (1998) CD2 Soul Keeper The (2003) Soul Plane Soul Survivors Sound of Music The South Park - Bigger Longer and Uncut South Park 01x01 - Cartman Gets An Anal Probe South Park 01x02 - Weight Gain 4000 South Park 01x03 - Volcano South Park 01x04 - Big Gay Als Big Gay Boatride South Park 01x05 - An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig South Park 01x06 - Death South Park 01x07 - Pinkeye South Park 01x08 - Jesus VS Satan South Park 01x09 - Starvin Marvin South Park 01x10 - Mr Hankey the 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Stagecoach Stalag 17 Stalker 1979 CD1 Stalker 1979 CD2 Star Trek Generations CD1 Star Trek Generations CD2 Star Wars - Episode II Attack of the Clones Star Wars - Episode IV A New Hope Star Wars - Episode I The Phantom Menace Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD1 Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD2 Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD1 Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD2 Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD1 Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD2 Stargate SG1 1x01 Children of the Gods Stargate SG1 1x02 The enemy Within Stargate SG1 1x03 Emancipation Stargate SG1 1x04 The Broca Divide Stargate SG1 1x05 The First Commandment Stargate SG1 1x06 Cold Lazarus Stargate SG1 1x07 The Nox Stargate SG1 1x08 Brief Candle Stargate SG1 1x09 Thors Hammer Stargate SG1 1x10 The Torment of Tantalus Stargate SG1 1x11 Bloodlines Stargate SG1 1x12 Fire and Water Stargate SG1 1x13 Hathor Stargate SG1 1x14 Singularity Stargate SG1 1x15 The Cor AI Stargate SG1 1x16 Enigma Stargate SG1 1x17 Solitudes Stargate SG1 1x18 Tin Man Stargate SG1 1x19 There but for the Grace of God Stargate SG1 1x20 Politics Stargate SG1 1x21 Within the Serpents Grasp Stargate SG1 2x01 The serpents lair Stargate SG1 2x02 In the line of duty Stargate SG1 2x03 Prisoners Stargate SG1 2x04 The gamekeeper Stargate SG1 2x05 Need Stargate SG1 2x06 Thors chariot Stargate SG1 2x07 Message in a bottle Stargate SG1 2x08 Family Stargate SG1 2x09 Secrets Stargate SG1 2x10 Bane Stargate SG1 2x11 The tokra part 1 Stargate SG1 2x12 The tokra part 2 Stargate SG1 2x13 Spirits Stargate SG1 2x14 Touchstone Stargate SG1 2x15 The fifth race Stargate SG1 2x16 A matter of time Stargate SG1 2x17 Holiday Stargate SG1 2x18 Serpents song Stargate SG1 2x19 One false step Stargate SG1 2x20 Show and tell Stargate SG1 2x21 1969 Stargate SG1 3x01 Into The Fire II Stargate SG1 3x02 Seth Stargate SG1 3x03 Fair Game Stargate SG1 3x04 Legacy Stargate SG1 3x05 Learning Curve Stargate SG1 3x06 Point Of View Stargate SG1 3x07 Deadman Switch Stargate SG1 3x08 Demons Stargate SG1 3x09 Rules Of Engagement Stargate SG1 3x10 Forever In A Day Stargate SG1 3x11 Past And Present Stargate SG1 3x12 Jolinars Memories Stargate SG1 3x13 The Devil You Know Stargate SG1 3x14 Foothold Stargate SG1 3x15 Pretense Stargate SG1 3x16 Urgo Stargate SG1 3x17 A Hundred Days Stargate SG1 3x18 Shades Of Grey Stargate SG1 3x19 New Ground Stargate SG1 3x20 Maternal Instinct Stargate SG1 3x21 Crystal Skull Stargate SG1 3x22 Nemesis Stargate SG1 4x01 Small Victories Stargate SG1 4x02 The Other Side Stargate SG1 4x03 Upgrades Stargate SG1 4x04 Crossroads Stargate SG1 4x05 Divide And Conquer Stargate SG1 4x06 Window Of Opportunity Stargate SG1 4x07 Watergate Stargate SG1 4x08 The First Ones Stargate SG1 4x09 Scorched Earth Stargate SG1 4x10 Beneath The Surface Stargate SG1 4x11 Point Of No Return Stargate SG1 4x12 Tangent Stargate SG1 4x13 The Curse Stargate SG1 4x14 The Serpents Venom Stargate SG1 4x15 Chain Reaction Stargate SG1 4x16 2010 Stargate SG1 4x17 Absolute Power Stargate SG1 4x18 The Light Stargate SG1 4x19 Prodigy Stargate SG1 4x20 Entity Stargate SG1 4x21 Double Jeopardy Stargate SG1 4x22 Exodus Stargate SG1 5x01 Enemies Stargate SG1 5x02 Threshold Stargate SG1 5x03 Ascension Stargate SG1 5x04 Fifth Man Stargate SG1 5x05 Red Sky Stargate SG1 5x06 Rite Of Passage Stargate SG1 5x07 Beast Of Burden Stargate SG1 5x08 The Tomb Stargate SG1 5x09 Between Two Fires Stargate SG1 5x10 2001 Stargate SG1 5x11 Desperate Measures Stargate SG1 5x12 Wormhole X-Treme Stargate SG1 5x13 Proving Ground Stargate SG1 5x14 48 Hours Stargate SG1 5x15 Summit Stargate SG1 5x16 Last Stand Stargate SG1 5x17 Failsafe Stargate SG1 5x18 The Warrior Stargate SG1 5x19 Menace Stargate SG1 5x20 The Sentinel Stargate SG1 5x21 Meridian Stargate SG1 5x22 Revelations Stargate SG1 6x01 Redemption Part 1 Stargate SG1 6x02 Redemption Part 2 Stargate SG1 6x03 Descent Stargate SG1 6x04 Frozen Stargate SG1 6x05 Nightwalkers Stargate SG1 6x06 Abyss Stargate SG1 6x07 Shadow Play Stargate SG1 6x08 The Other Guys Stargate SG1 6x09 Allegiance Stargate SG1 6x10 Cure Stargate SG1 6x11 Prometheus Stargate SG1 6x12 Unnatural Selection Stargate SG1 6x13 Sight Unseen Stargate SG1 6x14 Smoke n Mirrors Stargate SG1 6x15 Paradise Lost Stargate SG1 6x16 Metamorphosis Stargate SG1 6x17 Disclosure Stargate SG1 6x18 Forsaken Stargate SG1 6x19 The Changeling Stargate SG1 6x20 Memento Stargate SG1 6x21 Prophecy Stargate SG1 6x22 Full Circle Stargate SG1 7x01 Fallen Stargate SG1 7x02 Homecoming Stargate SG1 7x03 Fragile Balance Stargate SG1 7x04 Orpheus Stargate SG1 7x05 Revisions Stargate SG1 7x06 Lifeboat Stargate SG1 7x07 Enemy Mine Stargate SG1 7x08 Space Race Stargate SG1 7x09 Avenger 2 0 Stargate SG1 7x10 Birthright Stargate SG1 7x10 Heroes II Stargate SG1 7x11 Evolution I Stargate SG1 7x12 Evolution II Stargate SG1 7x13 Grace Stargate SG1 7x14 Fallout Stargate SG1 7x15 Chimera Stargate SG1 7x16 Death Knell Stargate SG1 7x17 Heroes I Stargate SG1 7x19 Resurrection Stargate SG1 7x20 Inauguration Stargate SG1 7x21-22 The Lost City I n II Starship Troopers (Special Edition) Starship Troopers 2 Story Of A Kiss Strada La Strange aventure de Docteur Molyneux Street Of Love And Hope (Nagisa Oshima 1959) Street of shame (Akasen chitai) Streetcar Named Desire A Style Wars Suicide Regimen Sukces 2003 Summer Tale A 2000 Sunday Lunch (2003) Super 8 Stories Superman IV - The Quest for Peace Surviving the Game Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD1 Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD2 Sweetest Thing The (Unrated Version) Swept Away Swordsman III - The East is Red Sylvester - Canned Feud (1951) Sylvester - Speedy Gonzales (1955) Sylvester and Elmer - Kit for Cat (1948) Sylvester and Porky - Scaredy Cat (1948) Sylvester and Tweety - Canary Row (1950) Sylvester and Tweety - Putty Tat Trouble (1951) Sylvester and Tweety - Tweetys SOS (1951) |