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Sex lives of the potato men

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(Vehicle door opens and closes)
(Engine fails to start)
(Engine fails again)
(Engine fails yet again)
(Engine starts)
MOTORHEAD: Ace Of Spades
If you like to gamble
I tell you, I'm your man
You win some, lose some
Is's all the same to me
The pleasure is to play
It makes no difference what you say
I don't share your greed
The only card I need is the Ace of Spades
The Ace of Spades
Playing for the high one
Dancing with the devil
Going with the flow
Is's all a game to me
(Song drowns out dialogue)
Seven or eleven
Snake eyes watching you
Double up or quit
Double stake or split
The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades
You know I'm born to lose
And gambling's for fools
But that's the way I like it, baby
I don't want to live forever
And don't forget the Joker
Pushing up the ante...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
Read 'em and weep
The dead man's hand again
I see it in your eyes
Take one look and die
The only thing you see
You know it's gonna be
The Ace of Spades, the Ace of Spades
(Ketchup splutters)
I'm going to the toilet.
See you next Tuesday, then.
Oh, it's a great feeling, Dave,|when your wife fuck s off and leaves you.
Is's like a dream come true.
My life now is one big fanny festival.
I don't care if they're black, white,|yellow or purple. I'd shag anyone.
Purple? Who's purple?
- They're green!|- Are they?
- Would you shag a Martian?|- Yeah. Would you?
Might as well, I can't remember|t'last time I shagged a human being.
Have you heard this -|this...fucking sandwich he's got? Tell him.
Well, Linda used to put strawberry jam|on her twat.
So I'd lick her out.
- Blimey!|- Listen to this, Ferris.
Now I'm just addicted to the taste.|Fanny juice and strawberries.
He's got fucking strawberry jam|and fish paste sandwiches.
Fucking hell, Tolly.
Is's the nearest I can get to the flavour.
Go on, have a bite. Is's fucking horrible.
No, thank s.
Try it.
Tolly, I ain't eating a sandwich|that tastes like Linda's twat.
It really doesn't, though.|And that's the problem.
Can't quite get the flavour right.
Erm...Kings Heath, you know, paint factory.
That's them. And Lozells Road.|You know about that, don't you?
You've already give 'em us.
Have I?|Must've done. Sorry. It was a late night.
Were you up all night watching porn channels?
No, I went round to see Ruth at her flat.
Drank a lot of wine, played chess,|talked about book s all night.
You know what it's like.
Anyway, you've er...|you've got the things, so er...
Good stuff.
I went out this bird once, right.
She used to lick my arse.
Like, stick her tongue...right up my arse.
Which is great,|but then she'd try and snog me.
Which is like...fucking...|swings and roundabouts, that is.
You can't fucking win.
{y:i}I'd hate to think what she has|{y:i}in her sandwiches.
Shit, probably.
{y:i}WOMAN:|{y:i}How's my favourite son-in-law?
You know what it's like, Joan,|when you've got all your fingers in a big pie.
I can't find my bag.|Have you seen my bag?
God, Joan, where's your jumper?
In the kitchen.
You look nice.
Why don't you pull your trousers down?
{y:i}- Do you want me to help you?|{y:i}- No, no. I can manage.
That's a very lengthy type of sausage.
Don't get many complaints.
{y:i}You krow about my bad knees|{y:i}and my arthesis.
I'm on steroids and that.|Why don't I just plonk myself on the table?
Yeah, that could work.
My mother-in-law gave me a|blow job last night.
Mine gave me a fishing rod once.
At the end she wiped herself down|with toilet paper and put it in the ashtray.
And then I was trying to have a fag|and that was the worst bit.
You know, flicking the ash|onto the wet toilet paper.
She's 50, you know, Joan.
I've never seen varicose veins that big.
Is's a tricky one, that, Ferris.
You don't want to upset her|or you'll have nowhere to live.
I can't afford to move out.|Is's going to keep on happening.
Well, there's only way out of that situation.
What's that?
I don't know. I'm just saying.|There's probably only one way out of it.
{y:i}But I don't know what it is.
I don't pay any rent.
Free food, you know. No bills.|I'm laughing, really.
But I can't go on living with|my mother-in-law for ever.
If I was still married, then...
Well, I am still married legally,| know what I mean.
At least you're getting blow jobs!
{y:i}Two years ago was last|{y:i}before I had off Vicky
I don't know what I've done wrong.
I'm scared to go home these days.
If I wasn't so lazy,|I'd become a workaholic.
(Fruit machine bleeps)
- Is's the potato men.|- Hiya, Phil.
{y:i}- How's it going?|{y:i}- Not bad, not bad.
Still working for Stan?
There's a few things in the pipeline, though.
And I'm thinking of setting up|a market stall selling broken biscuits.
- Is's all happening, then.|- Yeah.
So still scared of wasps?
He's frightened to death of wasps.
I'm not scared of 'em.|If they fucking sting you, you know about it.
I bought this candy floss once, right.|About ten fucking wasps attacked it.
I'm like, "Fuck off, out of it."
Just got all tangled up in it.
Couldn't eat it.
Fucking wasps - cunts.
A wasp sting can kill you.
- That's right.|- No, it's not.
It is. Is's well-known, wasp sting.
They can trigger, you know, death in a person.
Yeah, but if you didn't have wasps,|you wouldn't have honey, so...
No, that's bees. Bees make honey.
Well, same thing.|Little fucking stripy jumpers on.
Fuck 'em!
Bees make honey? Since when?
Are you fucking serious?
Bees and wasps, they invented honey.
{y:i}DAVE:|{y:i}That's how they became famous
Actually, it's just honey bees that make honey.
Honey bees! On jars of honey,|there's always pictures of bees.
{y:i}FERRIS: Yeah I know I thought.
I thought honey was just treacle with bees in it.
You what?
Don't they just mix a few bees up in the treacle?|Flavour it up a bit? I don't know.
- Fucking hell, you don't eat bees.|- How do bees make honey, then?
They eat flowers, I think.
And something to do with eating the flowers|produces a honey effect when they spit it out.
All insects make sweet substances.
Bees make honey and ants make sugar.
- Do they fuck!|- They fucking do, don't they, Phil?
I thought they did.
Why didn't you pick Katie up from my mum's?
Was I meant to?
You smell like a pub.
Yeah, well, it just gets in your clothes,|the smoke and the beer smell.
Did you put that flannel on the telly?
I had a dirty face and erm...|I don't know how it got there.
{y:i}I'm running round after a child all day.
I'm not running round after you as well.
You're the one who wanted a kid.|And now you've got one, it's like it's my fault.
I wanted a family. And this isn't a family.'re a fucking idiot.
Look, I don't even know what I'm arguing about.
{y:i}It's very basic Dave.
Is's about being in the house now and again.
Being a proper dad. What's wrong with you?
You know, we're just going round in circles here.
{y:i}- You're not behaving like a human being.|{y:i}- No I know.
But who does? You've got to be realistic.
{y:i}You might think this is normal,|{y:i}but I don't.
And I'm not going to carry on living like this.
If I was a monkey, a male monkey,
I wouldn't even be here having this argument.
I'd be down the pub, getting drunk...
(Vacuum cleaner whirs)|- ..shagging loads of female monkeys.
That's a natural state of affairs|for a male in any species.
This situation here, it's a relatively modern one.
And goes totally against nature.
I'm telling you,|society's under a lot of strain right now.
(Vacuum cleaner off)
I can't go on any more with this.|You'll have to get out of here.
Twelve months ago today, I met Ruth.|Is's our anniversary.
She's probably forgot, but...
I'm going to take her out|for a nice, expensive, slap-up meal.
Champagne, you know.
Starters. Puddings.
Linda never remembered|our wedding anniversary. Or my birthday.
I think it was the heroin.
Is's hard to keep the romance in a relationship.
Men like you and me, Tolly,|we're a dying breed.
I used to put strawberry jam on her twat.
Yeah. Dying breed, Tolly, dying breed.
- Oh.|- You look lovely. Your hair...
Sorry, what did you want?
I got you these.
Don't take this the wrong way.|If you don't leave me alone,|I will call the police.
{y:i}- For the last time Jeremy, go away!|{y:i}- All couples have arguments.
We are not a couple any more.
How can you go from being...really liking me|to not wanting to see me? I don't get it.
To be honest, I didn't like you|that much at any point, so...
You've got a new boyfriend, haven't you?
Just tell me.
I'm going to walk away. Leave me alone.
{y:i}- I'll always love you, Ruth.|{y:i}- Fuck off!
{y:i}- Give us a ring.|{y:i}- Fuck off, Jeremy!
Any time. I like your outfit, by the way.
It look s really nice on you.
Women, eh?
DELIBES: Flower Duet from Lakme
{y:i}JEREMY: Like a leaf falling from a tree|{y:i}I fell for you.
{y:i}Gradual. Then suddenly.
{y:i}My insides melt.
{y:i}Your eyes, eyebrows, nose, mouth.|{y:i}Everything leading to now.
{y:i}In the lake my shattered reflection.
{y:i}The mirror pieces of heartbreak
{y:i}Be still then passion.
{y:i}She has turned away like the winter.
{y:i}My inberrating love
{y:i}As it warms|{y:i}the clear shafts of sunlight penetrate
{y:i}your moist fanny with my|{y:i}stiff meaty love-rocket
(Gasps) Fucking bitch!
{y:i}TOLLY: Like I say|{y:i}you can stay here as long as you like.
{y:i}DAVE: Yeah cheers Tol
Sad, you know, when you've been|with someone a long time.
Well, she should have thought of that|before she nagged me to death.
I'm a youg man. I'm only 31 , 32.
I don't need it. You know what I mean?
I still ain't got over, you know,|when Linda left me.
You know what my first thought was?
"Great, I can shag loads of birds now."
But, like, my second thought was, "Who?"
Who can I shag?|Who exactly am I going to be shagging?
All kinds of thoughts go racing|through your mind.
Linda was shagging|a mental patient behind my back.
I remember, yeah.
I tell you what, I'm going to be sliding down|a very steep learning curve.
No doubt about it.
But from now on, that's it.
Is's just going to be fanny,|blow jobs, big tits and...
you know, beer.
That's the kind of lifestyle I want.
- Sandwich?|- Cheers, mate.
THE CORAL: Dreaming Of You
What's up with my heart when it skips a beat?
{y:i}Skips a beat.
Can't feel no pavement right under my feet
{y:i}Under my feet.
{y:i}Up in my lonely room|{y:i}Wah-oooh
When I'm dreaming of you
{y:i}Oh, what can I do?|{y:i}Wah-oooh
I still need you, but
I don't want you now...
All right, mate, is er...Poppy in?
No, she's not.
(Sighs) That's a shame. Is she all right, though?
Who are you?
Sorry, mate. I'm Dave.
I'm an old friend of Poppy's.|What time are you expecting her back?
Not till late. She's at work.
Can you give her a message?
- Have you got a pen and a bit of paper?|- Look, just tell me.
- You must have some paper.|- Oh, Jesus Christ!
This is important!
All right, the message is from me, Dave.
That's D-A-V-E.
Just say, with respect to the threesome - yeah?|Just put threesome.
With respect to the threesome, it's a thumbs-up.
Is's just that she asked me|if I'd be interested but, you know,
I was still with my wife at the time, so er...
Mind you, I'm going back a bit now.
I've not seen Poppy for a couple of years.
You know, she could be...
- You're not her husband, are you?|- No.
- This is her mam's house, in't it?|- Yeah.
- Who are you, then?|- I'm her brother.
Ooh, nice one. Brother.
How did that come about, then?
What do you mean?
Yeah, if you could pass the message on,|that would be great.
I'll just write my number down.
There you go.
How's your mam, anyway?
She died last year.
What a shame.
Anyway, get Poppy to give us a ring|as soon as she gets back
cos I've just split up with my wife.
Last night, actually.
Is's taking me a while to adjust, so a threesome|with your sister would be superb right now.
Tell her it's urgent!
BUZZCOCKS: Orgasm Addict
Well, you tried it just for once,|found it all right for kick s
But now you found out|that it's a habit that stick s
And you're an orgasm addict
You're an orgasm addict
Sneaking in the back door|with dirty magazines
Now your mother wants to know|what all those stains on your jeans are.
And you're an orgasm addict
You're an orgasm addict
Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha
Ah-ha, ah-ha, ah-ha
You get in a heat, you get in a sulk
But you still keep a-beating|your meat to pulp...
Yeah? Wow. What else are you wearing?
Oh, God! Really?
{y:i}What? What am I wearing?
Erm...a brown jumper.|A pair of trousers I got off my dad.
They didn't fit him.|He got them out the catalogue
and didn't send them back, so I had them.
Linda, my ex-wife,|she used to quite like me in these trousers.
Yeah, she just pissed off one day.
Never rung me or anything.
I've heard she's been done|for shoplifting, which...
Hello? Hello?
Have you finished, Tolly?|You're putting me off my breakfast.
Excuse me, mate.
How much are your plastic twats?
- Fifty quid.|- Right.
What do you use to erm...|What do you put inside it?
Your cock.
No, I meant to make it all slippery.
Do you put, like,|margarine in it or something?
There's tubes of KY Jelly.|Next to the vibrators.
Yeah, but it doesn't taste|of anything, does it?
You're not supposed to eat it, mate.
No, no.
{y:i}But is there anything else?
Is there anything that's got a more...|proper fanny flavour?
Yeah. A proper fanny.
{y:i}ANSWERPHONE: Leave your message now|{y:i}( Beep)
{y:i}All right guys. My name's Nigel Tolly
My mates call me Tolly.
I'm average, 26, divorced.
I look er...OK. Normal.
I haven't got a moustache, anything like that.
I like takeaway meals, renting videos|and I used to have a motorbike.
Sold it to a mate of mine. He didn't look after it.
Still, that's another story.
I have my own...apartment.
{y:i}With future fridge et cetera
{y:i}Gas central heating.
I'm really looking for a girl|who enjoys dirty sex acts.
Any size, any age, any colour.
No sex-change people.|I must specify that.
And I like putting jam on people.|I've got to get that across. Is's very important.
So please send photos to my box number
or leave a message if you want|strawberry jam put on your areas.
I will, of course,|buy you a drink and a meal.
That's about it, girls.|Get dialling now. OK.
Three women at once.
And I bet he's got a few cans of beer|in that fridge for later on.
My cousin's been killed in a car crash.
- Has he?|- Yeah.
Nice bloke, he was.|He lent us £500 the other week.
I won't have to pay that back now, will l?
No, if somebody dies,|it's their fault, in't it?
Yeah.|Shame for his wife and kid, and that,
but for me's worked out all right.
{y:i}DAVE:|{y:i}Here we are look.
- Nice.|- All right, girls?
Fuck off!
THE SPECIALS: A Message To You, Rudy
Oh, come on, Ferris.|Just get it over with.
Tell him his dad's dead or|I'm going to be late.
I can't do it, Dave.
All right. Leave it to me.
I'm pretty good at this sort of thing.
Stop your messing around
Better think of your future...
Do you know your dad used to be alive?
Well, he's not any more.
Creating problems in town...
Where's Mummy?
Good point. Where's his mum?
She's in a coma.
A message to you...
Do you want an ice cream?
Come on, then.
VERDI: Brindisi from La Traviata
{y:i}Dear Ruth you cowbag
{y:i}I know you are enjoying this situation.
{y:i}Messing me about and getting|{y:i}all this attention.
{y:i}I noticed you've now changed|{y:i}all your telephone numbers
{y:i}your mobile, your home number|{y:i}and your extension at work
{y:i}as well as your email addresses|{y:i}and both fax numbers.
{y:i}When they ask you why|{y:i}I can just imagine you saying.
{y:i}"There's this man who's obsessively|{y:i}in love with me you know how it is."
{y:i}I bet you let everyone know about me|{y:i}because it makes you look really good
{y:i}in demand Wanted by me!
{y:i}Well you'd better make the most of it.
{y:i}You've got the kind of face|{y:i}that isn't going to age very well.
{y:i}Fat cheeks and piggy eyes
{y:i}in a couple of years you'll|{y:i}be ringing me up.
{y:i}You'll be desperate and I'll say|{y:i}"You had your chance darling but you blew it.
{y:i}Now go away and be ugly and fat.
{y:i}And honey"
{y:i}You'll keep this letter in a box as a souvenir|{y:i}of the times when you could attract me!
{y:i}You know this is true.
{y:i}And that new boyfriend of yours|{y:i}I know for a fact he's seeing somebody else.
{y:i}All the best Jeremy.
RUTH: Just sniffs. Sniffs the grass. In a minute,|he'll see something he wants to play with.
Come on, baby.
- (Laughs)|- Yeah.
(Dog bark s)
Oi! Fuck off!
Fuck off!
(Dog bark s)
RUTH: Bobby!
(Evil chuckle) OK. I'm going to chop|your fucking head off, mister.
Send you back in a fucking carrier bag.|See how she likes that.
Don't move.
How do you like this situation, then, eh?
You scared? You fucking scared? Are you?
This was a really stupid thing to do.
All right.
Put your hands up if you're going to shag|two women this afternoon.
{y:i}FERRIS:|{y:i}Are you?
Just got a message from Poppy.|Can't believe it.
I'm having a threesome today.
Can I come?
{y:i}- No|{y:i}- Wouldn't be a threesome then.
No, but...
- Congratulations, mate.|- Cheers.
- Yeah, nice one, Dave.|- Cheers, Tol.
I can't believe it. A threesome!
{y:i}FERRIS:|{y:i}You deserve it mate.
Yeah, I do, don't I?
{y:i}DAVE: They want to sort|{y:i}the parking out round here.
Is's hopeless.|You should have permit parking or something.
Go in there with Kevin.|I'll only be a minute.
Kevin? Who's Kevin?
Is's a threesome, Dave.|You need three people.
Yeah, but I thought it would be me|and two women.
Yeah, I bet you did.
- All right, mate?|- All right.
Where did you park?
Actually, I... I got the bus.
My car's off the road at the minute.|I had er...a bump.
I've been driving round for ages.
- I haven't kept you waiting, have I?|- No. I got here early.
You know,|I like to soak up the atmosphere.
(Dogs bark outside)
Turn off the mobile.
Yeah. How do they work, these things?
I wouldn't want to hazard a guess.
Is's like space age.
Is's all them aerials. You see 'em on|the motorway. Is's like a network. Like the radio.
Yeah, but the radio - how does that work?
{y:i}How does music travel through the air
then get into the radio|and come back out again?
I-I-I'd imagine it's the same system|as the phones.
Could be, yeah.
I saw that Adrian Chiles in the pub|and I asked him about it.
He didn't have a clue,|and he's on the BBC.
Lives near Redditch. Lovely house.
He's quite a nice bloke, actually.
Told us that he's loaded, like.
He said he doesn't get out of bed|for less than two grand.
He just stays in bed if no-one pays him?
Yeah. Think so.
His pyjamas must stink.
Actually, there was a funny smell in that pub.
(Bed thuds)
I reckon this bed's seen a bit of action.
All the joints are loose.
You need an Allen key.
Tighten 'em up, and it'll be right as rain.
{y:i}POPPY:|{y:i}Hello boys!
You haven't got an Allen key, have you?
I've got vibrators, dildos,
Is's just...we really need an Allen key.
What for?
- Well...|- Dave! Don't worry about it.
{y:i}DAVE:|{y:i}Right yeah!
- No problem.|- Fancy a spit roast?
Yeah! I do.
I've only had a sandwich for my dinner.
Everybody was kung fu fighting
Those cats were fast as lightning
In fact, it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with expert timing
There were funky Chinamen
From funky Chinatown
They were chopping them up
They were chopping them down
Is's an ancient Chinese art
And everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip
And a kicking from the hip
Everybody was kung fu fighting...
I like cauliflower and I like cheese...
..but I don't like cauliflower cheese.
Same with me. I like apples and I like toffee|but I don't like toffee apples.
But then...I don't like actual tomatoes,
but I love tomato sauce.
Is's just weird.
Are you two going to shut up, or what?
Sorry, love.
- Is's Dave.|- Cheers, mate.
I don't care who it is,|just shut up and concentrate.
I'm doing all the work here.
Let's just get it finished.
I can't "finish" just like that.|I need some stimulation.
Come on, Dave. Let's step it up a gear.
Have you got any porn mags?
Just put some elbow grease into it.
(Bed creak s)
{y:i}DAVE:|{y:i}Aye! There you go!
(Dogs bark in distance)
{y:i}JOAN: Ferris is that you?|{y:i}- Yeah.
Come here a minute.
{y:i}Look at this
- What?|- I want to show you something.
- What is it?|- I won't bite you!
I got my photos back.
Oh. Oh, right.
What do you think of that?
What is it, the moon?|Look s like the surface of the moon.
How can it be the moon?|I haven't been to the moon, have l?
- I don't know.|- Is's my arse.
- Oh, right.|- I got one of them throwaway cameras.
Here y'are. Guess what that is.
- Oh, Jesus.|- Might get that one enlarged.
Listen, Joan, I've got to...
Don't you want to take your trousers down?
- No.|- Why not?
Is's cold.
I'll put the fire on. There's a hell|of a draught coming from this door.
{y:i}I've got a new bra.
Look, Joan, the thing is,|I-I like living here and everything,
it's just that I don't want to...
{y:i}That is a nice bra.
Shall we strangle the hamster?
All right. Just once more, then.
A-ha-ha|Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
A-ha-ha|Yeah, yeah, yeah
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
I don't know if we can get higher
But tell me why you're dressed in black
Life is short and full of flowers
If you know you'll reach the sky
I feel happy
Yeah, yeah, yeah
I feel happy
Yeah, yeah, yeah
- All right, mate?|- All right.
(Laughs) What happened here?
- Crazy paving.|- This ain't crazy paving, Ferris.
This is just shit.
I was trying know.
You haven't got, like, any artistic|vision here, have you?
Is's just a random fucking big mess.
Is's crazy paving.|You just bung slabs down on the floor.
No. I think you've focused too much|on the crazy aspect
and not enough on the paving side of it.
Have you come round|to have a go at my crazy paving?
- No, but...|- What do you want, then?
You're standing on my string.
What type of concrete are you using?|Cos you know there's different types.
You're getting on my nerves.
I'm just saying,|there's different types of concrete!
Use the wrong one're fucked!
Is's just ordinary concrete.
Tolly is driving me round the twist.
He never stops wanking.|I just had to get out of there.
You want to try living here, with Joan.
24 hours a day,|it's either blow jobs or crazy paving.
Look at us.|Half eleven on a Saturday morning.
It isn't right. We're youg blokes.
We shouldn't be stood here like this.|We should be living lives to the full.
We should be down the pub.
Threesomes are a great innovation,|no question of that.
Is's the other bloke being there that,|you know...
I'd rather it were me and two women,|but that's more difficult to organise.
Yeah, women get a bit narked|when you try and involve another bird.
They take umbrage.
I don't want to sound like|a complete poof, but...
I used to like talking to my wife.
Did you?
I know it's weird,
but her little face chatting away|and then you say something.
You know, like...|pretending that you're listening.
Is's nice when a woman looks|at you like that, you know.
That's what I'm going to miss.
Are you all right, mate?
Yeah, yeah. I'm just at that stage|in my life where I just feel, you know...
{y:i}OPERATOR:|{y:i}Please enter your four-digit number.
{y:i}Welcome to the Sexy Singles call exchange.
{y:i}Your personal fun box is empty.
{y:i}TOLLY:|{y:i}I want one of them golden showers.
{y:i}I want you to like piss on me,
{y:i}then I want to do a 69
but first I want to put some of this strawberry jam|on your twat so I can lick it off.
Then I want another girl with a strap-on dildo|shaggin' me up the arse
while you're doing yourself with a vibrator
and then you both toss me off.|How much will that be?
Well, let's see.
{y:i}Where's my price list?
{y:i}Customer providing own jam
..double toss off...
plus VAT...
Let's call it 200.
{y:i}- That's cheap|{y:i}- Bloody hell.
How much did you want to spend?
What do you get for 20 quid?
I'll show you my tits.
That's 20 quid?|I can get 13 pints of beer for 20 quid.
- Go on, then.|- All right, then, I will.
And I'll toss myself off, for free.|Thank you very much.
Don't forget your jam.
Oh, yeah.
Thank s, love.
Can I see your arse for a fiver?
- No.|- All right. Ta-ra, then, love.
Ta-ra a bit.
You coming for a pint?
Can't, mate.|I'm going down the hospital.
I'm taking Matthew to see his mum.
- The one in the coma with the big tits?|- Yep, that's her.
I bet there's some cracking nurses there.
There is, mate. That's why I'm going.
You know what nurses are like.
Buy 'em a drink and some chips|and they'll do anything.
She's much thinner than before.
I don't think they eat much in a coma.
They don't eat anything, do they?
I thought it was, like,|astronaut food down a pipe.
Yeah, that's it. That's it, I think.
- You reckon they're quite big?|- Oh, yeah.
DAVE: Not bad.|TOLLY: Nice.
I need the toilet.
What do you want? Number 1 or number 2?
Number 3.
Come on, Matthew.
I'll take him to get some sweets.
All right, mate.
(Clink of crockery )
- All right, love?|- Yeah, thanks. You?
You remember Ferris, don't you, Mum?
- Who?|- Ferris. Julie's husband. The wedding.
Hello, Rose. How are you doing?
(Horn beeps)|- Your taxi's here, Mum.
Ferris. Oh, yes. Ferris.
Got everything?|Have you got your stick?
Joan says you've got a big cock.
{y:i}- Mum!|{y:i}- What?
Show it to her, Ferris.
- What?|- Show her your thing.
Ferris! She doesn't get out much,|she's practically bedridden.
Oh, come on, Ferris.
- Joan!|- Don't be such a spoilsport, Ferris.
You've had a lot of generosity from|this family, living here rent-free.
I don't ask for much in return.
Well, hurry up.
I told you.
When it's stiff it's like a rolling pin.
- Can I touch it?|- Yeah, go on, have a feel.
If I was 50 years youger...
- Put it in your mouth.|- Joan!
I can't get down there with my back.
Stand on a chair, Ferris.
I'm not standing on a chair.
{y:i}MAN: Taxi for Rose
{y:i}(Zips up )|{y:i}JOAN: Just coming love.
{y:i}ROSE: Has he gone to get a chair?|{y:i}- No he's.
Let's get you home.|They'll be wondering where you've got to.
{y:i}ROSE:|{y:i}It's shepherd's pie tonight.
{y:i}JOAN:|{y:i}Ooh lucky you!
You can't stay here long.
No, I know.|Is's only for a couple of nights.
I was thinking of buying my own place,
but if I just move them jars of gherkins|out the way, I could sleep on that shelf.
{y:i}Well, if I'm going to do you a favour,
there might be a favour you can do for me.
All right, then, yeah. No problem.
Mop that floor, you bitch.
I feel like a right cunt doing this.
Keep going. Keep going!
(Girl grunts)
That's pretty clean now.
Go and find
The kind of girl
Who think s you're the only
Guy in the world
No more half kisses
That's bad enough
No more teardrops
No more one-way love
One-way love
Is's harder for someone
Who likes to love fast
You know that kind of love
Will never last
If she's fast and furious
That can be rough
You'll never have one-way love
One-way love...
Why am I so starry-eyed?
Do us your trick, Bobby. Go on. (Laughs)
Clever boy. Go on, do us another one.
{y:i}( Laughs)
Where'd you learn to do that?
{y:i}I love you Bobby|{y:i}You're just such a smashing little dog.
I'm sorry I tried to kill you.
I wouldn't do it now.
I just really want know, go to the park|with you and spend all my time with you.
I love you, Bobby.
You're just a fantastic little dog, aren't you?|Bobby?
Bobby! Bobby, come back.
Bobby, where are you going? Bobby!
{y:i}When we touch I hear angels sing|{y:i}Starry-eyed
When we kiss I hear wedding bells ring...
This is Bobby. Say hello.
All right, mate?
- You know what you get from a dog?|- Dog shit.
Unconditional love.
Is it yours?
Actually, it's Ruth's.
She's away. She's in...Switzerland.
So I'm looking after little Bobby.
Well, don't, you know, while she's away.
Don't start shagging it, cos she'll find out.
They always find out.
I know why I'm starry-eyed
Starry-eyed and mystified
All my dreams are coming true
Just because I'm so in love with you
Oh, hello! What's his name?
Er, Bobby. Like Bobby Dazzler.
Say hello, Bobby. Say hello to erm...
I'm Shelley. This is Crystal.
Hello, Crystal.
(Dogs pant and whine)|- Don't do that, Crystal.
- Bobby, stop it!|- Crystal, stop it!
Bobby, stop it!
I lived in...Africa for a while.
Out there you soon learn to respect|wild animals, you know.
Lions, tigers,
Whereabouts in Africa were you?
The er...safari district.
Right. Yeah.
I'd love to go on a safari.
It was Kenya, where I was.
You'd love it there.|Is's like solid jungle, you know.
You open your curtains in the morning|and there's giraffes everywhere.
I love animals.
So do I. They're great.
{y:i}SHELLEY: Are you a Capricorn?|{y:i}RUTH: Bobby!
RUTH: Bobby!|- What is it?
Sorry, what... what is it?
RUTH: Jeremy!|BOYFRIEND: Oi! You!
- Be nice to go out for a drink or something.|- Yes.
- Nice to meet you. Bye.|- Bye.
- That man stole my dog.|- Did he?
(Bottles clank)
(Heavy grunting)
FERRIS: What are you doing?
- Is's the gherkin man.|- What's this all about?
Take no notice of him,|he's just the potato man.
What's he doing up there?
Trying to get some sleep,|so just deliver your gherkins and piss off.
Don't tell me to piss off or I'll come up|and smack your face in for you.
- You don't have to get all...|- Forget him, he's just a prat.
I'm not taking any lip from a potato man.
{y:i}GIRL:|{y:i}I know it's OK
You signed for them gherkins, love?
{y:i}Hang on a minute.|{y:i}That's my shelf!
Oi! Potato man!
You been messing about with my gherkins?
No. This is... this is the vinegar shelf.
I don't think so.
They're just shelves.|Can everybody just leave it?
Listen, potato boy, you keep your|hands off my gherkins, all right?
- See you in a fortnight, love.|- Yeah. OK.
What's all that about?
Look what you've done now.|You've upset the gherkin man.
Do you know what?|This is all bollocks.
You treat this place like an hotel.
Is's about time you realised, Ferris,|this is a chip shop, and don't you forget it.
- Well, if that's how you want it, then...|(Door slams)
I got flowers,
I got chocolates for a special girl.
- What are you after?|- Nothing.
I thought we could go for a walk.
I haven't really had time to|talk to you that much.
So that's your game, is it?|Talking.
I thought it'd be nice|- just me and you.
Have a nice...conversation.|Go for a quick walk round the park.
I hardly know you. I'm not going to go|walking round the park with you.
All right, then, forget it.
I'm having a few people round next week|for group sex, if you're interested.
No, I... I think I'm busy that day.
What day is it?
No, I... I don't think so, you know.
Please yourself.
Right, well, I'd...better make a move.
- Yeah, see you.|- Yeah.
{y:i}DAVE:|{y:i}I've always fancied you.
- Have you?|- Yeah.
You've got your own house, haven't you?
How many bedrooms you got?
Three. Why?
I bet it's...nice and clean,|isn't it?
I've only got half an hour, you know!
Right. OK. Well...
I thought, you know,|we'd...start with some penis work.
Like what?
How does a blow job sound?
I don't do that.
Course you do.
No, I don't like it.
But it's great.|Is's...standard procedure.
{y:i}Would you do it?
Yes, I would.|If it'd make the other person happy.
Well, not me.
What if I put strawberry jam on it?
You're only a potato man.|I won't do anything weird.
What do you mean, only a potato man?
You've really spoilt the atmosphere now.
You smell of chips|but I weren't going to say anything.
You're a stupid idiot.
Your hair smells of pickled onions.
Well, you've got a horrible face.
I'm not going to get anything|out of you, am I?
Not now, no.
I'm sorry, love.
Look...I'll settle for a hand job.
You'll be lucky.
- Well, how about some free chips?|- Piss off, Dave.
So what do you reckon my chances are|with whatsit?
I wouldn't get your hopes up, Dave.
She's only been out the coma|a couple of week s.
She'll still be pissed off about|her husband being dead and that.
So you're saying play it cool,|sort of thing.
Yeah, I can do that.
Is's lovely and clean, innit?
- Is's a nice house you've got here, Helen.|- Thanks.
Steve was pretty good|with the decorating.
That was one of his things.
I'm sorry for you about|what happened to him.
A motorway pile-up, it's terrible.
I heard it was a really|nice car an' all.
What was it, a Renault?
Thought we'd just come round,|see how you are.
{y:i}If there's anything we can do.
Well, thanks for the potatoes.
{y:i}DAVE: There's plenty more|{y:i}where they come from.
We'll see you all right.|Don't you worry.
Oh, and that £500 you owe us, Ferris,
{y:i}I could really do with it right now!
If you've got it, that is.
Course, yeah.
It must be really difficult|for you right now.
But no use crying over spilt milk,|is there?
You've got to...|You need a man about the place.
Yeah, well, Phil's been very good to me|the past few weeks.
Phil? Phil who?
All right, lads?
{y:i}DAVE: What are you doing here?|{y:i}- I live here.
Since when?
Phil delivers biscuits to the hospital.|That's how we met.
Fancy a biscuit, Dave? Ferris?
So, how's life been treating the potato men?
- Look out, Phil, there's a wasp!|- Where?
Ferris, the gherkin man means nothing to me.
I was just trying to make you jealous.
Seeing you with that other girl made me realise|you're not a bad bloke.
Well, I didn't even know her name, to be honest.|That was just a...
I can see us making a go of it.
Not just shagging in this crappy old storeroom|all the time.
I'm talking about something more.
Like what?
We could do it lying down. On a bed.
I like the sound of that.
My husband's away for a few days.
Why don't you come back to the house tonight?|We've got a big double bed, fluffy carpets.
If you bring some cans of beer,|I'll bring some leftover pies
and we'll make a night of it.
(Girl grunts)
This is better than|that stinky old stockroom, innit?
Yeah, it's all right. When's your husband back?
Oh, not for ages.
Monday, I think.|Is's a long drive from Poland.
- What's he doing there?|- Smuggling.
- Smuggling?|- Yeah, smuggling...motorbikes.
Is he?
I'm thinking of buying a moped.
MAN: Shit!
Fucking hell!
- I thought he was in Poland.|- Erm...
Listen, Ferris.
You breathe one word of this to anybody,|you're dead. Right?
OK. I'll...|I'll just get dressed and go and...
You ain't going anywhere.|You finish what you started.
- How do you mean?|- Come on. Get on with it.
Shag my wife, Ferris,|or you're in big trouble.
Don't make me come out there, Ferris!|I'm warning you!
I hope my husband doesn't catch us.
- This is out of order.|- Shut up, Ferris.
{y:i}- You said he was in Poland|{y:i}(Grunting in wardrobe)
He's in the fucking wardrobe.
If he finds out,|he's going to punish me real bad.
You and me are finished,|I'm telling you.
Oh, use me. Use me!
Like the slutty wife I am.
(Husband grunts)
That should fucking do it.
- Am I being held prisoner?|- No!
Well... A little bit.
But it's just a game.
- Is it?|- (Husband slams fist) Look!
Any more shit from you, sunshine, and I'll drown|you in the bath like I did that sackful of kittens.
{y:i}That really turned me on.
Is's a game.
You're not going to drown me, are you?
I'll punch you in the fucking face|if you don't shut it.
I thought you liked having sex with me.
Not like this. This is...
{y:i}GIRL:|{y:i}This is how I like it.
Next time, we'll do whatever you want.|I'll do anything you want.
- Think of something.|(Power tools whir)
There is one or two things I|wouldn't mind trying.
I've got some right stuff in store for you|over the next few week s, Ferris. Oh, yes.
Some really fucked-up shit.
Get him down in the basement.
Come on. (Grunts and laughs)
- What do you keep in the basement?|- Come on.
- Have you got a pool table?|- (Husband laughs)
(Girl grunts)
If I can't see you,
you can't see me.
If my husband walk s in here now|and catches us, we're dead.
If the rope breaks, we're dead.
HUSBAND: Oh! Who wants salt and vinegar?
Oh, God. No.
FERRIS: Fu...|(Splash)
I had to park bloody miles away.
And they've dug up Old Ford Road again.
Got the Allen key, by the way.
No wonder I couldn't get parked.
(Poppy moans)
(Men pant heavily )
We could do with a couple more girls|in here, couldn't we?
Where did you park, then?
Right outside. Got here early.
Is that your Ford Galaxy out there,|the blue one?
- Yeah.|- What's it like? All right?
Is's a decent motor. Feels safe,|know what I mean? For the kids, and that.
(Poppy's moaning intensifies)
- Is there any more beer left?|- No. Is's all gone.
- There's wine.|- Wine? Who drink s fucking wine?
How much longer you going to be, mate?|There's people queuing up here.
What number you got?
Well, you're all right.
11. Is's typical.
What have we come here for?
This is where I met Vicky.|Is's a good night in here on a Saturday.
FERRIS: But it's only quarter past one.
DAVE: Is's like a trip down|memory lane for me.
Or it would be if I could remember|anything about it.
I'd had a few that night.
Never going to pick up any birds|in here, mate.
It'll be all right. We'll have a couple of pints|and will pick up a bit later.
Backing track to Come On, Eileen
Come on, Eileen!
These people round here
Wear beaten-down eyes...
..resigned to what their fate is
My mother cried!
{y:i}No never.
We are far too youg and clever|Much too youg and clever
Come on, Eileen
Too-ra loo-ra, too-ra loo rye aye
Come on, Eileen
Come on, Eileen
I swear now, Eileen
At this moment|Dirty!
You mean everything|Everything
Pretty white dress
Oh, you're verging on...dress
Oh, you're dirty!
Oh, come on, Eileen
{y:i}That pretty red dress.
{y:i}Oh, I swear...|{y:i}Tell me yes.
Oh, you're dirty
Oh, come on, Eileen...dirty
{y:i}DAVE: You all right then?|{y:i}VICKY: Yeah
The washing machine,|there's still water coming out of it.
Probably a...leak...
of some kind.
How have you been?
Great. Everything's great.
You know, things are really starting to...
{y:i}They're continuing to be great
{y:i}So er
You all right, then?
Yeah. You all right?
Yeah. Great.
You know, if you want me back,|I can move in straightaway.
Let's just leave things as they are.
Whatever it is you want me to do,|I'll do it.
At Tolly's there's never anything to eat.
{y:i}He's dirty I want to come home.
I don't want to live with Tolly.|I want to live with you and Katie.
Well, you can't.
Why not?
Is's not as simple as that.
You know the person I feel|sorry for in all this...
is me.
Whatever that woman told you|about me, it's not true.
You stole her dog.
(Laughs nervously )
That boyfriend of hers,|he's not right in the head.
I never stole any dog.
Actually, yes, I did steal the dog,'t know|what I went through with all that.
I've got my own dog now.
She messed me about rotten.|I was just trying to get my own back.
I know what you're thinking, but...
you don't know what I've been through|with that woman.
{y:i}- Come on, Spike.|{y:i}- No I...I do
I do know what you've been through.|I know exactly how you feel.
Do you?
How do you mean?
{y:i}SHELLEY: He'd been seeing her for five weeks.|{y:i}I didn't ever twig.
I just thought, "That's not right."
Then I found out he was taking her|to Paris for the weekend.
(Sighs) I still had the keys to his house so...
I went round there...
{y:i}I went into the kitchen and|{y:i}I'd got some of
{y:i}Crystal's you know dog mess|{y:i}that I'd collected in the park.
{y:i}And before that I'd collected quite|{y:i}a lot from other dogs.
{y:i}I put some in the bienden
{y:i}added some water and erm.
{y:i}Colli had this high-powered waterpistol.
{y:i}And I knew it was a mad thing to do but
{y:i}after the way he treated me|{y:i}I just didn't care.
{y:i}I just thought "Fuck him."
I did every room in the house.
That was a year ago.|You can still smell it.
Yeah, well, nothing smells quite like|a house full of dog shit.
With erm... With Ruth...
{y:i}I told her I was a dentist.
{y:i}Kept it up for months.
{y:i}She thought it was great.
{y:i}I told her I had my own|{y:i}dental practice.
{y:i}And her mam and dad|{y:i}were pretty impressed as well.
{y:i}But when she found out I worked in the|{y:i}potato distributior business which is what I do
{y:i}she went spane.
{y:i}Called me a liar|{y:i}which is fair enough I suppose,
{y:i}A few days later she rang me up|{y:i}but that was that.
{y:i}I tried to talk to her but|{y:i}she wasn't having any of it.
I don't care any more anyway.
I'm a potato man. That's what I do.
Doesn't make me a bad person.
Would you like to see my horse?
(Grunting and groaning)
- Well, well!|(Horse neighs)
{y:i}OPERATOR:|{y:i}Your fun box has one new message.
{y:i}WOMAN:|{y:i}Hiya Tolly my name's Gloria.
{y:i}I really like your message.|{y:i}You sound like you're up for a laugh.
Fucking yes! Yes!
(Rings bell)
This is very nice, Gloria,|thanks for this.
Good idea, get to know each other.|I haven't been to a party for ages.
- How come?|- Dunno. Don't get invited to any.
Gloria, hello! Come on in,|nice to see you!
Told you I'd make it!
- Nice to see you.|- All right, mate. Been swimming?
- Eh?|- Don't matter.
- Is this what I think it is?|- Depends. What do you think it is?
Is's obviously some sort of towel party.
Is's a sex party.
Fucking hell! Honestly?
Hey, I've heard about these.|Is's like, anything goes.
Is's like a big orgy. Brilliant!
What a sight
Is's got a certain style
Hits the spot
Hits it right
Take your chance
Don't miss out, it's so near
Grab it, now's the time, cos it's here
Plat du jour
Served right up for you
One tasty dish
Is's a cure
Keep on track
And now it's right on stream
lt'll keep you
Ahead of the pack
Don't miss out
{y:i}GLORIA:|{y:i}How was that then?
Was that what you wanted?
Yeah, it was great, yeah. Thanks.
You don't sound very happy about it.
No, I'm just, you know.
- Do you want to do it some more?|- No, that was... That was it.
I could do with a cup of tea,|actually.
All this jam.
Sleeping here now, are you?
That chip shop -|I got my fingers burnt there, mate.
- Did you?|- Yeah. Look.
Trying to get a pound coin|out the fat-fryer.
- Bet it hurt.|- Did.
And I nearly got beat|up by big fat Gordon.
I've warned you about him.
He catch you with his missus, did he?
Yeah, something like that.
You want to keep a low profile.
I'm gonna. Anyway, have a look at this.
(Beeps horn)
- What do you reckon?|- Oh, magic.
Funky moped.
I see what's going on here.
You've had enough of women for|t'time being and it's going to|be you and the moped for a bit,
so you're... you're expressing yourself|in a different way.
No, mate. This is a fanny magnet.
I'm gonna be knee-deep in pussy|with this thing.
{y:i}- What did it cost you?|{y:i}- Nothing.
I borrowed it off a mate of mine.
I'm thinking of buying it, though.
You reckon I should get one?
(Starts engine)|- Is's up to you.
Give us a go, then.
- That's the accelerator.|- Yeah, I know.
- Is's nice, innit?|- Yeah.
Oh, fuck!
Dave! Dave!
Just say a situation occurred|that was out of your hands.
You know, human error.
Police horse sat on it. That'll do.
He's 24. He'll understand.
You should pay for the repairs.
Here he comes. Just act normal.
- All right, Ferris?|- All right, Beans.
So what do you think, then?|You buying my moped?
What do you think, Dave?
I'm going for a piss.
Is's hardly done any miles.|Is's a bargain.
Yeah. All right, then, I'll have it.
Nice one, Ferris.|I'll see you later on in the week.
I've got to get off, I'm with Debs.
- Yeah, I'll settle up with you when I see you.|- Sorted.
Piss off, Dave. Leaving me to sort it out.
I want a word with you. Outside.
She's in the back seat.
You want me to give her one?
Where are you going to be?
Never you mind.
What you waiting for? Want some of this?|Eh?
Get in there.
Come on!
I'm going to have flat beer because of you.
If my husband finds out about us...|in the back of his car
doing it doggy-style,
he'll put me across his knee.
FERRIS: This is the last time|I'm doing this.
GlRL: Use me. Use me.
{y:i}- You're using me.|{y:i}- Shut up, Ferris, you tart.
Just think of my big fat husband.
And what he'll do to me if he finds out.
My big...fat...husband.
Right. That's it.
I've had enough of this.
- Ferris!|(Grunting from car boot)
{y:i}Come here!
What do you think you're doing?
Tell him, Dave.|Tell him to leave me alone.
This ain't nowt to do wi' me, Ferris.
Get back in the car, you.
Dave, I'm asking you to help me.
- What are you doing, Gordon?|- None of your business.
What? I don't even know what's going on!
{y:i}- Keep your mouth shut, Ferris.|{y:i}- No Gordon!
I don't care if you beat me up,|I'm not doing this any more.
- We'll see about that.|- No. If I carry on doing this,|stuff like this,
it's going to put me off sex for life,|and that's not going to happen.
OK? My sex all I've got.
- I'm not doing it, Gordon.|- Yeah, you tell him, Ferris.
And if you've got a problem with that,|me and Dave are going to beat you up,|aren't we, Dave?
Yeah, that's right.|D-Don't mess with the potato men.
You're a pair of fucking idiots!
Yeah, well, you're locked in|the boot of your car.
You'd better let him out or he'll go mad.
Yeah, I suppose so.
You dickhead!
I opened the boot|to show there's no hard feelings!
Why don't you both just fuck off?
All right, we will!
Come on, Dave.
Gordon's bottle went, didn't it?
It was when you said,|"Don't mess with the potato men."
Yeah, I wish I hadn't said that now.|Sounds stupid.
You're going to have to get|that moped repaired.
- Yeah, I'll pay for it.|- Good. I'm still thinking of buying it.
{y:i}Fuck it, I am going to buy it.|{y:i}I'm buying a moped.
- Is's got a big dent in it.|- Don't care. I'm buying a moped.
What's going on?
- Not you again?|- What do you want, Ferris?
I thought you might like|to see my moped.
He's got a massive cock.
(Chink s glass)
{y:i}Thank you Er.
Thank you. Thank s. Erm...
I just want to say thank s for coming|at short notice
to this occasion to celebrate that|me and Shelley have got engaged.
(Half-hearted cheer)
Erm... Is's been a whirlwind romance.
We're both madly in love.
Shelley's what I've been looking|for all my life.
And she's got|what she's always been looking for -
a potato man.
(Tolly cheers)
Seriously... Er...thank s.
Erm... Here's to me and Shelley.
ALL: Cheers.
There's plenty of crisps and nuts|if you er...want to er...
(Guests chatter animatedly )
A bit of all right, that Shelley,|isn't she?
She keeps looking over here.
I think she fancies me.
Don't be stupid.
Why can't I find a nice sensible|girl like that?
Yeah, I know. Is's not fair, is it?
I'm moving my stuff into Tolly's tonight.
Yeah, you'll like it.|He's er... He's got a nice place.
Is's good timing for me,|you moving out and that.
I needed to move on.
Start a new chapter. Make a fresh start.
- Sleeping in the van?|- Yeah.
Be all right.
Is's only for a couple of nights, though,|cos I think I've found somewhere new.
Is's temporary,|but it's better than the van.
Where's that, then?
{y:i}Bluey-green's always been|{y:i}my favourite colour.
Is's very er...
Is's very nice, Joan.
And it's see-through.
Yeah, that reminds me,|I'm going to have to trim that hedge.
Ready for another one?
Not really.
I've really got to have a decent break|between each one or I'll injure myself.
I'll do a bit of crazy paving for an hour.
Sod, the crazy paving, I've got needs!
Joan, honestly, I'm drained.
I need to get some fresh air.
What about a quick shower?
{y:i}No thanks!
Hello, chicken!
What are you doing?
Is's so you don't have to walk on t'grass.|Is's called crazy paving.
Is's funny-looking.
{y:i}DAVE:|{y:i}It's nice!
Ferris told me you were here.
{y:i}He came rourd to see me
He's worried about you.
{y:i}- Is he?|{y:i}- Yeah
And he hates living at Tolly's place.
All them horrible smells...and rats.
He's got rats.
Could do with a bit of a clean-up,|that place.
If you come back,|I'm not standing for any nonsense.
I know.
You're a dad.|And that's what you've got to be.
Yeah, th-that's what I want to do.
And you've got to help me.
I will, I swear.
Come on, Katie.
We've got to go.
You coming?
Hands up! Hands up!
I was about 13, I think. Late starter.
12. I was 12.
What about you, Tolly?|When did you have your first wank?
Oh, er... Half past seven.
Then another one about...quarter to nine.
Here's your film back, mate.
- What's that? Lord Of The Rings?|- No, Spunk Guzzlers Drenched In Piss.
{y:i}FERRIS: Porn. You can't beat it.
They spend millions making normal films|with special effects and that.
I reckon 99% of people would rather watch|hardcore porn than any other type of film.
I think you're right. If you were on a|desert island and could only have one film,
you're not going to want|Return Of The Fucking Jedi, are you?
{y:i}You want one with a bird in it
with a nice juicy fanny and|a big pair of tits.
Is's common sense, isn't it?
You know what I'd like?
I'd like to be able to detach my knob,|take it right off,
then I could get both ends|sucked at once.
I'd like to get a giant panda,|kill it, then fuck it.
Why do you want to do that?
Dave, if you don't kill it,|it's going to bite you!
They, like, maul you, pandas.
I think it's all that black-and-white fur|and that great big arse.
Has anyone seen my dog?
Come on, Eileen
Come on, Eileen
Poor old Johnny Ray
Sounded sad upon the radio
Moved a million hearts in mono
Our mothers cried
And sang along, who'd blame them?
{y:i}You're grown|{y:i}You're grown up
{y:i}So grown|{y:i}So grown up
Now I must say more than ever
{y:i}Come or Eileen
Toora loora, toora loo rye aye
We can sing just like our fathers
Come on, Eileen
{y:i}Oh, I swear|{y:i}Well he means
At this moment
You mean everything
With you in that dress
My thoughts I confess
Verge on dirty
Oh, come on, Eileen
Come on, Eileen
These people round here
Wear beaten-down eyes|sunk in smoke-dried faces
So resigned to what their fate is
{y:i}But not us|{y:i}No never.
{y:i}No, not us|{y:i}No never.
We are far too youg and clever
Go, toora loora, toora loo rye aye
Eileen, I'll hum this tune for ever
Come on, Eileen
{y:i}Oh, I swear|{y:i}Well he means
Oh, come on, let's take off everything
That pretty red dress
{y:i}Eileen|{y:i}Tell him yes
Oh, come on, let's
Oh, come on, Eileen
That pretty red dress
{y:i}Eileen|{y:i}Tell him yes
Oh, come on, let's
Oh, come on, Eileen, please
{y:i}Come or Eileen too loo rye aye
{y:i}Come or Eileen too loo rye aye
{y:i}Now you are grown|{y:i}Toora
{y:i}Now you have shown|{y:i}Toora too loora
Oh, Eileen
{y:i}Said, you're grown|{y:i}Come or Eileen too loo rye aye
{y:i}So grown|{y:i}Come or Eileen too loo rye aye
{y:i}Now I must say more than ever|{y:i}Toora toora too loora
Things round here will change
{y:i}I said, toora loora|{y:i}Come on Eileen too loo rye aye
{y:i}Toora loo rye aye|{y:i}Come or Eileen too loo rye aye
{y:i}Toora toora too loora
Come on, Eileen
{y:i}Oh, I swear|{y:i}Well he means
At this moment
You mean everything
With you in that dress
My thoughts I confess
Verge on dirty
Oh, come on, Eileen
Come on, Eileen
SLC Punk
SNL Best Of Eddie Murphy 1998
S Diary 2004
Saathiya CD1
Saathiya CD2
Saaya CD1
Saaya CD2
Sahara (1943)
Sahara (with Michael Palin) ep1
Sahara (with Michael Palin) ep2
Sahara (with Michael Palin) ep3
Sahara (with Michael Palin) ep4
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Sahara interview with Michael Palin
Saint Clara
Salaam Bombay CD1
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Salaam Cinema 1995
Salems Lot 2004 CD1
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Salesman - Albert and David Maysles (1969)
Salo Or The 120 Days Of Sodom
Salton Sea The
Salvador (1986)
Salvatore Giuliano (Francesco Rosi 1961) CD1
Salvatore Giuliano (Francesco Rosi 1961) CD2
Samourai Le
Samsara 1991 CD1
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Samurai - Miyamoto Musashi - 03 - Duel at Ganryu Island
Samurai 2 (1955)
Samurai 3 - Duel At Ganryu Island 1956
Samurai Assassin 1965
Samurai Fiction
Sanbiki No Samurai 1964
Sand Pebbles The CD1
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Sands of Iwo Jima
Sanjuro (1962)
Santa Claus 2
Sante Trap The
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Satans Brew 1976
Saturday Night Fever CD1
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Satyajit Ray - Apu Trilogy 2 Aparajito (1957)
Sauvage Innocence 2001 CD1
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Savage Innocents The 1959
Savage The (2003)
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Saved 2004
Saving Private Ryan CD1
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Saving Private Ryan CD3
Saving Silverman (R Rated Version)
Saw 2004
Say It Isnt So 2001
Scalphunters The (1968)
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Scar The (1976) CD1
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Scaramouche CD1
Scaramouche CD2
Scarecrow - (Kakashi) 25fps 2001
Scarlet Diva
Scarlet Empress The (1934)
Scarlet Empress The - Criterion Collection
Scary Movie
Scary Movie 2
Scene At The Sea A (Japanese)
Scenes From A Marriage (1973) CD1
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Scenes from a Marriage CD1
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Scenes from a Marriage CD3
Scenes from a Marriage CD4
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Schippers van de Kameleon CD1
Schippers van de Kameleon CD2
School Of Flesh The
School of Rock
Schussangst (2003)
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Scooby-Doo - A Gaggle of Galloping Ghosts
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Scooby-Doo - Which Witch is Which
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Scooby-Doo and the Legend of the Vampire
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Score The
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Scrooged (1988)
Second Nature
Secondhand Lion
Seconds (1966)
Secret Admirer
Secret Agents 2004
Secret Agents Into the Heart of the CIA
Secret Ballot 2001
Secret Lives of Dentist The
Secret Tears
Secret Window 2004
Secret life of Walter Mitty The (1947)
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Secret of the Sword
Secretary (2002)
Secrets of Women
Seducing doctor Lewis
See Spot Run
See no Evil Hear no Evil
Seinfeld Chronicles The
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Sentinel The
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Serpents Egg The
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Setup The (Robert Wise 1949)
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Seven Brides for Seven Brothers
Seven Days in May (1963)
Seven Samurai (1956)
Seven Year Itch The
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Seventh Seal The - Criterion Collection
Seventh Sign The
Sex Is Comedy
Sex Lies And Videotape CD1
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Sex and Lucia (Unrated Spanish Edition)
Sex and Zen
Sex and the City 3x13 - Escape From New York
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Sex and the City 3x15 - Hot Child in the City
Sex and the City 3x16 - Frenemies
Sex and the City 3x17 - What Goes Around Comes Around
Sex and the City 3x18 - Cock A Doodle Do
Sex is zero
Sex lives of the potato men
Sexo Con Amor 2003
Sexy Beast
Sexy Beast 2000
Seytan 1974
Shadow The Universal
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Shaft 1971
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She Creature
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Sherlock Holmes - Hound of the Baskervilles
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Sherlock Holmes - The Pearl Of Death 1944
Sherlock Holmes - The Sign of Four
Sherlock Holmes 1x01 - A Scandal In Bohemia
Sherlock Holmes 1x02 - The Dancing Men
Sherlock Holmes 1x03 - The Naval Treaty
Sherlock Holmes 1x04 - The Solitary Cyclist
Sherlock Holmes 1x05 - The Crooked Man
Sherlock Holmes 1x06 - The Speckled Band
Sherlock Holmes 1x07 - The Blue Carbuncle
Sherlock Holmes 1x08 - The Copper Beeches
Sherlock Holmes 1x09 - The Greek Interpreter
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Sherlock Holmes 1x11 - The Resident Patient
Sherlock Holmes 1x12 - The Red Headed League
Sherlock Holmes 1x13 - The Final Problem
Sherlock Holmes And The House Of Fear 1945
Sherlock Holmes And The Spider Woman 1944
Sherlock Holmes And The Voice Of Terror 1942
Sherlock Holmes Faces Death 1943
Sherlock Holmes Returns
Sherlock Holmes The Eligible Bachelor
Sherlock Holmes The Scarlet Claw 1944
Sherlock Holmes in Washington 1943
Shes All That
Shes So Lovely
Shes out of control
Shes the One
Shield The 2x01 - The Quick Fix
Shield The 2x02 - Dead Soldiers
Shield The 2x03 - Partners
Shield The 2x04 - Carte Blanche
Shijushichinin No Shikaku (1994 aka 47 Ronin)
Shiki-Jitsu (Hideaki Anno 2000)
Shin Zatoichi monogatari (1963)
Shine (1996)
Shinjuku - Triad Society (Takashi Miike 1995) CD1
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Shinning The
Ship of Fools CD1 (Stanley Kramer 1965)
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Shiryour gari
Shiver Of The Vampires The
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Shogun 1980 Part 1
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Shogun 1980 Part 3
Shogun 1980 Part 4
Shogun 1980 Part 5 and 6
Shogun 1980 Part 7 and 8
Shogun 1980 Part 9 and 10
Shop Around The Corner The 1940
Short Circuit 2
Short Cuts CD1
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Short Film About Killing A (1988)
Short Film About Love A (1988)
Short Film About Love A 1988
Shot In The Dark A
Show Me Love
Show Time
Shredder (Greg Huson 2003)
Shree 420
Shrek 2
Shriek if You Know What I Did Last Friday the 13th
Shuang tong (2002)
Shutter (2004)
Sib - The Apple
Sibiriada CD1
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Sibling Rivalry
Siburay Bate Cafe
Sicilian The 1987 CD1
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Siege The (1998)
Siegfried I
Siegfried II
Siegfried III
Silence of the Lambs The
Silencers The (Phil Karlson 1966)
Silent Trigger 1996
Silent Warnings
Silk Stockings
Silmido CD1
Silmido CD2
Silver City
Silver Hawk
Silver Streak 1976
Simon and Garfunkel - The Concert in Central Park
Simon of the Desert
Simone CD1
Simone CD2
Simpsons 01x01 - Simpsons Roasting Over An Open Fire
Simpsons 01x02 - Bart The Genius
Simpsons 01x03 - Homers Odyssey
Simpsons 01x04 - Theres No Disgrace Like Home
Simpsons 01x05 - Bart the General
Simpsons 01x06 - Moaning Lisa
Simpsons 01x07 - The Call of the Simpsons
Simpsons 01x08 - The Telltale Head
Simpsons 01x09 - Life on the Fast Lane
Simpsons 01x10 - Homers Night Out
Simpsons 01x11 - The Crepes Of Wrath
Simpsons 01x12 - Krusty Gets Busted
Simpsons 01x13 - Some Enchanted Evening
Simpsons The
Simpsons The 05x01 - Homers Barbershop Quartet
Simpsons The 05x02 - Cape Feare
Simpsons The 05x03 - Homer Goes To College
Simpsons The 05x04 - Rosebud
Simpsons The 05x05 - Tree House Of Horror
Simpsons The 05x06 - Marge On The Lam
Simpsons The 05x07 - Barts Inner Child
Simpsons The 05x08 - Boy Scoutz N The Hood
Simpsons The 05x09 - The Last-Temptation Of Homer
Simpsons The 05x10 - $pringfield
Simpsons The 05x11 - Homer The Vigilante
Simpsons The 05x12 - Bart Gets Famous
Simpsons The 05x13 - Homer And Apu
Simpsons The 05x14 - Lisa Vs Malibu Stacy
Simpsons The 05x15 - Deep Space Homer
Simpsons The 05x16 - Homer Loves Flanders
Simpsons The 05x17 - Bart Gets An Elephant
Simpsons The 05x18 - Burns Heir
Simpsons The 05x19 - Sweet Seymour Skinners Baadasssss Song
Simpsons The 05x20 - The Boy Who Knew Too Much
Simpsons The 05x21 - Lady Bouviers Lover
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Sin 2003
Sin noticias de Dios
Sinbad - Legend Of The Seven Seas
Since Otar Left 2003
Since You Went Away CD1
Since You Went Away CD2
Sinful Nuns of Saint Valentine
Singin in the Rain
Singing Detective The
Singles (2003) CD1
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Sink The Bismarck
Sinnui yauman
Sinnui yauman II
Sirens 1994
Sirocco 1951
Sissi 1955
Sister Act
Sister Act 2 - Back in the Habit CD1
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Six Days Seven Nights
Six Degrees of Separation (1993)
Six Feet Under
Six String Samurai
Six Strong Guys (2004)
Sixteen Candles CD1
Sixteen Candles CD2
Sixth Sense The
Skammen (Shame Bergman 1968)
Skazka o tsare Saltane
Skulls The
Skulls The (Collectors Edition)
Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow
Slap Shot
Slap Shot 2
Slaughterhouse Five
Sleeper 1973
Sleepers (1996) CD1
Sleepers (1996) CD2
Sleepless in Seattle
Sleepwalkers 1992
Sleepy Hollow 1999
Sleuth (Mankiewicz 1972) CD1
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Sliding Doors 1992
Sling Blade CD1
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Small Change (FranÇois Truffaut 1976)
Small Time Crooks 2000
Smell of Fear The
Smokey and the Bandit
Smoking Room
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Snake Pit The
Snatch - Special Edition
Sneakers 1992
Sniper 2
Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs 1937
Snowfever (2004)
So Close 2002
Sobibor 14 Octobre 1943
Sol Goode
Solaris (Solyaris)
Solaris (Tarkovsky) CD1
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Solaris - Criterion Collection
Solaris 2002
Solaris 2002 - Behind the Planet
Solaris 2002 Inside
Soldaat Van Oranje 1977 CD1
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Soldier CD1
Soldier CD2
Soldiers Story A (Norman Jewison 1984)
Solomon and Sheba CD1
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Sombre 25fps 1998
Some Kind of Monster CD1
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Someone Special
Something The Lord Made CD1
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Somethings Gotta Give CD1
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Son In Law
Son The
Song of the South
Sophies Choice
Sorority boys
Sose me
Soul Guardians The (1998) CD1
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Soul Keeper The (2003)
Soul Plane
Soul Survivors
Sound of Music The
South Park - Bigger Longer and Uncut
South Park 01x01 - Cartman Gets An Anal Probe
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South Park 01x05 - An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
South Park 01x06 - Death
South Park 01x07 - Pinkeye
South Park 01x08 - Jesus VS Satan
South Park 01x09 - Starvin Marvin
South Park 01x10 - Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo
South Park 01x11 - Toms Rhinoplasty
South Park 01x12 - Mecha Striesand
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Soylent Green 1973
Spacehunter 1983
Spanish Prisoner The CD1
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Spark the Lighter
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Spartacus Fixed 1960
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Spawn (1997)
Spawn (Directors Cut)
Species 3 CD1
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Speed 2 - Cruise Control
Spellbound (Hitchcock 1945)
Spetters 1980
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Spies Like Us 1985
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Spoilers The
Spongebob Squarepants The Movie
Springtime In A Small Town
Spun (Unrated Version)
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Stargate SG1 1x01 Children of the Gods
Stargate SG1 1x02 The enemy Within
Stargate SG1 1x03 Emancipation
Stargate SG1 1x04 The Broca Divide
Stargate SG1 1x05 The First Commandment
Stargate SG1 1x06 Cold Lazarus
Stargate SG1 1x07 The Nox
Stargate SG1 1x08 Brief Candle
Stargate SG1 1x09 Thors Hammer
Stargate SG1 1x10 The Torment of Tantalus
Stargate SG1 1x11 Bloodlines
Stargate SG1 1x12 Fire and Water
Stargate SG1 1x13 Hathor
Stargate SG1 1x14 Singularity
Stargate SG1 1x15 The Cor AI
Stargate SG1 1x16 Enigma
Stargate SG1 1x17 Solitudes
Stargate SG1 1x18 Tin Man
Stargate SG1 1x19 There but for the Grace of God
Stargate SG1 1x20 Politics
Stargate SG1 1x21 Within the Serpents Grasp
Stargate SG1 2x01 The serpents lair
Stargate SG1 2x02 In the line of duty
Stargate SG1 2x03 Prisoners
Stargate SG1 2x04 The gamekeeper
Stargate SG1 2x05 Need
Stargate SG1 2x06 Thors chariot
Stargate SG1 2x07 Message in a bottle
Stargate SG1 2x08 Family
Stargate SG1 2x09 Secrets
Stargate SG1 2x10 Bane
Stargate SG1 2x11 The tokra part 1
Stargate SG1 2x12 The tokra part 2
Stargate SG1 2x13 Spirits
Stargate SG1 2x14 Touchstone
Stargate SG1 2x15 The fifth race
Stargate SG1 2x16 A matter of time
Stargate SG1 2x17 Holiday
Stargate SG1 2x18 Serpents song
Stargate SG1 2x19 One false step
Stargate SG1 2x20 Show and tell
Stargate SG1 2x21 1969
Stargate SG1 3x01 Into The Fire II
Stargate SG1 3x02 Seth
Stargate SG1 3x03 Fair Game
Stargate SG1 3x04 Legacy
Stargate SG1 3x05 Learning Curve
Stargate SG1 3x06 Point Of View
Stargate SG1 3x07 Deadman Switch
Stargate SG1 3x08 Demons
Stargate SG1 3x09 Rules Of Engagement
Stargate SG1 3x10 Forever In A Day
Stargate SG1 3x11 Past And Present
Stargate SG1 3x12 Jolinars Memories
Stargate SG1 3x13 The Devil You Know
Stargate SG1 3x14 Foothold
Stargate SG1 3x15 Pretense
Stargate SG1 3x16 Urgo
Stargate SG1 3x17 A Hundred Days
Stargate SG1 3x18 Shades Of Grey
Stargate SG1 3x19 New Ground
Stargate SG1 3x20 Maternal Instinct
Stargate SG1 3x21 Crystal Skull
Stargate SG1 3x22 Nemesis
Stargate SG1 4x01 Small Victories
Stargate SG1 4x02 The Other Side
Stargate SG1 4x03 Upgrades
Stargate SG1 4x04 Crossroads
Stargate SG1 4x05 Divide And Conquer
Stargate SG1 4x06 Window Of Opportunity
Stargate SG1 4x07 Watergate
Stargate SG1 4x08 The First Ones
Stargate SG1 4x09 Scorched Earth
Stargate SG1 4x10 Beneath The Surface
Stargate SG1 4x11 Point Of No Return
Stargate SG1 4x12 Tangent
Stargate SG1 4x13 The Curse
Stargate SG1 4x14 The Serpents Venom
Stargate SG1 4x15 Chain Reaction
Stargate SG1 4x16 2010
Stargate SG1 4x17 Absolute Power
Stargate SG1 4x18 The Light
Stargate SG1 4x19 Prodigy
Stargate SG1 4x20 Entity
Stargate SG1 4x21 Double Jeopardy
Stargate SG1 4x22 Exodus
Stargate SG1 5x01 Enemies
Stargate SG1 5x02 Threshold
Stargate SG1 5x03 Ascension
Stargate SG1 5x04 Fifth Man
Stargate SG1 5x05 Red Sky
Stargate SG1 5x06 Rite Of Passage
Stargate SG1 5x07 Beast Of Burden
Stargate SG1 5x08 The Tomb
Stargate SG1 5x09 Between Two Fires
Stargate SG1 5x10 2001
Stargate SG1 5x11 Desperate Measures
Stargate SG1 5x12 Wormhole X-Treme
Stargate SG1 5x13 Proving Ground
Stargate SG1 5x14 48 Hours
Stargate SG1 5x15 Summit
Stargate SG1 5x16 Last Stand
Stargate SG1 5x17 Failsafe
Stargate SG1 5x18 The Warrior
Stargate SG1 5x19 Menace
Stargate SG1 5x20 The Sentinel
Stargate SG1 5x21 Meridian
Stargate SG1 5x22 Revelations
Stargate SG1 6x01 Redemption Part 1
Stargate SG1 6x02 Redemption Part 2
Stargate SG1 6x03 Descent
Stargate SG1 6x04 Frozen
Stargate SG1 6x05 Nightwalkers
Stargate SG1 6x06 Abyss
Stargate SG1 6x07 Shadow Play
Stargate SG1 6x08 The Other Guys
Stargate SG1 6x09 Allegiance
Stargate SG1 6x10 Cure
Stargate SG1 6x11 Prometheus
Stargate SG1 6x12 Unnatural Selection
Stargate SG1 6x13 Sight Unseen
Stargate SG1 6x14 Smoke n Mirrors
Stargate SG1 6x15 Paradise Lost
Stargate SG1 6x16 Metamorphosis
Stargate SG1 6x17 Disclosure
Stargate SG1 6x18 Forsaken
Stargate SG1 6x19 The Changeling
Stargate SG1 6x20 Memento
Stargate SG1 6x21 Prophecy
Stargate SG1 6x22 Full Circle
Stargate SG1 7x01 Fallen
Stargate SG1 7x02 Homecoming
Stargate SG1 7x03 Fragile Balance
Stargate SG1 7x04 Orpheus
Stargate SG1 7x05 Revisions
Stargate SG1 7x06 Lifeboat
Stargate SG1 7x07 Enemy Mine
Stargate SG1 7x08 Space Race
Stargate SG1 7x09 Avenger 2 0
Stargate SG1 7x10 Birthright
Stargate SG1 7x10 Heroes II
Stargate SG1 7x11 Evolution I
Stargate SG1 7x12 Evolution II
Stargate SG1 7x13 Grace
Stargate SG1 7x14 Fallout
Stargate SG1 7x15 Chimera
Stargate SG1 7x16 Death Knell
Stargate SG1 7x17 Heroes I
Stargate SG1 7x19 Resurrection
Stargate SG1 7x20 Inauguration
Stargate SG1 7x21-22 The Lost City I n II
Starship Troopers (Special Edition)
Starship Troopers 2
Story Of A Kiss
Strada La
Strange aventure de Docteur Molyneux
Street Of Love And Hope (Nagisa Oshima 1959)
Street of shame (Akasen chitai)
Streetcar Named Desire A
Style Wars
Suicide Regimen
Sukces 2003
Summer Tale A 2000
Sunday Lunch (2003)
Super 8 Stories
Superman IV - The Quest for Peace
Surviving the Game
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD1
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD2
Sweetest Thing The (Unrated Version)
Swept Away
Swordsman III - The East is Red
Sylvester - Canned Feud (1951)
Sylvester - Speedy Gonzales (1955)
Sylvester and Elmer - Kit for Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Porky - Scaredy Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Tweety - Canary Row (1950)
Sylvester and Tweety - Putty Tat Trouble (1951)
Sylvester and Tweety - Tweetys SOS (1951)