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South Park 01x01 - Cartman Gets An Anal Probe

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Cartman Gets an Anal Probe
Damn it! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again.
Ike, you can't come to school with me.
- Go home, you little dildo. - Dude, don't call my brother a dildo.
- What's a dildo? - I don't know.
- Cartman doesn't know either. - I know what it is!
- Well, what? - I'm not telling you.
What's a dildo, Kenny?
Yeah, that's what Kyle's little brother is, all right.
- That kicks ass. - Check this one out.
- Ready, Ike? Kick the baby. - Don't kick the baby.
Kick the baby.
Looks like you didn't get much sleep.
- I had these bogus nightmares. - Really? What about?
Well, I dreamt that I was lying in my bed, in the dark...
...when all of a sudden, this bright blue light filled the room.
And slowly my bedroom door opened. The next thing I remember...
...I was being dragged through a hallway.
Then I was on a table, and these scary aliens wanted to operate on me.
And they had big heads and black eyes.
- Dude, visitors! - What?
- Those were visitors. - It was just a dream. My mom said so.
- They're are real. - They abduct people and mutilate cows.
Shut up. You're trying to scare me, and it's not working.
- Hello, children. - Hey, Chef.
- What's for lunch today? - Salisbury steak with buttered noodles.
- Bean casserole or vegetable medley. - Kick ass.
Did any of you see the alien spaceship last night?
Yeah, fat boy saw it.
That was just a dream. And I'm not fat, I'm big-boned!
Was it the ones with the big heads and black eyes?
- They took him on their ship. - Did they give you an anal probe?
What's that?
That's when they put a metal hoop up your butt.
- They gave you an anal probe, Cartman? - No! I mean, why would they do that?
They did, huh? Aliens stuck stuff up your ass!
- Anal probe. - Shut up, dildo!
I gotta get to the cafeteria. Watch that fat boy, now.
He could be under alien control.
They were real. Sorry about your ass.
Goddamn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream.
- Why you walking so funny? - Shut up!
No, Ike, go home.
This is it. This one's for the game. Kick the baby.
- Good morning, Mrs. Crabtree. - Sit down, we're late!
- He's still there. - Don't worry.
If something happens to him, my parents will blame me.
Sit down back there!
- Whatever, you fat bitch. - What did you say?!
I said, I have a bad itch.
Oh, my God!
- Visitors! - Oh, no!
Ike! Stop the bus!
You have to stop this bus!
- Do you want an office referral? - No.
- Then sit down! - But l...
- Are those the same visitors you saw? - Shut up, it's not working.
- We have to do something. - We can't.
- That fat bitch won't let us. - What did you say?!
- I said that rabbits eat lettuce. - Well, yes, they certainly do.
What am I gonna do? My brother has been abducted by aliens.
You farted.
Somebody's baking brownies.
That's the third cow this month.
At this rate, all my cattle will die before the winter's through.
This isn't unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.
People been saying they've seen UFOs around.
And black Army CIA helicopters and trucks.
That is the silliest thing I've ever heard.
- What was that? - That was a pigeon.
What am I supposed to do?
Just stand here and watch my cattle get mutilated one by one?
My cattle!
See? There is something funny going on.
There's nothing funny going on. I'll get those cows back.
And now our friend Mr. Hat is going to tell us about Christopher Columbus.
That's right, Mr. Garrison.
Columbus discovered America and was the Indians' best friend.
He helped them win their war against Frederick Douglass...
...and freed the Hebrews from Napoleon and discovered France.
I have to help my stupid brother. If I go home without him, my dad will yell:
"Where's your brother? You weren't looking out for him."
- Let's go find him. - "He can't think on his own.
Brush and floss. Where has that finger been?"
- Dude! - Is there a problem?
- Yes, I have to go now. - Really, Kyle?
- What is it? Another prostate tumor? - My brother's been abducted by aliens.
It's true. Ask Cartman. They gave him an anal probe.
- That's a little joke. - Mr. Garrison, seriously, I have to go.
- Can I please be excused? - I don't know. Did you ask Mr. Hat?
I don't wanna ask Mr. Hat. I'm asking you!
- I think you should ask Mr. Hat. - Mr. Hat, may I please be excused?
Well, Kyle, no! You hear me? You go to hell!
You go to hell and you die! You'll have to take your seat.
- Damn it! - Ha-ha, Mr. Hat yelled at you.
- My ass! - Damn, Cartman!
- My ass! - Dude, he's farting fire!
It's the alien anal probe. It's shooting fire from his rectum!
No, that was just a dream.
Do you need to sit in the corner until your gas is under control?
No, Mr. Garrison, I'm fine.
You cows can't get on this train. This is a people train.
You cows have no business on a people train, all right? You're cows.
Don't try any of that cow hypnosis on me, all right?
- Because it's not gonna work. - Hold it right there, cows.
Come back here!
- I sure am hungry. - How can you eat when you fart fire?
Shut up, you're being totally immature.
- Look, there's Wendy Testaburger. - Where?
- Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger - Shut up, fat ass, I don't like her.
I'm not fat. You like her because you throw up when she talks to you.
- I do not. - Hi, guys.
Hi, Wendy.
Here, Stan, this is for you.
Bye, Wendy.
Dude, what does the note say?
Holy crap! She wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.
- Whoa, maybe you can kiss her. - Or slip her the tongue.
What? How do you know she has a cat?
Let's figure out how to ditch school so we can get Ike back.
Hello, children. How are you?
- Bad. - Why bad?
Have you ever had something happen but nobody believed you?
Children, that's a problem we've all had to face at some time or another.
Here, let me sing you a little song. It might clear things up.
- Do you feel better? - No.
Come on, children, what can be so bad? It's Salisbury-steak day.
- Visitors took Kyle's baby brother. - What?!
What are you doing eating Salisbury steak?
- Find him! - Mr. Garrison won't let us go.
- He thinks we're making it up. - You are making it up.
- What? - That was cool!
It's some kind of symbiotic metamorphosis device.
This could mean the visitors want to talk to us.
I see. You're joining in on the joke.
It's no joke, children. This is big.
If I don't get out of school and get Ike back... parents will disown me.
Hold on now. You got to help the children.
You guys are going a long way to try and scare me.
I want my Salisbury steak.
Fire drill, fire drill! Everybody out! Okay, children, this is your chance.
Killer. Thanks, Chef.
First contact with the alien visitors. I've gotta get myself ready.
We got out of school No more school today
We got out of school
- You guys, my ass, seriously! - Okay, you can stop farting fire now.
- I can't, you son of a bitch! - How do we get my brother back?
Would you stop going on about your brother?
It was just a dream! I didn't have an anal probe!
I am not under alien control!
- What was that? - He is under alien control.
- His butt's linked up to the visitors. - Son of a bitch!
Guys, shut up. I'm not under alien control.
If you visitors can hear me, bring back my brother, goddamn it!
That hurts, you butt-licker!
- Kyle, look, it's them. - Give me back my brother!
- Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! - You bastards!
Come back here! Come back! Damn it, we were so close!
Hey, look. I think Kenny's okay.
Wow, poor Kenny.
- Now do you believe us? - No.
- Cartman, they killed Kenny. - He's not dead.
Dude, Kenny is dead. See?
- Shut up, you guys. - He's dead, Cartman.
Damn it, I didn't have an anal probe! Screw you guys, I'm going home.
- Go on and go home, you fat chicken! - Dildo!
- You're all I have left. - Sorry, I gotta meet Wendy.
You can't. Poor Ike must be so scared, up there all alone. Help me.
Like Chef says, "I'm getting a piece of loving while the getting's hot."
- Hello, Eric. - Hi, Mom.
- How are you doing? - Well, I'm pissed off.
Here, I made you powdered-doughnut pancake surprise.
I don't want it! All the kids in school call me fat.
- You're not fat, you're big-boned. - That's what I said.
You can have an eensy-weensy bit, can't you?
- Just a weensy-eensy woo-woo? - No. Leave me alone, Mom.
How about a nice chocolate chicken potpie then?
Well, that does sound pretty good.
- Mom? - Yes, hon?
If anybody calls or visits, I'm not here, okay?
- Sure. You want some Cheesy Poofs too? - Yeah, I want Cheesy Poofs.
She's not coming. Let's look for the visitors.
- But her note said she'd be here. - Hi, Stan.
- He throws up when you talk to him. - But why, Stan?
Would you get down to business so we can find Ike?
- Make sweet love by the fire. - What happened to Ike?
As UFO sightings increase...
...more mysterious crop-circle patterns are appearing in fields.
These crop circles, when viewed from above, form strange patterns.
Hey, that kind of looks like Tom Selleck.
Could it be that aliens are trying to make contact with us on Earth?
No, Kitty, this is my potpie.
No, Kitty, you bad kitty. No, Kitty, this is my potpie!
Mom! Kitty's being a dildo!
Then I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.
I have to go home without him, and my parents will kill me.
- Why don't you get the fat kid? - Why?
If the fat kid has something implanted in his ass...
...maybe he's a part of the visitors' plan.
Use the fat kid as bait to bring them back.
You're right. Come on, Stan. We have to get Cartman.
Come on, Stan.
Hey, wait. When do I get to make sweet love?
No, Kitty, you can't have any!
No, Kitty, this is my potpie! Bad kitty!
Excuse me, Kitty.
- Eric, look who's here. - Good work, Mom!
- Let's play at the bus stop. - I can't, Mom says...
That's okay. You need to spend time with your friends.
- But I don't want to spend time... - Don't be difficult!
- Now, you go and play in the fun snow. - Goddamn it!
- I have to get home. - Don't be such a fraidy cat.
This rope will make sure they can't take you onboard again.
- This sucks! - How come they aren't coming?
I think we have to signal them somehow.
Hey, he's like Rudolph.
All you have to do is fart and the visitors are sure to come.
Really? I don't think I have to fart anymore tonight.
- Sure, you do. - Come on, fart!
- I don't wanna! - He can't hold it in forever.
- Fart, damn you! - Okay, that does it!
Why is it that everything today has involved things...
...either going in or coming out of my ass?
I'm sick of it! It's completely immature!
It's happening again.
- Whoa, look at that. - Now do you believe us?
You can't scare me. You're making it all up.
There's an 80-foot satellite dish sticking out of your ass!
Sure, you guys, whatever.
Oh, boy, the aliens are going to make first contact.
Hey! Down here! We are ready for your wisdom.
And you only got 20 minutes before Sanford and Son is on!
You guys, I am seriously getting pissed off right now.
I know there's no such thing as aliens!
Oh, goddamn it!
What the...? I tell you, there's crazy stuff going on in this town.
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Come down here, you stinking aliens!
Ask them for your little brother back.
Visitors, you took my brother. He's freckled and looks like a football.
At first I was happy you took him, but I've learned something:
Having a little brother is special.
Heck, I'm just a kid all alone in this crazy world.
If you can find it in your hearts to give my brother back... would make my life brighter again.
That was beautiful.
- Did it work? - No.
You scrawny-assed sh * *! What the f* * * is wrong with you?
You must be some kind of f* * * to ignore a crying child!
You know what you f* * *ing like? You like to f* * *!
Hey, Wendy, what's a f* * *?
Ike, jump down! Now! For the love of God, Ike, jump!
Don't hurt me.
I promise I'll be nice to you from now on.
Don't kick the baby.
What are they talking about?
Ike, do your impersonation of David Caruso's career!
It's my turn.
You guys, get me down from here!
Help! Sons of bitches!
- I'm sure glad that's over with. - Boy, am I glad to see you, Ike!
She's fly at the sky.
Wait! Where are you going, alien visitors? Come back!
Where's this amazing thing you were gonna show us?
It's in the bedroom, ladies. Come on in.
We can make it in time for dinner.
- Thanks for helping. - Whatever.
- Hey, I didn't throw up. - Cool.
- Hey, look, a French fry. - Cool.
- What's that? - It's part of a Cheesy Poof.
- Hey, what's that? - That's a hamburger.
- That's from two days ago! - What about that?
I don't know.
The bus will be here. Cartman's still gone.
We're running out of friends.
I wonder what the visitors gave the cows?
Cows, I got you cornered. Let's see you get away now.
Hey, Cartman.
The visitors dropped you off just in time for school.
- I had a crazy nightmare last night. - Really? What about?
Well, I was standing out in a field.
I had this satellite dish sticking out of my butt...
...and then there were cows and aliens.
Then I went on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.
That wasn't a dream. That happened.
- Right. Why don't I have pinkeye then? - You do have pinkeye!
Son of a bitch!
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Sound of Music The
South Park - Bigger Longer and Uncut
South Park 01x01 - Cartman Gets An Anal Probe
South Park 01x02 - Weight Gain 4000
South Park 01x03 - Volcano
South Park 01x04 - Big Gay Als Big Gay Boatride
South Park 01x05 - An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
South Park 01x06 - Death
South Park 01x07 - Pinkeye
South Park 01x08 - Jesus VS Satan
South Park 01x09 - Starvin Marvin
South Park 01x10 - Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo
South Park 01x11 - Toms Rhinoplasty
South Park 01x12 - Mecha Striesand
South Park 01x13 - Cartmans Mom is a Dirty Slut
Soylent Green 1973
Spacehunter 1983
Spanish Prisoner The CD1
Spanish Prisoner The CD2
Spark the Lighter
Spartacus 2004 CD1
Spartacus 2004 CD2
Spartacus Fixed 1960
Spartan 2004 CD1
Spartan 2004 CD2
Spawn (1997)
Spawn (Directors Cut)
Species 3 CD1
Species 3 CD2
Speed 2 - Cruise Control
Spellbound (Hitchcock 1945)
Spetters 1980
Spider-Man CD1
Spider-Man CD2
Spider (2002)
Spider Man 2 CD1
Spider Man 2 CD2
Spies Like Us 1985
Spirit of the Beehive
Spirited Away CD1
Spirits of the Dead 1968 CD1
Spirits of the Dead 1968 CD2
Spoilers The
Spongebob Squarepants The Movie
Springtime In A Small Town
Spun (Unrated Version)
Spy Game
Spy Hard
Spy Who Came In from the Cold The
Spy Who Loved Me The
Spy Who Shagged Me The - New Line Platinum Series
Spygirl CD1
Spygirl CD2
Square Peg
St Johns Wort - (Otogiriso) 25fps 2001
Stage Beauty 2004
Stage Fright 1950
Stalag 17
Stalker 1979 CD1
Stalker 1979 CD2
Star Trek Generations CD1
Star Trek Generations CD2
Star Wars - Episode II Attack of the Clones
Star Wars - Episode IV A New Hope
Star Wars - Episode I The Phantom Menace
Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD1
Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD2
Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD1
Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD2
Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD1
Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD2
Stargate SG1 1x01 Children of the Gods
Stargate SG1 1x02 The enemy Within
Stargate SG1 1x03 Emancipation
Stargate SG1 1x04 The Broca Divide
Stargate SG1 1x05 The First Commandment
Stargate SG1 1x06 Cold Lazarus
Stargate SG1 1x07 The Nox
Stargate SG1 1x08 Brief Candle
Stargate SG1 1x09 Thors Hammer
Stargate SG1 1x10 The Torment of Tantalus
Stargate SG1 1x11 Bloodlines
Stargate SG1 1x12 Fire and Water
Stargate SG1 1x13 Hathor
Stargate SG1 1x14 Singularity
Stargate SG1 1x15 The Cor AI
Stargate SG1 1x16 Enigma
Stargate SG1 1x17 Solitudes
Stargate SG1 1x18 Tin Man
Stargate SG1 1x19 There but for the Grace of God
Stargate SG1 1x20 Politics
Stargate SG1 1x21 Within the Serpents Grasp
Stargate SG1 2x01 The serpents lair
Stargate SG1 2x02 In the line of duty
Stargate SG1 2x03 Prisoners
Stargate SG1 2x04 The gamekeeper
Stargate SG1 2x05 Need
Stargate SG1 2x06 Thors chariot
Stargate SG1 2x07 Message in a bottle
Stargate SG1 2x08 Family
Stargate SG1 2x09 Secrets
Stargate SG1 2x10 Bane
Stargate SG1 2x11 The tokra part 1
Stargate SG1 2x12 The tokra part 2
Stargate SG1 2x13 Spirits
Stargate SG1 2x14 Touchstone
Stargate SG1 2x15 The fifth race
Stargate SG1 2x16 A matter of time
Stargate SG1 2x17 Holiday
Stargate SG1 2x18 Serpents song
Stargate SG1 2x19 One false step
Stargate SG1 2x20 Show and tell
Stargate SG1 2x21 1969
Stargate SG1 3x01 Into The Fire II
Stargate SG1 3x02 Seth
Stargate SG1 3x03 Fair Game
Stargate SG1 3x04 Legacy
Stargate SG1 3x05 Learning Curve
Stargate SG1 3x06 Point Of View
Stargate SG1 3x07 Deadman Switch
Stargate SG1 3x08 Demons
Stargate SG1 3x09 Rules Of Engagement
Stargate SG1 3x10 Forever In A Day
Stargate SG1 3x11 Past And Present
Stargate SG1 3x12 Jolinars Memories
Stargate SG1 3x13 The Devil You Know
Stargate SG1 3x14 Foothold
Stargate SG1 3x15 Pretense
Stargate SG1 3x16 Urgo
Stargate SG1 3x17 A Hundred Days
Stargate SG1 3x18 Shades Of Grey
Stargate SG1 3x19 New Ground
Stargate SG1 3x20 Maternal Instinct
Stargate SG1 3x21 Crystal Skull
Stargate SG1 3x22 Nemesis
Stargate SG1 4x01 Small Victories
Stargate SG1 4x02 The Other Side
Stargate SG1 4x03 Upgrades
Stargate SG1 4x04 Crossroads
Stargate SG1 4x05 Divide And Conquer
Stargate SG1 4x06 Window Of Opportunity
Stargate SG1 4x07 Watergate
Stargate SG1 4x08 The First Ones
Stargate SG1 4x09 Scorched Earth
Stargate SG1 4x10 Beneath The Surface
Stargate SG1 4x11 Point Of No Return
Stargate SG1 4x12 Tangent
Stargate SG1 4x13 The Curse
Stargate SG1 4x14 The Serpents Venom
Stargate SG1 4x15 Chain Reaction
Stargate SG1 4x16 2010
Stargate SG1 4x17 Absolute Power
Stargate SG1 4x18 The Light
Stargate SG1 4x19 Prodigy
Stargate SG1 4x20 Entity
Stargate SG1 4x21 Double Jeopardy
Stargate SG1 4x22 Exodus
Stargate SG1 5x01 Enemies
Stargate SG1 5x02 Threshold
Stargate SG1 5x03 Ascension
Stargate SG1 5x04 Fifth Man
Stargate SG1 5x05 Red Sky
Stargate SG1 5x06 Rite Of Passage
Stargate SG1 5x07 Beast Of Burden
Stargate SG1 5x08 The Tomb
Stargate SG1 5x09 Between Two Fires
Stargate SG1 5x10 2001
Stargate SG1 5x11 Desperate Measures
Stargate SG1 5x12 Wormhole X-Treme
Stargate SG1 5x13 Proving Ground
Stargate SG1 5x14 48 Hours
Stargate SG1 5x15 Summit
Stargate SG1 5x16 Last Stand
Stargate SG1 5x17 Failsafe
Stargate SG1 5x18 The Warrior
Stargate SG1 5x19 Menace
Stargate SG1 5x20 The Sentinel
Stargate SG1 5x21 Meridian
Stargate SG1 5x22 Revelations
Stargate SG1 6x01 Redemption Part 1
Stargate SG1 6x02 Redemption Part 2
Stargate SG1 6x03 Descent
Stargate SG1 6x04 Frozen
Stargate SG1 6x05 Nightwalkers
Stargate SG1 6x06 Abyss
Stargate SG1 6x07 Shadow Play
Stargate SG1 6x08 The Other Guys
Stargate SG1 6x09 Allegiance
Stargate SG1 6x10 Cure
Stargate SG1 6x11 Prometheus
Stargate SG1 6x12 Unnatural Selection
Stargate SG1 6x13 Sight Unseen
Stargate SG1 6x14 Smoke n Mirrors
Stargate SG1 6x15 Paradise Lost
Stargate SG1 6x16 Metamorphosis
Stargate SG1 6x17 Disclosure
Stargate SG1 6x18 Forsaken
Stargate SG1 6x19 The Changeling
Stargate SG1 6x20 Memento
Stargate SG1 6x21 Prophecy
Stargate SG1 6x22 Full Circle
Stargate SG1 7x01 Fallen
Stargate SG1 7x02 Homecoming
Stargate SG1 7x03 Fragile Balance
Stargate SG1 7x04 Orpheus
Stargate SG1 7x05 Revisions
Stargate SG1 7x06 Lifeboat
Stargate SG1 7x07 Enemy Mine
Stargate SG1 7x08 Space Race
Stargate SG1 7x09 Avenger 2 0
Stargate SG1 7x10 Birthright
Stargate SG1 7x10 Heroes II
Stargate SG1 7x11 Evolution I
Stargate SG1 7x12 Evolution II
Stargate SG1 7x13 Grace
Stargate SG1 7x14 Fallout
Stargate SG1 7x15 Chimera
Stargate SG1 7x16 Death Knell
Stargate SG1 7x17 Heroes I
Stargate SG1 7x19 Resurrection
Stargate SG1 7x20 Inauguration
Stargate SG1 7x21-22 The Lost City I n II
Starship Troopers (Special Edition)
Starship Troopers 2
Story Of A Kiss
Strada La
Strange aventure de Docteur Molyneux
Street Of Love And Hope (Nagisa Oshima 1959)
Street of shame (Akasen chitai)
Streetcar Named Desire A
Style Wars
Suicide Regimen
Sukces 2003
Summer Tale A 2000
Sunday Lunch (2003)
Super 8 Stories
Superman IV - The Quest for Peace
Surviving the Game
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD1
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD2
Sweetest Thing The (Unrated Version)
Swept Away
Swordsman III - The East is Red
Sylvester - Canned Feud (1951)
Sylvester - Speedy Gonzales (1955)
Sylvester and Elmer - Kit for Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Porky - Scaredy Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Tweety - Canary Row (1950)
Sylvester and Tweety - Putty Tat Trouble (1951)
Sylvester and Tweety - Tweetys SOS (1951)