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South Park 01x02 - Weight Gain 4000

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Weight Gain 4000
- Did you see that rainbow this morning? - It was huge.
I hate those things!
- Nobody hates rainbows. - What's there to hate about them?
Well, you'll be minding your business and they'll come marching in...
...and crawl up your leg and bite the inside of your ass.
And you'll be all like, "Hey, get out of my ass, you stupid rainbows!"
- What the hell are you talking about? - Rainbows. I hate those things.
Rainbows are those arches of color that show up when it rains.
Oh, rainbows! Oh, yeah, I like those. Those are cool.
- What were you talking about? - Nothing, forget it.
What crawls up your leg and bites the inside of your ass?
Children, remember the Save Our Fragile Planet essay contest...
...that you worked so hard on last month?
One of our very own South Park students has won the national prize.
Wow, I knew I would win.
- Mr. Garrison, this sure is exciting. - Right, Mr. Hat.
The winner of the national Save Our Fragile Planet contest is:
Eric Cartman.
- What?! - What?!
Congratulations on writing the winning paper.
Kick ass!
Cartman doesn't know a rain forest from a Pop-Tart.
Yeah, I do. Pop-Tarts are frosted.
Out of over a million papers, Eric's was chosen as the winner.
- Wow! What did you write about? - You know, this and that.
- He doesn't know what he wrote. - What was your paper about?
It was on the suffering of bottle-nosed dolphins.
You shouldn't have written about dolphins. Dolphins are stupid.
Dude, dolphins are the second smartest animal on the planet.
Right. If they're so damn smart, how come they get caught in fishing nets?
- What? - Wait, there's more.
It says here that Eric's trophy will be presented to him by...
...Kathie Lee Gifford?
Kathie Lee is coming here?
The presentation will be on television.
Kathie Lee Gifford. I don't believe it.
Kathie Lee Gifford in South Park!
Oh, my God! This is our chance to make a name for ourselves... show we're not some pissant mountain town.
It's a chance for you to get publicity.
If I can show how much I turned South Park around, I could become a senator!
- Maybe even a state senator! - Let's decorate the town square.
We should have the chef of the school sing and show our ethnic diversity.
That's right! He's a black guy, isn't he?
Black as the night.
Yes! And we can have the children of South Park put on a play.
Kathie Lee loves children.
If they're working in a sweatshop, that is.
Thank you.
You guys, guess what?
After I'm on television, I'm gonna be totally famous.
Hitler was famous too.
- Hello, children. - Hey, Chef.
- How are my little crackers? - Good.
Did you hear? Kathie Lee Gifford is coming to South Park!
Because Cartman cheated and won the essay contest.
Yeah, whatever. But the mayor called and asked me to sing at the ceremony.
- Are you gonna do it? - Of course.
Kathie Lee is a beautiful, sultry queen of sexual fantasy.
If I sing to her, maybe I can lure her into a night of exotic delectation.
Yeah, that'd be cool!
Well, three times bigger than Frank Gifford's, anyway.
I can't concentrate on grading papers with all this excitement.
Why are you looking at me like that?
Have you forgotten the pain and suffering Kathie Lee caused you?
Mr. Hat, that was a long time ago, and I was only a child.
We could've won that talent show.
- Knock, knock, Mr. Hat. - Who's there?
- Orange. - Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
Thank you.
Wow, Mr. Hat. Looks like we might win.
And now, our last talent-show finalist...
...Kathie Lee Epstein.
It wasn't fair. She had choreography. How could we compete with that?
But she's coming to South Park, and I know how to make it better.
No, Mr. Hat! I couldn't...
...kill Kathie Lee Gifford.
Children, as you all know, Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford...
...will be here to present the award to some kid for an essay.
- That kid is me! - Whatever.
I'm going to have you luscious youngsters... a play about the history of South Park.
That's wonderful, right, Mr. Hat?
- Kill her! - Mr. Hat!
Mr. Garrison, I'm asking you to direct our play.
That's perfect.
You see, Mr. Hat, we don't have to kill her. We can upstage her.
You might want to review the essays. We think Cartman cheated.
Who cares? Now, kids, what's say we give it our South Park best!
- Who's our little prizewinner again? - Me, Eric Cartman!
How about we get in shape? We want to look our best on TV, don't we?
Yes, ma'am.
I'm gonna be on television I'm gonna be on television
I'm gonna be on television I'm gonna be on television
We don't believe you won that contest fairly, fat boy.
Stop defending your girlfriend for writing about stupid fish.
- Dolphins are intelligent and friendly. - Intelligent and friendly on rye bread.
- Dolphins are smarter than you. - Then why do they live in igloos?
- That's not dolphins. That's Eskimos! - Who cares?
- It's tree-hugging hippie crap. - Tell me what you wrote!
I can't. I have to go home and get in shape!
Yeah, right! You'll go watch TV and eat Cheesy Poofs, ass-master.
Screw you, hippie!
We'll be right back to Jesus and Pals after this.
Need to get in shape fast? Wanna look your best?
Tired of not getting chicks? Tired of being a 90-pound weakling?
Yeah, I only weigh 90 pounds.
Then bulk up quick with Weight Gain 4000!
Over 4000 grams of saturated fat per serving. Its formula is designed... go to the stomach, where it is distributed to the blood!
Now available at stores everywhere.
- Say it with me, "Beefcake!" - Beefcake.
- Beefcake! - Beefcake!
May cause irreversible damage to kidneys and liver.
Mom, can you get me some Weight Gain 4000?
Okay, Eric. I'll get you some tomorrow.
But, Mom, I need it for tomorrow!
But tomorrow is grocery day, Eric.
Okay, okay. Well, I guess I'll be going to the store now, then.
No, no!
Kill her!
No, Mr. Hat, I won't do it.
That does it. You're going in the dresser drawer, Mr. Hat.
- She'll make a fool of you again. - Stay in that drawer, negative Nancy.
Hey, dudes.
What is wrong with you? Haven't you noticed the snow on the ground?
I have a nice body, and I wanna show it off!
- What? You've got to weigh 90 pounds! - I'm up to 94, thank you very much.
Yeah, they're almost as big as his mom's!
Laugh all you want! I'll be the one on TV looking all buff.
- What's that stuff? - Weight Gain 4000. It's bulking me up.
- Bulk up to what? Fat-ass? - Super fat-ass?
Hey, I don't have to take that kind of crap from you scrawny weaklings!
Sweet, check me out. I'm such a beefcake I can't get through the door.
Come on, people. We've got to turn this place around.
Hang up the lights, string up the banners, castrate the cows!
Well, Mr. Garrison, how is the little play going?
Fine. We were just about to run it from the top.
Oh, please do. I'm dying to see it.
All the little pioneers on this side of the stage.
All the little Indians to the center of the stage.
- Am I an Indian or a pioneer? - You have a feather on your head?
- Yes. - Then you're an Indian.
Bebe, this is your line.
This is the story of South Park.
It begins over 1 00 years ago...
...when the noble and hearty Ute Indians lived on the land.
Oh, don't they look adorable?
Then from the East came the great white pioneers.
- Oh, my God! - They did it better this morning.
They had more energy.
The pioneers met with the Indians...
...and negotiated for their fertile lands.
We cannot have our children beating each other in front of Kathie Lee!
What do you want? This is how it happened.
Take that, you stupid Indian!
Mr. Garrison, this is not appropriate!
Do you actually think that Kathie Lee Gifford would enjoy this?
To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!
What have I said?
He said, "To hell with Kathie Lee Gifford!"
Mr. Garrison, I am dismissing you from directing our play.
It happened again, didn't it? Now we do things my way.
I can't kill her, Mr. Hat.
You're gonna have to do it.
- Cartman, talk about wide load. - I'm starting to fill out nicely.
No, you're not. You're fatter than ever!
I'm not fat, I'm getting in shape!
You're such a fat-ass, when you walk around, people go:
"Goddamn, that's a big fat-ass!"
No, they don't, you jealous weakling!
Goddamn, that's a big fat-ass!
- Hi, guys. - Oh, look, another hippie.
- Peace, Wendy. - Shut up, Cartman!
Two little hippies sitting in a tree
I'll find Cartman's paper and get to the bottom of this.
- Can I help you? - Yes. I need a gun.
Would this be for hunting, protection or other?
- Other. - Alrighty then.
May I suggest a Stratford 1 2 mm? Go ahead. Try it on!
That looks nice on you. The lacquered black matches your eyes.
You talking to me? You talking to me?
- I don't know, it's a little small. - Okay. How about this?
You talking to me? I don't like this one either.
Here's the same gun with a wood finish.
You talking to me?!
I don't see anybody else here, so you must be talking to me.
I'll take it.
"My essay, by Eric Cartman.
When I wrote the following pages, or rather the bulk of them...
...I lived alone in the woods on the shore of..."
Mr. Hat, old Kathie Lee really will be surprised when she gets here tomorrow.
She beat us in the talent show all those years ago.
I think we owe her for that.
Oh, my God!
- Howdy, Mr. Garrison. Nice gun. - Thank you.
- Nice gun, Mr. Garrison. - Thanks.
- Hello, Officer Barbrady. - Nice gun.
Is there somewhere in town I can get a good, clear shot...? View of Kathie Lee?
I think the book depository would be a good bet.
That might do quite nicely. Thank you, Officer Barbrady.
No problem.
Caught you red-handed! No pictures of Kathie Lee!
Where is she?
This is sweet. Camera crews are setting up, and I look totally ripped.
- Beefcake. Beefcake! - They won't get all of you in frame.
- Guys, we have to stop him! - Stop who?
Mr. Garrison! He's going to try to kill Kathie Lee Gifford!
No, you don't! You won't ruin my moment of fame.
He's got a gun!
You gotta get over this jealousy thing.
Seriously, just face it. I wrote a better paper than you.
It just so happens that I have your paper, and I know why you won.
There's something more important now.
You've got to prioritize. What's more important:
Being on TV or some stupid assassination?
Stan, I can't do it alone. Please?
We're losing him.
Here she comes!
Damn, I'm not the only one who's thought of killing her.
We love you, Kathie Lee!
We love you too.
Come on, you little bitch.
You've gotta leave your precious bubble sometime.
It is with great pride and honor that I'd like to welcome...
...Mrs. Kathie Lee Gifford to South Park!
And now our very own South Park Elementary chef...
...will sing a special song in honor of Mrs. Lee Gifford!
Thank you, Mr. Mayor.
You know, Kathie Lee, you are a very special woman.
I don't mean special in a Mary Tyler Moore way...
...or special in an extra-value meal at Happy Burger way.
No, no, no. I mean special. Like the song of the hummingbird... it gets ready to find that female hummingbird...
...and make sweet love to it all night long.
Just two hummingbirds moaning and groaning...
...and letting their bodies caress and touch each other in ecstasy.
Thank you, Chef, for that heartwarming song.
Thank you, Chef!
God bless you, Kathie Lee!
Mr. Garrison is about to kill Kathie Lee! We have to find him!
What? You mean the teacher? Wait a minute.
Is there somewhere in town I can get a good, clear shot...? View of Kathie Lee?
I think the book depository would be a good bet.
I think the book depository would be a good bet.
Book depository. Depository.
Damn, he could be anywhere! I'll send out an APB.
Wendy, look!
And now, here to present the award...
...for the environmental essay to our own Eric Kaufman...
Cartman, goddamn it! your favorite celebrity and mine...
...Kathie Lee Gifford!
Thank you. I love you all.
Mr. Garrison! Stop!
Leave us. We must finish what we have begun.
I know she's hurt you. She's hurt a lot of people.
- You can't know. - You should've won that talent show.
It is with honor and pride that I present the winner this trophy.
- Eric, would you please come up here? - Here it is, my big moment of fame.
Then she threw her voice with two dummies at once.
I know that, but this isn't the answer.
It is too late for me, young Wendy.
I've learned something today. You can't win all the time.
If you don't win, you can't hold it against the person who did...
...because that's the only way you ever really lose.
You're right.
She really threw her voice with two dummies?
The bitch must die!
Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! You bastard!
- Gun! - Gun!
Hey, come back! We didn't even get to do our play!
That's it. Wrap it up.
Hey, wait a minute. When do I get to be on television?
Forget it. No Kathie Lee, no public interest.
But I won the environmental essay contest!
You don't deserve to win, Cartman, and you know it!
I'm holding Cartman's paper. It's actually nothing more than Walden...
...with Thoreau's name crossed out and Cartman's name written in its place.
- Who cares? - Kathie Lee Gifford's gone.
What about not holding anything against the winner?
Well, not if it's Cartman.
Hey, where are you all going? They don't even know what Walden is.
I bet if Walden was a sitcom you'd know what it was!
Come on. Kyle's mom will make tuna-fish sandwiches.
What the hell.
No, no! Now I'll be stuck in this Podunk town forever...
...with all these stupid, hick, redneck, jobless, truck-driving idiots!
Mayor, the mike is on.
Thought you could get away with it, Mr. Hat?
I would have, if it weren't for those meddling kids.
You're lucky you missed Kathie Lee and that nobody got hurt.
We hope you can come back to school soon.
I'd love to, but the doctors say Mr. Hat needs more therapy.
We can still get her!
I'm just sorry I ruined everyone's chances for being on TV.
Not Cartman. He gets to be on TV anyway.
Really? On what?
Adiposity. Corpulence.
Whatever word you use, it represents one thing:
Being a big fat-ass.
We have with us via satellite Eric Cartman from South Park...
...who is now so obese, he can't even get out of his house.
When is this gonna be on the air?
Is there anything you'd like to say to the people?
Follow your dreams.
You can reach your goals. I'm living proof.
Beefcake. Beefcake!
He needs to run his ass around the block.
How about more of that good loving?
Damn! I gave you sweet loving five minutes ago!
You trying to kill me?
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Soldier CD1
Soldier CD2
Soldiers Story A (Norman Jewison 1984)
Solomon and Sheba CD1
Solomon and Sheba CD2
Sombre 25fps 1998
Some Kind of Monster CD1
Some Kind of Monster CD2
Someone Special
Something The Lord Made CD1
Something The Lord Made CD2
Somethings Gotta Give CD1
Somethings Gotta Give CD2
Son In Law
Son The
Song of the South
Sophies Choice
Sorority boys
Sose me
Soul Guardians The (1998) CD1
Soul Guardians The (1998) CD2
Soul Keeper The (2003)
Soul Plane
Soul Survivors
Sound of Music The
South Park - Bigger Longer and Uncut
South Park 01x01 - Cartman Gets An Anal Probe
South Park 01x02 - Weight Gain 4000
South Park 01x03 - Volcano
South Park 01x04 - Big Gay Als Big Gay Boatride
South Park 01x05 - An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
South Park 01x06 - Death
South Park 01x07 - Pinkeye
South Park 01x08 - Jesus VS Satan
South Park 01x09 - Starvin Marvin
South Park 01x10 - Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo
South Park 01x11 - Toms Rhinoplasty
South Park 01x12 - Mecha Striesand
South Park 01x13 - Cartmans Mom is a Dirty Slut
Soylent Green 1973
Spacehunter 1983
Spanish Prisoner The CD1
Spanish Prisoner The CD2
Spark the Lighter
Spartacus 2004 CD1
Spartacus 2004 CD2
Spartacus Fixed 1960
Spartan 2004 CD1
Spartan 2004 CD2
Spawn (1997)
Spawn (Directors Cut)
Species 3 CD1
Species 3 CD2
Speed 2 - Cruise Control
Spellbound (Hitchcock 1945)
Spetters 1980
Spider-Man CD1
Spider-Man CD2
Spider (2002)
Spider Man 2 CD1
Spider Man 2 CD2
Spies Like Us 1985
Spirit of the Beehive
Spirited Away CD1
Spirits of the Dead 1968 CD1
Spirits of the Dead 1968 CD2
Spoilers The
Spongebob Squarepants The Movie
Springtime In A Small Town
Spun (Unrated Version)
Spy Game
Spy Hard
Spy Who Came In from the Cold The
Spy Who Loved Me The
Spy Who Shagged Me The - New Line Platinum Series
Spygirl CD1
Spygirl CD2
Square Peg
St Johns Wort - (Otogiriso) 25fps 2001
Stage Beauty 2004
Stage Fright 1950
Stalag 17
Stalker 1979 CD1
Stalker 1979 CD2
Star Trek Generations CD1
Star Trek Generations CD2
Star Wars - Episode II Attack of the Clones
Star Wars - Episode IV A New Hope
Star Wars - Episode I The Phantom Menace
Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD1
Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD2
Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD1
Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD2
Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD1
Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD2
Stargate SG1 1x01 Children of the Gods
Stargate SG1 1x02 The enemy Within
Stargate SG1 1x03 Emancipation
Stargate SG1 1x04 The Broca Divide
Stargate SG1 1x05 The First Commandment
Stargate SG1 1x06 Cold Lazarus
Stargate SG1 1x07 The Nox
Stargate SG1 1x08 Brief Candle
Stargate SG1 1x09 Thors Hammer
Stargate SG1 1x10 The Torment of Tantalus
Stargate SG1 1x11 Bloodlines
Stargate SG1 1x12 Fire and Water
Stargate SG1 1x13 Hathor
Stargate SG1 1x14 Singularity
Stargate SG1 1x15 The Cor AI
Stargate SG1 1x16 Enigma
Stargate SG1 1x17 Solitudes
Stargate SG1 1x18 Tin Man
Stargate SG1 1x19 There but for the Grace of God
Stargate SG1 1x20 Politics
Stargate SG1 1x21 Within the Serpents Grasp
Stargate SG1 2x01 The serpents lair
Stargate SG1 2x02 In the line of duty
Stargate SG1 2x03 Prisoners
Stargate SG1 2x04 The gamekeeper
Stargate SG1 2x05 Need
Stargate SG1 2x06 Thors chariot
Stargate SG1 2x07 Message in a bottle
Stargate SG1 2x08 Family
Stargate SG1 2x09 Secrets
Stargate SG1 2x10 Bane
Stargate SG1 2x11 The tokra part 1
Stargate SG1 2x12 The tokra part 2
Stargate SG1 2x13 Spirits
Stargate SG1 2x14 Touchstone
Stargate SG1 2x15 The fifth race
Stargate SG1 2x16 A matter of time
Stargate SG1 2x17 Holiday
Stargate SG1 2x18 Serpents song
Stargate SG1 2x19 One false step
Stargate SG1 2x20 Show and tell
Stargate SG1 2x21 1969
Stargate SG1 3x01 Into The Fire II
Stargate SG1 3x02 Seth
Stargate SG1 3x03 Fair Game
Stargate SG1 3x04 Legacy
Stargate SG1 3x05 Learning Curve
Stargate SG1 3x06 Point Of View
Stargate SG1 3x07 Deadman Switch
Stargate SG1 3x08 Demons
Stargate SG1 3x09 Rules Of Engagement
Stargate SG1 3x10 Forever In A Day
Stargate SG1 3x11 Past And Present
Stargate SG1 3x12 Jolinars Memories
Stargate SG1 3x13 The Devil You Know
Stargate SG1 3x14 Foothold
Stargate SG1 3x15 Pretense
Stargate SG1 3x16 Urgo
Stargate SG1 3x17 A Hundred Days
Stargate SG1 3x18 Shades Of Grey
Stargate SG1 3x19 New Ground
Stargate SG1 3x20 Maternal Instinct
Stargate SG1 3x21 Crystal Skull
Stargate SG1 3x22 Nemesis
Stargate SG1 4x01 Small Victories
Stargate SG1 4x02 The Other Side
Stargate SG1 4x03 Upgrades
Stargate SG1 4x04 Crossroads
Stargate SG1 4x05 Divide And Conquer
Stargate SG1 4x06 Window Of Opportunity
Stargate SG1 4x07 Watergate
Stargate SG1 4x08 The First Ones
Stargate SG1 4x09 Scorched Earth
Stargate SG1 4x10 Beneath The Surface
Stargate SG1 4x11 Point Of No Return
Stargate SG1 4x12 Tangent
Stargate SG1 4x13 The Curse
Stargate SG1 4x14 The Serpents Venom
Stargate SG1 4x15 Chain Reaction
Stargate SG1 4x16 2010
Stargate SG1 4x17 Absolute Power
Stargate SG1 4x18 The Light
Stargate SG1 4x19 Prodigy
Stargate SG1 4x20 Entity
Stargate SG1 4x21 Double Jeopardy
Stargate SG1 4x22 Exodus
Stargate SG1 5x01 Enemies
Stargate SG1 5x02 Threshold
Stargate SG1 5x03 Ascension
Stargate SG1 5x04 Fifth Man
Stargate SG1 5x05 Red Sky
Stargate SG1 5x06 Rite Of Passage
Stargate SG1 5x07 Beast Of Burden
Stargate SG1 5x08 The Tomb
Stargate SG1 5x09 Between Two Fires
Stargate SG1 5x10 2001
Stargate SG1 5x11 Desperate Measures
Stargate SG1 5x12 Wormhole X-Treme
Stargate SG1 5x13 Proving Ground
Stargate SG1 5x14 48 Hours
Stargate SG1 5x15 Summit
Stargate SG1 5x16 Last Stand
Stargate SG1 5x17 Failsafe
Stargate SG1 5x18 The Warrior
Stargate SG1 5x19 Menace
Stargate SG1 5x20 The Sentinel
Stargate SG1 5x21 Meridian
Stargate SG1 5x22 Revelations
Stargate SG1 6x01 Redemption Part 1
Stargate SG1 6x02 Redemption Part 2
Stargate SG1 6x03 Descent
Stargate SG1 6x04 Frozen
Stargate SG1 6x05 Nightwalkers
Stargate SG1 6x06 Abyss
Stargate SG1 6x07 Shadow Play
Stargate SG1 6x08 The Other Guys
Stargate SG1 6x09 Allegiance
Stargate SG1 6x10 Cure
Stargate SG1 6x11 Prometheus
Stargate SG1 6x12 Unnatural Selection
Stargate SG1 6x13 Sight Unseen
Stargate SG1 6x14 Smoke n Mirrors
Stargate SG1 6x15 Paradise Lost
Stargate SG1 6x16 Metamorphosis
Stargate SG1 6x17 Disclosure
Stargate SG1 6x18 Forsaken
Stargate SG1 6x19 The Changeling
Stargate SG1 6x20 Memento
Stargate SG1 6x21 Prophecy
Stargate SG1 6x22 Full Circle
Stargate SG1 7x01 Fallen
Stargate SG1 7x02 Homecoming
Stargate SG1 7x03 Fragile Balance
Stargate SG1 7x04 Orpheus
Stargate SG1 7x05 Revisions
Stargate SG1 7x06 Lifeboat
Stargate SG1 7x07 Enemy Mine
Stargate SG1 7x08 Space Race
Stargate SG1 7x09 Avenger 2 0
Stargate SG1 7x10 Birthright
Stargate SG1 7x10 Heroes II
Stargate SG1 7x11 Evolution I
Stargate SG1 7x12 Evolution II
Stargate SG1 7x13 Grace
Stargate SG1 7x14 Fallout
Stargate SG1 7x15 Chimera
Stargate SG1 7x16 Death Knell
Stargate SG1 7x17 Heroes I
Stargate SG1 7x19 Resurrection
Stargate SG1 7x20 Inauguration
Stargate SG1 7x21-22 The Lost City I n II
Starship Troopers (Special Edition)
Starship Troopers 2
Story Of A Kiss
Strada La
Strange aventure de Docteur Molyneux
Street Of Love And Hope (Nagisa Oshima 1959)
Street of shame (Akasen chitai)
Streetcar Named Desire A
Style Wars
Suicide Regimen
Sukces 2003
Summer Tale A 2000
Sunday Lunch (2003)
Super 8 Stories
Superman IV - The Quest for Peace
Surviving the Game
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD1
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD2
Sweetest Thing The (Unrated Version)
Swept Away
Swordsman III - The East is Red
Sylvester - Canned Feud (1951)
Sylvester - Speedy Gonzales (1955)
Sylvester and Elmer - Kit for Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Porky - Scaredy Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Tweety - Canary Row (1950)
Sylvester and Tweety - Putty Tat Trouble (1951)
Sylvester and Tweety - Tweetys SOS (1951)