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South Park 01x08 - Jesus VS Satan

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Here you go, Kyle. Here's yours, Stan.
- What is this? - Invitations to my birthday party.
Your mom's giving you a big party again?
That's right.
Kick-ass! Cartman's mom throws the best parties!
- That's right. - Lf my mom could cook like her...
...I'd be a big fat-ass too. - That's ri... Hey!
- Eric, I didn't get an invitation. - Really? Gosh...
...where could I have put Pip's invitation? Let's see...
Pip's invitation, Pip's invitation... I remember.
I shoved it up my ass! I wrote it out...
...put it in an envelope and shoved it right up my ass...
...ruining any chance you had of coming to my party. Sorry, old chap.
Here's yours, Wendy, and here's yours, Clay.
- Children, today is a very special day. - My birthday isn't until Saturday.
I'm not talking about your birthday. We have a new student joining us today.
Some of you know what it's like to be the new kid.
So take special care to make him feel welcome.
I want you all to meet our new classmate...
- What's your name again? - Damien.
Say hi to Damien.
- Where are you from? - The Seventh Layer of Hell.
Oh, my mother was from Alabama.
My arrival denotes the beginning of the end.
- The reign of my father. - Your father?
- The Prince of Darkness. - We have royalty in our class.
Take your seat.
We'll finish learning about singers of the baroque era.
Children, Nancy Sinatra was a choice piece of ass...
New kid, want an invitation to my birthday party?
Here begins pain. The new domination...
Psych! I wasn't gonna give you an invitation.
Hey, who cut your hair, Stevie Wonder?
- Whoa! - Damn, what a freak!
- I had a Poofy Pie in that desk! - Feel the wrath of the fallen angel.
The plague of blight is upon thee!
Do you need to sit in time-out for a minute?
You got in trouble. You got in trouble.
Cartman, how come my invitation...
...says "Green Mega Man"? - Mine says "Red Mega Man."
- That's what you're supposed to get me. - Dude!
- You don't tell people what to get you. - That's weak.
It's very simple.
Green Mega Man goes with Red and Yellow... make Ultra Mega Mega Man.
You need all three or it won't work.
I'll get you what I want.
Maybe you don't want any of my mom's cake, pie and ice cream, then.
Green Mega Man it is.
Now, Kenny, you are to get me Yellow Mega Man.
That's because Yellow Mega Man is the cheapest and your family's poor.
- What are you doing? - You can't sit with us, weirdo.
Infidels! I will turn you all into beasts of burden!
Go find another table, new kid.
Anyway, Kenny, Yellow Mega Man is only $8.95.
So your mom can put it on layaway and make payments.
Hello. I'm Phillip. They call me Pip because they hate me.
- Then I'll call you Pip. - Right-o.
Hey, new kid.
Kenny says he saw your mom drop you off this morning, and she's a real dog.
That does it!
What the...?
- He made Kenny a duck-billed platypus! - A what?
Turn him back. He has to buy the Yellow Mega Man.
- Hello there. - Hey, Chef.
- How's it going? - Bad.
- Why bad? - The new kid's a total weirdo freak.
Children, you shouldn't not like somebody...
...just because they're different. Let me sing you a little song.
- What were we talking about? - The new kid.
Death to the holy. The wrath of the fallen angels now waits for you all!
- Whoa! - That is one fudged-up little cracker.
We told you.
We've got to do something, children!
He's tearing my cafeteria apart.
Bring me Jesus!
My wrath shall continue until I speak with Jesus!
- Jesus? - Jesus?
- Two minutes to air, Jesus. - Thanks, Roland. Blessed art thou.
- Jesus! - I only do autographs after the show.
There's a big problem. Some new kid showed up...
...and Chef thinks he's evil. - Look what he did to Kenny.
Wow. That's pretty heavy.
He keeps throwing things around...
...saying stuff about his "Dark Prince father."
- The Dark Prince? - Yeah.
So it was written. The cycle of years brings the Son of Evil.
He's talking like the new kid.
Thou must taketh me to Satan's seed... mine eyes can confirm the wretched truth.
Five minutes until recess is over, you little bastards.
Now, as you can see, Red Mega Man uses the Mega-Cycle.
Which is what Clyde will be getting me.
Wendy, you were supposed to get me the Mega Power Chopper.
But I'm changing that to Yellow Mega Man...
...since Kenny was turned into a duck-billed platypus.
That means that the Mega Man Beach House...
...will be given by two people...
Our slide!
Feel my wrath!
You shouldn't be so upset. I know it's hard, but they'll accept you someday.
I don't need it. I'm the son of Satan.
I know what it's like not to have friends.
You should speak to the counselor. He helps me.
- Damien! - Son of stench. Ruler of the weak.
So it is thou. Son of Lucifer!
Your time here is short. Soon, my father comes.
Let him come. I shall stop him.
Behold, he is already upon us.
Oh, dude!
What the hell's going on?
It's that guy from the public access show.
- What's happening? - Come over here if you're scared.
I'll protect you. Not you, damn it!
Jesus, my father says he chooses you. He calls you out.
Be here at this time tomorrow to discuss the terms.
Let the final battle between good and evil be fought...
...right here in South Park!
Come on, Ned. Let's get to the bookie!
- You're gonna fight Satan? - It has been ordained from the start.
My children, this is the most crucial and serious time of all history.
Who will win? Jesus or the Prince of Darkness?
The final battle between good and evil, only on pay-per-view.
Jesus vs. Satan, live from South Park on Saturday!
Only $49.95.
Wait a minute. Saturday's my party! They can't have the fight on Saturday!
Do we go to the fight or Cartman's birthday?
We can't miss the apocalyptic battle.
Guys, my mom's getting a Ferris wheel.
We have to at least see the weigh-in.
Who decided it had to be on Saturday? This is a plot against me, isn't it?
- When is Satan gonna show up? - Did he show up yet?
- Not yet. - Hey, Jesus, if you win...
...can you turn Kenny back to normal?
What the hell do you mean, "if"?
- Don't mind him. He's Jewish. - Oh.
We're all with you, Jesus. We put all our money on you.
Thank you for your faith...
...but I don't think you understand.
You're gonna kick his ass, Jesus.
Behold, the Evil One approaches.
Holy poop on a stick!
Puny son of Jehovah.
Prepare to enter thy house of pain.
Holy crap, dude. Satan is huge!
Now, that is a man who's eaten a lot of beef.
Son of God, I will smash thy face into small little bits.
- Oh. Oh, yeah? - Damn!
I have such delightful horrors to unleash upon thee.
Oh, yeah?
Satan weighs in at 320 pounds, 4 ounces.
Jesus Christ weighs in at 1 35 pounds, 1 ounce.
Oh, crap.
I weigh more than that!
Let the new prince be decided on Saturday.
First South Park, then the world.
Well, I think I'II...
- I think I left the oven on. - I think I left your oven on too.
See you Saturday, Jesus. Good luck.
- Change my bet! - Mine on the Devil!
- I want to change my bet to Satan. - Me too.
I was here first.
As your counselor...
...I want you to feel like you can tell me anything, okay?
Being new can be tough. But I'm your friend, m'kay?
- Everybody hates me. - Well, why do you suppose that is?
- Because I'm the son of the Devil? - That's good, why else?
Because I burn them and kill them?
Well, maybe that's it.
What you need to do, Damien, is to be overly nice.
No matter how mean the other kids are, just don't retaliate.
Be passive, okay?
That's what I taught Pip. Just look how much the other kids like him now.
- I bet I can spit the most on him. - Oh, yeah? I bet I can spit in his hair.
A little higher and you've got it.
Recess sucks without any slides or nothing.
Here comes the unholy butthole now.
Thanks for burning everything, you little bitch.
I apologize for that and turning your friend into a platypus.
I was doing my father's bidding. I didn't have a choice.
Oh, excuse me, new kid.
I didn't mean to fart on you. I didn't have a choice.
You smell like a fart, new kid.
- We're gonna call you "Fartboy" now. - Bye-bye, Fartboy.
- How are you, Damien? - They farted on me and called me...
Fartboy? Perhaps they won't call me that anymore.
Excuse me. I just talked to the bookie.
I have been forsaken!
It seems that several bets were changed to Satan.
In fact, it seems that only one person is still betting on me.
You should all be ashamed of yourselves.
Betting against your lord and savior. I am disgusted!
You changed your bet. You forsaked me too.
Oh, right, well. He has a few hundred pounds on you, Jesus.
I implore you. Don't bet on the Dark One. You will never win.
I'm sorry I have sinned against you. I'm gonna go to the bookie...
...and change my bet right now. - Yeah, me too.
Praise the lord!
Thank you, sweet Jesus, for showing us the light!
See you later.
Does he think we're crazy?
You're all a bunch of Judases.
- Hey, Jesus. - Why are you out so late?
We have to find Mega Mans for Cartman.
Oh. Kids, you believe I can beat Satan, right?
- Sure. You're the son of God. - Are you having doubts?
No, no. But could you help me train a little?
Satan, what will the outcome of the fight be?
I will crush him like a little bug.
Satan, what about your involvement in the Gulf War?
Let's focus on the fight. I'm sick of these rumors about my fighters.
"He's a dirty fighter." "He causes all the world's violence and death."
It's just getting old. Let everything be decided in the ring.
Shouldn't you be out shopping for my presents?
- Drink these raw eggs, Jesus. - No way.
I can't hit Jesus Christ. My mother would never speak to me again.
- You're his sparring partner. - You have to.
Satan must be defeated. Please help me train.
Okay. But I'm just gonna tap you, all right?
- Give it your best shot... - Oh, God in heaven!
- What have I done? - Anybody get the number of that truck?
Come on, kiddies. Eat more.
Welcome, Clyde. Presents on the table to your left.
Welcome, Bebe. Presents go to your left.
- Welcome, Chef. - Yup. Here's your present.
Well, nice party, see you later.
- You just got here, Chef. - But the fight is starting.
Dude, check it out. Cartman's mom made chili.
That's my favorite kind of chili.
- I guess all the kids are at that party. - It's always a huge event.
Sometimes I sneak up to the fence and pretend I'm there.
The other kids have always hated you?
They make fun of the fat boy too.
Now I think they like him because he picks on me.
In the blue corner, wearing white trunks...
...weighing in at a mere 1 40 pounds...
...Jesús "El Savior" Christ.
And in the very, very black corner...
...wearing very, very black trunks...
...the king of all that is evil...
Ladies and gentlemen...
...let's get ready to rumble!
I want a clean fight. No punches below the belt, holding or miracles.
- What are you doing here? - You weren't invited, new kid.
- Neither were you, Pip. - I tried to tell Damien, but...
Wait a minute. I want to do something special for your party.
- Wow. - Whoa, that was cool!
- You're not such a bad guy, Damien. - Come on in and join the party.
Come on, you little wuss, fight!
Throw a punch.
I wonder what Stan got me for my birthday.
Look, a Blue Mega Man! Thank you, Stan. You may eat pie, cake and ice cream.
And what did Wendy get me? Oh, it's the Yellow Mega Man!
Have some pie, cake and ice cream.
Oh, look what Kyle got me. It's a Red...
Ants in the Pants? Ants in the...?
Ants in the Pants?!
- It's a game, dude. It's fun! - You son of a bitch!
I told you Red Mega Man! Now I can't make Ultra Mega Mega Man.
- You piece of crap! - They were all out!
I hate you! I want you to die!
That's it! Party is over!
Everybody go home!
Get the hell out, I said! Party's over, get out, goddamn it!
- You need to mellow out. - Take your game with you!
- That kid has real emotional problems. - He does this all the time.
Come on. We can still catch the end of the fight.
What a splendid party.
Fight, damn it.
Dude, Jesus is getting his butt kicked. You've got to fight, Jesus.
Why? What's the point?
No one believes in me. Everyone bet on Satan.
My father and the town forsaked me. I'm completely forsook.
Someone bet on you. One person still has money on you.
It doesn't matter. He's too strong. I give up.
Snap out of it, Jesus!
What would Nancy Kerrigan do? Not give up.
When it looked the darkest, she fought to be the best.
- She wouldn't stop until she won. - Stan?
- She wouldn't take second. - Stan.
- She wanted the gold. - Stan!
- What?! - She got silver, dude.
She was second.
- Really? - Yeah, dude.
Never mind, Jesus. Nancy Kerrigan sucks.
Somebody once said, "Don't try to be a great man, just be a man."
Who said that?
You did, Jesus.
You're right, Stan. Thank you, boys.
- Was that in the Bible? - I saw it on Star Trek.
Come on, sissy. Hit me. Hit me!
Okay, pal. You asked for it.
Oh, you got me.
One, two, three...
- No way, he barely touched him., eight, nine, ten.
You're out!
Our savior!
Winner by knockout...
...and still undisputed ruler of your spiritual kingdom...
...Jesús "El Savior" Christ.
- Hey, he isn't hurt. He threw the fight! - Yeah!
Fools. You are all fools.
Of course I took a dive. Don't you see?
Who do you think was the one person that bet on Jesus to win?
Me, you idiots.
Now I'll take your money, return to Hell much richer and buy some real estate.
- I don't believe this! - What a mean thing to do.
Farewell, fools.
That guy is a jerk.
- Jesus told you not to bet on Satan. - Boy, did we get screwed.
Jesus, we're sorry. Can you ever forgive us?
Aw, heck. Do I have a choice?
Well, Jesus, I definitely learned my lesson.
Never bet on evil, because when you do... Ned, look!
A rare duck-billed platypus! It's coming right for us!
- Oh, my God. They killed Kenny! - You bastard!
Goodbye, guys. It was nice meeting you.
- You're leaving? - I have to.
My dad's always on the move.
- Wow, I feel kind of bad for that kid. - Just when he fit in he has to leave.
Parents are so cruel. Don't they know a child needs security most of all?
More pie, hon?
No more pie.
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Soldier CD2
Soldiers Story A (Norman Jewison 1984)
Solomon and Sheba CD1
Solomon and Sheba CD2
Sombre 25fps 1998
Some Kind of Monster CD1
Some Kind of Monster CD2
Someone Special
Something The Lord Made CD1
Something The Lord Made CD2
Somethings Gotta Give CD1
Somethings Gotta Give CD2
Son In Law
Son The
Song of the South
Sophies Choice
Sorority boys
Sose me
Soul Guardians The (1998) CD1
Soul Guardians The (1998) CD2
Soul Keeper The (2003)
Soul Plane
Soul Survivors
Sound of Music The
South Park - Bigger Longer and Uncut
South Park 01x01 - Cartman Gets An Anal Probe
South Park 01x02 - Weight Gain 4000
South Park 01x03 - Volcano
South Park 01x04 - Big Gay Als Big Gay Boatride
South Park 01x05 - An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
South Park 01x06 - Death
South Park 01x07 - Pinkeye
South Park 01x08 - Jesus VS Satan
South Park 01x09 - Starvin Marvin
South Park 01x10 - Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo
South Park 01x11 - Toms Rhinoplasty
South Park 01x12 - Mecha Striesand
South Park 01x13 - Cartmans Mom is a Dirty Slut
Soylent Green 1973
Spacehunter 1983
Spanish Prisoner The CD1
Spanish Prisoner The CD2
Spark the Lighter
Spartacus 2004 CD1
Spartacus 2004 CD2
Spartacus Fixed 1960
Spartan 2004 CD1
Spartan 2004 CD2
Spawn (1997)
Spawn (Directors Cut)
Species 3 CD1
Species 3 CD2
Speed 2 - Cruise Control
Spellbound (Hitchcock 1945)
Spetters 1980
Spider-Man CD1
Spider-Man CD2
Spider (2002)
Spider Man 2 CD1
Spider Man 2 CD2
Spies Like Us 1985
Spirit of the Beehive
Spirited Away CD1
Spirits of the Dead 1968 CD1
Spirits of the Dead 1968 CD2
Spoilers The
Spongebob Squarepants The Movie
Springtime In A Small Town
Spun (Unrated Version)
Spy Game
Spy Hard
Spy Who Came In from the Cold The
Spy Who Loved Me The
Spy Who Shagged Me The - New Line Platinum Series
Spygirl CD1
Spygirl CD2
Square Peg
St Johns Wort - (Otogiriso) 25fps 2001
Stage Beauty 2004
Stage Fright 1950
Stalag 17
Stalker 1979 CD1
Stalker 1979 CD2
Star Trek Generations CD1
Star Trek Generations CD2
Star Wars - Episode II Attack of the Clones
Star Wars - Episode IV A New Hope
Star Wars - Episode I The Phantom Menace
Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD1
Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD2
Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD1
Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD2
Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD1
Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD2
Stargate SG1 1x01 Children of the Gods
Stargate SG1 1x02 The enemy Within
Stargate SG1 1x03 Emancipation
Stargate SG1 1x04 The Broca Divide
Stargate SG1 1x05 The First Commandment
Stargate SG1 1x06 Cold Lazarus
Stargate SG1 1x07 The Nox
Stargate SG1 1x08 Brief Candle
Stargate SG1 1x09 Thors Hammer
Stargate SG1 1x10 The Torment of Tantalus
Stargate SG1 1x11 Bloodlines
Stargate SG1 1x12 Fire and Water
Stargate SG1 1x13 Hathor
Stargate SG1 1x14 Singularity
Stargate SG1 1x15 The Cor AI
Stargate SG1 1x16 Enigma
Stargate SG1 1x17 Solitudes
Stargate SG1 1x18 Tin Man
Stargate SG1 1x19 There but for the Grace of God
Stargate SG1 1x20 Politics
Stargate SG1 1x21 Within the Serpents Grasp
Stargate SG1 2x01 The serpents lair
Stargate SG1 2x02 In the line of duty
Stargate SG1 2x03 Prisoners
Stargate SG1 2x04 The gamekeeper
Stargate SG1 2x05 Need
Stargate SG1 2x06 Thors chariot
Stargate SG1 2x07 Message in a bottle
Stargate SG1 2x08 Family
Stargate SG1 2x09 Secrets
Stargate SG1 2x10 Bane
Stargate SG1 2x11 The tokra part 1
Stargate SG1 2x12 The tokra part 2
Stargate SG1 2x13 Spirits
Stargate SG1 2x14 Touchstone
Stargate SG1 2x15 The fifth race
Stargate SG1 2x16 A matter of time
Stargate SG1 2x17 Holiday
Stargate SG1 2x18 Serpents song
Stargate SG1 2x19 One false step
Stargate SG1 2x20 Show and tell
Stargate SG1 2x21 1969
Stargate SG1 3x01 Into The Fire II
Stargate SG1 3x02 Seth
Stargate SG1 3x03 Fair Game
Stargate SG1 3x04 Legacy
Stargate SG1 3x05 Learning Curve
Stargate SG1 3x06 Point Of View
Stargate SG1 3x07 Deadman Switch
Stargate SG1 3x08 Demons
Stargate SG1 3x09 Rules Of Engagement
Stargate SG1 3x10 Forever In A Day
Stargate SG1 3x11 Past And Present
Stargate SG1 3x12 Jolinars Memories
Stargate SG1 3x13 The Devil You Know
Stargate SG1 3x14 Foothold
Stargate SG1 3x15 Pretense
Stargate SG1 3x16 Urgo
Stargate SG1 3x17 A Hundred Days
Stargate SG1 3x18 Shades Of Grey
Stargate SG1 3x19 New Ground
Stargate SG1 3x20 Maternal Instinct
Stargate SG1 3x21 Crystal Skull
Stargate SG1 3x22 Nemesis
Stargate SG1 4x01 Small Victories
Stargate SG1 4x02 The Other Side
Stargate SG1 4x03 Upgrades
Stargate SG1 4x04 Crossroads
Stargate SG1 4x05 Divide And Conquer
Stargate SG1 4x06 Window Of Opportunity
Stargate SG1 4x07 Watergate
Stargate SG1 4x08 The First Ones
Stargate SG1 4x09 Scorched Earth
Stargate SG1 4x10 Beneath The Surface
Stargate SG1 4x11 Point Of No Return
Stargate SG1 4x12 Tangent
Stargate SG1 4x13 The Curse
Stargate SG1 4x14 The Serpents Venom
Stargate SG1 4x15 Chain Reaction
Stargate SG1 4x16 2010
Stargate SG1 4x17 Absolute Power
Stargate SG1 4x18 The Light
Stargate SG1 4x19 Prodigy
Stargate SG1 4x20 Entity
Stargate SG1 4x21 Double Jeopardy
Stargate SG1 4x22 Exodus
Stargate SG1 5x01 Enemies
Stargate SG1 5x02 Threshold
Stargate SG1 5x03 Ascension
Stargate SG1 5x04 Fifth Man
Stargate SG1 5x05 Red Sky
Stargate SG1 5x06 Rite Of Passage
Stargate SG1 5x07 Beast Of Burden
Stargate SG1 5x08 The Tomb
Stargate SG1 5x09 Between Two Fires
Stargate SG1 5x10 2001
Stargate SG1 5x11 Desperate Measures
Stargate SG1 5x12 Wormhole X-Treme
Stargate SG1 5x13 Proving Ground
Stargate SG1 5x14 48 Hours
Stargate SG1 5x15 Summit
Stargate SG1 5x16 Last Stand
Stargate SG1 5x17 Failsafe
Stargate SG1 5x18 The Warrior
Stargate SG1 5x19 Menace
Stargate SG1 5x20 The Sentinel
Stargate SG1 5x21 Meridian
Stargate SG1 5x22 Revelations
Stargate SG1 6x01 Redemption Part 1
Stargate SG1 6x02 Redemption Part 2
Stargate SG1 6x03 Descent
Stargate SG1 6x04 Frozen
Stargate SG1 6x05 Nightwalkers
Stargate SG1 6x06 Abyss
Stargate SG1 6x07 Shadow Play
Stargate SG1 6x08 The Other Guys
Stargate SG1 6x09 Allegiance
Stargate SG1 6x10 Cure
Stargate SG1 6x11 Prometheus
Stargate SG1 6x12 Unnatural Selection
Stargate SG1 6x13 Sight Unseen
Stargate SG1 6x14 Smoke n Mirrors
Stargate SG1 6x15 Paradise Lost
Stargate SG1 6x16 Metamorphosis
Stargate SG1 6x17 Disclosure
Stargate SG1 6x18 Forsaken
Stargate SG1 6x19 The Changeling
Stargate SG1 6x20 Memento
Stargate SG1 6x21 Prophecy
Stargate SG1 6x22 Full Circle
Stargate SG1 7x01 Fallen
Stargate SG1 7x02 Homecoming
Stargate SG1 7x03 Fragile Balance
Stargate SG1 7x04 Orpheus
Stargate SG1 7x05 Revisions
Stargate SG1 7x06 Lifeboat
Stargate SG1 7x07 Enemy Mine
Stargate SG1 7x08 Space Race
Stargate SG1 7x09 Avenger 2 0
Stargate SG1 7x10 Birthright
Stargate SG1 7x10 Heroes II
Stargate SG1 7x11 Evolution I
Stargate SG1 7x12 Evolution II
Stargate SG1 7x13 Grace
Stargate SG1 7x14 Fallout
Stargate SG1 7x15 Chimera
Stargate SG1 7x16 Death Knell
Stargate SG1 7x17 Heroes I
Stargate SG1 7x19 Resurrection
Stargate SG1 7x20 Inauguration
Stargate SG1 7x21-22 The Lost City I n II
Starship Troopers (Special Edition)
Starship Troopers 2
Story Of A Kiss
Strada La
Strange aventure de Docteur Molyneux
Street Of Love And Hope (Nagisa Oshima 1959)
Street of shame (Akasen chitai)
Streetcar Named Desire A
Style Wars
Suicide Regimen
Sukces 2003
Summer Tale A 2000
Sunday Lunch (2003)
Super 8 Stories
Superman IV - The Quest for Peace
Surviving the Game
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD1
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD2
Sweetest Thing The (Unrated Version)
Swept Away
Swordsman III - The East is Red
Sylvester - Canned Feud (1951)
Sylvester - Speedy Gonzales (1955)
Sylvester and Elmer - Kit for Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Porky - Scaredy Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Tweety - Canary Row (1950)
Sylvester and Tweety - Putty Tat Trouble (1951)
Sylvester and Tweety - Tweetys SOS (1951)