South Park 01x10 - Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo
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Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo
There were shepherds abiding in the field, watching over their flock.
The Lord's angel came upon them, and they were afraid. He said:
"Fear not. I bring tidings of joy. For born today in the city of David...
...is the savior, Jesus Christ. Glory to God and good will towards men."
And now, South Park Elementary presents The Birth of Jesus.
Come on, Mary, push!
I can see its head!
It's a boy!
Wait a minute. Wait.
Kyle, you need to hold the baby by the legs not the head.
- What kind of sick weirdo are you? - Sorry.
And Wendy, I'm still not believing the labor pains.
Mr. Garrison, what the hell do you think you're doing?
I'm trying to direct the school Christmas play...
...but your son was holding baby Jesus fetus by the head.
How dare you include the Nativity in a school play! My son is Jewish!
So what makes you think he should play Joseph?
- Because it's Christmas. - Our family doesn't celebrate Christmas!
You're not gonna lay that Channukah crap on me, are you?
What? You won't get away with this!
- Kyle's mom's here to ruin Christmas. - Shut up, fat boy!
- I'm not fat. I'm festively plump. - Why are you Jewish on Christmas?
Kyle, is there anything you can do for the play that isn't Jesus-related?
How about the dreidel song, bubee?
- I can sing "The Mr. Hankey Song." - How does that go?
- "Christmas poo"? - What's "Christmas poo"?
Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo. Haven't you heard of it?
Kyle, that is enough!
That's what you get for raising a pagan.
That does it! I'm going straight to the mayor about you!
Wait, I'm sorry. Was it the pagan remark?
You guys, look.
- Christmas snow. - Try to catch flakes on your tongue.
Hey! Jewish people can't eat Christmas snow.
- We can too. - It's against the law.
- Officer Barbrady? - What?
Is it illegal for Jews to eat Christmas snow?
- Yes. - Damn it!
We have to go tell Santa Claus what we want.
Bye, Kyle. There's no reason for you to come...
...since you don't get Christmas gifts. - I get Channukah gifts for eight days.
Too bad it's usually a dreidel or something lame.
We'll catch you later, Kyle.
Wait! I may not have Santa, but I do have Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo.
- What's this about Christmas poo? - Mr. Hankey.
He comes out of the toilet and gives gifts to people with high-fiber diets.
You are really reaching right now.
You'll be sorry when I ride on Santa's sleigh with Mr. Hankey.
You won't ride on Santa's sleigh, because you're a Jew.
See ya, dude.
Okay, everybody, settle down.
We are deeply offended by the Nativity scene in front of the capital office.
Church and state are separate.
- What's going on? - The whole town's pissed off.
That isn't all, mayor. The school play is doing a Nativity scene.
It isn't being sensitive to the Jewish community.
You are the Jewish community.
- Super-bitch is at it again. - Don't call my mom a bitch.
The Nativity is what Christmas is about. If you remove Christ...
...you must remove Santa, Frosty and all that garbage too.
And we must stop cutting down Christmas trees.
I'm sick of those flaps on coffee lids.
If you don't want to spill coffee, don't drive with it.
Okay, people. Clearly, we need to reach a compromise.
Perhaps we need a new icon for Christmas.
Hey, how about Mr. Hankey the Christmas Poo?
- Excuse me? - Oh, boy. Here we go again.
He comes out of the toilet...
...and gives gifts to everybody who eats fiber.
It's true. He doesn't care what faith you are.
Don't mind him. He's a very disturbed little boy.
- Kyle, we're leaving right now. - Wait.
Anyway, I'll put together a crack team of my best workers...
...so this will be a non-offensive Christmas...
...to any religious or minority group. Any other suggestions?
- Yes, Mr. Garrison? - Could we get rid of all the Mexicans?
No, Mr. Garrison, we cannot get rid of all the Mexicans.
It's disgusting, and we will not have it.
- Your father's right, Kyle. - Let me handle this.
Having imaginary friends is fine, but this won't do!
Listen to your father.
I want you to repeat after me, "There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey."
- But, Dad, he... - Say it!
- There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey. - Again.
- There is no such thing as Mr. Hankey. - It's for your own good.
Now go to bed. You won't be opening your Channukah gift tonight.
- Probably a stupid dreidel, anyway. - What did you say?
I said, Ike's on fire.
Oh, my God!
It isn't fair. I don't wanna be an outcast.
- I'm not hearing that. - Hello?
- Gosh, you're looking swell. - Go away.
You know something, pal? You smell an awful lot like flowers.
- My dad says you aren't real. - Not real?
Well, shucks, if I weren't real, could I sing this jolly Christmas song?
I'll get in trouble.
- What are you doing? - Nothing.
Open the door!
Mr. Hankey, come here.
Say something, Mr. Hankey.
Get to sleep and think about how your mother has to clean that bathroom.
- Howdy-ho! - Mr. Hankey, where the hell did you go?
You should be wearing socks to sleep. You'll catch a cold.
Nobody believes in you, not even my friends.
That's too bad.
Come to school with me so I can prove I'm not crazy.
Say, that sounds like a swell idea.
We can show everyone the spirit of Christmas.
Yeah, we'll show them.
We've got to turn this place around. Take down anything that's offensive...
...to any specific group.
Is mistletoe offensive?
Is anyone offended by mistletoe?
Lose the mistletoe.
I'm getting that John Elway helmet for Christmas.
- How do you know? - It's in my parents' closet.
I sneaked around my mom's closet and saw what I'm getting:
- The Ultra Vibe Pleasure 2000. - What's that?
- I don't know, but it sounds sweet. - Hello, everybody.
- What's in the box? - A surprise.
- Let me see. - Okay. Don't scare him.
Is this some kind of Jewish tradition?
Wait, you guys, he's alive.
- You better go home and get some sleep. - Dance!
Dance! Dance, damn you!
I'm going to say words, and the computer will measure...
...how offended you are. We can find out which words are least offensive...
...for use in the holiday season. Ready?
Here we go.
- Do you have to take the tree too? - Mayor's orders.
Okay, I'm having a hard time with our Christmas play.
We can't sing songs having to do with Jesus or Santa Claus.
- Thanks to Kyle's mom. - Shut up!
Anybody know any non-Santa or non-Jesus Christmas songs?
- Yes, Eric? - How about we sing:
- "Kyle's Mom is a Stupid Bitch" in D? - I said not to call my mom a bitch!
Shut up, Cartman!
- Howdy-ho! - Mr. Hankey.
Golly, that isn't very nice. I'd sure like to teach him a lesson.
Mr. Hankey, no.
- What the...? - Gross, Kyle!
Kyle, did you just throw doo-doo at Eric?
You sick bastard!
Now, Kyle, as your school counselor...
...I want to help you confront your problem, m'kay?
- I don't have a problem. - It's my understanding...
...that you have an acute case of fecalphilia.
A fecalphiliac is somebody who's obsessed with mookie-stinks, Kyle.
- I also understand that you're Jewish. - Well, not on purpose.
This must be a pretty hard time of year for you.
- Do kids make fun of you? - Sometimes.
- That must make you mad. - Sure.
Mad enough to kill, Kyle?
- No, dude! - That's good.
Sometimes we feel like an outsider. We create friends in our minds, m'kay?
Mr. Hankey seems so real.
Of course he does. In your screwed up head, he's the only friend you have.
You're nuttier than Chinese chicken salad, m'kay?
You're one screwed-up little kid. You understand?
Try and stay positive. Stay away from drugs and alcohol. In the meantime...
...I'm putting you on a heavy regimen of Prozac.
Oh, my God, you sick little monkey!
Children, we've just received word from the mayor...
...that the play can't include any Christmas lights...
...since they offend people with epilepsy.
Kenny, please go over and pull the light cords out of the wall.
Careful now, Kenny. Those are very, very dangerous.
- Now let's practice our... - No! Get away from me.
- Just look more closely at it. - No! Go away!
Stan, you need to do something about your friend.
Get him out of here before he hurts anybody.
We need to commit our friend Kyle.
- Reason? - I'm a clinically-depressed fecalphiliac.
- Any allergies? - No.
Bye, Kyle. Happy Channukah.
Okay, children, does everyone have their leotards on?
Good. It looks like they've taken the trees down.
There's nothing Christian either. This should be great.
This could be such a wonderful play. I wish Kyle was here to see it.
Second verse, same as the first.
- Welcome to the South Park... - Wait. There's a star above the stage.
- That's offensive to non-Christians. - Oh, come on.
- Hey! Don't push your beliefs on me. - I agree.
Kenny, climb the ladder and take down the star above the stage.
Be careful not to fall in the pool below you.
The shark for the third act is in there.
Welcome to the South Park Elementary Holiday Experience.
Before we start, here's a non-offensive...
...non-denominational song by the school chef.
Doesn't seem right without Kyle.
Well, old Kyle's gonna be locked up for a while. Get used to it.
- Get ready to take your places. - Thank you, Chef.
Now, South Park Elementary presents...
...the non-offensive, non-denominational Christmas play...
...with music and lyrics by New York minimalist composer, Philip Glass.
As I turn and look into the sun...
...the rays burn my eyes.
How like a turtle, the sun looks.
What the hell is this?
This is horrible.
This is the most God-awful piece of crap I've ever seen.
You made it this way.
- The Jews didn't want it Christian. - We didn't take out Santa.
All you bastards ruined Christmas.
- Get him in the ribs. - Tree-hugger!
- This is the worst Christmas ever. - Yeah.
- We committed him. - What? Why?
He kept seeing this brown piece of Christmas poo everywhere.
Christmas Poo? You mean Mr. Hankey.
- Say, kids, why the long faces? - We're bored.
- There's nothing to do. - Maybe this will help.
A Mr. Hankey Construction Set!
Now you can make your own Mr. Hankey. Just use the fecal fishing net...
...and select your best Mr. Hankey. - That one.
Then use the Hankey stand to add eyes, mouth and hats.
I made a mariachi Mr. Hankey.
Now it's a Mrs. Hankey.
- Let's put the fez hat on him. - I wish Daddy were still alive.
The set comes with everything seen here.
Where's Mr. Hankey?
- I love you, sweetheart. - I love you too.
This is horrible. All of this because we didn't believe in Mr. Hankey.
You can believe in him now.
I believe in Mr. Hankey.
Howdy, folks. Gosh, you sure do smell nice and flowery.
Howdy-ho, Mr. Hankey.
That does it. Screw you guys, I'm going home.
- I draw the line at talking poo. - What's all the ruckus?
The whole town is about to kill each other.
I reckon this could be a job for Mr. Hankey.
Oh, my God. What the hell is that thing?
Come on, gang, don't fight.
You people focus so hard on the things wrong with Christmas...
...that you've forgotten what's right about it.
Don't you see? This is the one time of year...
...we're supposed to forget the bad stuff.
Stop worrying and being sad about the state of the world...
...and for just one day say, "The heck with it."
"Let's sing and dance and bake cookies."
Dude, this is pretty f* * * ed up.
- Oh, no. I'm not sane yet. - I brought some friends with me.
Merry Christmas, Kyle Broflovski!
You can see him? I'm not crazy?
Well, I've got a long night ahead of me.
Bye-bye. Merry Christmas.
Goodbye. Bring me lots of gifts. I always believed in you.
Howdy-ho, ho, ho!
I learned something today. Jewish people are okay.
And Channukah can be cool too.
It seems like something's still not right.
Yeah, something feels unfinished.
What could it be?
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Stargate SG1 3x05 Learning Curve
Stargate SG1 3x06 Point Of View
Stargate SG1 3x07 Deadman Switch
Stargate SG1 3x08 Demons
Stargate SG1 3x09 Rules Of Engagement
Stargate SG1 3x10 Forever In A Day
Stargate SG1 3x11 Past And Present
Stargate SG1 3x12 Jolinars Memories
Stargate SG1 3x13 The Devil You Know
Stargate SG1 3x14 Foothold
Stargate SG1 3x15 Pretense
Stargate SG1 3x16 Urgo
Stargate SG1 3x17 A Hundred Days
Stargate SG1 3x18 Shades Of Grey
Stargate SG1 3x19 New Ground
Stargate SG1 3x20 Maternal Instinct
Stargate SG1 3x21 Crystal Skull
Stargate SG1 3x22 Nemesis
Stargate SG1 4x01 Small Victories
Stargate SG1 4x02 The Other Side
Stargate SG1 4x03 Upgrades
Stargate SG1 4x04 Crossroads
Stargate SG1 4x05 Divide And Conquer
Stargate SG1 4x06 Window Of Opportunity
Stargate SG1 4x07 Watergate
Stargate SG1 4x08 The First Ones
Stargate SG1 4x09 Scorched Earth
Stargate SG1 4x10 Beneath The Surface
Stargate SG1 4x11 Point Of No Return
Stargate SG1 4x12 Tangent
Stargate SG1 4x13 The Curse
Stargate SG1 4x14 The Serpents Venom
Stargate SG1 4x15 Chain Reaction
Stargate SG1 4x16 2010
Stargate SG1 4x17 Absolute Power
Stargate SG1 4x18 The Light
Stargate SG1 4x19 Prodigy
Stargate SG1 4x20 Entity
Stargate SG1 4x21 Double Jeopardy
Stargate SG1 4x22 Exodus
Stargate SG1 5x01 Enemies
Stargate SG1 5x02 Threshold
Stargate SG1 5x03 Ascension
Stargate SG1 5x04 Fifth Man
Stargate SG1 5x05 Red Sky
Stargate SG1 5x06 Rite Of Passage
Stargate SG1 5x07 Beast Of Burden
Stargate SG1 5x08 The Tomb
Stargate SG1 5x09 Between Two Fires
Stargate SG1 5x10 2001
Stargate SG1 5x11 Desperate Measures
Stargate SG1 5x12 Wormhole X-Treme
Stargate SG1 5x13 Proving Ground
Stargate SG1 5x14 48 Hours
Stargate SG1 5x15 Summit
Stargate SG1 5x16 Last Stand
Stargate SG1 5x17 Failsafe
Stargate SG1 5x18 The Warrior
Stargate SG1 5x19 Menace
Stargate SG1 5x20 The Sentinel
Stargate SG1 5x21 Meridian
Stargate SG1 5x22 Revelations
Stargate SG1 6x01 Redemption Part 1
Stargate SG1 6x02 Redemption Part 2
Stargate SG1 6x03 Descent
Stargate SG1 6x04 Frozen
Stargate SG1 6x05 Nightwalkers
Stargate SG1 6x06 Abyss
Stargate SG1 6x07 Shadow Play
Stargate SG1 6x08 The Other Guys
Stargate SG1 6x09 Allegiance
Stargate SG1 6x10 Cure
Stargate SG1 6x11 Prometheus
Stargate SG1 6x12 Unnatural Selection
Stargate SG1 6x13 Sight Unseen
Stargate SG1 6x14 Smoke n Mirrors
Stargate SG1 6x15 Paradise Lost
Stargate SG1 6x16 Metamorphosis
Stargate SG1 6x17 Disclosure
Stargate SG1 6x18 Forsaken
Stargate SG1 6x19 The Changeling
Stargate SG1 6x20 Memento
Stargate SG1 6x21 Prophecy
Stargate SG1 6x22 Full Circle
Stargate SG1 7x01 Fallen
Stargate SG1 7x02 Homecoming
Stargate SG1 7x03 Fragile Balance
Stargate SG1 7x04 Orpheus
Stargate SG1 7x05 Revisions
Stargate SG1 7x06 Lifeboat
Stargate SG1 7x07 Enemy Mine
Stargate SG1 7x08 Space Race
Stargate SG1 7x09 Avenger 2 0
Stargate SG1 7x10 Birthright
Stargate SG1 7x10 Heroes II
Stargate SG1 7x11 Evolution I
Stargate SG1 7x12 Evolution II
Stargate SG1 7x13 Grace
Stargate SG1 7x14 Fallout
Stargate SG1 7x15 Chimera
Stargate SG1 7x16 Death Knell
Stargate SG1 7x17 Heroes I
Stargate SG1 7x19 Resurrection
Stargate SG1 7x20 Inauguration
Stargate SG1 7x21-22 The Lost City I n II
Starship Troopers (Special Edition)
Starship Troopers 2
Story Of A Kiss
Strange aventure de Docteur Molyneux
Street Of Love And Hope (Nagisa Oshima 1959)
Street of shame (Akasen chitai)
Streetcar Named Desire A
Summer Tale A 2000
Sunday Lunch (2003)
Super 8 Stories
Superman IV - The Quest for Peace
Surviving the Game
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD1
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD2
Sweetest Thing The (Unrated Version)
Swordsman III - The East is Red
Sylvester - Canned Feud (1951)
Sylvester - Speedy Gonzales (1955)
Sylvester and Elmer - Kit for Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Porky - Scaredy Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Tweety - Canary Row (1950)
Sylvester and Tweety - Putty Tat Trouble (1951)
Sylvester and Tweety - Tweetys SOS (1951)