South Park 01x11 - Toms Rhinoplasty
- Stan, it's almost Valentine's Day. - I know.
- We should go on a cruise. - I can't afford a cruise.
We can make a little boat out of cardboard and pretend it's a cruise.
Shut up, Cartman.
That is so lame!
Then we could dress up in costumes and pretend we're getting married.
Stop this. You're killing me!
Children, I have some difficult news.
Mr. Garrison won't be teaching for a while. He has to have surgery.
So you're going to have a substitute teacher.
I want you to show the substitute the same respect you show Mr. Garrison.
- Yes, little boy? - We don't respect Mr. Garrison.
Anyhoo, I want you all to meet your new substitute, Miss Ellen.
Wow, she's pretty.
You can say that again.
Good luck. If they get out of control, just use this tear gas.
Thank you. I'm sure I'll be fine.
I know you must be very upset about your teacher having surgery.
But I'll try to make things as easy as possible for all of us.
Now let me try and learn your names.
- You are Eric Cartman? - Yes, ma'am!
Okay, and you must be Stan Marsh.
Do you need to go to the nurse?
- No, he pukes when he's in love. - I'll kick your ass!
So you're all right?
You had waffles for breakfast.
I'm embarrassed about getting a nose job, Tom.
I told the people at school I had herpes.
Mr. Garrison, people have cosmetic surgery all the time.
This computer can help you pick what kind of nose you want.
- Isn't that amazing, Mr. Hat? - It sure is, Mr. Garrison.
We could go with something smaller, which would make you look like this:
Or we could straighten out the bridge, like this:
- That's not bad. - We could narrow the bridge...
...which would make you look more like this:
- That's it, that's the nose I want! - Alrighty then.
Now, I must warn you, there are risks.
You could wind up a hideous creature, forced to live in the sewers...
...only emerging at night to hunt for scraps of food.
- I can live with that. - Then let's get started.
- She was looking at me, not you. - How could she help it, fat-ass?
- She was checking me out. - Until you puked on her.
Hello, children. What's all this about a new teacher?
- Miss Ellen. She's beautiful. - Is she Vanessa Williams beautiful...
...or Toni Braxton beautiful? Or Pamela Anderson beautiful?
Or is she Erin Gray of Buck Rogers beautiful?
- Yeah, that one. - I gotta meet this woman.
Didn't you notice how her left arm is longer than the right one?
- No. - Well, it is!
You know what they say about women with one arm longer than the other.
Did you notice that mole on her neck with hair growing out of it?
That's okay. You know what they say about women with moles on their necks.
- We're still valentines, right? - Sure, whatever.
- We should buy Miss Ellen presents. - We'll go to the mall tonight.
I'm gonna buy her a vacuum cleaner. Chicks love vacuum cleaners.
Goodness. Would anybody mind cleaning my erasers?
Me, me, me!
You're so immature! Act like 8-year-olds.
- Stan, how about you? - I'd love to.
Now, let's review our multiplication tables.
- Cartman? - What's a multiplication table?
Didn't Mr. Garrison teach multiplication?
Where did he leave off?
We were learning about how Yasmine Bleeth is dating Richard Grieco...
...that guy who used to be on 2 1 Jump Street.
- Hello. - Can I help you?
- I'm Chef. - And...?
I stopped by because Kyle forgot his detergent on the playground.
- My detergent? - That's not...
Crazy cracker's always leaving detergent.
- What was your name? - Chef's moving in on Miss Ellen.
- I'm the substitute. - Well, there's no substitute for you.
That's very nice, Mr. Chef. Now, if you're finished...
We've got to learn that.
That was enthralling. Could I get back to teaching?
- Lf we could have dinner tonight. - Fine, just let me do my job.
- Chef's gonna make love to Miss Ellen! - What?
- Mr. Garrison? Mr. Garrison? - Where am I?
- The operation is over, Mr. Garrison. - I feel weak. How do I look?
- You look great. - I feel kind of nauseous.
That's to be expected. We did major reconstruction...
...sawed through some bone, snapped some cartilage.
All the blood and mucus, the sound of bone and sinew coming apart...
By the way, did you ever see that movie Contact?
- Stop! That movie was terrible! - I'm sorry, Mr. Garrison.
Why don't you get some rest? I'll check on you a little later.
I waited through that movie to see the alien, and it was her father!
Remember your homework. We have a lot of catching up.
- Goodbye, Miss Ellen. - Stop kissing ass.
- I'm not kissing ass, you slut! - Miss Ellen, can I talk to you?
Of course, Wendy.
I couldn't help but notice you've taken a liking to my boyfriend, Stan.
I've taken a liking to all of you. You're all so cute and full of life.
- Can I tell you something, Miss Ellen? - Of course, Wendy.
- Don't f* * * with me! - What?
Stay away from my man, bitch...
...or I'll whup your sorry ass back to last year!
Bye, Miss Ellen!
I want to thank all you children for the presents you bought me.
What a delightful scarf! Thank you, Kyle.
- Loser gift, loser gift. - And here's one from Kenny.
Thank you very much, Kenny. This is a very scrumptious-Iooking sausage.
And what a nice alarm clock! Thank you, Stan.
And here's another present, from Wendy.
Why, it's a dead animal. Thank you, Wendy.
- She liked mine the best. - Where's yours, Cartman?
I got Miss Ellen a chocolate pie, but I left it at home.
Okay, kids, we're gonna take a spelling test now.
But as an extra incentive...
...I'm gonna take whoever gets the highest score to dinner.
- I wish I knew how to spell. - Are there any questions?
- Yes, Wendy? - When someone gets as old as you...
...do they have to wear Depend undergarments?
I aced that test. I'm gonna win that dinner.
No, you're not.
- Hi, Stan. - I bet I scored 1 00.
- Hi, Stan! - Oh, hi, Wendy.
Miss Ellen was just in the bathroom taking the biggest dump I've ever seen.
- No, she wasn't. - She was!
- That's impossible. - And she has horrible gas too.
She says she can't control it.
It smelled like a dead calf rotting in the hot sun.
Wendy, you need to stop with this jealousy thing.
- Yeah, you're acting like a freak. - No, I'm not acting like a freak!
Someone's gotta pull that monkey out of her ass.
- Hello there. - Hey, Chef.
- How did your date go? - Not too good.
- Didn't you make sweet love to her? - No, she's not like that.
How do I put this?
Miss Ellen doesn't exactly play for the right team.
In other words, children...
...she's not a member of the heterosexual persuasion.
- Understand? She's a lesbian. - A what-bian?
- A plebeian? - You don't know what a lesbian is?
- No, explain it to us, Chef. - That's okay.
All you need to know is Miss Ellen's a lesbian...
...and she only likes other lesbians.
Now move along, children.
Weak! She only likes lesbians?
If she only likes other lesbians, then we gotta become lesbians too.
My grandma was Dutch-Irish and my grandpa was lesbian.
- I'm a quarter lesbian. - You're just saying that.
- You're not a lesbian. - I am too!
- Okay, only a few more bandages to go. - Well?
Take a look for yourself.
Wow, that's a pretty good nose job. What do you think, Mr. Hat?
I think it looks great.
And without the swelling, you'll really notice.
- What the hell are you doing? - My mom said lesbians lick carpet.
- Really? - I got an Indiglo Girls CD.
- The record store guy said to get it. - I got these killer Birkenstocks.
I've been licking carpet for 3 hours, and I don't feel like a lesbian!
- Hi, Mrs. Kimball. - Howdy, Mr. Garrison.
Say, honey, you look kind of different.
- Really? - Did you get a haircut?
No, but thanks for asking.
Call me. I'm in the book.
Having a nose job is better than I thought.
A whole world of opportunity is opening up.
- Thanks for coming. - That's okay.
I brought my makeup kit. What are we doing?
That substitute won't stop until she takes everything from me.
- Really? - What I'd like to do...
...is load her into a rocket and have her shot into the sun.
Instead, I'll just get Stan to notice me.
- Bebe, I need a makeover. - Cool.
Wait until she sees what a lesbian I am.
- I'm a bigger lesbian. - You're a fatter lesbian.
- Screw you guys, I'm king lesbian. - Is that Wendy Testaburger?
Hi, what's up?
Wendy looks like that chick from Grease, Elton John.
- Wow. Hi, Wendy. - Hi, Stan.
- I think it worked, Bebe. - Yeah.
- Good morning, children. - Wow!
Wendy, you wore black leather too.
- We're like sisters. - Die!
I finished grading your papers.
- The person with the highest score is... - Hello there, children.
- Oh, no, Mr. Garrison's back. - Weak!
Hooray! Hooray for Mr. Garrison! He's back. Mr. Garrison is back!
So long, don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
I have a very important announcement. I'm quitting my job as a teacher.
- What? - Suddenly I feel really confident.
I've decided to quit and do what I've always dreamed of:
- Hang out and screw hot chicks. - You can't.
The good new is, I've talked to Principal Victoria...
...and Miss Ellen can stay on as your permanent teacher.
- Really? - That's right. Will you stay?
- Well, sure. - No! No!
And the person who scored highest on the quiz...
...and gets to have dinner on me is Stan.
- Kick-ass. - No! No!
Wendy, we just got a call in the office. Your grandma just died.
My, what an exciting day.
- You're looking great. - I'm a lady-killer, Mr. Hat.
- You can say that again, Mr. Garrison. - Just a few hundred more shots.
- A few hundred? - That's the life of a model, baby.
- I'm gonna need some more smack. - You got it!
I'm very glad we could have dinner. I really care about your education.
- Are we making love now? - Excuse me?
There's no fireplace. We shouldn't be making love yet.
Chef says you have to make love by the fire.
I'm your teacher. We're only friends.
- But why? - First of all, you're 8.
- It's because I'm not a lesbian. - Oh, boy.
It's over. I give up.
Boy, Mr. Hat, being hot and sexy is fun for a while, but it does get boring.
You can say that again, Mr. Garrison.
Whoa! Hey, wait, wait!
Mr. Hat, save yourself!
- How'd it go? - Did you make love?
- I think so. - No way!
Down by the fire?
- Did I what? - Good morning, children.
- Miss Ellen, can I talk to you? - Can it wait till after class?
No, I have to apologize for the way I've been acting.
- That's okay, Wendy. - No, it's not.
Since you're staying, I hope we can be friends.
- Well, I would love that, Wendy. - And I want to apologize to everybody.
The way I acted was wrong, and I've learned from it.
I just wish Stan and Miss Ellen all the happiness in the world.
- There's nothing between me and Stan. - That's not what we just heard.
Mr. Hat, I hate this. I wish I'd never had a nose job.
Damn this beautiful face of mine. Damn it to hell!
We have to get the surgery again, Mr. Hat. I wanna be the old me again.
Okay, let's catch up on our cursive handwriting.
- Down! Down! Everybody down! - What the hell?
- So we meet again, Miss Ellen. - Just what is going on here?
I am Hakeem Kurashki of the nation of Iraq.
- She is a traitor. - It's a lie!
She has killed thousands and will kill again.
- Miss Ellen, is this true? - No!
We must take her back to Iraq!
- Cool! - Principal Victoria, please.
Here is Miss Ellen and our leader. Her name is Makesh Alaq Makarakesh.
Well, you certainly tried to put one over on us, boy howdy.
- Take her away! - No, get away from me!
- Oh, my God, she killed Kenny! - You bastard!
Wow, what incredible irony.
I can't believe she was a criminal Iraqi fugitive.
- Yeah, you just never know. - I guess I'm sorry I was ignoring you.
Happy Valentine's Day, Stan.
- Sorry. - No, it's okay, Stan.
- Everything's okay. - Are you still trying to be a lesbian?
My mom says all I have to do is chow on this box.
For crimes against this country, you are to be shot into the sun.
This is all a mistake. This can't be happening.
- Please, for the love of God! - Shut up!
Great party, Wendy.
Thanks, Mrs. Kimball. Thanks for getting Mr. Garrison back.
- Anything for you, sugar pie. - Hi, Kyle.
- This whole outcome is pretty strange. - Excuse me.
How was Miss Ellen suddenly arrested for...?
It's time to whip out the eclipse shoeboxes!
- Bye-bye, Miss Ellen. - Wendy, you didn't!
I told her...
...don't f* * * with Wendy Testaburger!
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Stargate SG1 2x10 Bane
Stargate SG1 2x11 The tokra part 1
Stargate SG1 2x12 The tokra part 2
Stargate SG1 2x13 Spirits
Stargate SG1 2x14 Touchstone
Stargate SG1 2x15 The fifth race
Stargate SG1 2x16 A matter of time
Stargate SG1 2x17 Holiday
Stargate SG1 2x18 Serpents song
Stargate SG1 2x19 One false step
Stargate SG1 2x20 Show and tell
Stargate SG1 2x21 1969
Stargate SG1 3x01 Into The Fire II
Stargate SG1 3x02 Seth
Stargate SG1 3x03 Fair Game
Stargate SG1 3x04 Legacy
Stargate SG1 3x05 Learning Curve
Stargate SG1 3x06 Point Of View
Stargate SG1 3x07 Deadman Switch
Stargate SG1 3x08 Demons
Stargate SG1 3x09 Rules Of Engagement
Stargate SG1 3x10 Forever In A Day
Stargate SG1 3x11 Past And Present
Stargate SG1 3x12 Jolinars Memories
Stargate SG1 3x13 The Devil You Know
Stargate SG1 3x14 Foothold
Stargate SG1 3x15 Pretense
Stargate SG1 3x16 Urgo
Stargate SG1 3x17 A Hundred Days
Stargate SG1 3x18 Shades Of Grey
Stargate SG1 3x19 New Ground
Stargate SG1 3x20 Maternal Instinct
Stargate SG1 3x21 Crystal Skull
Stargate SG1 3x22 Nemesis
Stargate SG1 4x01 Small Victories
Stargate SG1 4x02 The Other Side
Stargate SG1 4x03 Upgrades
Stargate SG1 4x04 Crossroads
Stargate SG1 4x05 Divide And Conquer
Stargate SG1 4x06 Window Of Opportunity
Stargate SG1 4x07 Watergate
Stargate SG1 4x08 The First Ones
Stargate SG1 4x09 Scorched Earth
Stargate SG1 4x10 Beneath The Surface
Stargate SG1 4x11 Point Of No Return
Stargate SG1 4x12 Tangent
Stargate SG1 4x13 The Curse
Stargate SG1 4x14 The Serpents Venom
Stargate SG1 4x15 Chain Reaction
Stargate SG1 4x16 2010
Stargate SG1 4x17 Absolute Power
Stargate SG1 4x18 The Light
Stargate SG1 4x19 Prodigy
Stargate SG1 4x20 Entity
Stargate SG1 4x21 Double Jeopardy
Stargate SG1 4x22 Exodus
Stargate SG1 5x01 Enemies
Stargate SG1 5x02 Threshold
Stargate SG1 5x03 Ascension
Stargate SG1 5x04 Fifth Man
Stargate SG1 5x05 Red Sky
Stargate SG1 5x06 Rite Of Passage
Stargate SG1 5x07 Beast Of Burden
Stargate SG1 5x08 The Tomb
Stargate SG1 5x09 Between Two Fires
Stargate SG1 5x10 2001
Stargate SG1 5x11 Desperate Measures
Stargate SG1 5x12 Wormhole X-Treme
Stargate SG1 5x13 Proving Ground
Stargate SG1 5x14 48 Hours
Stargate SG1 5x15 Summit
Stargate SG1 5x16 Last Stand
Stargate SG1 5x17 Failsafe
Stargate SG1 5x18 The Warrior
Stargate SG1 5x19 Menace
Stargate SG1 5x20 The Sentinel
Stargate SG1 5x21 Meridian
Stargate SG1 5x22 Revelations
Stargate SG1 6x01 Redemption Part 1
Stargate SG1 6x02 Redemption Part 2
Stargate SG1 6x03 Descent
Stargate SG1 6x04 Frozen
Stargate SG1 6x05 Nightwalkers
Stargate SG1 6x06 Abyss
Stargate SG1 6x07 Shadow Play
Stargate SG1 6x08 The Other Guys
Stargate SG1 6x09 Allegiance
Stargate SG1 6x10 Cure
Stargate SG1 6x11 Prometheus
Stargate SG1 6x12 Unnatural Selection
Stargate SG1 6x13 Sight Unseen
Stargate SG1 6x14 Smoke n Mirrors
Stargate SG1 6x15 Paradise Lost
Stargate SG1 6x16 Metamorphosis
Stargate SG1 6x17 Disclosure
Stargate SG1 6x18 Forsaken
Stargate SG1 6x19 The Changeling
Stargate SG1 6x20 Memento
Stargate SG1 6x21 Prophecy
Stargate SG1 6x22 Full Circle
Stargate SG1 7x01 Fallen
Stargate SG1 7x02 Homecoming
Stargate SG1 7x03 Fragile Balance
Stargate SG1 7x04 Orpheus
Stargate SG1 7x05 Revisions
Stargate SG1 7x06 Lifeboat
Stargate SG1 7x07 Enemy Mine
Stargate SG1 7x08 Space Race
Stargate SG1 7x09 Avenger 2 0
Stargate SG1 7x10 Birthright
Stargate SG1 7x10 Heroes II
Stargate SG1 7x11 Evolution I
Stargate SG1 7x12 Evolution II
Stargate SG1 7x13 Grace
Stargate SG1 7x14 Fallout
Stargate SG1 7x15 Chimera
Stargate SG1 7x16 Death Knell
Stargate SG1 7x17 Heroes I
Stargate SG1 7x19 Resurrection
Stargate SG1 7x20 Inauguration
Stargate SG1 7x21-22 The Lost City I n II
Starship Troopers (Special Edition)
Starship Troopers 2
Story Of A Kiss
Strange aventure de Docteur Molyneux
Street Of Love And Hope (Nagisa Oshima 1959)
Street of shame (Akasen chitai)
Streetcar Named Desire A
Summer Tale A 2000
Sunday Lunch (2003)
Super 8 Stories
Superman IV - The Quest for Peace
Surviving the Game
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD1
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD2
Sweetest Thing The (Unrated Version)
Swordsman III - The East is Red
Sylvester - Canned Feud (1951)
Sylvester - Speedy Gonzales (1955)
Sylvester and Elmer - Kit for Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Porky - Scaredy Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Tweety - Canary Row (1950)
Sylvester and Tweety - Putty Tat Trouble (1951)
Sylvester and Tweety - Tweetys SOS (1951)