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South Park 01x13 - Cartmans Mom is a Dirty Slut

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Cartman's Mom is a Dirty Slut
Cartman's not showing up for school.
Yeah, this is the third day in a row. I wonder what's wrong.
- Yeah. - Hey, maybe we should go check on him.
- Come on, we're running late. - We're not getting on, you ugly bitch.
What did you say?!
I said, we're not getting on, you ugly bitch.
Oh, all right then.
- Whoa, dude. - I always wondered if that would work.
- Hello, boys. - We were wondering why fat ass...
- I mean Cartman, isn't at school. - He's under the weather.
Maybe you boys can cheer him up.
- He's in the back yard. - In the back yard?
Would you like more tea, Polly Prissypants?
- I would love some tea, thank you. - You're welcome, Polly Prissypants.
- Would you like some tea, Clyde Frog? - Yes, please.
- Why are you so cool? - I don't know, Clyde Frog. I just am.
Yeah, you're strong and smart. Everybody likes you.
Thank you, Polly Prissypants. How nice of you.
Dude, this is pretty f* *ked up right here.
- Let's go make fun of him. - No, this looks really serious.
- I think we better get help. - Really?
Eric, you are the coolest guy in the world. This is tremendous tea.
Why, thank you, Peter Panda. It's a distinctive Earl Grey.
- Eric is the best. - Hurray for Eric.
Eric kicks ass.
Mr. Mackey, something's wrong with Cartman.
- There's a news flash. - We saw him having a tea party...
...with his stuffed animals. - He was doing their voices.
Eric is obviously suffering from some kind of emotional distress, m'kay?
- What do you mean? - Has anything troubled him recently?
- No. - Well, something is bothering him.
Oh, of course, my video camera.
If you could videotape Eric's behavior...
...then I can study him psychologically and find out what's wrong, m'kay?
- Is that legal? - Oh, hell yes.
That's a lovely dress you are wearing, Polly Prissypants.
Thank you, Eric. You are a perfect gentleman.
- You are smart and cool. - Yes, you are strong, smart and cool.
- Everybody likes you. - That's nice, Peter Panda.
- This will be the funniest tape ever. - How much do we need?
Just keep rolling.
- More tea, Rumper Tumpskin? - Yes, please.
You are tough and handsome.
Thank you. What do you think about me, Clyde Frog?
I think you're a big, fat piece of crap.
No, Kitty, this is my corned beef cabbage.
No, Kitty! That's a bad Kitty!
- How is your beefy roast, snookums? - Mom, can I ask you a question?
- Sure, hon. - You know how Stan has a dad?
And Kyle has a dad? And Kenny has a dad?
- Well, what's your question, hon? - Goddamn it, do I have a dad?
I wanna know where I came from.
Well, you see, Eric...
...sometimes when a man and a woman are attracted to each other...
...they want to be close to each other.
And sometimes the man puts his hoo-hoo-dilly... the woman's cha-cha.
Who put his hoo-hoo-dilly in your cha-cha?
Eric, the day I met your father, it was like magic.
It was a beautiful autumn night, when the aspen trees were turning... the 1 2th Annual Drunken Barn Dance.
I was young and naive then.
I've never seen a woman drink so much. You're amazing, Miss Cartman.
Heck, I haven't even started yet.
I baked cookies. Would anybody like one?
I wouldn't mind getting ahold of your cookies.
Well, go right ahead, Officer Barbrady.
That's a good cookie.
Come on, everybody, let's do the drunken barn dance.
And then I saw him.
He was the most beautiful piece of ass I'd ever seen in South Park.
His name was Chief Running Water.
I don't recall the rest of the night...
...but the next morning, I was pregnant with you, my little blueberry muffin.
Where is Chief Running...? I mean Dad, now?
I never saw him after that. I wasn't really that interested in him.
That isn't a very romantic story, Mom.
I heard he still lives on the Ute reservation outside of town.
Wow, to think all this time I'm actually a naive American.
No, Kitty! That's a bad Kitty!
Coming this Sunday, a television event that will blow you away.
Terrance. Phillip. In the harrowing made-for-TV drama...
...Not Without My Anus. Based on a true story.
I have to go to Iraq and find my kidnapped daughter.
Then I'm going to go with you, Terrance.
See Canada's hottest stars in the HBC Movie of the Week.
Dude, we have to tape Not Without My Anus.
Yeah, dude, it looks riveting.
- We wanna watch Terrance and Phillip. - No, Billy...
...we're gonna watch the Bob Saget show.
And now, America's Stupidest Home Videos. Here's your host, Bob Saget.
I just flew into the studio. Boy, are my arms tired.
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road? He didn't have the guts.
Knock, knock.
Bob Saget.
- This guy sucks. - He's almost as bad... that guy on Full House.
Cartman? What are you doing dressed up like an Indian with a bear necklace?
Naive American, Stan. The bear is important to my people.
The white man has mocked my people long enough. Keep your mouths shut!
- I need to bike to the reservation. - What are you talking about?
My name is Eric Running Water. Now, can I borrow your bike?
- Or do I have to steal it? - Go ahead, dude.
- He's more screwed up than I thought. - Let's get this video to Mr. Mackey.
Just a reminder, send us your stupidest home videos.
The grand prize this month will be for $ 1 0,000.
- Ten thousand dollars? Holy smokes! - I wish we had a stupidest home video.
- And bear cried to eagle... - Running Water, some kid's here.
- What kid? - He says he's your kid.
- Hi, Dad. - Who are you?
I'm your son, Eric. You put your hoo-hoo-dilly in my mom's cha-cha.
- Your mother? - Liane Cartman.
Cartman? Oh, boy, I was worried there for a second.
- I'm not your father. - But you were the guy she was with.
I hate to break this to you, but your mother is what we refer to as...
..."bear with wide canyon." - What do you mean?
She is "doe who cannot keep legs together."
- Your mom's a slut. - Hey!
Your mom was too drunk to remember what happened.
Let me tell you.
We got tired of dancing, so we found a private spot.
I knew she wanted me. She kept saying romantic things.
- Chief, I want your hot man-chowder. - Whoa, hello!
Wait, wait. Who is that?
- Could you excuse me for a minute? - You gotta be kidding me.
Why, hello there. I don't think I've seen you around before.
- No, I'm new in town. - What's a nice, handsome... man like yourself doing in a pit like South Park?
- I'm gonna open up a restaurant here. - My, how exciting.
Care to put your tongue in my mouth?
Damn, baby, you cut right to the chase.
I'm plastered!
His tongue? Chef? Chef is my dad?
He's the last person I saw with your mom.
Oh, my God. I'm a black African-American.
Come on, get the go-cart going.
- Did you send the videotape? - I mailed it last night.
What sucks is now we have to watch Bob Saget.
- Lf we win, we can buy a new go-cart. - Here comes Cartman.
What's up, homeys?
I was just kicking it with some G's on the west side.
- You live on the east side. - I thought you were Native American.
Right, like I'm some hippie Indian.
You know what I'm saying, G? Check you later. I'm gonna go chill with my dad.
Dude, we should be videotaping this. We could make another $ 1 0,000.
Hold on, Kenny!
- Oh, my God, they killed Kenny! - You bastards!
- Hello? - Yo, Pops.
- Boy, what the fudge are you doing? - Just laying down some rhymes.
- Get in here! - West side.
- What's gotten into you? - You're my dad, Chef.
You got together with my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance.
What? No! Did I?
You kissed her with your tongue.
Women don't get pregnant from tongue kissing, children.
- So you're not my dad? - Of course not.
Here, you children sit down and let me explain about where babies come from.
Then you'll see why I can't be your dad.
Actually, sometimes a man doesn't love a woman...
...but he acts like he does to get some action.
What? Who the hell did that to my mom at the Drunken Barn Dance?
Children, that was a long time ago, but I'll tell you what I remember.
Chef, you're so strong.
Hey everybody, look who's here, the AFC Champion Denver Broncos.
- Are we late for the party? - What town is this?
- Damn, woman, what's gotten into you? - Whoopee!
- Garrison, what are you doing? - You're drunk, Mr. Hat.
Oh, man, I'm out of here.
Come on, Chef, haven't you heard of a "manage oh three"?
Yeah, when two women are involved.
Damn! Damn! I guess it will just have to be you and me, Miss Cartman.
And that's who she was with last: Mr. Garrison.
No. No. No, God, no!
And now, America's Stupidest Home Videos.
Here's a video that shows a very disturbed boy.
Thank you, Polly Prissypants. You are my best friend.
You are one of the coolest people in the world, and you are not fat.
- Really, you don't think so? - No, you're not fat.
Stanley, we just heard that your little friend Kenny...
...was killed by a train. - Huh? Oh, yeah.
Is there anything we can do for you?
- How about ice cream? - Yeah, with butterscotch.
- You bet, you poor dears. - Now the moment you've waited for...
...when one of our lucky videos qualifies for the $ 1 0,000 grand prize.
The winner is:
- "Little Boy's Tea Party. " - We're in the finals.
- We're gonna win $ 1 0,000. - Cartman will be famous.
- I guess we should go, Mr. Hat. - One more cosmopolitan, Mr. Garrison.
Mr. Hat, you need to admit you have a drinking problem. Another cosmo.
All this time... Why didn't you tell me, Father?
- What are you talking about, Eric? - It was you.
You were with my mother at the Drunken Barn Dance.
- Garrison? Impossible, he's gay. - I'm not gay!
Then you slept with my mom?
- He's gay. - Okay, okay, I admit it.
I might have made love to your mother at the dance, but who here didn't?
Now come on, honestly, who here has never had sex with Mrs. Cartman?
- I haven't. - You don't count, Halfy.
- You don't have any legs. - Oh, yeah.
Anyone here could be your father. I'm afraid you're never going to know.
Don't feel too bad, kid. I never knew who my father was either.
I mean, I knew who he was, and we had great times together...
Well, hell, you know what I mean!
- Wait, I know a way to find out. - How?
At my lab, we can do DNA genetic testing.
I'll take blood from you and everyone here and we can learn who your dad is.
- Really? You can? - Yes, of course.
The testing will cost a pretty penny.
- How much? - Three thousand.
- I don't have $3,000. - Oh, never mind.
Dude, I can't wait to win that $ 1 0,000.
- I'm gonna buy the coolest go-cart. - I'm gonna buy a Walkman.
- Hey, guys. - How's it going?
Fine. How are you guys?
- Dude, what the hell is wrong? - Nothing. It's just, nothing.
- What's the matter? - I wanna know who my dad is...
...but to find out, they have to do DNA tests and they cost $3,000.
- And I don't have $3,000. - Wow, we're sorry your mom's a whore.
Yeah, it sucks. I have to know who my father is, I just have to.
Maybe I can work in a sweatshop for a while...
Well, see you guys. I'm gonna go play in my back yard.
- We know how you can get $3,000. - You do?
We're in the finals for America's Stupidest Home Videos.
If we win, we'll give you 3,000 of our $ 1 0,000 prize.
You will? Wow, you guys are the best.
- Thanks, you guys. - Yeah.
And now back to America's Stupidest Home Videos.
- What kind of video did you make? - You'll see.
It's time to crown the $ 1 0,000 winner.
It's down to three videos.
First, it's "Dog Who Puts Hat on Master's Head."
I'm a little dog. I'm just a little dog.
But I've gotta put a hat on my master's head.
Now, our second finalist, "Little Boy Has a Tea Party."
Polly Prissypants, you are my best friend.
Thank you, Eric.
Boy, looks like this kid needs some therapy.
We're sure to win, Cartman. Then you'll get your DNA money.
I am so pissed off right now.
They laughed hardest at our video. We're gonna win!
And, finally, "Young Child Gets Hit by a Train."
I'm such a cute little kid. I wonder if I can get this go-cart started.
I hope I don't get hit by a train. I sure did.
- Oh, my God, they taped killing Kenny! - You bastards!
Now, that's what I call a joy ride.
And the winner is, naturally, "Little Boy Being Hit by a Train."
- Dude, we lost. - Damn it!
I am going to f* *king kill you guys, seriously!
Take a bow, Mr. Marsh.
- I won, I won. - Grandpa!
Our other finalists will get $3,000 runner-up prizes. See you next time.
Hear that? We get $3,000. That's enough for your DNA tests.
Kill you guys. Kill you guys!
From everyone's accounts, I've narrowed down Eric's possible father... the people in this room: Officer Barbrady, Chef, Jimbo...
...Mr. Garrison, Ned, Chief Running Water...
...Gerald Broflovski, myself, my friend Kevin...
...or the 1 989 Denver Broncos.
I knew Cartman's mom was a slut, but goddamn!
The results are in this envelope.
- Shall I open it? - Yes, for God's sake, get on with it.
The father of Eric Cartman is indeed someone in this room.
- The father is... - Who is Eric Cartman's father?
Is it Chief Running Water? Or is it Chef?
Is it Mephisto, or that little monkey guy?
- Or is it Mr. Garrison? - No, he's gay.
- You go to hell and you die! - Is it Jimbo?
- Or is it Officer Barbrady? - Huh? Where?
- Or could it be Ned? - Could be.
- Or Mr. Broflovski? - Dad, how could you?
Or is it the 1 991 Denver Broncos?
The answer is coming on an all-new South Park in just four weeks.
What? Son of a bitch!
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Soul Survivors
Sound of Music The
South Park - Bigger Longer and Uncut
South Park 01x01 - Cartman Gets An Anal Probe
South Park 01x02 - Weight Gain 4000
South Park 01x03 - Volcano
South Park 01x04 - Big Gay Als Big Gay Boatride
South Park 01x05 - An Elephant Makes Love to a Pig
South Park 01x06 - Death
South Park 01x07 - Pinkeye
South Park 01x08 - Jesus VS Satan
South Park 01x09 - Starvin Marvin
South Park 01x10 - Mr Hankey the Christmas Poo
South Park 01x11 - Toms Rhinoplasty
South Park 01x12 - Mecha Striesand
South Park 01x13 - Cartmans Mom is a Dirty Slut
Soylent Green 1973
Spacehunter 1983
Spanish Prisoner The CD1
Spanish Prisoner The CD2
Spark the Lighter
Spartacus 2004 CD1
Spartacus 2004 CD2
Spartacus Fixed 1960
Spartan 2004 CD1
Spartan 2004 CD2
Spawn (1997)
Spawn (Directors Cut)
Species 3 CD1
Species 3 CD2
Speed 2 - Cruise Control
Spellbound (Hitchcock 1945)
Spetters 1980
Spider-Man CD1
Spider-Man CD2
Spider (2002)
Spider Man 2 CD1
Spider Man 2 CD2
Spies Like Us 1985
Spirit of the Beehive
Spirited Away CD1
Spirits of the Dead 1968 CD1
Spirits of the Dead 1968 CD2
Spoilers The
Spongebob Squarepants The Movie
Springtime In A Small Town
Spun (Unrated Version)
Spy Game
Spy Hard
Spy Who Came In from the Cold The
Spy Who Loved Me The
Spy Who Shagged Me The - New Line Platinum Series
Spygirl CD1
Spygirl CD2
Square Peg
St Johns Wort - (Otogiriso) 25fps 2001
Stage Beauty 2004
Stage Fright 1950
Stalag 17
Stalker 1979 CD1
Stalker 1979 CD2
Star Trek Generations CD1
Star Trek Generations CD2
Star Wars - Episode II Attack of the Clones
Star Wars - Episode IV A New Hope
Star Wars - Episode I The Phantom Menace
Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD1
Star Wars Episode 4 (A New Hope) CD2
Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD1
Star Wars Episode 5 (Empire Strikes Back) CD2
Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD1
Star Wars Episode 6 (Return of the Jedi) CD2
Stargate SG1 1x01 Children of the Gods
Stargate SG1 1x02 The enemy Within
Stargate SG1 1x03 Emancipation
Stargate SG1 1x04 The Broca Divide
Stargate SG1 1x05 The First Commandment
Stargate SG1 1x06 Cold Lazarus
Stargate SG1 1x07 The Nox
Stargate SG1 1x08 Brief Candle
Stargate SG1 1x09 Thors Hammer
Stargate SG1 1x10 The Torment of Tantalus
Stargate SG1 1x11 Bloodlines
Stargate SG1 1x12 Fire and Water
Stargate SG1 1x13 Hathor
Stargate SG1 1x14 Singularity
Stargate SG1 1x15 The Cor AI
Stargate SG1 1x16 Enigma
Stargate SG1 1x17 Solitudes
Stargate SG1 1x18 Tin Man
Stargate SG1 1x19 There but for the Grace of God
Stargate SG1 1x20 Politics
Stargate SG1 1x21 Within the Serpents Grasp
Stargate SG1 2x01 The serpents lair
Stargate SG1 2x02 In the line of duty
Stargate SG1 2x03 Prisoners
Stargate SG1 2x04 The gamekeeper
Stargate SG1 2x05 Need
Stargate SG1 2x06 Thors chariot
Stargate SG1 2x07 Message in a bottle
Stargate SG1 2x08 Family
Stargate SG1 2x09 Secrets
Stargate SG1 2x10 Bane
Stargate SG1 2x11 The tokra part 1
Stargate SG1 2x12 The tokra part 2
Stargate SG1 2x13 Spirits
Stargate SG1 2x14 Touchstone
Stargate SG1 2x15 The fifth race
Stargate SG1 2x16 A matter of time
Stargate SG1 2x17 Holiday
Stargate SG1 2x18 Serpents song
Stargate SG1 2x19 One false step
Stargate SG1 2x20 Show and tell
Stargate SG1 2x21 1969
Stargate SG1 3x01 Into The Fire II
Stargate SG1 3x02 Seth
Stargate SG1 3x03 Fair Game
Stargate SG1 3x04 Legacy
Stargate SG1 3x05 Learning Curve
Stargate SG1 3x06 Point Of View
Stargate SG1 3x07 Deadman Switch
Stargate SG1 3x08 Demons
Stargate SG1 3x09 Rules Of Engagement
Stargate SG1 3x10 Forever In A Day
Stargate SG1 3x11 Past And Present
Stargate SG1 3x12 Jolinars Memories
Stargate SG1 3x13 The Devil You Know
Stargate SG1 3x14 Foothold
Stargate SG1 3x15 Pretense
Stargate SG1 3x16 Urgo
Stargate SG1 3x17 A Hundred Days
Stargate SG1 3x18 Shades Of Grey
Stargate SG1 3x19 New Ground
Stargate SG1 3x20 Maternal Instinct
Stargate SG1 3x21 Crystal Skull
Stargate SG1 3x22 Nemesis
Stargate SG1 4x01 Small Victories
Stargate SG1 4x02 The Other Side
Stargate SG1 4x03 Upgrades
Stargate SG1 4x04 Crossroads
Stargate SG1 4x05 Divide And Conquer
Stargate SG1 4x06 Window Of Opportunity
Stargate SG1 4x07 Watergate
Stargate SG1 4x08 The First Ones
Stargate SG1 4x09 Scorched Earth
Stargate SG1 4x10 Beneath The Surface
Stargate SG1 4x11 Point Of No Return
Stargate SG1 4x12 Tangent
Stargate SG1 4x13 The Curse
Stargate SG1 4x14 The Serpents Venom
Stargate SG1 4x15 Chain Reaction
Stargate SG1 4x16 2010
Stargate SG1 4x17 Absolute Power
Stargate SG1 4x18 The Light
Stargate SG1 4x19 Prodigy
Stargate SG1 4x20 Entity
Stargate SG1 4x21 Double Jeopardy
Stargate SG1 4x22 Exodus
Stargate SG1 5x01 Enemies
Stargate SG1 5x02 Threshold
Stargate SG1 5x03 Ascension
Stargate SG1 5x04 Fifth Man
Stargate SG1 5x05 Red Sky
Stargate SG1 5x06 Rite Of Passage
Stargate SG1 5x07 Beast Of Burden
Stargate SG1 5x08 The Tomb
Stargate SG1 5x09 Between Two Fires
Stargate SG1 5x10 2001
Stargate SG1 5x11 Desperate Measures
Stargate SG1 5x12 Wormhole X-Treme
Stargate SG1 5x13 Proving Ground
Stargate SG1 5x14 48 Hours
Stargate SG1 5x15 Summit
Stargate SG1 5x16 Last Stand
Stargate SG1 5x17 Failsafe
Stargate SG1 5x18 The Warrior
Stargate SG1 5x19 Menace
Stargate SG1 5x20 The Sentinel
Stargate SG1 5x21 Meridian
Stargate SG1 5x22 Revelations
Stargate SG1 6x01 Redemption Part 1
Stargate SG1 6x02 Redemption Part 2
Stargate SG1 6x03 Descent
Stargate SG1 6x04 Frozen
Stargate SG1 6x05 Nightwalkers
Stargate SG1 6x06 Abyss
Stargate SG1 6x07 Shadow Play
Stargate SG1 6x08 The Other Guys
Stargate SG1 6x09 Allegiance
Stargate SG1 6x10 Cure
Stargate SG1 6x11 Prometheus
Stargate SG1 6x12 Unnatural Selection
Stargate SG1 6x13 Sight Unseen
Stargate SG1 6x14 Smoke n Mirrors
Stargate SG1 6x15 Paradise Lost
Stargate SG1 6x16 Metamorphosis
Stargate SG1 6x17 Disclosure
Stargate SG1 6x18 Forsaken
Stargate SG1 6x19 The Changeling
Stargate SG1 6x20 Memento
Stargate SG1 6x21 Prophecy
Stargate SG1 6x22 Full Circle
Stargate SG1 7x01 Fallen
Stargate SG1 7x02 Homecoming
Stargate SG1 7x03 Fragile Balance
Stargate SG1 7x04 Orpheus
Stargate SG1 7x05 Revisions
Stargate SG1 7x06 Lifeboat
Stargate SG1 7x07 Enemy Mine
Stargate SG1 7x08 Space Race
Stargate SG1 7x09 Avenger 2 0
Stargate SG1 7x10 Birthright
Stargate SG1 7x10 Heroes II
Stargate SG1 7x11 Evolution I
Stargate SG1 7x12 Evolution II
Stargate SG1 7x13 Grace
Stargate SG1 7x14 Fallout
Stargate SG1 7x15 Chimera
Stargate SG1 7x16 Death Knell
Stargate SG1 7x17 Heroes I
Stargate SG1 7x19 Resurrection
Stargate SG1 7x20 Inauguration
Stargate SG1 7x21-22 The Lost City I n II
Starship Troopers (Special Edition)
Starship Troopers 2
Story Of A Kiss
Strada La
Strange aventure de Docteur Molyneux
Street Of Love And Hope (Nagisa Oshima 1959)
Street of shame (Akasen chitai)
Streetcar Named Desire A
Style Wars
Suicide Regimen
Sukces 2003
Summer Tale A 2000
Sunday Lunch (2003)
Super 8 Stories
Superman IV - The Quest for Peace
Surviving the Game
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD1
Swedish Love Story A (1970) CD2
Sweetest Thing The (Unrated Version)
Swept Away
Swordsman III - The East is Red
Sylvester - Canned Feud (1951)
Sylvester - Speedy Gonzales (1955)
Sylvester and Elmer - Kit for Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Porky - Scaredy Cat (1948)
Sylvester and Tweety - Canary Row (1950)
Sylvester and Tweety - Putty Tat Trouble (1951)
Sylvester and Tweety - Tweetys SOS (1951)