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Tin Men

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{y:i}I've just found joy
{y:i}I'm as happy as a baby boy
{y:i}With another brand new|{y:i}choo-choo toy
{y:i}When I met my sweet|{y:i}Lorraine, Lorraine, Lorraine
{y:i}Shes got a pair of eyes
{y:i}That are brighter|{y:i}than the summer skies
{y:i}When you see them|{y:i}you realize
{y:i}Why I love my sweet Lorraine
{y:i}Now, when it's raining
{y:i}I don't miss the sun
{y:i}Because it's in|{y:i}my babys smile, oh-oh
{y:i}And to think|{y:i}that I'm the lucky one
{y:i}That will lead her|{y:i}down the aisle, oh-oh-oh
{y:i}Each night I pray
{y:i}That no one will steal|{y:i}her heart away
{y:i}I can't wait|{y:i}until that lucky day
{y:i}When I marry sweet Lorraine
- She is a beauty.|- Who?
- What?|- Who? Who is a beauty?
- The car.|- Oh, oh. I thought you were talkin'|about a chick walking outside.
I lost my concentration.
Why do you think|they call cars '''she''?
Never ''he.''|It's always '''she.''
l guess it's just custom.
- Well, what do you think?|- Don't press me.
You're a sick man. Sick!
- Do you hear me? Do you hear me?|- Who's sick?
- Who do you think I'm screamin' at?|How many of you are there up there?|- Ohh.
There's only you,|and you're a sick human being.
- I can't believe you sometimes!|- Where's my white-on-white shirt?
It's like yelling through a wall to you.|I mean, I'm-I'm carrying on about...
what a disgusting human being you are,|and all you wanna know is where|your white-on-white shirt is?
Yeah, the one with|the permanent stains.
I really don't want you to hustle me|here. You know what I mean? I really..
I really hate that.|I hate being hustled.
I just want a nice,|honest price, you know.
I just don't want any special deals.|Just a nice, honest price.
- Am I making myself clear?|- Of course, Mr Babowsky.
Now, how much are you|willing to pay?
You're doing it. See,|you're doing it already. I hate that.
- Y-Y-You're giving me a hustle number.|- I-I am just trying to get an idea|of how much you're willing to pay.
Four dollars. I'd like|to pay four dollars a month.
Now, that is not|an honest answer.
Well, what do you wanna hear?|Why don't you just tell me...
what you want me to pay, okay, and then|I'll tell you whether I'll pay it.
And then we won't have to|get this hustle number going...
which I really hate.
What do I wanna pay?|I wanna pay nothing.
-You're being unreasonable.|You don't even wanna listen.|-I don't know what I did. I got no idea.
- If you'd listen,|you'd know what you did.|- Is it my fault? - Yeah!
I'm sorry. Okay? I'm sorry.|I can do no better than that.
A full, unconditional apology.
All right? All right?
By the way, why don't you send a search|party out for the white-on-white shirt?
Huh?|It's the best one I got.
Now, if you have even the smallest|problem, you call me personally...
- and I'll just shoot you straight|into the service department.|- Okay, okay.
Now, uh, I get the loaner, right,|if my car has to stay?
A's we discussed, you get a car|if the car has to stay overnight.
- Uh, do I get the loaner?|- Yes.
Oh, she's driving me to my grave.|That's it. I'm headed to my grave.
I'm on my way to my grave.|The woman is driving me insane.
It's not supposed to be|like this. Uh-uh.
11:00, and my neck|is stiff as a board.
Ohh! Oh, it's tight.
Oh. Ohh.
Now, you enjoy the car,|Mr Babowsky.
Oh, my God.
Are you a lunatic? Are you telling me|that you didn't see me coming out|of this lot?
Huh? There's a red light there,|for crying out loud!
- You're supposed to stop!|- Me? Are you crazy?
- What do you want? To just back into|the middle of the street like that?|- What?
A man''s driving along, and you wanna|back into the middle of the street.
- What kind of driving is that?|- There's a red light there, you know.
I was making a space for myself.|That's what I was trying to do,|in order to get into the street.
-You bolted out of nowhere!|-That's something you're supposed to do.
- You bolted out of nowhere, pal.|- I bolted?|- You bolted out of nowhere!
- I bolted? I bolted?|- Bolted out of nowhere!
- At six miles an hour,|I bolted into the street?|- That's right. That's right.
- You schmuck! You schmuck!|- Back away from me!|Back away from me!
- All right. I'll back away.|I'll back away. I'm backin' away.|- Back away from me.
- Here, I backed away, huh?|Hey, hey, hey, calm down!|- Give it!
You lunatic! You lunatic!
Look! Will you look at this guy, huh?|He back's in front of me.
He rips my side-view mirror off!|And then.. And I'm crazy!
- You're dead! Dead! Dead!|You're gonna go down!|- You goddam lunatic!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!|- Calm down. Take it easy!
- You are crazy! You are nut's!|- Come on.
They oughta lock you up|and throw away the key.
That's what they|oughta do to you.
Look at this. Look at this! My car's|got a sixteenth of a mile on it...
and it's already been hit.
Do you believe this?
- I'm gonna get even with you.|- Lay off!|- Hey, hey!
I'm gonna get even with you,|you son of a bitch.
I'm gonna get even with you.
Look, you wanna drive|a Cadillac, learn how to drive.
You wanna get even with somebody,|you picked the wrong person|to get even with, pal!
Nobody back's in traffic,|smashes my car and then tells me|they're gonna get even.
- I'm gonna get even, pal.|- We'll see about that.
- Give me my goddam mirror.|Give me my mirror.|- Hey! Hey!
Now, a loaner, a loaner.|Right now. No talk.
Good morning, Mrs Foster. Hi.
I represent the Gibraltar|Aluminum Siding Company.
We're gonna be having a representative|in your neighbourhood today.|When would..
Would you be interested in seeing|the benefit's of our aluminum product?
Yes, well,|we do aluminum siding, which--
Would you be interested in seeing|the benefit's of our aluminum product?
Well, we do|aluminum siding, which..
Mrs Beadle, are you interested|in aluminum siding?
Gibraltar Aluminum Siding Company.
So the, uh, doctor says,|''When I get all the information back,|I'll give you a call.''
He leaves the doctor. So one day, the|phone rings. The guy goes to pick it up.
- The guy?|- The guy.|- Not the doctor?
That's right. The guy get's the telephone|call. It's the doctor on the line.
- Don't get so irritable.|- Well, listen to what I'm saying.
-Let him tell the joke, Cheese.|-So the doctor says, ''I got some|bad news and some worse news.''
The guy says,|''Let me hear the bad news first.''
The doctor says,|''You got 24 hours to live.''
The guy says, ''Well, what's|the worse news?'' Doctor says,|''I forgot to call you yesterday.''
- So the guy's dead, right? That's good.|- Worse news and bad news.|- Come on. Smart joke.
- Did he say that the guy dies?|- Did you hear what he said?|''The guy dies?''|- It's a dumb joke.
-The guy died. You didn't hear the joke.|-But it's good.|-I know. It's part of the joke.|-Up it 50 cent's.
- I'm in. I call. I'm in on this.|- All right. All right. Okay.
- We hear you. You're in.|So, did you get your new Cadillac?|- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- It's already been hit.|- Hit?|- What?
- I didn't have the thing five minutes.|- Aw.
- I was backin' out of the place.|A guy comes out of nowhere,|bangs right into my car. Aw, Jesus.
- I call. What do you got?|- Uh, sixes.
- Pair of Jakes. I win.|- Pair of sixes?
- So I lied.|- So how much damage?
- Six hundred dollars worth, at least.|- Six hundred dollars?
- Yeah.|- I'd get rid of that car.
With that kind of damage,|the car won't be any good.|You probably dented the frame.
- He didn't dent the frame.|- You hit the frame,|the car doesn't run right.
- He didn't dent the frame.|Watch my lips.|- Don't get so irritable.
- You never listen to me.|- So what are we doin' here?
- I'm gonna tell you something.|I'm gonna get this guy.|- Garage two.
If he'd apologized, it would be|different. But he get's out of the car,|he tries to push me around.
Don't let anybody|push you around, BB.
- Yeah.|- I'm gonna get this guy|just for the fun of it.
Then he attacks me. He rips my-my side-|view mirror off. One of the loonies!
- Unbelievable.|- Did you live?|- Did you get his name?
Yeah, I got his name.
Police came.|God, I can't believe it.
The guy's an idiot.|Yeah, I got it right here.
Polish name. Babowsky.|Bill Babowsky.
- Fuckin' son of a bitch.|- Hey, I know that guy.
- They call him ''BB.''|- You know the son of a bitch?
Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah,|he work's with Bagel.
- He sells aluminum siding?|- Uh-huh. Same as us.
I don't believe it. Of all the people|that could run into me, it has|to be another tin man.
- How come I don't know him?|- Come on. You must've seen him.
He hangs out with that group.|You know, uh, Cheese, uh, Carly Benelli.
- Gibraltar Siding. You know that group.|- I don't know the guy.
Come on! One year, when we were up|at the Corral, he was there one night.
You know, when we were all there?|You know. He-He's a good dancer.
- You must know-- you must've seen him.|- I don't know the guy.
- What are you talking about?|- Gil, he doesn't know the guy!
- Hey, listen, I thought|he knew the guy. Okay, Sam?|- He seems--
-I can't believe he didn't know the guy.|-He seems to be indicating that|he doesn't know him.
I don't know the guy, all right?
- All right. Okay. Yeah. Now, here.|- All right? All right, Gil?|I don't know the guy.
- He's a good dancer.|- What do you want me to do, date him?
- I don't give a shit|if he's a good dancer.|- Well, I thought you saw the guy.
I tell you, I was amazed. This guy|does a merengue. Whoa! I'm tellin' you.
I.. If I was a girl, I'd be.. I'd be..|I'd be really impressed.
You're not one of those,|are ya?
I'm not one of those.|No, I'm not.
- Is this fresh?|- Yes, it's fresh.|- I'm just asking, Florence.
You're always just askin',|and you drive me crazy.
I can't.. I can't tell you how well|this guy does the merengue.
- I can't wait to see it.|- You know, I'll tell you one thing.
When I get a hold of this guy,|I'm gonna break both his legs...
and then he won't dance|the merengue too good.
-Son of a bitch. Back's right.. Look at|the nose on my car. Take a look at that!|-Jesus.
- Holy mackerel. Look at that. Huh?|- That was a beautiful car|before this happened.
- Let me-- Let me ask you something.|You watch 'Ed Sullivan', right?|- Yeah.
Which-Which act do you like better--|the guy who spins the plates...
or do you like, uh,|the guy with the-- the hand puppet?
- Seņor Wences. I love this guy.|- The hand puppet. Right. Seņor Wences.|- Seņor Wences.
- He's good. I mean, that's good comedy.|- He's the best. He's better than the guy who|spins the plates?
- Yeah. Of course he's better.|He's got a moustache.|- Of course he's better than the guy--|No risk. Plus, he's got no overhead.
- The man''s got a hand,|a chalk and a box. And that's it.|- And a little lipstick.
Every once in a while,|he put's a little wig on it. Hello.
Sall right? It's okay. It's all right.|I love him.
- I love the guy.|- I'm gonna tell you something.
- This coffee--|- 'Bonanza' is not an accurate|depiction of the West.
That's all I'm saying. Did you ever|watch that show? 'Bonanza'.
- Is somebody talking|about 'Bonanza' in here? Uh--|- Yeah. Today's a 'Bonanza' day.
- Oh, is today|It's Monday! It must be.|- Yeah. Monday! Today is 'Bonanza' day.
- Yeah, it's a 'Bonanza' day,|the big ''B'' day. Yeah, yeah, yeah.|- Oh, excuse me.
- Ben Cartwright day,|you know what I mean?|- You laugh.. You laugh about it.|- How's Ben and the boys doing?
You can laugh about it,|but it's just not believable.
Do you ever see the show?|It's a 50-year-old father|with three 47-year-old sons.
You know why they get along good?|'Cause they're all the same age.
- ''Hey, Pa, you ride the horse,|and I'll go to town.''|- What's he talkin' about?
- Come on. What kind of show is that?|- Well, I don't--
- Look, I'm not an authority|on it like you are, but, I mean...|- Yeah, yeah.
- I occasionally watch 'Bonanza',|and I think it's like--|- Yeah.
Can you believe here's a man who's got|three kid's from three different wives?
- They all died at childbirth.|I mean, what is this here?|- Must've been a hell of a man.
- Who's gonna go around there?|He's the kiss of death.|- Yeah, he's--
- Yeah, it's called one hump and out.|- Sick lover.|- A little time to kill.
- You want to get some coffee?|- No. Let's do 'Life' magazine.
- Oh, yeah, it'll be fun.|- Yeah. lt'll cheer me up.
I think we have to move the camera|over another foot!
- Yeah?|- Yeah.
Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Yeah. This is much better.|Why don't you take a look here?
Yeah, the light is hitting it now|in a perfect way.
It's giving us just exactly what--|It's very good.
Yeah, that really shows|the flaws in the structure.
Uh-huh. Yeah, it's got a lot of the--|It's showing the discolouration here.
- It's got that-- Look. And the flaking.|- Right.
This is better.|Come on out, honey.
- Hey, you got colour in here? Yeah.|- Oh, yeah. Colouration? Oh, yes. Yes.
- Yeah. Yeah, this is too nice for|black and white. It's gotta be colour.|- Yeah.
- Bingo.|- Excuse me?
- Um, what are youse doin'?|- Well, I hope we're not disturbing you, ma'am.
- We're with 'Life' magazine. We'll be|out of here in just a minute.|- I gotta move the camera another foot there.
- Uh.. Uh,|what do you mean, 'Life' magazine?|- Ah, just, uh, two minutes, ma'am.
And then we'll be out of your way.|We just need some pictures|for 'Life' magazine.
- And then we won't be bothering you.|- 'Life' magazine is here|on my front lawn?
Yeah, yeah. You see,|we're doing a layout on, uh,|the benefits of aluminum siding.
You know, uh-uh-uh-- kind of|a ''before and after,'' uh, presentation.
- A ''before'' picture?|- Yeah. So they see your house...
and then another house done|with aluminum siding.
- The other house looking|so much more beautiful.|- In 'Life' magazine?
Yes. Special issue on home improvements,|ways to beautify the home.
Yes, it's a wonderful--|it's a wonderful issue.
It's one of the most beautiful,|pictorial, uh, things that we've ever|done here in 'Life.'
-Uh, you know,|ways to, uh, improve the home.|-Yeah, this is gonna look very good, BB.
Our house is gonna be|the ''before'' picture in 'Life' magazine?
Are you crazy? We keep 'Life' magazine|on our coffee table!
Oh, can't my house be the ''after'?
No, no, no.
No, that's so sweet.|No, thank you.
But we already have a house that, uh--|uh, that has aluminum siding...
that look's just like your house, except|it's ever so much more beautiful.
Yeah. lt really shows the contrast|of what a house can look like.
- Yeah.|- Well, how much does this cost?|- What?
- Uh, the--|- Oh, the aluminum siding? Uh--
- I don't know. Uh,|do you know anything about the costs?|- No, but I..
- I think it's fairly reasonable.|- Well, can't my house be|the ''after' picture in 'Life' magazine?
You could get another house|for the ''before.''
What do you mean?|Oh, you mean, uh--
Oh, you would like your house to be the|''after' picture with aluminum siding?
And then we would have to|find another house, uh...
to look like their house with-w--|for the ''before'' picture.
- Is that possible, hons?|- Oh, I don't-- I don't know|if we could manage this.
- What do you say?|- I don't know.|It's kinda pushing it, BB.
It's pushing it. Uh, well, look,|what time does your husband get home?
'Cause he'd have to go over the flgures|with the salesman. That's if there's|even a salesman available this evening.
-Jerry'll be home at 7:00.|- That'll be a total of $3,700.
Honey, we're gonna be|in 'Life' magazine.
Before. After.
You and your lovely wife might|have been asking yourself, ''Exactly what|are the benefits of aluminum siding?''
lt won't chip, peel, blister,|crack, flake or rust in any way.
The only maintenance you'll ever have|is to wash it down twice a year|with a hose.
It afford's much greater insulation,|which means it cuts down|on your heating bills.
I'll tell you what. Only on this sale,|I'll throw in a garden hose|for this sale.
- Let's do some business.|- We got a deal.
You're a smart man. This house|will be a monument to your good taste.
Good night.
{y:i}How can I tell her I love her
What happened?
- I almost had 'em. I was this close.|- You were in there long enough.
- I thought you were gonna|send me in to close.|- Damn! I thought I had 'em.
- Nothin'?|- Nothin'.
{y:i}Straight ahead, not at me
{y:i}Tall and tan|{y:i}and young and lovely
{y:i}The girl from Ipanema|{y:i}goes walking
{y:i}- When she passes, each one she passes|- You are great!
{y:i}- Goes ''ah''|{y:i}- 'Ah''
- So, 4,600 buck's.|Look's like a good deal.|{y:i}- When she walks, shes like a samba
{y:i}-Swings so cool and sways so gentle|-People own their own homes, so we won't|have any problem getting financing.
- Very good, Mouse. So, that's, uh..|{y:i}- That when she passes, each one|{y:i}she passes go ''ah''
- $1,138.|- $1,138.
{y:i}- Oh, but I watch her so sadly|- 138.
Thank's, boss. Pleasure|doing business with you.
- So, what's your guys' story?|{y:i}- How can I tell her I love her
- Nothing again. Came up short.|Let me get a little advance.|{y:i}- Yes
{y:i}- I would give my heart gladly|- Uh, 300, just to carry me for a bit.
- I'm already carrying you|for.. What is it, uh, 2,300?|{y:i}- But each day
- Something like that, Tilley?|- No problem. I'm in a little slump|here, is all. That's it.
- You're not gonna take a walk on me?|- What do you mean, ''walk''?
{y:i}- Tall and tan and young and lovely|- You think I'm gonna work somewheres else?
{y:i}- The girl from Ipanema goes walking|- W-Wing, you've been very good to me,|very honourable.
- He always said that about you, Wing.|He always said that. Believe me, he has.|{y:i}- And when she passes, I smile
I'll give you 150.
I need a bit more than that.|I got.. I got expenses.
What's the matter with your wife?|She don't work?
Yeah. What's she gonna make|working in the social security offlce?
Come on, Wing.|Can't you do no better than this?
I mean, a man in my position, in terms|of this firm. I don't know.
- Two hundred. That's it.|- Honey?|- Yeah?
Could you bring me a pack of Marlboros|and another Seven and Seven, please?
- A scotch, straight up.|- Uh, bring me another cruller, huh?
- Did she hear me|'say '''scotch, straight up''?|- No. - Listen.
{y:i}- How can I tell her I love her|- My guys tell me that the, uh,|home improvement commission|is the real thing.
- It's no jackpot. These guys|could be a real pain in the ass.|{y:i}- Yes
{y:i}- I would give my heart gladly|- And any of those scams that you guys|are running.. They get wind of it...
- they're gonna take your licence,|and it's goodbye to business.|{y:i}- But each day
They take away your licence,|they take away your livelihood.
- What kind of people are these?|- Which scams are you talkin' about?
- They got a list?|- Any irregularities, you know.
You know, you sell a house|on the pretence it's a model home.
Anything else sold in the neighbourhood,|they get a kickback.|Or the 'Life' magazine scam.
- Yeah.|- You guys know the bullshit numbers|you can run.
-Jeez, what a pain in the ass.|- What's left?
Is this commission gonna stick around,|or is it gone with the wind?
- They take your licence?|- Yeah.
And not your car licence.|Your business licence, Tilley.
Don't mention cars.
- Hold it, hold it! Whoa, whoa!|Stop the car. Stop right there.|- What? What?
That's his car.|Come on. Back it up. Back it up.
Okay, okay, okay.
Stop, stop, stop, stop,|'stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
All right. I'm gonna be right back.|I'm gonna even the score.
I see your way to an apology!
- I've been over the Yankees for 20--|- ...New York with Whitey Ford pitching.
That's a gift.
It's that lunatic again.
- What the..|- Tilley, Tilley, be careful!
Go, go, go!
Do you believe this guy?|Is he sane or what?
- Isn't that something?|- What's he got, a gnat up his ass?
- What the hells wrong with the guy?|- Don't your recognize him|from the Corral?
- I don't know the guy.|- Boy, I'll never forget his merengue.
Well, I'll tell you something.
If Mr Merengue wants to play...
we'll play.
Look at you. A quarter to 3:00|and home already.
What happened? You and the fellas|run out of things to talk about?
Please. I'm out there working my fingers|to the bone trying to make a living.
What's a five-letter word for|a Portuguese overseas province?
- Try Macao.|- That fits.
- What are you doing up so late?|- I'm off tomorrow.
I think this place may be|a little too large for us.
- What are you talking about?|This matchbox?|- It's got a lot of overhead to it.
I mean, what do you do? Spend your time|in the bedroom and the kitchen.
That's all. Why do you|need a living room and a dining room?
Why do you need a backyard?
You're not selling anything?
- I'm in a slump.|- That happens.
Last year, I'm number three, top seller.|Year before, right up there.
I can't get my momentum|going this year.
Oh, you will. You always do.
I'm not sure I like all this overhead|breathing down my neck.
I mean, you got a place like this:|that's a lot of overhead.
What are you talking about? The monthly|payments on your Cadillac alone...
are worth more|than this whole house.
- Why don't you get yourself something|cheaper, like a Chevy?|- Ooh.
It doesn't|instill confidence in my clients.
A Cadillac means you're dealing|with someone of importance.
I thought|I had a couple tonight.
They just slipped away.
Just slipped away.
I'm gonna take a bath.
My necks been tight|since this morning.
I'll turn out the lights.
{y:i}See the pyramids|{y:i}along the Nile
You know, Tilley,|we hardly ever do things together.
- Like what?|- You know, do fun things together|that are enjoyable.
What would we do together|for it to be enjoyable?
If we went on a picnic,|it would be fun.
Oh, I don't understand a picnic.
- You go someplace, put a thing|on the ground and eat.|{y:i}- You belong|- Yeah. It's nice to do that.
Why? I don't get it.|It's better sittin' in front of the TV.
I happen to think there's|something nice about a picnic. It's fun.
What's fun about it?|Ants get in the food.
There's bees. I don't get it.
You have to drive. It takes you maybe|an hour to get there.
And then what do you do? You sit in|the grass and eat. Why is that fun?
I just thought it might be nice to do|something together. That's all.
- I thought it might be fun.|- Doesn't sound like fun to me.
Would you wash my hair|the way you do it?
A picnic. You know, it's, like..|It's dirty. I don't know.
It's, like, what do you do? You|take the food you got in the icebox.
You take it out in a field|and eat it.
It's much more fun eating|in front of the TV.
We do that together, don't we?|No ants. No bees.
- Much more comfortable.|- It's not the same thing.
Could you do it harder?
Now, don't get me wrong.|I'd do anything with you.
I'm just a little stymied|by a picnic.
If you want to go on a picnic,|send me a postcard. Ow!
What did I say? Huh?
{y:i}When Liberty Valance|{y:i}rode to town
{y:i}The womenfolk would hide|{y:i}they'd hide
{y:i}When Liberty Valance|{y:i}walked around
{y:i}The men would step aside
{y:i}-For the point of a gun was the only law|{y:i}that Liberty understood|-The blue Caddie.
- Okay, Mr Merengue.|{y:i}- When it came to shooting
{y:i}- Straight and fast, he was mighty good|- Let's dance.
{y:i}From out of the East|{y:i}a stranger came
{y:i}A law book in his hand
Yeah, that was a good sale, Double B.|Yeah, we just got the okay on the loan.
- We're in business.|- Yeah, yeah, yeah.|- This whole area has been tremendously|fertile for us.
- Mm-hmm.|- Oh, I saw your car on the way in.|Yeah, it looks almost brand-shiny new.
Yeah, yeah. At $642.
- $642! Oh.|- Yeah.
Sure you want to get into|the tin game, Stanley?
- Good money, I understand.|- Yeah, well, you're gonna be...
bumpin' into a lot of strange|people knocking on those doors.
Hermits that never see the outside.|Women in bathrobes.
People that are lonely|and just wanna have conversations.
Kid's crawlin' all over ya. People..|People look like they got strange|diseases.
- Ugh, that's the worst.|- Call for you.|- Yeah.|- Interesting.
- What's the best way to qualify a mark?|- I knew they'd call.
- What?|- How do you know if you|can get the upper hand?
How do you know if you're dealin' with|a guy who's in an inferior position|or a superior position to you?
- How do you know?|- Well, you just have to start talking.|You feel your way..|- Nah. A quick way.
Take a book of matches out of|your pocket to light your cigarette.
Drop the matches on the floor.|If the guy bends down...
to pick 'em up for you, you got a mark--|you got this guy in your pocket.
Guy waits for you to pick 'em up,|you got a long, hard, tough sell|on your hands.
You wanna win their confidence. Here--|Here's a good thing to try.
Bagel, give me a five-dollar bill.|You're gonna start off...
with a five-dollar bill, which you've|taken out before he's seen it, right?
So you're sitting in the living room,|and you're talking. Blah, blah, blah.|Blah, blah, blah. Blah, blah, blah.
And when he's not looking, you drop it|on the ground like that. Blah, blah,|blah. Blah, blah, blah.
And when he turns around, you go,|''Oh, a five-dollar bill.
Look at that. Look at this.|Mr Blah-blah, would you like it back?''
And two things happen right away, okay?|First thing, he says, ''It's not mine.''
That's when you say, ''Must've been,|because it certainly isn't mine, sir.''
Or he says ''Thank you'' and takes it.|Either case...
he think's you are an incredibly|honest guy and you're in, see?
- Yeah, you're in. That's good.|- You start chippin' away at these|people, and that's the way you get in.
- Moe.|- Hey. Hey, gimme the five dollars.
- Hey, putz!|- Come on, Stanley. Let's go.
Look, Carly, me and Stanley.|Like a first date. your neighbourhood today.|Would you be interested in seeing--
You're gonna like|this business, Stanley.
Your time is your own. You make|good money. You meet a lot of girls.
What, you got a special bargain|when you bought this car?
It comes cheaper|without them windows?
Guys playin' tit for tat.|It's not my game.
- Lets play some hardball.|- What's goin' on here?
- Stanley, forget about it.|- I'm gonna find out everything|about this son of a bitch...
and then I'm gonna find the one thing|that cuts him right to the quick.
Let's go on inside,|make some calls.
Come on, BB.
I wonder if he's married.
Could I get some help|around here? Excuse me. I'm sorry.
Uh, could you tell me,|are these any good, do you know?|The-The television dinners.
I don't think so. Not a lot of them,|anyway. They're not too good for you.
My wife just died.
- Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.|- No.
- I'm over it now. It's been|a very trying time, though, you know?|- I can imagine.
I'm just learning|how to eat again.
You know what-what might be a lot more|healthy and satisfying would be|if you bought yourself a chicken.
You just-- You pop it in the oven|for a couple of hours, put a little bit|of seasoning on it.
- Cook it at low temperature.|It's a lot more tender that way.|- Chicken?
Yeah, it-it makes a good meal,|and then you can use the leftovers|for sandwiches and--
But you have to sit|and watch it cook.
It seems so sad, you know,|a man sitting alone...
in a house watching a chicken cook.
Well, you.. you use a timer.
- Pardon me?|- A timer! You know, it's..
- You-You have it with eggs?|- A timer, like.. Yeah, right.|That's a very good idea.
- Yeah.|- I never thought of that.|- He's an amazing sort.|He's got the gift.
What's the scoop?
- We got 'em!|- You're kidding.|- Take a look at that.
Are you fuckin' crazy? You gave away|$4,200 worth of aluminum siding free!
Sam, this is the best scam I've ever|thought of in my entire life.
Oh! It's in my blood, Sam.
I'm brilliant! I'm fuckin' brilliant!|This scam is so brilliant,|I'm beside myself!
- What are you talkin' about?|- All right. Here it is.
You go back into the house,|and this is what you say.
No. Mr Tilley's crazy.|He had a nervous breakdown.
- What's that?|- Well, he's been under a lot of|pressure recently, and he just snapped.
I mean, it's the saddest thing|you've ever seen.
But let's be honest. Nobody gives away|$4,200 worth of aluminum siding free.
I thought it was very generous.|Sometimes the Lord moves|in mysterious directions.
''Mysterious directions''?|Let me tell you something.
When I go see his boss|and show him this contract,|he'll be out of this business.
He'll lose his home. His wife and kids|will be thrown on the street.
- They'll probably end up|in an institution.|- Why do they have to be thrown out|into the street?
You don't think his boss is gonna|pick up a $4,200 job, do ya?
- Hmm.|- Can I have a cup of coffee?
- Won't be a minute.|- What do you say we just sit down|and try to work this out?
Maybe we could|flgure out something.
Whoo! I'm a genius!|I'm outta the slump!
- Oh, we gotta celebrate.|Let's go celebrate.|- Let's go.
- Let's go.|- We're gonna have|a little laughs tonight.
I tell you something. I couldn't believe|you could pull it off, but you did.
''This job is free!''
{y:i}The one good thing
{y:i}In my life
{y:i}- Has gone away|- To Mrs Ernest Tilley.
{y:i}I don't know why
{y:i}She's gone away
{y:i}I don't know where
{y:i}Somewhere I can't|{y:i}follow her
- Whenever it came time|to measure a job...|{y:i}- The one good thing
- he'd cut the yardstick and|re-glue it back together, you see?|{y:i}- Didn't stay too long|- No.
- He took out seven inches so his|square footage would always be higher.|{y:i}- My back was turned
- That way he'd always make|a few extra bucks on the job.|{y:i}- And she was gone|- Are you serious?
-Oh, yeah. He'd always put his hand over|the break when it came time to measure.|{y:i}-Good thing, where have you gone
- Mm-hmm.|- Nobody.. Nobody ever look's at|a yard'stick to see how long it is.|{y:i}- Good thing
- The man was a fuckin' genius.|{y:i}- You've been gone too long|- I'd love to meet him.
Maybe you will someday,|Stanley, if you play your cards right.
{y:i}People say I should forget
{y:i}Theres plenty more|{y:i}Don't get upset
{y:i}People say she's doin' fine
{y:i}Mutual friends I see sometime
{y:i}That's not what|{y:i}I-I-I want to hear
{y:i}- I want to hear|- Guys got a million scams.|- Oh, God.
{y:i}- She wants me near|- Hey, it's all right.|That's not your wife.
- It's safe. You can come up now.|{y:i}- Good thing
{y:i}Where have you gone
{y:i}- My good thing, you been gone too long|{y:i}- Good thing
{y:i}Then one day|{y:i}she came back
{y:i}I was so happy|{y:i}that I didn't ask
{y:i}I should've known
{y:i}- It couldn't last|- Scotch straight up?|- Yeah.
{y:i}- Morning came awful fast|- Uh, scotch straight up and a rum and|Coke for me down at the end of the bar.
- Ooh! Look's like there's|good action here tonight, Sammy.|{y:i}- Morning came
- Must be half-price night for|divorced women. This place is hoppin'.|{y:i}- Into my room
Oh, Sammy boy!|$2,700 sale.
- This job is free, huh?|What a beaut, huh?|{y:i}- Good thing
- I'm outta the slump, Sam.|I'm ridin' high! I'm back!|- You did it, pal.
- Sam, to us.|- To us.|{y:i}- Good thing, you been gone too long
- Whoo!|- Ya kn.. Ya know somethin', Tilley?
- I'm beginnin' to believe in God.|- Yeah, me too.
No, you don't know what I mean.|I'm beginnin' to give God more thought.
Whoa, wait. Oh, you were.. you were|never one of those atheists, were ya?
Me? Uh, no, no.|Look, I'm not sayin' that. I'm just...
beginnin' to believe|in God more, that's all.
Well, what'd you.. what'd you do,|have some kind of religious experience?
Yeah, well, I took my wife for lunch|yesterday. We went and had some|smorgasbord, and it kinda happened.
- At the smor--|You found God at the smorgasbord?|- Yeah.
- Oh. Oh, well,|that's a good place to find God.|- I go there, and I see celery.
- No. I see celery. I see lettuce,|tomatoes, cauliflower, and I think:|- Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
- All these things come outta the|ground. They just grow outta the ground.|- Yeah.
- Yeah.|- I mean, they had corn-- outta|the ground. Radish, outta the ground.
- Mm-hmm.|- And you say to yourself, ''How can all|these things come outta the ground?''
- Yeah.|- Ya know what I'm talkin' about?|- Yeah.|- All these things are outta the ground.
- I know. They just kinda--|- I mean, how can that be?|Outta the dirt, all these things came.
And I'm not even getting|into the fruits. I'm just dealing|with the vegetables right now.
With all these things coming out|of the earth, there must be a God.
Yeah, well, I'm not gettin' the same|religious effect that came over you.
I mean, I don't know why I don't feel|like runnin' to a church...
to pray right this second,|if you know what I mean.
- Ya gotta admit, it's amazing.|Nature. Outta the ground.|- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And anything you name,|it's outta the ground.|- I don't believe it.
Look-- Look over there. See that guy|standin' there, that little son|of a bitch?
- Yeah.|- He's the guy that crashed into my car.|- That's him?
Look at him.|Little Lord Fauntleroy.
- Mr Banana Head is here.|- Who's Mr Banana Head?
That's the crazy guy that banged|into my car, smashed my windows in.
- I don't believe it. I'm gonna get him!|- Hey, wait a minute!
- I'm gonna get 'im.|- Wait. I'll go with ya.
- Well, I hope so. Yeah.|- Can I buy you a drink?|{y:i}- I was so happy
{y:i}That I didn't ask
{y:i}- I should've known it couldn't last|- He vanished. There he is.
- Really? That sounds great.|{y:i}- Morning came awful fast
You got a lotta nerve|bangin' into my car...
but you got one hell of a lotta nerve|smashing my windows in.
Why would I wanna|smash your windows?
- You didn't smash my windows in?|- Hey, I'm a hard-workin' guy.
I don't go around|smashin' peoples windows.
- You did not smash my windows in?|You did not smash my windows in?|{y:i}- Good thing
- You poke me one more time, and I'm|gonna have to redefine your face!|{y:i}- Good thing
- Aha!|- All right, wait!|- Hey, take it outside!
- Hey, wait!|- Get your mitts off!|- Comin' through!|- No, no, no, no! Hand's off!
We don't do this inside.|We take it outside, all right?
- We settle this in the parking lot.|{y:i}- Good thing|- Oh, no. You're not gonna get near|my car again.
Hey, wait a minute. I didn't even drive|tonight. You wanna duke it? Let's go!
- After you.|- Oh, no, after you.|- Thank you very much.
- I'm not gonna turn my back|on that son of a bitch.|- Excuse me.
- What's up?|- Carly.|- Don't worry. We're behind ya.|- What's the problem, Moe?
- I don't know, but let's find out.|- Come on. Easy, guys.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey.|Where you goin'?|- I've had enough of this.
- Go ahead and give them a lot of room.|- Where are we goin'?|- It's not gonna take long.
- I'm tellin' ya.|- Look at this guy.|- Quit waltzin' around, huh?
Hey, hey,|where ya goin', Timbuktu?
- Come on.|- Look at the size of this one.|- A beatings a beating, no matter|where you get it.
- Enough is enough, I'll tell you that.|- Where ya goin'?|- Right here. Right here. Right here.
- Is this where you want it? Huh? Yeah?|- What is this? What is this?
- Hey, hey, uh, we didn't ask|for a crowd, ya know?|- Right.
- Uh, we're not charging admission.|Come on. Back up. Gimme some room.|- Back up. Spread out.
- Come on. Back up.|Give the guy some room.|- Hold my watch.
- Let's have some room here.|- Come on. Back it up.|- Come over here a second.
- Spread out.|- Huh?|- Hey, ease off. Ease off.|- All right, all right.
- Step back a little bit.|- Yeah.
- Come on. Gimme some room, all right?|- All right.|- Come on. Stand back.
- Give him some room.|- Back up there.|- Hey, hey. Ease off, huh?
- Hey, I mean it. Let's|have some room here, guys. Come on.|- All right. Back up, guys. Come on.
- Move back.|- Ease off!|- Give 'em a little room.
- You ready?|- Yeah, I'm ready.
- You ready?|- You ready? Let's go.|- Back up. Police.
You're a lucky man|the police showed.
You think so, huh?|We'll see who's lucky.
- Your mother call the police?|Get a load of this guy.|- We'll see who's lucky.
- Your mother call the cops?|- You pansy-ass.|- Tough guy, aren't ya?
- You want Chinese?|- I can go for some wonton soup.|- Let's go.
- Surprise!|- Oh, my God! I never expected this!
- What a lovely cake!|- Yeah, register him for his|social security number.
Ada, if you're smart,|you won't come back.
Come on. What are you waiting for?|Blow out the candles now.
Well, nine candles.|One for every month.
{y:i}Oh, she may be weary
- It look's wonderful!|- Can I have a piece?|{y:i}- Girls, they do get weary
So, what's new?
-I just decided. I'm goin' out with him.|-You're kidding.
- No.|- You're kidding.|- No, I'm not kidding.
- You're kidding!|- I have to. I have to!|{y:i}- They get weary
I wanna know what it's like|to be with someone else.
'Cause if what I've got with Tilley|is as good as it gets, I just..
- I gotta know.|- Well, you're right.
- You and Tilley aren't exactly Jackie|and John F., but you are..|- Will you stop with that?
Well, how are you|gonna manage it?
Tilley doesn't even get in|till 2:00 in the morning.
Oh, God! I hope you|know what you're doing.
- I don't know what I'm doing.|- You speak to some guy|in the frozen-food section..|- Shh, shh, shh, shh.
- You could jeopardize|your whole marriage.|- I.. Oh!
You know, everything|I've ever done in my whole life|has been safe and practical...
and what's it gotten me?
Here's to who knows what.
{y:i}In the wee small hours
{y:i}Of the morning
{y:i}While the whole wide world|{y:i}is fast asleep
{y:i}You lie awake
{y:i}And you think about the girl
- Guess I'm still a little nervous.|{y:i}- And never ever think
- You wanna go home?|{y:i}- Of counting sheep|- No.
Not right away.
{y:i}- When your lonely heart|- You know, every time I hear Sinatra...
- I remember the time I was working|in Atlantic City as a busboy...|{y:i}- Has learned its lesson
{y:i}- You'd be hers if only|- and Sinatra was singing|at the 500 Club.
- We used to say to our dates,|''You wanna go over and hear Sinatra?''|{y:i}- She would call
{y:i}- In the wee small hours|- And we'd take 'em to the alley|behind the club.
- And we'd lean against the door|and listen to the music.|{y:i}- Of the morning
- I think the girls were expecting|something a little more uptown.|{y:i}- That's the time
{y:i}You miss her most of
- I'd go with you and lean|against the door.|{y:i}- All
{y:i}Most of.. You miss her..
{y:i}Of all
{y:i}- Most of|- You got good aim.
- I sure do.|{y:i}- All
{y:i}It's not for me to say
May I have the number|to the Belvedere Hotel, please?
I put it all together myself, huh?|It's, like...
- the red is with this|and blue because of my eyes.|- Yeah, yeah.
-John Edgar Howard room.|- May I speak to Mr Tilley, please?
Yeah, he's here. Just a minute.|Hey, Tilley!
- Wilson.|- Somebody want's you on the phone!
- You got nothin' that matches there.|- Yeah. Oh.
Well, the black has got|the stripes on it.
- We argued, so I said, ''Forget it.''|- What do you think?
Yeah, thanks.|Yeah, it's Tilley here.
Hey, asshole.|This is the ultimate ''fuck you.''
- I just poked your wife.|- What are you talkin' about?
Yeah, she's in my bed right now|with a very big smile on her face.
Well, that's just fine by me.|She's a pain in the ass...
an albatross around my neck.
You're welcome to her. Keep her!|And may you both rot in hell!
{y:i}And speaking just for me
Is this a set-up?
Oh, that son of a bitch!|He set me up.
I thought I got him. He got me.|That son of a bitch! He set me up!
Time to hit the road, Nora.
Darn dresses! There you go!
Oh, you came with a suitcase.
Go on a nice little trip.
All of it. Sweaters.
Sweaters. Oh.|Arrange 'em real nice.
Yeah, curtains. There.|Get out of there!
Oh, and take these frilly things,|won't ya? Won't ya? Won't ya?
Those too!
Yeah, it's all gotta go. It's all goin'.|It's all goin'. It's all goin'.
Out! Out! Out!
Gloves and scarves.
Toiletries! Yeah.
Curlers! Spray-net!|All this crap!
All right.
Fuck it! What else?
Knitting. You don't wanna|leave me without your knitting.
I'm a free man!|I'm a free man!
{y:i}In the wee small hours
{y:i}Of the morning
{y:i}While the whole wide world|{y:i}is fast asleep
{y:i}You lie awake
{y:i}And you think about the girl
{y:i}And never ever think
{y:i}Of counting sheep
{y:i}When your lonely heart
{y:i}Has learned its lesson
{y:i}You'd be hers|{y:i}if only she would call
{y:i}- In the wee small hours of the morning|- Oh, my God!
{y:i}That's the time
{y:i}You miss her most
{y:i}Of all
He must've gone crazy.|I don't know what happened.
You know, I mean, he must've|found out I was with you.
I.. I don't know..|I don't know what to do.
- Can I stay with you a day or two?|- Sure.
{y:i}- When your lonely heart|- Sure.
- Hello?|- This is Mason-Dixon|Aluminum Siding Company.
- Would you be interested|in our field representative?|- There's three or four horses I like|on the whole card.
- I like number two.|- Tilley, in the offlce.
Yeah, well, give me a minute|to get a cup of coffee, Wing.
What about Super Highway|in the seventh race?
He's paying seven-to-one.|He ran well the last time out.
Super Highway with Gomez up.|That's good. I like that.
Number four in the fourth, 20 bucks.
- Who's that?|- I don't know. It just came to me.
I put my hand to my forehead.|Four in the fourth.
Number four in the fourth?|Rider's Revenge.
Sixty to one, never been in the money.|Nice pick, Tilley.
Rider's Revenge. I like that name.|It's good.
You like that name?|I'll give you a better name. Putz.
Hey, we can be scientiflc|from now to doomsday.
Every once in a while, we gotta|use our balls and go for the big one.
-You know what I mean?|-Tilley, it's got nothing to do with it.
You gotta take the paper,|figure what the horse can do...
what their past record is, what they're|doin' now, you know what I mean?
There are things called jockeys:|they get on top of the horse.
Hey, Wing, what's up?
- Ow!|- You lost a sale, Tilley.
- The Hudsons loan didn't go through.|- What do you mean, they wouldn't|clear the loan?
Oh, this guy's a real beauty. He's got|three out'standing shoplifting charges...
failure to pay child support|in a previous marriage.
The guy's overdue on his mortgage,|overdue on his car payment...
and he just lost his job|for misappropriation of funds.
What's wrong with this world?
I mean, what,|there are sick people out there!
Thieving son of a bitch|like that takes up my time...
cuts into the amount of hours|I have available...
to deal with other people|who are interested in my wares.
There's no fuckin' sympathy for|the working man in this country!
- Nobody said it was gonna be easy.|- Sh..
- Did you read the paper?|- What section?
Take a look at this.
- ''Ocean-front recreational--''|- No, no, no, no, no!
''Home Improvement Commission.''
''Home Improvement Commission|hearings begin today.''
Well, what the hell is this?|McCarthyism?
What do they expect to find?|Communists?
-Just go easy on the scams, Tilley.|- Damn.
Bear with me a minute,|if you will, please.
All right, all right.|Here, here. Here it is.
Now, when you made your initial|sales pitch, did you indicate...
that you would be giving a free set|of storm windows with the job?
- Free storm windows?|- Yes, that you would provide a free set|of storm windows with the sale|of aluminum siding.
No, sir. I wouldn't be able|to make any money if I was|giving away storm windows.
-My storm windows cost me somewhere in..|-Yeah, the point being...
that you had no intention of|giving away the storm windows.
Uh, no, sir, storm windows,|as I recall, was not the issue.
So you weren't dangling|a free set of storm windows...
as a come-on to selling them|the aluminum siding job?
No, sir, I merely told the folks|that the storm windows...
would enhance|the beauty of their house.
- What do we make of all this?|- ...down on their heating bill..
I think it's the future, Moe.
- Where do you think they're|getting all this information from?|- I don't know.
But any tin man gets into|that hot seat, he's had it.
Yeah, they take away your licence|forever. It just don't seem fair.
Boy, I bet I could sell|a ton of these things.
What? This?|Nah, too silly-lookin'.
- You ever see a dealership?|- Nah-uh.
Tilley, I found this on your desk|while I was going over some papers.
IRS? I never remember seeing it.|I must've left it with my other bills.
- I wonder what it is.|- Maybe it's a refund cheque.
Hmm. Huh, well...
it says here|they haven't received my 1961 taxes.
''According to our records..''|They haven't..
- They didn't get my cheque for $4,000.|- Well, it must be a clerical error.
I..I can't believe they spend all this|time and energy to write to me,|to single me out.
If I hear that song one more time,|Sammy, I'm gonna bust.
What are you talkin' about?|You didn't pay your taxes?
Well, I probably forgot. People forget|to pay their taxes all the time.
I got so many things on my mind.|It just slipped my mind.
I figured they could wait a few years.|It's not like they need my money|to build a bomber.
You think they're waiting for|my money to build a new road?
What, are they sitting up there at|the hill going, ''Oh, it's time to go see|that fellow on Pimlico Row.
We can't run this government|without his $4,000.''
This is just what I need in my life|right now. I'm in a slump:
I'm at war with a crazy Pollack;|and I got the IRS on me.
I mean, like, it's like when things|go wrong, i-it's, uh.. whoo!
I wanna tell you something.|She's getting on my nerves.
- Who, Nora?|- Yeah. Yeah. Who else is it gonna be?
''Who, Nora?''|Who else is there?
The whole idea of being with a girl|on consecutive night's is new to me,|you know.
It's not like being|with a girl for a night.
When they live with you,|it's like pressing the point.
They bring all these things|with 'em, you know? Like,|you go into the bathroom...
you see things you never saw before.
- So what's the to-do?|- Well, they-they-they|move all your stuff.
It's not where it used to be.|I'm just, uh.. I'm not used to it.
You mean, all this time|you never lived with a girl?
Have we met? Huh?
How long have we been|partners, for crying out loud?|No, I never lived with a girl.
Boy, oh, boy, you wake up|on the wrong side of the bed today?
Yes, I did.|I came home last night...
and she was sleeping|on my side of the bed.
My whole life,|I never got up on the left side.
I like the left side.
I came close once. A long time ago|in the Catskills, I met a girl, Dorian.
We were together for about a week.|But, no, no, no! You see...
it's not the same, because..
She used to go to her room to change|and to-to do all that stuff, you know?
She didn't bring her things|over to my room.
- There's people out here.|- I'm not making a scene.|I just want to..
- I'm going to work.|- All this because I'm trying|to get even with some guy.
You know what?|I'm gonna go see her, and I'm gonna..
I'm gonna put an end to this.
Is that him?
Yeah. Bill!
- Glad you stopped by. What a surprise!|- Listen. Listen, listen.
- I..I have a problem.|- Oh, how can I help?
Well, the problem|is-is, uh, you.
- You're the problem.|- Really? How so?
- Well, uh, there are these, uh,|things that are bothering me.|- Like what?
- Well, you know, things.|- Things?
Things. You know, stuff, like,|uh, stuff that comes up.
You know, like, uh, annoyances.
- Annoyances?|- It's very hard to explain.
- Yeah, well.. well, try.|- It's very..
All right, just as an example:|Last night I came home...
I get undressed and I realized that you|were sleeping on my side of the bed.
Now, this is the side of the bed|that I always sleep on, you know?
I mean, I..I..I've|always done that.
Well, why didn't you just|nudge me a little bit...
you know, ask me|to go to the other side?
I didn't wanna wake you up.
No, and I..I thought you'd think|it was silly or something.
- Well, it's easily changed.|- No, but there are other things...
you know, bigger things.
Oh, boy, just talking|about this now...
it sound's so silly.
You know, if you think|all this is, um...
going too fast,|maybe I should move out.
I think that's what you're trying|to tell me, Bill.
I really care for you, but, you know,|if you think it's best.
I don't want|to make you unhappy.
I don't think we have|to take any drastic action.
- I just thought I wanted|to get some things off my chest.|- Well, I'm glad that you did.
- I guess I just wanted to talk it out.|- No. You nip it in the bud.
- Yeah.|- Like adults.
Listen, uh, I'm gonna go catch the last|couple of races at Pimlico. Wanna come?
Oh, I gotta work.
I know that.
{y:i}Good thing
Go on, baby. Go on!|Come on, Paris Red!
That's it! Make your move!|Make me $4,000 richer. 40 to 1.
Come on. There's a guy who's got|100 buck's on you up here, Paris Red.
Let's go, baby! Come on. That's it.|That's it. Ride him. Go! Go!
$4,000, don't slip away!
Go, three. Go, three.|Come on, baby. Come on.
Ride him, you sucker.|Come on, Paris Red. Let's go, baby.
Let's go. Let's go. No! No!
{y:i}- Good thing|-Jeez.|- Yeah, I got myself a winner.
{y:i}Good thing
{y:i}Hey, hey, hey|{y:i}Ooh, ooh, ooh
Why don't you go to H & R Block|and get your taxes straightened out?
And have some guy rake me|over the coals for spendin'|on this and that? No, thanks.
You got some green.|Give the government somethin'.
Fuck 'em. Right now, I got $163 in|my pocket, and I ain't partin' with it.
It's like some guy tryin'|to sell me life insurance.
You think I want to take money out of|my pocket to give it to some jerk...
so that somebody can take it|when I'm dead?
No way, Sam.|You gotta live for today.
I'm gonna live as good as I can|every day. You know what I'm sayin'?
Only too well.
Hey! Mr Merengue|went to the track.
Did you bother to bet, or did you just|hand your money to the tellers?
Heh. Your sarcasms killin' me.
I thought you were lookin'|to get even, pal.
I don't know who|your accountant is, mister...
but the way I count,|you're down on the debit side.
- Oh, yeah?|- Yeah.|- Who's stuck with my wife, you or me?
Then you win.
I win?
- That guy'd never let me win.|- For cryin' out loud,|let it go at that. You win!
I couldn't have won.|I smell a rat.
What do you think if we made this|one of our factory showcase houses?
- Whats that mean, Mr Gable?|- Well, you know what I do, Alan?
I pick certain houses|that are strategically located.
We put up the aluminum siding,|and for every referral, I give you $200.
- Two hundred dollars?|- That's right.
Now, God knows how many homes we could|sell by people passing this house.
It's perfectly located for that.
Alan, put out your hand.
100, 200, 300, 400.
Alan, I'm giving you commission|on two referrals...
before I even put a panel|on the side of this house.
That's how confident I feel.
- Y-You think that many|people are gonna drive..|- Oh, I'm certain.
I'm not givin' away $400|for my health.
I'm a businessman.|I'm a good businessman...
and this is good business for me.
I'm giving it to you|because I believe in this house..
believe it will refer other job's to me,|which is money in my pocket...
which is money in your pocket.
- You got a deal, Mr Gable.|- You're a wise man, sir..
- Are you..|- That's great.|- Are you all right, sir?
Moe! Moe!
- Finally got a hold of May.|She was at her sisters.|- Oh, I forgot.
- She'll be here right away.|- BB, I don't have any insurance.
If I die, May's got nothing. Nothing.|There's nothing for Leonard.
The only money I got is what I got|in my pocket. That's all I got.
-Just take it easy, Moe.|- Did they sign?
- Don't worry about that now.|- God damn it, BB, did you sign 'em?
Don't worry about it.|We'll, we'll take care of it tomorrow.
Goddam, my chest hurts.|BB, I always told you...
never walk out of a place|without a signature.
Someones word ain't spit.
Look, I, uh, I never.. This is all|kind of new to me, you know? So, uh..
Uh, I thought I'd better call.
You know, to tell you|that I'm gonna be late.
I don't know, maybe, uh,|two or three hours.
I never, uh, had anyone to call before,|but I thought I'd better...
you know, call, that's all.
W..Well, why? Do you feel like you have|some kind of obligation or somethin'?
No, no, no. No, I..I..I..I don't know.|I just thought it was|a good idea to call...
is, is-is what I was gonna do.
{y:i}I don't know what's|{y:i}gonna happen to Moe.
I hope he's okay.
{y:i}I'll see you when you get in.
- Mouse, figure this out, will ya?|- Why don't we just split it four ways?
No way! Whoa, whoa!|Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold it.|I didn't eat anything.
- Now, M..Mouse eat's like an animal.|He eat's enough to feed Peru.|- Wait. Wait a minute.
Sometimes you eat more than he eats.|It'll even out.
Uh-uh! No-No-No way. I don't eat--|I never eat as much as him.
He always eats more than anybody else.|I'm not gonna pay for his food.
What are you talkin' about?|Today I happened to have...
some eggs and flapjacks,|some cantaloupe..
the cantaloupe was excellent..|some juice and then another juice.
Is that all? I'd get the truck in here.|What are you talkin' about here?
- Like an animal, you eat.|- But, but, but what did|I have yesterday?
I don't know what you had.|What..What'd he have, Sam?
Wait. I'll get my notebook out.|How the fuck do I know what he had?
Well, I don't remember what he had.|Gil, what did he have?
- Pancakes.|- No.
- Then what'd you have?|- Guess.
W.. What is this, a quiz show? Wh.. What|did you have? Tell us what you had.
- I had very little.|- Very little. You eat like an animal.|It couldn't have been very little.
I didn't have that much.|Doesn't anybody remember?
- We don't remember. I don't know why.|- I could've sworn he had pancakes.
- Oh, he said he didn't have pancakes.|- I'll give you a clue.
- Maple syrup was involved.|- Uh, I don't give a shit.
- French toast.|- French toast?|He had more than French toast.
- Yes, but not a lot.|- Look, I don't give a damn.|We'll split it four ways, all right?
Hey, Tilley, Tilley. Your wife|is knockin' on the window here, okay?
All right. Well, everyone divvy it up,|and I'll make good for four ways.
Jesus Christ.
It was not long ago you never|would have seen a woman in here.
You don't have to tell me. How many|times did you drop me off and come|up here till all hours of the morning?
- I know. I was just|tryin' to be congenial.|- I wasn't.. I wasn't starting anything.
- Let's keep the conversation on a kind|of nice, light level, you know?|- Yeah. It's light.
Yeah. All right.|So, what's the scoop, Nora?
Well, you know, I thought|w.. we should really get divorced.
Makes sense.|Want some more coffee?
- Yeah. Yeah, I'll have some. Yeah.|- Florence?
- Could we have some more coffee here?|- I'm busy. Give me a minute.
- Yeah, well, it's for the best.|- Yeah, uh, yeah.
- You know, we were kind of|foolin' ourselves there.|- Yeah, we were.
- You know, it went wrong|somewhere along the line.|- Yeah.
I don't remember where,|though, but, you know.
You used to make me laugh,|Tilley, you know? You used to..
You used to really make me laugh.
- Yeah. lt went wrong|somewhere. I don't know.|- It went wrong, yeah.
- So you really like this guy?|- Yeah, yeah, I like him.
All in all, I guess it all|worked out for the best.
- I'm glad you feel that way.|- Yeah.
I mean, can you flgure it out?|A guy bangs into my car...
think's I did him in, tries to get even|with me by stealin' my wife,|you two fall in love.
- Can you flgure that out?|- What?
- You tellin' me you|didn't know that was the guy?|- This was that guy?
I told you I bumped into|another tin man.
No, no, no, no. No, he.. No, he|didn't tell me he was a tin man.
- He said he sold baby pictures.|- Hi there.
It's your life. All I know|is this guy's got a bent weathervane.
Oh, God. Oh, God,|not another tin man.
- He didn't.. He didn't tell you|he was the guy that smashed my car?|- No.
Can you beat..|I can't believe this. This is..
- Uh, Nora, are you okay?|- Um.. No, I'm not okay.
You want me to get you|a Bromo-Seltzer or somethin'?
- W-W-W-We..|- No, no, no, it's fine. I'm fine.
- I'm sorry. I..|- I'm fine.|- Well, you know, this guy..
- I'm tellin' you, the guy is nuts.|- Yeah, yeah. I know. I know.
- I told you he attacked me|in the middle of the street.|- Excuse me. I have|to go to the bathroom.
- Are you crazy?|- You're a goddam tin man!
Uh, wait a minute.|Wait! Wait a minute!
Wait! Wait a minute!
You wanted to win me just to get even|with my husband. Screw you!
Jeez, I'd get rid of that car.|It's bad luck.
- That that guy again?|- It's his wife.
His wife?
There's definitely some kind|of sickness that runs in that family.
What, is he gonna teach|everybody the song now?
Oh, he's terriflc.|I got a lesson with him at 3:30.
You'll both be|out the window at 4:00.
- Take a look at this crap.|- What, the IRS?|They don't wanna leave me alone.
Home improvement commission.
- They're serious.|- What, we gotta appear?
- It seems to be the gist|of what they're saying.|- Holy Christ.
- Can't we ignore it? I mean,|how do they know we got the letter?|- It's certifled.
- What do you think about this?|- I don't know.
- I don't know what they got.|- Why are all these things|happenin' to me?
{y:i}Life has been quiet
{y:i}Since you've been gone
{y:i}It's no fun
{y:i}Burnin' for one
Look at these.|They're not that bad, huh?
Come on, Beeb. Let's dance.
No, thank's, Ruthie.|My dancing shoes are on holiday.
- Are you sure?|- More than sure.
- So who's the best you ever saw?|- Best what? The best|tin man I ever saw?
- Sure.|- Well, Harry Fennerman.
Dandy Flynn had a couple of good lines,|but they burned themselves out too fast.
Best tin man I ever saw was Moe.
Moe is the best there ever was.
If he could get into the door,|he had a sale.
- What are some of the scams he pulled?|- Goddam Nora.
Goddam. I'm tryin'|to adjust, you know?
I'm tryin' to put up with things|I never put up with before in my life.
Give me a break.|Give me a break, woman.
- What are some of the hustles|you and Moe used to pull?|- It was gettin' to be real pleasant.
Can you figure that?
More than pleasant.|Ah, hell with her.
What is it made Moe so good?
I bet she went home to her husband.
- Can you tell me some|of the stories about Moe?|- What time does this say?
- It's about 11:30. It's early.|- He wouldn't be home yet.
Here. Here, you take that...
and let it pay for the,|uh, what-do-you-call-it.
I'll see you, Stanley.
They got no right.|You know what I'm sayin', Sam?
They got no right. Commission!
Listen to me. They got|nothing concrete against us...
because if it's just hearsay stuff,|it's neither here nor there.
Where's my car? Why am I not in my car?|What happened to my car?
It's better I drop you off.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, headache, headache, headache.
He's not here.
The blue Caddy.
I knew I could smell a rat.
That son of a bitch|is comin' for me.
You wanna rob my house?|I'll make it easy for ya.
Come on. Rob Tilley.|Take everything he's got.
Come on.
Tomatoes. Celery.
Mmm, that's Noras.|Meat. No, save that for tomorrow.
Eggs! Mmm!
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Wake up.
Come on. Wake up.
You're a sick man.
You smash my car, you steal my wife,|and now you come to rob me.
You're one demented human bein'.
I'm gonna call the police|and send you to jail.
But first,|I'm gonna humiliate ya.
What do you wanna break|into my house for? This ain't|the fuckin' Rockefeller mansion.
There ain't|38 television sets here.
It ain't like somebodys sayin',|''Nelson, I think we've had a break-in.
Count the set's to see|how many we got left.''
It ain't like there's tons of jewellery|hangin' out of the drawers...
or I don't know which watch to put on|in the morning, I got so many.
I got enough problems with|the IRS bullshit bustin' my balls...
and the home improvement|commission to contend with.
I don't need|aggravation from you.
How you like your eggs,|Babowsky? Over easy?
A guy breaks into my house,|and I'm bein' charged with assault.
It makes no sense.
- Let's get it down right.|- Yeah, let's-- Yeah.
- A guy broke into your house.|- Mm-hmm.
- You hit him in the head with a gun...|- Correct.
- went to the refrigerator...|- Right.
- took out eggs and tomatoes...|- Exactly.
- and threw them at him.|- Yeah. I was defending myself.
- He was comin' to steal from me.|- It doesn't sound like defence to me.
Well, I wanted to humiliate the guy.|Here I am, out bustin' my ass...
all day long,|trying to make an honest living.
I come home, and some schmuck|is stealin' from me.
So you hit him with a gun|and pelted him with eggs and tomatoes.
Yeah. I'd have thrown soup|at him if I had any soup.
Is there a law says|you can't throw eggs?
Mr Babowsky claims|he didn't break into your house.
Well, what did I do, invite him in|so I could throw eggs at him?
Maybe Mr Babowsky intended|to break into your house...
but these circumstances of him|bein' pelted with eggs and tomatoes|is somethin' we need to look into.
I can't believe this.
The guy throws eggs at me, and, uh,|and, uh, I'm havin' breakfast with him.
- You're gonna sit down with|this guy and come to some kind|of settlement, you understand?|- All right, all right, all right.
You gotta put an end to this thing.
Now sit on the paper.|I put paper out there for you.
- I don't want you gettin'|that egg all over my leather seats.|- Oh, boy, uh, you know, I..
Oh, okay. All right.
-Take your feet off the rug.|-What do you want me to do with my feet?
-Just suspend 'em|up in the air, all right?|- Oh, Christ. Okay.
- I had to clean the rug.|- Yep.
All right. Uh, let me tell you|what I'm willing to do.
Uh, I'm gonna drop|all the charges against you...
and we'll, we'll|wipe the slate clean.
- I appreciate it.|- You see how easy it is to clear it up?
Okay? That's it?|That's an end to it?
All right, let's eat. Yo, hon.
- Okay, here's your cheque.|- I don't know how the slate|get's wiped clean...
when he breaks into my house|and I'm the one charged.
N-N-N-N-No.. I told you|I was not breaking into your house.|I was looking for your wife.
- Hey, I thought we|were gonna put it to bed. Are we|gonna put it to bed or what? Okay?|- All right. It's okay.
- All right?|- I'm too tired.
The slate is clean,|clean as a whistle.
- What'll you have?|- Um...
I'd like, uh, eggs over,|uh, hash browns...
some toast, toasted dark,|butter on the side...
uh, large grapefruit juice|and some coffee.
On second thought, in.. in..|uh, instead of the eggs over...
if I order soft-boiled eggs,|how do you do it?
Do you take 'em out of the shell,|or you leave 'em in the shell?
- We leave 'em in the shell.|- I don't like it that way.
It's hot in the hand, and it's.. You|know, it's hard to scoop the stuff out.
It's not good. You get little bits of|shell in there. It doesn't taste good.
What do you say you just, uh, order some|eggs and let it go at that, all right?
Listen, if I'm gonna order, at least|I ought to be content with my food.
I'm a little hungry, you know?|And I got a headache,|and I got egg all over me and
Let's say you just, uh, order|some eggs and let some other people eat|before the lunch trade comes in.
Why do I need a man tellin' me|what I should or shouldn't eat, hmm?
Look. This isn't a four-star|restaurant, you know?
You're not, uh, you're not|gonna have a gourmet meal here.
You're just ordering some breakfast,|you know, that's all.
Well, it so happens, for your|information, I've never eaten|in this restaurant before...
and I don't know|how they do their eggs.
You see, if they're over easy|and they're gooey...
I'm not happy with it, and if they leave|the soft-boiled eggs in the shell...
- I'm not happy with that|either, you understand?|- Fine.
Can I have French toast and a cup|of coffee? What do you want, Bagel?
- Coffee..|- Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait|a minute. Excuse me. I'm ordering here.
At least have the courtesy|to let a man order his breakfast.
- French toast|and a cup of coffee, please.|- Sam, uh, the guy get's on my nerves.
- From day one, he got on my nerves.|I knew it then, I know it now.|- Oh, I am..
- I'm back to pressing charges|against this guy.|- Oh, you wanna play that way, huh?
Is that the way you wanna play?|Well, this game ain't over, mister.
- It ain't over.|- Hey, hey, hey, you wanna put|a stop to this right now, huh?
Because I am ready right now.|Right now! Let's go.
- You're ready?|- I'm ready.|- You're ready now?|- Let's finish it now!
- Come on! Let's finish it!|- Get the people with the straitjackets.
- This man is out of control.|- Come on. Let's finish it. Come on!
- Yeah?|- Come on! Let's finish it now.|- Yeah, I'm not finished..
- Let's get outta here.|- I'm not finished with him, Sam.|- Come on. Let's get outta here.
- I'm not finished with you, mister.|- You're not gonna prove.. Come on.|- You hear me? Huh?
- You hear me?|- You're not gonna prove|nothin' here. Let's go.|- Oh, come on.
- Come on. Come on.|- It's always the same|with this guy. You can't..
- Sam..|- That was French toast|and a cup of coffee. That's it.
Oh, God. Nora. Real pain in the ass.|You know that?
I mean it.|She's a real pain in the ass.
And it's worse now than|when she used to be around.|You wanna hear somethin'?
The other night at the Corral Club,|I turned down a dance.
-You turned down a dance?|-What do you think the odds are on that?
A hundred to one, BB don't dance.|A hundred to one against.
I'm gettin' outta the business, BB.
I got nothin' to show|for all this.
- Lotta good times, Moe.|- Yeah, a lotta good times.|You can't eat good times.
My brother-in-laws offered me a job at|Hess Shoes. I think I'm gonna take it.
Eh, you go to work in the morning,|you come home at night.|They got medical benefits.
I get to be assistant manager.
That's it?
That's the way you're gonna spend|your day, huh? Measuring people's feet.
''Well, sir, you have a high arch.|I think you need something|in an alligator...
with a wing tip.''
Not a lot to talk about all day.
You were the best tin man|that ever was, Moe.
Well, it's all over, BB.
It's over.
You know, when I saw 'Bonanza'|the other day, something occurred to me.
- Huh?|- You got these four guys|living on the Ponderosa...
and you never hear them saying anything|about wanting to get laid.
I mean, you, you never|hear Hoss say to Little Joe...
''I had such a hard-on|when I woke up this morning.''
- No, no, no, Sam, I've never.. never..|- I mean, they don't talk|about broads, nothin'.
- You never see them with|their dicks in their hands.|- You never.. Yeah, you never|hear Little Joe say, ''Hey, Hoss...
I went to Virginia City, and I|saw a girl with the greatest ass|I've ever seen in my life.''
They just walk|around the Ponderosa.|''Yes, Pa. Where's Little Joe?''
Nothin' about broads.|I don't think I'm being too picky...
but if at least once|they talked about getting horny.
I don't care if you live in the|Ponderosa or right here in Baltimore...
guys talk about getting laid.
I'm beginning to think that show|doesn't have too much realism.|What do you think?
Sam, I..I can't concentrate|on the 'Bonanza' bullshit.
I got too much on my brain.|What with that asshole and|the home improvement commission...
I don't wanna have to worry|about whether Little Joe|got laid last night, all right?
- Come on. Let's go and eat somethin'.|- All right.
- We'll go to a smorgasbord.|We'll get somethin' to eat.|- That's it.
God, if you're responsible|for all this stuff down here...
maybe you got a moments|attention for me.
Between the IRS|and this home improvement|commission and Mr Merengue, uh...
I..I'm just up to here|with all this bullshit.
To be frank with you,|I'm in the toilet.
Listen, uh, I'm prayin' here.|Will you go around?
I want to get some of the salad.
It's out of order. Go around.
Well, just do what you can,|all right?
I'd appreciate it. Amen.
Didn't you approach Mr Bolochevski|on August 18, 1961 ...
while he was cutting|his front lawn, and tell him that|his house had been selected...
one of only sixteen homes|in the state of Maryland...
for a free aluminum siding job?
- What was that name again?|- Bolochevski.
Uh, it doesn't ring a bell.|Does it ring a bell with you, Sam?
- It doesn't ring a bell|with me either, sir.|- Didn't you sugg..
Didn't you suggest that|for a nominal labour charge...
he would receive over $5,000 worth|of aluminum siding?
That's an awful lot for nothin'.|Doesn't sound like good business to me.
Mr Bolochevski was ultimately|charged $2,400 for labour...
which, according to our figures,|is about the average cost|of an aluminum siding job.
- I don't get the point of this.|- What we're getting at here..
the point we'd like to stress.. is that|the job was sold under false terms.
The man didn't win any award.|He wasn't getting any aluminum|siding at that special price.
A clear case of deception|is involved here.
- So what's he talkin' about?|- I don't know what he's talkin' about.|- The man got the job for $2,400?
- Which is what it costs|in aluminum siding.|- He got his moneys worth.
Yeah. Um.. I don't know.
I mean, uh, I.. we have no recollection|of this particular job.
Uh, but I don't know|if this is deception.
I mean, look, if you work|in a clothing store...
a guy tries on a suit|and look's like shit...
and you tell him,|''Wow, it's wonderful''...
I mean, there's a guy standin' there|lookin' like a sack o shit...
and the salesman says,|''Oh, what a beautiful suit.''
W.. Now that's deception,|as far as I can see.
If, if the man buys the suit,|I mean, you've deceived the man.
- I mean, do I make myself clear?|- I'll go along with that as well.
Yeah, I..I can't really see|the, the deception that you're|sayin' that we're responsible for.
Excuse us one minute.
Thank you very much, gentlemen.|Should there be a reason...
to call you back in the future,|we'd like to reserve that right.
Well, I'm glad|we could be of service.
Thank you.
We beat 'em, Sam.|We beat them. Piece o cake.
They got nothin' on us.|Clean as a whistle.
- I need a drink. I hate inquisitions.|- I like the story about the suit.
Mr Libidov? Hi. I represent|the Gibraltar Aluminum Siding Company...
- and we're going|to have a representative|in your neighbourhood today.|- Would you be interested in..
Would you be interested to..|Would you be interested in seeing...
the benefits|of our aluminum product?
- I know it sound's incredible, sir.|- Well, we do aluminum siding--
Nora Tilley, please.
Uh, eh, social security.
I don't know. She's, eh.. She's up|there somewhere on the third floor.
She's got a.. What do you call it?|A desk up there.
Stanley? Can I help you|look for somethin' in there?
Uh, no. I'm just|makin' myself busy.
Well, I wouldn't do that. Bagel|don't like nobody lookin' in the flles.
- Mrs Tilley.|- Nora, this is BB.
- May I talk to you?|- I don't wanna see you any more.
-Just give me a chance to explain.|- I don't wanna listen!
- You owe me that much.|- I don't owe you anything.
It was a lousy thing to do, okay!
It was a lousy thing to use you|to get back at your husband...
but the fact is, I never|would've met you otherwise.
It was a lousy thing.|It was a disgusting, terrible thing.
But a lot of good came out of it.
Will you just|tell me somethin'? I..
Just tell me what kind of person|comes up with such a devious thing.
I'm not such a nice guy all the time.|Okay? I admit that.
I have a lot of training in deceit,|you know? It's an occupational hazard.
I wanna know what it is about me|that I have to fall for tin men.
I mean, what kind|of character flaw do I have?
I didn't wanna come here.|You know?
I didn't wanna have|to ever see you again.
I got this far in my life|without ever having this kind|of stuff happen to me, you know?
I was doin' okay in my life. I was|sailin' along pretty good, you know?
And then all of a sudden, I decided|to, to get even with some crazy guy...
and I'm, I'm, uh.. I'm here.
The wet becomes you.
It get's rid of|some of the slickness.
I hate the fact that I'm not|in control of this stuff.
But if I gotta have this stuff|in my life, well...
I guess I have no choice.
I wanna..
You know?
I wanna be with you. Okay?
Okay, I said it.|I've said it, and I'm glad.
I wanna be with you...
because I miss you|and I love you...
and I wanna marry you.
And that's that.
I was hopin' for somethin'|a little more romantic.
But okay.
{y:i}Social security
{y:i}That goes on together
I don't understand this. The broad|smashes his car, he takes her dancing.
Must be a dating ritual|I'm not familiar with.
Are ya gonna come home|with me tonight?
Well, I don't know. All my stuff's over|at Nellie's on the other side of town.
I'll tell you what:|I..I'll go back to the house.|There's a few things I left behind.
Yeah. Yeah, I'll spend the night.
- BB's a pretty good|tin man, though, huh?|- Pretty good?
Jeez, the man's|what legend's are made of.
He started sellin' pot's and pans|door to door when he was 16.
There's nothin' he can't sell.
I'm glad this is workin' out.
- You're really happy, huh?|- Yeah.
You don't show a great deal|of exuberance, you know.
Well, honey, for me,|I'm a parade.
{y:i}You give me
{y:i}You show me
''United States|Government seizure.''
- What happened?|- IRS. They need my furniture.
They got a livin' room somewhere in|the country that need's to be furnished.
- They're takin' the furniture?|- Furniture, the whole house.
Locked it up.|Confiscated it.
Well, what do you expect, you know?|You expect some preferential treatment?
You're some special case?
You gotta pay your taxes just like|everyone else has to pay their taxes.
Oh, no, that seems|to be a responsibility|you just can't get a handle on.
Oh, I was doin' pretty good there|for a while.
I had my house, had a wife...
a Cadillac.
I still got the Cadillac.
- So where ya gonna sleep?|- I'll stay at Sam's...
for a couple nights|until I get set up.
What are you doin' here anyway?
Well, I thought there might|just be a couple things you|didn't throw out of the house...
a couple things, you know,|I didn't find on the lawn.
I don't know. I did a pretty good|house cleanin' number on ya.
Listen. About the divorce,|do you wanna flle or should I file?
Nora, I gotta level with ya.|This guy is nuts.
He told me all about it.. all about|how you threw eggs at him, and all..
- He told you it was about eggs?|- No, not it was about eggs. He said..
- The guy tried to break into|my house and steal things from me.|- No.
He was lookin' for me.|He.. We had an argument.
If you marry this guy,|it'd be the biggest mistake|you ever made in your life.
Oh, no. No, no, no. It's not|for you to make decisions for me.
- I.. I think I should.|I think you're bein' misled.|- Ah.
- I think.. I think you're|confused about this whole..|- I know what I'm doin'.
- Nora, Nora, I know about guys.|- Yeah, well, I appreciate|your concern...
- but it's not for you to make|decisions for me any more.|- But this guy is about as bad|a choice as you can make.
- Bad choice.|- You're a good one to give advice.|Look at you.
You're sittin' on your porch|locked outta your house.|You can't even pay your taxes...
and you want to give me|advice on life?
I'm not givin' you a divorce,|and that's it.
I mean, I'm lookin' out|for your welfare. No divorce.
Look. It's for your own benefit,|and you'll thank me for it.
My benefit?
You don't give a damn about me.|You don't give a damn about who I marry.
The reason you don't want me|to marry him is because he's|the man takin' your wife...
and you got.. you got|this thing with him.
It has nothin' to do with me.|That's all. That's all.
You don't care about me.|It's the same bullshit you're doin'.
That's the way|it always is with you, Tilley.|It's.. It's always you. It's you.
Look.. The IRS, they're takin' your|house. They're takin' your furniture.
You don't say anything about|my things in the house, you know?
I got things in that house|I worked damn hard for...
things that were given|to me by my family.
The headboard was.. was given|to me by Aunt Josephine.
That's gotta be at least a hundred..|you know.. fifty years old or..
You know, it's old. And, and the|hand-embroidered footstool and, and..
What.. What footstool?
The hand-embroidered footstool|over by the TV. You..
I don't remember seein' that.
It's Granny's. It's.. It's been there|forever. It belonged to my granny.
It's been there forever?|I've never seen it.
That's the way it is|with you, Tilley. You just.. It..|It doesn't mean anything to you.
You, you don't care|if they take it all away.
It's all you, Tilley.
It's all it's ever been.
Hand-embroidered footstool?
- Here.|- Thank's for the lift back, BB.
Okay, Stanley.
See ya around.
You know somethin', Stanley?|I could always smell a man|that's not made of tin.
Stealing files is against the law.
I could call the cops right now.|You'd be in jail.
No, uh, I'll, I'll put it back,|and nobody's the wiser.
You're from the commission,|aren't you?
The commission doesn't have enough|information, huh? They gotta hire|guys like you to snoop around?
We're just starting out.|I..If I can get...
some good, hard facts|of some infractions, then we'll|have credibility in the community.
You know what your big problem is,|Stanley? You're lazy.
You wanna find out some stuff?
Did it ever occur to you to pick up a|phone and develop a lead, huh? Canvass?
That's what we do all the time. That|doesn't occur to you, does it, Stanley?
Because you're lazy.
You think we did something wrong,|why don't you collect your evidence|in a legal manner?
But you don't like that, do you?|You wanna snoop around.|You wanna steal some files.
Huh? What is this?|Eliot Ness or something?
What's goin' on here? Huh?
You think this is some|big-time drug ring, Stanley?
What do you think,|you're infiltrating the Mafia?
We're just a bunch of guys|tryin' to sell some aluminum|'siding, for cryin' out loud.
You want some files,|I'll give you some files.
Here's some of the job's that I've done.|Leave Moe out of it.
He's quit the business.
Why are you doing this?
Maybe if I talked to him another day,|he'll change his mind.
You know, he's like that.|I mean, one day he's one way...
- and another day he's another way.|- Nah, there's no need to talk to him.
He's probably upset, you know, about the|IRS taking the house and all his stuff.
- You ever see a Volkswagen?|- Huh?
- You know, one of those little cars.|- No.
What does that have|to do with anything?
Nothin'. I just think|they're interesting.
{y:i}Wishin' and hopin'|{y:i}and thinkin' and prayin'
{y:i}- Plannin' and dreamin'|{y:i}each night of his charms|- Hey, Tilley, Mr Merengue is here.
{y:i}That won't get you into his arms
{y:i}So if you're looking for love
{y:i}You can share|{y:i}all you gotta do is..
Can I talk to you in private? Or do we|have to talk over 14 pool tables?
{y:i}And show him that you care
{y:i}Show him that you care|{y:i}just for him
{y:i}Do the things he likes to do
{y:i}Wear your hair just for him
{y:i}'Cause you won't get him
{y:i}- Thinkin' and a-prayin'..|- Okay, uh, we got enough goin' down|between the two of us, I know...
but, uh, the fact of the matter is,|I love your wife, and I wanna marry her.
Well, I don't care who she marries,|but I don't want her marrying you.
You think we can discuss this|in a nice, rational manner?
Rational?|You're gonna be rational?
Look, I know|we have a problem...
but I'd like to try to isolate|this one particular situation.
Isolate, huh? Isolate. Huh.
Well, I like this kind of talk.
- What the hell nonsense is that?|- Well...
what are you tryin' to gain|from this thing here, huh?
Well, wait a second. I gotta isolate|that for a moment and think it over.
You know, nobody benefits|from makin' me mad.
You oughta hear yourself, pal.|Huh? You know that?
You oughta listen to the way|you talk. You come in here.|You wanna take my wife.
You want to isolate this situation.|You want to be rational.
I got no tolerance for you, mister.|You know what I'm sayin'?
So I gather what you're saying|is that, uh, there's no use, uh,|discussing this. Is that it?
{y:i}That won't get you into his arms
You like pool?
I enjoy the game.
Why don't we play|a little game of eight ball?
If I lose, I consent|to the divorce.
If you lose,|you give up Nora...
walk away from her.
{y:i}- You will be his|- Rack 'em.
- Hey, Wing.|- Tilley.
- Wasn't that the goof|from the commission?|- Masters, yeah.
- What the hell's he doin'|hangin' around here?|- He want's some information.
- I nailed his ass good. Whoo!|- Yeah?
He can't lay a finger on me.|Aw, you should've seen me.
I was respectful, courteous,|but I was slippin' and slidin'.
- They couldn't touch me.|- Listen, Tilley, I got a real problem.
- Why don't I buy you a drink?|- All right.
Hope it's not a big problem.
You're gonna sell me out|to the commission?|Wing, am I hearin' this right?
I'm up front with you on this.|I'm up front with you on this, Tilley.
I got my balls in a vice.|What am I gonna do?
Is this because of the money I owe you?|I mean, are you just pissed?
Tilley, this has got nothing|to do with the money.
You're gonna sell me out?|You're gonna let 'em bury me?
Jesus Christ, Wing.|Jesus Christ.
I'm not gonna be able|to work in this business?|Wing, this was my chosen field.
Masters was gonna tear|this company apart.
Now, you're the low man|on the totem pole. There's a lot|of guys makin' a good living.
There's no sense for|the whole thing to go up in smoke.|You understand, Tilley?
- It's just business.|-Jesus Christ.
You're in for over two grand|on the books. I'll tell you what:|I'll wipe the slate.
And here.
I'll give you a thou|till you get set up.
- I can't do any better than that.|- You sell me out for a lousy $3,000?
$3,000 and I gotta go|down the toilet?
Jesus, Wing. I mean, how long the two of|us been bustin' our asses together, huh?
We got a history in this relationship,|for Christ's sake.
Masters comes along, puts a little|squeeze on you and you sell me out.
- $3,000.|- The bottom line, Tilley,|is this is just business.
It's another deuce.
I carried you|for a long time, Tilley.
I've done a damn sight more than a lot|of other guys would've done for you...
and I don't see|any gratitude from you.
You can finish up when you like.
I'm sorry, Tilley.|It's the way of the world.
{y:i}As hard as it is
{y:i}As hard as it is
{y:i}As hard as it is
{y:i}Lord knows
{y:i}As hard as it is
Bill, better hurry up.|Everything's ready.
I can't believe you're up so early.|This is a rare occasion.
Yeah. I got some business|I have to attend to downtown.
The toast'll be ready in a second|if this thing is workin'. I don't know.
Nora. I lied to you|the other day.
-How so?|-I went to see Tilley about the divorce.
He wasn't very reasonable, and, uh,|you know, one thing led to another...
so we decided flnally to shoot|some pool to decide the matter.
- What?|- We decided to shoot some pool.
You know? If I won, he would give you|up, and if I lost, I would give you up.
- You shot pool for me?|- I had no choice.
That's the most despicable thing|I've ever heard in my whole life.
I mean, that's disgusting,|shootin' pool to determine my future!
Nora, I had no choice.
- The toast is ready.|- Get it yourself!
Hey, I'm only tryin' to be honest,|you know? I'm tryin' to tell you...
what's on my mind and what's|on my, uh, conscience, you know.
- Which one of these things is yours?|- Oh, well, why don't you eat|both of 'em?
Maybe you can choke to death|on one of 'em.
How can you be so.. How can you|not understand how wrong that, uh..
I don't understand this mentality.|I mean, shootin' pool for me!|It's insane! It's nuts!
Look, Tilley is not the most rational|guy in the world. You know what I mean?
I tried talking to him,|and he wouldn't listen to me.
So what are my options? I'm asking you.|Huh? What are my options?
I can't believe you had|to shoot pool for me.
I mean, I, uh..|Do you understand how crazy that is?
Look at you. You're eatin' eggs.|You're, you're, you're eatin' eggs...
like you're.. casually.. like it's|normal business in life here, you know?
- Like some feudal lord or somethin'|you read about in history.|- All right. All right. I'm sorry.
What happened?
- I lost.|- You lost?|- I blew the eight ball.
- You lost?|- Yeah.|- What does that mean, you lost?
It means I'm supposed|to give you up. It means I'm|supposed to never see you again.
Will you stop eating|your eggs for a minute?
How can you tell me things like this|and casually eat your eggs?
What does this mean, Bill?
It means I'm supposed|to never see you again...
to honour my part|of that agreement.
But I'm not|that honourable a guy.
I gotta go.
Whoa, wait a minute.|Where are you goin' so fast here?
I told ya.|I got some business downtown.
Wanna have some dinner tonight?
- Over what we planned?|- Yeah.
You gotta testify, huh?
- Yeah.|- Got a lawyer?
Nah. I already testified once.
Beat 'em before.|I'll beat 'em again.
You got a high-priced mouthpiece|to speak for you?
No, I don't need one.|I don't expect to win.
How so?
I gave 'em some pretty|incriminating evidence.
You gave them evidence?
Yeah, it was the only way I could|think of to get out of this business.
That's a good one. Yeah.
So how's Nora?
She's doin' okay.
Ernest Tilley?|Please come forward.
Take good care of her.
Was it the heat of the sales pitch|on September.. August 17 of this year...
that made you write across a contract,|''This job is free''?
As I remember, uh, no sale was made,|uh, concerning those customers.
The deal fell out because|a loan couldn't be arranged,|but the people did agree in principle.
The.. The point we'd like to stress|is that you misled these people.
You told them the job was free.|Then you send in your closer|with some cover story...
about how you'd suffered|a nervous breakdown.
The sale is ultimately made|for $2,377.
Uh, I don't know. It just came over me.|It might've been somethin' I ate.
Well, we have other specific|examples of deceptive sales|practices on your behalf...
concerning a job carried out|by you on December 11 , 1962.
You violated sections 241 , 247.
October 9, 1962,|violations of 251 , 257 took place.
What are all these numbers?|I mean, I'm not aware of|all these section violations.
It is the feeling of this|commission that these violations|are severe infractions...
of the home improvement laws|and therefore constitute a misuse...
of the licence to sell aluminum siding|as approved by the state.
It's the decision of this|commission to revoke your licence|to sell aluminum siding...
to prohibit you from practising|in the state of Maryland.
Are you sure? I mean, maybe you guys|wanna talk this over a bit?
Thank you, Mr Tilley. That'll be all.|You may hand in your, uh, licence...
to the clerk of the commission|on your way out.
Who's next?
William Babowsky,|please come forward.
Mr William Babowsky,|please come forward.
You have a right to have|a lawyer present if you so wish.
I do not wish.
- Hey, mister?|- Yeah?
- Have a car parked right there?|- Yeah. What about it?
- A man came and took it.|- Who took it?
Tax man.
- Tax man. How do you|know it was a tax man?|- He gave me a dollar to tell you so.
Fuckin' IRS.|How low can you get?
How.. How fuckin' low|can you get?
I mean, what kind of people|take a man's car?
Sorry about your licence.
Yeah. You?
Sorry to hear it.
What are you doin' standin' there?
- It's where my car used to be.|- Stolen?
IRS. The bandit's.
- You need a ride?|- I could use one.
- Some bullshit commission, huh?|- Yeah.
Tell me, where's it written|in the constitution where it says|a man can't hustle for money?
Huh? Where's it written? I mean,|it's not like I went into an alley...
got a brick and whacked the guy|over the head with it.
You'd think I..I went into|somebody's house and stole his stuff.
I mean, all I'm doin' is sellin'.|Where's the crime in that?
- Yeah, I don't know what|the country's comin' to.|- You're tellin' me?
I don't know what|the country's comin' to.
Wanna know what our big crime is?
We're nickel-and-dime guys,|just small-time hustlers.
We got caught because we were|hustling nickels and dimes.
Nickels and dimes.|You got a good point there, BB.
You're right on the money with that kind|of thinkin'. Nickels and dimes. Hmm.
Nickels and dimes.|Nickels and dimes.
Now we gotta start thinkin'|about a new business to get into.
New? It's very hard to find|'somethin' new to get into.
- Maybe. Maybe not.|- Yeah.
I'll put on my thinking cap.|I'll come up with somethin' new.
- Believe me, it's just a matter|of time. We'll think of something.|- Yeah. Oh, no, a matter of time.
- We'll get it. We'll get it.|- Hey, did you hear? Uh, rumour has it|there's a whole new Cadillac coming out.
- What?|- Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're gonna|redo all the flns or somethin'.
- You're kiddin'.|You mean a new lines thing?|- I hear it's a real beaut.
- Ooh.|- Yeah. This is what a guy told me.
Ooh, maybe I should put in|my order right away. Those things|are gonna go like hot cakes.
- Whoo.|- What are you talking about?
You don't got a pot to piss in.
You give me the pot,|I'll flll it.
- You know, I got an idea. What?|- I got an idea. What?|What were you gonna say?
-No, no, you go first.|-No, go on.|-No, no, you go first. Um, I'm thinking.
- What was your idea? I wanna hear it.|- Hey, you're a guest. What is it?
- Oh, I'm a guest.|I got an idea, but if you..|- No, no, tell me, uh...
what your idea was,|and then I'll tell you mine.
- I want.. Well, what is it? No, go on.|- This is irritating. Please.
-Just go ahead and tell me.|Just go right ahead.|{y:i}- I just found your--
- Well, I wanna hear your..|- Everything.
- All right, I'll tell you what.|We'll flip a coin for it.|- All right. Here we go.|{y:i}- I'm as happy as a baby boy
- What do you got?|- Two out of three.
- I got heads.|{y:i}- With another brand new choo-choo toy
- What do you got?|- What do I got?|You told me you got heads.
{y:i}When I met my sweet Lorraine|{y:i}Lorraine, Lorraine
{y:i}The one good thing
{y:i}In my life
{y:i}Has gone away
{y:i}I don't know why
{y:i}She's gone away
{y:i}I don't know where
{y:i}Somewhere I cannot follow her
{y:i}-The one good thing didn't stay too long|{y:i}-Hey, hey, hey
{y:i}My back was turned
{y:i}- Hey, hey, hey|{y:i}-And she was gone
{y:i}Good thing|{y:i}where have you gone
{y:i}My good thing
{y:i}- You been gone too long|{y:i}- Good thing
{y:i}People say
{y:i}I should forget
{y:i}There's plenty more|{y:i}Don't get upset
{y:i}People say
{y:i}She's doin' fine
{y:i}Mutual friends I see sometime
{y:i}- That's not what I want to hear|{y:i}- Hey, hey, hey
{y:i}- I wanna hear she wants me near|{y:i}- Hey, hey, hey
{y:i}Good thing|{y:i}where have you gone
{y:i}My good thing
{y:i}- You've been gone too long|{y:i}- Good thing
{y:i}Then one day
{y:i}She came back
{y:i}I was so happy|{y:i}that I didn't ask
{y:i}I should've known
{y:i}It couldn't last
{y:i}Mornin' came
{y:i}All too fast
{y:i}- Mornin' came into my room|{y:i}- Hey, hey, hey
{y:i}- Caught me dreamin'|{y:i}- Hey, hey, hey
{y:i}Like a fool
{y:i}Good thing|{y:i}where have you gone
{y:i}My good thing
{y:i}- You've been gone too long|{y:i}- Good thing
{y:i}Good thing|{y:i}where have you gone
{y:i}My good thing
{y:i}- You've been gone too long|{y:i}- Good thing
{y:i}My, my, my, my good thing
{y:i}Where have you gone
{y:i}My good thing
{y:i}Yeah, my good thing
TLF - The In-Laws
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