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[ Applause ] Before I start signing these, I need to thank somebody who's here tonight. When I had her at State -- That didn't sound right. I never had her. I wanted her, but never had her. What I meant was when I took her class. I had the worst case of writer's block in the world. All I had were terrible ideas. I hated them all. I was just about to drop the class when she said something to me that changed everything. She said, "Terrible ideas are like playground scapegoats. Given the right encouragement, they grow up to be geniuses." She told me to take one, and work on it. Well, I did. Frances Mayes, who loves terrible ideas, may I please French kiss you now? MAN: Go for it, Willie boy! Married, William. Sorry. Proud of me? Ridiculously. Frances, these are amazing. What did you do? Chocolate is timing, my friend. -The rest is magic. -Hey, Professor. -Where is the wine? -Over there. Tom is one lucky bastard. A literary wife who makes brownies. I swear, if you tell me you cook in the nude, I'll go home and kill myself. Never in the nude. Always in a thong. Actually, if you knew Frances, you'd know these are avoidance. Thanks. -How's the novel going? -Not so well. But the procrastination is coming along fabulously. Soon it will breed abject self-loathing, and then I'll just become a writing machine. What about Tom? How's his book going? Fine. He's home writing right now. You know Tom? I met him recently, sort of by coincidence. The other coincidence is that you reviewed a book of mine. I did? Did I like it? You didn't. Well, I'm sorry. I'm sure there were a lot of other critics who loved it. And I really hope you didn't take it personally. You called my lead character "unrealistic." I think bad reviews should just be forgotten. Give him a brownie. I would like to give you this. It comes in peace. You said you just couldn't get interested in a novel where the protagonist was a guy who spent all of his time living out his horny teenage fantasies. I just find that ironic. Ironic. Why? Ask your husband. What did he just say? MAN: Frances? Frances? I've got some unfortunate news for you. I just got off the phone with your husband's attorney, and they're going to pursue alimony. How can we be talking about alimony when I hardly make enough money? But you supported him during the marriage. Yes. But while he was researching and writing his book, I worked while he pretended to be... Unfortunately, this is just about the math. He was having an affair. California's a no-fault state. His attorney indicated your husband would prefer an alimony buy-out. Since you two were living rather modestly, I don't think the number should be too bad. They're probably talking about something like $200,000. I don't have that money. Unfortunately, you do. The house? Its value went through the roof since you bought it. And renovated it with my mother's money. Well, it's all community property now. So he gets half the house and alimony. There's leeway, and we'll make all the arguments we can. But there is a bargaining chip. He wants the house. -He wants to keep living there? -Yeah. And if you let him have it, you could end up with a lot of money in your pocket. I understand he wants it pretty badly. I'm sorry. This is so surreal. How would he even find the money to buy me out of my half? Oh. Oh. Wow. Apparently, she likes the place. It's near the right schools. Schools? She's... You're gonna get over this. You will, Frances. Someday, you're gonna be happy again. Right. And the desk? The desk goes. No, the desk can stay. -The couch? -Yes, please. [ Speaking Spanish ] Wait a minute. No, the sofas can stay. [ Speaking Spanish ] How about the chairs? They stay, too. Actually, everything's going to stay except those boxes. Those boxes with the books in them. If you don't mind. You're sure? Yeah. The bedroom? Nope. -Kitchen? -No. [ Speaking Spanish ] So then we're done. We're done. You getting a divorce? It shows? These are furnished, short-term apartments. That's who we get. Your neighbor in 2-B. He's an attorney. His divorce has been dragging on for three years. Nice guy. Gives free legal advice to the other tenants. [ Man crying ] If his crying gets on your nerves, just bang on the wall. -He'll stop. -Sorry. Guy above you is a doctor. He hands out the sleeping pills. -What do you do? -I'm a writer. So you can help the others with their suicide notes. Wow. You're one of those funny landlords. Not really. Well, here's your keys. Have a good stay. Thanks. Home. PATTl: Ta-da! You start a marriage with cake and champagne. Finish it that way, too. The beginning and the end should be fun, fun, fun. Too bad about those years in the middle. -Sorry. -Make a wish. Things got crazy at the hospital. Hi. You made it in time for the toast. Bravo. And it only took a year. -To freedom. -To freedom. Thanks. You're not drinking. You're not drinking. Fifth time was a charm. Oh, my God! Patti! When are you due? -May. -May! Oh, my God! I'm going to be an auntie! I'm going to be an auntie. Yes. It changes our plans a bit. Well, of course. We were about to take a 10-day tour to romantic Tuscany. But I don't want Patti flying. Small sacrifice. We decided to change our coach tickets into an upgraded ticket for you. Oh. This is amazing. Really generous. Thank you, but no. How can you say no to Tuscany? No. Like that. That's your depression speaking. It doesn't speak ltalian. It speaks high-school French. Besides, I'm not depressed anymore. Then what are you still doing living with those losers? -Those are my people. -That's not a place you live. Guys, come on. Thank you so much. But there is no way I can go on a romantic tour of Tuscany. -I'm not ready to meet anyone. -You won't. -We can assure you. -Oh? It's a gay tour of romantic Tuscany. So it would be very relaxing for you. You know, mostly couples. No one would be there to hit on you. And you could concentrate and listen to your own inner voice. My inner voice? My inner voice that would be saying, "What am I doing on a gay tour of Tuscany?" Frances, it's ltaly! Italy. Plus, you could use it as a time to start writing. Well, I'm busy. I have to review all those books. Instead of working on your own book. Wow. Are you being mean or just hormonal? [ Buzzer ] Okay. Don't kill each other until I get back. Can we please just talk about the baby? I think you're in danger. Of? Of never recovering. You know when you come across one of those empty-shell people? And you think, "What the hell happened to you?" Well, there came a time in each one of those lives where they were at a crossroads. Crossroads. God, that is so "Oprah." Someplace where they had to decide to turn left or right. This is no time to be a chickenshit, Frances. I'm not being a chickenshit. I'm not. Okay, promise me you'll think about it. I'll think about it. Okay. MAN: I got a feeling about you. -Are you looking for a place? -Yeah, I guess. -You getting a divorce? -What? We got short-term apartments. But don't worry. Some stay for years. We got a writer. We got a doctor. The doctor could help you straighten out your life. [ Man crying ] Hey! Sorry. It's okay. -Do you want to come over? -No! [ Crying ] Maybe later. Maybe later. Oh! Hello? Patti, when do I leave? Hi, I'm David. This is your driver, Eduardo. And you are "Gay & Away"! And welcome to your first day of a romantic tour of Tuscany. Now, I saw most of you getting to know each other on the plane. But I wanted to make sure you've all met Frances. WOMAN: Hey, Frances. -Now, Frances is straight. -Oh, poor girl. And she just survived a terrible divorce. And according to her friend Patti, she needs our support. So, Frances, why don't you stand up, and let everyone say hello? No. Come on. Hi! You're the bachelor, Frances. Have some fun! Okay, everyone, follow the flower. Good God, I cannot believe it is raining. Okay, everyone, we're here! Yeah! Okay! Oops. Sorry. DAVlD: You're empty. You need a little more? Whoo! You want more wine? -Little more vino? -Excuse me. -Can a black gal get a drink? -Yes, she can. Frances, little more? Mm-hmm. You've got to loosen up, honey. We having a party! Buongiorno, [ Speaking ltalian ] Si, -[ Speaking ltalian ] -What? [ Speaking ltalian ] RODNEY: Pretty awesome, isn't it? Yes, I think you could say that. Pretty awesome. God, how am I gonna get through all of these? I mean, how do you begin to describe all of this? If you have a pen, I could write it for you. Are you a good writer? I used to be. All right. Well, have a go. To my mom. Dear Mom. FRANCES; Dear Mom, It's market day in Cortona, The piazza is an ongoing party, and everyone is invited, Cliches converge at this navel of the world, You almost want to laugh, but you can't help feeling these Italians know more about having fun than we do, I eat a hot grape from the market, and the violet sweetness breaks open in my mouth, It even smells purple, I wish I could stay longer, but the bell reminds me of time, "Ding-dang-dong, " the bell says, instead of "ding-dong, " -I wish you were here, -Love... Rodney. Thanks. "lt even smells like purple"? My mom will never believe I wrote this. Keep it. "Ding-dang-dong goes the bell." I'm sorry. Bramasole. "Bramasole." [ Speaking ltalian ] It's a nice little villa. Rather run-down, but redeemable. Are you going to buy it? No, no, no. I'm just a tourist here for the day. So? Well, who wouldn't want to buy a villa in Tuscany? But the way my life's been going that would be a terrible idea. A terrible idea. Mm-hmm. Don't you just love those? Sorry, everybody. Unscheduled stop. Look at the sheep. Oh, my gosh. Stop the bus! Stop the bus! [ Knocking ] Hello? Hello? Shit. Oh, excuse me. Oh, I'm sorry. [ Speaking ltalian ] Can I help you, signora? Yes, I thought the house was for sale. Oh, no. The house is for sale. But, unfortunately, someone's already buying it. We like it very much, and we'll buy it today. Very good. One moment please. Excuse me. They want it. They agree on the price. So soon? Then we asked too little. Ask for 20 million lire more, at least. [ Bell ringing ] I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm afraid that there has been a change in the price. It is now 20 million lire more expensive. WOMAN: Why? It didn't get more valuable in five minutes. The contessa feels she has asked too little since you agreed to buy it. MAN: That logic is absurd. Excuse me? What is the price? Are you bidding against us? Wait. We accept the new price. No, this is a beautiful house. And whoever wants it has to pay double. The contessa says that since there is so much interest in the house, the price is now double. Since the last 10 seconds? Normale, You greedy Americans. You think you're so entitled. You ruin everything. A lot of us feel really badly about that. We're going. We'll look in Provence. Fascists! And her? How much will she pay? We'll see. Is it really double the price? [ Speaking ltalian ] I can't pay double the price. But please tell the contessa that this is what I got for my house recently in dollars. [ Speaking ltalian ] Minus the work on the place. Hammers, buckets. Men. Chocolate. And a rental car to drive off a cliff when this all turns out to have been a terrible mistake. That's what I can pay. Signora, You've not even seen the house. Oh. Well. Well, l... I can't go back to San Francisco. CONTESSA: No. No. I'm sorry, signora, The contessa's family lived here for generations, so understandably it is very difficult for her to sell. Money is not the only issue. She needs -- [ Speaking ltalian ] A sign. I understand. I believe in signs, too. Well, thank you. Thank you. Oh! -Oh. -Oh. Please. [ Speaking ltalian ] What did she say? In ltaly, what happened to you is a very good sign. -lt is? -Yes. And now...would you like to see the house? First, we open an account. Then you transfer the money. Here is the legal description. "Two oxen, two days." -I'm sorry. -It's old-fashioned. The land is measured by how long it would take two oxen to plow it. Oh. Oh, that makes sense. Just like that? Before the money's been transferred? It's a house, not a Vespa. What are you going to do, steal it? Besides, Signor Martini likes you. Okay. We'll take care of the rest later. Normale, Normale? Normale, Normale, FRANCES; I have bought a house in a foreign country, A house and the land it takes two oxen two days to plow, Not having a plow or an ox, I'll have to take their word on that, Buyer's remorse is a very common affliction among new homeowners, Just because you have a sudden urge to weep, that doesn't mean you've made a mistake, Everybody knows old houses have their quirks, Especially 300-year-old houses, I have inherited 10,000 empty wine bottles, one grape, every issue of "La Nazione" printed in 1958, and assorted previous tenants, Ugh! [ Screaming ] [ Girl crying ] The trick to overcoming buyer's remorse is to have a plan, Pick one room and make it yours, Go slowly through the house, Be polite, introduce yourself, so it can introduce itself to you, You did what? Frances bought a house in Tuscany! And you're gonna live there alone? Well, I'm not there alone. I'm there with bugs. -How's the belly? -It's growing. I can't believe you did this. Did you already sign? Yes. Why? What? You think I shouldn't have? Are you telling me I made a mistake? -I don't know. Did you? -Well, I don't know. You're the one who made the "empty-shell person" speech. Oh, yeah. That was me. Okay. Wow! You bought a villa in Tuscany! -So, what's the place like? -lt needs a little work. -Well, who's gonna do it? -I am. You are? I never realized you were so handy. I can do things. Remember, I fixed that drain? The drain in your kitchen? No, that was me. I handed you the rubber thingy. The plunger? That was Tom. I can't believe it. Why did you just say his name? I'm sorry. I forgot. I'm sorry. I can make this work. You know? Of course I didn't mean I was gonna do all the work myself. I can hire the descendents of Roman gods to do the heavy lifting. Then, just supervise, tell them what to do. So, have you met him yet? -Who? -The guy you're gonna meet. Patti, please. You know what? It's starting to rain here a little bit. -So I think I have to go now. -Wait, Fran. I want you to kiss the belly for me. -Fran. -Bye-bye. [ Click, dial tone ] Can you Star-69 ltaly? No. I'm gonna try. Hello? [ Thunder crashes ] Okay. One 1,000, -2 -- Aah! -[ Thunder crashes ] Jesus! [ Humming Tchaikovsky's "1812 Overture" ] Okay. [ Hinges squeaking, wind whistling ] Stop it. -Stop it. -[ Screeching ] Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You're gonna be okay. You're safe here. Just don't fly around, okay? You'll freak me out. [ Cries ] Oh, God. Signora? [ Knock on door ] Signora Mayes? Buongiorno, I see you have survived the storm. I'm alive. But the washing machine is dead. Yes. It was electrocuted. I'm happy to see that you were not. You came to check on me? You're meeting the contractors today, and I came to help you. I believe one of them is here. Here? Downstairs. Oh. Oh, yeah. He's here. I was hoping to take this wall down and return these two small rooms into one big room. Oh, wonderful. You should have been an architect. You have excellent taste. So, do you think it can be done? Hidden pipes, a week. The bathrooms, 3 days. Signora, give me the keys of this place, and in one month, I will give you the keys to your palace. Just... Just leave it to me. [ Sighs, speaking ltalian ] Boom! Boom! Boom! Oh. Oh! [ Speaks ltalian ] [ Thud ] [ Speaking ltalian ] He says he fixed it himself many years ago. Really? Oh. You want to see the rest of the house? Okay. Yes, yes. [ Speaking ltalian ] He suggest that he rebuild the wall. [ Speaking ltalian ] It is important for the structure of the garden. -[ Speaking ltalian ] -He has a team of experts. [ Whistles ] Buongiorno, Hello, miss. We are not ltalian. We are from Polonia, Poland. Oh. Do you all speak English? Only me. And only a little. I am Pawel. Oh, Pawel. Nice to meet you. Buongiorno, Jerzy. Jerzy. Hello. Zbignew. Zbignew. Frances. What do you think of Nino? I know his mother. If he does a bad job, he's... Well, then. Okay. Yes. Okay. Yes. Yes, yes. Okay. Yes. [ Grunting ] See, Frances? No problem. Nino! Oh, God! [ Shouts in ltalian ] Run! Oh! Aah! [ Wall crumbling ] [ Silence ] [ Wall crumbling ] Okay. Yes. [ Speaks Polish ] Kurwa mac! "Kurwa mac" means "holy shit" in Polish, I learned that that day, The fact I'm trying to speak Polish in Italy is just one of the many surprises around here, Is he a licensed electrician? No. He's a licensed literature professor. Oh. Czeslaw Milosz. I like him. Czeslaw Milosz. It is only natural getting to know people should take time, Every day I watch for the old man with the flowers, And I wonder, was he born here? Did he love someone here? Did he lose someone here? He doesn't seem as curious about me, but that's all right, These days, I'm something of a loner myself, I'm pretty good at staying entertained, Mostly, I like to hang out at a bar I know conveniently located in my backyard, Fortunately, there are things here you can't do alone, It's my neighbor Placido who's teaching me about olives, T oday is okay. But never pick when it's wet, huh? Okay. These look good. Oh, my God. -Papa! -Si? -I'm finished. -Good. Gather up the net. Okay. -Chiara! -Si? Go and see if Gianni needs some help. Okay. Go, go. Ciao, Oops! Everything okay? Si, Grazie, Francesca? Are you busy tonight? No. Then come to dinner. It's unhealthy to eat alone. [ Crying ] Stop it, Mom. It's embarrassing. -ls she okay? -Of course. She's fine. Mama, that's enough. My granny's very sensitive. She cries all day. Are we celebrating something in particular? Gratitude to the saints for saving us from droughts, mad dogs, and glandular disorders. Good evening, everybody. Sorry I'm late. Katherine! Hand me your hat. Do you like it? I suppose it wasn't a terrible idea, buying a villa. Are you up there all alone? No lord and master, no consort? No. Do you have one? One? Ha! [ Grandmother speaks ltalian ] I knew this would happen. Remember? Don't blame me. I told him not to get her that computer. She got an e-mail lover, you see, from Ecuador. Finally, she had to tell him her age. No mail! You had it coming. You're wrong. I hurt in my heart. Even though I'm old, my heart still aches. I'm so sorry. -L'amore, -Si, [ Speaks ltalian ] Si, -[ Speaks ltalian ] -Hmm? [ Speaks ltalian ] Celibe? Celibe, Celibate? -Celibate! -Si, No. I mean... Well, actually, I have to admit it has been a while. "Celibe" in ltalian means "single." He's not asking when you last had sex. He's asking whether or not you're married. Thank you. No, I'm not. -Everything all right, darling? -Oh, terrific. I'm just eating. He is. Oh, my God. -I feel like such an idiot. -Don't. Flirting's a ritual in ltaly. Just enjoy it. Taste this. It's gorgeous. Mmm! -How do you do it? -Do what? This. Well, hats make me happy. And ice cream. Ice cream changed my fate. It was because of ice cream that my beloved Fefe discovered me. Fefe? Il Maestro, Who? Federico, darling. Fellini? He discovered me in the Piazza Novena with my parents eating an ice cream. I was gobbling it down, Ietting it run all over my chin because I was hungry. "Do you like ice cream?" he asked me. I didn't know who he was. I was 16. "You are my imagination come to life," he told me. He wasn't just a great director. He gave great advice. I'm listening. Fefe said you have to live spherically in many directions. Never lose your childish enthusiasm, and things will come your way. So now I was getting posthumous advice from Il Maestro, and I tried to follow it by pulling ivy, spherically and with childish enthusiasm, Oh, my God. Niente qui, Niente, Not here. Did you look under the bed? Could you look under the pillow? Huh! No. It's a joke. Maybe he moved out already. Snakes are famous for changing their minds. What am I doing here all by myself? Don't you think it's strange? Me in this big house? Excuse me. I'm sorry. You are cold, Signora Mayes. Yeah. Thank you. Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn't actually kill you, Iike a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should. When someone you've promised to cherish till death do you part says, "l never loved you," it should kill you instantly. You shouldn't have to wake up day after day after that, trying to understand how in the world you didn't know. The light just never went on, you know. I must have have known, of course, but I was too scared to see the truth. Then fear just makes you so stupid. No. It's not stupid, Signora Mayes. L'amore e cieco, Oh, love is blind. Yeah, we have that saying, too. Everybody has that saying because it's true everywhere. I don't want to be blind anymore. This house has three bedrooms. What if there's never anyone to sleep in them? And the kitchen, what if there's never anyone to cook for? I wake up in the night thinking, "You idiot. I mean, you're the stupidest woman in the world. You bought a house for a life you don't even have." Why did you do it, then? Because I'm sick of being afraid all the time and because I still want things. I want a wedding in this house, and I want a family in this house. Signora, between Austria and ltaly, there is a section of the Alps called the Semmering. It is an impossibly steep, very high part of the mountains. They built a train track over these Alps to connect Vienna and Venice. They built these tracks before there was a train in existence that could make the trip. They built it because they knew someday the train would come. I think your snake has gone for the evening. Yes. I think you're right. Signora, Please stop being so sad. If you continue like this, I will be forced to make love to you. And I've never been unfaithful to my wife. Buonanotte, signora, Yes. Buonanotte, Signor Martini. Grazie, Prego, A train track through the Alps before there was a train, Signor Martini wants me to have faith, Something I've never been good at, and now I'm even worse at, Not that I don't want faith, I'm jealous of the believers, But as a fallen-away Methodist, I do not expect to emerge from all of this a Catholic, although I admit some interior juggling is going on, To my surprise, I have become friendly with Mary, It started the night she stood by me through the storm, knowing full well I'm not a Catholic, Yet, somehow, she seems more like Mary, my favorite aunt, than Santa Maria, Aunt Mary is everywhere here, her calm presence assuring us that all things will go on as they have before, [ Singing "Adeste Fidelis" ] Buon Natale, Buon Natale, This is my wife, Flora. Oh! And my daughter, Stella. Stella, buon Natale, Bellissima, What a beautiful family. Wow. I thought I might see you, so I have a gift for you. It is San Lorenzo. He is the patron saint of cooks. Apparently, he was martyred on a grill and seared until he said, "Turn me over. I'm done on this side." No! Yes. And now he is the favorite saint of chefs. Oh! I think if you prayed to him, he will help you find someone to cook for. Thank you, Signor Martini. [ Laughs ] Merry Christmas, Signora, Buon Natale, [ Speaking ltalian ] My prayers to San Lorenzo were quickly answered, I realized I already had someone to cook for, Plenty of someones, -Bravo! -Ahh! -Bravo! -Bravo! Bravo! Aah! Aah! [ Speaking ltalian ] -Good. -See, Frances? Italian is easy. [ Speaking ltalian ] [ Speaking ltalian ] No! Aah! Aah! Aah! Have you talked to her yet? Si, I have talked to her. Why don't you go sit next to her? Go on. Okay. Katherine! Francesca! Come up! I'm having my portrait painted. Katherine? Come through. I'm in here. Oh. -I'll come back another time. -Why? You don't bother me. Frances, this is Zeus. He's an art student from Macedonia. He's staying with me while he's studying the Tuscan light. More vino, darling. Hmm. He's not bad. He's not good, either. Look, I'm going to go, but I'll come back another time. Oh, you're so boring! What? I said you're boring. Look at you! You're sad. Again! You're like a big black hole. Excuse me, but l... Fefe always said, "Regrets are a waste of time. They're the past crippling you in the present." I just walked in the door. How are you ever going to be happy if you keep wallowing? Listen, when I was a little girl, I used to spend hours looking for ladybugs. Finally, I'd just give up and fall asleep in the grass. When I woke up, they were crawling all over me. So? So go work on your house and forget about it. I said go! I'm going! Work on the house and forget about it, Gee, why hadn't I thought of that? There comes a time in every remodeler's life when one doesn't want any more helpful advice, There comes a time when you no longer want shaky guys staring at you thinking God knows what, whispering things in Polish you're really glad you don't understand, [ Speaking Polish ] There's only so much you can take before there comes a time when you just have to get out, [ Speaking ltalian ] Signorina, Bella! Great. Hilarious. Goodbye! [ Whistling ] You are American? English? Irish? There you are. I've been looking for you. You said you were gonna meet me. I've been looking for you for 20 minutes. -Who are you? -I'm sorry. Mi scusi, Thank you. Wait. You just kissed me and you're going? Yes. I'm sorry. Okay. [ Whistling ] You are too late. I'm sorry? I've already found somebody else. My loss. I was wondering if you'd help me. I'm trying to find an antique store |
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