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Cab fare, Richard? No, l've got to pay some bills. You could at least leave me|enough for breakfast. Toddy, one would suspect|you think l'm mercenary. Try ''unscrupulous.'' You get your money's worth. l'd say we both get my money's worth. Look, Toddy, if you're not happy|with the arrangement-- As a matter of record, l'm not. But to quote the immortal bard: ''Love looks not with the eyes,|but with the mind ''And therefore is winged Cupid|painted blind'' Have a nice day, Toddy. l'll do my damnedest. As you can tell, Monsieur Labisse,|l have a legitimate voice. Yes, l'm looking for something|a little more illegitimate. -l'm sure that with a little practice l--|-Lady. That's like a nun saying,|with practice, she'd be a streetwalker. -lt has to come naturally.|-Right. ln some professions,|practice is a minor consideration... ...so take my advice and stick to Carmen. l'm a coloratura, Monsieur Labisse,|not a mezzo. Well, whatever you are, André Cassell|should never have sent you over here. -He didn't.|-You told me he was your agent. l lied. Thank you. ln spite of what you think... ...there are some professions|where practice does make perfect. -What in hell was that?|-B flat. -Monsieur le directeur, she's back.|-What? Hey! Miss Grant. You owe me two weeks. -Hold it, hold it.|-What? You promised to pay me on Tuesday,|then on Wednesday, then on Thursday. -What's that?|-What? Spaghetti? Yes. With meatballs. l'll sleep with you for a meatball. -You'll what?|-Missed your chance. Oh, no, you don't!|lt won't do you any good. l've been in the hotel business for 20 years.|l know all the angles. Come on, get up. Get up!|l don't care if you got the bubonic plague. lf you can't pay the rent... ...l'll confiscate your personal belongings|and l'll evict you. What happened? You made me an offer l couldn't refuse|and then you pretended to faint. Don't be ridiculous.|l never pretend to faint. Yeah, sure. -What are you doing?|-l am helping you to stand up. -l thought l was standing.|-Maybe you'd like to lie down. You're confusing me. l'm sure we can do something|about the rent. Whatever you may think,|l'm not an ungenerous man. -What? What is it?|-There! -Where?|-There! -What?|-A cockroach! What? l'm sorry! l can't stand cockroaches! -l see. Especially in a hotel room?|-Anywhere! You won't tell the Department of Health|if l forget your rent? l'll tell you once more,|l'm getting my money. And just in case you thought of leaving us|during the night.... Please, don't leave me! Please! l know what it is. l'm dreaming. That's Toddy warbling again. Waiter! How boring. Thank you. You're most kind. ln fact, you're every kind. l see we have a celebrity with us tonight. Miss Simone Kallisto, star of stage,|screen and an occasional circus. -Take a bow, darling.|-Up yours, chéri. Speaking of the circus... ...aren't you Richard Di Nardo|the well-known trapeze artist? Careful, Toddy. You're not really funny, you know. So, why don't you just piss off?. You ought to be ashamed of yourself,|bringing your sweet, old mother... ...into a place like this. Ladies and gentlemen, you have|a delightful surprise coming to you. No! No! Please! But nobody was seriously hurt. That's why l'm only closing you for a week. You know how much|l will lose in one week? A quarter of what you'll lose in a month|if there is any more trouble. You're fired. l can't afford it. You can't afford it? What about me?|What about all this? More ice. -You could take it out of my salary.|-Toddy, get out! -All right.|-And don't come back! lf you ever set foot in this place again,|l will have you thrown out! Don't make it sound like such a threat. Being thrown out of here is better|than being thrown out of a leper colony. Out! Something to drink? Could l see your wine list? We have a white, 1934.|We have a red, 1934. Last week we had some rosé,|but we're using it in the salad. -Which do you recommend?|-The red is 6 centimes cheaper. l'll have the white. l'll bet you're a Rockefeller. Something wrong? -l thought maybe you had a dog.|-Dog? l've only been gone five minutes.|l figured something helped you eat it. lt was delicious. -You want a salad?|-Later. Later. The chicken was so good,|l thought l'd try the pork. -Good.|-Does it take long? About half an hour. -What about the boeuf bourguignon?|-That's ready. l'll have that,|and l'll have the salad afterwards. You realize, of course,|you're entitled to two salads. -Could you put them both on one plate?|-That's possible. Terrific. Delicious wine. Maybe you'd like to choose|your two desserts. Apple flan and Coupe Jacques|might go well together. Just a small coffee. Good evening. l had the pleasure|of hearing you sing this afternoon. You must be mistaken.|l haven't sung in about two weeks. Your audition at Chez Lui. That wasn't singing,|and l would hardly call it an audition. -l used to work there.|-My condolences. l hope l haven't bothered you. l wanted to tell you|that you have a lovely voice... ...and to say how sorry l am|l can't buy you dinner. Thank you. -Pardon me, monsieur.|-Thank you. Could l have a knife and fork, please? Excuse me. Why are you sorry|that you can't buy me dinner? -Cassé.|-Broke? l'm also Carroll Todd.|Toddy, to nearly everybody who knows me. Victoria Grant. -l hope we meet again when l'm flush.|-Won't you sit down? Please? Have dinner with me. Thank you. You know, it's very strange. At the club|l thought you were at the end of your rope. l was. l am. This is the first decent meal l've had|in almost four days. And you can't pay for it. Cassée. And you want me to have dinner with you. l want you to have|the best damned dinner you ever had. Have two. l started off with the roast chicken|and l went to the boeuf bourguignon. -Who knows what l could end up with.|-l'd guess about 30 days. lf all goes well,|l expect to leave here poor but sated. l have a bug in my purse. At the appropriate moment,|it goes in my salad. -lt'll never work.|-A bug in my salad? ln a place like this it'd be an event|if there wasn't a bug in your salad. -What about a cockroach?|-A cockroach? Bigger than your thumb. -Oh, God.|-Waiter? Try the chicken. l really recommend it. The bourguignon is just a little tough. Maybe the way you're eating,|your jaws are getting tired. Speaking of overworked jaws,|treat yours to a sabbatical... ...and fetch me a wine list. -This is all they have.|-This? Last time l saw a specimen like this|they had to shoot the horse. How lucky can you get? ln one evening|a Rockefeller and a Groucho Marx. They didn't shoot a real horse. Just a costume with two waiters in it. l shall think of a sharp retort|while l am getting your roast chicken. lt's a wise man who knows|when to throw in the towel. And it is a moron who gives advice|to a horse's ass. l made the dressing myself|with the last of the rosé. -l bet it's delicious.|-l wouldn't bet. Go on, try it. l think l'll wait till|the bourguignon settles a bit. -You don't have to eat it.|-l want to. You will be the first to know. -You'd better go now.|-l want to lend my support. That's lovely,|but it's my cockroach in my purse... ...and l have to get it into my salad. l'm willing to take over your salad.|You can slip me the purse under the table. You hate cockroaches as much as l do.|What if l manage and you faint? -Then it's possible l'll wake up in prison.|-l can't talk you out of it? You don't have time. Now, be careful it doesn't crawl out. -Anybody looking?|-No. -l don't see it.|-How's the salad? -Have you tried it yet?|-No. -No, l was just about to.|-We would like another bottle of wine. We'd like to try the red. A cockroach! -Cockroach?|-ln my salad! -l can't believe it!|-l don't believe it. -Are you impugning the lady's integrity?|-She's impugning my salad. No. l'm sure it wasn't your fault|that your salad had a cockroach in it. -lt didn't and it wasn't.|-l demand to see the manager. Yes, sir. -This lady found a cockroach in her salad.|-So l gather. -What are you going to do about it?|-l'm going to apologize. Madame, l regret that you found|a cockroach in your salad. l can assure you that in the five years|l've been running this place... ...there've only been two other occasions|when customers complained of... -...finding insects in their food.|-See? lt's happened before. On both occasions it turned out|that the customers had actually... ...put the insects in their food,|hoping to blackmail the restaurant... ...and thus avoid having|to pay their checks. Surely you're not suggesting that-- That madame's trying to avoid|paying her check? Of course not.|As the manager of this restaurant... ...l hope madame accepts my apology|for any inconvenience she was caused. Thank you. Madame does. Now, that is what l have done about it. -What are you going to do about it?|-l? -There is still the matter of your check.|-My check? There was no cockroach in your salad. No, l invited this man|to have dinner with me. Oh, l see. Am l to gather, madame,|that since this gentleman is your guest... ...you don't feel that you should pay|for his dinner either? Well, under the circumstances,|that's the only logical conclusion available. Yes. l will tell you what l consider|to be the only conclusion available: Either you or madame will pay the-- This way! What? l was the leading soprano of the|Bath Touring Light Opera Company. -You're very athletic for a soprano.|-Because l have three brothers. l know what you mean.|l grew up with two older sisters. -Bless you.|-Thank you. l think l'm catching a cold. -Do you have any bicarbonate?|-Top shelf. l have the worst heartburn. -Can l ask you a question?|-You want to know if l'm a homosexual. No. l want to know|if you're a hypochondriac. Not necessarily. Well, my husband was. The day we got married|he got the shingles. The day we got divorced|his ulcer perforated. -How long have you been homosexual?|-How long have you been a soprano? Since l was 12. l was a late bloomer. What happened to|the Bath Touring Light Opera Company? l guess you could say Lou Cassava|took French leave with the bankroll. Lou Cassava? -Our stage manager. Sam put him up to it.|-Sam? My ex-husband. Oh, God. You know... ...you should stay in bed and force liquids. That's good advice for a camel. -Have anybody to take care of you?|-lt's only a cold. A cold tonight could be pneumonia|by the morning. Are you sure your husband was|a hypochondriac before he married you? -l know you think l'm an alarmist.|-Only because you sound like one. l've had enough personal experience|to know... ...that when it comes to your health|it doesn't pay to take chances. Then, you can stop worrying. With the exception of saxophone lessons|and the metro... ...l never pay to take anything. -You know what l'm going to do?|-What? l'm going to see if my clothes are dry,|and then try to sneak back into my hotel. And what if l wake up with pneumonia? Well, l'll just have to come around|early in the morning and check on you. l could have a relapse|in the middle of the night. -No, you couldn't.|-Why couldn't l? Because the middle of the night|was about two hours ago. Oh, my God! What? lt was guaranteed not to shrink. My best dress. -Look.|-Let's see. There's nothing to let down. -l can't go out like this.|-Well, what about the coat? What am l going to do? Sell matches. Poor baby. l'm sorry. This hasn't been my day. God, there have been times|l'd have given my soul to cry like that. No. l hate it. You wouldn't if you couldn't do it anymore. Well... ...tomorrow l'll go over|and pick up your clothes. -They won't let you.|-They will if l pay your bill. You can't do that. Why not? This is that rainy day|l've saved up a few francs for. Here. -You know what they say.|-What? ''Neither a borrower nor a lender be.'' -''A loan oft loses both itself and friend.''|-Exactly. You were willing to compromise|your virtue for a meatball. l was out of my mind at the time.|At least it was something for something. Right. We'll make this strictly|a business proposition. l'll charge you a weekly interest... ...equivalent to the going rate|of one meatball. Oh, damn. -Toddy, you're sweet and generous.|-Exhausted. How would l ever pay you back? Well, we'll solve that tomorrow.|ln the meantime, l'm giving the orders. You're going to get into those pajamas|and come to bed. -There?|-You're welcome to the sofa. You have my word, this is much more|comfortable, and infinitely safer. God! There's nothing more inconvenient|than an old queen with a head cold. l won't be long. l resent being treated|like a helpless invalid. Will you keep your mouth shut? Now, l'll cash the check, pay my hotel bill... -...and be back in time to fix lunch.|-l can bloody well fix my own lunch. Not with a fever you can't. What makes you so sure l've got a fever? -Because you're burning up, that's why.|-l'm naturally warm-blooded. To be that naturally warm-blooded|you'd have to be a Saint Bernard. You look better in Richard's clothes|than he does. Of course, he looks better out of them.|Well? You're right. You don't have a fever. You don't even have a temperature.|Now, leave it there. -Does Richard have a hat?|-ln the closet. -Toddy?|-Richard. Good morning, Richard.|You look like a raccoon. l came to pick up my things. l thought it was to pay me|the money you owed me. l don't owe you a thing,|you pathetic, old queer. You bastard! Get up! You, get back in bed! -Who was that?|-Now... ...next time, pick on someone|your own size. -And don't come back!|-Good. Oh, my God! What happened? There was a man wearing my clothes.|l think he broke my nose. Toddy! You're delirious. -Lower your voice.|-Toddy! -Lower.|-Toddy. -Caruso, not Chaliapin.|-lf you don't get back-- When you're angry it drops naturally.|Think angry. -What an inspiration!|-l'll get a doctor. -Victoria, it'll work!|-lt won't. lf you listen to me and do as l say,|in six weeks you'll be... ...the toast of Paris|and we will both be very rich. -Oh, yes.|-Very, very rich! -But, my God!|-Think. No more Bath Light Opera Company.|No more Mikado and seedy tenors. -Yes, but--|-Caviar instead of meatballs! -Where're you going?|-To get some scissors! People believe what they see. This afternoon André Cassell will meet|Europe's greatest female impersonator. André Cassell is the biggest agent in Paris. lf l'm great, why hasn't he heard of me? You're the greatest, but you're unknown,|except in Poland. -Poland?|-You're Count Grazinski, Polish aristocrat. You speak very little English. Your family disowned you|when they found out you're gay. Wait! We met in Warsaw, fell in love,|l brought you to Paris. -Hold it!|-What's wrong? ''What's wrong?'' What's right? A woman pretending to be a man|pretending to be a woman? -Ridiculous.|-lt's preposterous. lt's so preposterous,|no one would believe it. -You expect them to believe Count....|-Grazinski. Grazinski, a gay, Polish|female impersonator. Darling, all anybody has to believe is|that you're a man. To convince an audience|that an illusion is real... ...the magician creates|a plausible diversion. -Count Grazinski is our plausible diversion.|-Toddy, no audience is that gullible. -They'll know he's a phony.|-Right. -Well?|-They'll know he's a phony. Toddy, l don't know how to act like a man. Contrary to the popular conception of|how a man acts... ...there are different men|who act in different ways. l mean, as opposed to the way women act. l am personally acquainted with at least|a dozen men who act exactly like women... ...and vice versa. But there are some things|that are naturally masculine. Name one. Peeing standing up. There's absolutely no rule|that says a man can't sit down. -Men have Adam's apples.|-So do some women. -Name one.|-Nana Lanoux. -What?|-Taxi! -Nana Lanoux? Who's she?|-The last woman l slept with. When was that? The night before the morning|l decided to become a homosexual. -Very dashing.|-l can't wear this all the time. Why not? You might set a fashion. -Did Miss Lanoux have a big Adam's apple?|-Like a coconut. Good morning. Would you please tell Mr. Cassell|that Carroll Todd is here? Why? Why? lf you don't have an appointment|with Mr. Cassell... ...why should l tell him you're here? Because Mr. Cassell and l|are very close friends. And if you tell him l'm here,|he'll want to see me. That's not very complicated, is it? Being a very close friend, l'm surprised|you don't know that every Wednesday... ...at this time, Mr. Cassell has his hair cut,|and he never sees anyone... ...including his very close friends. We'll wait. -You're wasting your time.|-Oh, no. You are wasting it. Mr. Cassell? No, Miss Selma. -No, l mean, l wish to see Mr. Cassell.|-No. l am Leclou,|the world's greatest equilibrist. On Wednesdays Mr. Cassell only sees|Giannini, the world's greatest barber. Very well then. lf Mr. Cassell cannot see me|then l shall perform... ...for you. What are you doing?|Get off! Will you get off?. Get off that desk! Will you get off?. -Hello, André.|-Toddy? What the devil.... André, it's very important|that you meet Count Victor Grazinski. -Who is Count Victor Grazinski?|-Surely you're joking. He is Europe's greatest|female impersonator. Never heard of him. ln all modesty, if l haven't heard of him... ...he can't be Europe's greatest anything. -Count, would you demonstrate?|-Certainly. What the hell? Count, with your voice|and my connections... ...you're going to get rich|and l'm going to get richer. To a long and profitable relationship. Now, when can you open? Where? -Here.|-Here? Here? -Six weeks.|-Excellent. Here. -Try it a tone lower.|-Okay. Nope. Try a third. A third? All right. Perfect. lt's just low enough|to be a touch masculine. Now, when you're dancing, remember,|make it broader, with tons of shoulder. Remember, you're a drag queen! -He's fantastic.|-He's a phony. -What do you mean?|-lf he's a Polish count, l'm Greta Garbo. Well, Greta, whatever he is,|l think he's divine. -Oh, God! l'll never make it!|-Listen to me. From the beginning we've had|two major obstacles to overcome. My bosom. First, convincing everyone you're a man. -So far, we've done that.|-lt's been damn uncomfortable. -What has?|-Strapping down my bosom. All you've got to do is to get out|and show what a great artist you are... ...and you'll be a star for the next 20 years. lf l have to strap down my bosom|for the next 20 years... ...they'll end up looking like|two empty wallets. -Sit up.|-Then what? -Stand up.|-Sit up, stand up, throw up. Now, you are not going to be sick. Not if l faint first. We got a full house. l've sent 300 invitations|and everyone's turned up... -...except King Marchand.|-Well, who's King Marchand? Among other things... ...he's the most successful|nightclub owner in Chicago. And the other things? Nothing worth mentioning|if you want to stay alive. Ladies and gentlemen! The nightclub is proud to present|the one and only Victoria! She's a winner. Bravo! Bravo! Brava! Watch this. lt's a guy. Excuse me. Pardon me. Come on, dear. l hope six, eight weeks, or something. -Hi.|-Hello. l'm Norma Cassady. -You were just grand.|-Thank you. And this is King Marchand. -How do you do?|-How do you do? l got to admit for a while there|l was really cheesed off. King's tongue was hanging out a foot. When you took that wig off,|l just couldn't believe it. -King still doesn't.|-Well, l'm flattered. l'm delighted you could make it,|Mr. Marchand. -Thank you.|-May l introduce Mr. Todd? -How're you?|-lt's a pleasure. This is Miss Cassady. -Mademoiselle.|-Enchanted. Me, too. -Well, what do you think of our new star?|-He thinks he's a phony. -She's very talented.|-What? -He doesn't think you're a man.|-l'll tell her what l think. -''Her.'' You see?|-Norma. -What?|-Mingle. Sure. You care to mingle with me, Mr. Todd? Miss Cassady,|excluding Victor's performance... ...mingling with you may turn out to be|the highlight of the evening. -l just love Frenchmen.|-So do l. -l'll get you a drink.|-Well, thank you. You were saying, Mr. Marchand? Well, l just find it hard to believe|that you're a man. Because you found me attractive|as a woman? Yes, as a matter of fact. -lt happens frequently.|-Not to me. lt proves the old adage,|''There's a first time for everything.'' l don't think so. -But you're not 100 percent sure.|-Practically. But to a man like you,|someone who believes he could never... ...under any circumstances,|find another man attractive... ...the margin between ''practically''|and ''for sure'' must be... ...as wide as the Grand Canyon. lf you were a man, l'd knock your block off. -And prove that you're a man.|-That's a woman's argument. Your problem, Mr. Marchand, is|that you're preoccupied with stereotypes. l think it's as simple as,|you're one kind of man... -...l'm another.|-And what kind are you? One that doesn't have to prove it,|to myself or anyone. Excuse me. Cheers. You're kidding! You really are queer? We prefer ''gay.'' But you're so attractive. Well, l just think it's a terrible waste. -You know what l think?|-What? l think that the right woman|could reform you. You know, l think the right woman|could reform you, too. Me, give up men? Forget it! You took the words right out of my mouth. Norma? l still think it's a terrible waste. Well, if it's any consolation,|l assure you it is not wasted. Norma? Au revoir. Me, too. Come on, get out of my way.|Go on, go on. See you in church. -Don't ever leave me alone like that again.|-What did you think of King Marchand? King Marchand is an arrogant, opinionated,|chauvinistic pain in the ass. -l think l could fall in love with him.|-l think l could, too. l'm telling you, he's gay. l know all about it. We had a long talk. They met in Poland or something,|and he brought him to Paris. And he's making him a big star. They're lovers. And l know why you don't want|to believe it. Can l take you to your hotel? -That's kind of you, André, but--|-We'd be delighted. -Hotel?|-Why not? l heard you, Norma, l heard you. l just don't know|what you're so burned up about. Thank you.|l mean, it was a perfectly natural mistake. -Knock it off, Norma.|-But Squash thought he was a woman. lf you think about it, it's really very funny. He isn't bad looking... ...but l knew he was a man right away.|lt's the padding. l don't care how clever|those costumes are. l mean, there are just some things|you cannot fake. l mean,|even with all those hormone shots... ...and everything,|a real woman can always tell. Can you imagine|what Sal Andratti would say... ...if he knew his partner fell|for a female impersonator? -Check under the beds?|-Yes. Now, l know he's supposed|to protect you... ...but does he have to stay|in the same suite with us? l mean, l just keep expecting him|to break in while... ...we're making love. He'd only do that|if he heard something unusual... ...like if l got excited. Why, you take a.... Listen to me, you creep! You mind your goddamn business! -Good evening, sir.|-Good evening. Thank you, André. -'Bye, Toddy.|-Victor, get some sleep. Toddy, this is the Monceau.|Where're you going? Up. Entrez. -That's far enough.|-Toddy, what are you up to? Toddy? Holy merde! -Toddy, when did we move?|-During dress rehearsal. But what if l'd flopped? Then, we would have ordered a sumptuous|meal, charged it to room service... ...drunk the champagne,|compliments of the management.... And jumped out the window. Which is why l chose a three-star hotel,|and specifically requested... ...accommodations above the third floor. -Toddy.|-Monsieur. -The bathroom is a religious experience.|-l can hardly wait. When can we afford another bedroom? After we're sure|you're not just a flash in the pan. My God! Besides, one bedroom, one bed,|promotes the illusion that we're lovers. Well, if for some reason we decide|we'd rather sleep apart... ...there's more than enough room|in the bathtub. Yes. And if we have an overnight guest|he can always stretch out in the bidet. Right. -l love you.|-l love you, too, sir. Aren't you coming to bed? King. l'm horny. Okay. All right. -Obviously a music lover.|-l dare you to hit high C. Well, l will if you will. lf l could, l would be the star|and you would still be trying... ...to swap your virtue for a meatball. Speaking of virtue... ...were you serious about King Marchand? Were you? -l asked you first.|-That's an infantile evasion. Okay. l find him extremely attractive. Check. ln fact, l wouldn't mind|having an affair with him. l'll buy that. You know, pretending to be a man... ...has its disadvantages. My dear count... ...you just said a cotton-picking mouthful. Pooky. lt's no big deal. lt happens to everyone. Men, l mean. We're lucky. Women, l mean.|We can fake it if we have to. Don't get me wrong. l never have with you. Faked it, l mean. With you it's like... ...pow, pow, pow... ...like the Fourth of July! Every time. Just tonight, because you couldn't get it. Up till now it's been grand,|really, really grand. And if there's one thing l know for sure... ...you can't let it get you,|you should excuse the expression, down. You can't think about it.|You just got to put it out of your mind. l mean, the more you think about it,|the more you worry. The more you worry, the more you think.|Think, worry. Good stuff. Worry, think.|lt just gets like a vicious circle. And then,|before you know it, you are impudent. What's with the soap? -Look out.|-You son of a bitch! Now, Norma. Nobody puts soap in my mouth!|Not even my mother! He's very childish. l'm going to kill him!|l'm going to kill you, too! -You big muscle-brain!|-You have to learn to control yourself. -Oh, God!|-Oh, shit! This is it. Hurry! You and your ideas!|''Why not take her to Paris with you?'' l just thought she'd help you relax. -She'd never help me relax.|-Well, then, send her home. Why don't you ever come up|with a really good idea? -For instance?|-You send her home! Thinks he can just push me around. Thinks l'm going to hop on the next boat|for the States and that'll be that. Well, you've got another thing coming... ...Mr. Big Shot Fairy Marchand. Because Mrs. Cassady's little girl Norma... ...ain't going to take this one lying down. And don't kid yourself! You ain't seen the last of me yet. Are you okay? |
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