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In the year of Our Lord 1 123, King Louis vl, known as "The Fat",|waged war against his cousin, Henry l, King of England|and Duke of Normandy. Many brave knights fought beside him. They believed in God|and the forces of Evil. Your Majesty, time is of the essence. Need I remind you|we are in their camp? silence, Montmirail.|Love knows not haste! sire Godefroy! The English! My vassal sees horsemen approaching. We are coming. I beg of you, Your Majesty,|make haste! Adieu, my sweet.|I must join my men. Will I see you soon? When my cousin,|the King of England, makes amends. Do you love me, Kathleen? Then accord me one last favor,|should I die. - Hush hush...|- show me your ankles. I beseech thee, lady-love. Higher. Up to your knees. My God! How beautiful! sire... they're coming. Come, sire. THE vIsITORs This way. King! I capture thee! Let me, my King! Liar!|The King is never captured. Not even in chess. Toil! Never recoil! sound the horns! The King! Master! You're alive! God be praised! I managed to save|your horse and your arms. You managed to flee, as usual. Castrated clod! sire Godefroy,|The King summons you. Castrated clod! sires... the King! My kind knight Godefroy merits indeed|his name "The Hardy". His baldrick was nary stuckolded. With his sword, he yslaked a scurvy English head. Godefroy Amaury de Malfete, Count of Montmirail,|of Apremont, and of Popincourt I shall thus reward your valor. sire, I am your eternal servant. I know you desire descendants. You have one week to fetch one of the fairest|Wenches in the Kingdom: the daughter of the Duke of Puglia.|I know you adore her. she is yours to wed. How can I thank thee? To serve my King is my Honor. Long live the King! Long live the King! Long live the King! - Who is he?|- Jacquasse the Crass. My vassal.|He should be waiting outside. He lacks grace, but he sniffs out|a trail like a good hound. We must avoid the Forest of Malcombe,|and pass by Montargis. Avoid the forest? You know it's haunted, sire.|No one dares penetrate it. Hogwash! My betrothed must not wait! What about the witch of Malcombe? Ride ahead of The Crass. she can turn an army into frog vomit. At her touch, your skin spits pus. and you pisseth mud. she can damn 7 generations. We're doomed! Doomed! Per Ansia Queribus Memorium "Halt or becometh a slug." It's Latin and visigoth. The Devil's drool! A Black sabbath.|Let's splitteth! What does she want? To make that old hag|young again. It's impossible! Drink! Drink! Where is she? Fear not.|she'll drop back in. What a blast to have|a virgin's unpolluted body again! she's plug-ugly! Just like the day I married her! It's devildom! surrender, she-Devil! We'll dismember her and slice out her tongue. Let rats gnaw on her innards. No lady is tortured on my lands. Just burn her. Thank you, sire. Thank you. You are too good! At last... my castle. Unpack our best apparels to honor my beloved. Jacquasse, help me change. Yes, sire. I have no fine apparels. she won't even see you. My shoes and my fanciest shell. Ganelon, sound the horn|to announce my arrival. How thrilled am l, sire Fulbert, that my son weddeth your sweet and gentle daughter. I wanted her to weddeth a Duke, but our Fat King decided otherwise. Cursed be love. More wine!|Let me piss a-plenty! Father, you promised|nary to burp for my marriage. The Count of Montmirail! Frenegonde! where are you going?|Frenegonde! Come back! Come back this instant! Frenegonde! Come back! No Duke's daughter runs after a mere Count. You look good and gentle. And mighty uncomfortable. Why? Zounds!|The flask falleth all alone. Give it to me.|My thirst needs a-quenching! The castle! Holy scrotums! It swelleth like a blowfish! It's wearing a wig! sire Godefroy, are you not well? By what devil-craft? What's wrong? Come back, you wicked wench! Come back! Come back, you foul slut! God shield!|A bear is chasing her! My crossbow! Come back! There's no bear. steer clear, beloved!|steer clear! Father! I saw a huge beast. I'll spend my life in a convent,|faithful to you. I can ne'er wed|the man who killed my father. I understand, my betrothed. I'll be faithful too. I shall ne'er marry... ne'er have descendants. Don't do me any favors. What are you up to? I Was praying for his saIvation. Where is my father's wizard? Eusaebius? I found him. He lives yonder,|not far from here. But they say he's senile. I can make your Duke live again. But you must know|no fear. Only God can do that! You are right.|Only God can bring back the dead. But there is another way. Time is a mountain,|pierced by many hidden tunnels. My magic spells can|give you access to them. Meet Angueran. scarface Angueran.|At your service. And my loyal Ganelon. You shall return just before the Duke's death. If you find|enough force in yourself... you will be able|to change the course of the arrow. You'll wed your betrothed, and have the lineage you desire. It's sheer lunacy! Where is my powder of leech? I haven't done this in ages.|I'm a bit rusty. He's senile! Here it is. If you fear not, Godefroy the Hardy, drink. You'll arrive in the forest|just before the accident. Don't trust the old fool! If sire Godefroy doesn't return,|We'll lock you in his dungeon With your Book of spells. Trust me. Don't drink it, sire.|You'll turn into a frog, or a bat, or a goat,|or a nun's ass. Perhaps you're right. Drink first. Me? I'll see if you turn into a nun's ass. If you do, I'll seek revenge. Drink! so, my Crass? It tastes like pig excrement. Candied concoctions|are for evil sorcerers. Drink hastily.|I must say the incantation. If I drank... am I going too? say the incantation. They've gone into|the Tunnels of Time! What's that noise? What did you step on? Rotten eggs. I forgot the quail eggs. What a catastrophe! stand up, peasant. Where are We? And our friends? This isn't my Forest. The wizard misled us! We have tWo legs, sire.|And tWo arms. 'Tis miracle enough. Fetch me a horse.|Make haste! Pugh! It stinketh! He's crazy! sire! A Moor! A Moor in the Devil's chariot! 'Tis metal,|With no oxen to pull it! sire, come see! Thither, sire! Thither! They're psychos. They're psychos. Psychos! Whose shield is this? Lord our Father, We have sinned. We'll bear this ordeal to the end. Give us the courage never to recoil. We Will obey Thee. Amen. It stinketh.|We can't breathe! We're doomed! No, I smell victuals. More diabolic chariots! Let's stay in the Forest. No! We can't fight on an empty belly. Two burgers! French fries and ketchup! Yo guys! Is it Halloween? You're dressed to go trick or treating! silence, strumpet. Take this and go your way. Leave us be. Holy Moses! Are you Tv stars? shove off! shove off! I don't want to impose,|Ladies and Gents, but since you're in show-biz,|do you know any... big-time agents? Quiet, peasant,|or I'll smacketh you. It just so happens|I studied song and dance. If you could get me an audition, it'd change my life. What's wrong?|I'm no Worse than Madonna! Let us leave this vile baWd. Listen... still hanging around, sticky fingers?|Give back the steaks! Watch out!|I'm a political refugee! I'm sick of your shenanigans! Ho! lnnkeeper! You hit the fairer sex? What the hell do|these two clowns want? This isn't a hobo hideout! I am Godefroy of Montmirail,|Count of Apremont and of Popincourt.|And I lord over my property. Mr. vautrot! Help! Call the cops!|The bag lady's bothering Roger again! Murderer! Come on, toots!|This guy is gun crazy! Attack, sire! On your knees, punk! Montjoie! st. Denis! Jacquasse! My Jacquasse! Easy does it, hot stuff. Attack! Montjoie! Montjoie! Asylum! Asylum! Father, I beseech|the right to asylum. Mi... Mi, honey. That's it. Keep on practicing, love.|I'll be right back. Hello, Countess? It's Father Herve. Hello, Father. Yes, well...|My mass was interrupted... by a hooligan|dressed in a very peculiar way. He claims to be|the Count of Montmirail etc, etc... Quite frankly, he seems off his rocker. The Count of Montmirail?|Daddy died in '81 . I know, Beatrice. I buried him. This one|claims to be called "The Hardy". He has your family arms on his tunic. Godefroy the Hardy?|How absurd. Come quickly. He looks ornery. Hello? Hello?...|Father Herve? What is this? It's the UNICEF calendar. Hurry! He's busy praying. He saw today's date|and went into a state of shock. He claims to be born in 1 076. He's a crackpot. My betrothed. My betrothed. You are here? Frenegonde!|My beautiful Frenegonde! stop!|That totally hurts! Calm down, you brute! It is l. stop. I don't know you. Frenegonde. The Countess doesn't know you. You've made a mistake. Cease, Father. Dare I understand? This fair dame is not my beloved, but my descendant. 1 000 years betwixt us. Yes. I have to go.|I don't know him from Adam. I'm from the time of Louis vl.|Help me. shall I call for help? No, this very nice man|Won't harm us. Will 50 francs do? I must return to my time. Know'st thou a wizard? No. sorry, no wizard.|I know the wizard of Oz. Where is this "Oz"? Don't budge.|We'll take care of you. Thank you, my sweet. It's a miracle. Okay, call the police. - It's not very Christian.|- Of course it is. Pugh! How ugly! Without them,|We couldn't Watch Tv. Here... Just what the doc ordered. Thanks, bawd. You're ugly as sin,|but good-hearted. Ever see your nose? When you sneeze,|is it typhoon season? Your wine is fruity,|but a tad watery. The wine's mine, swine. What a raunchy eater!|You eat the plastic too? The wizard was senile. If I catch him,|I'll skin him alive. Don't take it so bad. Those pigs aIways get us. Is your buddy a wrestler? I saw him on Tv. I wanted to be a singer... but they're all|full of shit in show-biz. My sire is a warrior, a trusted aide of our King.|The Count of Montmirail. Montmirail? The dentist's old lady? He couldn't marry her! That's why we're here. They're not married? No kidding!|The nerve of that prude! she acts so holier-than-thou|at the rummage sale. What a bitch! You came so fast. squadron sergeant-Major Gibon.|At your service, Countess. I brought the National Guard. Where's the offender? My stars!|Your squadron is quite impressive. He's a bit brutal, but he's just|a poor homeless person. They're back-up. This is Doctor Bauvin. First we'll talk to him.|size up the beast. Let's go, Bauvin. Good luck! Where is she? Enough!|ldentity papers! Green card! Psychology, sergeant-Major. Hello there.|Are you from around here? Bow down before me, and I shall be clement. Why the costume?|Are you an actor? Is this for Tv? Candid Camera?|should I smile? Where is my descendant?|Answer or die! Let me, sergeant-Major.|He's a sicko! A little shot|and you'll be good as new. Give me your arm. Officer, send in|your men on the double! He's a maniac!|He took the doctor hostage! Thanks for coming! Montjoie! st. Denis! Toil, toil! Never recoil! I have a horrible doubt. This tramp|just may be part of my family. What? "Montjoie" is the battle cry|of French knights. "Toil! Never recoil!"|is the motto of Godefroy the Hardy. It's my family's motto. Now you have doubts? He's calmed doWn. Hold him down.|I'll put him to sleep. No, my mistake!|I never saw him before. It can't hurt.|I killed the nerve. Jean-Pierre, come here. Excuse me, ma'am. I'll just be a minute. Do you remember my cousin Hubert? Martha's son. Naval Academy. The race car driver?|I never met him. Obviously. He disappeared|in Borneo before our marriage. - I think he's alive.|- What? As wacky as it sounds,|today's Tarzan... is probably Hubert.|He's totally changed. You said he was a bum. He had family air. The sensual nose,|the large forehead... You meet a derelict|With a shiny red schnozz, and noW... he's a long-lost sensual cousin! A cousin with our arms! Don't just stand there.|Come look. Look. The Montmirail family album. Here's our first Count,|Godefroy The Hardy. It's the same nose and forehead. That's a 900-year old drawing.|What's the link with Hubert? I'll call the castle.|When Hubert was 1 9, he posed for the last|family portrait. A wild-goose chase! Beatrice Goulard de Montmirail|for Mr. Jacquart. Hello, Countess. It's Frederick. Fred, is Jacques-Henri there? One minute. A word of warning:|he's repairing the boiler. He's on edge. Jacques-Henri! Why did you jerk|the lever so violently? You asked me to. spare me. My stunning vest|is now a filthy rag. Jacques-Henri! Why are you shouting? Beatrice de Montmirail. What a ball-buster. Jacquart? Jacquart? Yes? Boiler trouble? The burner is ruined. Jean-Francois yanked on the lever. Oil spurt out. I was nearly disfigured.|Not to mention my jacket. No one is of any help. At least no one died. Thank God. I have a problem too. Can I ask you a favor? Go upstairs to the Gallery.|In our last family portrait... there's a Royal Navy cadet. second row. The kepi with a feather.|Do you have a Pola? A what? A Polaroid, Jacques.|The children threw ours in the toilet. We have no "Pola". And my name|is Jacques-Henri, not Jacques. Try to understand, Jacquart/|my cousin is in an insane asylum by accident. I can't help your cousin. We're busy. The Bernay and Bernay Bank|is here for a seminar. Edgar Bernay will be|bathing in cold water. so, even if I had a "Pola",|I wouldn't take your picture. Okay, I'll hang up.|I'll deal with this myself. Toodle-oo. Good riddance. sir... Yes. The rooms are horribly humid.|Mr. Bernay is sneezing non-stop. He wanted to relax|after his speech on sponsoring. so he took a shower. Ice-cold. His head is full of shampoo. If you can't get the hot water back, We'll have to cut short the seminar. Does the lnstamatic work? I'm draining Mrs. Pelissier's molar. It'll be fine. This is the Montmirail's house. Take it easy! They'll bawI us out. stop! They'll call the cops|for noise pollution. Try ringing the bell. Knock it off!|They'll kick us out! Jacquart,|Why are you dressed like that? Excuse our excessive chiming, your Grace... Lady Frenegonde! Let me go! You're crazy! she's my mistress! What? Jean-Pierre, come here. Jacquart is calling me|"Frenegonde" too. You slept with her?|Don't worry. He looks weird but he's pals|With Montmirail the stuntman. Montmirail the stuntman? You must mean Hubert,|the race car driver. stuntman, wrestler... race car driver... same diff. But who are you? Jacquasse The Crass.|You don't recognizeth me? No, I don't recognizeth you.|You're Hubert's friend? Hubert de Montmirail, whatta hunk. And so considerate... Iike you, your Ladyship. And he gallops|like Kerwin Costnere. Coward that I am,|I lost track of my sire at the inn. They got in a brawI at Remi vautrot's pit stop. Whip me... your Ladyship! What is it? - Jacquart?|- Thou know'st me? What? A Jacquart from hunger. I'm lost. Mr. Goulard... Yes, hello... He's a friend of Hubert's. According to her, Hubert has become|a stuntman and a wrestler. What horrible teeth!|Let's have a look. I'm no mule! Zounds! That ass bit me!|I need a tetanus shot! He might even have rabies! It isn't Jacquart.|I did his bridge-work. Obviously, Jean-Pierre. He proves that Hubert is alive. We have to get him|out of the hospital. You banged the Countess? Bitch. The bum can't come.|My car isn't Noah's ark. Open the window. His body odor is unbearable. He's very, very green. stop the car.|He's going to vomit. Wait a second! Hold it in! It's coming! He got it all over. What a pig!|He puked on my shoes! Your cousin is very violent.|He nearly castrated me. Castrated clod! What? He saved our King's life. What? Ah, my youngling. Why did you abandon me? Their little red balls made me sleep. Master! Master! Why are you bound?|How much is the ransom? silence, peasant! The "Iittle red balls" are valium. 50 milligrams. He barely slept. Apothecary, I demand|to be released immediately. Calm down. I am neither sick nor loony.|I come from far, far away. Yes. He thinks no one|understands who he is. Persecution mania. But it's true. He came from Borneo.|He had an accident during a rally. Right, cousin Hubert? Cousin Hubert? Yes. Hubert de Montmirail. It's freaky...|he has my father's hands. You know your name. He knows nothing.|He's completely amnesiac. He says he's never watched Tv. Amnesiac? How tragic! His last remaining memories are a few facts from History class. Elementary stuff. It's often the case with amnesiacs. He speaks a hodgepodge|of Latin and Old French. verbal diarrhea. Let him go. - Pawing at him won't help!|- Compose yourself. Will you free him? Yes, only because|your husband is a doctor, and he agrees to take full responsibility. Another relative of yours? No, not at all. An old friend of Hubert's. I belong to the Count. souplette, sire? Is he a foreigner?|I don't understand him. Yes, that must be it.|Come, cousin... Wait! lf you take him,|take his outfit too. It smells like a billy goat here.|It's repulsive. Here, take the valium. If he gets violent,|give him five of them. Thank you. Two more lunatics roaming the streets. sit down here. Take care of him. I'll get the car. Lady Frenegonde is strange. she is not Lady Frenegonde.|she's my descendant. My great great great|great great great granddaughter. Your great great|great great granddaughter? How terrible! My Crass, we're a 1 000 years old.|It's a living hell. We must search the dungeon. Angueran swore to lock up|the wizard and his Book. With the book, We can concoct|the potion and go back in Time. Drink that again? Pugh! You'd rather stay here? Oh no! Is this too fast, Hubert? Do you feel sick? Open your eyes, sire Godefroy.|You'll get used to it. Why "Godefroy" and not "Hubert"? Jean-Pierre, he has amnesia. Godefroy, Henri, suzy... Wait. Who has amnesia?|Your cousin or that other skunk? They both do, Jean-Pierre. Try being more tolerant. Their feet reek! It's revolting! What an insufferable ride! Please...|I didn't smell anything unusual. Did the kids behave? - Yes.|- Okay, toodle-oo! Zounds! What happened to Nature? Everything is ugly.|There's no room... to go hunting. The air is heavy.|It stinketh! I'll say! And it'll be worse|With the new highway. Good-bye, Dr. Goulard. Here you go. It smells gross. Yeeuck! Like old socks. Could be. see you tomorrow, Hilda. Where is my castle? We left the castle ages ago. Unfortunately. Can you imagine the heating bills? Anyway, Hubert,|make yourself at home here. I must go to the castle. Yes! Yes! That'll be tomorrow's outing! Count me out.|I'm over-booked already. Dinnertime! Yes! souplette! Good hot souplette! Yes, Mr... Jacques Kass.|I'll make you some. He loves soup. You live in a pitiful dwelling. 'Tis for peasants. True, our home is simple. But it's cozy and has lent itself|to some marvelous evenings. Don't push it. We weren't counting|on having houseguests. so go easy on us, Hubert. You're Cousin Hubert? O! noble Cousin Hubert! Now he's calling me Hubert! They're both crazy! Listen, peon. I'm Cousin Hubert. You, sire? I don't want|to go back to the loonies. Call me "Cousin Hubert"... and never "sire". Understand? Yes, sire. stop that, or I'll give you|the little red balls. Leg of lamb, my sire! Why "my sire" now? I don't know, Jean-Pierre.|I just don't know. Mr... Kass,|that's for tomorrow. Tonight is cold roast beef|and a salad... and a Cup-a-soup for you. If you're still hungry,|you can have some left-overs. Then a shower and off to bed. Maybe they can start with the shower.|After such a trying day... they'll want to wash up. No servants? Come wash your hands. Bea, come look. What is it? Come look! What? Cousin Hubert, What are you doing? Can amnesia be this serious? They're boors! swimming in the toilet! Water. soap. Hot. Cold. Okay? Thank you, gentle Lady. Gentle lady... sire Godefroy. Cousin Hubert! Lady Frenegonde is|1 000 years old too? she's not Lady Frenegonde. she's Lady Beatrice. How often must I tell you? Lady Beatrice. The descendant. Jean-Pierre, set the table. The nice plates or the normal ones? Jean-Pierre, use mother's service. Ridiculous. Here. Help me, you two. You stupid idiots! Bea, they're retarded!|They can't even set a table! Hello! Don't scream.|It's Jacquart. I'm not deaf. I'm sorry, Jacques-Henri.|Bea has some family over. It's not easy. sorry to bother you.|I'm here with President Bernay the younger of the two|banking brothers. A charming man. Unfortunately,|he has a festering abscess. Due to the humidity in your hotel, or your "Royal Raspberry" sherbet. His face is all bloated. I'll see your friend Bernie|tomorrow at 8:00. It's Bernay, not Bernie. Lady-love... your skin is as soft as a rose petal. Hubert! How exciting to touch you... to lay beside you. Who does he want to lay? Jean-Pierre, you're totally on time.|Let's clean up. what were you up to? You're kissing cousins! - Not at all!|- sorry! He'll take him. He's too bad off. Hello? What the shit? shit. Hello, Jean-Pierre?|ls that Jean-Pierre? What the hell? You were sweethearts. Not at all. He was much older! You won't admit|you were flirting. Jean-Pierre, control yourself!|What you're saying is totally offensive. Is this my castle? Yes it is. Where's my watch-tower? My moat? My draw-bridge? Is my dungeon intact? He doesn't even recognize|your castle. Hub, it was rebuilt|after the Revolution. The what? Christ Almighty. I must go in my dungeon. Relax. You're hysterical, Hub. We'll go tomorrow.|But the dungeon is a legend. Father aIways thought one existed... but we never found it. It's like someone imitating a dog. Listen. It's strange. I don't hear a thing. President Bernay. Now he's gone too far! He better not have woken|Florian and Ondine. No! Bea! He burnt|your umbrell-Ahhhhh! Umbrella. In the hole. These eardrops sting. The dog never complained. If President Bernay has lost... just one percent of his hearing, We'll sue the pants off you. I've gone deaf. I'm a little confused...|You're a race car driver? A boxer? A stuntman? A movie actor? Who's the star of the movie? Do I know him? And the director? stop the interrogation.|You're exhausting them. Can't we talk? Am I boring you? Ay, indeed. Charming. You see. Will this last long? Day... Night... Please, Mr. Kass,|that's becoming rather grating. Can't he join us?|It's embarrassing. He ne'er eats amid nobility. He is happy to munch|our left-o'ers. Here, boy. Thank you, sire Hubert! He's mashing potatoes into the rug! Enough! Come sit here. That would upset him,|right Jacquasse? You want to sit here? No, sire Hubert. In my house, we all eat together. Nay! Nay! Obey, peasant. Your host insists. It'll be cozier. There. My sweet and pretty youngling... Yes, dear cousin? If you live in this poor abode, Who owns our castle? Jacques-Henri Jacquart. He's... rather nouveau riche|and a bit affected. - His family farmed our land.|- A peasant owns our castle? - A peasant!|- What peasant? Please! Jean-Pierre|is a peasant too. And he's a good husband. He's a peasant? Pugh! I lost my appetite. This is too much! I feel like throwing up. Did you hear that? Hear what? Now he's spitting on me.|Or didn't you notice? Excuse the oaf. He is saddened to hear|that a peasant owns my castle. But why? My sweet, radiant youngling... I shall right this horrible wrong. Jacquart shall render the castle|in exchange for crowns. If he refuses,|I'll disembowel him. We'll rip off his stalk|Like we did the Duke of York We hacked him up|Amid his shrieks and howIs. We hung him up... alongside his bloody boweIs. Bring in the hens.|I'm starved. Hang who? Jacquart the Peasant. Bring the roasted lamb... the sausage and the beans... the venison... Let us feast|to forget this injustice! Bring in kidney beans and kidneys. A piglet and a roasted goat. Well-peppered white swans. Your whets have|given me appetite. You just stuffed your faces! What's this puddle? The room is totally flooded! What happened? They didn't turn off the Water!|They're deranged! They can't shut off the tap! send them to the nut house! Jacquasse, spongeth! Yes, sire! Who is that? Mr. Kass! Not with your poncho!|I'll get some rags. What is it now? sorry to pop in, but|President Bernay can't cope. God knows how, When Edgar took the phone,|a foghorn sounded in his ear. I'm not an ENT. But it aggravated his toothache. Irts trrowwwing. It's throbbing. Open your mouth. How repulsive!|Wait here. I'm going to fix|Bernaise's tooth. It's Bernay. Edgar Bernay. His abscess is incredibly ugly. We'll be in my office. Come on, come on! Everyone join in. Can raspberry sherbet cause|this type of infection? No idea. Bad timing, Jacquart.|We're in the middle of a flood. Did the sewer back up?|It smells god-awful. Be totally careful|not to knock the bucket over. Empty the bucket|and sponge hardily. Ay! Take this rag. He threw a filthy mop|on my linen jacket! Mr. Kass, be careful with|Mr. Jacquart's linen jacket. Mr. Jacquart, meet my cousin|Hubert, long-considered dead. My pleasure. My jacket is stained now. A Hartwood original. You're a less-bloated|look-alike of your ancestor, Godefroy the Hardy.|I have his portrait in the castle. Ay, 'tis l. Do I have a pimple? That nose... those slimy eyes. You're The Crass's descendant. The Crass? Please... What a disgrace! Here, boy. start a-mopping. Mr. Kass... Ieave Mr. Jacquart be.|It's not his flood. - Mr. Who?|- Jacquasse. What an ugly face! Your Jacquart is a traitor.|His real name is Jacquasse. I aIways knew Jacquart|as Jacquart. Unless he changed his name|to be more chic. Jacques-Henri, how long have|you had the name "Jacquart"? Why? Because you're|the spitting image of Mr. Kass... and your names are similar. I have nothing in common|with this gentleman. Just look at him. No relationship at all. I can't find my pouch|in this unholy mess. Dr. Goulard is a genius.|The abscess is... Oh my! ... drained.|The President is back in form. Mr. Jacquart, is this... - your brother?|- He's not my brother! I'm Jacquasse The Crass. sorry, but it's getting late. I understand. Let's go. Thank you. One minute, jester. Let's make a deal.|I'll buy back the castle. Take this, peasant. A down payment. Jacquart, take care of this.|We'll be in the car. I'm coming. My castle is not for sale, I own it, Count. Old gold coins? I have 5 chests full,|and 1 0 of jewels. This upstart peasant|can't stop me from buying it. He's got nerve!|This is a fucking democracy. What's "fucking"? Jacquart, you've gone overboard.|That was vulgar. What nerve! I take care|of your Mr. Barbie for a modest fee, and you humiliate our houseguest.|Apologize! Who does the hygienist think she is? shameless liar!|lf you're proud of your family, Why change your name? What is the heinous secret? An ogre? A witch? A child-slayer? Hands off, Nazi! If he can't understand why|Jacquart sounds better than Jacquasse, he should see a shrink. I don't get it.|You're Jacquart's brother? His brother? Were you serious about buying back the castle? A gift for you, my youngling. I'm tired. That's right. Bedtime! How about some herbal tea, Hub? Amnesia... Cousin Hubert. The new sire of the castle|is a Jacquasse? My God, how can that be?|Peasants have become sires. Let us pray. Jacquasse! Beatrice! They're praying now! Don't scream. Let them pray. Mommy... There are bums in the living room. Now they've woken the kids. The lineage! Your brother is|the Count of Montmirail's valet? I have no brother! Older or younger? We're not brothers! I'm an only son. We don't have the same name! He smells awful. still, it was smart|to change your name. I once had a friend|named Francois Twat. He changed it to watt.|It changed his life. Jacquasse is just too much! I'll say. sorry, my name is not|Jacques Asse, but Jacquart. They're ugly.|They stink. Gross! Cousin Hubert is not a burglar. His friend is not a smelly witch. Cousin Hubert and Mr. Kass,|let the children see you. Nighty night, kidlings. Don't stand there!|You'll scare them to death! You scared them, Jean-Pierre. Come on. Lather up well. Especially your feet. soap and bath salt.|Help yourself... please. I'll leave you. - What's wrong with our feet?|- I don't know. Another peasant ruse, no doubt. It boil'st. The ointments. Jacquasse, scrub me. strange brush. It'll do fine. How is it going? I have finished my ablutions. Your turn. Nay, sire. I bathed last month in the river. I said it's your turn. It boil'st! What are they up to? Why the uproar? My Jacquasse is a-scrubbing. I'll dry off in the chimney corner. The entire bottle!|6000 francs down the drain! Don't pull the plug! I shall miss thee, lady-love WhiIst I fight in the Crusades Leaving you behind, turtle-dove Darkens my heart, 'fore I fight I can't stand it any more. Take a valium. sire, Jacquart... Is he|my great great grandson? Yes, my Jacquasse. Poor you. Let's sleep. It's mushy like porridge. What now? Beatrice, tell me about|the kingdom since Louis the Fat. Now?|Are you kidding? Jean-Pierre! This is an evil book.|I like it not. It's the encyclopedia.|It has everything. Nothing on Godefroy de Montmirail,|When he saved our King, during the Battle of Monthlery? Not a word. Really? But his courage is renown|from Poitou to savoie. Godefroy the Hardy,|Louis the Fat... no one cares. Our most famous family member|is Gonzague de Montmirail. Born in 1 754. Remember? No. He fought the Revolution|against the rich, so they'd share their land|With the peasants. What? He helped create|the Republic with La Fayette. But he wasn't rewarded for his courage. Robespierre had him decapitated. A fine man, this Robespierre. Why do you say that? Why is Mr. Kass spying on us? What infamy, my Jacquasse. Peasants no longer pay taxes.|No more tallage, nor tithers. How unfair.|We must return home. What's that on your finger? It's my seal. Your seal? It's The Hardy Ring!|You stole it from the castle? Call the police. Or Jacquart|may think we're accomplices. spare me. I'll return the ring. Jacquart will understand|that Hubert is mentally ill. Mentally ill.|Lock him up, if he's mentally ill! Where is Mr. Kass? Out there. What ripe apples, fair Ginette! Come on, no feelies, stud. see 'ya. My groupies|are getting impatient. Here I come, fans. Come on, Mr. Kass. Ladies and Gents... for the artiste. Ladies and Gents... This is incredible! A minute ago it was gorgeous.|Now it's raining cats and dogs. I am angered that|you think me a bandit. I never said "bandit".|Don't exaggerate. This ring is mine. A siIversmith|made it for me in Flanders. It cost me 1 00 ducats. That's impossible, Hub.|Father sold that ring with the castle. It can't be here and there! President Bernay cannot give|his speech in that ruckus. There's an old ring|sizzling in a glass case. An old ring sizzling in a case?|What next? Look! How can we concentrate|on the prospecting? It's the Hardy Ring! Don't just stand there!|Get a fire extinguisher! Make way! Open the case! It's burning! It's broken. What an ass! What an ass! I'm blind! Hold this. This is crazy! It's pitch black outside!|This is unreal! It's hailing now. Cheer up, Hub.|We'll return the Hardy Ring. All will be forgotten. He's The Hardy! Mr. Kass, sit back. Did you eat|old goat cheese for breakfast? sorry to be blunt,|but I can't open the window. stay back there, please. The closer we get,|the darker it gets. It works. Easy as pie. He's a stupid ass. Go ahead. This extinguisher|Wouldn't put out a match. Get out of here, honey! It's going to explode! What now? You have ants in your pants? The ring is a-fire!|It's devil work! It fell under the seat. stop the chariot, girl! Help! Call the Fire Department. Perfect timing, Jacquart. Hubert|has the Hardy ring, God knows how. He brought it back. The Hardy ring is here!|It's on fire! My seal's a-fire! How can it be up there?|It's down here. Leave me alone! - 'Tis sizzling and boiling.|- 'Tis hissing! What are you doing? Did you see lightning? Wait a sec.|My roof looks like a cauliflower. The lightning! My Range! Godammit! What happened? It's incredible. It's nice out again.|Just unbelievable. Jacquasse, look how they|changed our beautiful castle! Windows galore! We're defenseless! A godsend|for the visigoths. And the Huttes. Pray the dungeon is intact. This weather is amazing. I don't give a damn. My Range! Dammit!|A brand new car with all the extras! Look! It's ruined!|It's completely ruined! Jacquart! There's no lightning rod? That's unheard of! The explosion|almost maimed the President. No one was hurt? No, thank God.|Just a car. Thank God?|Thanks a lot! My limo? No, not your limo.|My new Range. Don't lie. I can see from here.|The hood is burnt. It's not burnt. Not at all! Not the roof!|The hood, you idiot! I'm warning you: if it's burnt,|We'll see you in court! No, it's okay.|It's okay! Look! Okkk ayyy! I'm rubbing it.|I'm polishing it! Look! It's so clean I can see myself! Look! It's okkk ayyy. What's so funny? Come, Jacquasse.|Let us go to my chamber. ...that hissing ring! Give me Claims Division. What kind of ring? A signet ring. You mean the Hardy ring|Was in its case? I don't know. Impossible. Where the hell... Jacqueline, where are you taking|these men? To the Hardy suite. Innkeeper,|We'll be here several nights. You and your friend?|There's just one bed. He'll sleep on a mat|in the halIway. Not here, he won't. In the stable, then. Pity, sire! Not the stable.|I prefer the forest! There is no stable. so pay|for the room or go to the forest. You understand me, my boy.|You're a kind man. Don't touch me. I'm not a kind man. I'm not your friend|or your brother. so dream on! You'd let your brother|sleep outside? He's not my brother! I never saw him! so he can sleep|Where the hell he wants! You're so obscene! Excuse me, ma'am. I'm taking|President Bernay his tea. What the hell do I care? And their deposit? No, l... You can't stay.|It's very pricey. The Count of Montmirail|sleep'st at Montmirail. Keep your rotten coins. Outside, scuzzballs. Relax, Jacques.|Put it on my visa. If Hub feels at home here,|it may jog his memory. It's worth trying. Whatever you say. If you want|to pay top price, be my guest. You want my picture? Don't stand there.|show them to their room. This way, Beatrice. sparks are flying!|The boss is angry at his brother. This is the Godefroy Hardy suite. The 1 0th century chimney is... a vestige of the watch-tower. Zounds! It's different! Excuse me? Leave us, wretch. What? The Book of spells. Holy scrotums!|You look drunk as a skunk! Is that me? That's an old fool! Who's this monster? Gonzague de Montmirail. The Count Who helped the peasants? A foul creature. Nay, a saintly man. Come. what are you doing? Jean-Pierre, don't scream. I'm not screaming. It's expensive, but it's for Hub. Two rooms at 2600, plus the suite|at 3600, comes to 6200 francs a day. Breakfast included. How much? Why three rooms? I can't leave him. Ridiculous! so I took a third room. You're staying? Hurry. I have other things to do. - Bea, you can't do this.|- Okay, toodle-oo. The torches are rotten. sire, I'm scared. What are you doing? They called me a wretch|and threw me out. Then I heard a noise. Open this door immediately! Hub! Cousin Hubert! Mr. Kass! They lit a fire!|There's soot everywhere. You'll pay the dry cleaner! They're not here. Jacqueline, did they leave? No, sir. I swear. Don't start blubbering. That won't help. His friend's room. Where did you come from? Hub, what happened to you? I need a torch. Why were you hiding|in the chimney? The Book of... We were here. Just visiting. visiting.... You were|visiting the chimney? We wanted a fire. A soot ball|was blocking the flue. so Jacquasse, climbed on my shoulder. I started climbing up... And we slipped. Everything fell. No need to explain, Hub.|At 6200 francs a night, We can expect|the chimney to be swept. There was no soot ball! There's nothing! Come on. Jacqueline, call the roofer.|Tell him I refuse to pay the bill. Not if he leaves soot balls! Hub, you've got|some explaining to do. I am not Cousin Hubert.|I am Godefroy The Hardy. I was born|in the year of our Lord 1 079. I'm Jacquasse The Crass, his vassal.|I know not my date of birth. You're Godefroy, he's Joan of Arc,|and I'm the Queen of England. Okay? Okkk ayyy! This is the Hardy. Despite a vague resemblance,|he was a fat, hairy macho Who must have had|chronic halitosis... You know... Okkk ayyy! what are you doing here? I asked for a torch.|Make haste! Hubert, stop telling|tall tales. And what, pray tell, is this? Mere trickery? Hub! You knew where the dungeon was? Maybe we'll find|the Montmirail treasure. It's pitch black. I'll get my flashlight.|stay put. Yes? The torches died. Can I help you? what on earth happened here? who is responsible for this? 'Tis a piece o' rubbish! You can say that again. If your brother sees this,|it won't be a picnic. Cousin Hubert needs a torch. A flashlight.|I'll get you one. Okkk ayyy! Halogen flashlights.|A total must. Could someone serve me a scotch? I need a drink|before the other brother arrives to finish the seminar. Edgar and Edouard together... aren't easy. I'm waiting for sire's torch. sire? Cousin Hubert. Hubert de Montmirail|is your cousin? How amazing. so Jacquart is their cousin too? Nay nay nay! Aren't you Jacquart's brother? No. Your mother isn't his mother? My mother was Gwendolyne. she was devoured by woIves, because my father,|on his way to the tavern, fell in the icy lake|due to his club foot. How awful! How freaky! Freakkky! If I understand correctly, you're Jacquart's half-brother. Freakkky! Okkk ayyy! Freakkky! Freakkky! Yes, it sure is freaky. Jacquart is so secretive. There's no shame in having|a handicapped father. Okkk ayyy! sorry for your father. Thank you. why did that idiot|mention my father? what are you doing in the garbage,|you dirty thief? Come here. Let go of me, sleazeball.|I'm a Chernobyl victim. save it for the cops. Lady Ginette!|Release her, peasant. Lady Ginette is my friend. - she is a friend of yours?|- Yes. she is good-hearted.|she is welcome here. As you like, sir.|Her head was in the garbage bin. If you rummaged in garbage heaps,|you'd have a nicer bow-tie. People with money to burn dump lots of great stuff. Like I found these great stockings. what a ripe apple! You're letting them in? stow it. she's the boss's|brother's broad. They'll kick us out. Fear not.|The castle belongs to my family. No way! I'll give you a tour. Ladies and Gents. That's the office. Hold your tongue, wretch.|It is my youngling's office. He is kindred. what the hell is this? Jacqueline, what happened|in the halIway? It's your "youngling", sir. Those garbage heaps|fall apart if you sneeze. worry not. 'Tis my specialty. It needs oil. who let you in?|It's private here. I'm showing our castle to Lady Ginette.|This is my youngling. Hi youngling. she scuzzed up the Persian rug. The game's over. Get out,|or I'll call the cops. But you're my youngling. I love you. Thy success makes me proud. Let go, scum. Freddy, get the dog. Brutus? There are guests here. I don't care! Calm thyself, youngling.|we're kin. Chill out. Enough! Freddy, let him loose. You flubbed.|That's not the way out. we must find the chapel.|My treasure! He'll bite off|our family jewels! The chapel! The chapel!|The ruined abbey! welcome, Mr. Bernay. Long trip. Holy smoke! Holy Moses! You're loaded. what about the pooch? Your purse. we'll trap him. I know him not. surely one of our enemies. My youngling! Help! Hold on, youngling. - without you, I'd have died.|- Indeed. Leeches. serpent tongues. Rotten fish. All the old wizard's potions. A book!|The treasure is near. The Book of spells. All is lost. That just opened. I'm a little scared. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.|I'll go first. My youngling! Hub! Give me some slack. Hub, help me! Is there a Book? - My God!|- what is it? There's a note. Godefroy de Montmirail.|If you make it here, call immediately,|during office hours, 68 77 79. Ask for Mr. Ferdinand. In here. Not you. Only the man. - wait.|- sorry, youngling. I wanted... Great. Come closer.|Godefroy de Montmirail? The first Count to bear that name? Yes, 'tis l. I've been waiting 30 years. who are you? I am the descendant|of the wizard Eusaebius. I am charged|to send you back in time, so you can save the life of Eusaebius,|who is at this very moment... being horribly tortured. I prepared the potion,|following the recipe in my ancestor's Book of spells. Leave that.|The potion is on the shelf. The same ghastly odor. My ancestor's diary mentions your companion. - where is he?|- At the castle. You must leave with him before midnight. Or else,|you'll have to wait 33 years. If you don't return to your past, another future will take form, in which you have no descendants, because you never|married and fathered children. so? what was the big secret? Let's return to the castle. The chariot that arrested me. why the ambulance? Ma'am, hurry. It's your husband. Jean-Pierre? He was furious|that you had hung up on him. Then the dog bit him.|Come this way. Jean-Pierre, what happened? Jacquart's dog bit me|while I was paying the taxi. Your husband is baring his ass|to this woman. she's caressing his bun'lings. she's giving him a shot. OK? Get him out. I want my shot in peace. Excuse me, doctor. Excuse us. Is this Grand Central station?|I should charge admission! You're here. Yes. Did Brutus attack for no reason,|or did you excite him first? Excite who? Excuse me.|The dentist hurt himself? I'm sick of having|my ass stared at. Jean-Pierre, you're paranoid.|No one is staring. I have a phone call|for Cousin Hubert. Godefroy? Monijoie! It's Jacquasse, Godefroy.|No use shouting at the little box. stop screaming! speak calmly|into the little holes. where are you, peasant? Bowling Alley. with Lady Ginette.|And I'm no longer a peasant. Yo, Jacky. I roll the ball.|I'm having a ball! we're having balls. You were a good master,|Godefroy. sire Godefroy! Yes, Godefroy. The best master.|Better than Montfaucon. One minute, vassal. No vassal.|No more vassals. Leave your Lord alone,|peasants. who does he think he is? Peasants?|what does he mean? Problem, chief? No. Listen up. - we can go home.|- Home? Beer and Pernod? Godefroy, I'm staying. The beer and the Pernod:|are they for you? Okkk ayyy. Lady Ginette proposed to me. who's the bozo? A lounge lizard|with that floozy. she's wearing high heels. Come back! Best wishes to Lady Frenegonde. I'll miss you,|but I'm too happy here. You lunatic!|There's nothing for us here. I'll make do. You're wearing goddamned boots! Let me go!|I don't want your scummy shoes! Return here hastily. I refuse. very well. whatever you say. You're not angry? No. we all must die. Yes, I must warn you, Crass One. I happened upon a wizard today. He told me if you didn't return|before the full moon, your innards would rot. You'll die in great pain. I don't believe you.|You want to scare me. You're already rotting. Take as proof|the fetid odor in your mouth. Come back before tweIve, or else, farewell. sire Godefroy. sire Godefroy. Excuse my abruptness,|but I'm o'erjoyed to return home. Leaving already? How nice. where do you live exactly? Home. where is "home"? Here and there.|You couldn't understand. They're plotting something. They were nosing around the chimney. Really... I'll conduct an investigation|concerning your strange guest. Peasant, come here. what the hell, ass-breath! You smell like a dead skunk! where is Lady Beatrice? she's upstairs changing. Your cousin has agreed|to dine with Mr. Bernay of the Bernay and Bernay Bank. Our bank has aIways|appreciated the aristocracy. May the Lord bless you,|kind Bernay and Bernay. Is he teasing me? I doubt it. To think my ancestors|built all this! - That dungeon is to die for!|- we almost did. - what were you doing?|- I was showing... my all-too-logical husband|how we almost found the treasure. You played doctor there? Leave me now. You called me, Mr. Bernay? Tell me, Jacquart, is your cousin Montmirail a little la-dee-dah-ish? what is la-dee-dah-ish? Anyone can have a gay cousin|and an alcoholic father. There's no cause for embarrassment. who are you to insult|my happily-retired father? Do I ask if your father farts? Or if your wife boozes it up|in the closet? Talking about his family|is a major taboo. You know the dungeon? what is this? You entered my chamber|without requesting audience? Anything found in the dungeon|belongs to the hotel. whatever it's worth. what is that? Crack? LsD? Hand it over.|I'll have it analyzed. No tricks! I'm armed! Hilda? still there? Lucky me. Jump in a taxi and bring me|my black cocktail dress. we have a dinner. Hub, knock first! The little red balls. what now? You want a tranquilizer, Hub? what's wrong? He's making progress.|He realizes he's cracking up. Maybe he'll ask to be locked up. I am totally disappointed in you. I swear. Free us immediately. I'll reduce the sentence. - swallow, peasant.|- Enough's enough. Don't bother with me.|I'll keep quiet. - Is your cousin Hubert joining us?|- soon. They stop serving at 9:30. Countess. Let us eat. Did you know this dungeon existed? Of course not! Help! where is sergeant-Major Gibon? with Jacques-Henri.|Go have a drink. On the house. 'Twas much more hospitable|in the past. we burned entire trees. The walls and floors|were covered with rugs. Not an evening went by without|jugglers, minstrels, and trollops. I remember one evening, the fire-eater set afire|Lady Flegmonde's wig. we had to throw her|into the icy moat, fully-dressed. Family souvenirs are so vivid. He tells them so well.|You feel you're there. where? Isn't he the bum from the church? Are you okay, sugardaddy? I'm still not used|to this jalopy. Evening, wench. Hiya Missy. sir, ma'am... where's Mr. Godefroy, dammit? There. Ladies and Gents. Good evening, ma'am.|Good evening, sir. My Jacquasse. You came.|I am relieved. Ladies and Gents. Mr. Goulard. Come drink to our friends, my Crass. Before we leave. when is that? This evening. - Tonight?|- Traveling by night? Indeed. I prefer night-driving.|I have 20/20 vision. There are fewer road hogs. Except in the fog. I'm a helicopter-man myself. I am not going, sire. we're getting hitched. He's too shy to ask you|to be best man. You can stay too.|I have the antidote against rot. - Your purse, Ginette.|- Hold on, babe. My bag's a mess. so much room|you can shit in it! what? what do you do, Mr... Kass, as in... "gas". No rot can resist tooth pate! what? Pearly white! How 'bout that? That was really gross. Enough. what are you doing, bruiser? Throwing him out. Let go of him! what's going on? Are you okay? No, sire! You can't force me to go home! I'm not a vassal anymore! I'm free! Long live the Revolution! Look.|He's your youngling too. He was a good man.|He knew about justice. They cut off his head, peasant. Freddy! Help! who's that? Your youngling. You jailed him? I left it so they'll find him.|Drink! I'm in pain! Hub, it's Bea. what happened to Mr. Kass? My God! My belly! I have no time. Listen. I'm listening, Hubert. I'm not Hubert. I'm Godefroy Amaury de Malfete, Count of Montmirail, of Apremont|and of Popincourt. son of Aldebert de Malfete|and Thibaude de Montfaucon. I am your ancestor. Torch. Fred, it's you. Freddy. I beg your pardon, youngling. I'm sick of your song and dance.|I don't believe a word of it. so spill the beans. shit! Damn it! You don't believe me? I'll show|you something you've never seen. That no one has ever seen. That you'll never see again. sit thyself down, and watch. I'm going to vomit. Does your tummy ache? where is Mr. Kass? How did "Jacky" get so rich? An antique car is no bargain. It's his own personal fortune. His family owns this joint.|He wants us to tie the knot. why didn't you|tell me from the start? I did. You wouldn't listen. You're right.|I'm sorry Godefroy. I'm going, Beatrice. I am very happy to have known you. Godefroy, I'm so moved.|what can I say? we'll never meet again. It is so unique|to be able to touch you, my youngling,|my ever-so-young youngling. You know, I lied. I was not searching for a treasure,|but for the magic potion. Pardon me. No treasure can replace|our having met. Indeed. Nothing can equal|meeting one's descendants. Bea? Are you there? My life will seem so boring now. You must forget me. You have your children. Give Florian and Ondine|a big kiss from an old ancestor. And deep in your soul, keep a memory of me. I love you, my Beatrice. I love you too. A secret passage. This way! sergeant-Major Gibon? Are you okay?|You're not hurt? No, Jean-Pierre. where did Hubert go? You're too rational to understand. spare me your lame interpretations.|Answer me, please. where is your cousin? He left with Mr. Kass. Is the sheriff gone? what are you saying?|Mr. Kass is here. Mr. Kass! Hush! I must find Lady Ginette. who left with...? shit! A bear is chasing her! steer clear, beloved!|steer clear! Come back! If you find enough force in yourself, you will be able to change the course of the arrow. Holy scrotums! You almost pierced'st me! slay the father of my lady-love? Your absence was an eternity, dear Godefroy. - It's hard!|- sorry, beloved. Jacquasse,|where are you, peasant? Fetch my crossbow. He's here, sire. A-snoring in clown clothes. where are we? where's Freddy? who are you? Take my crossbow.|Oil it at the castle. what are you doing here? Jump in the river.|You stinketh. so Crass?|Have you been sucking up wine? what the hell is going on? Obey your Lord. I don't want|to whip you on his wedding day! Indeed! Obey hastily, my Jacquasse. shit! Fuck! Freakkky! Okkk ayyy! Hand over your jewels! Cousin Hubert!|what is this nightmare? what the hell is going on? I'm hallucinating! what the hell is going on? subtitled by Andrew Litvak A little hello to credit-loverS! |
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