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White Palace

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Maxie, it's Neil. Don't forget the burgers, pal.
Corner of Olive and 18th. It'll be ready at 7:30.
[Beep beep beep]
[Telephone rings]
Hello. It's your mother.
Don't forget tomorrow we visit Janey.
You'll pick me up at the store at 4:00.
[Door closes]
MAN: All right!
[Music playing]
Ha ha ha!
Max! Max is here!
White Palace burgers!
Hi. What are you drinking?
It's a bachelor party. I'm getting married.
Oh! Oh!
WOMAN: Hey, what about me? I want one.
Hey, Max, some of these boxes are empty, man.
Son of a bitch. Look at this.
I got three... four of them.
How could they be empty?
What's that? Five?
I got six, six empty boxes.
Shit. I should've counted them. Sorry.
Come on. It's a 49-cent burger.
I'm going back. You want burgers or money?
- Are you crazy? - What's he talking about?
What's the matter with you? We're having a party!
We've been crapped on, Neil.
What is the trouble?
The trouble is you don't give a damn about principle.
Are you kidding? I'm a lawyer.
MAN: Hey! Hey! Hey!
- Excuse me. - End of the line's over there.
- I'm not buying anything. - Get in line, Fred.
Look inside the sack, please.
When it's your turn. $2.35.
I don't think I need to get in line.
I already was in line.
I bought 50 burgers. You only gave me 44,
so I don't think I have to wait.
- Is that so? - That is so.
Look. Six empties. I want my money back.
And how do I know you didn't gobble up those burgers?
Because I don't gobble and I don't lie.
You gave me six empty boxes.
I bought 50 burgers. You gave me 44.
Do I get my money back or go to the manager?
Smell the boxes. Here.
If there had been White Palaces inside,
the boxes would stink, wouldn't they?
Honey, my nose is so full of White Palaces,
I couldn't smell one shoved in my face.
Yo, buddy, I'd like to get my hamburgers.
Will you leave Mr. Astaire alone?
He's trying to report a robbery here.
Thank you.
Are you Jewish? I'm just guessing.
Hey! It's Honest Abe!
I got the money back, Neil.
You'll need it for therapy. You're a nutcase.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I introduce...
the future Mrs. Neil Horowitz?
Damn. She is fat.
She is always going to be fat,
but she's a very sweet woman.
Oh! Max, look.
It's you.
Hey, Max with the fiddle. You were good, man.
You were good.
It's the fiddler.
Oh, Stravinsky.
What's next?
Who is that?
Is that Margie Brown?
NEIL: No. It's Janey.
Look how young she is.
When did you start going out with her? Kindergarten?
Something like that. Yeah.
NEIL: She was beautiful.
Klugman, what else you got back there, huh?
Come on. Come on!
LARRY: It's stuck. Give me a second.
Could somebody flip the light switch?
NEIL: Max, have another scotch, buddy.
Let's see. Who wants another one?
You're turning into the crazy old woman from Dickens,
the one who sits around in her wedding dress
cherishing her fucking grief.
Yeah. That's who you're turning into.
When's the last time you had a date?
What if I told you...
I wasn't interested in getting laid right now?
Interest in getting laid is the human condition,
for Christ's sakes, Max.
It's all around you.
Heidi Solomon.
Oh, please.
She salivates over you every day.
Rita Fishman... she's gorgeous.
She would sleep...
If I choose to be celibate,
that's not your business.
This isn't celibacy we're talking about.
It's fucking necrophilia.
Good night, Neil.
- Great party. - Yeah. Thanks. Thanks, Max.
You're feeling sorry for yourself.
Makes me want to puke!
Blah-ha hah!
Whoa ho!
WOMAN: Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
WOMAN: Wait a minute.
Aah! Ha ha!
MAN SINGING: What would it take
to make you mine?
Ivory towers of wine
A rugged movie star that looks so fine?
You know they're really hard to find
What would it take to make you mine?
I'd stay home all the time
Give you everything that's mine
Even though I'm paying on time
What would it take
To make
You mine?
MAX: Chivas and a splash.
MAN SINGING: make you mine?
A condo in a sunny clime
Compatible astrology signs
Or sitting round gettin' high?
What would it take to make you mine?
Champagne breakfast at 9:00
Pumped up all of the time
Or simply just sayin' that I'd
Like to make you mine
All mine
All mine?
Some coincidence, huh?
I'll give you a hint, Fred.
I ain't exactly Ginger Rogers.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, huh?
Oh, no, what? Huh?
I don't know. Just oh, no.
What are you doing in a dump like this?
You looking for trouble?
I'm having a drink.
No, thank you.
I know, I know. Smoking will kill me.
That's right.
Mmm. Well, come on. Lecture me.
I love it. Come on.
I don't lecture.
Fred, I bet you lecture everybody.
Yeah? Not tonight.
Good. How about another drink? Jimmy, vodka tonic and...
- I don't want another drink. - Scotch for my new friend here.
- What's your name? - I don't want another drink.
Come on. Let me buy you a drink.
Let's pass a peace pipe. Come on. Huh?
I'm buying.
- Thanks, Jimmy. - No, no. I got...
- I'm paying for it. - I don't want you to.
- I am buying you a drink. - Here. For both of them.
Please. All right. OK.
Look at you. You're so cute.
You're all tensed up like a ticklish little kid.
Damn. You are beautiful. Look at that face.
Jimmy, is this a beautiful face?
Anybody ever tell you you look like Tony Curtis?
- All the time. - Ha ha!
I had a wonderful dream.
I was sorting your shells and mixing your cocktails.
When I woke up, I wanted to swim right back to you.
"Some Like It Hot." Did you ever see it?
- It's not a tough question. - No, no.
- Marilyn Monroe. - Yeah, I saw that.
God, she's something. Mmm.
MAX: Yeah. She is.
You swim?
Do I swim?
Yeah. You look like you swim.
I mean, you're not real muscular,
but you're strong, am I right?
I think you're drunk.
Yeah. If I get any drunker, I'll fall all over you.
What's with the monkey suit? You a chauffeur?
Oh, no. I was at a bachelor party.
Did you have a naked girl?
MAX: A dozen of them.
You got a wife?
No, I don't.
You're not sure?
I don't have a wife.
But you did have one, right?
Yeah, that's r... yeah. That's correct.
She leave you? Is that how come you're so sad?
I'm not sad.
You're feeling sorry for yourself.
Do you mind if we change the subject?
Hi, Tony.
Hi, Fred.
Come on.
Tell me your name.
Mine's Nora.
Oh, that's cute.
What's your zip code? Hmm?
What kind of soap does your wife use?
Maybe you should take your hand off my thigh.
My hand's not on your thigh.
Sorry about your lady dumping you.
- She didn't exactly dump me. - What did she do, then?
She died.
You mean died?
That's a new one.
How did she do that?
Car turned over.
Ha ha ha!
Oh, I'm s...
I'm sorry. I just... I can't help it.
That's all right.
I don't know why I'm laughing.
Your wife died.
Maybe nobody ever died on you before.
No. Charlie died.
Charlie? What? Is that your doggie?
Charlie... my kid.
Your kid?
I know, I know. I know.
How'd he die?
What can you do?
The world spins around.
I'm sorry.
It's over...
Good night.
MAN SINGING: This good-hearted woman
She loves her good-timin' man
Drive me home. I'll fix you a cup of coffee.
Actually, I missed the bus.
I don't live too far from here.
Come on. You don't want me to take a taxi.
- Don't smoke in the car, OK? - Deal.
Put your seat belt on.
It's all right. Hold on.
You're a cautious little doggie.
[Operatic aria playing]
What's that?
That is the most beautiful music in the world.
You got any Oak Ridge Boys?
No. I'm afraid not.
What are you? Are you Italian or something?
I'm Jewish.
Interesting people... Jews.
I was Catholic myself once, but confession made me jumpy.
I tried them all, but I never did try to find Moses.
Tell you the truth, I don't know very many Jews.
This guy tried to shove Brigham Young on my ass once.
Go left at Clayton.
That's... well, that's Dogtown.
That's what they call it. Go left here.
Turn... turn left!
[Horn honks]
- You're drunk. - I'm all right.
No. You're drunk.
- OK. Turn again. - Where?
Right here!
[Tires screech]
Ha ha ha!
I love him.
That's a drunk driving the drunk.
[Key-alert chimes]
I just can't...
ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Ha ha ha!
Come on, beautiful.
Let me fix you some coffee.
You're too drunk to drive.
- I'm all right. - No. Come on.
Come on.
Ha ha ha! Ohhh.
Don't slip on the Astroturf.
Ha ha ha!
NORA: Make yourself at home.
[Glass breaks]
MAX: What exactly is there between you and Marilyn Monroe?
NORA: Oh, she's just so fucked up and glamorous...
and losing and fighting all the time, you know?
I seen all her movies at least five times,
and also my name is Nora Baker,
and her real name is Norma Jean Baker.
Get it?
How about that coffee?
How about it?
Could have sworn I had me a full can of Maxwell House.
There's no coffee?
Why don't I fix you a drink instead?
MAX: A drink?
No. I'm trying to get my ass home in one piece.
If you can't drive, you might as well drink, right?
How can you be out of coffee?
This couch opens up into a bed.
- I'm not staying here. - I'll wake you up early.
No. I'm not going to sleep here.
What do you want to do?
You want to call a taxi and come back in the morning?
Do you have a bathroom?
I don't feel very well.
I think I might just lie down for a moment.
Poor baby.
You're so beautiful.
Say please.
NORA: Find anything interesting?
I hope you had a good time.
You needed it.
Will I see you again?
NORA: For a minute there, I really did think...
you were just going to up and surprise me.
Hello, Max. This is your mother.
[Tape fast forwards]
NEIL: Hey, partner, sorry about the lecture.
I was way out of line. Where the hell are you?
You didn't jump off a bridge, did you?
Call me. I promise not to make you screw anybody.
MAX: Ha ha ha!
Hello, Max. It's Heidi Solomon.
I'm taking a chance here, but, uh...
I've got an extra ticket to the symphony tonight.
It's all Schumann,
and I'd love for you to join me if you're free.
So why don't you give me a call?
919-1044. Bye-bye.
[Beep beep beep]
They're supposed to pull the leaves off.
It's in the contract.
Don't you tell them?
You have to scream at them,
or they don't pull the leaves off.
What are you doing?
Mother, I'll tell them.
Go ahead. Put the stone on.
[Mother crying]
Two years.
It seems like yesterday.
I'm going to go see Uncle Harry.
[Lmagines hearing Nora moaning during sex]
NORA: See you!
It's over!
Well, I'll be.
I never thought I'd see you again.
I, uh... I came to replace your mailbox.
I pro... I should have called first. I'm sorry.
I don't want to bother you.
I just was...
I'm 43.
I'll be 44 in December.
I'm 27.
NORA: Ha ha ha!
WOMAN SINGING: Women peak at 40
And men at 19
I 'member laughing my head off
When I read that in a magazine
I was 20 at the time
Now I'm starin' 40
Right in the face
And the only tough part of being
A woman my age
Is a man my age
That's why younger men are
Startin' to catch my eye
I'm startin' to stop what I'm doin'
Just to turn around and watch 'em walk by
At the very next opportunity
I'm gonna give a younger man a try
Oh, 'cause younger men
Are startin' to catch my eye
MAN: It's a classical station.
[Woman gasps]
MAX: Oh. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
For Christ's sakes.
I'm sorry.
WOMAN SINGING: Some of 'em drink too much
A whole lot of 'em are married
And, honey, here am I
On the threshold of all that fun
Oh, 'cause younger men
Are startin' to catch my eye
Yes, I said younger men
Are startin' to catch my eye
Why'd you shut the door?
When my best young workaholic starts dragging himself in...
an hour late every morning,
90 minutes late from lunch today,
I need to know what it means.
Though I love and cherish you...
as I do few members of your loathsome sex...
My personal life is my business.
Everyone around here takes long lunch breaks.
Oh, Lord.
I'm getting so stupid in my old age.
- Who is she? - You wouldn't know her.
Don't be so sure. It's a tiny world.
What's her name?
Marilyn Monroe.
Anything like Janey?
What if I don't answer that?
She's 23.
Out of where? University of Wisconsin.
Full of pep, clean as a whistle,
drives a white Ford Mustang convertible,
runs a tidy ship.
You got it.
Ain't life grand suddenly?
That's what I count on in life... surprises.
Just when things seem ordinary or downright hopeless,
along comes that unexpected opportunity. Right?
What are you getting at?
I'm giving you the Fidelity Savings account.
I'll be senior copywriter, but you'll do the work.
- Do you want it? - Of course I do.
One minute you're selling ham, the next, you're pushing money.
But screw on your own time.
Fidelity Savings is big leagues.
What is it? Tell me. Tell me.
Open it. Open it.
You brought me cleaning equipment.
I didn't bring you Brillo. It's a Dustbuster.
You bring me flowers or Jell-O,
but don't bring me cleaning equipment.
You're overreacting.
Do you understand what I'm saying?
Yeah. You have Ring Dings under your furniture.
I don't care what's under my furniture.
This is where I live.
You don't like my Ring Dings, tough shit.
All right, so if I bring you perfumes and soap...
That's not the same.
You bring me that stuff because you care about me.
Or something. You're bringing this son of a bitch...
because you think my house is dirty.
Your house IS dirty. Look at how you keep it.
Look at your hallway. Look at your kitchen.
You look at my kitchen.
Sometimes it isn't so easy to look at your kitchen.
Well, try.
This is so...
Iook at all this shit.
Take this little motherfucker home.
I don't want it here.
- Nora... - Take it home!
I'm sorry.
I never had a man fix me dinner before.
You make me feel beautiful.
You're so sweet.
We decided we were going to go to Disneyland.
It's a safe date, you know? So I see her...
MAX: Next Saturday night... NORA: Yeah?
I told my mother I'd help her with her finances.
I do it a couple times a year.
After she's finished work, I promised I'd pick her up.
That's a nice thing, balancing the books.
I said I'd pick her up after work.
I know. I heard you.
So, are you working Saturday night?
You antsy or something?
No. I just don't feel like watching TV.
- I don't make you watch TV. - I never said you did.
- You seem to like it. - Sometimes I do.
- Is something bothering you? - No.
Suddenly you don't like TV.
I think we should have some other subjects to talk about.
What's wrong with our subjects?
Nothing. I'm just saying we should talk more...
instead of sitting around watching TV all night.
- What would Janey talk about? - It's not about Janey.
All right. If you want to talk, let's talk.
Marcia's fooling around with Marvin.
He's the night manager.
I'm going to slug him one of these days...
if he doesn't keep his cottonpicking hands to himself.
- Is that what you mean? - No, it's not what I mean.
Well, if you want to talk about geography or the Greeks,
I don't know dick about the Greeks.
What's up? You want out?
What are you talking about?
We're different, OK?
I'm sorry.
- Lf you want to go, go. - I don't want to go.
I don't understand you. You're acting strange.
- Maybe you should go home. - I don't want to go home.
I'm sorry.
Will you stop being sorry all the time?
I'm sorry that I'm sorry. I just...
- What's bugging you anyway? - You're the one that's antsy.
Something's bothering you.
That's how this whole thing started.
My nails are wet.
My nails are all wet.
[Glass breaks]
Mazel tov!
- Saunter me over there. - What are you talking about?
- I want to get them together. - Who?
- Max and Rita. - Max and Rita? I don't think so.
Let me try. Come on. Saunter me over there.
This isn't sauntering. This is pulling.
Max, there's somebody here who's dying to meet you.
Rita Fishman.
She's single, and she just caught my bouquet.
- I don't think so. - Why not?
All these weeks we've tried to find out...
where he's been hiding...
- Yeah? - He's been seeing somebody.
- Why didn't you bring her? - She was busy.
Spill the dirt. She's a rich client, right?
We embarrass you, right?
When we get back from St. Bart's,
we are having Thanksgiving.
You're coming, Max,
and you're bringing your lady friend.
- Well, we'll see. - Yes, you are.
Yes, you are. Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
MAX: Nora?
What are you doing out there?
- Electricity's out. - How come?
Because I didn't pay my bill.
Poor people are a hoot, aren't they?
Why didn't you say something? I could've written you a check.
Because I don't want your charity.
I'm doing just fine.
What's the matter with you?
Why don't you take that pretty bouquet...
and put it in some water?
NORA: Did you have a nice time at the wedding?
MAX: Shit.
NORA: They turned it out when I was at work,
so I had to sit in the dark when I come home.
I'm afraid of the dark.
Maybe I forgot to tell you how I'm afraid of the dark.
So I called information and got your mother's number.
And surprise.
I told her I was a friend of yours... in the dark.
Didn't even get to watch "Some Like It Hot" on TV.
Your mom says she likes Marilyn, but she thinks she was murdered.
I'm sorry.
Yeah, you're always sorry.
So... who'd you bring to this shindig?
Some fresh young thing with a tight little ass...
and a college education?
Bet you I got one thing up on her.
Bet she can't hold a candle to me in the fucking department.
That's enough.
NORA: I might be a dumb Hoosier,
but that's one thing I know how to do, don't I, baby?
And I'll say when it's enough.
There's no other woman.
NORA: Bullshit.
I wish there was, but there isn't.
I can't look at another woman without wanting you.
I'm afraid you're going to have to do better than that.
MAX: Nora, I don't know... NORA: Why did you lie to me?!
I don't know what's happening to me.
I have never wanted a woman as much as I wanted you,
never, not even my wife.
You better be careful with words like that.
Words like that could kill a person if you don't mean it.
Well, I mean it.
That you love me more than you do your wife?
I didn't say that.
I said I wanted you more than my wife.
What's the difference?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I only know that when I'm not with you,
I'm a total wreck.
NORA: And when you are with me?
I'm a different kind of total wreck.
Why did you lie to me?
MAX: Have you ever been to a Jewish wedding?
Not recently.
It wouldn't have been that easy.
I wanted to save us a cross-examination.
Oh, bullshit.
You were embarrassed to take me there, weren't you?
Nora, that's not true.
There's nothing I hate more than being lied to.
I'd rather have a man beat me up.
At least then you stand a chance of defending yourself.
You know, every time we have a date...
and you show up on time...
I'm so damn grateful, it's downright sickening.
Because I don't expect you to show up at all.
But you do.
And every time you do, I just can't believe it.
And I'm so damn happy because...
because I'm thinking maybe you'll stick around a while.
NORA: And I'm believing in you.
Because you told me the first time that I met you...
that you didn't gobble and you didn't lie.
I don't give a shit if you gobble,
but don't you ever lie to me again.
Because I'll forgive you once, but I won't forgive you twice.
[Football game playing on television]
[Knock on door]
[Loud knocking]
Everything all right here?
Yep. Oop.
Oh, jeez.
Don't tell me. You are... Ray.
WOMAN: Ned? MAX: No.
It has three letters.
Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Well, who am I?
I don't have any idea who you are.
Well, I'm Judy.
I am Nora's big sister.
Her sister?
JUDY: Where is that girl?
She's at work.
May I come in?
Uh, um, yeah. Come in.
JUDY: Thank you. I'm not surprised...
if she didn't tell you anything about me.
JUDY: Who's winning?
MAX: I don't know. I, uh... fell asleep.
She never was very tidy.
I left her back home with Mr. And Mrs. Robles.
I can still see her face watching me walking up the road.
Maybe I should've taken her with me that day,
but I just didn't know how.
I didn't know where I was going myself.
God, I was only 17.
But I heard a voice that told me to pack up and go...
and I believed it.
And there was that face,
watching me leave her behind with no warning.
But here you are.
I could feel it in Albuquerque.
We call that precognition.
- Do you believe in precognition? - I've never experienced it.
Oh, such beautiful eyes.
I can see the pain in them, though.
I'd like a drink. Do you want a drink?
JUDY: Max.
JUDY: Don't you resist me.
Well, frankly, I'm a nonbeliever.
JUDY: That's OK. That don't matter.
JUDY: Now, there are many strong forces at work in your life.
Yeah, I'd say so.
You're so intelligent and...
Come here.
JUDY: You're not satisfied in your work.
You're a teacher.
I was.
Well, you're going to teach again.
You need more faith.
Your life is heavily influenced by women.
I see an older woman. It's your mother.
She's a hard-working woman.
I see Nora.
You're trying to make a place for Nora.
I see someone else.
There's another woman in the way...
someone on the other side.
There's something wrong with her neck.
It's broken.
How did you know that?
What, honey?
MAX: How could you know that?
Know what, honey? Don't be afraid.
Come on. There's no evil here.
You got to have faith in the unknown,
and then you'll come to know it.
NORA: Anybody here want a drink?
JUDY: Oh, heavens, no.
I gave that up years ago.
You're not drinking too much, are you?
NORA: Ha ha!
JUDY: I want to hear all about your life these days.
NORA: My life's just fine.
Oh, I think that's just wonderful.
How about your job?
Are you still in, what, food preparation?
And I can see how your romantic life is going.
I believe the stars are in your favor.
NORA: Judy. JUDY: Hmm?
Max doesn't want to hear about that shit.
MAX: That's OK.
Not everybody is as negative...
about the influence of the stars as you are.
Come on. I want to know how you two met.
I picked him up in a bar. How's that?
I was drunk, and she was drunk,
and I liked her looks,
so I convinced her to let me bring her home,
and I seduced her on the sofa bed,
and it was magic,
and I keep coming back for more.
JUDY: That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard.
This man loves you.
Thanks, Max.
A lot going on behind those eyes, huh?
I thought you were fake.
Well, the proof's always in the pudding, isn't it?
Besides, nothing to be afraid of, you know.
I never tell people what they'd be better off not knowing.
You know, I try and stay on the positive side.
I see something negative, I just keep it to myself.
I gave Nora a reading when Charlie was just a baby.
I saw right then how he'd end up.
I never told Nora, of course,
but I just had to carry that secret all those years...
because I saw him, you know...
lying right there in that section of the river Des Peres,
right where they found him 14 years later.
Everybody thought it was an accident,
but he was full of whiskey, full of drugs.
Maybe she thought that boy might be her finest hour...
but given fate and a son-of-a-bitch husband...
her own not believing in herself...
she lost in life again.
I think maybe she gave up trying anything after that...
maybe till you.
Well, bye. I got to go.
I got to be in New York City by Thursday.
I'm cooking a turkey for my friends.
[Door opens and closes]
NORA: Did she go?
How come you never told me about her?
Because she left me a long time ago.
She loves you.
She wants her family.
I don't know about family anymore.
Are you and I family?
MAX: "Mushrooms."
Yeah, um, "asparagus, basil, olive oil,
coffee, toilet paper."
Wait. I forgot parmesan.
No. I got it.
I'll be right back. We need Reggiano.
Quarter pound of Reggiano, please.
P. A: Produce, pick up the line for a price check,
register two.
Max Baron, shame on you.
Where have you been?
We can't reach you anywhere.
I just left my millionth Thanksgiving invitation...
on your machine.
Rachel, thank you. How are you?
Super. Now, I want you to bring your mystery lady, too.
Hi there. How are you?
I'll be right back.
P. A: We need a price check on register two, please.
Price check on register two.
RACHEL: You never call me anymore.
MAX: Remember last Thanksgiving?
RACHEL: I know, but it won't be that bad.
No, I promise... I won't let it, OK?
I'm in sort of a hurry, Rachel.
I'm counting on you.
I want to see your beautiful new friend,
and I want you to see my beautiful new house.
I'm not sure we can make it, but I'll call you tomorrow.
CASHIER: $129.14, please.
- How much? - $129.14.
P. A: Cleanup on aisle 7 A.
MAX: Sorry. Here's some cheese.
What took you so long?
I ran into a woman. I forget her name.
She's a big talker.
How we doing?
How about a drink?
How about it?
It's so quiet here.
What do you have to pay to live here?
MAX: You know, rents are high these days.
NORA: So what do you pay?
MAX: A lot.
Wait a minute. We get naked with each other...
and touch each other and you get inside me,
and you can't tell me how much rent you pay?
Your landlord knows. You're not even fucking him.
MAX: I pay $1,200. So what?
NORA: So nothing. That's my point.
You read all these?
MAX: Most of them.
You ever heard of Arthur Miller?
He was real good to Marilyn.
He kept her going when she was coming apart.
Except for him, she would have died a lot earlier.
She was in real trouble,
trouble nobody knew anything about.
She wasn't afraid of Arthur.
I think Marilyn was afraid of everybody, don't you?
- Why do you say that? - I just guess she was.
Why'd you cover up the message machine?
I didn't c...
Hello, Max. It's your mother.
Suddenly I was invited...
to the Horowitzes' for Thanksgiving.
So why not to their wedding? So are you going to take me?
Let me know.
Where are you?
I have a funny earache. Why aren't you home anymore?
Hello, Max Baron. This is Corrine Miller.
Remember me? Creative Director at Corwin, Hiller, and Greene?
Let's have breakfast sometime.
Maxie, it's Heidi Solomon, and you don't call me back.
Is it true you have a lady in your life?
Oh, well. Give me a call.
Max, it's Rachel.
I invited your mother for Thanksgiving.
Was that so bad of me?
You still haven't told me...
if you're bringing your mystery woman for turkey dinner...
I mean, unless you'd like to bring Rita Fishman.
She'd die to come with you.
This is my millionth message, Max,
and in case the word isn't out, I'm pregnant.
Call us.
NEIL: Missing pal, what goes? You don't live there anymore?
Look, Rachel got crazy, invited your mother to Thanksgiving.
Don't blame me. Call me, OK?
So were you going to invite me?
I don't know if I want to go to the Horowitzes' myself...
for Thanksgiving.
Liar, liar, pants on fire.
NORA: I know I'm a big secret to your friends.
Well, if I go, you're going. Are you up to it?
Screw the Horowitzes.
Truth is, I'm working Thanksgiving.
You are not working Thanksgiving.
We are going to go to the Horowitzes'.
NORA: This is her, huh?
That's her.
Hey, Janey.
What do you think we should do, huh?
Should we go to the Horowitzes',
or should we just eat at White Palace?
Maybe we should have some turkey with Heidi Heidi Ho...
or cranberry sauce...
with Corin, Borin, Storin, and Fishface.
Do you think we should do...
Here's what we're going to do.
We're going to go and have Thanksgiving dinner...
at the Horowitzes'.
You up to it?
They're expecting another Janey.
Janey's dead.
I'm going to go in there. I'm going to say,
"Hello. My name is Nora, and you can all go fuck yourselves.
I'm not Janey." How's that?
Except I think I made a big mistake with these shoes...
and maybe my hair.
Nora, your hair is fine.
You're not going to all be talking Jewish, are you?
I was going to make a sweet potato pie,
but then I thought, everybody loves noodle pudding.
What is that?
MAX: She's a friend of mine. Her name is Nora.
You be nice, Mother, or I'll beat the shit out of you.
Come on. Nora, this is my mother Edith.
NORA: Nice to meet you.
Do you mind if I sit in the front?
I get carsick if I sit in the back.
No, no.
MAX: Sorry. NORA: It's OK.
She's no spring chicken.
Just get in the car.
Come on in.
BOY: Whee!
Hey, no running. No running.
BOY: Hi there, Max.
Honey! Rach, Max is here!
Rach? Honey, Max is here.
RACHEL: Oh, coming!
Hello. I'm Rachel Horowitz.
Hello, Edith. I'm so happy you could come.
EDITH: I brought you my noodle pudding.
RACHEL: Thank you, Edith. You didn't have to do that.
Rachel, this is Nora Baker.
Welcome to our home, Nora. Let me take your coat.
Thank you, Max. What would you like to drink?
Oh, do you drink?
Sometimes. Yeah.
Um, do you have vodka and tonic?
RACHEL: We have everything. And scotch for you, Max?
MAX: No. I'll have a vodka and tonic, too.
Really? Hmm.
Neil, would you fix two vodka and tonics?
Two vodka tonics!
Now, Max knows everybody, I think.
Sherri? Sherri?
WOMAN: I'm right here.
This is Sherri Klugman.
Sherri, Nora Baker.
Hello, Nora. Lovely to meet you.
NORA: Thank you. Same here.
- Hi, Max. - Hey, Sherri.
Two vodka tonics.
RACHEL: Nora, this is Neil's father Sol Horowitz.
This is Nora Baker, Dad.
Hello, Max.
RACHEL: Sol, you know Max.
One of my favorites.
Uh, would you excuse me? I have to check the kitchen.
I have a cranberry problem.
- You OK? - Mm-hmm.
Go easy. We have the whole day ahead of us.
You sure you're all right?
Stop asking me that.
Darling! Oh!
It's so good to see you.
Oh, darling, can you believe it?
I'm going to be a grandmother.
I know. How about that? How are you doing?
Oh, well, Sol took me to Italy for my birthday.
That's how I'm doing.
Oh, isn't this house terrific?
Is Rachel one lucky girl?
Ha ha!
Oh, and, Noreen...
- Nora. - Nora!
- Very nice to meet you. - Nice to meet you.
Little Maxie.
This is Rachel's mother. Nora Baker, Sophie Rosen.
Oh, I'm sorry!
It was an accident. I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to get it on your carpet.
Don't worry about it.
Just relax, darling.
It's no big deal.
- Hello. - Hi.
- You're Max's lady. - I'm with him.
I'm Larry Klugman.
Max and I went to high school together.
Nora Baker.
Oh! Your glass is empty.
What are you drinking?
Vodka, straight.
What do you think of our boy?
Nice boy.
Here we go.
Vodka, straight.
Honey, can I see you a second, please?
I want to show you the kitchen chairs.
They're exactly what we've been looking for.
LARRY: Sure.
Excuse us, please.
Sure. You better get a peek at those chairs, Lar.
Hey, huh?
WOMAN: Edith, don't worry about it.
EDITH: Please. I did it. I want to clean up.
Edith, you're a guest in the house.
I know, but I want to get this spot out.
- Just sit down. - I did it.
Just relax.
EDITH: I feel so embarrassed.
WOMAN: Lt'll come out. Believe me, it'll come out.
NEIL: In a minute!
WOMAN: Pamela!
SECOND WOMAN: How are you, Doreen?
MAX: Nora.
MAX: Nora.
Oh! I'm terribly sorry. It wasn't locked.
No, it's all right. I was just leaving.
I was putting on my lipstick.
That's all right.
Good color... your lipstick.
And I love your sweater.
Listen, I'll just leave you alone here.
SHERRl: You can smoke.
Larry smokes like a chimney.
So... you live in St. Louis?
You work in town?
Yeah, I do.
What's your work?
I'm in, uh, food preparation.
Food preparation?
That's interesting.
You mean... catering?
I'm a waitress.
White Palace. It's a hamburger restaurant.
What do you do?
I'm a decorator.
Ohh. I love this scent. Smell.
Isn't it subtle?
Oh, very subtle.
So... how did you meet Max?
He came in for a burger. Ha ha!
How romantic.
You know, he's quite a catch, our Max.
How did you ever do it?
I give a good blow job, I guess.
I'll bet you do.
Ha ha! I'll bet you don't.
Look, I'm not Janey, OK?
I don't know who you are or where you came from,
but you're a guest in this house,
and there was a Janey, but no one is mad at you,
and we don't want to judge you, and I don't think...
you should be so fast to judge other people's blow jobs...
because what you see isn't always what you get.
[Many people talking]
SOL: We haven't had decent leadership in this country...
the past 10 years.
NEIL: Dad, what about tax reform? What about defense?
SOL: What about a trillion-dollar deficit?
If we don't have the money, how can we keep spending it?
You're a very nice girl, Rachel.
You're my favorite daughter-in-law.
But would it kill you to pick up a newspaper...
- Aw, Dad! - Sol, please!
Iran scam, H.U.D., El Salvador.
I tell you, those guys will be lucky...
if they come off any better than Nixon.
I don't know. They seem like pretty nice guys to me.
You can't be serious.
She's entitled to her opinion.
I'm sorry. You have to forgive me.
I'm terrible with names.
I told you twice already.
SOL: Dora, let me just say this.
That is precisely the kind of attitude...
that's landed this country in the mess that it's in today.
I don't know if you have any children or not, but if you do,
and they inherit a lifetime of crippling debt,
then I'm not so sure they'll be such nice guys anymore.
NEIL: Dad, come on!
I'm talking about people, folks,
who are unmitigated tragedies for the working class.
Mister, I am working class.
And what the hell do you know about it anyway?
It doesn't look to me like you've been missing many meals.
Sol, enough politics, already. It's Thanksgiving!
NORA: It doesn't make any difference to me...
who's in the goddamn White House.
Merle Haggard could be made president,
and I'll be in Shit City.
I'll still be choking on burger grease.
I'll still be busting my hump for the minimum fucking wage,
and Betty here... she'll be serving you turkey...
for 30 bucks a day, right?
Excuse me.
I'm going home.
SOL: Max.
Max. Max.
Max. Max!
Max, bring her back in here. She's still a person.
I came with them. I have to leave with them.
RACHEL: No, no! You don't have to go home.
SOL: Max.
Max, bring her in here!
I don't expect you to sleep here tonight.
You're a son of a bitch. You know that?
What did I do?
You lied to me again.
That woman I saw you talking to in the supermarket...
that was Rachel.
You told me you forgot her name.
NORA: You just didn't want us to meet.
The truth is, you were a little anxious that day.
I didn't think that you were up to an introduction.
NORA: You had no intention of inviting me to Thanksgiving.
You were trapped into it.
You hide me like I'm shit.
You tell me I'm beautiful, and then you hide me like shit.
NORA: You lied to me.
How can you talk to me about lying?
What about that thing you carry around with you all day...
that I never hear about? What about Charlie?
Judy told me the truth about Charlie.
You leave my Charlie out of this.
That's none of your business.
I took you into my life tonight. It is my business.
You were trapped into it.
I took you there.
Max, what are you going to do?
Just going to keep me in some little box...
and take me out whenever you feel like playing with me?
NORA: Do you think I'm a fool?
No, I don't think you're a fool.
I just wanted to get that straight.
Now leave me alone, will you?
Looking for Nora?
MAX: Yeah.
Yeah... she's finished. Hmm!
WOMAN: She quit.
What do you mean?
I mean she quit.
She just quit.
by the time you read this letter, I'll be gone.
You won't believe me,
but I'm doing this for both of us.
If I told you where I'm at,
it would only make it harder on us, so I won't.
Charlie is the only thing I ever lied about to you.
The rest is true, including how you made me feel...
real good about myself sometimes.
Yeah, sometimes I think Charlie did it...
to get back at his father and me.
We weren't the best parents, and I guess that's something...
I'll always have trouble having in my heart.
I'm sorry about what happened...
but I know it's wrong for us to be together...
even though I love you.
So I'm leaving town.
Please don't look for me.
No matter what you say you feel about me...
I know one thing for sure.
You can't look me in the eye...
and tell me I don't embarrass you.
Love, Nora.
NEIL: Hey, Maxie. I heard you're having problems.
Now it's time to cheer up.
Heidi Solomon's having a brunch on Sunday.
All your friends are coming, so you be there.
You hear me?
We all love you. Bye.
[Beep beep beep]
Can I get you anything?
Yeah. Sure.
OK. Excuse me.
I got to tell you something.
- You look great. - Thank you.
...for about six weeks?
What got you to go to Africa?
Oh, well, I like photography,
and they have these photographic safaris.
Did you take the pictures over there?
Yeah. Can you believe it?
MAX: They're very good. You should be a professional.
Well... well, I certainly felt professional when I took them.
Can you believe that I was this close to that hippo...
as to that wall?
You really should make the trip.
So, what kind of camera do you have?
Um... Nikon.
What do you use?
A Canon E-X,
and I just bought a little Olympus.
Do you take a lot of pictures?
I'm more into music.
Oh. Well, I knew that about you.
I tried to get you to a concert, you rat.
MAX: Oh. Right.
You never called me back.
Excuse me. The Goodmans are here.
We almost got lost.
Hi. How are you?
NEIL: Hi there.
RACHEL: Hi, sweetie. MAX: Hi.
NEIL: Oh, Maxie.
So, what was Miss Solomon telling you?
Uh, about Africa.
She took the pictures on the wall.
She's a gorgeous girl, huh?
Huh? Gorgeous? Gorgeous?
Gorgeous? Huh?
She cooks.
She travels.
She's a perfect hostess.
How do you know?
- Well, just... - What?
How do you know who's right for each other?
Well, you...
I mean, the Goodmans or the...
or the Clarks or...
Andie and Jasper?
I mean, we all said they're perfect for one another,
and they didn't last a year.
Larry and Sherri?
I've never heard Larry say a decent word about his wife.
Hey, hey, Max. What are you talking about, huh?
There's no dust in her Dustbuster.
There's no dust in her Dustbuster!
WOMAN: What did he say?
Something about a Dustbuster?
RACHEL: Max, where are you going?
JUDY: Yes?
It's Max.
JUDY: Oh, my God. Don't move.
How are you, Judy?
She told you not to come.
Where is she?
I knew something was on the way, but, oh, my God.
You've given up resistance.
Tell me where she is.
NORA: Here you go.
You all finished?
Uh, yeah. Maybe a piece of...
OK, I'll bring you the menu.
MAN: I'll have cheesecake,
and he's going to have a slice of chocolate cake.
MAN: Lady, I'm in the middle of ordering!
WOMAN: Table for one, sir?
- Yeah. - Follow me.
WOMAN: Have a nice meal.
I asked you not to follow me.
MAX: I need to tell you something.
Go away.
I just want you to listen to me.
Nora, I've been selfish and careless.
I've been stupid.
I don't belong in your life.
You're wrong. You do belong.
I've got a new life. I feel good about myself.
I can't go back.
You get yourself a... a nice young girl...
with a college education who won't embarrass you.
You're not an embarrassment to me.
I'm an embarrassment to me.
NORA: I just got this job. I don't want to lose it.
I thought that you didn't fit into my life,
but it was me who didn't fit.
Go back to St. Louis.
MAX: I don't live in St. Louis anymore.
I left St. Louis.
I quit my job, and I quit the city.
I just looked at a room to rent over at 49th and 9th Avenue.
It has a little stove and a little refrigerator...
and a view of the trash cans.
All I need now is a job.
I'd like to go back to teaching.
Max, people just don't change overnight.
MAX: People discover things...
about themselves in life, don't they?
And they only hope that it isn't too late.
I don't want a nice young girl.
I had a nice young girl.
I want you.
I love you, Nora.
Come on, buddy. Are you going to order or what?
What will you have?
You got any Oak Ridge Boys?
Honey, I got everything you need.
[Cheers and whistles]
NORA: So how's your mother?
[Max and Nora laughing]
Ripped by McLane
Wag The Dog
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