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- Mommy's going to the beauty parlor, darling. But I'm leaving you with your favorite friend, Roger. He's going to take very, very good care of you. Because if he doesn't, he's going back to the science lab. P-p-please, don't worry. Whatever you say. Yes, ma'am. Aye, aye, sir. Okey do key. Why, I'll take care of him like he was my own brother. Or my own sister. Ow! Or my brother's sister. - Or my second cousin, who is twice removed... - Cookie! Or my ninth cousin, who is nine times removed from his place outside. Or like my fifteenth cousin, who is sixteen times removed from his mother's side, Or like my twenty-second cousin, - who is thirty-seven times removed from his father's side, - Cookie. Who is 11 times removed... ...like my seventeenth cousin, who is 156 times removed from any side! Aah! I'll save ya, Baby! Cookie. Don't burn yourself, Baby Herman! Whoa! Whoa! Ah! W-Whoa! Whoa! Wow! Whoa! Who turned out the lights? Boy, it's dark in here. Don't they pay their electricity? What happened? I'll find ya, Baby! Where are you? - Cookie. - Where am I? What's that smoke? Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Cookie. Wah! Cookie. I'm here, Bab... Aah! Wah! Cookie. Wah! Cookie. Ahh. Cut! All right, that's the shot, Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut! What the hell was wrong with that take? - Nothing with you, Baby Herman. You were great. You were perfect. You were better than perfect. Just Roger. He keeps blowing his lines! - Roger, what's this? - A tweeting bird. A tweeting bird? Roger, read the script. Look what it says. It says, "Rabbit gets clunked. Rabbit sees stars". Not birds, stars! - Can we lose the playback, please? - Roger, you're killin' me. Killin' me. - For cryin' out loud, Roger! How the hell many times do we have to do this damn scene? Raoul, I'll be in my trailer! Takin' a nap! 'Scuse me, Toots. My stomach can't take this. This set is a mess. Clean this set up. And get him outta there or seal him up in it! - Lose the lights. And say lunch. - Lunch! That's lunch. We're on a half. P-please, Raoul, I can give you stars. Just drop the refrigerator on my head one more time. Roger, I dropped it on your head 23 times already. I can take it. Don't worry about me. I'm not worried about you. I'm worried about the refrigerator. I can give you stars. Look! Look. Look! Please, Raoul, I can doit, I swear, Just give me another chance, Toons. Mr. Maroon, Mr. Valiant's here to... He'll be right with you. No, no, no! Wait until he gets to his feet, Then hit him with the boulder, Right, R.K. How much do you know about show business, Mr. Valiant? Only there's no business like it, no business I know. Yeah, and there's no business more expensive. I'm 25 grand over budget on the latest Baby Herman cartoon. You saw the rabbit blowin' his lines. He can't keep his mind on his work. - You know why? - One too many refrigerators dropped on his head? Nah, he's a toon. You can drop anything you want on his head, he'll shake it off. But break his heart, he goes to pieces, just like you or me. Read that. "Seen Cooing over Calamari with Not-So-New Sugar Daddy... Was Jessica Rabbit, Wife of Maroon Cartoon Star Roger". What's this got to do with me? You're the private detective. You figure it out. Look, I don't have time for this. Look, Valiant, his wife's poison, but he thinks she's Betty Crocker. I want you to follow her. Get me a couple of nice, juicy pictures I can wise the rabbit up with. Forget it. I don't work Toontown. - What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves Toontown. - Then get Joe to do the job. - 'Cause I ain't goin'. - Whoa, fella. You don't want to go to Toontown, you don't have to go to Toontown. Nobody said you had to go to Toontown anyway. Have a seat, Valiant. The rabbit's wife sings at a joint called the Ink and Paint Club. Toon revue. Strictly humans only, okay? So what do you think, Valiant? Well? The job's gonna cost ya a hundred bucks, - plus expenses, - A hundred bucks? That's ridiculous. - So's the job. - All right, all right. You got your hundred bucks. Have a drink, Eddie. I don't mind if I do. - Careful, Dave! Dave, you're gonna drop it, - I got it, - I'm not gonna drop it! - You're dropping it! - Watch it! - Oh, no, the chairs are out! Kinda jumpy, aren't ya, Valiant? - It's just Dumbo. - I know who it is. I got him on loan from Disney... him and half the cast of Fantasia, The best part is, they work for peanuts. Well, I don't work for peanuts. Where's the other $50? Let's call the other $50 a carrot to finish the job. You been hangin' around rabbits too long. Hmph! ## ["The Sorcerer's Apprentice" Dukas] W-Whoop! Whoop! W-w-whoa! Oh, excuse me. Oh, oh, oh! Uh, taxi? Uh, cab? Hi, there. What do I look like, a bank? Wait for me! - Hey, guys, wait up! - Come on, hurry up. - Come on, Sid! - Hurry up, - Hey, mister, ain't ya got a car? - Who needs a car in L.A.? We got the best public transportation system in the world. Come on, Frank, Keep the line tight, - It's goin'. - All right, easy, easy. - So long, sir, - See you later, - So long, mister. - Thanks for the cigarettes. - You bet, - Any time, - Hi, Harry. - Hi, Eddie. How's it goin'? - Okay. What you got for me? - The usual bills. Hey, gimme back my ball, - Hi, Harry. You okay? - Hi, Eddie. What's with Earl? Laid off? A new outfit bought the Red Car. Some big company called Cloverleaf. No kiddin'. They bought the Red Car? Yeah. Put the poor guy on two weeks' notice. Cutbacks, they said. Oh, well, Earl. Here's to the pencil-pushers. May they all get lead poisoning, eh? Tomorrow's Friday, Eddie. You know what happens here on Friday? - Fish Special? - My boss checks the books on Friday. And if I don't have that money I gave you back in the till, - I'm gonna lose my job. - Don't bust a button, Dolores. You've only got one left. - Fifty bucks? - Yeah. Where's the rest? Well, it's only a snoop job away. Have you got that camera of yours? - Mine's in the shop. - Wouldn't be the pawn shop by any chance, would it? Aw, come on, Dolores. You need the other $50, I need the camera. Any film in there? Should be. I haven't had that roll developed since our trip to Catalina. That sure was a long time ago. Yeah, that was a long time ago. - We'll have to do that again sometime. - Yeah, sure, Eddie. - Paper even good? - Just check the scrawl. R.K. Maroon? As in Maroon Cartoons? Maroon Cartoons? Hey, so who's your client, Mr. Detective to the Stars? Chilly Willy? Or Screwy Squirrel? - What do you want to drink? - I'll take a beer, doll. So what happened, huh? Somebody kidnap Dinky Doodle? Cut it out, Angelo, Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute, I know. You're workin' for Little Bo Peep. She's lost her sheep, and you're gonna help her find 'em. Eh? - Ow! - Get this straight, meatball. I... don't... work for toons. So what's his problem? - Toon killed his brother. - What? Dropped a piano on his head. Got the password? "Walt sent me". - Nice monkey suit. - Wiseass. ## [Hungarian Rhapsody No, 2, Liszt] Hey, look at that. Hey, cut it out! Does anybody understand what this duck is saying? - Hmm, Most amusing, - A little more wine? I've worked with a lot of wise-quackers, but you are despicable! Dog gone, stubborn nitwit! That did it! This is the last time I work with someone,,,, - with a speech impediment! - Oh, yeah? This means war. - What, do you think that's funny? - Oh, it's a panic. You won't think it's funny when I stick that pen up your nose. Now calm down, son, will ya? Look, the stain's gone. It's disappearing ink. No hard feelings, I hope. - Look, I'm... - I know who you are. Marvin Acme, the guy that owns Toontown. The Gag King. "If it's Acme, it's a gasser". Put it there, pal. The hand buzzer. Still our biggest seller. Scotch on the rocks. And I mean, ice! This is hot stuff. - Yeah! Woo-hoo! Woo-hoo! Hey, those ducks are funny. They-They never get to finish the act. - Great. Thanks. - Rocks. - Toons. - Cigars? Cigarettes? - Eddie Valiant! - Betty? Long time no see. - What are you doing here? - Work's been kind aslow since cartoons went to color, But I still got it, Eddie. Boop boop be-doop, boop! Yeah. You still got it. - What's with him? - Mr, Acme never misses a night when Jessica performs, Got a thing for rabbits, huh? # You had plenty money # # In 1922 # # You let # # Other women make a # # Fool of you # # Why don't ya do right # # Like some other men # # Do # # Get outta here # - She's married to Roger Rabbit? - # Get me some money# - # Too # - Yeah. What a lucky girl. # Now, if you had prepared # # Twenty years ago # # You wouldn't be wanderin' now # # From door to door # # Why don't ya do right # # Like some other men # # Do # # Get outta here # # Get me some money too # # Get outta here # # Get me some money too # # Why don'tya do right # # Like some other men # # Do ## Who is it? Jessica, dear, have no fear. Your Marvin is here. You sure murdered 'em a gain tonight, baby, I really mean it, My darling, you were superb, You absolutely, truly and honestly,,, fashmolyed that audience, You killed them, You slayed them, You belted them, You were terrific, What do you think you're doing, chump? Who are you callin' a chump, chimp? Aah! And don't let me catch your peepin' face around here again, got it? Ooga-booga! Come, my dear Jessica, Come over here, I've got everything arranged right here on the bed, Oh, not tonight, Marvin, I have a headache, But Jessica, you promised, Oh, all right, But this time, take off that handbuzzer, Patty-cake, - Patty-cake, Patty-cake, - Oh, Marvin, - Patty-cake, - Marvin! - Patty-cake, Patty-cake, - Marvin, Oh! - Patty-cake! Patty-cake! - Oh, Marvin! - Patty-cake, Patty-cake, Patty-cake! - Oh, no, Marv... - Patty-cake! Patty-cake! Patty-cake! - You gotta be kiddin' me. Patty-cake, patty-cake? I don't believe it! Patty-cake! Patty-cake! Is that true? Take comfort, son. You're not the first man whose wife played patty-cake on him. I just don't believe it. I won't believe it. I can't believe it. I shan't believe it. Believe it, kid. I took the pictures myself. - She played patty-cake. - No! Not my Jessica. Not patty-cake! This is impossible. I don't believe it. It can't be. It can't be! Jessica's my wife. It's absolutely impossible! Jessica's the light of my life. The apple of my eye. The cream in my coffee. You better start drinkin' it black, 'cause Acme's takin' the cream now. Hard to believe. Marvin Acme's been my friend and neighbor for 30 years. Who would've thought he was a sugar daddy? Somebody must a made her do it, Now drink this, son. It'll make you feel better. Aah! Aah! Thanks. I needed that. Son of a bitch. Look, Mr. Maroon. I think my work here is finished. How 'bout that carrot you owe me, huh? - A deal's a deal. - Great. Thanks. Phew. Roger, I know all this seems pretty painful now. But you'll find someone new. - Won't he, Mr. Valiant? - Yeah, sure. A good-looking guy like that? - The dames will be breakin' his door down. - Dames? What dames? Jessica's the only one for me. You'll see! We'll rise above this piddling peccadillo. We're gonna be happy again. Got that? Happy. Capital H-A-P-P-I. Well, at least he took it well. Oh, Jessica. Please tell me it's not true. P-p-please. Oh, Lieutenant Santino. Where'd you come from? Gee whiz, Eddie. If you needed money so bad, why didn't you come to me? So I took a couple of dirty pictures. So kill me. - I already got a stiff on my hands, thank you, - Huh? Marvin Acme. - The rabbit kacked him last night. - What? Now what? It's just I haven't been this close to Toontown for a while. Yeeow! Oof, oof, oof! Ow! My biscuits are burnin'! Fire in the hatch! Ow! Ooh! Eee! Great horny toads, that smarts! Come on, Eddie. Let's get this overwith. He's with me. - I didn't see anything, I mean, the worst of it... - Come on, Lieutenant, Just like a toon to drop a safe on a guy's head, Sorry, Eddie. You better wait here, all right? You got a positive I, D, on the victim? Hey, Chisold, get a load of this. You seen one of these? Hey, guys, Didn't you used to be Eddie Valiant? Or did you change your name to Jack Daniels? - What's that? - Paint from the rabbit's glove. Mr, Valiant? I hope you're proud of yourself and those pictures you took! - Oh, for cryin' out loud, Mike, Hey, we need some help over here! Hey, somebody grab those loafers! Oh, oh! Oh, Ow. Is this man removing evidence from the scene of a crime? Uh, no, Judge Doom. Uh, Valiant here was just pickin' it up for ya. Weren't ya, Eddie? - Hand it over. - Sure. His number-one seller. I see working for a toon has rubbed off on you. - I wasn't workin' for a toon. I was workin' for R.K. Maroon. - Yes, we talked to Mr. Maroon. He told us the rabbit became quite agitated when you showed him the pictures. The rabbit said, one way or another, he and his wife are going to be happy. Is that true? Hey, pal, do I look like a stenographer? Shut your yap, Eddie. The man's a judge. That's all right, Lieutenant. From the smell of him, I'd say it was the booze talking. No matter. The rabbit won't get far. My men will find him. - Weasels? - Yes. I find they have a special gift for the work. All right, ya mugs. Fall out. Did you find the rabbit? Don't worry, Judge. We got "deformants" all over the city. We'll find 'im. You wouldn't have any idea where the rabbit might be, Mr. Valiant? Have you tried Walla Walla? Cucamonga? I hear Kokomo's very nice this time of the year. I'm surprised you're not more cooperative, Mr. Valiant. A human has been murdered by a toon. Don't you appreciate the magnitude of that? Since I've had Toontown under my jurisdiction, my goal has been to reign in the insanity. And the only way to do that is to make toons respect... - the law. How did that gargoyle get to be a judge? Spread a bunch of simoleons around Toontown a couple of years back. - Bought the election. - Yeah? What's that? Remember how they always thought there wasn't a way to kill a toon? - Yeah, - Well, Doom found a way, Turpentine, acetone, benzene, He calls it "The Dip". I'll catch the rabbit, Mr, Valiant, And I'll try him, convict him... and execute him. Geez! That's one dead shoe, eh, Boss? They're not kid gloves, Mr. Valiant. This is how we handle things down in Toontown. I'd think you, of all people, would appreciate that. #La, la, la, la, la, la, la# Uh... Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Hey, wait a minute! Hey, hey! #La, la, la, la, la, la, la## I've been tryin' to make him quit, but he just won't listen to me, What do you know, ya dumb broad? You got the I.Q. Of a rattle. - You Valiant? - Yeah. I want to talk to you about the Acme murder. Hey, psst. Doll, why don't you run downstairs and get me a racin' form? Ooh! Okay, okay. I'm goin'. A ladies' man, huh? My problem is I got a 50-year-old lust and a three-year-old dinky. - Yeah. Must be tough. - Look, Valiant, the rabbit didn't kill Acme, He's not a murderer, I should know, He's a dear friend of mine, I tell you, Valiant, the whole thing stinks like yesterday's diapers. Look at this. The paper said Acme left no will. That's a load of succotash. Every toon knows Acme had a will. He promised to leave Toontown to us toons. That will is the reason he got bumped off, Has anybody ever seen this will? Uh, no. But he gave us his solemn oath. If you believe that that joker could do anything solid, the gag's on you, pal. I just figured, since you were the one who got my pal in trouble, you might want to help get him out, I can pay ya. Save your money for a pair of elevator shoes. - Wait! No, Valiant, no! Ow, my stogie! - Oh! Wah! Wah! Wah! It ain't my fault the rabbit got himself in trouble. All I did was take a couple of lousy pictures. Baby was right, The hell with it. - Aah! - Aah! - How the hell did you get in here? - Through the mail slot. I thought it would be best if I waited inside, seeing's how I'm wanted for murder. No kidding. Just talking to you could get me a rap for Aiding and Abetting. Wait a minute. Anybody know you're here? - Nobody. Not a soul, except, uh... - Who? Well, you see, I didn't know where your office was. So I asked a newsboy. He didn't know. So I asked the fireman, the greengrocer, the butcher, the baker. They didn't know. But the liquor store guy, he knew. - In other words, the whole damn town knows you're here! - Hey! Hey! - Come on! Come on! - All right. Eddie, take it easy, will ya? Please, Eddie, don't throw me out. You're making a big mistake. I didn't kill anybody. I swear! This whole thing's a setup, a scam, a frame job. Ow! Eddie, I could never hurt anybody. Ow! My whole purpose... in... life... is... to... make... people... laugh. Okay, okay, sure. I admit it. I got a little steamed when you showed me those pictures of Jessica, So I rushed over to the Ink and Paint Club. But she wasn't in her dressing room, So I wrote her a love letter, Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're telling me, in a fit of jealousy, you wrote your wife a love letter? That's right. I know that she was just an innocent victim of circumstance. I suppose you used the old lipstick-on-the-mirror routine, huh? Lipstick, yes, Mirror, no, I found a nice, clean piece of paper. "Dear Jessica, "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. "One, one thousand. Two, one thousand. Three, one thousand. - Four, one thousand. Five..." - Why didn't you just leave the letter there? Obviously, a poem of this power and sensitivity must... Aah... be read in person. So I went home to wait for her. But the weasels were there waitin' for me. So... So I ran. So why come to me? I'm the guy that took the pictures of your wife. Yeah. And you're also the guy that helped all these toons. Everybody knows when a toon's in trouble, there's only one place to go: - Valiant and Valiant. - Not anymore. Get outta that chair! - That's my brother's chair. - Yeah, where is your brother, anyway? He looks like a sensitive... and sober... fellow. That's it. I'm callin' the cops. Go ahead, Call the cops, I come here for help, and what do you do? You turn me in. No, no. Don't feel guilty about me. So long, and thanks for nothin', That's the closet! Stupe. Eddie Valiant, you're under arrest. Get outta there! - Idiot. I got no keys for these cuffs. - Huh? Yah! Come on. Get the lead out. Move it, would ya? Move it! Yah! It's the Toon Patrol! Hide me, Eddie! P-p-please! - Remember, you never saw me. - Get outta there! Don't let 'em find me. Come on, Eddie. You're my only hope. Open up in the name of the law, P-p-please, Eddie, You know there's no justice for toons anymore, If the weasels get their hands on me, I'm as good as Dipped. Don't make us play rough, Valiant, We just want the rabbit, What're we gonna do, Eddie? What're we gonna do? What are we gonna do? What's all this "we" stuff? They just want the rabbit. Looks like they gave us the slip, huh, Boss? Nah. Valiant's got him stashed somewhere. Hold it right there. Hello, boys. I didn't hear you come in. Okay, wise guy. - Where's the rabbit? - Haven't seen him. - What's in there? - My lingerie. Geez, Valiant. Search the place, boys. And leave no stone "interned". Look, Valiant, we got a reliable tip-off the rabbit was here. And it was "corrugated" by several others. So cut the bull schtick. You keep talkin' like that, and I'm gonna have to wash your mouth out. Stop that laughing! Stop that laughin'! You know what happens when you can't stop laughin'. One of these days, you're gonna die laughin'. As for you, Valiant, step outta line... and we'll hang you and your laundry out to dry. Come on, boys. Let's am-scray. - They're gone. Jeepers, Eddie, that was swell. You saved my life. How can I ever repay ya? Blecch! For starters, don't ever kiss me again. Will you stop kickin' me? Stop kickin' me. Dolores. Dolores. Dolores! Hey, Eddie, you made the front page today, - Yeah, I guess I made some ink. - And what ink. Come on, Eddie. So tell me, Eddie, is that a rabbit in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me? Cut the comedy, Dolores. I've had a very hard day. - I gotta get outta these cuffs. - Oh, swell. Whew! Jeepers, Eddie, That almost killed me, - Ow. - Boy, what is this? Some kind of a secret room? It's a rotgut room, hold over from Prohibition. Oh, I get it, a speak easy. A gin mill. A hooch parlor. - Tools are up here, Eddie. - Look at this! - Aah! - It's a spy hole. Jeepers, Eddie, this'd be a great place to hide. - Crazy toons. Oof! - Watch your head. I thought you said you'd never take another toon case. - What'd you have, a change of heart? - Nothin's changed. Somebody's made a patsy outta me, and I'm gonna find out why. Hold still, will ya? - Does this help? - Yeah, thanks. Do you mean to tell me that you could have taken your hand outta that cuff at any time? - No, not at any time. Only when it was funny. - Get outta here! Come on, Eddie. Where's your sense of humor? He always this funny, or only on days when he's wanted for murder? Listen. My "silosophy" is this. If you don't have a good sense of humor, you're better off dead. You just may get your wish unless I can figure out what happened to this. What is it, Eddie? Just look at it, - Mr. Acme's will. - Yeah, And I think Maroon played the part of sound mind, and your wife, the sound body. - Why, I resent that innuendo. - What's the scheme, Eddie? - I don't think they got to the will. - But how do you know? Because they were still lookin' for it after they killed him. Anything I can do? Maybe you could go downtown and check the probate. Yeah, check the probate. Why, my Uncle Thumper had a problem with his probate. And he had to take these big pills and drink lots of water. Not prostate, you idiot. Probate. Let me get this straight. You think that my boss, R.K. Maroon, dropped a safe on Marvin Acme's head... so that he could get his hands on Toontown? Yep. That's my hunch. Uh, can he stay here for a couple of days? Not gonna do anything crazy, is he? - Where are you goin'? - Back to the office, Mr, Valiant? Mr, Valiant? You've got the wrong idea about me, Mr, Valiant, I'm a pawn in this, just like Roger. Can you help me find him? Just name your price. And I'll pay it. Yeah. I'll bet you would. You gotta have the rabbit to make the scam work. No, no, no. I love my husband. You've got me all wrong. You don't know how hard it is being a woman... Iooking the way I do. Yeah, well, you don't know how hard it is being a man... Iooking at a woman looking the way you do. I'm not bad. I'm just drawn that way. Weren't you the one I caught playin' patty-cake with Old Man Acme? You didn't catch me, Mr. Valiant. You were set up to take those pictures. - What are you talkin' about? - Maroon wanted to blackmail Acme. I didn't want to have anything to do with it. But he said, if I didn't pose for those patty-cake pictures, Roger would never work in this town again. I couldn't let that happen. I'd do anything for my husband, Mr. Valiant. - Anything. - What a wife. I'm desperate, Mr. Valiant. Can't you see how much I need you? Dabblin' in water colors, Eddie? Well. Sorry. Good-bye, Eddie. My offer stands firm. Think about it. Well! Do you want to tell me what she was doing with her arms around you? Probably lookin' for a good place to stick a knife. - Oh, come on, Eddie. I caught you with your pants down! - Yeah, but... Dolores, come... Come on, Dolores. You don't believe a painted hussy like that could turn my head. She's just tryin' to get her hands on the rabbit. That's not all she's trying to get her hands on. Now look, Dolores, listen. Listen to me. Look, I want you to go out. I want you to buy yourself a new swimsuit. 'Cause you and me are goin' to Catalina. - I'm on the verge of wrappin' up this case. - No, you're not, Eddie. That's what I came to tell you. I stopped by Probate. Maroon's not after Toontown, like you thought. It's Cloverleaf that wants to get their hands on Toontown. They put in the highest bid. And unless Mr. Acme's will shows up by midnight tonight, Cloverleaf is gonna own Toontown. What? At midnight tonight? That's right. First they buy the Red Car. Then they want to get their hands on Toontown. - I don't get it. - Shh! Roger. The rabbit. Get the Judge. #A joke Don't sit there on your brain# Nice shirt. Who's your tailor, Quasimodo? # My buddy's Eddie V. A sourpuss, you'll see # # But when I'm done he'll need no gun 'Cause a joker he will be # # C, D, E, F, G, H, I # # I love to raise some Cain Believe me, it's no strain # # It feels so great to smash a plate # #And look, there is no pain No pain # - # No pain, no pain # - Ow! #No pain, no pain, no... ## Oh! Eddie, what are ya... Yah! Hey, who turned out the lights? I can't see a thing. What's goin' on? You crazy rabbit, I've been out there riskin' my neck for you. And what are you doin'? Singin' and dancin'! But I'm a toon. Toons are supposed to make people laugh. - Sit down! - You don't understand. Those people needed to laugh. Yeah, and when they're done laughing, they'll call the cops. That guy, Angelo, would rat on you for a nickel. Not Angelo. He'd never turn me in. - Why? Because you made him laugh? - That's right. A laugh can be a very powerful thing. Why, sometimes in life, it's the only weapon we have. - Laughter is the most im... - Shh. Lx-nay. Lx-nay. I'm looking for a murderer. A rabbit. A toon rabbit... about yea... big. Look, there's no rabbit here. So don't harass my customers. I didn't come here to harass. I came here to reward. Hey. I seen a rabbit. Where? Ya see? - Where? - He's right here in the bar. Well, say hello, Harvey. I told ya so. "Merry-Go-Round Broke Down". Quite a loony selection for a group of drunken reprobates. He's here! Stop that laughing! Have you forgotten what happened last time? If you don't stop this laughing, you're gonna endup dead, just like your idiot hyena cousins! Hey, Boss, you want we should "disresemble" the place? No, Sergeant. Disassembling the place won't be necessary. The rabbit is going to come right to me. - Gee. - No toon,,, can resist the old shave-and-a-haircut trick. - I don't know who's toonier, you or Doom. Roger. Ro... Roger! Roger, no. Roger, don't, Roger, # Shave and a haircut # #Two bits ## Hey, Judge, what should we do with the wallflower? We'll see to him later. Right now, I feel like dispensing some justice. Bring me some Dip. Aah! Does the Condemned have anything to say before his sentence is carried out? Why, yeah... Wah! Dolores, bourbon. And make it a double. Fine time for a drink, Eddie. - Maybe you'd like a bowl of pretzels to go with it! - Just pour the drink, Dolores. Hey, Judge? Don't a dyin' rabbit deserve a last request? Yeah, Noseplugs would be nice! I think you want a drink. How 'bout it, Judge? Well, why not? I don't mind prolonging the execution. - Happy trails. - No thanks, Eddie. I'm tryin' to cut down. - Drink the drink. - But I don't want the drink. - He doesn't want the drink. - He does! - I don't. - You do. You do. - I don't. I don't. - You do. You don't, - I don't. I do, - You don't. You don't. - I do. Listen, when I say, "I do", that means I do! Aah! Gotcha, kid. Come on, Eddie, let's get outta here! Move it, pops. Yikes! That was quick thinkin', Eddie. Nothin' like usin' the ol' spine flower, the wise noodle, the... - Roger! Let's use this. - Yah! - Let's get outta here. What're you waitin' for? - There's no damn key. Hey, you weasels, lemme outta here, will ya? - Come on, I gotta make a livin', - Benny, is that you? No, it's Eleanor Roosevelt, Come on, Roger, get me outta here, Eddie, we got ourselves a ride. Open the doors! - Whoo! - Ahh, that's better. I can't believe they locked me up for drivin' on the sidewalk. Come on, Eddie. Get in. It was just a couple of miles. - I'll drive. - But I wanna drive. No, I'll drive. I'm the cab. Outta my way, pencil-neck! How about this weather, huh? It never rains. They sprung the cab. Let's go. And how about those Brooklyn Dodgers? Are they bums, or what? Move over, I'm drivin'. Benny, Eddie, we got company! - Would you look at these two... Excuse me, ladies. - Now that's what I call a couple of road hogs. - I'm gonna blow his head off. Benny, look out for the Red Car! Whoa! Benny, there's cops right behind us! Not for long, Roger. Now they're right in front of us. Eddie, we're goin' backwards. Turn us around! Gimme the wheel. Gimme the wheel! The cops are still on our tail. I know the cops are on our tail. What do you think I am, bli... Benny! Pull the lever! - Which one? - Which one? "Which one"? I'm gonna ram 'em. Whoa! I'm gettin' too old for this. Aah! Aah! - Jumpin' jeepers. - Hey, Roger, what do you call the middle of a song? Gee, I don't know... A bridge! Aah! Well, fellas, where can I drop ya? - Somewhere we can hide. - I got just the place. And incidentally, if you should ever need a ride, just stick out your thumb. Hey, share the road, will ya, lady? Ah, now that wasn't so bad, was it? Boy, did you see that? Nobody takes a wallop like Goofy. What timing. What finesse. What a genius. Ouch! We're supposed to be hiding. What's wrong with you? Ow. What's wrong with you? You're the only person in this theater that isn't laughing. Is there nothing that can permeate your impervious puss? Hey, Eddie. Boy, nothin'. What could have possibly happened to you to turn you into such a sourpuss? You wanna know? I'll tell you. A toon killed my brother. A toon? No. That's right, a toon. We were investigating a robbery of the First National Bank of Toontown. Back in those days, me and Teddy liked workin' Toontown. Thought it was a lot of laughs. Anyway, this guy... got away with a zillion simoleons. We trailed him to a little dive down on Yockster Street. We went in. Only he got the drop on us. Literally. Dropped a piano on us from 15 stories. Broke my arm. Teddy never made it. I never did find out who that guy was. All I rememberwas, he was standin' over me, laughin', with those burnin' red eyes... and that high, squeaky voice. He disappeared into Toontown after that. No wonder you hate me. If a toon killed my brother, I'd hate me too. Come on, don't cry. I don't hate ya. - Yes, you do. - No, I don't. You do hate me. Otherwise you wouldn't have yanked my ears all those times. All right, I'm... I'm sorry I yanked your ears. All the times you yanked my ears? All the times I yanked your ears. Apology accepted. Put 'er there, pal. I feel bet... Oh, boy, I hope it's another cartoon! Jeepers, another stupid newsreel. I hate the news. So you got all my stuff? Yes. It's all packed up in the car outside. Would have been here right after you called, but I had to shake the weasels. Yeah. I'm sorry about the trouble in the bar. Well, hell, stuffing olives for a livin' wasn't for me anyway. Dolores? You ought to find yourself a good man. But I already have a good man. P-p-please, don't mind me. You better get going, Eddie. A near miss, But this miss says, that's as good as a smile, California Cloverleaf... I'm glad Teddy's not here to see me runnin' away with my tail between my legs. It's not so bad once you get used to it, The Pacific Red Cartrolley line,,, and the venerated Maroon Cartoon Studios, Here R, K, Maroon is seen clinching the deal,,, with Cloverleaf's bankers and execs,,, in one of the biggest real estate deals ever in California history, - That's it! - Three and a half million dollars for a... That's the connection! Let's forget it, There's nobody here, Is that it, or are you scared? P-p-please! Me scared? Don't be ridiculous. When you called Maroon, you told him you had the will. But you don't. When he finds out, he's gonna be mad. He might try to kill ya. I can handle a Hollywood cream puff. I just don't want the odds to change. You cover my back. And if you hear or see anything, beep the horn twice. Yeah, that's it. Beep the horn twice. Cover your back. Boy, I'm ready. Dukes up, eyes peeled, ears to the ground. Why, nobody gets the drop on Roger Rabbit. - Aah! - What's up, doc? Valiant, what are you tryin' to do, give me a heart attack? You need a heart before you can have an attack. - Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ya got the will? - Sure. I got the will. Question is, do you have the way? 'Cause I can tell you now, it ain't gonna come cheap. You got a lot of brass, coming up here by yourself. Who said I'm here by myself? Lemme see that will. - I told you I got it. - I wanna see it now! - I told you I got it. - I wanna see it now! "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways"? - This supposed to be a joke? - No. This is. Get up. Come on. What are you gonna do to me, Valiant? I'm gonna listen to you spin the Cloverleaf scenario, the story of greed, sex and murder. And the parts that I don't like, I'm gonna edit out. You got it all wrong. I'm a cartoon maker, not a murderer! Everybody's gotta have a hobby. Oh, stop it. Stop it! Stop it! The truth is, I had a chance to sell my studio. But Cloverleaf wouldn't buy my property unless Acme sold 'em his. The stubborn bastard wouldn't sell, so I was gonna blackmail Acme with pictures of him and the rabbit's wife. Blackmail, that's all, I've been around toons all my life, - I didn't want to see 'em destroyed! - Toons destroyed? - Why? - If I tell ya, I'm a dead man, - You're a dead man if you don't tell me. - Unless Acme's will shows... by midnight tonight, Toontown's gonna bel and for the free... Aah! Roger! - What? - What in Sam Hill? Eddie Valiant. Well, you're a sight for sore eyes. - I ain't seen you to nigh onto five years. - Where ya been? Drunk. Feelin' frisky tonight, fellas? Yeah! Let's go. Yahoo! # Smile Darn ya, smile # #You know this old world is a great world after all # # Smile Darn ya, smile # #And right away watch Lady Luck pay you a call # #Things are never black as they are painted # - #Time for you and joy to get acquainted ## - Hi, Eddie. Hi, Eddie. Hi, Eddie. Bye, Eddie. Tallyho! Tallyho! Get outta here. Going up, sir. Yah! Mind the step, sir. Hold on, sir. Yah! Your floor, sir. Have a good day, sir. Ah, Gotcha, A man! Yoo-hoo, lover-boy! It's Lena Hyena! Aah! Oh, no! Aah! - Oh, wook, piggies! - Hi, Tweety. This little piggy went to market. - This little piggy stayed home. - No. This little piggy had roast beef. - And this little piggy had... - Aah! Uh-oh. Ran outta piggies. Yah! Eh, what's up, doc? Jumpin' without a parachute? - Kinda dangerous, ain't it? - Yeah. - Yeah, you could get killed. - You guys got a spare? - Uh, Bugs does. - Yeah? Yeah, but I don't think you want it. - I do, I do. Give it to me. - Gee. - Better let him have it, Bugs. - Okay, doc. - Whatever you say. Here's the spare. - Thank you. Aw, no! Ahh! - Aw, poor fella. Ha, ha. - Yeah. Ain't I a stinker? Aah! - My man! Come to Lena! Ooh! Toons. Gets 'em every time. - Gesund heit. - Thank you. Valiant. I always knew I'd get it in Toontown. Behind you! - Drop it, lady. - I just saved your life, and you still don't trust me? - I don't trust anybody or anything. - Not even your own eyes? That's the gun that killed R, K, Maroon, And Doom pulled the trigger, - Doom? - I followed him to the studio. But I was too late to stop him. That's right, You'll never stop me! - You're dead! You're all dead! - Doom! - Which way'd he go? - Well, I don't know... - But... He went that away. - Let's go! - Dumdums. Yeah. - Come on. Oh, no. Where's Roger? - Roger? He chickened out on me, back at the studio. - No, he didn't. I hit him on the head with a frying pan and put him in the trunk, so he wouldn't get hurt. Makes perfect sense. We're obviously not going anywhere in my car, Let's take yours, I got a feeling somebody already did. From the looks of it, I'd say it was Roger, My honey-bunny was never very good behind the wheel. - A better lover than a driver, huh? - You'd better believe it, buster. Uh-oh. It's the weasels. - This way. We'll take Gingerbread Lane. - No, wait. No, no. Gingerbread Lane's this way. So Valiant, you call a cab, or what? Hubba, hubba, hubba. Allow me, madam-oiselle. So how long have you known it was Doom? Before poor Marvin Acme was killed, he confided in me... that Doom wanted to get his hands on Toontown, and he wouldn't stop at anything. - So he gave you the will for safekeeping? - That's what he told me. Except when I opened the envelope, there was only a blank piece of paper inside. - Huh. A joker to the end. - So where to, already? - My meter's runnin'. - I have to find my darling husband, I'm so worried about him. - Seriously, what do you see in that guy? - He makes me laugh. Aah! Whoa, I've been Dipped! Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk. What an unfortunate accident. Nothing more treacherous than a slippery road, especially when driving in a maniacal toon vehicle. - Good work, Boss. Don't just stand there. Help them. - Put them in my car, - Follow me, I think they'll enjoy attending the ribbon cutting at the Acme factory. Come on, you mugs, We searched Valiant, Boss. The will ain't on 'im. Then frisk the woman! I'll handle this one. Nice booby trap. Do they have the will, or not? - Nah, just this stupid love letter. - No matter, I doubt if that will is going to show up in the next 15 minutes, anyway. - What happens in the next 15 minutes? - Toontown will be legally mine, lock, stock and barrel. Benny, is that you? No, it's Shirley Temple. Ahh! Oh! Eee! Jumpin' jeepers, what happened? Doom grabbed your wife and Valiant and took 'em to the Acme Factory. The Acme Factory? I know where that is. Get in. Move over, Rog. You've done enough drivin' for one night. Duh, Toontown right on the other side of the wall, Boss. You see, Mr, Valiant, the successful conclusion of this case,,, draws the curtains on my career as a jurist in Toontown. I'm retiring to take a new role in the private sector. - That wouldn't be Cloverleaf Industries, by any chance, eh? - Uh-uh. You're looking at the sole stockholder. Benny, you go for the cops. I'm gonna save my wife. Be careful with that gun. This ain't no cartoon, you know. This is no way to make a livin'. Wouldn't you know, locked. Whoa! Can you guess what this is? Oh, my God, it's Dip! That's right, my dear. Enough to Dip Toontown off the face of the earth! Vehicle of my own design, Five thousand gallons of heated Dip... pumped at enormous velocity through a pressurized water cannon. Toontown will be erased in a matter of minutes, I suppose you think no one's going to notice Toontown's disappeared? Who's got time to wonder what happened to some ridiculous talking mice... - when you're driving by at 75 miles an hour? - What are you talking about? - There's no road past Toontown. - Not yet, Several months ago, I had the good providence to stumble upon... this plan of the City Council's, a construction plan of epic proportions. - They are calling it a freeway. - "Freeway"? What the hell's a freeway? Eight lanes of shimmering cement running from here to Pasadena. Smooth, safe, fast. Traffic jams will be a thing of the past. So that's why you killed Acme and Maroon? For this freeway? - I don't get it. - Of course not. You lack vision. I see a place where people get on and off the freeway. On and off, off and on, all day, all night! Soon, where Toontown once stood, will be... a string of gas stations; inexpensive motels; restaurants that serve rapidly prepared food; tire salons; automobile dealerships... and wonderful, wonderful billboards... reaching as far as the eye can see! My God, - it'll be beautiful. - Come on, Nobody's gonna drive this lousy freeway when they can take the Red Car for a nickel. Oh, they'll drive. They'll have to. You see, I bought the Red Car... so I could dismantle it. What the... - Ay, caramba! - Aah! Okay, nobody move. All right, weasels, grab some sky, or I let the Judge have it. You heard me. I said, drop it. - Roger, darling! - Yes, it's me, my dearest. I'd love to embrace you, but first I have to satisfy my sense of moral outrage. - Put the gun down, you bucktoothed fool! - That's it, Doom, Gimme another excuse to pump ya full of lead. You thought you could get away with it, didn't ya? Ha! We toons may act idiotic, but we're not stupid. We demand justice. Why, the real meaning of the word probably hits you like a ton of bricks. Roger! Roger, say something. Look, stars! Ready when you are, Raoul, Tie the lovebirds together. Put them up on that hook. Use that escape-proof toonrope, Time to kill the rabbit. Oh, Roger, you were magnificent, - Was I really? - Better than Goofy. Roger, darling, I want you to know I love you. I've loved you more than any woman's ever loved a rabbit. It's over, Mr. Valiant. - Look out, you fools! - Not... so... fast. One of these days, you idiots are gonna laugh yourselves to death! Shall I "repose" of him right now, Boss? Let him watch his toon friends get Dipped. Then shoot him. With pleasure, Everything's funny to you, ain't it, needle-nose? You got a problem with that, Valiant? No. I just, uh, want you to know somethin' about the guy you're gonna Dip. # Now, Roger is his name Laughter is his game # # Come on, you dope Untie his rope and watch him go insane # - He's lost his mind. - I don't think so. #This singin' ain't my line It's tough to make a rhyme # # If I get stuck... I'm outta luck, and... # #I'm running out of time# Thanks. Aah! Hey, Eddie, keep it up, You're killin' 'em! You're slayin' 'em! You're knockin' 'em dead! # I'm through with takin' falls I'm bouncin' off the walls # #Without that gun I'd have some fun I'd kick you in the... ## - Nose! - "Nose"? That don't rhyme with "walls". - No. But this does. Yikes! Oh, my goodness! - Jeepers, that was close! Bye-bye. Eddie, hurry! It's coming back! Oh! - Oh, no! - This is it! - No! - This isn't it. Whoa! #Wicked witchcraft # #And although # # I know it's strictly taboo # #When... ## Don't move. No! No! Yah! Oh, no! Come on, Eddie! Quit playin' around! - No! Oh! No! - Yah! P-p-please! I wasn't worried. Were you? - Eddie, look! - Look! Holy smoke, he's a toon! - Surprised? - Not really, That lamebrain freeway idea could only be cooked up by a toon. Not just any toon. Remember me, Eddie? When I killed your brother, I talked... just like this! Jumpin' jeepers! Oh! - Yikes! - Oh, my goodness! Oh, no! Huh? Good-bye, my darling. Good-bye! Oh! I think I'm gonna faint, Oh, no! Oh, no! I'm melting! I'm melting! Melting! Oh, no! Eddie, do something! Hurry up, Eddie! Do something! Eddie, there's Dip everywhere, How are we gonna get down? Jeepers, Eddie, that was a close save. I thought for sure our goose was cooked. Oh! My hero! - Oh, honey-bunny. - Oh, love-cup. Oh, Roger! You were a pillar of strength, Sister Mary Francis! What the hell happened in here? I've been a cab for 37 years, I've been a cab for 37 years, and I've never seen a mess like this, What was that, a rubbermask? Yeah, and this is the rope from the safe that was dropped on Acme. I think your lab boys will find that paint's a perfect match. Judge Doom killed Marvin Acme. And R.K. Maroon and my brother. That's what I call one seriously disturbed toon. Gosh, uh, I wonder who he really was. - I tell you one thing, doc. He weren't no rabbit. - Or a duck. - Or a dog. - Or a little wooden boy. - Or a sheep. - Or a woodpecker. - Or a pussy. What's that? What is that? It's ink. That goof Acme squirted me with some the other night. - Why it's comin' out now, I don't know, - Here's your answer, Eddie. Acme Disappearing-Reappearing Ink. - Boy, that Acme. What a genius! - Applesauce! If he was such a genius, why didn't he leave his will where we could find it? Without it, we're just waitin' for another developer's wrecking ball, - Roger, that love letter you wrote to your wife... - Yeah? In the Ink and Paint Club... why don't you read it to her now? Sure, Eddie. "Dear Jessica, How do I love thee? Let me count the ways. I, Marvin Acme, of sound mind and body..." - It's the will! - Keep reading. "Do hereby bequeath inperpetuity,,, the property known as Toontown to those loveable characters, the toons!" Hey, Eddie, that was a pretty funny dance you did for the weasels. Do you think your days of bein' a sourpuss are over? Only time will tell. - Yeah, well, put it there, pal. - Yeah. Don't tell me you lost your sense of humor already. Does this answer your question? - Blech! Bleah! Come on, Roger, let's go home. I'll bake you a carrot cake. # Smile, darn ya, smile # # You know this old world is a great world after all # - # Smile, darn ya, smile # # And right away watch Lady Luck pay you a call # # Things are never black as they are painted # #Time for you and joy to get acquainted ## Okay, m-m-move along. T-T-There's nothing else to see. That's all, folks. Hmm. I like the sound of that. T-T-T-T-That's all, folks! |
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