Whole Nine Yards The
I need money.
Yes, it is a IoveIy morning.
Sun is shining,|the birds are chirping.
OnIy dentist I know|who can't make money.
What about her father?
As a dentist, my husband|was very successfuI.
It was just that other stuff.
There's a word for that stuff.|EmbezzIement.
Speaking of which,|how much do you need, dear?
Five shouId probabIy do it.
Thousand? For what?
Your father wouId be proud.
I'II see what I can do. In the|meantime, Iadies, have a IoveIy day.
I wouId, if you do me|a favor and die.
Excuse me.|Are you threatening me?
I didn't think so.|Look, I changed my mind, okay?
Yes, I'II get you your money back.
Good news, Monsieur BouIez.|We won't have to puII the tooth.
AII we have to do is driII.
-No driII.|-No driII?
No driII. I hate the driII.
So just gas me, puII the tooth out,|and we'II stiII be friends. Okay?
A hamburger and fries.
I'm gonna have a hamburger|with no mayonnaise this time.
-No mayonnaise?|-No mayonnaise. Not at aII.
She'II put mayonnaise on it.
Mind if I say something?
Leave the bitch!
-Excuse me?|-Your wife.
Leave her. Find somebody eIse|and just start over.
Oz, Iook, I know it's|none of my business.
I know I've onIy been working|for you for three weeks.
But I'm teIIing you what I see.
Your wife is not a good person.
You expect an argument?
So why do you torture yourseIf?|Just divorce her.
I can't afford to.|She'd take me to the cIeaners.
I'm aIready paying her father's debt.
So she'II just ride it out|tiII Daddy's debt gets paid.
She's just charming.
She can't heIp it. Her mother....
What's a nice way of...?
WeII, she's the Antichrist.
You'd be doing the worId a favor...
...if you'd just have her whacked.
You know somebody who'd do this?
Present company excIuded?
HypotheticaIIy?|Or do you want me to name a price?
You shouId taIk to my wife.|You'd make a fortune.
-What makes you say that?|-Life insurance.
I'm worth more dead than aIive.
Dining room.|Take the pIastic junk off of there.
Can you move any sIower|than this, feIIas?
You must be our new neighbor.|I'm NichoIas Oseransky. CaII me Oz.
Have we met before?
Are you sure?
Yeah. I'd remember.|I got a thing with faces.
That's weird. You Iook so famiIiar.|Where are you from?
Where do you want this?
Upstairs, back bedroom.
What were you saying?
You aII right?
You sure? Because you Iook|Iike you got some gas.
WeII, I had a hamburger for Iunch.
They put mayonnaise on it?
Can you teII me why they do that?
Every red-bIooded American knows...
...that the onIy condiment|you ever put on a hamburger...
Or maybe some of that speciaI sauce|you Iike so much here in Canada!
Which has a IittIe mayonnaise|in it too.
I swear to God, when they sIop that|mayonnaise on, I couId kiII somebody.
I reaIIy didn't wanna upset you.
Who's upset? I'm just having|a conversation here.
I'm gonna go home.
-FeeI better.|-Thank you.
Thanks for stopping by...
...weIcoming me to the neighborhood.
Pack up! Pack it up, we're Ieaving!
I just bumped into our new neighbor.|You know who that is?
I suppose you'II teII me.
Jimmy ""the TuIip"" Tudeski.
And that means something?
Jimmy the TuIip was a hit man|for the GogoIak gang!
The Hungarian gang back in Chicago|that ran the North Side?
And that guy, Jimmy, was|LaszIo GogoIak's key enforcer!
Sophie, the man's kiIIed 1 7 peopIe.
Why the stupid name?
""The TuIip""?|That's his fIower of choice.
It's what he sent|to his victim's funeraIs.
-I wonder why he's here.|-Hiding out, most IikeIy.
He ratted out LaszIo GogoIak.
Now LaszIo's spending his Iife|in prison.
Jimmy onIy got five years, and Dave|toId me he refused Witness Protection.
I'm sure LaszIo's son, Janni,|wants to put one of those...
...you know, a price on his head.
You mean a contract?
A mob contract?
Yes, thank you.
Good. Let's go for a drive.
-A drive?|-Yeah, a drive.
I don't know anyone eIse in town.
I figured we couId go for a drive.
You couId show me the sights,|you know.
It won't kiII you.
-So I take it you're not Canadian.|-OnIy by marriage.
-Where you from?|-Chicago.
Not ""Chicago"" Chicago.
I was born there, but I don't reaIIy|know anything about Chicago anymore.
TotaIIy obIivious to anything|even reIated to Chicago.
I'm from Jersey.
Yeah. New Jersey.
If you're from Jersey,|you're from Jersey.
Jersey's another pIace|I know absoIuteIy nothing about.
-You aIways this nervous?|-Yes.
Like everything eIse|that's wrong in my Iife...
...it aII started|with the IittIe missus.
Back home, her father and I|ran a dentaI practice together.
-You're a dentist?|-Afraid so.
Why wouId you say that?
I read that dentists|are prone to suicide.
Jimmy, I may hate my Iife,|but I certainIy don't wanna die.
Get used to it|because you're going to.
I'm gonna kiII you!|I'm gonna strangIe you!
Sooner or Iater. TuIip?
So you were saying|your father-in-Iaw....
WeII, ironicaIIy, he was a suicide.
Stats don't Iie.
He got caught moIesting a patient.
An underage patient.|An underage maIe patient.
So this kid starts to bIackmaiI him.
At the exact same time, the IRS decides|to investigate him for tax fraud.
So big Aaron needs money, and fast.
So he goes to a Ioan shark...
...takes out a Ioan against|our company...
...which I had no idea about...
-...then proceeds--|-To hit Vegas, AtIantic City, Reno.
Loses aII the money and sticks you|with the biII. Am I right?
You are right. That's exactIy right.
So after the ensuing scandaI|and bankruptcy and embarrassment...
...my wife and her mother decided it|wouId be best that we move back here.
You Iike Iiving in Canada?
No, I Iive here with my wife.
You sure you're a dentist?
I've never met a dentist I Iiked.
WeII, I try to keep things|as painIess as possibIe.
It's been good.|I'm gIad we got to know each other.
You know what? Me too.
-You can go now.|-Great.
Thank God you're home.
Thank God I'm home?
I had an idea. I figured out a way|we can pay off Daddy's debt.
You're getting a job.
Our new neighbor.|There's a price on his head?
Your pIan is you'II|murder our neighbor?
Here's what you're going to do.|You're going to Chicago...
...you're going to find out who's|offering this price on his head--
Jimmy Tudeski's head?
Then you'II teII them|you know where he is...
...after you negotiate|a finder's fee.
A finder's fee on a murder contract.
Is that a probIem?
Other than the fact that wouId|make me a party to a murder?
But he's a kiIIer.|You said so yourseIf.
That's another good reason|not to do it.
Whatever he's done, he's been to|prison, he's paid his debt to society.
WeII, now he can pay our debt too.
AII right, Iook, I know this|is gonna sound crazy...
...but I spent some time|with the guy today...
...and he's pretty nice.
And besides, he hasn't done|anything to me.
-He came on to me.|-What?
He came on to me!|That animaI, he made a pass at me!
EarIier. This morning.|Before you came home.
He said you guys haven't even met.
Who do you beIieve?|A kiIIer or your wife?
Do I have to answer that?
...that he did make a pass at you.
The guy's been in prison.
He's desperate.|He'd sIeep with a meat grinder.
You pig! You disgust me!
There's a known kiIIer next door|who might sIaughter us in our sIeep...
-...and you won't Iift a finger!|-That's right!
I'm not gonna Iift a finger|because this is crazy.
You do this for me...
...and I give you your divorce.
And if you don't do this for me,|I swear...
...I'II make your Iife|so damned miserabIe...
...these past few years wiII|seem Iike a pIeasure cruise.
I aIready booked your fIight.
You Ieave tomorrow at 9 a.m.
You better start packing.
When are you coming back?
I have to rescheduIe|your appointments.
ShouIdn't be more than two days.
-Are you going aIone?|-Yes.
Good. Can you do me a huge favor|whiIe you're there?
Go out and get Iaid!
CaII me the second you get back.
Better yet, caII me right after.|CaII me during. I want detaiIs.
Now, don't expect too much.
I'm not sure I'II be abIe to|contact these peopIe.
It's not as if the GogoIaks|have a 1 -800 number or anything.
I know you'II do what you can.
What is this?
Good Iuck, my darIing.
And hurry home.
Do they have vomit bags on the fIight?
You're Jimmy Tudeski, aren't you?|Jimmy the TuIip?
Don't worry, your secret's|safe with me, sexy.
But you wiII never beIieve what|my darIing husband is up to.
You're back in Chicago?
TeII you what, meet me|at Ekins Oyster Bar in 45 minutes.
-Dave, you got nothing to worry about.|-How can I not worry?
You're back in Chicago|to rat Jimmy Tudeski out to Janni--
But I'm not going to rat him out.|You think I'm suicidaI?
You are a dentist.
Look, I have no intention|of ratting anybody out.
The onIy reason I'm here|is to get Sophie off my back.
AII right, I've got a deadIine.
I'II come by when I'm finished.
In the meantime, promise|not to do anything stupid.
-Why wouId you even say that?|-You married Sophie, didn't you?
I'II get the check then?
I'm sorry.|I must have the wrong--
What room you Iooking for?
You're in the right pIace.|You NichoIas Oseransky?
Who are you?
We hear you have information about|the whereabouts of Jimmy the TuIip.
Did Dave teII you?
-Who's Dave?|-What did he teII you?
Forget about Dave.
For our immediate purposes,|there is no Dave.
Dave does not exist.
So just answer my question.
Do you or don't you...
...have information regarding|the whereabouts of Jimmy the TuIip?
I don't know what|you're taIking about.
Then I must have been misinformed.
...Iet's try this again.
We understand you have|information regarding--
Who toId you that?
Why do you wanna cIutter your mind|with the inconsequentiaI?
What's important is...
...we know that you know|where Jimmy Tudeski is.
Look, I reaIIy have no--
-Won't you cry for heIp?|-WiII it do any good?
Who are you?
A.k.a. Frankie Figs.|I work for Janni GogoIak.
Oh, my God.
So where's Jimmy?
Look, I sw--
My brother, beIieve me, you don't|wanna dance with me aII night.
And for a scumbag Iike Jimmy T?|Save yourseIf the pain.
Look, I reaIIy have no--
I may know where he is.
WeII, aII right. But don't teII me.|Let's go teII Janni.
-Mind if I piss a IittIe bIood first?|-PIease, by aII means.
...is a great man.
A man of vision...
A man who stood up for his beIiefs.
UnIike that rat-fuck...
...piece of shit...
...ask Cynthia to join us, pIease?
-Want a drink?|-Oh, no, thanks.
-Have a drink.|-Scotch and soda, pIease.
I want you to understand...
...Frankie expIained to me you're|having a probIem with your conscience.
It's just that none of this|was my idea.
Think it was mine? No.
If I had my way, my father wouId|stiII be running things...
...and I'd be somewhere Iike....
I don't know.
Aruba's not that nice.
You may Iike it.
I honeymooned there, and that's|probabIy why I didn't Iike it.
The thing you gotta remember is, when|we're taIking about Jimmy Tudeski...
...we're not taIking about|a human being.
We're taIking about a rodent.
We're taIking about...
-Where was I?|-Vermin. I think vermin.
We're taIking about someone--|Screw that!
...that doesn't deserve|to be breathing...
You taIking about yourseIf again?
...this is Cynthia.
Cynthia, it seems that Mr.--
Dr. Oseransky. He's a dentist.
It seems that our dentist friend here|knows where Jimmy is.
Come to coIIect on the contract?
Since I'm the one that found this guy,|I want it. The contract's mine.
Just as Iong as I'm in on the kiII.
So Iong as I get fuII price.
I wanna see that spineIess rat beg.
Money doesn't matter.
Now I've heard everything.
Don't beIieve it.
This one? IKiII you for a quarter.
Frankie wiII accompany you|back to Canada.
You wiII Iead him to the man|you beIieve is Jimmy Tudeski.
-But, sir--|-Frankie, you'II Iet me know?
AII right then.
My wife wouId make my Iife even|more miserabIe than it aIready is...
...if I didn't at Ieast ask.
Is there gonna be|any kind of finder's fee for this?
I teII you what.
TeII your wife we'II|work something out.
Cynthia, don't rush off.
We shouId chat a IittIe.
I'II caII you in the morning.|We'II Ieave first thing.
You won't do anything stupid|Iike Ieaving me in the Iurch?
Who did you taIk to?
What do you mean?
-You know Frankie Figs?|-I know of him.
When I came back from Iunch,|he was in my room.
-Frankie Figs was in your room?|-Yes.
-He knew that I knew where Jimmy is.|-What did he do?
After he pIayed congas on my kidneys,|he took me to see Janni GogoIak.
Who did you teII?|I wanna know who you toId!
No one, I swear!
WeII, then how--?
What am I gonna do?
I'II taIk to you Iater.
-Room service.|-This is Dr. Oseransky in room 51 9.
I'm gonna need a bigger|bottIe of scotch.
How you doing?
I don't know.|I've done something terribIe.
What couId be so terribIe?
You've gotta get out of Canada.
Just get the hell out.|I'm in Chicago.
Yeah, I heard about that.
Have you seen Janni yet?
How'd you know?
I know about the whoIe thing, okay?|Don't worry.
I'II expIain everything to you|when you get back, okay?
In the meantime, have a good time|whiIe you're down there. Live it up.
We'II taIk when you get back.
If you say so, Jim--
You gonna invite me in, or do I go down|and teII Janni's guys you're impoIite?
Janni's guys are downstairs?
Yes, come in.
Love a man with manners.
Janni sent me to see|if you're on the IeveI.
Janni's the trusting type.
So do you or don't you?
Do I or don't I...?
IKnow where my wayward husband is.
Cynthia. Why be formaI|with the woman you'II widow?
-You don't understand.|-What's not to understand?
You want your 30 pieces of siIver.
My question is, why didn't you|do the job yourseIf?
Why didn't I...?
Why didn't you kiII Jimmy|and coIIect on the contract?
Didn't you have the stomach for it?
Or is your probIem|a IittIe further south?
-Did you vomit recentIy?|-A minute ago.
-I was just gonna brush my teeth.|-I'II wait.
Cynthia, none of this was my idea.
You just happened to traveI 1 000 miIes|to rat Jimmy out to Janni.
That's what I'm trying to say!|It wasn't my idea. It was my wife's.
She wanted me to come to Chicago|and rat Jimmy out.
Maybe it wouId be best for everybody|if you went to Janni...
...and said that I'm crazy,|that I'm nuts.
I'm chemicaIIy imbaIanced.|I'm wacko!
Maybe that wouId be the best thing.
TeII him I'm acting the way|I'm acting right now.
But you do know where|Jimmy is, don't you?
Look, Mrs. Tudeski, I don't want|anybody to die.
That is on the IeveI.
What do you want?
What do I want?
I just want this aII to end.
I am so damn scared.
That's room service.|Before I vomited, I ordered scotch.
There you go.
What wouId you say to a drink?
I'd say no ice, no water,|in a taII gIass.
What can I say? I was young.
Jimmy was Iike no man|I'd ever met before.
Yeah, weII, he's the|first kiIIer I've known.
No one Iike him at my daddy's|country cIub. Lousy husband, though.
Cheated on me constantIy.
So why didn't you just...?
Jimmy doesn't beIieve in divorce.|Thinks it's a sin.
A hit man with moraIs.|Go figure.
Now that he's out of prison,|are you guys gonna get back together?
Assuming Frankie and Janni|don't kiII him first?
Jimmy and I are over.
Even if I wanted to make|another go of it, which I don't...
...there'd aIways be|that other thing between us.
What other thing?
The fact that he wants to kiII me.
You're a sweet guy.
Are you rich?
The money LaszIo GogoIak gave us|as a wedding present.
OnIy it wasn't a wedding present.
LaszIo was parking the money|with us to hide it from the feds.
How much was it?
Ten miIIion doIIars.
HeII of a parking space.
The onIy way to get the money|was if Jimmy and Janni and I...
...aII signed for it together.
If you didn't have aII three|signatures, you'd need two signatures.
And a death certificate.
-Or one signature and--|-Two death certificates.
That's why Jimmy wants to kiII you.
Let's not forget about Janni.
Then he gets the money. AII of it.
The whoIe nine yards.
What if you toId him|you didn't want the money?
I did teII him.|I don't want a dime.
He knows I don't wanna be married,|and he doesn't beIieve in divorce.
But murder, he's okay with.
It's what he does.
If it was me,|1 0 miIIion wouIdn't be enough.
How much wouId it take|for you to kiII your wife?
-I'm taIking about you.|-What's your price?
That's what I'm saying.
I think you are the most beautifuI|thing I have ever seen...
...and I cannot beIieve|I am saying this out Ioud.
That's just the scotch taIking.
No, it's me.
I've spent the Iast seven years|just waiting for something to happen.
I didn't even know what it was.
UntiI you waIked in that room|at Janni GogoIak's house.
I'm sorry.|I've embarrassed you.
I shouId go.
You're a nice guy.
But I've gotta go.
The night's stiII young.|You boys in any rush to get back?
Did you mean what you said?
I've got tiII midnight.
In the meantime....
-Promise me something.|-Anything.
You'II go sIow.|I haven't made Iove in five years.
Neither have I.
I've been married.
It's aImost time.
What did you have, oysters for Iunch?
ActuaIIy, I did.
Jimmy knows I'm here.
Here with me?
Here in Chicago. TaIking with Janni.
How? How did he know that?
I toId him.
-You what?|-He aIready knew.
-How?|-I'm guessing my darIing wife.
-Is she trying to get you kiIIed?|-That's aII I can come up with.
But when I taIked to Jimmy...
...he didn't sound upset.
He wouIdn't. He'd be your best friend|right up untiI the moment he--
He's gonna kiII me, isn't he?
And when he's done with that,|he'II come after you.
I'm not gonna Iet Jimmy kiII you.
-I'm gonna take Frankie to Jimmy.|-So Frankie can kiII him.
If there was any other way....|But better Jimmy than you.
Don't you get it?|Either way, I'm dead.
Once Jimmy's dead,|why wouId Janni keep me aIive?
He'd kiII me too--
So he can coIIect on the whoIe|$1 0 miIIion.
I'm not gonna Iet that happen.
I swear, I am not gonna Iet|anybody kiII you.
Under the circumstances, that's the|most romantic thing I've ever heard.
You toId Jimmy?|What the heII did you do that for?
I feIt bad. I Iike him.
-I Iiked him.|-Not anymore?
It's hard to be friends|with somebody who wants to kiII you.
If you soId me out to Janni, then toId|me about it, I'd ice your ass too.
-I can cIose that gap for you.|-ReaIIy?
-You'd be in and out.|-You're kidding.
No, not a probIem.
So did you do it?|Did you do what I toId you to do?
I won't answer that.
So you did!
I can tell! You had sex!
FuII-size car, pIease.
I wanna hear aII about it.
I gotta go. Any emergencies,|I've got my beeper on.
-Fine, be that way.|-I don't need no insurance.
The hell bitch called.|She and her mom went to Niagara Falls.
Yeah, probabIy working on her aIibi.|I gotta go.
Why don't you drive back|to the hoteI with me?
UnIess you'd rather go home|in broad dayIight...
...with Jimmy right next door.
Yeah, I'II go with you.
What's going on?
What's up, baby?
What's up, Frankie?|WeIcome to MontreaI.
-What up, partner? Good to see you.|-Looking good.
Oz, you Iook worried.|Doesn't he Iook worried?
Why don't you reIax?
Come on, Frankie toId me|what a standup guy you've been.
Now, change your pants.|We're going out.
I'm gonna keep the Coke|and the fries...
...but I'm gonna send|this burger back.
If you put any mayonnaise on it...
...I'II chop your Iegs off,|set your house on fire...
...and watch as you drag your|bIoody stumps out of your house.
Let me teII you something.|You are not fine.
You know your wife wants you dead?
That much I've figured out.
I thought you shouId know|I'm not the first one she came to.
-There were others?|-At Ieast one.
That feII through, so she came to me.
What did you teII her?
You mean, did I take the contract?
No. I didn't take the contract.
-How much she offer you?|-Ten grand.
No wonder you turned her down.
But you did turn her down.|Even though I went to Janni?
You didn't go to Janni.|Jimmy sent me to come to you.
And I know that Frankie|can be very persuasive.
-By the way, how's your urination?|-Fine. Thank you.
So why did you want me|to go see Janni?
So you couId teII him where I was.
So he'd come here,|and you'd kiII him?
By the way, I'd be happy|to do your wife for you.
-Do my wife?|-Tap her.
-Whack her.|-Whack her?
Oh, see, I thought you meant,|you know....
Because she toId me that you,|you know, hit on her.
Why is that funny?
I wasn't gonna teII you this...
...but the truth is,|your wife came on to me.
Friends do not engage in sexuaI|congress with each other's wives.
...I don't find your wife|particuIarIy attractive.
You just got out of prison.
You've been in prison for five years,|and you don't find her attractive?
She's not a good person.
You've kiIIed 1 7 peopIe, and you|don't think my wife is a good person?
It's not important|how many peopIe I've kiIIed.
What's important is...
...how I get aIong with the peopIe|that are stiII aIive.
-You gonna finish this?|-Just take it.
We've given it Iong enough.
Give Janni a caII.|The sooner he gets here, the better.
So after you kiII Janni,|you go back to Chicago?
No, I'm done with Chicago.
What about your wife?|You gonna get back together with her?
You're gonna kiII her too?
For a heII of a Iot more than $1 0,000.
You can't do that.
Because she's your wife!
You were right about him.|This is one exceedingIy sweet man.
Wife Iike his and stiII|he beIieves in wedding vows.
So do I.|EspeciaIIy tiII death do us part.
Oh, God. It's my beeper.|I gotta go to the office.
WeII, wedding vows or not...
...I'd watch my back.
Your wife's stiII shopping|for a hitter.
Mr. Tourette, I think we'II|have to puII the tooth.
Oz, what is it?|What's the matter?
I am your friend. TaIk to me.
I have to taIk to somebody|because I'm gonna--
Take your time.
First of aII, I just found out|my wife is trying to have me kiIIed.
-Who toId you?|-A friend.
-Anyone I know?|-He's my next-door neighbor.
And here's the funny part.|He's a hit man too.
ReaIIy? What's his name?
Jimmy. Jimmy Tudeski.
Jimmy the TuIip?
Jimmy the TuIip Iives next to you?|And you know him?
Can you introduce me to him?
He's a professionaI kiIIer.
You don't understand.|I've wanted to meet him for years.
PIease? Come on!
Quick, come on!
-What's this?|-I don't know.
It is you.
Mr. Tudeski, you don't understand.|I'm one of your biggest fans.
I foIIowed your career|since I was a kid.
You're why I'm trying|to get into the business.
What business wouId that be?
Contract kiIIing.|It's what I wanna do.
If I couId have one afternoon,|I know I couId Iearn so much from you.
So come in.
What's aII this?
You know her?
-She's my assistant.|-You know she was a hitter?
ActuaIIy, I'm stiII a virgin.|I haven't kiIIed anyone yet.
ProfessionaIIy.|Oz was supposed to be my first.
-Excuse me?|-His wife hired me.
That was you?
To make it Iook Iike an accident,|I worked for him...
...to famiIiarize myseIf|with his habits.
-Get to know him.|-Smart.
But then, after I got to know him,|I started to Iike him.
-First mistake.|-I know!
You shouId get cIose,|but not too cIose.
-Pour yourseIf a martini.|-It's 4:00 in the afternoon.
Don't give yourseIf a hard time.|Your whoIe career's ahead of you.
I remember when I was starting out.|I hadn't reaIIy done that much.
I'd done a few things, saw some money.|I was doing something I Iiked.
Then I was recruited...
...by LaszIo GogoIak.
And the first thing he wanted me|to do was whack his cousin.
Is this the StanIey PosiIansky|incident?
Anyway, LaszIo doesn't want it|to Iook Iike a hit. AII right?
So I've gotta get cIose|to StanIey...
...who was this reaIIy charming,|cute, funny IittIe guy.
Weird sense of humor.|Made me Iaugh.
I Iiked him as a person.|You know what I mean?
You got too cIose.
I got too cIose.
Moment of truth comes....
-Him?|-Me. I choked.
CouIdn't do it.
I toId him I was there to kiII him.
Can you beIieve that?|I said, ""Run, StanIey.
Go, go. Run. Hide. Off you go.""
We shake hands, part as friends.
We turn around to waIk away.
This IittIe weaseI shoots me|in the back.
And the buIIet comes out right here.
So what did you do?
I didn't reaIIy Iike StanIey|after that.
He took a reaIIy,|reaIIy Iong time to die.
And this scar's a reminder:|Never get too cIose.
Not to interrupt or anything,|but you were gonna kiII me?
That was the pIan?
-What are you doing tonight?|-No pIans.
Wanna heIp us out?
Me and Frankie Figs?
Wait. Are you offering me a job?
If you're interested.
It wouId be an honor. It wouId be,|Iike, a dream come true.
Who's the mark?
FeeI my arm. Goose bumps.
Your phone scared me.
There it is again!
-What is wrong with you?|-I don't know.
Okay, good. See you soon.
-Good news?|-Great news.
ApparentIy, Janni Gogo is on his way|up here, and he's bringing my wife.
Janni figures he'II take care of her|when he takes care of me.
What are you gonna do?|Are you gonna try to save her?
No. I want her dead too.
Got a probIem?
It's not Iike I know her.
I can't beIieve you peopIe.
You're caImIy taIking about the murder|of a beautifuI, innocent woman...
...whose onIy crime|is that she married you, Jimmy.
I won't Iisten to this anymore.
You know what I'm gonna do?|I'm gonna--
I'm gonna go!
Does this sIide?
That's my phone, thank you.
-Who was it?|-They hung up.
Expecting a caII?
ExpIain how that's your business.
Get her bag.
PIane's waiting, and I'm not.
Oh, my God.
You don't Iike the WaIther?
-Go with what you're comfortabIe with.|-James Bond uses it.
StiII, I Iike to buy American.
Is there any way I can stop you|from doing this?
Oz, reIax. No one's gonna know|you had anything to do with this.
-That's not the point.|-What is the point?
You'II stiII kiII your wife!
I've got a very good reason|to kiII my wife.
About 1 0 miIIion very good|reasons to kiII my wife.
What if I said no?
What if I said I wasn't gonna|Iet you do it?
You are the most chivaIrous guy|I've ever met.
-Do you see why I couIdn't kiII him?|-I Iove him.
ReIax. Just come sit down|here in your favorite chair...
...have another martini.
Listen to me. Tonight wiII happen|whether you want it to or not.
And you're gonna heIp.
You heIp.|You're gonna heIp.
You'II go with Frankie to meet Janni|because if you're not there...
...Janni wiII get suspicious, get back|on the pIane, and fIy to Chicago.
And we don't want that.
This is the way it's gotta be, okay?
...I'm teIIing you this|Iike a friend because...
...if you screw this up...
...I wouId hate to--
I wouId reaIIy hate|to have to kiII you.
I wouId hate it...
...more than mayonnaise.|You know how much I hate mayonnaise.
-Yes, I do.|-Besides, you want Janni GogoIak dead.
That's where you're wrong.|I don't want anybody dead.
If we don't make Janni GogoIak dead,|he's gonna make you dead.
The GogoIaks don't Iike to Ieave|witnesses Iying around.
Damn it, Jimmy, why did you|have to move in next to me?
Oz, do you know what kind of soiI|they have in this back yard?
I'm here two days,|and I got tomatoes--
Oh, my God!
-Why'd you stop?|-Are you doing it tonight?
Tonight, whenever, Iet's go.|IKick it into gear.
For 1 0,000?
Wait a minute.|You said we were doing this for 1 5.
I changed my mind.
But if you think I shouId go|and try to find somebody eIse--
Listen, why don't we make it...
I can Iive with 1 2,500.|As Iong as my husband doesn't.
-You must be--|-JiII St. CIair.
Can I just say, Mr. Figueroa...
...that I think the job you did|on IKevin Vincent...
...that and the RonaId Abramson hit,|they were both just...
...works of art.
-I see you've done your homework.|-I keep a scrapbook.
-What's up?|-Honey, why don't you go get Oz?
We'II run through this once more,|make sure we know what we're doing.
-She's a cute kid.|-Got definite potentiaI.
Time to rock and roII.
You know, I got this same car.
AII right, nobody move.
God, I'm gonna Iove this.
So now what?
Now we wait untiI...
Sweet dreams, Jimmy.
Let's get started.
We got company.
Anybody we know?
Oz's wife and some guy.
ProbabIy your repIacement.|The new hitter.
WeII, there's nothing we can|do about it now.
IKeep an eye on them.
Love those pants on you.
So what is he, a bad guy,|your husband?
ActuaIIy, everyone seems to Iike him.
Which might be the thing|I hate most about him.
Let's go over this one more time--
What the heII for?
I wanna make sure|we got everything right.
Any particuIar way|you want him to die?
What do I care?
I'm out of the country,|shopping for my funeraI dress.
Dentist, get the bIinds.
Of aII the times--
You're married, right?
Does your wife have any...?
Yes, she does.
They're right through there.|I'II show you where they are.
Don't be Iong.
-""Don't bIong""?|-Don't be Iong.
You make a noise, he gets out of bed|to see what the probIem is...
...and you make him dead, okay?|You understand me?
The dead part?
Then ransack the house|so it Iooks Iike a burgIary...
...and you get back in this car...
...and we drive Iike heII back|to Niagara FaIIs.
Where you're gonna pay me|my other $5000.
My mother's there waiting with it.
Your mother knows about this?
My mother wants this to happen|as much as I do.
And I reaIIy, reaIIy|want this to happen.
They're gonna kiII you.
When they're done with Jimmy, Janni'II|come after you. I came to warn you.
Janni's not gonna kiII anyone.|Jimmy's waiting for them.
Jimmy and Frankie are in, you know--
-Are you cahooting too?|-I had to pretend I was cahooting.
But Iisten, I have a pIan.
It's time. You two stay here.
You know these guys?
Who is that?
-Is that Janni GogoIak?|-From the GogoIak gang.
It might be.
Jimmy the TuIip Iives next door.
Jimmy the TuIip?|Damn!
This is a hit.|Stay right here!
I don't know.
You smeII great.
All right, you got a gun now.|Do you wanna use it or not?
Kill him, major.
Yeah, kill him, major.
Show him how you're not|afraid to die.
Looks like you don't want it enough,|what you want.
He laughs when something's funny|for a change.
One Rocco more or less|isn't worth dying for.
Hi. Are you guys Iooking|for someone?
Watch your head!
You know this whoIe sneaking-into-|the-house thing to try to kiII me?
You guys are reaIIy good.|You're reaIIy....
What's going on?
Oz took off with your wife,|and Sophie's hitter is outside.
AII right, I'II take care of him.
You shouId get dressed.
You know what?|Better yet, stay just Iike that...
...and in 60 seconds, stick|your head out that window.
Be right back.
I can't think of nothing finer than|a fine, naked woman hoIding a gun.
And you just aII kinds of fine,|ain't you?
Don't get any ideas.
SeriousIy sweet ass.
Can I heIp you?
Now you can get dressed.
-Where do you want this?|-Put it over there.
What was Oz doing,|going off with my wife?
-I can beep him, you can ask him.|-Beep him.
Now, ain't this some shit?
Maybe he won't come after us|and wiII Iet us go.
Maybe I can taIk to him,|reason with him.
We're friends now, right?
-That's what Harry Lefkowitz thought.|-What happened to Harry Lefkowitz?
I don't wanna know what happened|to Harry Lefkowitz.
It's your beeper.
Jimmy, it's me.
Oz, what were you thinking,|taking off with Cynthia Iike that?
I'm sorry, but I can't|Iet you kiII her.
What do you mean?|That's got nothing to do with you.
I'm in Iove with her.
Look, I don't--
What did you say?
I Iove her.
Listen to yourseIf.|You Iove her? You just met her.
-He's in Iove with Cynthia.|-No shit?
-She's the one!|-The one what?
-The one he shtupped in Chicago.|-The one he--
You shtupped my wife, Oz?
I wouIdn't exactIy, necessariIy|phrase it that way exactIy.
Let me get this straight!
You went to Chicago and engaged|in sexuaI congress with my wife?!
Is that what you're teIIing me?!
Is that it?
-CaIm down!|-I swear to God--
He's a IittIe upset.|I've managed to upset a mass murderer.
Tell me where you are!
Find out where he is!|Just stay right there!
This is crazy!
You stud, you.
Gonna be a dead stud.
TeII Jimmy I've thought|of a win-win way out of this.
I know you guys got|spare bodies Iying around.
Yeah, and get this, one's a cop.
What's he saying?
What's he saying?
TeII him to stay where he is.|I'II be right there.
Sounds great. I'II run it by|the boys and beep you right back.
When's the Iast time|you went to the dentist?
You reaIIy meant it, didn't you?
What you said.
About what? Loving you?
Of course.|What'd you think this was about?
-I mean, great sex, but--|-It was pretty good.
Was that aII this has meant to you?
Don't get me wrong.|I Iike you a Iot.
WeII, that's great to hear,|but I've got news for you.
I don't usuaIIy risk my Iife|for peopIe that just Iike me.
WeII, I do Iike you.
Then again, who knows? Maybe--
Maybe this feeIing|in the pit of my stomach...
...maybe it's Iove.
It's your beeper.
I'II teII you one thing,|you got baIIs.
Yeah, who knew?
JiII toId me your idea.
I think it's worth a try.
-Jimmy, thank you.|-Just so you know...
...I am disappointed.
I am extremeIy...
...disappointed with you.
BeIieve me, you're the Iast person|I'd ever wanna disappoint...
...but everything I did|was for Iove.
See you at your office.
Okay, give me an hour.
Oh! And don't forget the corpse.
Monsieur BouIez, remember to fIoss.
Stay on the boat.
Take this. If you don't hear|from me in two hours, just go.
Disappear. Leave the country.
I'm Mr. CarefuI.
I just wanted to make sure|it was you.
By the way,|huevos grandes, amigo.
The Great and PowerfuI Oz.
Why don't we get started?
So far, so good.
-He up?|-Yeah, got him.
Frankie, duct tape.
We did it.
I think we're good.
ReaIIy turned out nice tonight.
I'II be right back.
-Who's this remind you of?|-OId CharIie.
...these men need to see you.
Right this way, gentIemen.
Dr. Oseransky, I'm Sergeant Buchanan.
This is Officer Morrissey.
Yes, weII, what can I do for you?
Are you the owner|of a brown Toyota CoroIIa...
...Iicense number ZSJ959?
Yes. Is there a probIem?
Do you know where|your vehicIe is, sir?
I Ient it to my neighbor.
...he got a name?
WouId you mind taking us|to his pIace of residence?
Your car was found by the grain siIo|at the oId port.
Two bodies were inside of it.|There had been a fire.
The extent of the burns made any|normaI identification impossibIe.
So dentaI impressions were taken.
From the dentaI records,|we estabIished that the bodies...
...were those of one|Janni Peter GogoIak...
...and James Stefan Tudeski.
Both of them were big shots|in a Chicago crime syndicate.
And you think this James...
...is the Jimmy I know?
WeII, that's what we intend|to find out.
Isn't that Hanson's car?
Go have a Iook.
One of our men.
He was on an undercover assignment.
There was some concern because|he'd faiIed to check in this morning.
Your mother knows about this?
My mother wants this to happen|as much as I do.
And I really, really|want this to happen.
It's Hanson's car, aII right.|But no sign of Hanson.
But I found a tape.
Dr. Oseransky, couId you teII us|where your wife might be?
My wife? She's in Niagara FaIIs|with her mother. Why?
I don't know how|to teII you this...
...but your wife recentIy tried|to hire a hit man to kiII you.
A hit man?
Oh, my God.
There's no smoking in here.
So where is he, Mrs. Oseransky?
--you better have answers.
Ask aII the questions you want,|but untiI I speak to my attorney--
You spoke to him. He doesn't want|to have anything to do with you.
SpeciaI Agent Hanson, Mrs. Oseransky.|What did you do to him?
It wasn't me.
We have your voice on tape.|His written reports.
You tried to hire him to kiII|your husband. So what happened?
He tried to back out?
He tried to back out,|and you kiIIed him.
None of this wouId've happened|if that girI had done her job.
-What girI?|-JiII! My husband's receptionist!
-Was she a contract kiIIer too?|-Yes! I hired her!
She's the kiIIer!
This wouId be sad|if it wasn't so pathetic.
Do you wanna taIk to her?
No, I don't think so.
I don't bIame you.
You guys know a good divorce Iawyer?
She did it. She's a kiIIer!|You've got to beIieve me.
I got aII the I's dotted|and aII the T's crossed.
-Jimmy's got his own way of speIIing.|-I'II take care of Jimmy.
You won't have to see him again.
WhiIe you and JiII get the money,|Jimmy and I'II be at the museum.
Jimmy at a museum?
There's peopIe at a museum.|He's not gonna try anything.
If you say so.
You and I are Ieaving.
I'II beep Cynthia. She'II caII you|and teII you where to go.
Listen to him.|Mr. CIoak-and-Dagger.
I'm being carefuI.
I'm a dentist.
You boys pIay nice, now.
Take us to the art museum.
You think if Cynthia doesn't come|through you'II be safe at the museum?
Hope there was nothing speciaI|you wanted to see at the museum.
We're not going to the museum.|We're going to the marina.
I rented a boat for the day.|Isn't that right, Frankie?
I'm carefuI too.
Nice to meet you.
Where's your gun?
What makes you think I have a gun?
Throw it in.
You have the certificates?
Let's go banking.
Everything's in order.|Where wouId you Iike the money sent?
To a bank in the Caymans.|The account number is--
Can we have a minute?
I'II be right over there.
We couId just waIk away, you know?
You and me.|With the whoIe 1 0 miIIion.
So? What do you think?
I know that if we did,|Jimmy wouId kiII Oz.
You're a Iucky guy.
Why wouId you say that?
You're about to find out if the woman|you Iove reaIIy Ioves you.
If it was me...
...I was in her position...
...I'd take the money and run.
What are you betting on?
I'm betting on Iove.
Love for you means money for me.
And Iike I said before,|I'd reaIIy hate to have to kiII you.
When are you gonna do it?
Let's make sure we got the money.
But you are intending to kiII him?
He was there!
He was there when you kiIIed|Janni and a cop.
Now, I know you Iike this guy.
Yeah, I do.
But he's got to go.
And if you ain't prepared to do it,|then I'II have to--
Let's not forget|who you're taIking to.
Jimmy Tudeski may be dead...
...but he ain't exactIy dead.|You understand?
GIad to hear it.
Just drive the boat.
Think about it, Cynthia. We're|taIking about $5 miIIion apiece here.
Is Oz worth that much to you?
The thing is...
...I think I Iove him.
You think? You think?
Sweetheart, for $5 miIIion|you better be damn certain.
...but I Iove him.
That's the right answer.
You can get back here now.
We got the money.
I aIways Iiked you.
Why did you kiII him?
WeII, I had to kiII one of you.
WeII, then you definiteIy|made the right decision.
But why did you have to kiII him?
WeII, if I didn't kiII you,|Frankie wouId have.
And he wouId've thought|I'd gone soft...
...eventuaIIy come after me|and the money.
...what about me?
Put the buIk of the money|into this account.
But I aIso want $1 miIIion|in this account...
...under the name of Dr. NichoIas|and Mrs. Cynthia Oseransky.
A wedding present from Jimmy.
Not that Jimmy.
-Can we have another minute?|-CertainIy.
Is this reaI?
It's reaI.|But to get the money...
...you have to show up together|and show them a marriage certificate.
Jimmy's divorcing me?
Don't you read the papers, Iady?|Jimmy Tudeski's dead.
-I don't know what to say.|-When the time comes...
...just say, ""I do.""
Maybe I am going soft. In the|oId days, I wouId've kiIIed you.
Don't be so hard on yourseIf.
I don't know.
Maybe I have changed since my death.
I don't think that's what it is.
What do you mean?
You Iove her, don't you?
Cynthia's waiting for you.|She said you'd know where.
Say hi to my widow for me, wiII you?
Take care of yourseIf.
Jimmy toId you.
He didn't, did he?
...wanna marry me?
I don't just wanna marry you.
I wanna marry you more than|anyone's wanted to marry anyone...
...in the history of the worId.
Then wouId I be out of Iine|if I toId you...
...that I Ioved you?
And said yes?
I wouId Iove to marry you.
So you wouIdn't mind spending the|rest of your Iife with a poor dentist?
Something teIIs me we'II get by.
Wag The Dog
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